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This was posted to the FA of BHM Yahoo! Club, and I have reproduced it here for you. Makes very interesting reading. Enjoy. BigBellyBoyUK.

Hi *somebody*,

I'm writing this for you, but also others like you. So many people don't realize that approaching a big guy has so many differences than a thin man.

Let's start with some basic realities. Unless a man is an intentional gainer, they aren't often used to being approached by a woman. Or should I say, being approached for the right reasons. I can speak from my own experiences. I've been heavy all my life. Slightly chubby when younger, and in the last decade, quite large. I've been married, and I've had girlfriends, but I often wonder if those women in my life ever really loved me at all. I'm not trying to sound down, and I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just trying to paint a picture that I know many big men fit.

You see, with big men, we've been hurt a lot. I realize most people have as well, but with us, it's different. In my own past experience, when a woman showed me attention, it usually was for the wrong reasons. It can be hard to believe that a woman could be interested in a big man, for a big man. I didn't realize that there were women such as FFA's until very recently, and I'm 30. Many of us have been used and abused. I've been invited to a "fat pig", party by a girl only to be ridiculed. I've had "friendly" woman suddenly shower me with attention only to find out she wanted me to help her move or step in front of an often violent boyfriend, maybe only to make him jealous. I've been involved with women who never wanted to be seen in public with me, but loved the pampering I did for them in private. I've had girlfriends that had many orgasms in a weekend, by my touch, but never were willing to bring me to just one. I've had so many women that would love me as just a friend, and moan about how men treated them badly and then say to me "you are so sweet, why don't you have someone?" I've had women that did care for me and were attracted to me, but couldn't deal with what others thought of her about being with a big man. I've had woman that would get drunk and cry their problems out on my shoulder all night long, and then never want to talk to me, because they were frightened that I might be interested in being more than friends. I've had involvements with women heavier than me, who dropped me the second they found a thinner man, because I was fat. I had a wife that stopped touching me only months into marriage, because I was just too fat, even though lost weight during our marriage, and she had gained greatly. She later left me for a thinner man, who treated her horribly. Karma.

I look back in my life, and I see nothing but women as platonic friends or woman that have caused me great grief. I have done much work on my life to heal my heart. I've begun to lose weight and I'm getting healthy. I'm surrounded by perpetual "sisters" who love me, but of course not in that way. Being that I live in Southern California, were people of size are particularly hated, and I really don't expect to find someone while heavy. In a couple years, when most of my weight is gone, people will start seeing what was always there. Perhaps one of my "sisters" will want to move past siblinghood. I don't really know.

My point in all this is that many big men, have walls to protect them. Many of us are survivors of sexual and physical abuse as young children. Many of us have been beaten down about how we look and who we are. Many of us have been hurt repeatedly. When a cheerful woman approaches, it often is a warning sign for future heart wrenching. And for us to approach a woman, wow! I'm an excellent dancer, and I have woman approach me to dance with me often, but I remember quite a few times asking a woman to dance, just dance, and getting a harsh response of "With you? Hell no!" I'm a rare breed of big man, someone who's largely healed and who is slowly losing the weight through life long eating changes and continued exercise, and I still find myself asking why, when a woman shows interest. It is often safer to assume that the interest is purely cordial. I've often joked that I wouldn't believe that a woman was interested unless she stripped nude and jumped on me. This isn't true so much anymore, but I still have to fight the habit of disbelief.

So you ask, what can a woman do? Be honest when you see a big man. The classic games of flirting are often lost on gentle giants-we aren't used to them. It can be hard for the woman if she hates being the aggressor, but two passive people just won't connect. Big men have real concerns with acting aggressive in romantic situations. If we make a pass at a woman who isn't interested, even though we thought she might be, her negative reaction can be much greater than if reacting to a thinner man. So much more abhorrence and repulsion is often shown. So many people regard us as just fat slobs, even though we are often more meticulous in our hygiene and demeanor than thinner men.

So, if you see a big man, talk to him. Many men will shy away, but if you ask the right questions, you might get through. Ask him if he has a girlfriend. That question implies that he "could" have one and in and of itself is complimentary. Touch him. I'm not saying reach out and grab him, but affectionately touch his arm or shoulder. Big men have often not been touched very much and smaller things can mean more. Just a woman putting her hand on my shoulder and gently caressing it can lift my spirits. Recently an attractive woman walked up to me in a club, placed both her hands on my belly, poking playfully and said hi. Sadly she left rather quickly with her friends, and I was kind of dumbfounded by the experience, but had she stayed and wanted it, I could have so been hers. Show that you'd like to spend some time with him, maybe find a reason to sit and talk with him. Keep smiling at him, and find ways to gently compliment him. If you get a blush, you know your making progress. I know if a woman did this to me, it would work. For some men it won't, but nothing is fail-safe. You may still get rejection. He may be in too bad of a place. He might be involved. He might be gay. But if a big man is what you want, you need to make it clear to a big man you see that he is attractive to you. Simply saying "I think you're attractive and I'd like to get to know you a bit better" will work so much better than classic flirting.

If only a woman would do this to me! Oh well, I know I'll find someone in time, whether I'm thin or not. I wish you and all the ladies and gents good luck. I apologize for any sweeping assumptions that might seem to be in this post, but it was from the heart and it all is in my humble opinion and experience. Been there, done that!

~ David