--------------------------ConspiracyTheories --------------------------

This section is dedicated to over-blown, ridiculous, humorous, 

ego-stroking theories that I've dreamed up in my times. Old-school

Bo Kaier Homepage stuff I felt still had a place. I hope they make you

laugh, and hopefully that laughter is a tad un-easy.

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    --- Ever think that the man is out to get you? When telling this to someone are you ever insulted or told you weren't oppressed enough to talk? Have people ever written a long winded rant of yours on the subject off completely, telling you it was insane? Well then let me rock you. The manand he is fighting to make you take it from him. It all goes back to the presidential term of the 31st president Herbert Hoover in 1924. Herbert Hoover strongly believed that hardship creates character; he had led his life battling adversity and came out a stronger man because of it. His theory was that ensuring that the people of America would have to deal with hardship meant American would be a better place. This might seem insane, if not downright evil, to you, but, to Herbert it made perfect sense. He created a secret branch of the government know as HAT (the Hoover Agency of Treatment) to make every American's life more trying at an individual level. HAT started things off with a bang by fueling the stock market speculation that caused the great depression. We must all thank our lucky stars that FDR was elected over Hoover, because Hoover and his HAT would have tried to keep the great depression going as long as possible. Although Hoover was ousted in 1933, his HAT stayed as a part of America's government (he took great measure to assure FDR or any other humanitarian wouldn't find out about it). Even today, HAT continues to work towards mucking up the lives of each and every American citizen, supported by a dedicated and well-paid team of government hired sadists. HAT checks in with all bureaucratic government agencies to make sure that they loose a certain quota of important documents, American patent agencies to make sure time-saving and very helpful inventions (that are regularly created without most people ever knowing) never get patents and never reach the market, dress makers and specialty stores to assure that even the happiest of occasions are saddeningly expensive, the IRS to make sure people are over-taxed and have to deal with increasingly difficult paper work, and many other companies to make certain people are billed exactly as they should be, with little to no leeway. Depressed people are actually people who were singled out by HAT to serve as examples. Why has HAT never been uncovered? There are two main reasons, which I call 2D, distraction and dissention. Distraction is constituted by how HAT works with the media. HAT funds news magazines like 20 20, 60 minutes, and Hard Copy specifically to make people suspicious of everything other than HAT for what goes wrong with their lives. Who would look to a secret government agency as a foe, when they must fight incompetent hospital workers, cigarette companies, or child predators? The other half of distraction is the creation of the UFO conspiracy. This news may be a bit unsettling, while it is very possible that aliens exist, it is not at all probable that they are visiting earth. HAT makes people think UFO and little green men exist as a way of sending people's attentions to the cosmos and away from the government. Some of our best conspiracy theorist minds have been hopelessly perverted by the idea that aliens are visiting us. It is a member of HAT that writes the X-Files (the UFO consparicist's bible), making people think the government is covering up aliens instead of creating them. HAT's second method of remaining hidden, dissention, is used to make the people that know about HAT appear crazy. Here is another unsettling fact I must disclose, paranoid schizophrenia does not exist. Paranoid schizophrenics is just the name HAT has circulated for people who really know the truth. The ramblings of these people may seem grandiose (a whole government is out to get them), but considering the scope of HAT's activities it's not at all unbelievable. Yes the man does exist, he is HAT. Yes the man is out to get you, getting you is just what HAT was set up to do. No you are not crazy, that is just what HAT wants people to think. What can a person do to fend off HAT? The answer to this question is simple. HAT attacks the individual, individuals united as a group HAT is powerless against. What every American needs to do is collect into mobs and senselessly beat any government employee. Even if that person does not work for HAT, they never told anybody that HAT exists and that is a crime in and of itself. Herbert Hoover I hope you're happy.

    --- Ever wonder why it seems that the people in front of you always drive slower, as if just to make you mad? It is because of the organization of petroleum exporting countries. The nations of OPEC not only try to jack up the price of gas from over in Arabia, they are trying to do it right here in America as well, but in very secretive ways. Most people, who are not as well informed as Florence Breslin, don't know that having their windows down while they drive makes their gas run out quicker. With the window down a car is effectively less aerodynamic and thus is slower and less able to use gas efficiently. Agents of OPEC pay off media types so this news never reaches the general public and people keep putting their windows down. That is not all these agents do though, not by a long shot. Agents of OPEC, in large numbers, intentionally drive slower along America's roads on hot days. People going slower are in the car longer and more likely to open windows to escape the heat. Also they are more likely to open their windows to yell at the agents driving these cars. Enraged people are also less likely to role windows back up when concentrating on these agents and more likely to pump extra gas if fuming over these agent's actions and not paying attention to the work they are doing. Another devilish move these agents make is to take forever at four way stops or moving into a lane of traffic. That way people behind them sit in their car motionless, letting all the gas get used up without even realizing it. OPEC agents are not above intentionally trying to get people into accidents, one, because a totaled car needs to be replaced with a new car that will need more gas (Arabian scientists work on all designs for new cars to make sure each successive generation get less miles to the gallon), and two, OPEC agents drive indestructible cars. The only course of actions you as an individual can take against these OPEC agents is to ram in to the back of any car that is going far to slow to be driven by an American, letting these agents know we're on to them!

    --- No matter what any health magazine, quote end quote scientist, or personal trainer tells you, the way to lose weight is not exercise. Fitness idea has nothing to do with anything. Our metabolism is the sole physiological source of weight control. Left to itself, it would keep us in perfect shape. Trust me, I've done a series of very conclusive experiments with the chemistry set in my basement. Why then is it that American is beset by an epidemic of obesity you ask? Try forcing answers out of  Marty McDonald, the founder of world famous mega-franchise McDonald's. Let me break it down for you - the special sauce in the Big Mac, the mayo on the McChicken sandwich, and the ketchup that goes on the burgers and the fries, it all contains the Micky Ds exclusive food enzyme RibeoMcflavin. Ribeomcflavin makes food taste delicious, but when it combines with the chemicals in your stomach acid it creates a reaction that permanently alters your metabolism. After one of the reactions your metabolism cannot burn fat as efficiently causing slow but sure, inevitable weight gain. The real shocker of the situation: Marty McDonald knows this enzyme is in his product and if you ask me, I think he likes it being there. Marty was the first victim of Ribeomcflavin and upon gazing at his own hideous appearance he damned the rest of the world to share his fate. What should we, the consumer, do about this? First, we should boycott McDonald's food. Second, we should forcibly prevent anyone who has not eaten it from gorging themselves. And thirdly, we should find Marty McDonald and hang him by his toe, guts spilled out, winging in the breeze, right in the middle of town square, just like the good old days. 

--- Ever see that one movie, that other movie, that episode of the Simpson, that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or that one episode of just about any show ever produced where the twist ending is that people are being put into the food? Ever wonder why unwitting cannibalism is such a heavily recurrent theme in media? Yah, me to, and I decided to do some heavy research into the subject, and have returned with some startling news. Art once again imitates life as a good number of things consumed on a near daily basis by the vast majority of everyday Americans contain a varied portion of everyday Americans. It took me sampling the forbidden fruit to develop a taste for man flesh, put now I can pick out the distinct flavor, all the way up to the specific body part, from just about any food. oh, and a quick aside, before I receive a flood of e-mails, or the boys in blue get dropped any anonymous tips, I want anyone reading to know that I've only consumed the meat of two individuals, and I didn't save anything, cept' a fibula that makes a hella' cool conversation piece. I'm no Daumer, I have not and will not strike again, and I chew jerky to sate any cravings I experience. The guys I partook of were doorway sleepin', strung out, smelly drifters from Toronto that I can guarantee nobody will miss, ok? Anyway, as I had been saying, people meat has greasily oozed itself onto far too many peoples kitchens. Most of the meat in Campbell's soup is thigh meat, the chicken in chicken and stars is mercifully clean. Most breakfast sausages, about every brand other than cheapy store varieties, has fat taken from the human stomach (which I don't quite understand, 'cause thats like the worst part of people, they could've at least got some arm flab or something). The grease in the pepperonis on Tombstone pizza has to me a hint of palm. Taco Bell beef contains what I'd say is about 7% people. Oh yeah, and Hamburger Helper works best with man meat, but I guess that's not really their fault. Many of you might have already decided to go vegetarian in light of all this, but I suggest far less extreme measures. Stick to supposed white meat: pork and turkey. Though you get the occasional calf muscle or eye lid, its your safest bet for clean eatin'.

This page is dedicated to Pete Harrington (one of those people HAT would have you believe is a paranoid schizophrenic). Without Pete I would never have considered these valid theories to be anything more than craziness.

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