You Don't Love Me
I veered my car into an empty parking space at the local park. I automatically reached for the keys and turned them to silence the motor. I sat with both hands firmly gripping the steering wheel in front of me. My eyes darted over the objects in my path, but remained unfocused. I could still feel his presence seated next to me on the passenger side of the car. My mind formed many words and phrases, but none seemed intelligent enough for a coherent a sentence.
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What a beautiful moment
The truth comes out at last
Once your heart would own me forever
Then this passed
I heard him sigh and stir to change positions in his seat. I couldn't force myself to look at him. My chest ached with a burning sensation unlike any other. I felt as if I was being buried alive. It was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. I removed my left hand from the wheel of the car and hit the button to open the automatic window allowing a faint breeze to blow through the car's interior. I inhaled deeply as my head swam. Nausea hit me in waves. I felt high, but not your typical euphoric high. This was a high you'd experience had you taken too much of a certain drug. An overdose.
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And what a beautiful moment
As my head comes apart
Drunk and in a manner of saying wasted
"Are you gonna be okay?"
I jumped as the sound of his voice pierced the silence. I took a deep breath and finally turned to look at him.
His face was etched with concern as he watched me. I felt a searing pain in my stomach and bit my lower lip as it began to tremble.
He continued, "I'm sorry. Really I am. I just think it would be best for both of us if we just remain friends."
I lowered my eyes, no
longer able to look at him.
Because you don't love me
You don't love me
You can't see how
I matter in this world
My eyes were stinging as the tears began to form. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the tears to subside. They stubbornly forced their way through my closed eyelids. I hastily wiped them away with the back of my right hand. I drew a ragged breath before I attempted to speak. "I suppose friends is better than nothing."
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Even though I love you
You can't believe that
If you find something you think might make you happy
Then I guess it's okay
I think it's okay
If you go away
He smiled at me. "There are still good times to be had. It's not like I'm going away. We're just ending a relationship, that's all."
I
was almost positive he wasn't aware of the absurdity of those words. He had been my life support for the past year, and now he felt
it best to rip the carpet out from under me. Did he not realize the effects gravity would have on me because of those actions? I had
fallen deeply for him, and this kind of shock to my system would take quite a while to overcome, if at all possible.
Blown right out of my senses
I did not know what to do
Lost and badly wanting someone to see me through
That's why I needed you
I had to accept the facts. I had to face reality. It was over. In that one instant, I'd lost all my happy thoughts. I lifted my hand and
turned the keys to ignite the engine of the car. I slowly backed out of the parking space and pointed the car in the direction of his
house. I flipped the radio on in hopes of focusing my attention on something other than the dull ache that had formed behind my
eyes. The ride to his house was silent, with the exception of a cruel love song that spewed from the car's speakers. I pulled into his
drive, and he kissed me on the cheek before opening the door and stepping out. "I'll call you later, okay?"
I nodded as he shut the
door and made his way to the front door of his house. I watched him disappear behind the wooden door, then slowly backed out of
the drive.
But you don't love me
You don't love me
You can't see how
I matter in this world
The tears now flowed freely down my cheeks. I drove around aimlessly, listening to random songs on the radio. I simply allowed my mind to wander. I finally steered the car down the familiar path to my house. The car's engine fell silent in the drive, and I wasted no time in collecting my things to take inside with me. I fumbled with my keys to unlock the house. I stepped inside the door and tossed my keys on the bookshelf in the foyer. I dropped my belongings on the couch and made my way into the bedroom. I fell into bed, still fully dressed, and buried myself in my blankets. I let sleep take over my body.
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Even though I love you
You can't believe that
You think that leaving is what will make you happy
Then I guess it's okay
I think it's okay
If you go away
The shrill ring of the phone woke me with a start. I sat up and rubbed my eyes to help maintain focus. I reached for the phone and checked the caller ID. It was him. For a moment, the pain had been forgotten. My heart fluttered like it normally did when I'd talk to him or see his face. Of course, it was short-lived. The pain of reality crashed down upon me. I sighed as new tears sprang up in my eyes. "It can go to voice mail," I thought. I placed the phone back in its cradle and melted back into my blankets.
----------------Because you don't love me
----------------lyrics © "You Don't Love Me" by Matthew Sweet
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.