Funny Quotes
Me: Oh, I need to take these strawberries to my room and eat them all!Mom: No! Put them down! You cannot take them to your room and eat them.
Me: * opens container and eats one. *
Mom: What did I say?!
Me: You said I couldn't take them to my room and eat them. This is the kitchen.
The ice cream truck was going through our neighborhood playing Mary Had a Little Lamb.
Me: *singing along* Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of slaw.
Partially sedated guy on medical reality show: You're so good! You're a professional! What's your name? I'm gonna mail you a fruit basket!
Me: I wish he'd mail me a fruit basket!
Mom: Me too!
Me: And by fruit basket I mean a basket of fruit and not a crazy ass homosexual.
Mom: Have you seen the picture of New Kids on the Block?
Me: No. Should I?
Mom: Come look at it.
Me: Holy moly! I need some of them new kids all over my block!!!
Me: I found a photo that accurately describes me.
Mom: What is it?
Me: It says: 50% sweet and caring and 50% sarcastic asshole.
Mom: I'd say that's more 90-10.
Me: So I'm only 10% sarcastic asshole?
Mom: That's NOT the direction I was going with that! Try again.
Me: Closed captioning makes me giggle. During Easter sermon a few years ago, they wrote, "Jesus arose from the gravy," instead of "grave," and today it was, "Jesus went with his diced apples," instead of "disciples." We're slowly concocting the Last Supper.
Mom: They're a cult!
Josh: Of personality!
Mom: I am so proud right now and feel I have succeeded as a parent because of that reference!
Don't tell me you can't train a cat.
Cody: *meows at me 10 different ways to get my attention*
Me: Bring me your head.
Cody: *understands what this means and runs toward me*
Mom: Pay attention!!
Me: I can't afford it!!
Me: *walking into living room to show mom something* Look at this-
Dad: *interrupts me, jokingly* Get out of the way, I'm gonna knock your mama out!
Me: Hang on, lemme get my camera out!
Me: You know that time period where all the paintings look like everyone was rolling their eyes?
Mom: Actually, yes, I do.
After returning from the grocery store:
Dad: *puts bananas in fruit bowl, then puts tomatoes in fruit bowl*
Mom: They don't go there.
Me: Why not? They're fruits.
Mom: ........... Touché.
Josh: Replace one character from a movie from any character from any other movie.
Me: *thinks* Replace Rose with Voldemort.
Josh: *thinking I meant Rose from Doctor Who* From a movie.
Me: Rose from Titanic!
Josh: Oh! *thinks* Bahahaha!
Me: Can't you see Voldemort saying, "Draw me like one of your French girls!"
Me: *walking through the living room to get to the laundry room, I notice bluegrass music playing on TV* How many people have died?
Mom: Shut up! *pause* Just one. They're carrying her body back by train.
My mom made her delicious lemon bundt cake.
Mom: I need a place to put the cake.
Me: My stomach.
Mom: Noooo. You can't eat this cake. This is a cake you get to look at.
Me: Can I look at it with my teeth?
Guy on TV: There's a problem with your plan.
Guy 2 on TV: What's the problem with it?
Me: *imitating Guy 1* Your plan is stoooopid! *intimating guy 2* NU-UH! IS NOT! I'M TELLING MY DAD!!
Me: Wanna smell my new chap sticks?
Mom: No, they break my lips out.
Me: You smell with your lips?
Me: *goes into living room* Did you call me?
Mom: No.
Me: Oh, I thought I heard you call me.
Mom: It was the devil. You're so evil.
Me: Well, he sounds a lot like you so you might wanna talk with him about that.
Mom: I told Cody to vacuum but he's just standing there like he doesn't care.
Me: No, he cares.
Mom: How can you tell?
Me: If he didn't care, he'd have his paws in the air waving them about.
Dad: *to mom* Let's get a pizza and eat it in front of Carrie.
Me: Do you even know me? I will end you over the right kind of pizza!
Me: Is it counterproductive to choke on a Lifesaver? Because I just did that!
Mom: What are you eating?
Me: Banana chips.
Mom: They taste like paste.
Me: Why have you been eating paste?
Mom: What's that? *points to thing in my hand*
Me: A magazine.
Mom: I know that! I'm senile but not THAT senile.
Me: You just asked what it was, not the name of it.
Mom: Which magazine is that?
Me: Teen Vogue. You want it?
Mom: No.
Me: I didn't think you'd be interested in the perfect winged eyeliner or a dream date with Ansel Elgort.
Mom: I might be!
Mom: *at the timer* SHUT UP!
Me: Now, was that nice?
Mom: No.
Me: It was trying to be helpful and you yelled at it.
Mom: I'm sorry, timer.
Me: That's better.
Jacqui: Name this Godzilla movie!
Me: Godzilla and the day he lost his fancy purse.
Tommy: Not the purse!!!
Me: You can see the shock, surprise, and anguish in his face. It breaks my heart.
Tommy: He does look rather discombobulated.
Josh: * throws a mint Lifesaver at me *
Me: OW! That hit me in the tit!
Josh: It was a teat-seeking missile!
Alex: What the hell? What is the plural for vagina?!
Me: Vaginas.
Alex: Spell check kept saying NO.
Me: Spell check is a virgin and can't handle more than one vagina.
Jacob R: Someone pushed me off the slide today.
Me: It was me.
Jacob R: No, it wasn't. You weren't there!
Me: Yes, I was because I pushed you off the slide.
Jacob: Carrie! * grabs Josh's incense burner * What's this?
Chris: It burns those sticks * points to incense *
Jacob: It has elephants on it. * gets very monotone * Yaaaay.
Me: That was a very lackluster "yay".
Chris: That was like, "Instead of going to Kings Dominion, we're going to Busch Gardens!"
Me: * lackluster * Yaaaaaay.
Jacob: * sings * We're going to Disney World for my 7th birthday.
Chris: Did you have to turn that into a musical number?
* for the rest of the conversation, everything ANYONE said, Chris was their "backup singer" *
Me: Ugh! I'm going inside. You're annoying me.
Chris: *sings * Carrie's going inside because I'm annoying. * lackluster * Yaaaaay.
Dad: Push it toward the wall.
Mom: Which wall?
Dad: The wall.
Mom: Which wall?!
Dad: THE WALL!
Mom: THERE ARE FOUR WALLS IN THIS ROOM! WHICH WALL?!
Me: I'm glad we don't have to hunt for food anymore.
Mom: Why?
Me: Because I don't even know where sandwiches live!
Mom: Behind bushes.
Me: Just any ol' bush?
Mom: No, one's like that have soybeans.
Me: Good to know if we're ever in a pinch.
Brandi: How do you tell someone to 'quit smacking that damn gum or I am going to smack you' gently?
Me: Beg pardon, sir/madam. I have taken notice of the resonations caused by the manner in which you choose to masticate upon your chewy treat. I feel obligated to inform you that if said thunderous mastication does not cease, I will be more than obliged to strike you most firmly on and around your cranium. Thank you for your time.
Me: * just now while looking for something I couldn't find * Trick or treat! Smell my butt! OH MY GOD, MAN! WHAT THE FUCK?! *ahem*
Cody: * meow * * chirp * * purrs loudly * * meow *
Me: SHUT UP!
Cody: * chirp * * meow *
Me: * gets up and opens the door to let him out * Were you put here on earth to annoy everybody? Because you're doing a GREAT JOB
* Stephen Hawkin came on TV during the announcement of the 12th Doctor. *
Me: What'd he say? I don't speak Speak-N-Spell.
* Showed my dad a pic of my little cousins dressed for Halloween. *
Dad: Are they dressed for Halloween?
Me: I hope so. I don't reckon they usually go around dressed as zombies.
Me: * emerging into the living room after killing a fly that's been bothering our family ALL DAY * I. AM. VICTOOORIIIOUS!!!!
Nurse: I can't let you leave until your bag of fluids is finished. It's gonna be a while.
Me: Open the bag, I'll drink it!
Josh: What do you think they'd do if I got some saline to put in your port.
Me: I dunno.
Josh: I could tell them, "I just wanted to flush her inside-y parts."
Mom: I can't believe that's Teresa!
Me: I can't believe that's Jimmy!
Josh: I can't believe it's not butter!
Mom: I wouldn't move to Greenville over nothing.
Dad: Why?
Me: It's not safe there. There was just a homicide on Moseley Drive.
Dad: Come on, honey. Let's move to Greenville.
Mom: NO!
Me: There's an apartment open on Moseley Drive.
* talking about ferrets *
Rissa: I'm naming him Miso
Me: Will his middle name be Horny?
* My ex and I on the phone today. *
Mike: * at Walmart * I need wraps. Where would they be?
Me: I dunno.
Mike: Pull up Google maps and look for them!
* dragging my laundry basket behind me through the living room toward the laundry room *
Mom: You takin' those to the laundry room?
Me: Nope. Just takin' my laundry for a walk.
Mom: Sometimes I don't think Josh listens.
Me: What?
Mom: Sometimes I don't think Josh listens.
Me: What?
Mom: SHUT UP!
Me: * walks out of my room, fully dressed, keys in one hand, purse in the other *
Mom: Going somewhere?
Me: No. I sometimes just like to get all dressed up and stand outside my bedroom door.
Mom: * talking to my sister * ... that black car out there.
Me: What black car?
Mom: Yours.
Me: My car is blue.
Mom: Since when.
Me: Since I bought it six years ago.
Me: She's not fat, she's just full of stupid!!!
Josh: She gives me hope for third world countries, but makes me lose my faith in the intelligence of our nation.
Mom: Did you email that woman about the CMAs?
Josh: No, G’ma! CNA!
Mom: What’s the difference?
Josh: I want to be a nurse, not a country music star!
Nurse: * pushing a button on my bed * Oops! Wrong button!
Me: Don’t be pushing any buttons that will eject me from this thing!
Nurse: * tries to scan my hospital bracelet but it won’t work *
Me: Oh, no!! Dr. Petrizziello took my thyroid AND my identity!!!
Me: My throat is sore and my ice cream is lazy. It won’t put itself in a bowl and come feed me!
Miranda: BAD ICE CREAM! VERY BAD ICE CREAM! Have you tried beating it?
Me: I have. It just turns into a milkshake, then I have all these boys in my yard and I don’t know what to do with them all.
Me: *stuttering my way through a sentence*
Josh: I give you the power of English! *puts both hands on my head*
Me: Dankeschön!
Hannah: *in a Southern accent* Turkey! Gravy! Mashed Potatoes! Stuffin! Sweet Potato Casserole! Aaaaaand pie! *snores*
Matt P: It takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.
Josh: Pa-Pa ... Mama ... Shut up!
Hannah: Bring all my stuff from the bathroom!
Me: I'm not an octopus, Hannah!
Hannah: I feel like running.
Me: Well, go for it.
Hannah: Nah. it's just a feeling.
Me: I think I'm typing in Korean now! *types some more* Yep. Definitely Korean. Fix it!
Kyle: *sprays me in the crotch with a water bottle* I got you wet!
Miranda: *takes water bottle from Kyle and sprays him in the face* No, Kyle! No!
Me: Why do you have an epipen in your car?
Matt G: He's probably allergic to bees.
Jermain: *nods*
Me: So are you allergic to any other letter of the alphabet?
Peter: ... K3PO4
Me: C3PO?
Peter: No. K3PO4.
Jared: C3PO's cousin.
Matt G: Sausage, egg and cheese.
McDonald's: On a biscuit?
Lindsay: No, on a salad!
Me: I've lost the remote.
Phillip: I've lost my will to live
Me: *bursts out laughing* Wait ... were you serious? Because if you were, that's not funny!
Matt G: When I look at you, I know I'm home.
Me: We no longer have a chinchilla.
Phillip: Did he fly away?
Me: Phillip, chinchillas don't fly.
Phillip: Yours must have been broken.
Me: Whatever. I took him to Sweet Pets. They're gonna find him a good home.
Phillip: Did you tell them the chinchilla is broken? How are they gonna sell a broken chinchilla?
Matt G: What does a charge nurse do? Run full speed into patients?
Matt G: What's it saying?
Me: When I click "activate" it says: nigga please!
Matt G: I like rape!
Me: I like it so much, I did it twice.
Phillip: I don't speak durh!
Mom: I think you're having a manic doodle.
Peter: All wounds have a smell
Elisha: Pfft *sniffs* Strawberries!
Me: Oh Jesus. Could you pick that up for me?
Josh: Yeah. I can pick it up, but my name's not Jesus.
Josh: Have you ever noticed that he's kinda ugly?
Me: Well I'll just walk to work then! *walks to corner* I'm here!
Matt G: Can you run out of horn?
Me: He can't die! He's in my circle!
Phillip: I feel a draft.
Matt T: There's a giraffe in here?!
Me: I like when I get thirsty and I grab my cup and there's still drink in there. It's like Christmas.
Phillip: *catches stove on fire* What should I do?!
Me: I dunno! I caught my house on fire!
Me: I have a headache but I took some prozac so I'm happy about it.
Mom: No one could eat Chinese food every day.
Me: The people in China do it all the time.
Me: I'm not a guest. I'm more of an infestation.
Phillip: We should grill hamburgers. We don't have any hamburger but we can try!
Phillip: When a mommy and daddy lighter love each other very much ...
Josh: It didn't come from Walmart so we don't know if it has protein!
Me: Oh my good God! Why didn't someone warn me that fiery habanero doritos were made with the fires from the pits of Hell?!
Me: I make really loud facial expressions.
Corey: Can you smell it? Because if you can't smell it, it's not really happening.
Hannah: That's okay. We have all day to sleep tomorrow. And we've got bacon!
Matt G: I hate you with a passion of the Christ!
Matt G: *with his hands down his pants* I had to get some floss!
Me: Do you think one of the girls on 2 Girls, 1 Cup said, "This is some good shit!"
Matt G: Carrie? If you were a pirate, would you wear your parrot on this shoulder? Or this one?
*This was his sly way of putting his arm around me*
Me: You think you Jesus? You can't walk on water!
Matt G: *sings to the tune of "I Wanna Be A Rockstar"* Hey, hey! I wanna eat a Poptart!
Matt G: He said he was gonna make us some sort of chicken shit.
Me: No, thanks. I can find something else for dinner that's better than chicken shit.
Spencer: This bass makes me have to use the bathroom.
Matt G: *shouting as I hit him in the stomach* TONKY!!
Matt G: DICKY BITCH!
Phillip: Where the fuck are my underwear?!
Phillip: You can get the afro version at negro.com.
Hannah: Your chimichanga is sleeping.
Me: Hannah, it's called a chinchilla.
Matt G: *as I'm playing with his hair* You like 'em?
Me: Uh huh. *picks one piece out of the rest* Especially this one!
Eddy: *pulls at his hair*
Me: You need to be a bit nicer to your hair. It just grew back.
Lead singer of a live band: *sings* I don't know why...
Matt G: She swallowed the fly!!
Me: Kcrrr! Look at the bag!
Daniel: Buzz Lightyear can't fly. If he thinks he can fly...
Me: That makes him R Kelly!!
Me: And that's how they died.
Erin: *in a Southern accent* That's not niiiice!
Peter: I had a woman seize on me today. It pissed me off!
Me: Well, I'm sure it wasn't the highlight of her day either!
Me: *gasp* I wanna put Alka-Seltzer in the pool!
Phillip: *gasp* I need Q-Tips!!
Peter: I almost got a fresh fruit tray from the store.
Jordan: You don't need to. You have me! I'm a fruit tray.
Peter: But you're not fresh.
Todd: *looking at the drink in my hand* Carrie, you're not drinking! Why aren't you drinking?!
Chris K: Do all your family members use the same social security number?
Me: You'll have to wait until I get finished eating.
Eddy: It's a sandwich! It's portable!
Peter: It's a shame.
Me: What is?
Peter: Tuna spends its entire life in water. Then it's caught, ground up and put back in water and stuffed in a can. It's a shame.
Me: I'm thinking the tuna don't mind so much after the whole death part.
Kevin: What time is it?
Me: Your mama! It's says, "Ruby o'clock".
Peter: You're 20, right?
Robert: Yeah.
Peter: When are you gonna be 18?
Matt G: Suck a fart out of my ass!!
Phillip: Carrie Ba'Gockin likes to put the cock in.
Me: Yeah, I do!
Matt G: *after hooking his computer up to our TV* I can't believe I'm watching porn with ya'll.
Peter: Actually you're not.
Me: We're watching a bear... your screen saver.
Matt G: Okay! Let's go fuck! EAT! I MEANT EAT!
Peter: I saw something at the store that I wanted to try.
Phillip: What? A 13-year-old boy?
Phillip: Oh, Carrie. Shut up.
Me: My vagina's an Easy Bake Oven!
Me: He says chocolate tastes like pennies to him now.
Jacqui: I thought you said penis!
Me: *laughs* No.
Jacqui: Oh man! Penis is like chocolate for the vagina!
Phillip: Happy uni-brow!!
Jacqui: Call him.
Me: No, because then he'll expect me to talk to him.
Jacqui: Text him.
Me: No, because then he'll call me and we'll be back to my original complaint.
Eddy: What's a crescent?
Todd: It's what you get instead of a bagel.
Chris: Oh my God! That house is making a face at me!
Phillip: It's the movie where the people are in the dryer.
Todd: What's it called?
Me: People in the Dryer.
Eddy: He said it was big, black and hairy.
Phillip: That sounds like a porn.
Eddy: Is this gonna be a long conversation?
Me: That depends on how long you plan on talking.
Matt G: *walking backwards* Where are you going? Carrie, come back!
Peter: I want to eat on this *points to ottoman* but I don't want to make a mess.
Me: Then I would suggest using a plate.
Me: *gasp* You can't "ew" at Channing Tatum!
Matt G: He's not my type.
Me: Bullshit! He's everyone's type! He's even my dad's type!
Peter: Shit!
Me: I don't have to right now. I can't just do that on command, you know?
Phillip: I was gonna get her *drops his phone* GOD!
Me: You're gonna get her God?! Isn't he a little bit expensive?
Todd: Just stick your finger in the hole and wiggle it around.
Chris: My foot is loose.
Chris: Why is the sidewalk sideways?
Me: Because it's a "side" walk.
Peter: Don't eat all the cookies tonight. I want some cookies and milk tomorrow.
Robert: Aight, Santa.
Peter: *to Robert* You pay attention to the TV while I tell her this. *to me* What was I going to tell you?
Me: It's Eastern.
Todd: It's not Easter, Carrie! It's May!
Josh: Doesn't it smell like purple?!
Phillip: It sounds like we're standing in front of ourselves.
Matt G: I have a headache in my face.
Matt G: I know I just opened my eyes but I'm not a duckling!
Matt G: My fingers don't have twats!
Hannah: *sings to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas* And don't forget Strawberry Daquiri!
Matt G: Mmm, yummy! Send me a pickle! PICTURE! I MEANT PICTURE!
Matt G: The gun fell out of his pocket and the way it hit the floor made it bounce and... I dunno! I'm not a mathematician!
Me: Get off me, fuckie!
Matt T: I did the Soulja Boy at work today.
Matt G: Can I help yooooouuuuuu?
Matt G: Read the erections.
Matt G: Look at homeboy picking his nose. My bad, it's a homegirl.
Homegirl: *turns and looks at us*
Matt G: Oh shit! All the windows are down!
Peter: I have a headache. Let's have sex.
Treasure: I said, "It hurts!" He said, "It hurts like what?" I said, "It hurts like OUCH, muthafucka!"
Angel: I could wear blue jeans, a white shirt and black shoes. Does that match?
Me: Yeah, depending on what part of the 80's you're in.
Angel: Fuck the fuck off, Carrie.
Phillip: Your phone is bipolar and bilingual and bisexual.
Peter: It's like WHITCHA! Japanese!
Me: Eddy? What is DTMF?
Eddy: Dial tone, muthafucka!
Me: Holy crotch!
Laura: What's your mom making for din-din?
Me: She said, "nothing."
Laura: That tastes good with mayo.
Me: Gently tap my ass! Wait.
Me: *to my mom* Phillip and I want to know the difference between pork roast and pot roast.
Mom: Pot roast is beef and pork roast is pork.
Me: *to Phillip* Pot roast is beef.
Phillip: Then what's por- Never mind.
Phillip: I'm 23?
Me: Yep.
Phillip: I'm really 23?! I thought I was 22!
Jacqui: A little retarded, are we?
Me: I'm severely retarded. I'm like a helmet tard that drools.
Jacqui: Well, I'm the helmet tard the drools, pisses themselves when they get excited and runs into walls.
Phillip: Court always makes me feel like I gotta poo.
Phillip: *in an IM* mfer!! What does a network error means when you upload something? It won't upload!! GD! BITCH! SHIT! DAMN! ASS! DICK! COCK! FUCK! PUSSY! BARBARA STREISAND!!!
Phillip: Wind? Your last name is Wind?
Me: Wouldn't it be funny if his middle name was 'breaks'?
Me: Phillip said his last name was Koon. It'd be cool if his middle name was 'rack' or 'cock'.
Phillip: Your breath smells like the ocean!!
Peter: If I sit on the counter, will you fuck me?
While playing the game Dirty Minds
Me: I have blue balls.
Phillip: I'm sorry.
*later*
Phillip: I'm a happy hooker!
*later*
Phillip: I'm supposed to be straight.
Peter: I got those decorations for eight dollas at the Walmart.
Phillip: You mean like, the ones on the door or the whole apartment?
Phillip: I'm magically Phillicious!!
Me: It DOES looks like a sushi!
Phillip: *sings to the tune of Bubbly* It starts on my back, then it drips down my crack...
Phillip: *sings to the tune of Tear Stains on my Guitar* You're the reason for the cum stains on my comforter...
Phillip: So he smells like armpits and eggrolls?
Me: Yeah! That's it!
Eddy: Could you get the sheets out of the dryer?
Phillip: *sitting and doing nothing* I'm doing something right now.
Eddy: Do you need anything washed?
Me: My towel.
Eddy: Well, go get it!
Me: Why don't you fuckin' go get it? I'm trying to check my fucking email and shit...
Eddy: What?!
Phillip: SPAGHETTI!!
Phillip: I have feet!
Phillip: *in a text* Did she just fart?
Girl: Wut dat?
Phillip: A blender.
Girl: A blenda?!
Me: *drops food on the floor* I'm sorry, Phillip! Don't spank me and put me in the cage!
Eddy: Where are ya'll going?
Me: To be pirates.
Phillip: We're gonna go get some booty!
Me: Pirate's Popcorn? Wonder what they sell there!
Phillip: Pirates.
Me: I want a pirate. One that says, "Argh!" and has a parrot.
Phillip: If they hand you a bucket of popcorn, you should be like, "What the fuck is this?!"
Me: I think we need to do this with something smaller or lighter. Those things hurt!
Phillip I'd ring your mouth if you'd stay still!! *throws another Milk Dud at my face*
Me: Eddy, do you have ANY testosterone?!
Me: You don't have to see his face! Doesn't he look like Justin Timberlake?
Me: The highlight of my weekend? Either watching the cat spin and hiss or stealing the benches from Chili's with Phillip. I can't decide.
Phillip: Now say you're sorry.
Phillip: We're like YouTube for God.
Sarah: I'm gonna be shittin' fire tomorrow!
Sarah: He's a douche queef.
Phillip: It reminds me of one of those crime shows where the people don't want their identity revealed so they black them out and change their voices. Only this show would be about closet case homos.
Phillip Personal space invder. *slap Eddy in the forehead*
Eddy: You'd let me shit on you?!
Phillip: Are you talking about the guy with grass in his hair?
Me: I can kick your ass from here.
Phillip: Someone forgot to flush!
Phillip: Eddy, move! I'm trying to watch B.E.T!
Phillip: Claps! Who's got the Claps?!
Phillip: McDonald's?!
Phillip: Would you like a suckle of my Dickel?
Tricia: Yakpoo.com.
Tricia: Smote him!
Me: Boomsheekah Farfignugent Rayshun Hinton Webb MmmHmmm.
Josh: Her smouse hells.
Me: Because I moo. Watch... MOOOOOO! See?
Me: I have dreams that I have a penis. Not like "have" as in "displayed in a trophy case" but "have" as in "I'll be staying in my room all day today, thank you."
Todd: What kind of cookie is that?
Me: Sex.
Todd: Sex?!
Me: Yeah, it's battered in sex and sprinkled with oragsm.
Josh: You remember that Robot Chicken episode where the guy said he farted in a musical tone?
Me: Yeah.
Josh: {name deleted} did that today. It like, sang.
Me: {other name deleted} farts in Dubstep.
Mom: Is Cody limping?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: Carrie, Cody's limping.
Me: Which leg?
Mom: His right.
Dad: No, it's his left.
Me: He has two rights and two lefts. He's a cat.
Me: About 90% of all my friends are gay.
Chris: I'm cool with gays. *pause* OHMIGOD! I saw a gay couple in Wal-mart the other day. These guys weren't just gay. They were supernaturally gay!
Mom: A woman in court got caught with a monkey in her bra.
Me: Could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you correctly.
Mom: A woman went to court with a monkey in her bra.
Me: Please tell me it was a Titi Monkey.
Me: I've felt an earthquake before.
Josh: How big was it?
Me: I dunno. *does a Google search for earthquakes in Tarboro, NC*
Google: Dairy Queen menu, Tarboro, NC.
I used to watch Blue's Clues even when Josh wasn't around. How I spent that time?
Steve: Oh, you found a clue?
Me: Yes. On the mirror.
Steve: On the window?
Me: No, dumbfuck! The mirror!
Steve: On the table?
Me: No, asshole! The mirror! The mirror! God, you're so stupid! Imma find a clue on a giant dildo and cram it up your handy dandy ass!!!
Raluca: By the way, I'm literally peeing my panty-hoes over your quotes page. Is that what you Americans call tights? Panty-hoes? Why do you call them hoes? They're not hoes... they cover legs and vaginas and dicks and shit. Whichever the person has... I've seen a guy wear tights/panty-hoes. It wasn't pretty... wait, panty-hoes and tights are not the same, are they?
Me: *laughs until I'm crying* Panty-hose. But I like panty-hoes better!!
Raluca: Panty-hoes, tights, nylons, tomatoes, cucumbers, vaginas, dicks, oreos, muffins, doughnuts. They're all the same.
Josh was reading off the tornado warning for me.
Josh: A tornado was spotted 3 miles outside of Farmville... how did a tornado get from Facebook to here?
You'll understand this if you watch The Big Bang Theory
Mom: *at my bedroom door* *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?! *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?! *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?!
Yes, this is in German
Me: Heilige Scheiße! Ich BRAUCHE einen Schwanz zu lutschen!
Tom: Scheiße!
Me: Well, I do!
Me: Nerd? I prefer the term "intellectual bad ass".
Jacqui Carrie, I.B.A at your service!
Me: I should get business cards made up!
Jacqui: And whenever an IBA is needed, BAM! You're there!
Me: I'll say a witty line, put on my sunglasses and walk out like a BAMF!
Jacqui: We need to come up with that line now. Then it will all be perfect.
Me: I'm all out of ideas for a line. The only thing that comes to mind is "Can I blow you?"
Jacqui: It's like "Hi can blow you? No no. *whips out card* It's okay I'm an official IBA!"
Me: You're not stupid. You may have made a bad decision but that doesn't lower your IQ. Shit, if every bad decision I made lowered my IQ, I'd be chewing on the keyboard right now instead of typing on it.
Me: Pardon me, I'm in mourning. I just dropped a cupcake on the floor and had to throw it away.
Me: I used to live in Florida with a gay black man named JoeJoe. One day his mother traveled down to Florida to visit us. During the visit, she handed me $100. My eyes widened and I was about to say something to her, ask her why or whatever, when I saw JoeJoe behind her back doing the "SHUT UP" dance complete with hand motions. I just thanked her and kept quiet. When she left, I asked JoeJoe, "Why did your mom give me $100?" He said, "I told her that you're my girlfriend. She so thankful that I'm not gay that she gave you the money. I'm sure she would have given you more if you weren't white but beggars can't be choosers." $100 for just standing there? Can't beat that! I wonder how much I'd cost if I were black?
Josh: *in a sarcastically dramatic voice* Parkhill Mall. Theater 2. You'll never guess what's playing.
Me: What?
Josh: The Justin Bieber movie.
Me: Oh. My. God! You'll have to call Mike and tell him he can't come tomorrow. We can spend all day at the matinee!
Josh: So. Excited!!!
Me: Mom, Mike can't come this weekend.
Mom: Why?
Me: The Justin Bieber movie is at the Parkhill Cinema. Josh and I are spending all day at the matinee. You wanna come?
Mom: That's where I've been all afternoon.
Me: *dramatic gasp* Betrayal!
Josh: How could you?!
Mom: Her sister was loose as Moody's goose!
Me: What does that saying even mean? I think it's possible that Moody's goose got a bad reputation for nothing! Everyone talks about that poor goose!
Mom: It means that Moody couldn't contain his goose.
Me: So like, were the townsfolk just use to the goose being loose all the time? Like visitors came to town, sitting in a restaurant eating and would be like, "A goose just walked through the dining room." And the waiter would just be like, "Yeah, that's Moody's goose. He's always loose." Or "Is that a goose coming out of the bank?" "Yeah, that's Moody's goose. He's always loose."
Mom: Why is he called Moody?
Me: I'd be Moody too if I had to run all over town trying to contain my goose!
Mom: Water from the well in a tin dipper is SO good!
Me: Ew, it's dirty!
Mom: You wash it first.
Me: How do you wash water?
On Facebook, I changed my job to Tokio Hotel's person whore
Brandi: Are they taking applications?
Me: They need someone to relieve me (no pun intended) so that I can have at least 2 days off during the week. They're also taking applications for a sexy nurse. I think you fit the description perfectly. I'll put in a good word for you.
Someone mentioned being an accountant and wanting a job too
Me: Good because I don't think Bill and Tom know how to count at all. I'm not sure about Georg but Gustav is pretty good at counting. He can make it to 20 before he gets confused.
Brandi: Oh good. I hear Tom gets his pills confused and poor Bill, he is always sickly. I shall inquire within!
Me: Please make your first task be feeding Bill a sandwich or 22.
Brandi: Or 22? He needs a steak! OMG... I will be like, "I swear it's vegan".
Me: "It's a vegetarian steak, Bill! The cow ate nothing but grass and bread. That counts, right?"
Brandi: Exactly! People just dont see things the way we do, hunny! Poor Bill. If the wind blows just right... he's a goner.
Me: I can see it now... Tom: Zo, Biu, I vas tinking mebby we go out to eat tonight. Biu? Biu? Gustav: Dee vind blew hard. Biu flew away. Tom: Where? Georg: *pointing* He's stuck on dat chimney. Tom: Tobi! Biu's stuck on a chimney again!
Me: Tom, zeig mir deine Schwanz und ich zeige dir meine Pflaume! Nur nicht erzählen Gustav!
Me: Is it gonna snow?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Arschgefickte Scheiße!
Mom: What?
Me: It means "Oh darn"
Me: Yes, I went to Hogwarts but I transferred to Pigfarts during my last year. Rumbleroar is SOOOO much better than Dumbledore *flails and slides out of my chair and across the floor*
Me: Ahhhh! The elevator music in my therapist's office is playing This I Promise You by NSYNC. So to freak out the other patients, I'm singing along... in Spanish!
Me: I cursed my cat out. You have to understand that he was totally asking for it.
I have to keep my bedroom door shut or it won't get warm in my room. Skylar likes to play this game. He'll stand at the door and meow loudly. If I ignore him, he'll slide both his paws down my door and then meow some more. I get up and let him in and he'll stand there and look at me like, "Oh, were you going somewhere?" After I usher him in, he'll chill out for a few minutes and then stand at the door and meow to get out. After 30 or so times of playing this game with him, I finally was at my wit's end! He had JUST come in the room. I had JUST sat back down and I hear, "RAAUU!" (because that's how me meows). I jumped up and yelled, "SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!!! YOU BETTER HAVE SOME IMPORTANT FUCKING BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO OUT THERE OR I'M RIPPING YOUR VOCAL CORDS OUT THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLE! YOU BETTER BE GLAD I HAVE TO PISS!!!!"
So, you see? He was totally asking for it.
And what did my yelling accomplish? Not shit. He didn't even glance at me as I was yelling and 10 minutes later he was meowing at my door to get back in.
Raluca: Just don't let him in.
Me: His meow is HORRIBLY LOUD so if I don't let him in, he wakes up the entire house. Mind you, he doesn't do this if we're sleeping. If my light is out and I'm in bed, he minds his own business. He thinks he's gonna miss something when my light is on. It's like he thinks I'm gonna be sneaking people in my bedroom window and having a rave that he's not invited too. He has to keep checking in on me.
Me: You can't get the chinchilla wet.
Mike B: Why not?
Me: Because he'll multiply.
Mike B: *bursts out laughing* Dumbass.
Me: We can't feed him after midnight either.
Me: I don't care if his name is... I dunno... Tupac! He's hot!
Me: Would it be considered a song? He doesn't sing.
Matt G: I think it's a single.
Me: Music?
Matt G: Noise.
Me: That works.
Matt G: Or Tribal chant.
Lindsay H: Is my piss hurting you?
*She meant to say: Is my purse hitting you?*
Phillip: Todd and I are gonna start an organization to give mirrors to the less fortunate. It's gonna be called the "What the fuck were you thinking?!" fund.
I hate that my mom's mind is going but I love the fact that it replaces common words with nonsensical words.
Mom: Carrie, put the squiggly-wigglies in the fridge.
Me: o.O Squiggly-wigglies?
Mom: *points to the Diet Mt. Dew cans*
Josh was about to play his PS3 but he had to switch the TV to video mode. The front of the TV said: FRNT
Me: FRNT? Fuckin' Red Ninja Turtle.
Mom: I saw one of the weirdest, oddest things today.
Me: Yourself in the mirror naked?
While discussing how much of the bed they get:
Mom: *pointing to my dad* He gets three quarters. I only get a quarter.
Me: Wow, Mom! You're a cheap prostitute!
Me: I changed the name of my wifi today. I'm digging the fact that it's now called Pretty Fly For A WiFi.
Dad's cell phone starts ringing from across the room:
Mom: What does that mean?!
I went to the bathroom door while my mom was showering to tell her something.
Mom: What do you want?
Me: *sarcastically* To join you for a tea party.
Mom: I'd rather have a Coke party. *meaning the soda*
Me: Shall I invite Charlie Sheen?
There was a Native American on TV talking about a vision he had.
Mom: Stop smoking that stuff and you'll stop having visions.
Dad: What stuff?
Mom: Pie-oat or something.
Me: Peyote.
Mom: No, that's not it.
Me: Yes, it is! It's Peyote.
Mom: Wrong.
Me: *sigh*
Me: I know I've said this before but I don't think you realize how serious I am about it. I REALLY want a vampire to sneak in my room tonight and turn me. Stop laughing! I'm serious!
Me: I don't know who has the voodoo doll of me but I get the point. You don't like me. Could you please stop stabbing it in the left knee repeatedly? It hurts like a bitch!
Mom: *to the dog* You're a good kitty that barks!
Me: I wonder what flavor milkshake brings the most boys to my yard. I need to experiment.
Eddy: Jesus, hit the brake! I got the wheel!
Me: Is that a frog or a duck?
Eddy: It's a tractor.
Eddy: That's why we never have any money! We're always spending it. But we're happy!
Eddy: I really believe we evolved from monkeys.
Me: Vandersloot!
Eddy: You're pulling my underhair arm!
Saundra: Eddy's the macho man.
Me: When did this happen?
Jordan: And some junk.
Eddy: We can cut out Blockbuster and ice cream. Wait! No! Not ice cream!
Justin: Tarantulous!
Phillip: Why do I have so many ones?
Eddy: Because your five had babies!
Justin: Holla-la-la-la-la-laaaaa!
Me: You know whaaat? Fahck yooooou!
Me: If they just absolutely have to look at boobs they can do it on their own computers at home, invest in a hustler magazine or get fat and grow some moobies.
Me: Look! He's trying to teach her how to read!
Me: *clutches food* My precious!
Justin: He must be on some fairy crack!
Me: You wanna ride in my hoopty, doopty loopty?
Me: *wakes up in the middle of the night* Graycie! Will you KINDLY quit walking on me?!
Eddy: *runs from the kitchen* OHMYGOD! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!
Eddy: Nu-uh, Brandon. You can't shake this shit off!
Eddy: You'll be strong.
Me: *so drunk I slid off the bench we're sitting on*
Eddy: Carrie, where are you going?
Me: No-wah!
Me: Nu-uh, BITCH!
Me: BEEEITCH!
Eddy: *while high at Walmart, watching the groceries move on the conveyor belt* Where are they going?!
Me: Chewy Sprees?!
Kevin: You know what Asians wear around their necks?
Me: Enlighten me.
Kevin: Bring bring!
Me: That's racist.
Kevin: I'm Asian though so it cancels out.
Me: How did you go from joke to math? Who does that?
Kevin: Asians.
Me: I have rainbow pride with rims.
Me: Is this a Jesus song?
Caroline: All up in the flavor and don't even know the Kool-Aid. Wait. That is the wrong way, right?
Me: I was talking to Carrie. Not myself but another Carrie. Why are you laughing?
Me: Don't fuck with a crazy white bitch when she got a shoe in her hand!
Me: I'm not entirely sure what a "happy camper" is but I'm quite certain that I'll never be one. I fucking hate camping!
Me: My phone turned itself off. It wasn't even dead. It was just like, "I'm fuckin' tired, yo!" And shut down.
Me: *yelling at the cats who were fighting* STOP IT! THIS IS NOT WRESTLE-MANIA!
My mom, dad and I were watching an old Western about a boy named Dick whose mother was very harsh on him and wouldn't allow him to go play with Joey because Joey was an orphan. The mother was being particularly rude to Dick.
Dad: Reminds you of your mom, huh Carrie?
Me: Yep. She's always so mean to me!
Dad: She's always yelling and won't let you go outside.
Me: All I wanna do is go outside and play with dick but she won't let me!
Mom: I bet you wanna go outside and play with dick!
Mom: You're obsessed.
Me: And I'm okay with that.
Me: My water bottle broke. RIP R3H2O.
Nicole: Why did you name it that?
Me: It's a play off of Star Wars' R2D2 and C3PO. On the side of my water bottle it said: "Reduce, Recycle, Reuse" So R3 and then it's a water bottle so it holds H2O.
Me: *yelling at the cats for fighting* SKYLAR! STOP CHEWING ON CODY! HE IS NOT BEEF JERKY!
Me: Josh just text'd. They're on their way home from the beach. *long silence so I switched to my high voice* Oh really, Carrie? That's fascinating! *normal voice* Yes, indeed. It IS fascinating! *high voice* We're so glad you told us! *normal voice* Hey, it's what I do. I'm just happy to be able to relay the message.
Mom: Who are you talking to?
Me: *yells* YOU!
Mom: I thought you were talking to yourself.
Me: Why would I need to loudly announce to myself that Josh just text'd me?
Forty minutes later
Me: Josh isn't coming home tonight.
Ten minutes later
Dad: Is Josh coming home tonight?
Mom: I dunno.
Me: I thought I killed a fairy last night.
Josh: What?!
Me: I was sitting on my bed watching Gnomeo and Juliet and I saw something white flash in front of me. It looked like a thin line of light. I sat there for a few minutes trying to decide if I really saw it and gave up when I didn't see anything else. A few minutes later, there was a light green thing crawling on my leg. My immediate reaction was to hit it and it fell off my leg and onto the floor. As soon as I did it my mind went, "OMG! That was the white light looking thing. OMG DID I JUST KILL A FAIRY?!?!?!" I had to inspect it closely and thankfully it was some form of flying grasshopper looking thing and NOT Tinkerbell.
Me: My head's starting to go away.
Josh: Really?
Me: Headache! Not head!
Later on...
Me: What flavor are those incense?
Josh: They don't have a flavor!
Me: Scent! I meant scent!
Me: Ugh! If I'm gonna have cottonmouth like this, I should at least be granted a nice high or a wicked trip or something!
Mom: You need money if you want a screw.
Me & Josh: *burst out laughing*
Mom: I mean, that if you want a screw, you have to pay for it!
Me: Yeah, prostitutes usually require money.
Mom: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! A SCREW! AN ACTUAL SCREW!
Me: Have you ever taken a moment to think and realized that the pain in your ass was actually someone fucking you over repeatedly?
Alex:You have such beddazzling tits, even mosquitos can't wait to get into your pants!
Harley: *barking at the front door*
Mom: Harley, be quiet! You'll wake the baby.
Me: We don't have a baby.
Mom: He doesn't know that.
Me: *picks up a candle* This candle is "Jump for Joy" scented. That's a scent?
Josh: Apparently.
Me: *sniffs and then jumps* Wow. It works.
Josh: *laughing* Whatever.
Me: Smell it! *holds it under Josh's nose*
Josh: *smells it*
Me: You didn't jump for joy.
Josh: *suddenly jumps*
Me: Delayed reaction?
Josh: No. Time release.
My mom got a new credit card in the mail today.
Me: *grabs it* Oooh! Shiny new Visa!
Mom: *snatches it away* No. This has $4000 on it and you're not having it.
Me: There's a lot I could do with $4000! *turns to walk to my room*
Mom: Uh, excuse me!
Me: *turns back to her confused*
Mom: The card!
Me: What card?
Mom: My Visa!
Me: What about it?
Mom: Give it back!
Me: Mom, it's in your hand.
Mom: *looks down* Oh.
My dad and I are both allergic to corn. Dad was making popcorn.
Me: If you can't eat corn then how can you eat porn?
Dad: What?!
Me: POPCORN! NOT PORN!
Mom: Could you pour me a little Dr...
Josh: Yes, nurse. What would you like?
Mom: Dr. Pepper. You're as much as a smartass as Carrie.
Me: Josh, go to bed.
Josh: Why?
Me: It's after midnight. *pause and grins slowly before singing* And something evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart. *dancing in my seat* You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it. You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes. You're paralyzed. *belts out* 'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER!!!! THRILLER NIGHT!!!
My cats (Cody and Skylar) fight sometimes. They don't actually cat fight but rather Skylar will walk over to Cody and just start gnawing on his ear or the back of his neck and vice versa.
Skylar: *walks over to Cody, bites his neck and won't let go*
Me: Skylar!
Skylar: *ignores me*
Me: SKYLAR!
Skylar: *ignores me*
Me: SKYLAR THOMAS!!! Stop chewing on your brother!!
Skylar: *takes two quick steps away from Cody*
Me: Why do you do that? He's not a delicacy! He's a cat. *pause* Which is a delicacy in some countries. *pause* But we don't live in that country, so STOP!
Me: This girl came into class today...
Kevin: Yeah?
Me: And that's what she did.
Mike B: Carrie, give me four words that rhyme.
Me: Chicken, Lickin', Prestidigitation, and Generation.
Mike B: I can't make a song out of those words!
Me: Then obviously you're not a good song writer.
Mike B: That makes me unique.
Me: Only if 'unique' is a synonym for 'completely stupid'.
Me: Blueberry is my favorite color!
Me: Isn't part of attraction being attracted to their appearance? When people ask, "What first attracted you to her?" The answer is always, "Her eyes" or "Her beauty". It's never "Her ability to conjugate a verb" or "Her level of intelligence".
Me: Professor Brown is killing me!
Michelle: I know! He's so damn boring!
Me: You missed it yesterday. He taught us how to add. To ADD for fuck's sake! He gave us the phrase to remember how to approach an equation. "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sarah". It stands for Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition and Subtraction. I came up with my own phrase. "Please excuse the fact that I've lapsed into a coma." It stands for, "Please excuse the fact that I've lapsed into a coma."
Michelle: There's something fuzzy over there! I can FEEL it!
Professor Brown: I have three or four kids.
Me: You're unsure of this? You're our MATH teacher but you don't have the ability to count the number of kids you've helped to conceive and raise?
Me: There is a town somewhere out in this big ol' United States called Wackenhut. I would not want to live there. It sounds too masturbatory. What's that over there? Oh, that's just the Wackenhut. That's where all the single men to go "relieve stress".
Kevin: Have you ever tasted Tiger Sauce?
Me: What does it taste like?
Kevin: Tigers.
Me: What do tigers taste like?
Kevin: They're ggggggggreat!
Me: Hang on, there's someone at the door.
Kevin: In my pants.
Kyle: I'm gonna hit you so hard, you're gonna contemplate relieving yourself where you stand.
Kyle: Help control the pet population... eat them.
Kyle: For fuck's sake, Tom!
Kyle: It's my wound.
Me: You should name it.
Kyle: It had a name. Albert. It was removed. Rest in peace, Albert.
Me: Then it should be named "the place formerly known as Albert."
Andrew: *jumps in the pool and splashes my face*
Me: Thanks, Andrew!
Andrew: You don't want to get wet in the pool?
Jared: That's the first thing I'm doing Wednesday.
Tom: Going to Vegas?
Regina: I have a shark tooth necklace at home for free.
Phillip: Was it free for the shark?
Phillip: We got hit by Slumdog Millionaire!
Jermain: I just saying you fried potatoes is ready, massa!
Phillip: You're putting stuff where it doesn't belong. *pause* Which is what I said.
Talking shit to my ex-husband about his new girlfriend.
Peter: It doesn't count if you pay her.
Me: Yes, Hannah. I'm gonna drive to Fayetteville and kill him.
Hannah: I guess I'll go to court by myself.
Me: Not "don't kill him" but "I'm gonna go to court by myself"?
Hannah: Oh yeah! That too.
Josh: Do it! I dare you!
Me: It's baking! Hold on!
Me: *sigh* I wish I could drive the Dairy Queen home.
Phillip: He's like a port-a-potty. Occupied. Except the port-a-potty has less diseases.
Jared: Eff them in the A with a big ol' D!
Hannah: *out of nowhere* Miningitis!
Hannah: I like My Chemical Romance better.
Matt P: Fuck My Chemical Romance! I like my band better! I'm the only member!
Hannah's dad: *yawns loudly*
Me: Hannah, your house is haunted and the ghost is bored.
Hannah: *rolls down the car window and asks a total stranger* Excuse me, can you throw this in the trash for me?
Me: I wish I had that thing in my car so we could listen to the iPod on the way.
Hannah: We should bring my iPod! Oh wait.
Me: Hannah, slow down! I'm fat! I'll have a heart attack!
Hannah: If you have a heart attack, I know CPR.
Me: I don't want to have one but thanks anyway.
Hannah: *talking about the Mustang in front of us*
Me: *as I'm coughing* I'm choking!
Hannah: Oh. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I got this.
Hannah: That Mustang has a good sense of direction.
Jared: Top of the muffin to ya!
We used to have a TV channel that played music all day. You could text the channel with messages for your friends. If there were too many people texting the channel, you'd get a text back that said, "Volume too high at the moment. Try again later." Peter wanted me to text the channel to see it work.
Me: It's saying "volume too high".
Peter: *was turning the volume of the TV up, he throws the remote down* How does it know?!
Jared: So who are you and who are you trying to fuck?
Peter was laughing at something that wasn't really funny for a solid 3 minutes
Me: After a while of being untreated, doesn't syphilis turn into dementia?
Peter: Yeah.
Me: You should really get that checked out.
Jared: Aristocrat Vodka is so cheap it should be on a date with Peter right now.
Jared: Peter, I love you. Love everything about you. I wanna be you for Halloween.
Phillip: Where's Matt?
Me: He's in the library doing some more on his project.
Phillip: He's doing some moron in the library?
Me: *laughs* No! *Peter walks out the door* Peter, where are you going?
Phillip: To the library to be Matt's moron.
Dana: Oh! Did I tell you? I found my teeth!
Jared: Which one is Eddy? You mean the one that looks like a bag full of Aids? You know, like if you took a bag and stuff it with Aids and shook 'em all up?
Jared: Oh Carrie, you're my favorite gay man.
Me: *shouts aloud in Taco Bell* Ukuleles for everyone!
Jared: *after one of Peter's LONG ASS STORIES* What just happened? I feel older now.
Peter rearranged his room and it looked like an office from outside his bedroom door.
Peter: I could run a business in here!
Me: I don't think Office Depot will put "cocksucker" on a business card.
Jordan: Carrie, you're a retard.
Me: I'm not a retard!
Jordan: You're a sexy retard!
Me: Okay!
Me: Phillip! Emergency! Come quick!
Phillip: What's wrong?!
Me: I peed on my tail!
Me: I like to flirt.
Phillip: I like to flirt too.
Me: Flirt sounds like the French word for fart.
Phillip: I flirted.
Me: I ate some crepes and flirted.
Matt G: Now I want a PB&J.
Me: He doesn't have any PB.
Phillip: I have the B&J!
Matt G: *sings* Aaaaaaaaaah Iiiiiiiii farted!
Ryan: Am I hurting you? I'm not doing it too hard am I?
Matt G: I don't want to stay with Sarah Palin! What?! I mean to say Hannah!
Phillip: I don't want to go to work.
Me: Call in sick. You can tell them you have...
Phillip: Mesothelioma?
Jessie: I'm gonna gangbang your ass! Ka-BAM!
Jessie: OH MY GOD! LET'S EAT STUFF!
Phillip: Eddy, what's wrong with your toe? Other than it being YOUR toe.
Matt G was complaining about having to sit through his History of Jazz class listening to old Jazz music
Me: When the next song comes on, you should jump up and shout, "This is my shit, yo!!" And do the booty dance. Crank dat Louis Armstrong!
Matt G: *talking about Peter being a whore* He loves me. And Christian. And Eric. And Mike...
Me: Peter got dating and the directions for using shampoo confused. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. They just never tell you when to stop!
Matt G: *starts his car not realizing he forgot to turn the volume down* HOLY SHIT!!!!!!
Me: Just so you know, no one goes in the "out" hole. I'm a bottom by default but my ass is still off limits.
Professor El: Earlierly.
Me: I'm elated that you're not with him anymore.
Matt G: Belated?
Me: No, elated! I'm not late, I'm happy!
Father Karras: *in the movie The Exorcist* What was my mother's maiden name?
Regan: *vomits on him*
Me: How would you spell that?
Phillip: You forgot to dot the i! *spits*
Me: *talking about Phillip's dogs* Someone's vomiting! *pause* OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S EATING IT!
Dumbass on the internet: Have you allowed your son to drink from a straw or are you scared it'll turn him gay? How is this any different from women who think a man is gay if he drinks a fruity drink?
Me: What do drinking from straws and fruity drinks have to do with homosexuality? My son drinks from a straw and isn't homosexual. I also allow him to eat hotdogs. I guess I'm just living on the edge. I think I'd be more concerned over his sexuality if my son enjoyed a nice deep dicking in his ass.
Devon: Pee-pee nips!
Matt G: My ass is your vag.
Laura: I don't want you to ever spread my ass cheeks.
Josh: I have not been hopping anything! Wait, what?
Mom: *reading the synopsis of a movie* ... Investigate the death of a man who was found at the bottom of an empty bowl. Empty bowl?
Me: Mom, that says 'pool'.
Mom: That makes more sense.
Me: Apparently he ate waaaaay too much.
Phillip: At the smorgasbord?
Matt G: You should get a dog.
Me: What would I name it?
Matt G: You should name it.... huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhu.
Me: You should come to Di'Gioia's and eat with me.
Matt G: Where?!
Me: Di'Gioia's.
Matt G: Where?!?!
Me: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhu!!!
Matt G: That's what is sounds like you were saying!
Devon: Magical fairy pony pixies dot com slash org. Proceeds will go to help footless puppies in Yugoslavia.
Me: Ow! My fallopian tube!
Me: I can perform marriages, funerals, baptisms, last rites and I can start my own church.
Mike D: Wow. The Church of Ba'Gockin.
Me: *points to a guy on a bike* He's the mayor.
Me: Wait! What is this? Could it really be? Oops! It's gone. Whew! For a minute there I almost gave a damn!
I was in the kitchen and Cody kept walking around my legs. He tripped me twice.
Mom: Put the brownies in the microwave so the cats won't get them tonight.
Me: How about I put Cody in the microwave and turn it on?
Mom: Ew. No. Cats in the microwave stink.
Me: And you know this because.... ?
Mom: I'm not telling.
Mom: They're burying that Pitt girl tomorrow.
Dad: The one that got killed?
Me: No, just some girl with the last name of Pitt they found walking down the road. "Hey, you! Come here. We're gonna bury you."
Me: I loved NKOTB. Jon is gay. I loved NSYNC. Lance is gay. I love Tokio Hotel. *glares at Bill*
Mom: Put the clothes in the dryer while you're in there.
Me: Ich spreche kein Englisch. Ich spreche nur Deutsch.
Mom: Then I'll be putting you on a bus to your native country.
Me: Buses don't go to Germany. There's the whole ocean problem
Kathy: Hey, Carrie! Where've you been?
(That's the church's way of asking, "Why haven't you been to church in over a year?")
Me: Home.
Kathy: Hmm. That's a good answer. Sing for me.
(I used to sing solos, duets and trios in church)
Me: No.
Kathy: When are you gonna sing again?
Me: When I go home tonight and turn on my iPod.
Kathy: I wanna hear you sing.
Me: You're welcome to come over to my house.
Kathy: I meant in church.
Me: I know what you meant.
Kathy: You know, you're so beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Kathy: Who's your daddy? *knowing full well who my dad is*
Me: We've narrowed it down to the milkman and the paperboy. We're going on Maury next week to find out.
Kathy: No, your daddy is Bo Thompson.
Me: Yeah, I know. We've met. *walks away*
My mom was going out so I gave her my credit card to go buy some milk, bread, ranch dressing and a stromboli. She had to go to 2 different places so I had 2 receipts.
Mom: *points to some papers* There are your bills. There are 2 of them.
Me: I'd rather have one Gustav, thanks.
Mom: All of those boys are ugly. I don't know why you want any of them.
Me: *gasp* That's blasphemy! Take it back! They're ALL sexy and I'll have you know that Bill is a pretty pretty princess!
McDonald's: Can I help you?
Me: Can I get a Big Mac?
McDonald's: We don't serve Big Macs after 2 am.
Me: Your Big Macs are conditional? When the fuck did this happen? You can't not sell your signature sandwich!
McDonald's: I don't make the rules. You can order off the late night menu.
Me: *looks at the menu* Okay, I'll have the number 4...
McDonald's: We don't have a number 4 after 2 am.
Me: Ma'am, there are 4 fucking burgers on your late night menu. I want the 4th thing that's pictured that has a number 4 written over it.
McDonald's: I don't have a picture of the sign in front of me.
Me: Seriously? Do I need to just come in there and do your job for you? I'm drunk and I have my shit together better than you!
My ex-roommate Peter used to tell these LONG ass boring stories that had no point. One day he was telling Jared and me a story:
Jared: This story could only be more interesting if you found $5.
Peter: Shut the fuck up. *stops telling the story and goes away*
Jared: If I had known that's what we needed to do to shut him up, I would have said it earlier!
Me: *laughs until I snort*
Jared and I told EVERYONE about about that happening. A month later, a BUNCH of us were sitting around mine and Peter's apartment (there were about 20 of us there). Peter had made a fried egg three days prior and had regaled us with the story OVER AND OVER again. We ALL hated the egg story.
Peter: *talking to the boy he was planning to fuck that night and telling him the egg story*
Me: *gets up and throws a dollar on the floor* LOOK! I FOUND A DOLLAR!
EVERYONE ELSE: *throws dollars or fives or credit cards on the floor*
Peter: FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
Peter also had a bad habit of butting into conversations and saying something that had NO relation to the conversation.
Jared: Did you see on The Soup when Joel said...
Peter: I bought a Dr. Pepper today. First one I've had in a long time.
Me and Jared: *look at Peter and then back to one another*
Jared: We'll consider what he said as a commercial break. Now back to our regularly scheduled conversation.
Phillip: They didn't have time machines back in 1973!
Me: Phillip, they don't have them now either.
Laura: I can't get onto your forum.
Me: I can't either. I'm so glad you said something. I'm checking it out right now. *sees the servers are down* The root (forumotion) is down so ALL sites are down.
Laura:Oh OJ.
Me: OJ did it?!
Me: What's going on with Josh's bag?
Mom: The cat (my sister's cat) sprayed on it. I had to throw it away because it smells like pee.
Dad: He won't be spraying on it anymore. Melody took him to get noodled.
Mom: Noodled? You mean neutered?
Me: *laughing* OHMIGOD! CAN'T BREATHE!
Me: Frozen water, frozen water, infant.
Trey: Don't move, form a group and hear. Frozen water is back with a new piece.
Me: An entity seizes a firm grip upon my person.
Jill: Moves fluidly, much like a pulse, whether it's 9am or 9pm.
Me: Will the issue eventually cease? Hark, I am unsure.
Jill: Plug in the recording device; I'll continue with the story.
Me: With great severity, I astonish the device for converting sound waves into electrical energy in a similar manner in which a person defiles property.
Laura: I whip my hair back and forth.
Me: Stop it. You'll get whiplash... Or a hit single.
Me: There's a fine line between being self-confident and being an arrogant bitch.
Josh: He called laughing saying, "I'm still alive."
Me: You should have said, "Damn! That voodoo doll isn't working."
Josh: "Do you at least feel a slight burning sensation?"
Mom: There's a possibility of snow Friday and Monday.
Me: Has no one alerted the weather that this is North Carolina and we don't normally get this shit?
Mom: What happened to global warming?
Me: The ice caps are melting and air is blowing and penguins are farting which causes a cold front to tap dance on our weather. Or whatever that weatherman said.
Me: I'm not a musical instrument, nor am I a video game so you can stop trying to play me.
Looking at a picture of my friend Marie.
Me: Why can't I look like her? I'd love to look like her. I mean, if you put Marie and me in front of Gustav and told him to choose, he'd choose her every time. *sigh* I hate my life.
Josh: We all do.
Me: You ALL hate my life?! Collectively?!
Josh was playing Unfair Mario (It's a REALLY hard version of Super Mario Bros.). It's seriously REALLY hard! I could only hear the music.
Me: Why do you keep dying so quickly?
Josh: It's REALLY hard! *shows it to me*
Me: Holy shit!!
Josh: You wanna try it?
Me: No.
Josh: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Josh: Why not?
Me: Because I'm eating a hotdog.
My cat Skylar kept chewing on the ribbons on the presents under the tree.
Mom: Skylar! Get out from under that tree!
Me: He's just looking to see if he has a present. *imitates Skylar with a kid's voice* I no see no presenz fur me! Dats ones fur Josh n dats ones fur my mommy. None of thems is spelled Skylar!
Mom: Skylar doesn't know how to spell.
Me: *imitating Skylar* I do too! My name is Skylar! Ess. *long pause* Kylar.
My mom came into my room.
Mom: Josh, look at me and focus. Your clean pajamas are on your bed. Carrie, look at me and focus. Make some tea.
Me: You never come in here and say anything nice. It's always demanding shit.
Mom: *practically yells at me* SHUT. UP! I LOVE YOU!
Mom: I'm going to Rocky Mount so you're gonna have to feed Josh.
Me: Josh is 15. He can feed himself!
This isn't so much a quote but more what I did while under the influence of Ambien. Josh had an empty carton of Milk Duds. I picked it up and played it like a wind instrument for a good 20 minutes.
Mom: Carrie? Can you find..... *long pause*
Me: The rest of your sentence?
Mom came in and the Christmas tree lights were out.
Mom:: Who turned the lights out?
Me: I dunno.
Dad: Cody. The dumb cat.
Mom: That dumb cat.
Me: *imitating Cody* Oh yeah? If I'm so damn dumb then how did I turn the Christmas tree lights off, bitches?!
Me: *peeing and singing Winter Wonderland* Sleigh bells ring. Are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening.
Josh: *opens the door and turns off the light before slamming the door shut again*
Me: I don't need a light to wipe my ass!! *comes out of the bathroom and continues singing* A beautiful sight. We're happy tonight. Walking in a winter wonderland. In the meadow we can build a snowman. And pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, "Are you married?" I'll say, "HOLY SHIT!! A TALKING SNOWMAN!!!!!"
Chris: *throwing snowballs at Josh in in rapid succession* I'm a factory! I'm a factory!
Me: I'd like to run into Gustav somewhere that's appropriate to ask him, "Will you sign the inside of my vag with your peen?"
Josh: Wow. I'm popular.
Me: That was conceited of you.
Josh: That was sarcasmic.
Both: What?!
Me: She always says the dumbest shit. She makes me wanna throw things at her.
Josh: Skittles!
Me: I'd never waste a Skittle on her.
Hangs up phone after speaking with my dad
Mom: Talking to him is like talking to a child with a high fever.
Someone was annoying me
Me: *turns and looks at Josh and sighs* Sometimes I fantasize about lighting him on fire.
Josh: Me too.
Me: If I had $8 we'd totally be going to the matinee of Harry Potter tomorrow.
Josh: I have $8. I actually have $20.
Me: You have $8 you'd be willing to spend to take us both to see Harry Potter?
Josh: *in a parental tone* Maybe.
Me: Josh, do you remember when you were 1 or 2 years old and you'd get on all fours and crawl behind me and meow like a kitten? I'd go sit down and you'd crawl into my lap and purr and rub your head against my hand and say, 'Imma kitty! Meow!'
Josh: Yes. But I'm not doing it right now just so you can feel nostalgic.
Chezmiere: What does water taste like?
Me: Fish pee.
Mom: The new Chevy Camero is gonna be topless.
Me: That whore!
Josh: *offers me a handful of Cap'n Crunch Berries*
Me: I can't have anything crunchy. I had a tooth yanked outta my face today.
Josh: They're not crunchy.
Me: Josh, I can hear you crunching and they're called CRUNCH berries.
Me: Things I've learned as I've gotten older (and things you need to know)
1. Hypocrites will take the side that's more convenient for them. I can't stand a hypocrite. Either stand up for what YOU BELIEVE or sit down and shut the fuck up.
2. If it doesn't directly affect me, I don't give a shit.
3. Call me immature all you want but I've probably shit objects with more problems than you've had in your entire life. You don't fucking know me or what I've been through in my life and you'd be surprised at my level of maturity (and sanity). Shit I've been through would fuck up your world.
4. Pardon me for enjoying sex. Just because you haven't had any good sex (or any sex at all for that matter) doesn't mean you can call me a whore.
Okay. I'm done.
Me: *points at picture and laughs*
Josh: What is that?
Me: That's when your Grandma made hush puppies and that one looked like a... um... what the fuck is it called?
Josh: o.O
Me: It lives in the sea and it looks like that. SHOE-HORSE!
Josh: *burst out laughing*
Me: No! That's not it! SEAHORSE!! That's it! What the fuck is a shoe-horse?!
*I was confusing a horseshoe crab with a seahorse*
Me: Why do you guys called Brody "Sonuva Bitch"?
Missa: Because he IS a Sonuva Bitch.
Me: He's always so loving though.
Christina: Just wait.
*They start highlighting my hair. Brody takes a flying leap off the table and lands, claws first, into my back.*
Me: SONUVA BITCH! Ooooooh, I get it now.
What I said:
Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was durch meine Adren fließt.
What Josh's phone thought I said:
Du bist alles was ich meine ratte niest.
Translation into English:
You're all I sneeze my rat.
Conversation about this picture:
Me: Josh? There's your girlfriend.
Josh: That's pretty scary.
Me: Don't say that. You'll hurt her feelings.
Josh: She's scary looking.
Me:You keep saying things like that and she'll get mad and go sleep under your bed at night.
Josh: Seriously. I hate you.
Me: If I didn't look like a scrub right now, I'd go to the store and raid their candy aisle.
Gabby: Haha, I smell like a pony!
There's a guy I know who constantly scratches his crotch in public! When he was getting married...
Mom: I don't know what to get them as a wedding gift.
Me: Jock itch cream.
Me: Have you ever seen The Ring?
Josh: No. What happens?
Me: You watch a video. After the video, you get a phone call saying you're gonna die in seven days. Seven days later, this bitch crawls out of your TV and kills you.
Josh: I wanna see that video. *looks it up online*
Me: Okay but you're gonna die in seven days.
Josh: *watches video*
Me: *slowly opens phone. presses 5 on speed dial for Josh's number. presses send*
Josh: OHMIGOD! Wait, it's you. *answers phone*
Me: *creepy voice* SEVEN DAYS!
Josh: I hate you.
Mom: *to me and Josh* Where are you going?
Me: To the store to buy some candy. Since Josh and I are too old to trick or treat, we're just gonna buy some candy. I'll go to his bedroom door and knock and he'll give me candy, then he'll come to my bedroom door and knock and I'll give him candy.
Mom: I'll knock on both of your doors to get candy.
Me: We won't be home.
I was searching all over the house for something and couldn't find it. I got frustrated.
Me: WHY DOESN'T THIS HOUSE HAVE A SEARCH BAR?!
Mom needed some invisible thread to sew up something.
Mom: I've searched everywhere for some invisible thread and I can't find any.
Me: Of course not. It's invisible!!
Me: Bill and Tom officially moved to LA last night. So many people are upset that the G's stayed in Germany.
Rissa: Why? Cuz they think the band's gonna break up?
Me: Exactly.
Rissa: It's not like they lived in the same area in Germany though. Gustav should move to this coast to hang with us lovely women.
Me: I'd love to hang with Gustav.
Rissa: I think Gustav would be awesome to hang with.
Me: I'd totally hit on Gustav.
Rissa: We'd be hanging and you'll be like, "Gustav, you have pretty eyes. What color would you call that?" And he'd be like, "Brown...?" And you'll sigh and say, "Yeah, brown."
Me: I'd just cut to the chase. "Gustav, you have gorgeous eyes! Wanna fuck?"
Mom: Some drug dealer has gone public with a story about Angelina Jolie's drug use and how he used to sell to her.
Me: He sold to her recently or used to sell to her?
Mom: Used to.
Me: So the media is eating it up and she used to do drugs, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Well, I should go public about what I know about her.
Mom: What do you know about her?
Me: She used to piss and shit all over herself. And instead of cleaning herself, she'd make someone else do it. She even wore a diaper! And she was so lazy, she'd make someone feed her ALL her meals IN A BOTTLE!
I showed Josh a picture of some candied apples that were covered in sprinkles and cherries and peanuts and chocolate.
Me: Can you just hear Bill? *imitates Bill Kaulitz* "Oh, lecker! Oh, mmmm, lecker."
Josh: Orgas-mapples!
Looking at a picture of a table full of different kinds of chocolates.
Me: Look at the little roses! *points* I bet those have peanut butter in them. *points again* I don't even know what that is and I'd eat it.
Mom: You can't really see the bling in the pictures.
Me: Did you just say 'bling'?
Mom: Yes. Why?
Me: Don't use that word. It's creepy when you use it.
Mom: Oh my God.
Me: What?
Mom: This man says that 27 rocks of cocaine that were found in his butt weren't his.
Me: Well, how the hell did they get up in there?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: I've never had anything up my ass that I didn't personally put in there myself. That narrows it down to Phenergan suppositories when I was vomiting.
Mom: *sarcastic* Maybe he went to a public bathroom and, when he wiped, 27 rocks just went up his butt.
Me: Maybe he sat... on a drug dealer's hand.
Mom: Oh! He had marijuana in there too. He admitted the marijuana was his but said the cocaine isn't.
Me: You know how it is when the cops are banging on the door and you're trying to hurry and cram things in your ass. Marijuana, TV remote, spatula and Billy Bob's cocaine...
Mom: *laughs*
Me: I just can't see me ever not knowing that something... or 27 somethings were in my ass. I've never been sitting on the toilet going, "Where the fuck did this elephant come from? I don't remember putting him up my ass!"
*Later on*
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Mom: What?
Me: He heard it was "crack cocaine" and got confused!
On Entertainment Tonight: *Justin Bieber singing*
Mom: Carrie, your boyfriend is on TV.
Me: Will you stop it! I do NOT like Justin Bieber!
Mom: He's the love of your life.
Me: You're gonna make me come in there and punch you in the uterus, aren't you?
Talking about my favorite band (Tokio Hotel) with Heather.
Me: I don't know if you've heard of them. It's a little German band called Tokyo Motel or something like that.
Heather: Ohh! Yeah! Don’t they sing something about a Typhoon?
Me: *dies laughing*
This:
Thanks to Jaqui
Josh: Life's a beach.
Me: It's salty and leaves sand in your crack?
Me: We need one of those litter boxes that has a hood on it but bigger. Like one that would fit a horse.
Josh: Carrie, that would be a stable.
Me: I haven't seen you in forever!
Josh: You saw me on Monday.
Me: That's like three days! Do you know how long three days is for me?
Josh: Uhhh... three days?
Me: No! It's three and a half years!
The laundry room is the only room in the house that gets swept (everywhere else has carpet). I sweep it twice a day because the cats' litter box is in there. I just went in there to sweep it and I couldn't find the dust pan. I looked all around the room for it.
Me: Where in the flying blue monkeys is it?
Josh: Where is what? *comes into the room*
Me: The dust pan.
Josh: *looks around the room* I dunno. *leaves the room*
Me: Where else would it be? This is the only room that gets swept.
Josh: I dunno.
Me: You didn't see it in here, right?
Josh: Right.
Me: So I'm not retarded, right?
Josh: *silence*
Me: I think it was wise of you to not answer that question.
Josh was talking (actually talking and listening to, not typing) to his girlfriend Amber online. I kept saying things to interrupt them.
Me: Bill Brontosaurus Kaulitz.
Josh: What?
Me: That's his full name.
Josh: No, it's not.
Me: Tom Triceratops Kaulitz.
Josh: SHUT UP!
Me: Drown.
Josh: Did you just tell me to go jump in a lake?
Me: Kind of. I really just want you to drown. Here. *picks up the glass I was drinking from that was still partly filled with tea* Drown in this.
I was at the store getting some mini-marshmallows for my mom. I went on the aisle with the marshmallows and there was a guy stocking the shelf across from me.
Stock guy: *singing* Chicken, chicken, chiiiiiiiiicken. I love me some chiiiiiicken.
Me: *smiles at his song and bends down to get the marshmallows*
Stock guy: Hey!
Me: Me?
Stock guy: Yeah!
Me: Yeah?
Stock guy: Do you like chicken?
Me: *hesitates* Um. Yeah.
Stock guy: Meeeeeee too! *goes back to stocking and singing* Chicken, chicken, chiiiiiiiicken...
While on the phone with my ex-roommate.
Peter: Did I tell you my grandfather finally fucking died? Yeah, I'm pretty excited about that.
Me: I didn't sleep well last night.
Mom: Why?
Me: I just lay in bed awake thinking about what a failure I am.
Mom: That's stupid.
Me: Oh, so now I'm a failure AND I'm stupid?
Mom: Why don't you fry up a chicken?
Me: Have you ever tasted my fried chicken?
Mom: No.
Me: That's because I don't fry chicken.
Mom: What will you do when I'm gone?
Me: Go to KFC.
I went to the dentist and there were two inmates from the jail in there with a deputy. One was loopy from the meds the dentist gave him.
Loopy inmate: *to deputy* Do you like Ford or Chevy?
Deputy: It doesn't matter to me.
Loopy inmate: *to other inmate* Do you like Ford or Chevy?
Other inmate: I don't care.
Loopy inmate: *to me* Do you like Ford or Chevy.
Me: Ford.
Loopy inmate: Why?
Me: What type of car was the officer driving that arrested you?
Me: Eddy, wake up.
Eddy: No.
Me: Why?
Eddy: The cookout's coming.
Me: Oh really? We're having a cookout?
Eddy: National Treasures.
Me: EDDY! Wake up!
Eddy: *opens his eyes* I hate you right now.
Me: You can kill me later.
Eddy: I'm gonna put you in the microwave.
Me: I won't fit.
Eddy: I'd put you in there one piece at a time.
Jared: *on my voice mail* I know this is gonna sound weird but I got this number from a bathroom stall with a message next to it saying, 'For a good time call.' I'm not sure what that means but give me a call back and we'll hammer out the details.
Me: *in a text back to him* I told Peter to stop using my number for his business calls!
*cell rings*
Me: Hello?
Woman: Tracy?
Me: No. Carrie. Wrong number.
Woman: Sorry about that.
Me: No problem. *hangs up*
*cell rings*
Me: Hello?
Woman: Is this Tracy Russ?
Me: No. I'm still Carrie. Wrong number again.
Woman: Sorry about that.
Me: No problem. *hangs up*
*cell rings*
Me: No matter how many times you call, I'm STILL not gonna be Tracy Russ.
Woman: *hangs up*
A friend called saying he was going out of town and would be going to the town where his ex now lives. We talked about what he would do if he saw his ex. He called me on his way back home.
Jared: Oh my God, Carrie. You will not believe what I did.
Me: Tom?
Jared: *pauses* Yeah. Pretty much.
Mom: I'm hungry.
Me: *picks up the cat* Here. Eat this.
Mom: I saw Kevin at the store today.
Me: Was he on fire?
Mom: No.
Me: Then I don't care.
A friend and I were discussing the movie Titanic II.
Me: Please tell me this is a joke.
Julie: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GET ON A SHIP CALLED TITANIC II?
Me: I'm afraid of water so I wouldn't get on a ship period but, my water fear aside, after the Titanic I wouldn't want to get on a boat called "Gigantic" or "Enormous" or "Huge" or "This boat's kinda big!"
I couldn't find my art supplies and was determined someone stole them during my last move.
Me: I would draw but I don't have any of my supplies.
Josh: Yes, you do. They're in the closet.
Me: No, they're not.
Josh: Yes, they are. *goes to look*
Me: If you pull art supplies out of that closet, I'll slap your grandma.
Josh: *pulls out 3 sketch pads and tracing paper*
Me: Mom! C'mere a minute.
JoeJoe and I lived in Jacksonville, Florida for a while. During the summer it was really hot and sunny but EVERY afternoon, we'd have a horrible thunderstorm and then the weather would be sunny and hot again. We were on our way home from Neptune Beach and the sky was really sunny to our left and PITCH BLACK on the right.
JoeJoe: *singing the Christmas carol* Silent night. Holy ... SHIT, IT'S DARK OVER THERE!
Eddy: I'm as furry as a bird.
Keep in mind that Eddy is in his late 20's and was born and raised in the USA.
Eddy: So is Obama the President of the United States or just North Carolina? What? No really? Like, what states does he have?
Our satellite started acting wonky.
Mom: Josh, hold the satellite button and count to ten. Like, one... two... three...
Josh: I know how to count.
Mom: Okay. Do it.
Josh: One... eleven... chicken... purple...
Me: Josh, go to bed.
Josh: In a minute.
Me: No. Now.
Josh: I will in a minute.
Me: Could you not piss me off right now? I have nothing black to wear to your funeral and I'm running out of places to bury the bodies.
Me: *talking to my mom* I had a dream last night that you cut my hair with a bag of marbles. My hair changed textures and I had to use Nubian products in it but I didn't know what to use. I called Eddy to get him to help me. He lived at the park but was being kicked off the swings for smoking weed. We got in my car and smoked a blunt and then went to church and ate some giant donuts.
Mom: What kind of donuts?
Me: So this guy got caught in the airport trying to smuggle eighteen Titi Monkeys in his pants! How can anyone fit 18 monkeys in their pants and still walk casually through the airport?
Mom: I dunno.
Me: *goes to tell Josh the monkey story*
Mom: I think I've figured it out. If he got some cotton batting and put pockets into it, he could put that into his pants like a lining and fit the monkeys into the pockets.
Me: You actually thought this out? What was he gonna do with the monkeys anyway? Can you imagine standing next to this guy and his crotch starts going, "Ou ou ou ah ah!" Is that a monkey in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
There was a Tokio Hotel video of Bill and Tom Kaulitz test driving the new Audi A1. In the video Bill yells, "Guck ruhig, süße!" to an elderly lady walking down the street. Tom later posted on his blog that the elderly lady was Bill's new girlfriend.
Elyse: The lyrics to Bill's next song will be, "Your breath, a Polygrip laced wind. Your hair, the color of clouds on a rainy day. Your skin, the feel of leather with the perfume of Bengay. Your smile, so mesmerizing with or without your dentures. I smell the light intoxicating scent of mothballs on the empty Posturepedic pillow next to me..."
Me: *to my mom while watching the western Cheyenne* You know how Cheyenne Bodie wins the fight every time and always has a smart ass comment to say before he walks out? I'm waiting for the episode when he says something stupid. *BANG* Bodie walks toward the door. He stops. He turns and looks at the bad guy and says, "Skittley Doo!!!" And he skips out of the saloon.
Claire: I love Claire when she's drunk!
Claire: SUPERGLUE! *does a model pose*
Claire: *drops her cigarette on the balcony* OOPS! OOPS! OOPS!
A gentleman our family knows was very very sick. The hospital called the family to pay their last respects SEVERAL times and he'd pull through and go back home just fine.
Mom: {Gentleman's name removed}'s funeral is tomorrow.
Me: So I take it he died.
Mom: I would hope so.
Me: You never know. They called the family to the hospital so many times they could have just gotten tired of him recovering and are gonna just dump him in a hole in the ground. "Be quiet, Daddy, and lay still while we shovel this dirt on you."
Mom: You're going to hell.
Me: *talking to my mom* You're going to hell for that.
Dad: Going to hell in a hand basket.
Me: Nah, she's not even getting a hand basket. That was so wrong they're just gonna throw her ass in there.
We always have a Friends and Family Day at church. One man stood up and announced Wednesday night that he gonna pray that his entire family would be in church Sunday.
Mom: {Man's name removed} died last night.
Me: Wow. God answers prayers in the strangest ways.
Mom: How so?
Me: Well, {Man's name removed} was praying that his entire family would be in church on Sunday. They will be but it won't be for Friends and Family Day... it'll be for his funeral.
Chris P: Girl, pyom!
Rod: Sheeky llama, llama, llama! Yo! Imma get the Lion King back! Yo! Mufasa ain't dead!
Jermain: Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!
Rod: He ain't dead! He ain't got trampled by dem deers! He was tryin-a catch em! And he caught up, you know? 'Cause they got caught up in the action! They said, "Argh!" *climbs on Jermain's back* Mufasa on him! He in his mind! He all up in the wiring!
Rod: It's gonna be like green apples and sour eggs. NO! Sam I Am! I don't like green eggs and ham! No, Sam I Am! You know green eggs and ham?
Me: Mm hmm.
Rod: Sam I Am didn't like em. I don't like em in a box. I don't like em with a fox. I don't like green eggs and ham. I don't like em, Sam I Am! *falls backwards into the trashcan*
Me: Hey! You. Wait. You can't. It's not. Okay.
Rod: Who is she? She said I can't do nuthin.
Jermain: That's because she lives here. *points to the bottle of Vodka Rod was about to take a swallow from* And that's not yours, Boo-boo.
Rod: Can't stop me!
Rod: It's the yellow and gray man! YELLOW AND GRAY!
Rod: And I'm Monifah. Uh-huh. And *clap, clap, clap* You know. I got this wristband. Uh-huh. On my arm. And- And Great American. Yep. And I drink...
Me: Too much.
Peter: Error.
Ricky: It sounds like something you'd say after bad sex. Error! Delete! Control Alt Delete! End task! Hurry!!
Me: Happy Valentine's Day!
Matt G: Happy muthafuckin' Valentine's Day to you too, bitch!
Me: Oh! I got a "muthafuckin'" and a "bitch!"
Matt G: You know you like this dick!
Me: *after hearing Peter talk for an exceptionally long time during a movie* Peter, honey, you're talking in the TV room again. Shh.
Matt G: *talking to Charlie* I've farted on Hannah. I've farted on Carrie. You're next.
Matt G: I'm thinking I'm taking a nap before my aunt gets here.
Me: Okay. Have nice nappy dreams!
Matt G: *bursts out laughing* Have a nubian night!
Me: *calmly as I notice Hannah's not slowing down for a pedestrian* So, Hannah. Were you gonna hit that guy right there?
Matt P: It tastes like a laser!!
Me: What is wrong with my phone?! Why does it keep doing that?!
Jared: It has AIDS.
Erin: Would that be hearing aids?
Peter: And I'm the drunk dumbass who would shit my shoes!
Me: Holy hell, Phillip! That's a shit ton of booze you got there!
Phillip: I'm the Santa Claus of alcohol!
Jared: You never hear of someone dying from just one AID. It's where there's a whole lot of them.
I locked my keys in my car and my only spare was 45 minutes away with my mom and dad. Jared was downstairs trying to break into my car while I was upstairs on the phone.
Jared: *walks in and hands me a piece of paper* Here. You're now Jacqueline Early. Call Triple A and give them this number. They'll come and unlock your car for you.
Me: *looks at paper and back at Jared* Where'd you get this?
Jared: Don't worry about it. Just call.
Me: Mom, all my friends are gay. They could dress my car and make it look pretty but breaking into my car would pose a problem for them.
Peter: Too much Martha Stewart and not enough OJ Simpson.
Hannah: And God was with us!
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Hannah: Why are you laughing? I don't understand. I'm stating facts here!
Matt P: *while sitting at a red light on New Year's Eve* Five! Four! Three! Two! One! HAPPY GREEN LIGHT!
Hannah: What'd he say earlier? Sour pussy?
Me: No! Sour milk!
Matt P: *listening to a guy sing karaoke* It takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.
Hannah: I'm glad we're friends, Carrie. I love you. You're delicate.
Me: You have a Ben & Jerry's here?
Hannah: Yeah! We can go there afterwards and get an ice cream.
A guy suddenly cuts me off and I almost hit him.
Hannah: *still talking to me about the ice cream but also yelling at the guy who cut me off* YOU WANNA SHARE ONE, BITCH?!
Me: My head has a mind of its own.
Matt G: *in a text to me DURING his college graduation* Are you here? And if so, isn't this all a big crock of shit? Just gimme the fake piece of paper and lemme go. I dare you to stand up and yell, "I LIKE RAPE!"
Me: *back to him* When they call out your name and you walk across the stage I'm gonna scream, "THAT'S MY BABY DADDY!"
There was a loud falling noise outside my apartment
Hannah: Some bitch just fell down the stairs.
My niece asked me how to break up with her boyfriend.
Me: Tell him, "Yesterday I took a shit. It reminded me of you. Fuck off."
Josh: Her hair is freaking three colors!
Me: Her hair can fart in three colors? What?!
Josh: You need a hearing aid.
News Reporter: ... and people are dying from the heat *shows a picture of a beach with people laying out*
Me: Is that how the dead are being disposed now? They put them in bikinis and swim trunks and lay them out in the sun?
Mom: I guess so.
Me: I guess they want the cemeteries to look more festive.
*Josh and I were smelling colognes and perfumes at Walmart*
Me: Ugh! This one smells like a fart!
Josh: *bursts out laughing*
Me: Did you just fart?!
Josh: *laughs harder and nods*
Me: We're definitely not bottling THAT scent!
Me: *hears hammering coming from the living room* What are you doing in there?
Mom: Hammering your Daddy's head.
Me: Was it falling off?
Mom: Yeah. He's so hard-headed. *hammering continues*
Me: Ewwwww! I hate Meatloaf. The singer, not the edible meatloaf. Although Meatloaf the singer is, in fact, edible in some places. I wonder if he tastes like meatloaf.
A commercial for alpaca farms came on TV.
Me: *gasps* MOM! Let's start an alpaca farm in the backyard!
Mom: No.
Me: But why? Look at that couple. Don't they look happy with their alpacas?
Mom: No.
Me: It's a lucritive business!
Mom: No.
Me: Okay, but don't be alarmed if the UPS man drops off some alpacas in the next few days. I think I'll order 10 to start off with.
Mom: If the UPS man delivers alpacas to the house, I'm kicking you AND the alpacas out.
Me: You're always killin' my dreams!
Later in a conversation about my alpaca farm:
Kala: I saw a commercial like that once, and the people were all happy with their alpacas.
Me: I wanna be happy with alpacas.
Kala: You should be allowed to be happy with some alpacas.
Laura-Ann: What if I sent you an alpaca, will she still kick you out?
Me: We could try it. She can't kick an innocent alpaca out in the cold... or heat of North Carolina. That's just cruelty! Or maybe I can pass him off as my boyfriend and see if we can establish a relationship between them and, before long, they'll be shopping together and getting pedicures.....
My mom fell in the shower a few weeks ago and broke her clavicle and tore her rotator cuff. Her arm is in a sling.
Dad: Are you gonna go?
Mom: Yeah. I'm gonna jump in the shower...
Me: That's your problem! Stop jumping in the shower! You'll slip and fall again!
Mom: Will you pumice my feet and do my toenails?
Me: Sure. *I get the stuff ready and go to sit on the floor*
Mom: You're gonna sit on the floor?
Me: How else was I gonna reach your feet? Were you gonna levitate?
Mom: *flips me the bird*
Me: What the hell?!
Mom: I cut all my nails and forgot this one.
Me: *flips her the bird* I didn't cut my nails. I just wanted to give you the finger.
Josh and I were involved in a conversation. My mom suddenly tried to butt in.
Mom: What?
Josh: Just eat your pizza.
Me: Shut down!!!!
It's over 90° outside. The heat index is over 100°
Me: I want a Filet O' Fish from McDonald's but it's too hot to go get one.
Mom: Money is tight. I can't afford it.
Me: I wasn't asking for money. I have money.
Mom: And your Daddy isn't gonna come all the way back here and go back out.
Me: What?
Mom: Your Daddy isn't gonna want to come home to get money and go back across town to McDonald's.
Me: What are you talking about?!
Mom: What are you talking about?
Me: Are you not following the conversation? I want to go to McDonald's and get a Filet O' Fish with my own money but it's too damn hot to get in my car to drive across town with no air conditioning JUST to get a sandwich!
Mom: Oh.
Me: You have problems focusing.
Mom: What?
Me: NEVER MIND!!!
Me: Phillip! Look! It's the Nightmare Factory!
Phillip: I wanna go there this Halloween.
Me: What do they have there?
Phillip: Upstairs is like a haunted house and downstairs is a dark maze.
Peter: *wakes up* What about a line of babies?
Peter: *while dead asleep in the backseat on the way to the beach* BOOP!
Josh: Connor wasn't in class today. I think she may have failed the first test.
Mom: I wonder why.
Me: It's kinda hard to suck a dick and roll your R's at the same time.
Peter: In boot camp we couldn't smoke or drink or even look at a girl.
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Peter: Shut up.
Peter: The Navy is ranked number 1 in STDs.
Me: Wow. You guys are just handin' 'em out like candy, huh?
Peter: What's yo flay-vuh? Let's make it clap!
Peter: We were showering and apparently we were being too loud because the Corpman came in and made us all drop and do 50 push-ups.
Me: In the shower?!
Peter: Yes! It was a sea of naked asses!
Josh: GOD!
Me: WHAT?! I'M BUSY!!
Josh: GOD!
Me: I'm going by Carrie today, thank you.
A car was coming into my lane almost hitting me when Josh and I were driving home from Raleigh.
Me: SHITTIN BRICKS ON A SUNDAY!!!!! *honks horn and the car goes back into its lane*
Josh: Shitting bricks on a Sunday?
Me: It's the first thing that came to mind. I panicked.
Looking at a picture of his ex
Josh: In that picture I swear she looks Mexican.
Me: I was thinking retarded.
Josh: Make sure my guitar doesn't fall.
Me: Yes, because I'm in charge of gravity tonight.
Me: I have to fart. *farts*
Josh: *laughs*
Me: Smells like broccoli.
Josh: What?
Me: That's my first single off my new album. "Smells Like Broccoli" off the album entitled "Butt Trumpet."
Josh: *fakes German accent* We're here with Tokio Hotel and Carrie Thompson as we're about to debut Carrie's first single "Smells Like Broccoli." *makes fart noise* The audience is going wild. Let's see what Tokio Hotel thinks about the new single.
Me: Tom has fallen over and fainted from the smell.
Josh: And Georg is vomiting.
Me: On Gustav.
Josh: Bill seems to have run from the room screaming like a girl. Carrie, what was your inspiration for this song?
Me: The song title was inspired by the late great Kurt Cobain and his song "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Josh: Do you play any other instruments besides the Butt Trumpet?
Me: Yes, I also play the Butt Flute, the Butt Cheek Bongos and the Mouth Fart.
Josh: Would you eventually like to collaborate with any artists?
Me: I'd love to collaborate with Tokio Hotel as soon as Tom becomes conscious and Georg stops vomiting.
I thought I heard thunder.
Me: *pauses iPod* Did I just hear thund-
THUNDER RUMBLES LOUDLY
Me: Nevermind.
Me: *singing Durch den Monsun while on hold* ... bis kein Regen mehr fällt
Phillip: *comes back from his other call* Are you singing about a vet?
Me: No. The word is 'fällt.' It means 'falls' in German.
Phillip: It sounds like vet.
Me: No it's 'fällt.' With an F. F A L L T. And the A has an umlaut over it.
Phillip: An omelet?
Me: Yes, Phillip. German people love eggs so much that they put them over their vowels.
Josh: How would that work?
Me: All Germans carry a pouch of scrambled eggs with them and every time they say a word with an umlaut they toss a handful of eggs in the air.
Ricky: I'm sunburnt and I'm on my way to Red Lobster.
Phillip: To be their mascot?
Mom: I heard Viagra causes hearing loss.
Me: What?
Jessie: *while hugging me and then sniffing me* Oh my God, you smell so good! You smell like *sniffs deeply* laundry detergent and happiness!
Me: Phillip, it's been real but Imma dip.
Phillip: You're leaving?!
Me: Yeah.
Phillip: *pokes my left breast* No! *grabs my right breast* You can't go!
Me: Me or my breasts?
Phillip: All of you.
Me: Did you bring anything back for your loving daughter?
Mom: I don't have a loving daughter.
Me: I'm your loving daughter.
Mom: Earlier when I told you not to put the box on the washing machine you said, "Where the hell should I put it then?!" You call that loving?
Me: But I said it in a loving voice. *batts eyelashes*
Bo: I think one of the elements is burnt out in your hot water heater.
Mom: So what does that mean?
Bo: You're gonna need another one soon. When you get the new one, I'll go with you. You're gonna need a low boy.
Mom: What's a low boy?
Bo: It's a hot water heater that's short and fat. Kinda like Carrie.
My mom's a diabetic and has to give herself a shot of insulin every morning.
Mom: *takes out alcohol swab and swabs a small place on her leg, then swabs her forehead.*
Me: I hope you're not planning to shoot yourself in the forehead.
Mom: No. My leg. My forehead was just greasy.
Eddy: I misunderheard you.
Me: You what me?
Eddy: It's a word!
While trying to guess Kendra's birthday.
Justin: You were born in the summer.
Kendra: No. Wrong season.
Justin: You were born in the fall.
Kendra: No. Wrong again.
Justin: You were born in the winter.
Kendra: Yes.
Justin: March?
Me: Justin, March isn't in the winter.
Justin: Oh. So January?
Kendra: No.
Justin: February?
Kendra: Yes!
Justin: February 13th?
Kendra: No. It's on a holiday.
Justin: February 25th.
Me: Since when is February 25th a holiday?
Justin: Is it February 31st?
Me: That's not even a date on the calendar!
My mom sent me to the store today to get cooking oil. I got to the aisle with the oil but didn't know if she wanted Vegetable Oil or Canola Oil so I called her.
Me: What kind of oil do you want? Vegetable or Canola?
Mom: Are you on the aisle with the oil?
Me: No. I'm in Spain. The weather's nice here.
Mom: Call Josh and see where he is.
Me: *goes out on the porch and calls Josh on my cell*
Josh: Hallo?
Me: Wo bist du?
Josh: Miss Estella's.
Me: Wo?
Josh: Next door. *steps out their front door and I see him*
Me: Oh. Okay. Carry on then. Tschüss.
Josh: Tschüss!
Me: *walks back in the house* He's next door.
Mom: I didn't see him.
Me: Because he's inside.
Mom: He shouldn't go inside their house.
Me: They invited him in.
Mom: But he shouldn't have gone in.
Me: What should he have done? Made the sign of the crucifix an backed away hissing?
Me: We should make funnel cakes tonight.
Mom: No.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because my throat hurts.
Me: You don't gargle them.
Mom: My feet hurt.
Me: You don't make them with your feet either. What kind of funnel cakes have you been eating that you'd used your throat and feet to make them?
Mom: I don't think we have the ingredients to make them.
Me: You got some funnel cake mix for Christmas.
Mom: Read the can. What does it say to do?
Me: It says: "Mix me with some shit and put me in some oil, bitch!"
Mom: It does not!
Hannah: Why are you learning German? You should learn Korean so we can talk to one another.
Me: Hannah, we're talking to one another now in English. Plus German has actual letters so I just have to learn the words and what they mean. With Korean, I'd have to learn symbols. I don't speak in squiggly lines.
I was telling my mom and dad about Tom Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel getting egged on stage.
Mom: Who is Tom?
Me: He's the guitarist for Tokio Hotel.
Mom: The bassist?
Me: No, the bassist is Georg. The singer is Bill and the drummer is Gustav.
Dad: Goose-dog?
Me: Yes, Goose-dog. His father was a dog and his mother was a goose.
Josh: I don't understand a line from Macy's Day Parade.
Me: Which one?
Josh: Red light special at the mausoleum.
Mom: At the mausoleum?!
Me: Someone's into necrophilia!
Me: I wanted to stab him in the jugular and make him drink his own blood.
Josh: Whoa. That'd be kinda hard to do.
Me: Not if you have a bendy straw!
My mom was watching a cowboy movie. As cowboys were charging at the indians, one of the men had a bugle and played the "Charge!" song repeatedly.
Me: Who is blowing that horn?
Mom: One of the cowboys.
Me: They need to die!
Mom: I guess they played it over and over to make the indians afraid.
Me: No, it'd just piss them off! It's pissing me off!!
I went into the kitchen to get a napkin to wipe a smudge off my glasses.
Mom: *yelling from the living room, thinking I was eating something* Don't eat that! We'll be having dinner in a few minutes.
Me: Don't worry, I won't. I don't like the flavor of napkins you bought.
My Mom was cleaning under a cabinet. She picked something up and some marbles rolled out across the floor
Me: You've lost your marbles.
My mom goes into the laundry room and comes out with a screwdriver.
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: Screwing.
My mom was watching a Christian group sing on TV. She muted it during the commercial.
Me: Hey, mom? Do you know a Bonnie Smith?
Mom: Yeah, why?
Me: She added me to Facebook. I don't think I know her.
Mom: Don't add her. She's crazy. You don't want to *accidentally unmutes the TV so all I can hear is the Christian group singing*
Me: So I shouldn't sing Christian music to her? Is that what sets her off?
Mom: *laughs* Yeah. You don't want to sing to her.
Me: How about heavy metal? How does she feel about that?
Josh: What does the color black mean?
Me: Schwarz.
Josh: WHAT?!
Me: Schwarz. It means "black" in German.
Josh: Oh. I thought you said, "Sharts."
Josh: It's not food. It's a milkshake.
Me: *takes a swallow and chews on it* I chewed it so it's food now.
Josh: Bless you.
Me: Huh?!
Josh: "Achoo'd" it. Get it?
Patsy: You know, my ex-husband drank my breast milk.
Me: He WHAT?!
Patsy: He drank my breast milk. He told me that since I wasn't going to breast feed the baby, he had to suck the milk duds out of my breasts.
Me: Okay, first of all if you stimulate the breast, it will continue to produce milk. Second, Milk Duds are a candy that I'm sure don't come from the breasts.
Patsy: Are you sure?
Me: I sure as hell hope so or I'm not eating Milk Duds anymore!
Me: I don't mean to complain but these potatoes taste off.
Patsy: They were rotten but I figured if I cooked them it would cook the rot out of them.
Me: Did you seriously just serve me rotten potatoes?
Patsy: You called a 1-800 number?!
Me: Yeah, why?
Patsy: If you call a 1-800 number your name gets put in a computer to get the Mark of the Beast!!!
Me: Where do you get this stuff?!
On a Saturday afternoon
Me: *opens her cabinet to find something to eat. Grabs a box of Poptarts*
Patsy: You can't eat that until Wednesday.
Me: Why Wednesday?
Patsy: When I buy groceries on Friday they can't be eaten until Wednesday.
Me: What do you eat between Friday and Wednesday?
Patsy: The food I bought last Friday.
Me: I'm going home where the food isn't limited to a certain day of the week.
Mom: *answers the phone* Hello? *pause* I don't need a clown.
*My mom and I arguing over Josh having dreams of being a star*
Me: He wants to be famous. What's wrong with that? Even if it never happens at least the boy can dream!
Mom: It's obsession.
Me: Obsession? How so?
Mom: It's just unrealistic.
Me: Don't crush his dream! Shit, if you EVER had a dream we wouldn't crush it.
Mom: I DO have a dream!
Me: Enlighten me.
Mom: I want to be a ballerina!
Me: I feel so sorry for your toes.
Mom: *sitting on the couch feeling around her* I keep feeling something wet. Carrie, are you peeing on the couch?
Me: No, I'm spitting at you while you're not looking.
Me: Here's your stupid laptop.
Mom: Why is it stupid?
Me: Because it's yours and not mine. If it were mine it'd be the awesomely amazing laptop.
Mom: *to Josh* A woman at church came up to me last Sunday and said I have a very handsome grandson.
Me: She must have dementia.
Mom: No, she's blind.
Josh: Thanks, guys.
Me: *to Josh* Your Grandma put volumizing shampoo in the shower for you. Apparently she thinks your hair is too quiet.
Keep in mind I'm allergic to lettuce.
Mom: There's rice in my taco salad. They've never put it in there before.
Dad: Yes they have.
Me: I always order mine with no beans and no rice. And no lettuce.
Mom: There'd be nothing left.
Me: And extra meat. A meat salad.
In the car with my mom. I'm driving her car and I'm not used to her accelerator. It's VERY touchy unlike my car. We stop at a stop light.
Mom: I wish you'd stop jerking off.
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: When we get to a stoplight and the light turns green, you make the car jerk when you press the accelerator.
Me: Okay. That makes sense. Don't say 'jerking off' again because I don't think you know what it means.
My mom NEVER swears. We were talking about how fat my cat Skylar is.
Mom: We should get him a harness with a leash and take him for walks.
Me: Take him for drags would be more like it. Where would we get a harness and leash from?
Mom: The shit shop.
Me: *bursts out laughing and can't stop*
Mom: What are you laughing at?
Me: You said 'shit shop!'
Mom: I meant pet shop!
Me: They're definitely not the same thing!
Josh: You have blue paint on your arm there *points to my arm*
Me: *Looks at paint* Hmm, that's a bother. *points to loose skin covering my elbow* That's my wenis.
Josh: *bursts out laughing*
Mom: CARRIE! Don't talk like that around him!
Me: All I said was 'wenis' and pointed out one of mine.
Mom: How many do you have?
Me: Two. So do you.
Mom: No I don't!!
Me: They're the loose skin that covers your elbow. They're wenises or wenii. I'm not sure how to pronounce the plural form.
Josh: * literally falls off the couch laughing*
Mom: Did you eat the last piece of bread?
Me: Bill told me I could have it.
Mom: Oh
Two hours later ...
Mom: Who is Bill?
Missa: I have to wait until my shirt is clean before I can make my point.
Mom: Can you get me an 800 millimeter ibuprofen?
Me: There's a polyp blocking my right fallopean tube.
Hannah: A pile up of what?
Me: So what was wrong with your parents' car?
Hannah: Captain G said there was translucent fluid on the engine ...
Matt G: I said 'transmission fluid,' you dumb bitch!
Kyle: I'm not a homophobe. I'm not afraid of gays. I just hate them all. That would make me a gay-cist.
Matt G: Click tools and unblock cock.
Me: Is this blue or purple?
Phillip: It's burple.
Phillip: I like rabbits. *makes airquotes*
Kyle: I like buns but I shop at a different bakery!
Tom: You're Daddy's little extension of evil!!
Tom: Yo, 911? We got a tall nigga in a leotard on our roof.
Me: You're not a lesbian and I'm not a lesbian so if we sleep together it wouldn't be a 69 but more like an 11.
Me: Egg flower soup? I didn't know eggs had flowers.
Phillip: Yeah, when you plant them they grow eggplants.
Phillip: They're called boobaloos.
Me: Sounds like a breast.
Phillip: I like your boobaloobies.
Hannah: I could never fall for a midget.
Me: I could never fall for a midget either but I could fall over one.
Jared: Is that your bottle of lube?
Me: ... Sucker.
Phillip: Suck her? I don't even know her!
Wings Over: B as in boy?
Me: Tell her, "G as in goat."
Phillip: G as in guy.
Me: G as in gonorrhea.
Charlie: G as in "Get it right, bitch!"
Kristen: You know I have an older brother. You met his door.
Charlie: I would have beat her!
Me: She's retarded.
Charlie: It just means you'd have to beat her longer.
Phillip: I don't know Carrie's address.
Me: I do!!
Hannah: Tell Carrie the story Matt shitting in your shoes.
Me: What?!
Eric J: Yeah. I put a stink bomb in Matt's luggage so everything he brought with him smelled like shit! He got so pissed at me, he shit in my shoes.
Me: I have never been so angry that I was like, "You know what muthafucka?!" *mimicks pulling down my pants*
A woman cut me and Hannah off in traffic.
Me: *rolls down window and yells* Gimme your shoes! I need to shit in your shoes right now!!!!
Hannah: He's definitely not at our bunlevel!
Josh: My left nose won't stop running.
Mom: So how are things in The Land Of Misfit Toys?
Phillip: I lost my face.
Me: No, I'm pretty sure your face is still attached.
Phillip: I lost my face and I fell on my vest.
Phillip: Slumber party!!
Me: If you have aids in your eyes, is it called visual aids?
Phillip: There's seamonkies floating in the bottom of my drink.
Me: *spits drink all over Phillip, Matt, Charlie & the kitchen*
Charlie: My imaginary friend with benefits.
Matt G: It's not a circle because then it'd be two dimensional. So I came in a sock ...
Phillip: My phone is beeping at me.
Me: Go plug it up.
Phillip: I don't give in to peer pressure.
Hannah: Why are the horses outside in the rain?
Matt P: They're waterproof.
Me: Q-U-O-R-N.
Matt G: Use it in a sentence!
Me: I'm allergic to quorn!
Matt G: I need that.
Hannah: *kicks it out of the car anyway*
Me: I ordered chinese food an hour ago and it's still not here!
Mom: China's a long ways away. It's gonna take a while for it to get there.
Mike: Ouch! Josh I just broke your guitar.
Josh: If you broke my guitar ...
Mike: I broke it. Didn't you hear it say, "Ouch!"
Mike: I'm gonna end every sentence with "dot com." *pauses* Dot com.
Me: So would a hispanic hermaphrodite be called a shim-y-chonga?
Me: If the muffin man was gay, would he be a muffin top?
Peter: I'm afraid of fictitious werewolves.
Me: As opposed to real werewolves?
Peter: Yeah.
Me: Peter, all werewolves are fictitious.
Hannah: Are you banana? Yes!
Hannah: Is it closed?
Me: No, the building's just sideways.
Hannah: How old is she? Oh, she's 32.
Mom: I remember him being sloppy and dirty.
Me: I'm assuming the years haven't done much for him either. His family's the type of family that would have chickens. I don't mean like chillin in the backyard in a coop but more like, cruisin across the kitchen table while you're eating your Nascar-O's ... or whatever rednecks eat. "The chicken's done shit in my cereal, ma!" Well, scoop it up with yer spoon, fling it at your Gram-ma to wake the bitch up and finish eatin, we're late for the tractor pull!
Me: He's a redneck. I'm serious. I honestly think he bleeds flannel.
Me: You'd put a condom on a zucchini?
Mike: I don't want any STD's.
Me: Well, it all depends on how sexually active the zucchini is.
James F: We were all holding a piece of him.
Hannah: Feel my muscle!
Matt P: No.
Hannah: Feel it before it goes away!!
Matt P: It's gonna go away? Poof! There it goes!!
I stood up too quickly and my blood pressure dropped. I momentarily couldn't hear, got dizzy and grabbed the back of the couch to steady myself.
Mom: What's wrong? Are you okay?
Me: I just went blind in both my ears!
Me: So can I trust you?
Mike: Can a goldfish climb a tree?
Me: No.
Mike: It could if it were under water.
Me: So I should drown you before I tell you?
Me: Did you see that doctor we just passed? He was hot!
Mom: He's probably a dog.
Me: Then we'll just do it doggie style.
Keren: Why do Christians say "Amen" after they pray?
Me: It means "So be it."
Keren: But why say it?
Me: It's pretty much the Christian form of saying "Word."
Me: My email address wants to kill off my brother. I just got a spam email that said, "Want to get rid of your landlord?"
A dog barked right outside my window.
Dad: Carrie, quit barking!
Me: Sorry. I got excited.
While I was walking past the TV...
What I heard: Are you tired of stabbing your neighbors?
Me: What?! What did she say? Are you tired of stabbing your...?
Mom: Fingers.
Me: Oh! She caught my interest at neighbors, I'm not interested in stabbing my fingers.
Mom: So you want to stab our neighbors?
Me: *shrugs* Sometimes.
Toby: This rooster has been doodling cockas for 4 hours!
A conversation with my doctor.
Vigg: *walks in* You look morose.
Me: Bored is the correct word.
Vigg: Bored?! Why?
Me: *motions toward the wall* I can only read that poster about prostate cancer so many times before it gets boring, Vigg!
Vigg: What do you suggest I do to liven this place up?
Me: Get a clown?
Vigg: That's what I have you for, my dear!
Me: Oooh, Vigg's got jokes!
Mom: I'm gonna run away from home and find a family that actually likes me.
Me: Good luck with that!
Josh offered me some Honey Mustard Pringles.
Me: *takes 3*
Josh: Smell 'em and tell me what they smell like.
Me: *sniffs chips* Potato chips.
Josh: *laughs* Fuck you!
Me: For me to be jealous of you would mean I'd have to want to be like you. To put it lightly, I'd rather be like Hitler.
What would happen if I met Gustav Schäfer...
Gustav: Hi, what's your name?
Me: Drums.
Gustav: Your name is Drums?
Me: Uh-huh. I had my name officially changed to Drums just for this occasion.
Gustav: Why?
Me: I heard you like to bang drums. *eyebrow waggle*
Josh: *laughs*
Me: You just spit all over my arm
Josh: That's not spit.
Me: *whines* Mooom, Josh just snotted on my arm!
Mom: How'd it go?
Me: If you think of it in terms of a doctor's appointment, it was normal, but I think of it more as a really good first date. He came in, introduced himself, and immediately started talking about my vagina. He told me to get naked and draped a napkin over me. He played with my tits for a while, then fingered me and used some toys. When he was done, he shook my hand, said it was a pleasure meeting me, and left. The plus side is that we have a second date, this time next year. The downside is that he didn't even buy me dinner.
Mom was on the phone with my sister and I heard her say my name.
Me: What'd you say about me?
Mom: You went to see that naked movie.
Me: What?
Mom: The one with the strippers.
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Mom: If I had gone to that movie, I'd have had to sit with my hand over my eyes. I don't want to see naked men.
Me: That was the only redeeming quality about that movie. I'd have been bored to death had it not been for the occasional naked man.
Mom: I don't do naked men.
Me: Then I don't think I want to know how I came to be.
How I see math word problems...
Teacher: If you have 4 pencils and I have seven apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Me: Uhhh... 42?
Teacher: No, the answer is purple because aliens don't wear hats.
Me: o.O *twitch*
Mom: Where'd you get pizza from?
Josh and I: *in unison* Pizza Hut.
Mom: No, I meant how did you pay for it.
Josh and I: *in unison* Money.
Mom: UGH!!!
My mom and I were arguing over her giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Me: I could point out that they're over in the corner, naked, hammering away and you'd say, "Well, she was looking for her contact and he stopped to help her when suddenly a strong breeze blew off all their clothing, then they slipped and fell and his penis fell into her vagina."
Mom: I wouldn't say that!
Me: Excuse me. "his wee-wee fell into her woo-woo".
Mom: Now THAT I'd say.
Me: He could have powder around his nose, handing off a bag of weed in exchange for a prostitute, and you'd say it's powdered sugar around his nose from a donut, the weed is oregano for the guy's spaghetti, and he's only gonna give the nice girl a ride home. Oh, he'll give her a ride home alright!
Mom: Carrie! Stop being so vulgar!
Me: Hey, I'm not the one making excuses for the crackhead, whore-mongering drug dealer here!
Cabert: Having to drink coffee to stay awake when it's 100 degrees sucks. I think my kidneys are sweating!
Nathan: McDonald's has big fat iced coffee for $1. Get two.
Cabert: Isn't iced coffee like dry humping?
Nathan: Maybe, but a Moped and a Cadillac can take you to the same Wal-Mart, if you know what I mean.
Hannah H: Set your timer for... the future.
You know you've been on the computer too long when you think this...
Me: *sets the Veet and scraper on the bathroom counter* I'd better not leave that there. Mom won't know what it is and she'll delete it.
Josh laughs at my logic.
Me: Josh, I need you to come here.
Josh: *walks into kitchen*
Me: *hands Josh 3 slices of bread* Here. Make a sandwich and a half with this.
Josh: What? Why?
Me: Because this bread is different. It's too small to make a sandwich with the other piece from the new loaf.
Josh: *laughs hysterically*
Me: Well, one sandwich would be okay. The other would be lopsided.
Me: I've seen 3 separate instances of people saying "lack toast and tolerant" online in the past month. It seems there are people in the world who don't have any toast but they're okay about it.
WF: OMG I'm so freaked out. There are big spiders everywhere! I'm like paralyzed with fear! There's a big dead spider by the toilet and a live one by the door. My husband killed two in the living room this morning. Plus, I just saw another dead one by the wastebasket and another one on the porch!
Julieanne: WTF, do you live in a cave or something?
Blair: HELL NO! RUN!
Julieanne: But they have 8 legs, they they can run 4 TIMES AS FAST AS A HUMAN! Think about it!
Valerie: What the hell?!
Julieanne: I'm serious! It's like a miniature cheetah with 8 legs! True facts!
Frank: Time to burn the house down.
Me: Mary, where are your cups?
Mary: *grabs the bag of Solo cups, half of the cups jump out of the bag and onto the floor*
Me: Well, shit, Mary! I only needed one! You didn't have to get excited and ejaculate cups at me!
Me: Could someone explain to my neighbor's cat that I am not running a brothel outside my window and that he can take his sexcapades elsewhere?
Mom: What kind of dog is Sammy?
Me: Pomeranian.
Mom: Thank you! I kept thinking Polynesian or Pokemon.
Mom walks into the room with Cody's cat brush full of his hair and dandruff.
Mom: You see all that dandruff?
Me: Yes. Ew. I don't want to see the contents of your hairbrush!
Mom: You're mean.
Me: Note to self: Next time you buy powder, pay attention to whether or not it says "cooling" on the bottle. I feel like I just dipped my entire lower body in a vat of whatever they use to make 5 gum freeze your mouth!!!
Me: You clitsquiggle!
Toby: I have cavities! I have a Sonicare toothbrush but apparently you have to use it!
Me: You know you're in a bad mood when you threaten to shit on your cat.
Jazz: I read the shopping list on the counter this morning. My mom abbreviated the words tomato sauce so it now reads Tom sauce.
Toby: Do you? You do. I just snotted. BOOP!
Me: What?
Mom: What?
Me: You said 'I don't know'.
Mom: I can't hear you.
Me: *yells* You said 'I don't know'.
Mom: I don't know what?
Me: I don't know! You said it!
Mom: Said what?
Me: YOU SAID 'I DON'T KNOW'.
Mom: I did?
Me: Yes! What don't you know?!
Mom: I don't know.
Me: *head desk*
Me: It's hailing really badly in Greenville right now. Claire posted a picture of their trampoline with hail all over it. Willie posted a picture of their front yard with hail all over it. Satan posted a picture of where he lives...
Mom: Lemme guess, hell all over it?
Me: I've been waiting a long time to make that joke!
Mom: They can all kiss my rectum.
Me: Missa and Laura are my best friends.
Mary: What about me?
Me: You're my best friend here *points to floor*
Mary: Just here? *points to floor*
Me: No! I meant, here... like, as in North Carolina! Missa's in Missouri and Laura's in New York. You're my best friend in North Carolina.
Mary: Why didn't you say that?
Me: Because my arms aren't big enough to cover all of North Carolina!
Josh: What's the first line of the song we did at Turtle Idol?
Me: OMG... uh... hang on, my brain has decided to go through and sing at least one line from every song on my iPod. Sit tight. I have 6000 songs on my iPod so this may take a while.
Me: Mike posted a picture of a dog today. Under the picture, Teresa commented and said it was her "poo." I know what she meant but my brain immediately turned to, "You shit dogs? Is that a talent or a health problem? Should I be concerned or applaud?"
Phone rings, mom answers and talks briefly
Me: Who was that?
Mom: A reminder call that I need to take a list of my medications to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and I can't eat anything after midnight.
Me: Because doing so will turn you into a Gremlin?
Hannah H: If you could predict the future and also do it in an entertaining manner, would that make you a comedium?
Mom: *watching TV* Carrie, who sings this song?
Me: *listens* Alex Clare.
Mom: Have you seen the chubby guy on YouTube that sings?
Me: Oh, that narrows it down. That's like asking if I've seen the black guy that lives in East Tarboro.
Me: I really don't understand these 4AM cravings for Chinese food. I would pull off my right arm and donate it to charity for some Shrimp Fried Rice right now!
Since when is your dick size relevant in an argument?
Asshole: You ain't nuthin but a fat bitch. I got a big dick.
Me: Then I guess you'll have no physical problem complying with the following suggestion: Go fuck yourself!
Toby: What the ffffffff... riendship?! What in the friendship?!
Rob: *singing* I like to dance in the street. I like to smell the concrete. I like to roll around and look at Beamers!
Me: I was reading a review of a book and I had to stop reading here when the guy said "military techno-thrillers". I immediately thought of this:
Sgt. Stryper: Private Johnson!
Pvt. Johnson: Sir, yes, sir!
Sgt. Stryper: We have less than five minutes to find the bomb in this warehouse of tiny babies. Do you think we can do it?
Pvt. Johnson: Sir, yes, sir!
Sgt. Stryper: But do you know what we must do first, Private?
Pvt. Johnson: Sir, I do not believe we have time, sir!
Sgt. Stryper: Boy, are you questioning my authority?!
Pvt. Johnson: Sir, no, sir!
Sgt. Stryper: Then we have time for this, Private!
Pvt. Johnson: Sir, yes, sir.
Sgt. Stryper: Break out your glowsticks. DJ! KICK IT!
Unh tiss Unh tiss Unh tiss Unh tiss Unh tiss Unh tiss
My dad sneezed and the movie he was watching went blank.
Dad: I sneezed so hard, I blew the film off the projector!
Tré: Bitch, I'm your fairy god-nigga!
Toby: Oh my God... and your God. Oh our God. Oh the God or all of the gods, however many... I dunno.
Grace: I wanna get some frosted tips with Lance Bass, then eat Frosted Flakes while lookin' at frosted windows.
Josh: I'm going to investigate my options.
Me: What?
Josh: I'm going to investigate my options.
Me: It sounded like you said you were going to investigate your ostrich.
Gustav: For me it's just cooking meat. Meat with meat salad and meat with everything...
Tom: Nobody wants to know that! Bacon with bacon...
Gustav: Bacon with bacon and bacon on top.
Georg: With bacon on the side.
Jess L: Dear autocorrect, when I type babycakes, I mean babycakes not babyaids! Wuddaaa foook
Mom: Why are you eating yogurt right now?
Me: I want to be cultured.
Mom: What time is it?
Me: 4:02.
Mom: Quarter to what?
Me: No, 4:02.
Mom: Quarter to five?
Me: NO! FOUR! OH! TWO!
Mom: Don't yell!
Toby: Scientifically? That's a fake word!!!
*Pulling up to Rite Aid, I switched the radio off*
Josh: Hey!
Me: I need silence. I have to talk to the window.
Josh: That doesn't sound schizophrenic at all!
Me: I talk to a window and it gives me drugs!
Me: My dad's watching a western on TV and the bar scene had the pianist playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" and "Little Brown Jug", which is the song our neighborhood ice cream truck played when I was little. It's hard for me to think you're a tough guy when those are the song choices in the bar!
Toby: Later is not now. Later is never now.
Me: Note to self: Never talk to Mike after he's had a 5 Hour Energy.
Me: Some unicorns ate Skittles and glitter and barfed up this monstrosity of a website: http://yvettesbridalformal.com/
Me: *singing to Josh to the tune of Aladdin's A Whole New World* I can show you the world... *goes to Google maps* There you go!
Me: FedEx is a dick. A giant flaccid dick.
Josh: *singing to Cody* Cooooody please love my song because it loves you!
Me: When I was little, I once mayonnaised the entire couch and buttered the front of the living room TV. My parents went out and bought a lock for the fridge. They just didn't know how to appreciate good art!
Kevin: Shut up. Don't tell me what to do with my money. It's my money. If I wanna go buy a giraffe, I'll go buy a damn giraffe, okay?
Torrei: You ain't gonna buy no giraffe in this house!
Kevin: Uhhh, I bet I do buy a damn giraffe in this house! Tell me I won't buy no damn giraffe. I'll go on www dot get a giraffe dot com right now and have that giraffe here tomorrow to teach that giraffe how to headbutt the fuck outta you!
Mom: Yay! Marshall Dillon's on! I live Marshall Dillon!!
Josh: You hear that, Papa? She loves Marshall Dillon!
Mom: So? He's dead!
Me: Ewww! Necrophilia!!
Mom: He has the prettiest horse!
Josh: She went from necrophilia to bestiality!!
Toby: Elf off! Go elf yourself!
Me: In just a few minutes we can watch the clock go from 1:59 to 3.
Josh: We should act like we've been abducted by aliens or something.
Me: *jumps* Wha? An hour as passed! Where've we been? And why does my ass hurt?
Nadiehn: Tom's forehead is awesome, btw. Shine the shit outta it, and it's a full size mirror.
Toby: My helmet isn't secure. It's very insecure right now. *pets helmet* Aww, it's okay, helmet! You're doing a great job!
Me: I need a virile unicorn, strictly for jizzing purposes just to test my theory that it's really what keeps Georg's hair so beautiful.
Me: Getting up and going to bed would require movement in which I'm sure my body is not equipped to handle at the moment.
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666666666666666666666666666666666666666 See what happens with you lay heavy headphones on your keyboard while you go grab a brush for your wet hair?
Me: Hahahahahaahaha!
Miranda: I still can't figure out why I find it so funny!
Me: Because it IS funny. Satan took over to send me a message since I haven't been home in a while to visit with him.
Miranda Funny his call home to me is an illness so i've been back several times in the last few months... he must like you more.
Me: It's because I give great head.
Me: I can't even begin to explain to you the glory that is Gustav's fabulous ass!
Alex: We all have ovaries! Each and every one of us! And if we try really hard, we can make 'em shine!
Anna-Claire: I went in the chicken coop and there was a chicken.
Josh: Ya think?!
Posted on Tumblr: Reblog if you say "fuck" more than 5 times a day.
Person 1: I'm Scottish - I can top that in one sentence.
Person 2: To be fair, in Scotland "fuck" is more like a comma than an actual word.
Me: Hide & Seek Champion: A phone on silent.
A few months ago I said I had a crush on my doctor and wished that he did pelvic exams.
Dr. Vigg: Do you get regular pelvic exams?
Me: Yeah. I haven't had one recently so I need to schedule one.
Dr. Vigg: Do you want me to do it?
Me: O_O
Dr. Vigg: Schedule it for you, I mean.
Me: Oh. *disappointed face* No, I'll do that.
Me: Who keeps tacos in the console of their car?!
Mom: Josh Boyd.
Mom was putting a small table together. The electric screwdriver stopped working midway. The table was sitting in her lap, upside down, making it look like she had an huge erect penis. I walked out of my room and looked at her.
Mom: I can't screw anymore.
Me: Regret taking that Viagra now, huh?
Mom: You're sassy.
Me: You're the one sitting in the living room with an erection.
Mom: *looks down and realizes how it looks* GROSS, CARRIE!!
AND I got a picture:
Me: Have you ever been talking to someone (in person, text, IM, FB, wherever) and wanted to go, "OMG YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID IT'S ACTUALLY CAUSING ME PHYSICAL PAIN!!!!"? Just me? Okay then.
Melody was looking up at something hanging from the ceiling.
Melody: What IS that?
Me: It's a ceiling. We have one in every room!
Girl on TV: That's like asking which is more magical - flowers or rainbows?
Me & gay guy on TV: Rainbows, of course.
*phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Melody: Where's mama?
Me: Hang on. *yells to the living room* Mom!
*silence*
Me: *yells to living room* Daddy, where's mama?
*silence*
Me: *looks down at Cody* Cody, where's Daddy?
Melody: *laughs hysterically*
Mom: I'm so glad to have an STD...
Me, Daddy, Josh, and Caroline: *burst out laughing*
Mom: I meant OCD!! I'm so glad to have an OCD person here!!!
Me: OMG this is the saddest thing in the world!
Josh: What?
Me: I can tell who they are by their asses!!
Josh: *laughs hysterically*
Josh: 39 times 4 is...?
Me: Math and I don't do math.
Me: What are you making?
Mom: Tea.
Me: You're not making any other letter of the alphabet?
Mom: No. No Qs or Rs.
Me: Do you need to pee?
Mom: No Ps either.
Me: *goes to cabinet and takes out a can of clam chowder*
Mom: Did you wanna use this pot?
Me: No. I don't use pot. It's a drug and drugs are bad, m'kay?
Mom: I should use pot around you.
Me: I'll take that as a compliment.
Me: I just poured myself the loudest glass of Diet Coke ever! It sounds like Pop Rocks over there!
Mom and Daddy got dinner last night from Mama's Pizza.
Me: What'd ya'll get?
Mom: I got a Philly Cheese Steak and you daddy got ... um... Cambodia.
Me: CAMBODIA?
Mom: What's that thing he normally gets?
Me: Stromboli.
Mom: Yeah, that's what he got.
Me: I can see how you'd confuse stromboli with Cambodia seeing as how they sound so much alike.
Cody comes prancing over to me so I rub his head and down his back.
Me: I wish you liked being brushed like Skylar did. Your hair is so soft and long, like a Barbie.
Cody: *bites my hand*
Me: I had a dream last night that my parents legally changed my name to Sunshine Godbless Thompson.
Me: *opens freezer* Oh, yay!
Mom: What?
Me: The Hot Pockets fairy came!
Josh: Does Gustav only have a sister?
Me: Yeah.
Josh: What about Georg?
Me: He's an only child.
Josh: *sarcastically* Does Tom have a brother?
Me: No but he has a sister named Bill.
Mom: *to Dad* You're missing The Lone Ranger.
Dad: *to me* You're missing The Lone Ranger.
Me: I wasn't aiming for The Lone Ranger.
Lady on TV: Remember, there is no cure for herpes.
Me: HERPES!!!!!
Mom: What?
Me: Your name is Herpes?
Dad: I saved your life today.
Mom: How?
Dad: From that dog.
Mom: *confused* What dog?
Dad: That shit-eating dog.
Me: *laughs so hard I'm crying*
Josh: I've decided that instead of saying "dang it" or "crap", I'm gonna start naming off random bands. Like just then I wanted to yell out, "COHEED & CAMBRIA!"
Me: It works and you have so many options! You bang your toe, "ARCTIC MONKEYS!" You spill your drink, "HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH!" You lose your keys, "TOAD THE WET SPROCKET!!"
Me: I'm 100% convinced that God is a dog lover and is using his minions to send me to hell flying.
Mom: Have you read online about the guy who wrote a book about his love affair with a dolphin?
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Mom: You heard me.
Me: A love affair with a dolphin?
Mom: And get this, he claims the dolphin pursued him.
Me: Dolphins can be pretty sexy.
Mom: That's just weird.
Me: Josh, what are you listening to?
Josh: Saliva.
Me: *laughs*
Josh: What?
Me: Every time I hear any of their songs, I think of them singing about phlegm or with phlegm.
*much later*
Me: *makes a gurgling, drowning sound in the back of my throat*
Josh: What are you doing?
Me: Seeing if I have what it takes to join the band Saliva.
My mom and I were splitting up the rest of the Fig Newtons between us.
Mom: I have 8. How many do you have?
Me: 7.
Mom: Liar!
Me: No, really! Look!
Mom: *counts* Oh.
Me: Lemme eat one of yours and then we'll be even.
Mom: *laughs* You're not that sneaky. *steals one from my dad* There. Now we're even.
Dad: HEY!
My mom forgets my name a lot.
Mom: *points at me* You are....... ?
Me: Fabulous? Stunning? Amazing? Awesome? Gorgeous?
Mom: Carrie.
Me: Oh.
Mom: I love how the news says, "Mosquitoes are worse this year" like we didn't know. We can walk out the door for a second and figure that one out.
Me: They were only clarifying because some people were calling in about an infestation of pterodactyls.
Me: Skylar, you're pissing me off! Shut up?
Skylar: RRRAAAAOOOOOUUU
Me: You're gonna make me kill you and I'm not gonna feel bad about it!
Josh: What does that say?
Me: I just got back from the emergency clinic.
Josh: I thought it said, "I just got back from the emergency dick."
Me: Well, sometimes you just have these urges...
Me: I hate when I try to make a joke or be funny and someone "corrects" me. Some people are assholes.
Mom: *being the peacemaker that she is* You should just say "thank you".
Me: Oh, I say "thank you" but 'thank' is replaced by another word that ends in 'k'.
I wasn't paying attention to the conversation.
Mom: What are they, Carrie?
Me: *snapping to attention* What?
Mom: Tell your sister what the little blue pills are called.
Me: Viagra?
Mom: No! The ones for headache!
Me: Oh! Naproxen. BIG difference.
Mom: Ben & Jerry's has a new flavor.
Me: I've heard. It's called Schweddy Balls.
Mom: Mmm, it sounds good!
Me: Ew, Mom! It does not! I don't want Schweddy Balls in my mouth!
Mom: I do!
Me: *makes gagging noises*
Mom: I hope Josh is home during this storm.
Dad: Call and find out.
Mom: No.
Dad: Then shut up.
Mary: *looks at me and says slowly* I fooooorgoooooot.
Mary: *makes fart noise*
Me: Did you just fart?
Mary: No, that was me going 'psst'.
Josh: Since when does and S sound like a P?
Me: My S's have never sounded like P's, Mary. What alphabet did you learn?
Mary: I learned to fart the alphabet.
Me: *singing* Now I fart my ABC's.
Josh: What are they?
Mary: They're balls.
Mary: A black spot just walked across my eye.
Mary was drawing and I was trying to guess what it was
Me: A banana!
Mary: Nope.
Me: A shhh... dinosaur.
Mary: No. It's a feather!
Me: Oh. *pause* A feather! I guessed it!
Listening to The Last Fight by Bullet for my Valentine.
What they sang: "Everyone is sick of caring"
What I heard: Everyone is sick of Carrie.
Someone at Josh's school made a gay joke.
Josh: I got mad at told him it was homo- homo-
Me: Homogenized?!
Josh: No, homophobic!
Watching a blue grass program with my mom.
Mom: I don't like this group (Carolina Travelers). They're not as peppy as Redhead Express.
Me: Peppy? Redhead Express' last song was about Jacob and Cora getting lost in a cave and dying.
Mom: But it was peppy.
Me: OMG! THESE HEADPHONES ARE LIKE EAR SEX!
Ashlee: Is someone raping your ears?
Me: Bill. He's constantly raping my ears. I keep telling him that's not where you put it.
Mom: I like hard things.
Me: Lemme just put that on the top of the list of Things I REALLY Don't Want To Know.
Mom: I meant like, nuts.
Me: *covers ears* Please stop! You're making it worse!
Me: I love a nice tall glass of chocolate fucking milk. Not just chocolate milk. Chocolate FUCKING milk. It's sex in a glass.
Christina: I use to describe things as better than sex but got tired of the required "not sex with u of course" affirmations .. now its "orgasm in a glass", etc
Me: Shit, chocolate covered cherries and a mocha frappe are better than sex. Sex with anyone! I don't care who they are. Until their dick starts tasting like chocolate or coffee, the statement stands.
Listening to Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera
Jacqui: Are your Moves like Jagger?
Me: My moves are more like Shamu.
Me: Our posts on THUS are censored. If I didn't censor myself, my posts about Gustav would look like this: Oh my ****** God! I'd love to **** his ***** and then **** **** ***** my ***** while **** ******* ****** on the ****** ***** using *****, **** *****, ***** and ***** before ***** ***** and finally *****.
Me: Du bist dumm!
Josh: Du bist ein Dummkopf!
Me: Du bist eine Tomate!
My parents were watching Christian programming.
What the guy on TV said: And Jesus arose from the grave!
What the Closed Caption wrote: And Jesus arose from the gravy!
Me: More people would follow Jesus if he were covered in gravy. Of course, it'd be for a different reason though.
Me: The back of the pizza box says 'Hornee'. Does that mean I have to turn it on? *looks at mom* I guess I'm supposed to get it hot and it'll cook itself. *winks at pizza* Hey, baby. You come here often?
Josh: In the category of Assholes, I'll take Michael for $1000.
Me: Don't say stupid shit to me! If I wanted to talk to someone stupid, I'd call Michael!
Me: Where is the meteor shower tonight? Like, who can see it? *looks it up online* Oh, apparently everyone in the Northern Hemisphere. But where in the sky should we look? *scrolls through website* Holy shit. This website answered me in a manner that I would have answered someone asking me the question.
Josh: What's it say?
Me: *reading from the site* Where to look? The sky, actually.
Me: I'm totally convinced that I'm someone's Sim.
Me: I ordered dinner. A large thin crust with sausage and mushrooms and a large hand-tossed with pepperoni, sausage and ham.
Mom: Why larges?
Me: Well, the website said that the mediums would only feed 2-4 people. I didn't want us to be scrappin' in the kitchen floor over that thin crust.
Mom: Good idea.
Me: Yeah, I just didn't feel up to kicking your ass today.
Mom: I miss Inspector Morris.
Me: Don't give up hope. Your aim will improve.
Me: Matt Grosh used to tell me every time he'd fart. We'd be talkin and he'd go, "I'm farting. I'm farting. I'm still farting. I'm done."
Josh: *laughs*
Me: It's like he was reporting the weather. "It's gonna be fartly cloudy today with a chance of turtle-headin..."
A conversation between me and mom about the annoying dogs in the neighborhood.
Me: They started barking at 5 and wouldn't shut up!
Mom: We should get a rooster to keep them up.
Me: We should get a shotgun. I've heard the meat is good if you prepare it just right. We could grind those puppies up! Get it? Get it? And serve them with a side of Hush Puppies! Get it? Get it?
Me: I have a confession to make. When I start feeling bad about myself, I think of Bill pooping. I figure if something so beautiful can make something so disgusting, then something so disgusting *points to self* can make something beautiful.
Mom: Are there any dirty clotheses in Josh's room?
Me: Who are you now? Tom?
Me: The temperature reader at 4:57 pm today read: 116º. It's official. I live in hell.
Me: I'd like to be celebrating but without a partner, it's more like celibating.
Me: Rissa likes Kpop...
Mom: I don't know what that is.
Me: Korean Pop musicians/bands.
Mom: I thought it was food.
Me: Well, they are edible but that's frowned upon and called cannibalism.
Me: Today I actually uttered the words: ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! AYE! AYE! AYE! TACOS FOR EVERYONE!
Elle: On a scale of 1 to 10, how crazy would you say you are?
Me: Penguin.
I came out of the bathroom after my shower to see my mom sitting in her chair on one house phone and my dad sitting on the couch with another house phone. I stopped and stared at them for a second.
Me: You do know you're in the same room and you don't have to use the phone to communicate, right?
Me: Earlier, it sounded like an angry Gustav was throwing around his cymbals in my front yard. I don't even.
Me: I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Mom: Not in the house, please.
I woke up and walked through the living room to go and clean the litter box.
Mom: You're walking on the carpet!!!
Me: Yeah. I didn't feel like hovering today.
Mom: I just vacuumed and you're putting footprints on the carpet!
Me: *starts dancing just to be annoying*
Me: I dropped my iPod but my headphones saved its life. It was very similar to bungee jumping.
Me: I should start carrying around tiny dildos in my purse so when someone pisses me off, I can hand one to them and tell them to go fuck themselves.
Jacqui: Or carry little dick tarts and tell them to suck it.
Me: DICK SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait... that made it look like I was calling you guys 'dick suckers'. Lemme try that again: PENIS LOLLIPOPS!
My mom showed me video of a male cheerleader who was dressed like the female cheerleaders during a performance.
Dad: Is he... you know...?
Me: Fruity in the booty? Yes.
Me: Minus the weed, I'm the female version of Jay Mewes. NOOOOOCH!
Me: Put my hand through my bedroom window. Ouch.
Dani: Good job! How did you manage to do that!?
Me: My window was talking shit and I had to pop it one to make it shut the fuck up!
Dad: My daddy had a cherry tree and a pear tree.
Mom: It wasn't a pear tree. It was a Fig Newton tree.
Me and Josh: *burst out laughing*
Me: Wait! What is this? Could it really be? Oops! It's gone. Whew! For a minute there I almost gave a damn!
I was in the kitchen and Cody kept walking around my legs. He tripped me twice.
Mom: Put the brownies in the microwave so the cats won't get them tonight.
Me: How about I put Cody in the microwave and turn it on?
Mom: Ew. No. Cats in the microwave stink.
Me: And you know this because.... ?
Mom: I'm not telling.
Mom: They're burying that Pitt girl tomorrow.
Dad: The one that got killed?
Me: No, just some girl with the last name of Pitt they found walking down the road. "Hey, you! Come here. We're gonna bury you."
Me: I loved NKOTB. Jon is gay. I loved NSYNC. Lance is gay. I love Tokio Hotel. *glares at Bill*
Mom: Put the clothes in the dryer while you're in there.
Me: Ich spreche kein Englisch. Ich spreche nur Deutsch.
Mom: Then I'll be putting you on a bus to your native country.
Me: Buses don't go to Germany. There's the whole ocean problem
Kathy: Hey, Carrie! Where've you been?
(That's the church's way of asking, "Why haven't you been to church in over a year?")
Me: Home.
Kathy: Hmm. That's a good answer. Sing for me.
(I used to sing solos, duets and trios in church)
Me: No.
Kathy: When are you gonna sing again?
Me: When I go home tonight and turn on my iPod.
Kathy: I wanna hear you sing.
Me: You're welcome to come over to my house.
Kathy: I meant in church.
Me: I know what you meant.
Kathy: You know, you're so beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Kathy: Who's your daddy? *knowing full well who my dad is*
Me: We've narrowed it down to the milkman and the paperboy. We're going on Maury next week to find out.
Kathy: No, your daddy is Bo Thompson.
Me: Yeah, I know. We've met. *walks away*
My mom was going out so I gave her my credit card to go buy some milk, bread, ranch dressing and a stromboli. She had to go to 2 different places so I had 2 receipts.
Mom: *points to some papers* There are your bills. There are 2 of them.
Me: I'd rather have one Gustav, thanks.
Mom: All of those boys are ugly. I don't know why you want any of them.
Me: *gasp* That's blasphemy! Take it back! They're ALL sexy and I'll have you know that Bill is a pretty pretty princess!
McDonald's: Can I help you?
Me: Can I get a Big Mac?
McDonald's: We don't serve Big Macs after 2 am.
Me: Your Big Macs are conditional? When the fuck did this happen? You can't not sell your signature sandwich!
McDonald's: I don't make the rules. You can order off the late night menu.
Me: *looks at the menu* Okay, I'll have the number 4...
McDonald's: We don't have a number 4 after 2 am.
Me: Ma'am, there are 4 fucking burgers on your late night menu. I want the 4th thing that's pictured that has a number 4 written over it.
McDonald's: I don't have a picture of the sign in front of me.
Me: Seriously? Do I need to just come in there and do your job for you? I'm drunk and I have my shit together better than you!
My ex-roommate Peter used to tell these LONG ass boring stories that had no point. One day he was telling Jared and me a story:
Jared: This story could only be more interesting if you found $5.
Peter: Shut the fuck up. *stops telling the story and goes away*
Jared: If I had known that's what we needed to do to shut him up, I would have said it earlier!
Me: *laughs until I snort*
Jared and I told EVERYONE about about that happening. A month later, a BUNCH of us were sitting around mine and Peter's apartment (there were about 20 of us there). Peter had made a fried egg three days prior and had regaled us with the story OVER AND OVER again. We ALL hated the egg story.
Peter: *talking to the boy he was planning to fuck that night and telling him the egg story*
Me: *gets up and throws a dollar on the floor* LOOK! I FOUND A DOLLAR!
EVERYONE ELSE: *throws dollars or fives or credit cards on the floor*
Peter: FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
Peter also had a bad habit of butting into conversations and saying something that had NO relation to the conversation.
Jared: Did you see on The Soup when Joel said...
Peter: I bought a Dr. Pepper today. First one I've had in a long time.
Me and Jared: *look at Peter and then back to one another*
Jared: We'll consider what he said as a commercial break. Now back to our regularly scheduled conversation.
Phillip: They didn't have time machines back in 1973!
Me: Phillip, they don't have them now either.
Laura: I can't get onto your forum.
Me: I can't either. I'm so glad you said something. I'm checking it out right now. *sees the servers are down* The root (forumotion) is down so ALL sites are down.
Laura:Oh OJ.
Me: OJ did it?!
Me: What's going on with Josh's bag?
Mom: The cat (my sister's cat) sprayed on it. I had to throw it away because it smells like pee.
Dad: He won't be spraying on it anymore. Melody took him to get noodled.
Mom: Noodled? You mean neutered?
Me: *laughing* OHMIGOD! CAN'T BREATHE!
Me: Frozen water, frozen water, infant.
Trey: Don't move, form a group and hear. Frozen water is back with a new piece.
Me: An entity seizes a firm grip upon my person.
Jill: Moves fluidly, much like a pulse, whether it's 9am or 9pm.
Me: Will the issue eventually cease? Hark, I am unsure.
Jill: Plug in the recording device; I'll continue with the story.
Me: With great severity, I astonish the device for converting sound waves into electrical energy in a similar manner in which a person defiles property.
Laura: I whip my hair back and forth.
Me: Stop it. You'll get whiplash... Or a hit single.
Me: There's a fine line between being self-confident and being an arrogant bitch.
Josh: He called laughing saying, "I'm still alive."
Me: You should have said, "Damn! That voodoo doll isn't working."
Josh: "Do you at least feel a slight burning sensation?"
Mom: There's a possibility of snow Friday and Monday.
Me: Has no one alerted the weather that this is North Carolina and we don't normally get this shit?
Mom: What happened to global warming?
Me: The ice caps are melting and air is blowing and penguins are farting which causes a cold front to tap dance on our weather. Or whatever that weatherman said.
Me: I'm not a musical instrument, nor am I a video game so you can stop trying to play me.
Looking at a picture of my friend Marie.
Me: Why can't I look like her? I'd love to look like her. I mean, if you put Marie and me in front of Gustav and told him to choose, he'd choose her every time. *sigh* I hate my life.
Josh: We all do.
Me: You ALL hate my life?! Collectively?!
Josh was playing Unfair Mario (It's a REALLY hard version of Super Mario Bros.). It's seriously REALLY hard! I could only hear the music.
Me: Why do you keep dying so quickly?
Josh: It's REALLY hard! *shows it to me*
Me: Holy shit!!
Josh: You wanna try it?
Me: No.
Josh: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Josh: Why not?
Me: Because I'm eating a hotdog.
My cat Skylar kept chewing on the ribbons on the presents under the tree.
Mom: Skylar! Get out from under that tree!
Me: He's just looking to see if he has a present. *imitates Skylar with a kid's voice* I no see no presenz fur me! Dats ones fur Josh n dats ones fur my mommy. None of thems is spelled Skylar!
Mom: Skylar doesn't know how to spell.
Me: *imitating Skylar* I do too! My name is Skylar! Ess. *long pause* Kylar.
My mom came into my room.
Mom: Josh, look at me and focus. Your clean pajamas are on your bed. Carrie, look at me and focus. Make some tea.
Me: You never come in here and say anything nice. It's always demanding shit.
Mom: *practically yells at me* SHUT. UP! I LOVE YOU!
Mom: I'm going to Rocky Mount so you're gonna have to feed Josh.
Me: Josh is 15. He can feed himself!
This isn't so much a quote but more what I did while under the influence of Ambien. Josh had an empty carton of Milk Duds. I picked it up and played it like a wind instrument for a good 20 minutes.
Mom: Carrie? Can you find..... *long pause*
Me: The rest of your sentence?
Mom came in and the Christmas tree lights were out.
Mom:: Who turned the lights out?
Me: I dunno.
Dad: Cody. The dumb cat.
Mom: That dumb cat.
Me: *imitating Cody* Oh yeah? If I'm so damn dumb then how did I turn the Christmas tree lights off, bitches?!
Me: *peeing and singing Winter Wonderland* Sleigh bells ring. Are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening.
Josh: *opens the door and turns off the light before slamming the door shut again*
Me: I don't need a light to wipe my ass!! *comes out of the bathroom and continues singing* A beautiful sight. We're happy tonight. Walking in a winter wonderland. In the meadow we can build a snowman. And pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, "Are you married?" I'll say, "HOLY SHIT!! A TALKING SNOWMAN!!!!!"
Chris: *throwing snowballs at Josh in in rapid succession* I'm a factory! I'm a factory!
Me: I'd like to run into Gustav somewhere that's appropriate to ask him, "Will you sign the inside of my vag with your peen?"
Josh: Wow. I'm popular.
Me: That was conceited of you.
Josh: That was sarcasmic.
Both: What?!
Me: She always says the dumbest shit. She makes me wanna throw things at her.
Josh: Skittles!
Me: I'd never waste a Skittle on her.
Hangs up phone after speaking with my dad
Mom: Talking to him is like talking to a child with a high fever.
Someone was annoying me
Me: *turns and looks at Josh and sighs* Sometimes I fantasize about lighting him on fire.
Josh: Me too.
Me: If I had $8 we'd totally be going to the matinee of Harry Potter tomorrow.
Josh: I have $8. I actually have $20.
Me: You have $8 you'd be willing to spend to take us both to see Harry Potter?
Josh: *in a parental tone* Maybe.
Me: Josh, do you remember when you were 1 or 2 years old and you'd get on all fours and crawl behind me and meow like a kitten? I'd go sit down and you'd crawl into my lap and purr and rub your head against my hand and say, 'Imma kitty! Meow!'
Josh: Yes. But I'm not doing it right now just so you can feel nostalgic.
Chezmiere: What does water taste like?
Me: Fish pee.
Mom: The new Chevy Camero is gonna be topless.
Me: That whore!
Josh: *offers me a handful of Cap'n Crunch Berries*
Me: I can't have anything crunchy. I had a tooth yanked outta my face today.
Josh: They're not crunchy.
Me: Josh, I can hear you crunching and they're called CRUNCH berries.
Me: Things I've learned as I've gotten older (and things you need to know)
1. Hypocrites will take the side that's more convenient for them. I can't stand a hypocrite. Either stand up for what YOU BELIEVE or sit down and shut the fuck up.
2. If it doesn't directly affect me, I don't give a shit.
3. Call me immature all you want but I've probably shit objects with more problems than you've had in your entire life. You don't fucking know me or what I've been through in my life and you'd be surprised at my level of maturity (and sanity). Shit I've been through would fuck up your world.
4. Pardon me for enjoying sex. Just because you haven't had any good sex (or any sex at all for that matter) doesn't mean you can call me a whore.
Okay. I'm done.
Me: *points at picture and laughs*
Josh: What is that?
Me: That's when your Grandma made hush puppies and that one looked like a... um... what the fuck is it called?
Josh: o.O
Me: It lives in the sea and it looks like that. SHOE-HORSE!
Josh: *burst out laughing*
Me: No! That's not it! SEAHORSE!! That's it! What the fuck is a shoe-horse?!
*I was confusing a horseshoe crab with a seahorse*
Me: Why do you guys called Brody "Sonuva Bitch"?
Missa: Because he IS a Sonuva Bitch.
Me: He's always so loving though.
Christina: Just wait.
*They start highlighting my hair. Brody takes a flying leap off the table and lands, claws first, into my back.*
Me: SONUVA BITCH! Ooooooh, I get it now.
What I said:
Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was durch meine Adren fließt.
What Josh's phone thought I said:
Du bist alles was ich meine ratte niest.
Translation into English:
You're all I sneeze my rat.
Conversation about this picture:
Me: Josh? There's your girlfriend.
Josh: That's pretty scary.
Me: Don't say that. You'll hurt her feelings.
Josh: She's scary looking.
Me:You keep saying things like that and she'll get mad and go sleep under your bed at night.
Josh: Seriously. I hate you.
Me: If I didn't look like a scrub right now, I'd go to the store and raid their candy aisle.
Gabby: Haha, I smell like a pony!
There's a guy I know who constantly scratches his crotch in public! When he was getting married...
Mom: I don't know what to get them as a wedding gift.
Me: Jock itch cream.
Me: Have you ever seen The Ring?
Josh: No. What happens?
Me: You watch a video. After the video, you get a phone call saying you're gonna die in seven days. Seven days later, this bitch crawls out of your TV and kills you.
Josh: I wanna see that video. *looks it up online*
Me: Okay but you're gonna die in seven days.
Josh: *watches video*
Me: *slowly opens phone. presses 5 on speed dial for Josh's number. presses send*
Josh: OHMIGOD! Wait, it's you. *answers phone*
Me: *creepy voice* SEVEN DAYS!
Josh: I hate you.
Mom: *to me and Josh* Where are you going?
Me: To the store to buy some candy. Since Josh and I are too old to trick or treat, we're just gonna buy some candy. I'll go to his bedroom door and knock and he'll give me candy, then he'll come to my bedroom door and knock and I'll give him candy.
Mom: I'll knock on both of your doors to get candy.
Me: We won't be home.
I was searching all over the house for something and couldn't find it. I got frustrated.
Me: WHY DOESN'T THIS HOUSE HAVE A SEARCH BAR?!
Mom needed some invisible thread to sew up something.
Mom: I've searched everywhere for some invisible thread and I can't find any.
Me: Of course not. It's invisible!!
Me: Bill and Tom officially moved to LA last night. So many people are upset that the G's stayed in Germany.
Rissa: Why? Cuz they think the band's gonna break up?
Me: Exactly.
Rissa: It's not like they lived in the same area in Germany though. Gustav should move to this coast to hang with us lovely women.
Me: I'd love to hang with Gustav.
Rissa: I think Gustav would be awesome to hang with.
Me: I'd totally hit on Gustav.
Rissa: We'd be hanging and you'll be like, "Gustav, you have pretty eyes. What color would you call that?" And he'd be like, "Brown...?" And you'll sigh and say, "Yeah, brown."
Me: I'd just cut to the chase. "Gustav, you have gorgeous eyes! Wanna fuck?"
Mom: Some drug dealer has gone public with a story about Angelina Jolie's drug use and how he used to sell to her.
Me: He sold to her recently or used to sell to her?
Mom: Used to.
Me: So the media is eating it up and she used to do drugs, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Well, I should go public about what I know about her.
Mom: What do you know about her?
Me: She used to piss and shit all over herself. And instead of cleaning herself, she'd make someone else do it. She even wore a diaper! And she was so lazy, she'd make someone feed her ALL her meals IN A BOTTLE!
I showed Josh a picture of some candied apples that were covered in sprinkles and cherries and peanuts and chocolate.
Me: Can you just hear Bill? *imitates Bill Kaulitz* "Oh, lecker! Oh, mmmm, lecker."
Josh: Orgas-mapples!
Looking at a picture of a table full of different kinds of chocolates.
Me: Look at the little roses! *points* I bet those have peanut butter in them. *points again* I don't even know what that is and I'd eat it.
Mom: You can't really see the bling in the pictures.
Me: Did you just say 'bling'?
Mom: Yes. Why?
Me: Don't use that word. It's creepy when you use it.
Mom: Oh my God.
Me: What?
Mom: This man says that 27 rocks of cocaine that were found in his butt weren't his.
Me: Well, how the hell did they get up in there?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: I've never had anything up my ass that I didn't personally put in there myself. That narrows it down to Phenergan suppositories when I was vomiting.
Mom: *sarcastic* Maybe he went to a public bathroom and, when he wiped, 27 rocks just went up his butt.
Me: Maybe he sat... on a drug dealer's hand.
Mom: Oh! He had marijuana in there too. He admitted the marijuana was his but said the cocaine isn't.
Me: You know how it is when the cops are banging on the door and you're trying to hurry and cram things in your ass. Marijuana, TV remote, spatula and Billy Bob's cocaine...
Mom: *laughs*
Me: I just can't see me ever not knowing that something... or 27 somethings were in my ass. I've never been sitting on the toilet going, "Where the fuck did this elephant come from? I don't remember putting him up my ass!"
*Later on*
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Mom: What?
Me: He heard it was "crack cocaine" and got confused!
On Entertainment Tonight: *Justin Bieber singing*
Mom: Carrie, your boyfriend is on TV.
Me: Will you stop it! I do NOT like Justin Bieber!
Mom: He's the love of your life.
Me: You're gonna make me come in there and punch you in the uterus, aren't you?
Talking about my favorite band (Tokio Hotel) with Heather.
Me: I don't know if you've heard of them. It's a little German band called Tokyo Motel or something like that.
Heather: Ohh! Yeah! Don’t they sing something about a Typhoon?
Me: *dies laughing*
This:
Thanks to Jaqui
Josh: Life's a beach.
Me: It's salty and leaves sand in your crack?
Me: We need one of those litter boxes that has a hood on it but bigger. Like one that would fit a horse.
Josh: Carrie, that would be a stable.
Me: I haven't seen you in forever!
Josh: You saw me on Monday.
Me: That's like three days! Do you know how long three days is for me?
Josh: Uhhh... three days?
Me: No! It's three and a half years!
The laundry room is the only room in the house that gets swept (everywhere else has carpet). I sweep it twice a day because the cats' litter box is in there. I just went in there to sweep it and I couldn't find the dust pan. I looked all around the room for it.
Me: Where in the flying blue monkeys is it?
Josh: Where is what? *comes into the room*
Me: The dust pan.
Josh: *looks around the room* I dunno. *leaves the room*
Me: Where else would it be? This is the only room that gets swept.
Josh: I dunno.
Me: You didn't see it in here, right?
Josh: Right.
Me: So I'm not retarded, right?
Josh: *silence*
Me: I think it was wise of you to not answer that question.
Josh was talking (actually talking and listening to, not typing) to his girlfriend Amber online. I kept saying things to interrupt them.
Me: Bill Brontosaurus Kaulitz.
Josh: What?
Me: That's his full name.
Josh: No, it's not.
Me: Tom Triceratops Kaulitz.
Josh: SHUT UP!
Me: Drown.
Josh: Did you just tell me to go jump in a lake?
Me: Kind of. I really just want you to drown. Here. *picks up the glass I was drinking from that was still partly filled with tea* Drown in this.
I was at the store getting some mini-marshmallows for my mom. I went on the aisle with the marshmallows and there was a guy stocking the shelf across from me.
Stock guy: *singing* Chicken, chicken, chiiiiiiiiicken. I love me some chiiiiiicken.
Me: *smiles at his song and bends down to get the marshmallows*
Stock guy: Hey!
Me: Me?
Stock guy: Yeah!
Me: Yeah?
Stock guy: Do you like chicken?
Me: *hesitates* Um. Yeah.
Stock guy: Meeeeeee too! *goes back to stocking and singing* Chicken, chicken, chiiiiiiiicken...
While on the phone with my ex-roommate.
Peter: Did I tell you my grandfather finally fucking died? Yeah, I'm pretty excited about that.
Me: I didn't sleep well last night.
Mom: Why?
Me: I just lay in bed awake thinking about what a failure I am.
Mom: That's stupid.
Me: Oh, so now I'm a failure AND I'm stupid?
Mom: Why don't you fry up a chicken?
Me: Have you ever tasted my fried chicken?
Mom: No.
Me: That's because I don't fry chicken.
Mom: What will you do when I'm gone?
Me: Go to KFC.
I went to the dentist and there were two inmates from the jail in there with a deputy. One was loopy from the meds the dentist gave him.
Loopy inmate: *to deputy* Do you like Ford or Chevy?
Deputy: It doesn't matter to me.
Loopy inmate: *to other inmate* Do you like Ford or Chevy?
Other inmate: I don't care.
Loopy inmate: *to me* Do you like Ford or Chevy.
Me: Ford.
Loopy inmate: Why?
Me: What type of car was the officer driving that arrested you?
Me: Eddy, wake up.
Eddy: No.
Me: Why?
Eddy: The cookout's coming.
Me: Oh really? We're having a cookout?
Eddy: National Treasures.
Me: EDDY! Wake up!
Eddy: *opens his eyes* I hate you right now.
Me: You can kill me later.
Eddy: I'm gonna put you in the microwave.
Me: I won't fit.
Eddy: I'd put you in there one piece at a time.
Jared: *on my voice mail* I know this is gonna sound weird but I got this number from a bathroom stall with a message next to it saying, 'For a good time call.' I'm not sure what that means but give me a call back and we'll hammer out the details.
Me: *in a text back to him* I told Peter to stop using my number for his business calls!
*cell rings*
Me: Hello?
Woman: Tracy?
Me: No. Carrie. Wrong number.
Woman: Sorry about that.
Me: No problem. *hangs up*
*cell rings*
Me: Hello?
Woman: Is this Tracy Russ?
Me: No. I'm still Carrie. Wrong number again.
Woman: Sorry about that.
Me: No problem. *hangs up*
*cell rings*
Me: No matter how many times you call, I'm STILL not gonna be Tracy Russ.
Woman: *hangs up*
A friend called saying he was going out of town and would be going to the town where his ex now lives. We talked about what he would do if he saw his ex. He called me on his way back home.
Jared: Oh my God, Carrie. You will not believe what I did.
Me: Tom?
Jared: *pauses* Yeah. Pretty much.
Mom: I'm hungry.
Me: *picks up the cat* Here. Eat this.
Mom: I saw Kevin at the store today.
Me: Was he on fire?
Mom: No.
Me: Then I don't care.
A friend and I were discussing the movie Titanic II.
Me: Please tell me this is a joke.
Julie: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GET ON A SHIP CALLED TITANIC II?
Me: I'm afraid of water so I wouldn't get on a ship period but, my water fear aside, after the Titanic I wouldn't want to get on a boat called "Gigantic" or "Enormous" or "Huge" or "This boat's kinda big!"
I couldn't find my art supplies and was determined someone stole them during my last move.
Me: I would draw but I don't have any of my supplies.
Josh: Yes, you do. They're in the closet.
Me: No, they're not.
Josh: Yes, they are. *goes to look*
Me: If you pull art supplies out of that closet, I'll slap your grandma.
Josh: *pulls out 3 sketch pads and tracing paper*
Me: Mom! C'mere a minute.
JoeJoe and I lived in Jacksonville, Florida for a while. During the summer it was really hot and sunny but EVERY afternoon, we'd have a horrible thunderstorm and then the weather would be sunny and hot again. We were on our way home from Neptune Beach and the sky was really sunny to our left and PITCH BLACK on the right.
JoeJoe: *singing the Christmas carol* Silent night. Holy ... SHIT, IT'S DARK OVER THERE!
Eddy: I'm as furry as a bird.
Keep in mind that Eddy is in his late 20's and was born and raised in the USA.
Eddy: So is Obama the President of the United States or just North Carolina? What? No really? Like, what states does he have?
Our satellite started acting wonky.
Mom: Josh, hold the satellite button and count to ten. Like, one... two... three...
Josh: I know how to count.
Mom: Okay. Do it.
Josh: One... eleven... chicken... purple...
Me: Josh, go to bed.
Josh: In a minute.
Me: No. Now.
Josh: I will in a minute.
Me: Could you not piss me off right now? I have nothing black to wear to your funeral and I'm running out of places to bury the bodies.
Me: *talking to my mom* I had a dream last night that you cut my hair with a bag of marbles. My hair changed textures and I had to use Nubian products in it but I didn't know what to use. I called Eddy to get him to help me. He lived at the park but was being kicked off the swings for smoking weed. We got in my car and smoked a blunt and then went to church and ate some giant donuts.
Mom: What kind of donuts?
Me: So this guy got caught in the airport trying to smuggle eighteen Titi Monkeys in his pants! How can anyone fit 18 monkeys in their pants and still walk casually through the airport?
Mom: I dunno.
Me: *goes to tell Josh the monkey story*
Mom: I think I've figured it out. If he got some cotton batting and put pockets into it, he could put that into his pants like a lining and fit the monkeys into the pockets.
Me: You actually thought this out? What was he gonna do with the monkeys anyway? Can you imagine standing next to this guy and his crotch starts going, "Ou ou ou ah ah!" Is that a monkey in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
There was a Tokio Hotel video of Bill and Tom Kaulitz test driving the new Audi A1. In the video Bill yells, "Guck ruhig, süße!" to an elderly lady walking down the street. Tom later posted on his blog that the elderly lady was Bill's new girlfriend.
Elyse: The lyrics to Bill's next song will be, "Your breath, a Polygrip laced wind. Your hair, the color of clouds on a rainy day. Your skin, the feel of leather with the perfume of Bengay. Your smile, so mesmerizing with or without your dentures. I smell the light intoxicating scent of mothballs on the empty Posturepedic pillow next to me..."
Me: *to my mom while watching the western Cheyenne* You know how Cheyenne Bodie wins the fight every time and always has a smart ass comment to say before he walks out? I'm waiting for the episode when he says something stupid. *BANG* Bodie walks toward the door. He stops. He turns and looks at the bad guy and says, "Skittley Doo!!!" And he skips out of the saloon.
Claire: I love Claire when she's drunk!
Claire: SUPERGLUE! *does a model pose*
Claire: *drops her cigarette on the balcony* OOPS! OOPS! OOPS!
A gentleman our family knows was very very sick. The hospital called the family to pay their last respects SEVERAL times and he'd pull through and go back home just fine.
Mom: {Gentleman's name removed}'s funeral is tomorrow.
Me: So I take it he died.
Mom: I would hope so.
Me: You never know. They called the family to the hospital so many times they could have just gotten tired of him recovering and are gonna just dump him in a hole in the ground. "Be quiet, Daddy, and lay still while we shovel this dirt on you."
Mom: You're going to hell.
Me: *talking to my mom* You're going to hell for that.
Dad: Going to hell in a hand basket.
Me: Nah, she's not even getting a hand basket. That was so wrong they're just gonna throw her ass in there.
We always have a Friends and Family Day at church. One man stood up and announced Wednesday night that he gonna pray that his entire family would be in church Sunday.
Mom: {Man's name removed} died last night.
Me: Wow. God answers prayers in the strangest ways.
Mom: How so?
Me: Well, {Man's name removed} was praying that his entire family would be in church on Sunday. They will be but it won't be for Friends and Family Day... it'll be for his funeral.
Chris P: Girl, pyom!
Rod: Sheeky llama, llama, llama! Yo! Imma get the Lion King back! Yo! Mufasa ain't dead!
Jermain: Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!
Rod: He ain't dead! He ain't got trampled by dem deers! He was tryin-a catch em! And he caught up, you know? 'Cause they got caught up in the action! They said, "Argh!" *climbs on Jermain's back* Mufasa on him! He in his mind! He all up in the wiring!
Rod: It's gonna be like green apples and sour eggs. NO! Sam I Am! I don't like green eggs and ham! No, Sam I Am! You know green eggs and ham?
Me: Mm hmm.
Rod: Sam I Am didn't like em. I don't like em in a box. I don't like em with a fox. I don't like green eggs and ham. I don't like em, Sam I Am! *falls backwards into the trashcan*
Me: Hey! You. Wait. You can't. It's not. Okay.
Rod: Who is she? She said I can't do nuthin.
Jermain: That's because she lives here. *points to the bottle of Vodka Rod was about to take a swallow from* And that's not yours, Boo-boo.
Rod: Can't stop me!
Rod: It's the yellow and gray man! YELLOW AND GRAY!
Rod: And I'm Monifah. Uh-huh. And *clap, clap, clap* You know. I got this wristband. Uh-huh. On my arm. And- And Great American. Yep. And I drink...
Me: Too much.
Peter: Error.
Ricky: It sounds like something you'd say after bad sex. Error! Delete! Control Alt Delete! End task! Hurry!!
Me: Happy Valentine's Day!
Matt G: Happy muthafuckin' Valentine's Day to you too, bitch!
Me: Oh! I got a "muthafuckin'" and a "bitch!"
Matt G: You know you like this dick!
Me: *after hearing Peter talk for an exceptionally long time during a movie* Peter, honey, you're talking in the TV room again. Shh.
Matt G: *talking to Charlie* I've farted on Hannah. I've farted on Carrie. You're next.
Matt G: I'm thinking I'm taking a nap before my aunt gets here.
Me: Okay. Have nice nappy dreams!
Matt G: *bursts out laughing* Have a nubian night!
Me: *calmly as I notice Hannah's not slowing down for a pedestrian* So, Hannah. Were you gonna hit that guy right there?
Matt P: It tastes like a laser!!
Me: What is wrong with my phone?! Why does it keep doing that?!
Jared: It has AIDS.
Erin: Would that be hearing aids?
Peter: And I'm the drunk dumbass who would shit my shoes!
Me: Holy hell, Phillip! That's a shit ton of booze you got there!
Phillip: I'm the Santa Claus of alcohol!
Jared: You never hear of someone dying from just one AID. It's where there's a whole lot of them.
I locked my keys in my car and my only spare was 45 minutes away with my mom and dad. Jared was downstairs trying to break into my car while I was upstairs on the phone.
Jared: *walks in and hands me a piece of paper* Here. You're now Jacqueline Early. Call Triple A and give them this number. They'll come and unlock your car for you.
Me: *looks at paper and back at Jared* Where'd you get this?
Jared: Don't worry about it. Just call.
Me: Mom, all my friends are gay. They could dress my car and make it look pretty but breaking into my car would pose a problem for them.
Peter: Too much Martha Stewart and not enough OJ Simpson.
Hannah: And God was with us!
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Hannah: Why are you laughing? I don't understand. I'm stating facts here!
Matt P: *while sitting at a red light on New Year's Eve* Five! Four! Three! Two! One! HAPPY GREEN LIGHT!
Hannah: What'd he say earlier? Sour pussy?
Me: No! Sour milk!
Matt P: *listening to a guy sing karaoke* It takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.
Hannah: I'm glad we're friends, Carrie. I love you. You're delicate.
Me: You have a Ben & Jerry's here?
Hannah: Yeah! We can go there afterwards and get an ice cream.
A guy suddenly cuts me off and I almost hit him.
Hannah: *still talking to me about the ice cream but also yelling at the guy who cut me off* YOU WANNA SHARE ONE, BITCH?!
Me: My head has a mind of its own.
Matt G: *in a text to me DURING his college graduation* Are you here? And if so, isn't this all a big crock of shit? Just gimme the fake piece of paper and lemme go. I dare you to stand up and yell, "I LIKE RAPE!"
Me: *back to him* When they call out your name and you walk across the stage I'm gonna scream, "THAT'S MY BABY DADDY!"
There was a loud falling noise outside my apartment
Hannah: Some bitch just fell down the stairs.
My niece asked me how to break up with her boyfriend.
Me: Tell him, "Yesterday I took a shit. It reminded me of you. Fuck off."
Josh: Her hair is freaking three colors!
Me: Her hair can fart in three colors? What?!
Josh: You need a hearing aid.
News Reporter: ... and people are dying from the heat *shows a picture of a beach with people laying out*
Me: Is that how the dead are being disposed now? They put them in bikinis and swim trunks and lay them out in the sun?
Mom: I guess so.
Me: I guess they want the cemeteries to look more festive.
*Josh and I were smelling colognes and perfumes at Walmart*
Me: Ugh! This one smells like a fart!
Josh: *bursts out laughing*
Me: Did you just fart?!
Josh: *laughs harder and nods*
Me: We're definitely not bottling THAT scent!
Me: *hears hammering coming from the living room* What are you doing in there?
Mom: Hammering your Daddy's head.
Me: Was it falling off?
Mom: Yeah. He's so hard-headed. *hammering continues*
Me: Ewwwww! I hate Meatloaf. The singer, not the edible meatloaf. Although Meatloaf the singer is, in fact, edible in some places. I wonder if he tastes like meatloaf.
A commercial for alpaca farms came on TV.
Me: *gasps* MOM! Let's start an alpaca farm in the backyard!
Mom: No.
Me: But why? Look at that couple. Don't they look happy with their alpacas?
Mom: No.
Me: It's a lucritive business!
Mom: No.
Me: Okay, but don't be alarmed if the UPS man drops off some alpacas in the next few days. I think I'll order 10 to start off with.
Mom: If the UPS man delivers alpacas to the house, I'm kicking you AND the alpacas out.
Me: You're always killin' my dreams!
Later in a conversation about my alpaca farm:
Kala: I saw a commercial like that once, and the people were all happy with their alpacas.
Me: I wanna be happy with alpacas.
Kala: You should be allowed to be happy with some alpacas.
Laura-Ann: What if I sent you an alpaca, will she still kick you out?
Me: We could try it. She can't kick an innocent alpaca out in the cold... or heat of North Carolina. That's just cruelty! Or maybe I can pass him off as my boyfriend and see if we can establish a relationship between them and, before long, they'll be shopping together and getting pedicures.....
My mom fell in the shower a few weeks ago and broke her clavicle and tore her rotator cuff. Her arm is in a sling.
Dad: Are you gonna go?
Mom: Yeah. I'm gonna jump in the shower...
Me: That's your problem! Stop jumping in the shower! You'll slip and fall again!
Mom: Will you pumice my feet and do my toenails?
Me: Sure. *I get the stuff ready and go to sit on the floor*
Mom: You're gonna sit on the floor?
Me: How else was I gonna reach your feet? Were you gonna levitate?
Mom: *flips me the bird*
Me: What the hell?!
Mom: I cut all my nails and forgot this one.
Me: *flips her the bird* I didn't cut my nails. I just wanted to give you the finger.
Josh and I were involved in a conversation. My mom suddenly tried to butt in.
Mom: What?
Josh: Just eat your pizza.
Me: Shut down!!!!
It's over 90° outside. The heat index is over 100°
Me: I want a Filet O' Fish from McDonald's but it's too hot to go get one.
Mom: Money is tight. I can't afford it.
Me: I wasn't asking for money. I have money.
Mom: And your Daddy isn't gonna come all the way back here and go back out.
Me: What?
Mom: Your Daddy isn't gonna want to come home to get money and go back across town to McDonald's.
Me: What are you talking about?!
Mom: What are you talking about?
Me: Are you not following the conversation? I want to go to McDonald's and get a Filet O' Fish with my own money but it's too damn hot to get in my car to drive across town with no air conditioning JUST to get a sandwich!
Mom: Oh.
Me: You have problems focusing.
Mom: What?
Me: NEVER MIND!!!
Me: Phillip! Look! It's the Nightmare Factory!
Phillip: I wanna go there this Halloween.
Me: What do they have there?
Phillip: Upstairs is like a haunted house and downstairs is a dark maze.
Peter: *wakes up* What about a line of babies?
Peter: *while dead asleep in the backseat on the way to the beach* BOOP!
Josh: Connor wasn't in class today. I think she may have failed the first test.
Mom: I wonder why.
Me: It's kinda hard to suck a dick and roll your R's at the same time.
Peter: In boot camp we couldn't smoke or drink or even look at a girl.
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Peter: Shut up.
Peter: The Navy is ranked number 1 in STDs.
Me: Wow. You guys are just handin' 'em out like candy, huh?
Peter: What's yo flay-vuh? Let's make it clap!
Peter: We were showering and apparently we were being too loud because the Corpman came in and made us all drop and do 50 push-ups.
Me: In the shower?!
Peter: Yes! It was a sea of naked asses!
Josh: GOD!
Me: WHAT?! I'M BUSY!!
Josh: GOD!
Me: I'm going by Carrie today, thank you.
A car was coming into my lane almost hitting me when Josh and I were driving home from Raleigh.
Me: SHITTIN BRICKS ON A SUNDAY!!!!! *honks horn and the car goes back into its lane*
Josh: Shitting bricks on a Sunday?
Me: It's the first thing that came to mind. I panicked.
Looking at a picture of his ex
Josh: In that picture I swear she looks Mexican.
Me: I was thinking retarded.
Josh: Make sure my guitar doesn't fall.
Me: Yes, because I'm in charge of gravity tonight.
Me: I have to fart. *farts*
Josh: *laughs*
Me: Smells like broccoli.
Josh: What?
Me: That's my first single off my new album. "Smells Like Broccoli" off the album entitled "Butt Trumpet."
Josh: *fakes German accent* We're here with Tokio Hotel and Carrie Thompson as we're about to debut Carrie's first single "Smells Like Broccoli." *makes fart noise* The audience is going wild. Let's see what Tokio Hotel thinks about the new single.
Me: Tom has fallen over and fainted from the smell.
Josh: And Georg is vomiting.
Me: On Gustav.
Josh: Bill seems to have run from the room screaming like a girl. Carrie, what was your inspiration for this song?
Me: The song title was inspired by the late great Kurt Cobain and his song "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Josh: Do you play any other instruments besides the Butt Trumpet?
Me: Yes, I also play the Butt Flute, the Butt Cheek Bongos and the Mouth Fart.
Josh: Would you eventually like to collaborate with any artists?
Me: I'd love to collaborate with Tokio Hotel as soon as Tom becomes conscious and Georg stops vomiting.
I thought I heard thunder.
Me: *pauses iPod* Did I just hear thund-
THUNDER RUMBLES LOUDLY
Me: Nevermind.
Me: *singing Durch den Monsun while on hold* ... bis kein Regen mehr fällt
Phillip: *comes back from his other call* Are you singing about a vet?
Me: No. The word is 'fällt.' It means 'falls' in German.
Phillip: It sounds like vet.
Me: No it's 'fällt.' With an F. F A L L T. And the A has an umlaut over it.
Phillip: An omelet?
Me: Yes, Phillip. German people love eggs so much that they put them over their vowels.
Josh: How would that work?
Me: All Germans carry a pouch of scrambled eggs with them and every time they say a word with an umlaut they toss a handful of eggs in the air.
Ricky: I'm sunburnt and I'm on my way to Red Lobster.
Phillip: To be their mascot?
Mom: I heard Viagra causes hearing loss.
Me: What?
Jessie: *while hugging me and then sniffing me* Oh my God, you smell so good! You smell like *sniffs deeply* laundry detergent and happiness!
Me: Phillip, it's been real but Imma dip.
Phillip: You're leaving?!
Me: Yeah.
Phillip: *pokes my left breast* No! *grabs my right breast* You can't go!
Me: Me or my breasts?
Phillip: All of you.
Me: Did you bring anything back for your loving daughter?
Mom: I don't have a loving daughter.
Me: I'm your loving daughter.
Mom: Earlier when I told you not to put the box on the washing machine you said, "Where the hell should I put it then?!" You call that loving?
Me: But I said it in a loving voice. *batts eyelashes*
Bo: I think one of the elements is burnt out in your hot water heater.
Mom: So what does that mean?
Bo: You're gonna need another one soon. When you get the new one, I'll go with you. You're gonna need a low boy.
Mom: What's a low boy?
Bo: It's a hot water heater that's short and fat. Kinda like Carrie.
My mom's a diabetic and has to give herself a shot of insulin every morning.
Mom: *takes out alcohol swab and swabs a small place on her leg, then swabs her forehead.*
Me: I hope you're not planning to shoot yourself in the forehead.
Mom: No. My leg. My forehead was just greasy.
Eddy: I misunderheard you.
Me: You what me?
Eddy: It's a word!
While trying to guess Kendra's birthday.
Justin: You were born in the summer.
Kendra: No. Wrong season.
Justin: You were born in the fall.
Kendra: No. Wrong again.
Justin: You were born in the winter.
Kendra: Yes.
Justin: March?
Me: Justin, March isn't in the winter.
Justin: Oh. So January?
Kendra: No.
Justin: February?
Kendra: Yes!
Justin: February 13th?
Kendra: No. It's on a holiday.
Justin: February 25th.
Me: Since when is February 25th a holiday?
Justin: Is it February 31st?
Me: That's not even a date on the calendar!
My mom sent me to the store today to get cooking oil. I got to the aisle with the oil but didn't know if she wanted Vegetable Oil or Canola Oil so I called her.
Me: What kind of oil do you want? Vegetable or Canola?
Mom: Are you on the aisle with the oil?
Me: No. I'm in Spain. The weather's nice here.
Mom: Call Josh and see where he is.
Me: *goes out on the porch and calls Josh on my cell*
Josh: Hallo?
Me: Wo bist du?
Josh: Miss Estella's.
Me: Wo?
Josh: Next door. *steps out their front door and I see him*
Me: Oh. Okay. Carry on then. Tschüss.
Josh: Tschüss!
Me: *walks back in the house* He's next door.
Mom: I didn't see him.
Me: Because he's inside.
Mom: He shouldn't go inside their house.
Me: They invited him in.
Mom: But he shouldn't have gone in.
Me: What should he have done? Made the sign of the crucifix an backed away hissing?
Me: We should make funnel cakes tonight.
Mom: No.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because my throat hurts.
Me: You don't gargle them.
Mom: My feet hurt.
Me: You don't make them with your feet either. What kind of funnel cakes have you been eating that you'd used your throat and feet to make them?
Mom: I don't think we have the ingredients to make them.
Me: You got some funnel cake mix for Christmas.
Mom: Read the can. What does it say to do?
Me: It says: "Mix me with some shit and put me in some oil, bitch!"
Mom: It does not!
Hannah: Why are you learning German? You should learn Korean so we can talk to one another.
Me: Hannah, we're talking to one another now in English. Plus German has actual letters so I just have to learn the words and what they mean. With Korean, I'd have to learn symbols. I don't speak in squiggly lines.
I was telling my mom and dad about Tom Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel getting egged on stage.
Mom: Who is Tom?
Me: He's the guitarist for Tokio Hotel.
Mom: The bassist?
Me: No, the bassist is Georg. The singer is Bill and the drummer is Gustav.
Dad: Goose-dog?
Me: Yes, Goose-dog. His father was a dog and his mother was a goose.
Josh: I don't understand a line from Macy's Day Parade.
Me: Which one?
Josh: Red light special at the mausoleum.
Mom: At the mausoleum?!
Me: Someone's into necrophilia!
Me: I wanted to stab him in the jugular and make him drink his own blood.
Josh: Whoa. That'd be kinda hard to do.
Me: Not if you have a bendy straw!
My mom was watching a cowboy movie. As cowboys were charging at the indians, one of the men had a bugle and played the "Charge!" song repeatedly.
Me: Who is blowing that horn?
Mom: One of the cowboys.
Me: They need to die!
Mom: I guess they played it over and over to make the indians afraid.
Me: No, it'd just piss them off! It's pissing me off!!
I went into the kitchen to get a napkin to wipe a smudge off my glasses.
Mom: *yelling from the living room, thinking I was eating something* Don't eat that! We'll be having dinner in a few minutes.
Me: Don't worry, I won't. I don't like the flavor of napkins you bought.
My Mom was cleaning under a cabinet. She picked something up and some marbles rolled out across the floor
Me: You've lost your marbles.
My mom goes into the laundry room and comes out with a screwdriver.
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: Screwing.
My mom was watching a Christian group sing on TV. She muted it during the commercial.
Me: Hey, mom? Do you know a Bonnie Smith?
Mom: Yeah, why?
Me: She added me to Facebook. I don't think I know her.
Mom: Don't add her. She's crazy. You don't want to *accidentally unmutes the TV so all I can hear is the Christian group singing*
Me: So I shouldn't sing Christian music to her? Is that what sets her off?
Mom: *laughs* Yeah. You don't want to sing to her.
Me: How about heavy metal? How does she feel about that?
Josh: What does the color black mean?
Me: Schwarz.
Josh: WHAT?!
Me: Schwarz. It means "black" in German.
Josh: Oh. I thought you said, "Sharts."
Josh: It's not food. It's a milkshake.
Me: *takes a swallow and chews on it* I chewed it so it's food now.
Josh: Bless you.
Me: Huh?!
Josh: "Achoo'd" it. Get it?
Patsy: You know, my ex-husband drank my breast milk.
Me: He WHAT?!
Patsy: He drank my breast milk. He told me that since I wasn't going to breast feed the baby, he had to suck the milk duds out of my breasts.
Me: Okay, first of all if you stimulate the breast, it will continue to produce milk. Second, Milk Duds are a candy that I'm sure don't come from the breasts.
Patsy: Are you sure?
Me: I sure as hell hope so or I'm not eating Milk Duds anymore!
Me: I don't mean to complain but these potatoes taste off.
Patsy: They were rotten but I figured if I cooked them it would cook the rot out of them.
Me: Did you seriously just serve me rotten potatoes?
Patsy: You called a 1-800 number?!
Me: Yeah, why?
Patsy: If you call a 1-800 number your name gets put in a computer to get the Mark of the Beast!!!
Me: Where do you get this stuff?!
On a Saturday afternoon
Me: *opens her cabinet to find something to eat. Grabs a box of Poptarts*
Patsy: You can't eat that until Wednesday.
Me: Why Wednesday?
Patsy: When I buy groceries on Friday they can't be eaten until Wednesday.
Me: What do you eat between Friday and Wednesday?
Patsy: The food I bought last Friday.
Me: I'm going home where the food isn't limited to a certain day of the week.
Mom: *answers the phone* Hello? *pause* I don't need a clown.
*My mom and I arguing over Josh having dreams of being a star*
Me: He wants to be famous. What's wrong with that? Even if it never happens at least the boy can dream!
Mom: It's obsession.
Me: Obsession? How so?
Mom: It's just unrealistic.
Me: Don't crush his dream! Shit, if you EVER had a dream we wouldn't crush it.
Mom: I DO have a dream!
Me: Enlighten me.
Mom: I want to be a ballerina!
Me: I feel so sorry for your toes.
Mom: *sitting on the couch feeling around her* I keep feeling something wet. Carrie, are you peeing on the couch?
Me: No, I'm spitting at you while you're not looking.
Me: Here's your stupid laptop.
Mom: Why is it stupid?
Me: Because it's yours and not mine. If it were mine it'd be the awesomely amazing laptop.
Mom: *to Josh* A woman at church came up to me last Sunday and said I have a very handsome grandson.
Me: She must have dementia.
Mom: No, she's blind.
Josh: Thanks, guys.
Me: *to Josh* Your Grandma put volumizing shampoo in the shower for you. Apparently she thinks your hair is too quiet.
Keep in mind I'm allergic to lettuce.
Mom: There's rice in my taco salad. They've never put it in there before.
Dad: Yes they have.
Me: I always order mine with no beans and no rice. And no lettuce.
Mom: There'd be nothing left.
Me: And extra meat. A meat salad.
In the car with my mom. I'm driving her car and I'm not used to her accelerator. It's VERY touchy unlike my car. We stop at a stop light.
Mom: I wish you'd stop jerking off.
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: When we get to a stoplight and the light turns green, you make the car jerk when you press the accelerator.
Me: Okay. That makes sense. Don't say 'jerking off' again because I don't think you know what it means.
My mom NEVER swears. We were talking about how fat my cat Skylar is.
Mom: We should get him a harness with a leash and take him for walks.
Me: Take him for drags would be more like it. Where would we get a harness and leash from?
Mom: The shit shop.
Me: *bursts out laughing and can't stop*
Mom: What are you laughing at?
Me: You said 'shit shop!'
Mom: I meant pet shop!
Me: They're definitely not the same thing!
Josh: You have blue paint on your arm there *points to my arm*
Me: *Looks at paint* Hmm, that's a bother. *points to loose skin covering my elbow* That's my wenis.
Josh: *bursts out laughing*
Mom: CARRIE! Don't talk like that around him!
Me: All I said was 'wenis' and pointed out one of mine.
Mom: How many do you have?
Me: Two. So do you.
Mom: No I don't!!
Me: They're the loose skin that covers your elbow. They're wenises or wenii. I'm not sure how to pronounce the plural form.
Josh: * literally falls off the couch laughing*
Mom: Did you eat the last piece of bread?
Me: Bill told me I could have it.
Mom: Oh
Two hours later ...
Mom: Who is Bill?
Missa: I have to wait until my shirt is clean before I can make my point.
Mom: Can you get me an 800 millimeter ibuprofen?
Me: There's a polyp blocking my right fallopean tube.
Hannah: A pile up of what?
Me: So what was wrong with your parents' car?
Hannah: Captain G said there was translucent fluid on the engine ...
Matt G: I said 'transmission fluid,' you dumb bitch!
Kyle: I'm not a homophobe. I'm not afraid of gays. I just hate them all. That would make me a gay-cist.
Matt G: Click tools and unblock cock.
Me: Is this blue or purple?
Phillip: It's burple.
Phillip: I like rabbits. *makes airquotes*
Kyle: I like buns but I shop at a different bakery!
Tom: You're Daddy's little extension of evil!!
Tom: Yo, 911? We got a tall nigga in a leotard on our roof.
Me: You're not a lesbian and I'm not a lesbian so if we sleep together it wouldn't be a 69 but more like an 11.
Me: Egg flower soup? I didn't know eggs had flowers.
Phillip: Yeah, when you plant them they grow eggplants.
Phillip: They're called boobaloos.
Me: Sounds like a breast.
Phillip: I like your boobaloobies.
Hannah: I could never fall for a midget.
Me: I could never fall for a midget either but I could fall over one.
Jared: Is that your bottle of lube?
Me: ... Sucker.
Phillip: Suck her? I don't even know her!
Wings Over: B as in boy?
Me: Tell her, "G as in goat."
Phillip: G as in guy.
Me: G as in gonorrhea.
Charlie: G as in "Get it right, bitch!"
Kristen: You know I have an older brother. You met his door.
Charlie: I would have beat her!
Me: She's retarded.
Charlie: It just means you'd have to beat her longer.
Phillip: I don't know Carrie's address.
Me: I do!!
Hannah: Tell Carrie the story Matt shitting in your shoes.
Me: What?!
Eric J: Yeah. I put a stink bomb in Matt's luggage so everything he brought with him smelled like shit! He got so pissed at me, he shit in my shoes.
Me: I have never been so angry that I was like, "You know what muthafucka?!" *mimicks pulling down my pants*
A woman cut me and Hannah off in traffic.
Me: *rolls down window and yells* Gimme your shoes! I need to shit in your shoes right now!!!!
Hannah: He's definitely not at our bunlevel!
Josh: My left nose won't stop running.
Mom: So how are things in The Land Of Misfit Toys?
Phillip: I lost my face.
Me: No, I'm pretty sure your face is still attached.
Phillip: I lost my face and I fell on my vest.
Phillip: Slumber party!!
Me: If you have aids in your eyes, is it called visual aids?
Phillip: There's seamonkies floating in the bottom of my drink.
Me: *spits drink all over Phillip, Matt, Charlie & the kitchen*
Charlie: My imaginary friend with benefits.
Matt G: It's not a circle because then it'd be two dimensional. So I came in a sock ...
Phillip: My phone is beeping at me.
Me: Go plug it up.
Phillip: I don't give in to peer pressure.
Hannah: Why are the horses outside in the rain?
Matt P: They're waterproof.
Me: Q-U-O-R-N.
Matt G: Use it in a sentence!
Me: I'm allergic to quorn!
Matt G: I need that.
Hannah: *kicks it out of the car anyway*
Me: I ordered chinese food an hour ago and it's still not here!
Mom: China's a long ways away. It's gonna take a while for it to get there.
Mike: Ouch! Josh I just broke your guitar.
Josh: If you broke my guitar ...
Mike: I broke it. Didn't you hear it say, "Ouch!"
Mike: I'm gonna end every sentence with "dot com." *pauses* Dot com.
Me: So would a hispanic hermaphrodite be called a shim-y-chonga?
Me: If the muffin man was gay, would he be a muffin top?
Peter: I'm afraid of fictitious werewolves.
Me: As opposed to real werewolves?
Peter: Yeah.
Me: Peter, all werewolves are fictitious.
Hannah: Are you banana? Yes!
Hannah: Is it closed?
Me: No, the building's just sideways.
Hannah: How old is she? Oh, she's 32.
Mom: I remember him being sloppy and dirty.
Me: I'm assuming the years haven't done much for him either. His family's the type of family that would have chickens. I don't mean like chillin in the backyard in a coop but more like, cruisin across the kitchen table while you're eating your Nascar-O's ... or whatever rednecks eat. "The chicken's done shit in my cereal, ma!" Well, scoop it up with yer spoon, fling it at your Gram-ma to wake the bitch up and finish eatin, we're late for the tractor pull!
Me: He's a redneck. I'm serious. I honestly think he bleeds flannel.
Me: You'd put a condom on a zucchini?
Mike: I don't want any STD's.
Me: Well, it all depends on how sexually active the zucchini is.
James F: We were all holding a piece of him.
Hannah: Feel my muscle!
Matt P: No.
Hannah: Feel it before it goes away!!
Matt P: It's gonna go away? Poof! There it goes!!
Me: *stuttering my way through a sentence*
Josh: I give you the power of English! *puts both hands on my head*
Me: Dankeschön!
Hannah: *in a Southern accent* Turkey! Gravy! Mashed Potatoes! Stuffin! Sweet Potato Casserole! Aaaaaand pie! *snores*
Matt P: It takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.
Josh: Pa-Pa ... Mama ... Shut up!
Hannah: Bring all my stuff from the bathroom!
Me: I'm not an octopus, Hannah!
Hannah: I feel like running.
Me: Well, go for it.
Hannah: Nah. it's just a feeling.
Me: I think I'm typing in Korean now! *types some more* Yep. Definitely Korean. Fix it!
Kyle: *sprays me in the crotch with a water bottle* I got you wet!
Miranda: *takes water bottle from Kyle and sprays him in the face* No, Kyle! No!
Me: Why do you have an epipen in your car?
Matt G: He's probably allergic to bees.
Jermain: *nods*
Me: So are you allergic to any other letter of the alphabet?
Peter: ... K3PO4
Me: C3PO?
Peter: No. K3PO4.
Jared: C3PO's cousin.
Matt G: Sausage, egg and cheese.
McDonald's: On a biscuit?
Lindsay: No, on a salad!
Me: I've lost the remote.
Phillip: I've lost my will to live
Me: *bursts out laughing* Wait ... were you serious? Because if you were, that's not funny!
Matt G: When I look at you, I know I'm home.
Me: We no longer have a chinchilla.
Phillip: Did he fly away?
Me: Phillip, chinchillas don't fly.
Phillip: Yours must have been broken.
Me: Whatever. I took him to Sweet Pets. They're gonna find him a good home.
Phillip: Did you tell them the chinchilla is broken? How are they gonna sell a broken chinchilla?
Matt G: What does a charge nurse do? Run full speed into patients?
Matt G: What's it saying?
Me: When I click "activate" it says: nigga please!
Matt G: I like rape!
Me: I like it so much, I did it twice.
Phillip: I don't speak durh!
Mom: I think you're having a manic doodle.
Peter: All wounds have a smell
Elisha: Pfft *sniffs* Strawberries!
Me: Oh Jesus. Could you pick that up for me?
Josh: Yeah. I can pick it up, but my name's not Jesus.
Josh: Have you ever noticed that he's kinda ugly?
Me: Well I'll just walk to work then! *walks to corner* I'm here!
Matt G: Can you run out of horn?
Me: He can't die! He's in my circle!
Phillip: I feel a draft.
Matt T: There's a giraffe in here?!
Me: I like when I get thirsty and I grab my cup and there's still drink in there. It's like Christmas.
Phillip: *catches stove on fire* What should I do?!
Me: I dunno! I caught my house on fire!
Me: I have a headache but I took some prozac so I'm happy about it.
Mom: No one could eat Chinese food every day.
Me: The people in China do it all the time.
Me: I'm not a guest. I'm more of an infestation.
Phillip: We should grill hamburgers. We don't have any hamburger but we can try!
Phillip: When a mommy and daddy lighter love each other very much ...
Josh: It didn't come from Walmart so we don't know if it has protein!
Me: Oh my good God! Why didn't someone warn me that fiery habanero doritos were made with the fires from the pits of Hell?!
Me: I make really loud facial expressions.
Corey: Can you smell it? Because if you can't smell it, it's not really happening.
Hannah: That's okay. We have all day to sleep tomorrow. And we've got bacon!
Matt G: I hate you with a passion of the Christ!
Matt G: *with his hands down his pants* I had to get some floss!
Me: Do you think one of the girls on 2 Girls, 1 Cup said, "This is some good shit!"
Matt G: Carrie? If you were a pirate, would you wear your parrot on this shoulder? Or this one?
*This was his sly way of putting his arm around me*
Me: You think you Jesus? You can't walk on water!
Matt G: *sings to the tune of "I Wanna Be A Rockstar"* Hey, hey! I wanna eat a Poptart!
Matt G: He said he was gonna make us some sort of chicken shit.
Me: No, thanks. I can find something else for dinner that's better than chicken shit.
Spencer: This bass makes me have to use the bathroom.
Matt G: *shouting as I hit him in the stomach* TONKY!!
Matt G: DICKY BITCH!
Phillip: Where the fuck are my underwear?!
Phillip: You can get the afro version at negro.com.
Hannah: Your chimichanga is sleeping.
Me: Hannah, it's called a chinchilla.
Matt G: *as I'm playing with his hair* You like 'em?
Me: Uh huh. *picks one piece out of the rest* Especially this one!
Eddy: *pulls at his hair*
Me: You need to be a bit nicer to your hair. It just grew back.
Lead singer of a live band: *sings* I don't know why...
Matt G: She swallowed the fly!!
Me: Kcrrr! Look at the bag!
Daniel: Buzz Lightyear can't fly. If he thinks he can fly...
Me: That makes him R Kelly!!
Me: And that's how they died.
Erin: *in a Southern accent* That's not niiiice!
Peter: I had a woman seize on me today. It pissed me off!
Me: Well, I'm sure it wasn't the highlight of her day either!
Me: *gasp* I wanna put Alka-Seltzer in the pool!
Phillip: *gasp* I need Q-Tips!!
Peter: I almost got a fresh fruit tray from the store.
Jordan: You don't need to. You have me! I'm a fruit tray.
Peter: But you're not fresh.
Todd: *looking at the drink in my hand* Carrie, you're not drinking! Why aren't you drinking?!
Chris K: Do all your family members use the same social security number?
Me: You'll have to wait until I get finished eating.
Eddy: It's a sandwich! It's portable!
Peter: It's a shame.
Me: What is?
Peter: Tuna spends its entire life in water. Then it's caught, ground up and put back in water and stuffed in a can. It's a shame.
Me: I'm thinking the tuna don't mind so much after the whole death part.
Kevin: What time is it?
Me: Your mama! It's says, "Ruby o'clock".
Peter: You're 20, right?
Robert: Yeah.
Peter: When are you gonna be 18?
Matt G: Suck a fart out of my ass!!
Phillip: Carrie Ba'Gockin likes to put the cock in.
Me: Yeah, I do!
Matt G: *after hooking his computer up to our TV* I can't believe I'm watching porn with ya'll.
Peter: Actually you're not.
Me: We're watching a bear... your screen saver.
Matt G: Okay! Let's go fuck! EAT! I MEANT EAT!
Peter: I saw something at the store that I wanted to try.
Phillip: What? A 13-year-old boy?
Phillip: Oh, Carrie. Shut up.
Me: My vagina's an Easy Bake Oven!
Me: He says chocolate tastes like pennies to him now.
Jacqui: I thought you said penis!
Me: *laughs* No.
Jacqui: Oh man! Penis is like chocolate for the vagina!
Phillip: Happy uni-brow!!
Jacqui: Call him.
Me: No, because then he'll expect me to talk to him.
Jacqui: Text him.
Me: No, because then he'll call me and we'll be back to my original complaint.
Eddy: What's a crescent?
Todd: It's what you get instead of a bagel.
Chris: Oh my God! That house is making a face at me!
Phillip: It's the movie where the people are in the dryer.
Todd: What's it called?
Me: People in the Dryer.
Eddy: He said it was big, black and hairy.
Phillip: That sounds like a porn.
Eddy: Is this gonna be a long conversation?
Me: That depends on how long you plan on talking.
Matt G: *walking backwards* Where are you going? Carrie, come back!
Peter: I wannt eat on this *points to ottoman* but I don't want to make a mess.
Me: Then I would suggest using a plate.
Me: *gasp* You can't "ew" at Channing Tatum!
Matt G: He's not my type.
Me: Bullshit! He's everyone's type! He's even my dad's type!
Peter: Shit!
Me: I don't have to right now. I can't just do that on command, you know?
Phillip: I was gonna get her *drops his phone* GOD!
Me: You're gonna get her God?! Isn't he a little bit expensive?
Todd: Just stick your finger in the hole and wiggle it around.
Chris: My foot is loose.
Chris: Why is the sidewalk sideways?
Me: Because it's a "side" walk.
Peter: Don't eat all the cookies tonight. I want some cookies and milk tomorrow.
Robert: Aight, Santa.
Peter: *to Robert* You pay attention to the TV while I tell her this. *to me* What was I going to tell you?
Me: It's Eastern.
Todd: It's not Easter, Carrie! It's May!
Josh: Doesn't it smell like purple?!
Phillip: It sounds like we're standing in front of ourselves.
Matt G: I have a headache in my face.
Matt G: I know I just opened my eyes but I'm not a duckling!
Matt G: My fingers don't have twats!
Hannah: *sings to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas* And don't forget Strawberry Daquiri!
Matt G: Mmm, yummy! Send me a pickle! PICTURE! I MEANT PICTURE!
Matt G: The gun fell out of his pocket and the way it hit the floor made it bounce and... I dunno! I'm not a mathematician!
Me: Get off me, fuckie!
Matt T: I did the Soulja Boy at work today.
Matt G: Can I help yooooouuuuuu?
Matt G: Read the erections.
Matt G: Look at homeboy picking his nose. My bad, it's a homegirl.
Homegirl: *turns and looks at us*
Matt G: Oh shit! All the windows are down!
Peter: I have a headache. Let's have sex.
Treasure: I said, "It hurts!" He said, "It hurts like what?" I said, "It hurts like OUCH, muthafucka!"
Angel: I could wear blue jeans, a white shirt and black shoes. Does that match?
Me: Yeah, depending on what part of the 80's you're in.
Angel: Fuck the fuck off, Carrie.
Phillip: Your phone is bipolar and bilingual and bisexual.
Peter: It's like WHITCHA! Japanese!
Me: Eddy? What is DTMF?
Eddy: Dial tone, muthafucka!
Me: Holy crotch!
Laura: What's your mom making for din-din?
Me: She said, "nothing."
Laura: That tastes good with mayo.
Me: Gently tap my ass! Wait.
Me: *to my mom* Phillip and I want to know the difference between pork roast and pot roast.
Mom: Pot roast is beef and pork roast is pork.
Me: *to Phillip* Pot roast is beef.
Phillip: Then what's por- Never mind.
Phillip: I'm 23?
Me: Yep.
Phillip: I'm really 23?! I thought I was 22!
Jacqui: A little retarded, are we?
Me: I'm severely retarded. I'm like a helmet tard that drools.
Jacqui: Well, I'm the helmet tard the drools, pisses themselves when they get excited and runs into walls.
Phillip: Court always makes me feel like I gotta poo.
Phillip: *in an IM* mfer!! What does a network error means when you upload something? It won't upload!! GD! BITCH! SHIT! DAMN! ASS! DICK! COCK! FUCK! PUSSY! BARBARA STREISAND!!!
Phillip: Wind? Your last name is Wind?
Me: Wouldn't it be funny if his middle name was 'breaks'?
Me: Phillip said his last name was Koon. It'd be cool if his middle nake was 'rack' or 'cock'.
Phillip: Your breath smells like the ocean!!
Peter: If I sit on the counter, will you fuck me?
While playing the game Dirty Minds
Me: I have blue balls.
Phillip: I'm sorry.
*later*
Phillip: I'm a happy hooker!
*later*
Phillip: I'm supposed to be straight.
Peter: I got those decorations for eight dollas at the Walmart.
Phillip: You mean like, the ones on the door or the whole apartment?
Phillip: I'm magically Phillicious!!
Me: It DOES looks like a sushi!
Phillip: *sings to the tune of Bubbly* It starts on my back, then it drips down my crack...
Phillip: *sings to the tune of Tear Stains on my Guitar* You're the reason for the cum stains on my comforter...
Phillip: So he smells like armpits and eggrolls?
Me: Yeah! That's it!
Eddy: Could you get the sheets out of the dryer?
Phillip: *sitting and doing nothing* I'm doing something right now.
Eddy: Do you need anything washed?
Me: My towel.
Eddy: Well, go get it!
Me: Why don't you fuckin' go get it? I'm trying to check my fucking email and shit...
Eddy: What?!
Phillip: SPAGHETTI!!
Phillip: I have feet!
Phillip: *in a text* Did she just fart?
Girl: Wut dat?
Phillip: A blender.
Girl: A blenda?!
Me: *drops food on the floor* I'm sorry, Phillip! Don't spank me and put me in the cage!
Eddy: Where are ya'll going?
Me: To be pirates.
Phillip: We're gonna go get some booty!
Me: Pirate's Popcorn? Wonder what they sell there!
Phillip: Pirates.
Me: I want a pirate. One that says, "Argh!" and has a parrot.
Phillip: If they hand you a bucket of popcorn, you should be like, "What the fuck is this?!"
Me: I think we need to do this with something smaller or lighter. Those things hurt!
Phillip I'd ring your mouth if you'd stay still!! *throws another Milk Dud at my face*
Me: Eddy, do you have ANY testosterone?!
Me: You don't have to see his face! Doesn't he look like Justin Timberlake?
Me: The highlight of my weekend? Either watching the cat spin and hiss or stealing the benches from Chili's with Phillip. I can't decide.
Phillip: Now say you're sorry.
Phillip: We're like YouTube for God.
Sarah: I'm gonna be shittin' fire tomorrow!
Sarah: He's a douche queef.
Phillip: It reminds me of one of those crime shows where the people don't want their identity revealed so they black them out and change their voices. Only this show would be about closet case homos.
Phillip Personal space invder. *slap Eddy in the forehead*
Eddy: You'd let me shit on you?!
Phillip: Are you talking about the guy with grass in his hair?
Me: I can kick your ass from here.
Phillip: Someone forgot to flush!
Phillip: Eddy, move! I'm trying to watch B.E.T!
Phillip: Claps! Who's got the Claps?!
Phillip: McDonald's?!
Phillip: Would you like a suckle of my Dickel?
Tricia: Yakpoo.com.
Tricia: Smote him!
Me: Boomsheekah Farfignugent Rayshun Hinton Webb MmmHmmm.
Josh: Her smouse hells.
Me: Because I moo. Watch... MOOOOOO! See?
Me: I have dreams that I have a penis. Not like "have" as in "displayed in a trophy case" but "have" as in "I'll be staying in my room all day today, thank you."
Todd: What kind of cookie is that?
Me: Sex.
Todd: Sex?!
Me: Yeah, it's battered in sex and sprinkled with oragsm.
Josh: You remember that Robot Chicken episode where the guy said he farted in a musical tone?
Me: Yeah.
Josh: {name deleted} did that today. It like, sang.
Me: {other name deleted} farts in Dubstep.
Mom: Is Cody limping?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: Carrie, Cody's limping.
Me: Which leg?
Mom: His right.
Dad: No, it's his left.
Me: He has two rights and two lefts. He's a cat.
Me: About 90% of all my friends are gay.
Chris: I'm cool with gays. *pause* OHMIGOD! I saw a gay couple in Wal-mart the other day. These guys weren't just gay. They were supernaturally gay!
Mom: A woman in court got caught with a monkey in her bra.
Me: Could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you correctly.
Mom: A woman went to court with a monkey in her bra.
Me: Please tell me it was a Titi Monkey.
Me: I've felt an earthquake before.
Josh: How big was it?
Me: I dunno. *does a Google search for earthquakes in Tarboro, NC*
Google: Dairy Queen menu, Tarboro, NC.
I used to watch Blue's Clues even when Josh wasn't around. How I spent that time?
Steve: Oh, you found a clue?
Me: Yes. On the mirror.
Steve: On the window?
Me: No, dumbfuck! The mirror!
Steve: On the table?
Me: No, asshole! The mirror! The mirror! God, you're so stupid! Imma find a clue on a giant dildo and cram it up your handy dandy ass!!!
Raluca: By the way, I'm literally peeing my panty-hoes over your quotes page. Is that what you Americans call tights? Panty-hoes? Why do you call them hoes? They're not hoes... they cover legs and vaginas and dicks and shit. Whichever the person has... I've seen a guy wear tights/panty-hoes. It wasn't pretty... wait, panty-hoes and tights are not the same, are they?
Me: *laughs until I'm crying* Panty-hose. But I like panty-hoes better!!
Raluca: Panty-hoes, tights, nylons, tomatoes, cucumbers, vaginas, dicks, oreos, muffins, doughnuts. They're all the same.
Josh was reading off the tornado warning for me.
Josh: A tornado was spotted 3 miles outside of Farmville... how did a tornado get from Facebook to here?
You'll understand this if you watch The Big Bang Theory
Mom: *at my bedroom door* *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?! *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?! *knock, knock, knock* Carrie?!
Yes, this is in German
Me: Heilige Scheiße! Ich BRAUCHE einen Schwanz zu lutschen!
Tom: Scheiße!
Me: Well, I do!
Me: Nerd? I prefer the term "intellectual bad ass".
Jacqui Carrie, I.B.A at your service!
Me: I should get business cards made up!
Jacqui: And whenever an IBA is needed, BAM! You're there!
Me: I'll say a witty line, put on my sunglasses and walk out like a BAMF!
Jacqui: We need to come up with that line now. Then it will all be perfect.
Me: I'm all out of ideas for a line. The only thing that comes to mind is "Can I blow you?"
Jacqui: It's like "Hi can blow you? No no. *whips out card* It's okay I'm an official IBA!"
Me: You're not stupid. You may have made a bad decision but that doesn't lower your IQ. Shit, if every bad decision I made lowered my IQ, I'd be chewing on the keyboard right now instead of typing on it.
Me: Pardon me, I'm in mourning. I just dropped a cupcake on the floor and had to throw it away.
Me: I used to live in Florida with a gay black man named JoeJoe. One day his mother traveled down to Florida to visit us. During the visit, she handed me $100. My eyes widened and I was about to say something to her, ask her why or whatever, when I saw JoeJoe behind her back doing the "SHUT UP" dance complete with hand motions. I just thanked her and kept quiet. When she left, I asked JoeJoe, "Why did your mom give me $100?" He said, "I told her that you're my girlfriend. She so thankful that I'm not gay that she gave you the money. I'm sure she would have given you more if you weren't white but beggars can't be choosers." $100 for just standing there? Can't beat that! I wonder how much I'd cost if I were black?
Josh: *in a sarcastically dramatic voice* Parkhill Mall. Theater 2. You'll never guess what's playing.
Me: What?
Josh: The Justin Bieber movie.
Me: Oh. My. God! You'll have to call Mike and tell him he can't come tomorrow. We can spend all day at the matinee!
Josh: So. Excited!!!
Me: Mom, Mike can't come this weekend.
Mom: Why?
Me: The Justin Bieber movie is at the Parkhill Cinema. Josh and I are spending all day at the matinee. You wanna come?
Mom: That's where I've been all afternoon.
Me: *dramatic gasp* Betrayal!
Josh: How could you?!
Mom: Her sister was loose as Moody's goose!
Me: What does that saying even mean? I think it's possible that Moody's goose got a bad reputation for nothing! Everyone talks about that poor goose!
Mom: It means that Moody couldn't contain his goose.
Me: So like, were the townsfolk just use to the goose being loose all the time? Like visitors came to town, sitting in a restaurant eating and would be like, "A goose just walked through the dining room." And the waiter would just be like, "Yeah, that's Moody's goose. He's always loose." Or "Is that a goose coming out of the bank?" "Yeah, that's Moody's goose. He's always loose."
Mom: Why is he called Moody?
Me: I'd be Moody too if I had to run all over town trying to contain my goose!
Mom: Water from the well in a tin dipper is SO good!
Me: Ew, it's dirty!
Mom: You wash it first.
Me: How do you wash water?
On Facebook, I changed my job to Tokio Hotel's person whore
Brandi: Are they taking applications?
Me: They need someone to relieve me (no pun intended) so that I can have at least 2 days off during the week. They're also taking applications for a sexy nurse. I think you fit the description perfectly. I'll put in a good word for you.
Someone mentioned being an accountant and wanting a job too
Me: Good because I don't think Bill and Tom know how to count at all. I'm not sure about Georg but Gustav is pretty good at counting. He can make it to 20 before he gets confused.
Brandi: Oh good. I hear Tom gets his pills confused and poor Bill, he is always sickly. I shall inquire within!
Me: Please make your first task be feeding Bill a sandwich or 22.
Brandi: Or 22? He needs a steak! OMG... I will be like, "I swear it's vegan".
Me: "It's a vegetarian steak, Bill! The cow ate nothing but grass and bread. That counts, right?"
Brandi: Exactly! People just dont see things the way we do, hunny! Poor Bill. If the wind blows just right... he's a goner.
Me: I can see it now... Tom: Zo, Biu, I vas tinking mebby we go out to eat tonight. Biu? Biu? Gustav: Dee vind blew hard. Biu flew away. Tom: Where? Georg: *pointing* He's stuck on dat chimney. Tom: Tobi! Biu's stuck on a chimney again!
Me: Tom, zeig mir deine Schwanz und ich zeige dir meine Pflaume! Nur nicht erzählen Gustav!
Me: Is it gonna snow?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Arschgefickte Scheiße!
Mom: What?
Me: It means "Oh darn"
Me: Yes, I went to Hogwarts but I transferred to Pigfarts during my last year. Rumbleroar is SOOOO much better than Dumbledore *flails and slides out of my chair and across the floor*
Me: Ahhhh! The elevator music in my therapist's office is playing This I Promise You by NSYNC. So to freak out the other patients, I'm singing along... in Spanish!
Me: I cursed my cat out. You have to understand that he was totally asking for it.
I have to keep my bedroom door shut or it won't get warm in my room. Skylar likes to play this game. He'll stand at the door and meow loudly. If I ignore him, he'll slide both his paws down my door and then meow some more. I get up and let him in and he'll stand there and look at me like, "Oh, were you going somewhere?" After I usher him in, he'll chill out for a few minutes and then stand at the door and meow to get out. After 30 or so times of playing this game with him, I finally was at my wit's end! He had JUST come in the room. I had JUST sat back down and I hear, "RAAUU!" (because that's how me meows). I jumped up and yelled, "SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!!! YOU BETTER HAVE SOME IMPORTANT FUCKING BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO OUT THERE OR I'M RIPPING YOUR VOCAL CORDS OUT THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLE! YOU BETTER BE GLAD I HAVE TO PISS!!!!"
So, you see? He was totally asking for it.
And what did my yelling accomplish? Not shit. He didn't even glance at me as I was yelling and 10 minutes later he was meowing at my door to get back in.
Raluca: Just don't let him in.
Me: His meow is HORRIBLY LOUD so if I don't let him in, he wakes up the entire house. Mind you, he doesn't do this if we're sleeping. If my light is out and I'm in bed, he minds his own business. He thinks he's gonna miss something when my light is on. It's like he thinks I'm gonna be sneaking people in my bedroom window and having a rave that he's not invited too. He has to keep checking in on me.
Me: You can't get the chinchilla wet.
Mike B: Why not?
Me: Because he'll multiply.
Mike B: *bursts out laughing* Dumbass.
Me: We can't feed him after midnight either.
Me: I don't care if his name is... I dunno... Tupac! He's hot!
Me: Would it be considered a song? He doesn't sing.
Matt G: I think it's a single.
Me: Music?
Matt G: Noise.
Me: That works.
Matt G: Or Tribal chant.
Lindsay H: Is my piss hurting you?
*She meant to say: Is my purse hitting you?*
Phillip: Todd and I are gonna start an organization to give mirrors to the less fortunate. It's gonna be called the "What the fuck were you thinking?!" fund.
I hate that my mom's mind is going but I love the fact that it replaces common words with nonsensical words.
Mom: Carrie, put the squiggly-wigglies in the fridge.
Me: o.O Squiggly-wigglies?
Mom: *points to the Diet Mt. Dew cans*
Josh was about to play his PS3 but he had to switch the TV to video mode. The front of the TV said: FRNT
Me: FRNT? Fuckin' Red Ninja Turtle.
Mom: I saw one of the weirdest, oddest things today.
Me: Yourself in the mirror naked?
While discussing how much of the bed they get:
Mom: *pointing to my dad* He gets three quarters. I only get a quarter.
Me: Wow, Mom! You're a cheap prostitute!
Me: I changed the name of my wifi today. I'm digging the fact that it's now called Pretty Fly For A WiFi.
Dad's cell phone starts ringing from across the room:
Mom: What does that mean?!
I went to the bathroom door while my mom was showering to tell her something.
Mom: What do you want?
Me: *sarcastically* To join you for a tea party.
Mom: I'd rather have a Coke party. *meaning the soda*
Me: Shall I invite Charlie Sheen?
There was a Native American on TV talking about a vision he had.
Mom: Stop smoking that stuff and you'll stop having visions.
Dad: What stuff?
Mom: Pie-oat or something.
Me: Peyote.
Mom: No, that's not it.
Me: Yes, it is! It's Peyote.
Mom: Wrong.
Me: *sigh*
Me: I know I've said this before but I don't think you realize how serious I am about it. I REALLY want a vampire to sneak in my room tonight and turn me. Stop laughing! I'm serious!
Me: I don't know who has the voodoo doll of me but I get the point. You don't like me. Could you please stop stabbing it in the left knee repeatedly? It hurts like a bitch!
Mom: *to the dog* You're a good kitty that barks!
Me: I wonder what flavor milkshake brings the most boys to my yard. I need to experiment.
Eddy: Jesus, hit the brake! I got the wheel!
Me: Is that a frog or a duck?
Eddy: It's a tractor.
Eddy: That's why we never have any money! We're always spending it. But we're happy!
Eddy: I really believe we evolved from monkeys.
Me: Vandersloot!
Eddy: You're pulling my underhair arm!
Saundra: Eddy's the macho man.
Me: When did this happen?
Jordan: And some junk.
Eddy: We can cut out Blockbuster and ice cream. Wait! No! Not ice cream!
Justin: Tarantulous!
Phillip: Why do I have so many ones?
Eddy: Because your five had babies!
Justin: Holla-la-la-la-la-laaaaa!
Me: You know whaaat? Fahck yooooou!
Me: If they just absolutely have to look at boobs they can do it on their own computers at home, invest in a hustler magazine or get fat and grow some moobies.
Me: Look! He's trying to teach her how to read!
Me: *clutches food* My precious!
Justin: He must be on some fairy crack!
Me: You wanna ride in my hoopty, doopty loopty?
Me: *wakes up in the middle of the night* Graycie! Will you KINDLY quit walking on me?!
Eddy: *runs from the kitchen* OHMYGOD! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!
Eddy: Nu-uh, Brandon. You can't shake this shit off!
Eddy: You'll be strong.
Me: *so drunk I slid off the bench we're sitting on*
Eddy: Carrie, where are you going?
Me: No-wah!
Me: Nu-uh, BITCH!
Me: BEEEITCH!
Eddy: *while high at Walmart, watching the groceries move on the conveyor belt* Where are they going?!
Me: Chewy Sprees?!
Kevin: You know what Asians wear around their necks?
Me: Enlighten me.
Kevin: Bring bring!
Me: That's racist.
Kevin: I'm Asian though so it cancels out.
Me: How did you go from joke to math? Who does that?
Kevin: Asians.
Me: I have rainbow pride with rims.
Me: Is this a Jesus song?
Caroline: All up in the flavor and don't even know the Kool-Aid. Wait. That is the wrong way, right?
Me: I was talking to Carrie. Not myself but another Carrie. Why are you laughing?
Me: Don't fuck with a crazy white bitch when she got a shoe in her hand!
Me: I'm not entirely sure what a "happy camper" is but I'm quite certain that I'll never be one. I fucking hate camping!
Me: My phone turned itself off. It wasn't even dead. It was just like, "I'm fuckin' tired, yo!" And shut down.
Me: *yelling at the cats who were fighting* STOP IT! THIS IS NOT WRESTLE-MANIA!
My mom, dad and I were watching an old Western about a boy named Dick whose mother was very harsh on him and wouldn't allow him to go play with Joey because Joey was an orphan. The mother was being particularly rude to Dick.
Dad: Reminds you of your mom, huh Carrie?
Me: Yep. She's always so mean to me!
Dad: She's always yelling and won't let you go outside.
Me: All I wanna do is go outside and play with dick but she won't let me!
Mom: I bet you wanna go outside and play with dick!
Mom: You're obsessed.
Me: And I'm okay with that.
Me: My water bottle broke. RIP R3H2O.
Nicole: Why did you name it that?
Me: It's a play off of Star Wars' R2D2 and C3PO. On the side of my water bottle it said: "Reduce, Recycle, Reuse" So R3 and then it's a water bottle so it holds H2O.
Me: *yelling at the cats for fighting* SKYLAR! STOP CHEWING ON CODY! HE IS NOT BEEF JERKY!
Me: Josh just text'd. They're on their way home from the beach. *long silence so I switched to my high voice* Oh really, Carrie? That's fascinating! *normal voice* Yes, indeed. It IS fascinating! *high voice* We're so glad you told us! *normal voice* Hey, it's what I do. I'm just happy to be able to relay the message.
Mom: Who are you talking to?
Me: *yells* YOU!
Mom: I thought you were talking to yourself.
Me: Why would I need to loudly announce to myself that Josh just text'd me?
Forty minutes later
Me: Josh isn't coming home tonight.
Ten minutes later
Dad: Is Josh coming home tonight?
Mom: I dunno.
Me: I thought I killed a fairy last night.
Josh: What?!
Me: I was sitting on my bed watching Gnomeo and Juliet and I saw something white flash in front of me. It looked like a thin line of light. I sat there for a few minutes trying to decide if I really saw it and gave up when I didn't see anything else. A few minutes later, there was a light green thing crawling on my leg. My immediate reaction was to hit it and it fell off my leg and onto the floor. As soon as I did it my mind went, "OMG! That was the white light looking thing. OMG DID I JUST KILL A FAIRY?!?!?!" I had to inspect it closely and thankfully it was some form of flying grasshopper looking thing and NOT Tinkerbell.
Me: My head's starting to go away.
Josh: Really?
Me: Headache! Not head!
Later on...
Me: What flavor are those incense?
Josh: They don't have a flavor!
Me: Scent! I meant scent!
Me: Ugh! If I'm gonna have cottonmouth like this, I should at least be granted a nice high or a wicked trip or something!
Mom: You need money if you want a screw.
Me & Josh: *burst out laughing*
Mom: I mean, that if you want a screw, you have to pay for it!
Me: Yeah, prostitutes usually require money.
Mom: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! A SCREW! AN ACTUAL SCREW!
Me: Have you ever taken a moment to think and realized that the pain in your ass was actually someone fucking you over repeatedly?
Alex:You have such beddazzling tits, even mosquitos can't wait to get into your pants!
Harley: *barking at the front door*
Mom: Harley, be quiet! You'll wake the baby.
Me: We don't have a baby.
Mom: He doesn't know that.
Me: *picks up a candle* This candle is "Jump for Joy" scented. That's a scent?
Josh: Apparently.
Me: *sniffs and then jumps* Wow. It works.
Josh: *laughing* Whatever.
Me: Smell it! *holds it under Josh's nose*
Josh: *smells it*
Me: You didn't jump for joy.
Josh: *suddenly jumps*
Me: Delayed reaction?
Josh: No. Time release.
My mom got a new credit card in the mail today.
Me: *grabs it* Oooh! Shiny new Visa!
Mom: *snatches it away* No. This has $4000 on it and you're not having it.
Me: There's a lot I could do with $4000! *turns to walk to my room*
Mom: Uh, excuse me!
Me: *turns back to her confused*
Mom: The card!
Me: What card?
Mom: My Visa!
Me: What about it?
Mom: Give it back!
Me: Mom, it's in your hand.
Mom: *looks down* Oh.
My dad and I are both allergic to corn. Dad was making popcorn.
Me: If you can't eat corn then how can you eat porn?
Dad: What?!
Me: POPCORN! NOT PORN!
Mom: Could you pour me a little Dr...
Josh: Yes, nurse. What would you like?
Mom: Dr. Pepper. You're as much as a smartass as Carrie.
Me: Josh, go to bed.
Josh: Why?
Me: It's after midnight. *pause and grins slowly before singing* And something evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart. *dancing in my seat* You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it. You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes. You're paralyzed. *belts out* 'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER!!!! THRILLER NIGHT!!!
My cats (Cody and Skylar) fight sometimes. They don't actually cat fight but rather Skylar will walk over to Cody and just start gnawing on his ear or the back of his neck and vice versa.
Skylar: *walks over to Cody, bites his neck and won't let go*
Me: Skylar!
Skylar: *ignores me*
Me: SKYLAR!
Skylar: *ignores me*
Me: SKYLAR THOMAS!!! Stop chewing on your brother!!
Skylar: *takes two quick steps away from Cody*
Me: Why do you do that? He's not a delicacy! He's a cat. *pause* Which is a delicacy in some countries. *pause* But we don't live in that country, so STOP!
Me: This girl came into class today...
Kevin: Yeah?
Me: And that's what she did.
Mike B: Carrie, give me four words that rhyme.
Me: Chicken, Lickin', Prestidigitation, and Generation.
Mike B: I can't make a song out of those words!
Me: Then obviously you're not a good song writer.
Mike B: That makes me unique.
Me: Only if 'unique' is a synonym for 'completely stupid'.
Me: Blueberry is my favorite color!
Me: Isn't part of attraction being attracted to their appearance? When people ask, "What first attracted you to her?" The answer is always, "Her eyes" or "Her beauty". It's never "Her ability to conjugate a verb" or "Her level of intelligence".
Me: Professor Brown is killing me!
Michelle: I know! He's so damn boring!
Me: You missed it yesterday. He taught us how to add. To ADD for fuck's sake! He gave us the phrase to remember how to approach an equation. "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sarah". It stands for Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition and Subtraction. I came up with my own phrase. "Please excuse the fact that I've lapsed into a coma." It stands for, "Please excuse the fact that I've lapsed into a coma."
Michelle: There's something fuzzy over there! I can FEEL it!
Professor Brown: I have three or four kids.
Me: You're unsure of this? You're our MATH teacher but you don't have the ability to count the number of kids you've helped to conceive and raise?
Me: There is a town somewhere out in this big ol' United States called Wackenhut. I would not want to live there. It sounds too masturbatory. What's that over there? Oh, that's just the Wackenhut. That's where all the single men to go "relieve stress".
Kevin: Have you ever tasted Tiger Sauce?
Me: What does it taste like?
Kevin: Tigers.
Me: What do tigers taste like?
Kevin: They're ggggggggreat!
Me: Hang on, there's someone at the door.
Kevin: In my pants.
Kyle: I'm gonna hit you so hard, you're gonna contemplate relieving yourself where you stand.
Kyle: Help control the pet population... eat them.
Kyle: For fuck's sake, Tom!
Kyle: It's my wound.
Me: You should name it.
Kyle: It had a name. Albert. It was removed. Rest in peace, Albert.
Me: Then it should be named "the place formerly known as Albert."
Andrew: *jumps in the pool and splashes my face*
Me: Thanks, Andrew!
Andrew: You don't want to get wet in the pool?
Jared: That's the first thing I'm doing Wednesday.
Tom: Going to Vegas?
Regina: I have a shark tooth necklace at home for free.
Phillip: Was it free for the shark?
Phillip: We got hit by Slumdog Millionaire!
Jermain: I just saying you fried potatoes is ready, massa!
Phillip: You're putting stuff where it doesn't belong. *pause* Which is what I said.
Talking shit to my ex-husband about his new girlfriend.
Peter: It doesn't count if you pay her.
Me: Yes, Hannah. I'm gonna drive to Fayetteville and kill him.
Hannah: I guess I'll go to court by myself.
Me: Not "don't kill him" but "I'm gonna go to court by myself"?
Hannah: Oh yeah! That too.
Josh: Do it! I dare you!
Me: It's baking! Hold on!
Me: *sigh* I wish I could drive the Dairy Queen home.
Phillip: He's like a port-a-potty. Occupied. Except the port-a-potty has less diseases.
Jared: Eff them in the A with a big ol' D!
Hannah: *out of nowhere* Miningitis!
Hannah: I like My Chemical Romance better.
Matt P: Fuck My Chemical Romance! I like my band better! I'm the only member!
Hannah's dad: *yawns loudly*
Me: Hannah, your house is haunted and the ghost is bored.
Hannah: *rolls down the car window and asks a total stranger* Excuse me, can you throw this in the trash for me?
Me: I wish I had that thing in my car so we could listen to the iPod on the way.
Hannah: We should bring my iPod! Oh wait.
Me: Hannah, slow down! I'm fat! I'll have a heart attack!
Hannah: If you have a heart attack, I know CPR.
Me: I don't want to have one but thanks anyway.
Hannah: *talking about the Mustang in front of us*
Me: *as I'm coughing* I'm choking!
Hannah: Oh. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I got this.
Hannah: That Mustang has a good sense of direction.
Jared: Top of the muffin to ya!
We used to have a TV channel that played music all day. You could text the channel with messages for your friends. If there were too many people texting the channel, you'd get a text back that said, "Volume too high at the moment. Try again later." Peter wanted me to text the channel to see it work.
Me: It's saying "volume too high".
Peter: *was turning the volume of the TV up, he throws the remote down* How does it know?!
Jared: So who are you and who are you trying to fuck?
Peter was laughing at something that wasn't really funny for a solid 3 minutes
Me: After a while of being untreated, doesn't syphilis turn into dementia?
Peter: Yeah.
Me: You should really get that checked out.
Jared: Aristocrat Vodka is so cheap it should be on a date with Peter right now.
Jared: Peter, I love you. Love everything about you. I wanna be you for Halloween.
Phillip: Where's Matt?
Me: He's in the library doing some more on his project.
Phillip: He's doing some moron in the library?
Me: *laughs* No! *Peter walks out the door* Peter, where are you going?
Phillip: To the library to be Matt's moron.
Dana: Oh! Did I tell you? I found my teeth!
Jared: Which one is Eddy? You mean the one that looks like a bag full of Aids? You know, like if you took a bag and stuff it with Aids and shook 'em all up?
Jared: Oh Carrie, you're my favorite gay man.
Me: *shouts aloud in Taco Bell* Ukuleles for everyone!
Jared: *after one of Peter's LONG ASS STORIES* What just happened? I feel older now.
Peter rearranged his room and it looked like an office from outside his bedroom door.
Peter: I could run a business in here!
Me: I don't think Office Depot will put "cocksucker" on a business card.
Jordan: Carrie, you're a retard.
Me: I'm not a retard!
Jordan: You're a sexy retard!
Me: Okay!
Me: Phillip! Emergency! Come quick!
Phillip: What's wrong?!
Me: I peed on my tail!
Me: I like to flirt.
Phillip: I like to flirt too.
Me: Flirt sounds like the French word for fart.
Phillip: I flirted.
Me: I ate some crepes and flirted.
Matt G: Now I want a PB&J.
Me: He doesn't have any PB.
Phillip: I have the B&J!
Matt G: *sings* Aaaaaaaaaah Iiiiiiiii farted!
Ryan: Am I hurting you? I'm not doing it too hard am I?
Matt G: I don't want to stay with Sarah Palin! What?! I mean to say Hannah!
Phillip: I don't want to go to work.
Me: Call in sick. You can tell them you have...
Phillip: Mesothelioma?
Jessie: I'm gonna gangbang your ass! Ka-BAM!
Jessie: OH MY GOD! LET'S EAT STUFF!
Phillip: Eddy, what's wrong with your toe? Other than it being YOUR toe.
Matt G was complaining about having to sit through his History of Jazz class listening to old Jazz music
Me: When the next song comes on, you should jump up and shout, "This is my shit, yo!!" And do the booty dance. Crank dat Louis Armstrong!
Matt G: *talking about Peter being a whore* He loves me. And Christian. And Eric. And Mike...
Me: Peter got dating and the directions for using shampoo confused. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. They just never tell you when to stop!
Matt G: *starts his car not realizing he forgot to turn the volume down* HOLY SHIT!!!!!!
Me: Just so you know, no one goes in the "out" hole. I'm a bottom by default but my ass is still off limits.
Professor El: Earlierly.
Me: I'm elated that you're not with him anymore.
Matt G: Belated?
Me: No, elated! I'm not late, I'm happy!
Father Karras: *in the movie The Exorcist* What was my mother's maiden name?
Regan: *vomits on him*
Me: How would you spell that?
Phillip: You forgot to dot the i! *spits*
Me: *talking about Phillip's dogs* Someone's vomiting! *pause* OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S EATING IT!
Dumbass on the internet: Have you allowed your son to drink from a straw or are you scared it'll turn him gay? How is this any different from women who think a man is gay if he drinks a fruity drink?
Me: What do drinking from straws and fruity drinks have to do with homosexuality? My son drinks from a straw and isn't homosexual. I also allow him to eat hotdogs. I guess I'm just living on the edge. I think I'd be more concerned over his sexuality if my son enjoyed a nice deep dicking in his ass.
Devon: Pee-pee nips!
Matt G: My ass is your vag.
Laura: I don't want you to ever spread my ass cheeks.
Josh: I have not been hopping anything! Wait, what?
Mom: *reading the synopsis of a movie* ... Investigate the death of a man who was found at the bottom of an empty bowl. Empty bowl?
Me: Mom, that says 'pool'.
Mom: That makes more sense.
Me: Apparently he ate waaaaay too much.
Phillip: At the smorgasbord?
Matt G: You should get a dog.
Me: What would I name it?
Matt G: You should name it.... huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhu.
Me: You should come to Di'Gioia's and eat with me.
Matt G: Where?!
Me: Di'Gioia's.
Matt G: Where?!?!
Me: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhu!!!
Matt G: That's what is sounds like you were saying!
Me: Ow! My fallopian tube!
Me: I can perform marriages, funerals, baptisms, last rites and I can start my own church.
Mike D: Wow. The Church of Ba'Gockin.
Me: Welcome to the ghetto.
Matt G: We're in the ghetto now?
Me: Yep and *points to a guy on a bike* he's the mayor.