Trust Me

It's amazing how one word, being so small, can carry such an enormous burden. For some, trust comes easily. They never doubt it and often take it for granted. They are the ones who haven't had that trust betrayed. They're green to the cruelties of today's society and the people in it, so they tend to give their trust freely. I, on the other hand, guard mine with sword and shield. The trepidation of having it wounded again is too much to bear.

People don't value emotions anymore. Emotions are just as easily disregarded as a sneeze. Even a sneeze will get an occasional, "Bless you," out of some stranger in the mall or a grocery store. I've seen times where I would sit alone in a crowded place with tears streaming down my face, and passersby would look, but quickly avert their eyes to avoid contact with mine. Woe be it unto them to have to take time to stop and ask, "What's wrong?" They're late getting back to work, or they don't wanna miss that sale, or they can hear Starbucks calling their names and they must not ignore the need for a Double Espresso Mocha Java with extra caffeine.

I kept my trust closely tucked away and padlocked. No one was allowed in until the day he walked into my life. I didn't know it then, but somewhere buried deep in that 6'1" frame of his lay the key to unlocking that trust. It's still a mystery to me how he was able to gain access to that heavily guarded area, but I'll forever think of him as my own personal 007.

Now don't get me wrong, he didn't just repel down the side of a mountain and sweep me off my feet in one swift instant. Although it was fate or destiny that we met, it's taken nearly 3 years for him to overcome the obstacles that were set up around my hidden trust. I suppose I should start off by telling you a bit about our history.

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It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

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The first time my eyes were blessed with his appearance was when he and a friend, in an attempt to triumph over boredom, traipsed into the video store I was employed with. I can still remember the clothes he wore and the way he smelled that day. My heart literally skipped a beat or two when I looked up and saw his green eyes staring down at me. I had never been in the presence of an angel before that moment, but there he was, in all his glory (minus the wings). My mouth went dry, my knees went weak. I turned into a stuttering moron. I didn't say much to him for fear of saying something completely stupid, or drooling down the front of my shirt.

After a dare from a coworker, I gathered my imaginary balls in one hand and a slip of paper with my phone number on it in my other hand and gave it to the boy. I remember I couldn't even look him in the face after that day, especially since he never called. I don't know whether I was more embarrassed or angry. Not at him, never at him, but at myself for thinking he'd be interested in me.

Fast forward a year and a half later. I had moved in with a high school friend and was happy living as a bachelorette. I had put thoughts of him on hold as I struggled daily to cope with the responsibilities of life. He was almost a distant memory until my roommate invited her friend over one autumn day. The friend decided to bring her boyfriend, who decided to bring his brother, who just happened to be my video store angel-boy.

On this night is when fate decided to step in and work her magic. After an accident in the front yard, my roommate's friend was rushed to the hospital's emergency room with a severely sprained ankle, which meant I was left to entertain the boyfriend and angel-boy in the waiting room of the ER during the graveyard shift. We had our first of very many conversations that night. I didn't know it then, but we had planted the seed that was soon to blossom into a beautiful friendship. He and I talked on the phone every night from that moment on, and my weekend just wasn't complete without a visit from him. This is when things started to get out of control.

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The smile on your face let's me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

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I fell in love with angel-boy. I didn't want to, really I didn't, but there I was, drowning in a sea of hearts and flowers and all things pleasant. That's when he threw a curve ball at me. He had moved in with my roommate and I, and we shared, not only a bedroom, but a bed. One night after talking and just being 'us', he decided it was the right time, the right place, and he chose me as the right person to announce his homosexuality.

I have never felt a pain that cut so deep into my core. I struggled to fight back the tears that welled up in my eyes. What kind of friend would I be if I threw myself on the bed bawling at my poor luck when he'd just confessed his deepest secret to me? It took every ounce of energy I had to comfort him when, deep inside, all I wanted to do was scream. I had won his trust and I couldn't betray that by turning my back on him in anger that I, myself, was ill equipped.

I had never entertained the thought of being a man, but at that one instant I would have given up everything in life for my fairy godmother to flutter into the room and wave her wand or fairy dust (or whatever fairy godmothers have) over me to make me be what he wanted. It was the first time in my 20-some-odd years that I hated that I was a woman.

I fell into a deep depression after that. I put on a façade for everyone, pretending that I was perfectly normal and happy when in all actuality, every time I saw him with another guy, my stomach twisted into knots and I held back the urge to vomit because they were making him happy, not me. I think all that changed after he moved in with his significant other and we were living 2 hours apart. I missed him immensely, and it was at that point when I realized his friendship meant more to me than I was giving it credit for. He moved back to town nearly 5 months later and having him back in my life was like a breath of fresh air. I never wanted to lose his friendship again.

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All alone I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

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This brings us to the present. He's in a relationship and I tend to, how should I say this? Spread the love? Call it a fear of commitment, if you will. Just the other day is what started the breaking down of barriers from around my cell block of trust. Jealousy reared its ugly head and caused a rift in our friendship. My inability to trust caused me to turn into my alter-ego, Bitch Girl.

I had grown accustom to seeing him being intimate with men, what I wasn't used to was seeing him be friendly with women. Fear of being replaced cause a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde effect in me. I was perfectly content when it was just him and me, but adding another woman into the picture sent me over the edge of sanity. My mind began to question my status in his life, and rather than come to him with this stress, I decided to sit and assume which in turn caused me to have this seething hatred for any girl whom he called a friend and spent any time with. I still wince when I see him hug, talk to, or dance with any girl who isn't me. I hold back the urge to slap them and say, "Do you mind?! He's my angel-boy! Hands off!"

What was wrong with me that I felt superior enough to claim ownership over him? It wasn't until a recent conversation with him that he revealed the root of the problem.

"Don't you trust me?"

It was those four words that completely changed my life. In all this time, I had held back and kept my trust from him, while at the same time, proclaiming my rank as 'best friend'. How could I call myself his friend or call him my friend when I hadn't opened up my trust to him? I couldn't believe my ignorance. I had made my trust ethereal to him. That's when my reality check cashed in. That night, I had to make things right. I took a step into the unknown. I allowed him to break down the walls surrounding my trust and opened myself to him completely. As frightening as it was, he made it all okay.

It's funny. All this time I've been searching for my soul mate to fall madly in love with, get married to, and have kids with. Reflecting on the definition of soul mate, I realize that I had it all wrong. We may never marry, we may never have kids together, and we may never fall madly in love with one another, but he's my soul mate. Trust me on this one.

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