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The following section contains Bo's answers to commonly asked questions. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. On second thought, he's definitely right.
Oh yeah, and watch out for sarcasm, as with the real Bo, this virtual one has a cutting tongue. For example, I'm not the alcoholic or complete ass these responses would betray me as.
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To the newest Answers click
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01. Where will I go when I die?
-- Well I think that differs by the individual. Me in particular I believe I'm going somewhere within Riverside cemetery. Hopefully it'll be a nice mausoleum with ivy growing on the side. For others it may be Saint Paul's, Mount Hope, Saint Mary's, or perhaps in a ditch on the side of some road; it all depends on how well you behaved in life... and how much you left behind for the funeral.
02. Which came first the chicken or the egg?
-- Many people believe, incorrectly, that this is a hypothetical question and as such does not have an answer. In reality, all hypotheticals have answers if you think about them long enough. Luckily for you I have already done so and with full confidence can report that it was the egg. Happy?
03. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?
-- Yes, I mean, c'mon think about it. It goes cra-crack-pow when you're there, why in the blue hell would that change in your absence?
04. Is the glass half empty, or half full?
-- That depends on what you got in the glass. A Smirnoff Ice, fuzzy navel, Zima, or other girlie drink - half full, cause your buddies can see exactly how big a pussy you are not finishing that, I mean c'mon. Beer - half gone, cause you wish you had more, you know you do. Its ruining your liver, and you paid four dollars for the bottle that'd cause 50 cents in the pack, but you'll return to this cruel mistress no matter how many times she stomps your sack. You've loved her ever since the one time she said something nice to you on your 18th birthday and because she makes you feel like a man, when you know how very untrue that is, wishing you had some kind of chaser, and knowing they don't have those for beer. Whiskey - half full, cause you know you want that stuff out of the way as quickly as possible cause its killing you to drink, and each sip makes the couch with the plastic over it your buddy warned you not to sleep on a cozier and cozier looking place to end the evening. Orange Juice - half full, the other half is probably vodka.
05. Of all things in this world, what do you miss most?
-- Eugenics.
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06. Why is it that bad days just seem to get worse and worse, as if they're somewhat magical?
-- Bad days are the result of a period in ones life of poor planning, self-satisfaction, and apathy that results from being on the up swing. Delayed negative consequences follow such behavior, creating a day that startlingly contrasts the time leading up to it. Examples of this kind of self-damning behavior include men letting themselves get fat and stop telling their girlfriends they love them even though they do, right before getting kicked to the curb, or people working less and less hard at their jobs with false confidence, right before a lay-off has them sleeping out on the curb. Why bad days seem so unreal is that once things start to go wrong attention is not paid to the littler things in life, like manors (so you get in a fight with your wife, that may have easily been curtailed had you been mindful of your pleasantries) or driving (so you t-bone a school bus worth of honor students, giving their lawyer parents the new life's goal of suing you into oblivion). Additionally, the results of the aforementioned long period may keep playing out one after another through the day (the lay-off sparks the long over-due argument which leads to the child finally running away which leads to the long ago foreseen divorce which leads to you tripping down the cellar stairs and breaking your wrist and tail bone because you had been forgetting to tie your shoes lately).
07. What is the meaning of life, what is existence's great pursuit?
-- Being happy, however you do it, save if your happiness can only be gained at the expense of others. That, or the pursuit of all 120 stars in Super Mario 64 .
08. Did an ancient race of highly evolved humanoids pre-exist the dawn of civilization, did they teach the Egyptians how to build the pyramids, did they construct Stonehenge with the power of sound, did they inspire the Aztec lines, do they look similar to the heads of Easter Island and those excavated in Central America? Were they responsible for the legend of Atlantis? And uh, do they exist today as shadowy over-viewers of mankind, waiting for only but a short time before ascending upon us and making us their slaves, milking us like cattle, forcing us to build giant nests for their hideous young. Are they waiting patiently until we reach our intellectual and cultural peak, and do we grow closer to our own doom with each modern, scientific achievement?
-- Yes.
Did this same ancient race create today's major religions to assure that their immortal ruling tribunal, Christus, Allahus, and Jehovus, would have an easier time asserting their domination over man, who will except their evil intentions as a divine reunion?
-- Yes.
Bo are you just trying to be weird with all this?
-- Maybe, but I think that that line of thinking is the easy way out of dealing with these wondrous revelations.
09. Why do poor white people dress like they're black?
-- This one is kind of complicated, but essentially boils down to self esteem problems. Poor whites, commonly referred (sometimes unfairly, sometimes not) as white trash, have very little self esteem and often feel utterly, utterly worthless. A cure for this is to try and identify with something greater or more wide reaching than themselves (even if they really don't have much of anything in common with it). Black urban culture is something often targeted. It is quite admirable because even though it is often mired in economic misfortune it stays unique and strong. It produce cultural trends and has an intense mystique that surrounds it. Additionally white trash often lacks the mental accruement to know they just don't look right in a backwards, upwards turned visor and to their credit, um... rap music is pretty damn sweet.
10. Is all that stuff in revelations (the last part of the bible for all ya'll that didn't know) literal or a giant allegory brimming with symbolism?
-- The former. I suggest you join in with me in my all-consuming quest to stockpile home-made spears and arrows, cause when those many headed beasts start rising out the boiling white oceans and a friggin' dragon devours the moon, you're going to wish you had them.
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11. Which is attributed to the death of more human beings in a year, sharks or bees?
-- I want to say sharks, but I've heard this one before, and correctly state that it is bees. If you ask me I really think that sharks need to get there shit together and start eatin' people much more than they've been doing (not just cause people look like seals, but because humans are excellent tastingand satisfying trophy catch). It pains me to see that the subject of most of my first sentences of childhood are by chain logic pussier than a bug zapper.
12. Is there a God?
-- There is if you want there to be.
13. What caused the extinction of the dinosaurs?
-- A tear in the fabric that divides reality from chaos which bled beings that appeared and acted similar to Daffy Duck from the early Warner Brother cartoons. A taste for cold dinosaur blood and an unquenchable thirst for sight gags fueled these destroyers of nature's balance. The creatures died out when they'd killed off all their prey (as would befit their super-predator nature) and broke down into pixels which were then carried away into outer space by solar winds. If you don't believe me ask a paleontologist why dinosaur skeletons often appear to be indented in ways similar to the impact of a mallet or anvil. See what they say then.
14. What makes alcoholics keep drinking despite the heavy toll on their health and personal lives?
-- Their giant alcoholic guts make them resemble pregnant women, and they believe subconsciously if they stop drinking it might hurt the baby. Alcoholism in men is a symptom of their inability to accept that they'll never truly experience the miracle of birth. As for female alcoholism its a whole lot less pseudo-Freudian; defective brain chemistry and inherited predispositions are the twin culprits of the crime.
In a similar vein, what makes chain-smokers keep puffing despite the heavy toll on their health?
-- This one isn't even pseudo, its straight up Freud: they like phallic things in their mouth. Nicotine takes all the blame off what is misplaced sexual energy. Someone steps to this logic, give them the hand, call them a Johnson smoka', and duck the coming series of punches, come back up with an uppercut, knock em' down, stand on their gimpy chests, and repeat step two. They'll thank you the next day between the smacking of the nicotine gum nuzzled in their bruised cheek.
15. Why does it seem like my sunglasses are never on straight?
-- Because your eyes are crooked. To tell you the truth, your face is asymmetrical and you're ugly. A thank you for being outright enough to tell you is in order I'd say. No response? Well then, you're as ill-mannered and discourteous as you are frightening to look at.
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16. Is downloading an mp3 off a file sharing program like Kazaa or Napster (God rest its soul) a crime?
-- Only a few short seconds of thought reveal to us the answer. If someone makes something and you take it without paying for it, you're stealing. Stealing is a crime. Taking mp3s is a crime just the same as shoplifting a two liter of soda.
How then can I rationalize it so I don't feel bad when I commit this crime, a crime against artists I so dearly enjoy, multiple times in a day?
-- Think of it this way, its like taking and listening to a sample demo disc that was being handed out at a concert - you're hearing an artist's sound, seeing if you want to buy their CD (note to all those that traverse this line of thought, it is fundamental to convince yourself that you are buying numerous CDs as soon as you have some money). If you're not impressed, mp3 deleted, sample disc discarded. If you like what you hear, the mp3 is kept as a string tied round the finger for the purpose of remembering to purchase the CD, when the time comes of course. That string can be burned onto special "remembering" CDs for car listening, and given out to numerous anonymous friends so that they too may sample.
17. I'm an experienced DM but am having trouble running my current campaign because a certain sorcerer PC has chosen to apply a ghost template in addition to equipping various robes, most notably the robe of charisma, and has as a result grown too powerful too early in the story I'm trying to unfold, pushing for orce battles before his fellow PCs are of a high enough armor class to properly join him. What should I do?
-- Lose twenty pounds. Consult a mirror for further instructions.
18. I'm a personable, heterosexual, ugly man. My homeliness I can't deny - my facial structure just isn't what it should be and my hair is a lost cause. When my momma tells me otherwise, I just know, I just know, and its no good. I don't have the money to go Michael Jackson on myself, not that I really want to. What would you suggest?
-- Hit the gym, hard. Go natural, don't shrink your endowment. Work your ass off, get buff, use your body to mute the disservice God has done to your skull cover. Of course, never curse your guileful creator, for Agnos is inconceivably wise and has assuredly lined up a place for you in his immortal army of afterworld conquerors, something that will light aflame all sticks shook at it. Wear tight fitting clothes, but use discretion so as to not appear to be "trying too hard" a reputation that will render your effort meaningless. Always walk into the wind making your clothes blow backwards so that the area in most contact tightly hugs and accents your physique Have your hair cut fashionably short, so short as to leave no evidence of its inferior luster. Think before you speak, be sincere, and only make humorous comments when you're sure of their quality and they're not quite expected of you. The label of charming will soon follow. Dress up in silly outfits at party occasions and weather demeaning comments humbly to further your reputation. Your results will be evident to you when females flirting for the first time becomes apparent.
19. What could lessen the oncoming threat of the snakefish to American aquatic eco-systems?
-- Prayer, and perhaps nuclear weapons.
20. What is the cost of the average funeral?
-- Around six thousand dollars, staggering isn't it. Make sure your loved ones are taken care of upon the event of your death.
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21. Did you get home last night? - submitted by Taryn Kay
-- I get this one a lot. The warm cradling arms of Gaia (the spiritual being whose body is encased by a shell of earth and fire) are my home and by that logic I never left my place of residence, so no worries. If by home you meant my apartment then no, I did not. I slept behind a dumpster with my coat covering me as it were a blanket and shivering because my pants were so soaked wet with the one-two punch combo of blood and urine. I would have slept in the dumpster but their was old meat and soda bottles, the bees were like everywhere.
22. Does God hate me? - submitted by Forrest Warner
-- Unless self-absorption is one of God's pet peeves (I actually think it might be, but anyways) - no. Thom Lappas may substitute yes.
23 If you were to be stranded on a desert island, and could only bring three things, what would they be, and why?
-- One, Tyra Banks, with whom I would populate the island with my numerous progeny and share a lifetime of blessed, cheerful nights in our modest, breezy wood shelter just to the edge of the largest beach. Two, a blank, bound, hardcover sketchbook, on which I would write our laws and religion, both in stark contrast to those of the old world. Three, an armada of destroyer battleship, with which I would pit my new utopian society against the old.
24. How can I tell if I have a tapeworm? - submitted by Forrest Warner
-- Fire a revolver into your own midsection. If you hear a muffled yelp, there was but is no more.
25. What's the best way to lose weight?
-- A tapeworm.
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26. Why does my head itch?
-- You have an advanced case of genital warts. What has most likely happened is that the warts spread all the way up the side of your body and nested in your hair, the surrounding area of which is now irritated and itchy. Genital warts, by nature, are intelligent, tactical creatures. Think of them as small, stubby, skin-based ants. Their reasoning behind this strategic migration is that head hair is taller and denser, thus providing better coverage from attack than hair in pubic zones. Look for smaller base sites in you armpits and eye brows.
This sounds pretty serious, is there anything I can do?
-- Unfortunately in the vast majority of advanced genital warts cases, no. In the coming weeks the standing wart army will replicate to the point of over-population, leading them to push for new areas of habitation. Seeing hair in the nose and ears they will move inside the body, entering and traversing the pathways of the circulatory system. Upon their first encounter with an attacking white blood cell they will be sent into a panic, retreat briefly, and return to fight your body's aggressive immune system with forces too large for the battlefield of choice to hold (because of a lack of higher intelligence, the warts will not anticipate this problem - they behave like Vikings in a number of respects... ant Vikings). This traffic jam will lead to an aneurysm of lethal proportions. In truth genital warts are more lethal than aids, one terrifically flawed battle leads to death, rather than a prolonged series of small ones; its the difference between guerilla fighting and all out nuclear war.
So then, I die, is there no justice in this world? One small sexual misstep and I'm quits with life. Was it you Bo, my beau, who led me to the grave with your sweet seduction?
-- Yes, there is no justice in the world. No, it was not me who gave you the warts, I don't get my hands dirty with that kind of stuff - my particular STD calling card is genital herpes. Just remember the jingle: if the red sores grow, it's gotta' be Bo.
I'm sorry to accuse you Bo, its just that I'm so broken up right now in light of recent revelations. Don't hate me, and I implore, reveal to me who is the accessory to my murder, so that I may loose a terrible vengeance upon him!
-- Thom Lappas, you may not remember it happening, he usually strikes while you're unconscious.
27. Are there any parties happening tonight? - submitted by Lateef Chandler
-- The perennial party in my pants. However, not everyone is invited, the list is actually quite exclusive and I usually hire bouncers to rough up loiterers.
28. Is there a hyphen in anal retentive? - submitted by Taryn Kay
-- Yes, and an I in irony too.
29. Why does Santa have a beard? - submitted by Matt Mattice
-- To cover up all the scars he's accumulated battling those of his goodly elfin staff who've regressed back to their trollish roots and attacked him with animalistic, blind fury - slashing and clawing and dragging their tiny, needle-like teeth. They always go straight for the face, confusing Santa's ruddy cheeks for the chiseled visage of Zeus, whom every member of the ancient, dark races despise and wish only to shame and disfigure.
30. Why do you, Bo, have so many freckles?
-- I am more beautiful than could be handled by conventional, Cindy-Crawford-esque beauty marks, and so those which I originally had have sizzled and exploded into numerous pieces like dermatological fire-crackers.
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31. From a girl's perspective, what's the difference between a guy "checking her out" versus a guy "staring at her boobs?"
-- If the guy in question is unattractive, his action's fall into the latter category.
32. What can we tell about a society through it's art?
-- How advanced the society's culture. This is why I proudly embrace the cutting edge of the modern age's ingenious, humble, and telling modern art - the Virgin Mary depicted in the medium of elephant dung and pornography, a naked statue of the deceased Queen Elizabeth sitting on a park bench, and taxidermized dogs spray-painted crazy colors. Culture goes marching on, take that Renaissance.
33. Will we ever be able to resolve the energy crisis?
-- Yes, just as soon as we discover the awe-inspiring and infinitely versatile power of burning the homeless.
34. How can I easily gain my promised "fifteen minutes of fame?"
-- Kill a celebrity.
35. As a college student, should I keep up with my high school pals, or simply let them fall to the wayside?
-- If they're in college too, then sure, and uh, dude, community college doesn't count - you know better. They'll just drag you down otherwise - in your heart of hearts (which I peer in now with a gaze that torches its target like an ultra-powerful magnifying glass held to a supernova sun) you know this to be true.
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36. Is love blind? - submitted by Matt Mattice
-- Love is biology, it is chemicals and hormones, it is instinct. It is not magical, and it does not possess human qualities, therefore, it cannot be blind. It is though near impossible to understand. Just as with the earth's wretched salt love afflicts the creative class. As a result it has been represented and rehashed as many times as a writer has picked up a pen, a musician has opened his mouth, or an artist has dipped his brush. Because these hapless, flitty, head-in-the-clouders just can't put it together that love is as simple as a bunch of juices that make you want to give away other juices, love has undeservedly been endowed with qualities of pure imagination and has enjoyed absolutely unrealistical glory. I'll take the soap box right now and say for sure love can't bring back the dead - not even in its tear form. No one person will ever receive a near standard idea of it so it swirls in a mass of nebulous ambiguity and can only exist to confuse and bewilder.
37. Where's the beef? - submitted by Nick Gentile
-- In our very souls, at a subconscious level, reachable only through meditation, psychadelic drug use, and the Kama Sutra.
38. How can we solve world hunger?
-- End overpopulation. Now I know genocide has become a rather unpopular word as of late, so I'll keep that holstered, but I will unabasheldly proposition dumping radioactive materials into the water supplies of speciffic geographic locations, so as to cause widespread sterility. There will be no cost of human life to this plan, some family trees will be cut down, yes, but nobody living will be cease to be. In addition the legal mandating of child concieving licenses, recieved upon psychological evaluation, economic appraisal, and chemical detox, would curb the human tide flowing out of our trailer parks.
39. Will issues over Racism ever be resolved?
-- Only when interracial coupling, hundreds of generations down the line, has all of humanity looking like Tiger Woods; the pot completely melted in on itself.
40. Why on Earth do I keep talking when I actually just rehash the same exact messages that my favorite contemporary artists sing and write about? - submitted by Nick Gentile
-- To make sure those around you are all waving the same flags.
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36. Is love blind? - submitted by Matt Mattice
-- Love is biology, it is chemicals and hormones, it is instinct. It is not magical, and it does not possess human qualities, therefore, it cannot be blind. It is though near impossible to understand. Just as with the earth's wretched salt love afflicts the creative class. As a result it has been represented and rehashed as many times as a writer has picked up a pen, a musician has opened his mouth, or an artist has dipped his brush. Because these hapless, flitty, head-in-the-clouders just can't put it together that love is as simple as a bunch of juices that make you want to give away other juices, love has undeservedly been endowed with qualities of pure imagination and has enjoyed absolutely unrealistical glory. I'll take the soap box right now and say for sure love can't bring back the dead - not even in its tear form. No one person will ever receive a near standard idea of love so it swirls in a mass of nebulous ambiguity and can only exist to confuse and bewilder.
37. Where's the beef? - submitted by Nick Gentile
-- In our very souls, at a subconscious level, reachable only through meditation, psychadelic drug use, and the Kama Sutra.
38. How can we solve world hunger?
-- End overpopulation. Now I know genocide has become a rather unpopular word as of late, so I'll keep that holstered, but I will unabasheldly proposition dumping radioactive materials into the water supplies of speciffic geographic locations, so as to cause widespread sterility. There will be no cost of human life to this plan, some family trees will be cut down, yes, but nobody living will be cease to be. In addition the legal mandating of child concieving licenses, recieved upon psychological evaluation, economic appraisal, and chemical detox, would curb the human tide flowing out of our trailer parks.
39. Will issues over Racism ever be resolved?
-- Only when interracial coupling, hundreds of generations down the line, has all of humanity looking like Tiger Woods; the pot completely melted in on itself.
40. Why on Earth do I keep talking when I actually just rehash the same exact messages that my favorite contemporary artists sing and write about? - submitted by Nick Gentile
-- To make sure those around you are all waving the same flags.
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41. Do electric razors give you the same close shave?- submitted by Nick Gentile
-- No, unless you're willing to take off the covers and hazard slicing your own throat for the sake of the perfect shave. I was, and I received numerous compliments from the emergency room staff. Now I'm not sure if they really meant what they said, they may just have been trying to keep me talking because I was in shock, but either way, it felt good, and I'd recommend it to anyone that has enough blood.
42. Where's Waldo?
-- Not on TV or in bookstores like he used to be.
43. How can I be heard?
-- Appeal to the masses - in other words, get stupid people on board. You have to assure that whatever it is you wish to display en masse, visual or written, sold or given away, published or underground, its more appealing than playing a Disturbed song on repeat and staring at a picture of a sports car. Now this may seem easy, but stop and consider your audience. If you come off as bright, funny, and creative, you're alienating them. Be safe, whatever you've got, dumb it down ten notches. If you're working at the level of early Rolling Stones, get Aerosmith and giddy-up. Proof read for big words. Substitute ass-kissing for obsequious, wise-ass for cynical, ass-kicking for squabble, lame-ass for dullard, etc. Also, instead of wit, make petty jabs. Allude to sex, more so than necessary, and if in the midst of all these allusions you're meaning is lost, go with it. If you are working visually depict guys on skateboards, if this doesn't work to garner interest, depict them falling off of skateboards, hitting their nuts on things, ALWAYS hitting their nuts on things. Parody Star Wars, or better, Space Balls, but whatever you do, just parody. A few Matrix style effects would be nice, but to be safe, wait for the new ones to come out and lift stuff from them. Keep the guns as shiny as the cars. Have one guy that's too big to get hurt by stuff. Have someone or something make Bruce Lee sounds. Have an animal use some type of substance and "flip out." Sexualize the elderly or the handicapped. Have someone step in crap, or if you're more bold, have crap sprayed on them. Show a fat person's butt crack. Always out do the last released piece of pop culture tripe in terms of shock. Tomcats had a guy eating a testicle, think, what will the characters in your movie eat? Crap? Sorry been done. Dog seamen? Van Wilder beat you to the punch fellow. This is where that creativity you thought was useful for being original will come back in to play. Did I say dog seamen? That reminds me of that time..... she wasn't awake for.... then he was, um, left with the dog but.... until the cops showed up and..... (Bo trails off).
44. Do friendships have a lifespan?
-- Some do, some don't. Much like marriages, friendships of very compatible people last longer. Additionally, openness and communication are an issue of great importance. How strong the bond is is only shown by how much it can withstand.
45. Why don't updates come as often anymore? - submitted by just about everyone
-- Because you've been very sinful, and God is punishing you through me. He knows everything, and he knows you like my updates; that's why he's taken them away. I mean, I'd love to do them, but you've ruined it for the both of us, I get these freaky, electric zap things whenever I touch the keyboard - it really bites. Start living more piously and I'll be weekly again, stay on the path you're on and I'll be bi-monthly before you can say "the Lord's name in vane."
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More questions answered soon. If you have one you find particularly perplexing that you'd like to submit E-mail it to the Bo Kaier Homepage at Stalinsays@yahoo.com. Hey do me a favor so that I can stop just responding to my own questions.