knows what sucks 


    Cynicism, its just no good. Its proven to take years off peoples lives, weaken immune systems, lead to suicide and depression, and it lessens your ability to get laid at an astronomic rate. Though not yet proven I believe it will one day be accepted fact that cynicism causes obesity and low penis weight. I despise it, but am surrounded by it on a daily basis, and am by no stretch of logic innocent of it. 

   This section's purpose is two-fold. One, it divorces me from my own cynicism in a ack-basswords fashion; once I right down a thought, it leaves me and dwells here. Secondly, it is here so that cynics can mire within their own mental muck (check the alliteration on that biatch!) and maybe see how bleak and depressing they really are when overexposed. Yes folks, I intend on defeating cynicism on a small front by being cynical. If I were the type, I'd sit here with arms crossed, gut hanging, and call myself a hypocrite, but I ain't. Anyways. Read on.


-- 01.  Eating hotdogs on pieces of white bread instead of hotdog rolls. There's just something indescribably dirty about it all.

 -- 02. That nobody in a college town can ever break a twenty.

 -- 03.  How numerous the childhood memories of mine that are actually just scenes from a movie. You'll never know how traumatic it was for me when I discovered I never had a boyhood chum named Chunk.

 -- 04.  The current trend of humor in advertising - you don't have to make me laugh to sell me anti-itch medication. If commercial writers aren't funny at all, for the love of all that's holy, they shouldn't try and be. I'm going to see a commercial twenty odd times if it hits my demographic right, If I'm battered with the same horrific sight gag over and over, I'm damn ready to up and boycott it's ass. The kid put the toaster pastries in his locker, oh god, that's rich. The dog's so fat now cause the guy overfed it to make fridge room for his beer, delicious. Truly funny things need more than a 15 second build up and don't correspond with a product.

 -- 05.  Any product that uses the letter X or the buzz word Extreme to seem trendy or appeal to the weak-minded. Beyond reproach is a product that features the bastard child of the two: X-treme. I can be wearing extreme gear and extreme deodorant eating an extreme sub with extreme chips and an extreme portioned drink, damn, I never knew I was so exciting.

 -- 06.  How ridiculously bad Old Navy ads are, and additionally the fact that I'm wearing Old Navy clothes as I write this.

 -- 07.  That prices are always a cent lower than they should be. Whoa, 3.99?!! that's way cheaper than four bucks, I can afford that! The trickery of it all is just so magical! 

 -- 08.  The fact that the vast majority of us white boys will never be able to play "above the rim." 

 -- 09.  How it seems bands' second albums are inevitably not as good. 

 -- 10.  T-shirts that say little funny phrases on them, the kind of stuff you'd see at Hot Topic, that really better belong on a bumper Sticker (or nowhere at all). What are people wearing these shirts trying to communicate? I like funny things - oh hey, I do to, and so does every other person on earth. I am incapable of gaining attention without using the words of others and lack an essential amount of self esteem - there, that's more like it. Life sucks, wife don't, whhhooo hooo hooooooooo, that's a laugh and a half - take the shirt off.


 -- 11. Things spelled with a K instead of a C for Kreative reasons. If you ask me, people who chose to do this are former Klansmen who enjoy making subtle references to the  secret society that gave them their start. 

 -- 12. Secret societies, and the fact that I'm not a part of any of them (the Klan excluded of course).

 -- 13.  The fact that the rest of the world hates the United States and its citizens, and that with each passing year, its less and less because of jealousy.

 -- 14. Those wasps that paralyze caterpillars and lay their eggs in them. You can only imagine the agony of these poor damned creatures as the eggs mature into larva and eat their way out, all while life still lingers in the caterpillar's frame. I'd like to lead some kind of advocate campaign for the little guys, but I don't think it'd do any good. I'd like to personally squash all those wasps, but I'd be too fearful of the safety of my own fingers to go through with it. The whole situation makes me feel powerless.

 -- 15. Artists who sample songs to make inferior pieces of music. Puff Daddy I'm looking in your direction.

 -- 16. The fact that, even if I started this second, its impossible for me to read every book I'd truly wish to within my own lifetime. Additionally, the fact that I haven't been reading much lately.

 -- 17. People that marry in their teens. I can respect teen pregnancies to a certain extent, hey we all make mistakes, but giving up on romantic conquest for an entire lifetime before even experiencing it? That just don't work for me. 

 -- 18. That feeling you get as you chow McDonald's that you are somehow consuming death's essence; with each bite swallowed you can feel your heart trip over itself for a moment as the grease oozes down your throat, down to poison your stomach the best it's able. It sends a tingle up your spine, what may just be the precursor to a stroke. Additionally, the immediate following dread sensation that all humanity is damned, one, because someone corporate enough, inhuman enough exists that this food is marketed to children, and two, because so many other people are in the restaurant, each hiding behind them the specter of death gently tracing a path across their throat with a cycle. 

 -- 19. Movie endings that tie what was once a promising and complex film, with multiple themes and character conflicts, up into a neat little package all in one scene. I enjoy the occasional happy ending, and certain movies I'll choke down anything to get it, but to have my intelligence insulted by a Hollywood style ending put to a film I was truly enjoying is just too much for me to bare.

 -- 20. Having to humor someone cracking a joke about a humor subject that went out a while ago, but yet, not long enough ago that the person isn't attempting to be current. Hah, yeah, mullets are great aren't they - tool. Stick with the timeless classics, townies, the homeless, the morbidly obese, etc. 


 -- 21.  When you take a nap and wake up when its dark and can't tell whether its early morning, or late night.

 -- 22.  That one kid with divorced parents who at age ten thinks he/she knows all about sex and drugs and whom (because of the lackluster quality of their upraising) seek the attention they miss at home telling other children their age all sorts of half-truths and assumptions. They mess up the heads of all their cute, little, innocent peers and there seems to be one in every group.

 -- 23.  The fact that the people who make the lion's share of our food are not paid well enough to truly care for our safety. Work in food service long enough, you'll know what I'm talking about.

 -- 24.  The organist at my older sister's wedding, who, because of fanatical Christian values, would not play the wedding march for my sister's trip down the aisle stating that she found it sinful to play a "pagan" song in a church. Hey if it wasn't for paganism there'd be no Christianity. Feast of Hallowed Saints my ass.

 -- 25.  Fanatical Christians in general. They're capable of ruining lives, playing God, completely ignoring sound logic, horrific racist attitudes, grand scale torture, enslavement, and murder,  presently and historically, all with clear consciences and unshakable belief in the rightness of their own actions. 

 -- 26.  People who try to seem deep, and the methods they use to do this. I'm deep cause I'm sad, whah! I'm deep cause I read a lot, duh! I'm deep cause I have a steadfast opinion on politics, blah! I'm deep cause I get off on eye contact, zuh! I'm deep cause I say so, zing! I'm not deep, try that one out. 

 -- 27.  Flashbacks in movies that help viewers to remember things they may have forgotten, dialogue and details they may not have made a note of. I see these in any context, other than to visually show a character's own memory as they piece something together, as a film being dumbed down. If you didn't catch it the first time through you didn't deserve it, go back to start and watch again.

 -- 28.  Having sand in your swim trunks, washing them, putting them back on, and realizing you still have sand in your swimtrunks.

 -- 29.  Rap-rock. So you play hard rock because you can't sing, now, since you can't do that, why do you try and rap? Sex, too many drugs, and rock n' roll. 

 -- 30.  The fact that this section is already more than tripling my optimism section.



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More stuff that sucks coming soon, if you think about it, this could rather quickly become the most expansive section of this website. Unless you have some hella' big stars in your eyes, you know just how damn many things out their suck, and unless you've never met me before, you know how damn long I could go on talking about them. If you have some particularly depressing or clever things you'd like to submit to this section,  E-mail them to the Bo Kaier Homepage at Stalinsays@yahoo.com