Great Understanding #1

Over the next two years, there will be four of these understandings. This one is dedicated to a good friend of mine - a fool for Christ, a lovesick worshipper who shares my longing to be wholly fascinated by Jesus. You were there when I needed you, Jonathon.

In Luke, Jesus is given word that one of His closest friends is ill. He decides to stay where He is, despite the wishes of Lazarus' family, and I'm sure to the bewilderment of the disciples.

A few days later, Jesus arrives in Bethany. Lazarus is dead, Mary and Martha are mourning their loss, and Jesus is late. How many times has Jesus been late in your life?

Oh, I know we say, "He's never early, never late; just right on time." But, come on, be honest with yourself. How many times have we done what Martha does?

She rushes up to meet Jesus as soon as He arrives. The first recorded words out of her mouth are, "If you'd only been here, my brother wouldn't have died." Jesus then responds that Lazarus will live again and asks Martha if she believes it. "Yes, I believe," is all Martha replies. How many times have you felt like Martha, let down by the lack of action God takes in your life?

Martha gets Mary, and now, Mary greets Him with the same words that her sister used. "Lord, if you had only been here..." This time, it "troubles Jesus' soul." The word for 'troubles' is the same word used when the angel would come and stir the waters at the Pool of Bethesda.

Why could one sister evoke an emotion and the other a verbal response? I think its a very simple answer. Martha was consumed with what might have been. We do it too, you know.

Oh, Lord, if you'd only been here, I wouldn't have gone through this or that. It doesn't matter what it is. We all have moments in our lives that are the deepest, darkest times we've ever walked through. And all we're left with is, "why?" No answers for the questions, no balm for the wounds.

On the other hand, we can have moments like Mary. A statement that moves the Lord's heart into action for our behalf. Whereas Martha was consumed with the past, what might have been, what if; Mary was consumed with Jesus. His agenda and plan were all that mattered.

Here's the point, the globespin if you will, we have to be where Jesus' agenda is. It won't work to try to live our lives the way we think God wants us to. No, its time to sit at His feet, to listen and know His plan. So go, find out what Jesus is saying to you. Look full in His face and see His eyes blazing for you. Then go do His agenda. Its the only way to get Lazarus out of the grave.

When I was a kid, I constantly marveled at the world around me. I was amazed at how grass grew, at the light and heat of fire; I was amazed how spaghetti could be hard and broken one minute and the next soft and ready to put on a plate. I wanted to know where things came from, why the sky was blue, and roses red. I was fascinated with life.

As I grew and gained adolescent friends, peer pressure began to play in my life. They were going off and doing things that I knew I couldn’t. They were dating, smoking, drinking, and doing all the “cool” stuff. At times, I was invited to go along and join them. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. Something deep within me would not budge. An anchor that held me steady to my course; a moral compass of sorts.

I don’t know how or why exactly, but I know the fascination died away and the moral compass began to be a curse to me.

Then comes the love of Jesus. He is in love with me, with us. And I’ve learned that there are longings within each and every one of us. So deep down inside of us that we can’t even begin to put them into words. We walk around with a sense, as I did, of wonder and fascination at the world and this moral compass. There are other longings, like a desire to be beautiful. Not in the model sense or the ‘Maybeline’ fashion guide. But to have someone that found us, noticed us, we stood apart from the crowd to them.

During worship last night, I asked God what it was that made Him love me, what kept Him in love with me. He answered, “You wondered.”

I wondered. That was it. I had spent my childhood in constant fascination with the world around me, His creation. I loved to run barefoot just to feel the prickly sensation of grass under my feet. I longed to be fascinated. Knowing just that much has released destiny to my life.

And this moral compass curse thing, well, I’ve learned about that too. You see, I long to be wholehearted. Anything that would have caused me to steer away for a moment from God would break my heart. This desire of wholeheartedness is a longing that kept me from breaking my promise to Philip, to wait and to allow God to bring it about.

So, what longings lay resonant within you? What is it that you just can’t get rid of? No matter how hard you try, there’s that seed of a thought that nags you either further, or closer, to God. Find it, let it rise to the top and focus it onto Jesus. Let Him fascinate you, take a stand on the wholehearted desire to live for God. Fall in love with Jesus.

You know, I used to think it would be awesome to have the voice of a talented singer, like Jennifer Knapp or Natalie Larue. I wanted to sing on pitch, on key, and in tune. But it just seems I never had the knack for singing to come naturally. A little bit of disappointment has always resounded in that area. (Forgive the pun)

Yet, last Friday night (2.14), one of the ladies prophesied that I was to sing and dance before the Lord. I know that I am to dance before Him, but I am very unsure of the singing thing. It would be in front of people every Friday night from now until August. I just don’t know if singing publicly is something I can do. (Yes, I want your pity-but I also want your prayers and encouragement) I mean, I love to sing, all my life I’ve loved to sing. But I knew it wasn’t anything pretty or cool to listen to.

And now, God wants it for His glory. And maybe that’s where my struggle comes in. I have enjoyed being able to sing my own songs. God has even given me a few. But it seems that now is the time that He wants the gift for Himself. It’s not pretty and its not trained and cultivated. I feel that I am withholding this from Him. But, then again, does the prophecy mean for me to sing in front of people? And, if not, why is it such a struggle? My whole life right now seems to be a struggle. I don’t know anybody here to really go do stuff with. In fact, sitting at IHOP by myself with a cup of coffee doesn’t seem so inviting. Before, I always had Buck and then I had my chicas. Now, there’s nothing but silence when I’m alone. And I don’t feel alone. It’s just lonely. I feel a real upheaval in my spirit of things between the natural and the spiritual. It probably came when I asked God to show me the difference between mortal and life.

For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed, but to be clothed, in order that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. IICor5:4

The tent talked of is our bodies in a spiritual sense. But what does it mean to have that which is mortal to be swallowed up by life? Your thoughts on this would be pretty cool.

To sum up, its dark here right now. Maybe I’m fighting God over His will and my plan.

P.S. Three chapters of Orphans are completed. If’n you’d like to read them, please email me with Orphans in the subject line.

As some of you know, on Friday nights, Dad is leading a youth-oreiented prayer session from 9pm-12am. They don't have a name...We're waiting for God to do that.

And it is busting my butt. I'm not usually one to stay up and pray, but things are beginning to change. During the last session God showed me a couple things. And, to prove prophesy true, I'll start at the beginning, which is before this session.

Simply put, a lady prayed for me and prophesied that because of what I had walked through in the last four years, God would pour out greater and greater compassion for people.

Okay, now back to Friday night (2.8.03). We had been in a time of praise and worship, experiencing the intimacy of the Lord. Considering there are only three people in the group, intimacy wasn't hard to get to.

We then moved to praying for my generation. The sessions are Harp & Bowl style, so Jonathon (our worship leader) was praying about the name of our generation, how they are nameles and faceless, rejected, and broken. No one wants us. At this point God spoke to my heart and gave me a name for this generation..."MINE"

God has called this generation his, He used the words "MINE".

It was a personal pronoun. He takes personal interest in this generation.

As awesome and hope inspiring as that is, it didn't stop there.

Right after this, Dad and Jonathon began praying and I saw Jesus walking through a crowd of people. As he walked by them he would say, "I want this one. And that one. Oh, and I want this one too!" Excitement began to build in His voice and His eyes were bright. Over and over again, He showed His desire for the people. It was like watching a kid in a candy store the way He ooo-ed and aawed over us. I still have no way to describe the kindness and love in Jesus' voice; except to use the words of Jeremiah, "For I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness." Jesus reveled in just being next to us, so great was His desire towards us.

The next thing that happened is Dad and Jonathon began to pray about and sing about Jesus love towards us. Then I saw a little boy in a pet store. He held a small puppy in his hands. Actually, the puppy was more than held; it was clutched. I knew the little boy was not going to let go of him.

What really got my attention though was the puppy. It had soft eyes that pleaded to be loved. You could tell it had been picked up and put down so many times. It had been rejected over and over again. All it wanted was to be loved. The boy's eyes were begging for the puppy, the puppy was pleading to the father.

The father was standing in the doorway. The little boy shoved the puppy towards his dad and as he spoke, the little boy's voice was strong and quiet, determined. "I want this one, Daddy."

Jesus desires us more than anything else in this world. I wish I could impart to you what happened at Kansas City. Just a little of it would amaze and change you. I hope these visions will convey the awesome passion God takes in you. You really are his delight. The world is His candy store, and you are the candy. The world is a pet store and you are the puppy. You are His affection. Its more than can be imagined, especially for those of us who have never been in love.

The compassion that runs in my heart now for others is overwhelming at times. But I am watching God change me. There's nothing I can do about it. I am changing.

My prayer for you is that Jesus will visit you as the Bridegroom and that this revelation of His love will drive you to passionately pursue Him.

Alright, alright...Its long overdue but its finally here! Check out what happened.

At the very end of the year last year and into the very beginning of this year, I was in Kansas City, Missouri (KC for short later in this story). I was attending the One Thing conference in cooperation with The Call/Kansas City. One Thing conferences focus on preparing a generation to be the Bride of Christ, intimacy with Christ, that it is possible and how to achieve and keep it. It was completely awesome!

Prior to going, I was experiencing an emotional breakdown. I had been going and doing what others wanted me to, instead of serving God’s perfect will for my life. I spent so much being what others wanted me to be that I didn’t know who I was. There were also much deeper issues of self-worth and some very deep wounds left unhealed. Long story short, because of all the turmoil I was in, it was forgotten I had told my father I was going. I didn’t even remember what the conference was about.

We spent Christmas in Texas, which is always interesting (That will be in another entry!) On December 26, 2002, Dad is making all the preparations to leave. I suddenly remember I’m supposed to go, but haven’t yet asked what this conference is all about. Mom, Dad, a couple of friends, and me load the van and we’re off.

Twelve hours later we have arrived and I am seeing friends I haven’t been with in almost two years. It was a great reunion.

The first night of activities started with a concert from WaterDeep, which was way cool. Then they began Harp and Bowl style worship. (It’s a form of intercessory worship combining bible reading and spiritual songs. That’s the best explanation I have for it. For more, please visit:) After that, Mike Bickle began to speak and share his heart with us. Every day for a week, he taught a session on intimacy and pursuing that intimacy. There were breakout sessions that had practical application for every day life.

During one of the sessions, there was a time for those of us in the conference to seek the Lord and see what He says about our intimacy with Him. I already knew where mine was. It was located somewhere between nonexistent and barely there at all. God used the words from Revelation 3: “I wish that you were hot or cold. You are lukewarm and I will vomit you out of my mouth.” (my paraphrase)

I always thought it interesting God would say He wants us hot OR cold. It really doesn’t matter to Him which one we are, just so long as we decide. What grace is in that statement! We could decide to be cold, after all it is our choice. Then again, we could be hot, that is our choice also.

The pursuit of intimacy with Christ begins with this decision. Should I be cold? Should I be hot? It will go no further if you decide to be cold. It won’t go anywhere at all if you decide to be lukewarm. There is a whole undiscovered world of passion, life and hope that awaits the one who chooses to be hot.

Still, I can’t get away from the fact that He doesn’t mind of we are cold. You ever met someone that just couldn’t make up their mind? I mean, not like the occasional couldn’t decide between the blue one or the red one. I’m talking about the one that you call and you’re like, “So wanna go do something?” And their like, “Sure, what you want to do?”

And you ask, “Well, I was kind of wondering what you would like to do.” And all they ever tell you is, “I don’t know.” Ice skating, eating, watching a movie, and still they tell you, “I don’t know.” It will eventually lead to an end in that relationship because one partner can’t decide what to do or even offer suggestions.

To Christ, we do the same thing all the time. “So, you wanna love me with all your heart?” “Oh, I don’t know,” we answer, never committing ourselves, constantly wavering on the fence.

There are two requirements for the road: fasting and prayer. It’s the only keys to intimacy with Christ, and it works. It hurts, I die, and Christ is glorified. I mean, when did you ever hear me glad to get up at 5am and gladly serve breakfast to people I don’t know. Hmm, it was good. I enjoyed it, really I did.

Since this conference, there is a perpetual question in my heart. Am I hot? Not by today’s standards, I know that would be impossible. I mean, am I what God wants me to be? I know I haven’t arrived, but I have started the journey. It’s a lonely road. I’d love some company.