She Misses Him
"Could this be a dream? No, he knew it wasn't a dream. This was the real deal. He was actually going to do this! He took a deep breath and felt a burning inside his lungs," Bryarly read from a book with the right amount of emotion that was intended by the author. She sighed as she closed the book and set it on Gustav's knee. "You really like this kind of book? Can't we read a good drama or romance next?" she paused, not expecting or receiving an answer. "I know. You like these thriller books."
Bryarly didn't reach for the book again. She instead grabbed a tissue from the box she kept handy. She carefully dabbed it across his forehead, her fingers traced his hairline. He'd need a haircut soon. She made a mental note get that done over the weekend.
"You're looking so good today, Gustav," she said softly as she set the tissue aside. Gustav stared blankly back at her, just as he had for the past few years. He heard her, and she knew he did, he just lacked the capacity to respond with anything more than a knowing look.
Bryarly gently tucked some hair behind his ear and smiled, "Where were we?" She retrieved the book and continued reading where she left off. She read until the end of the chapter, then yawned and marked the page. She'd finish the book in another few days if she read a chapter a day.
"Ugh, babe, these windows are looking gross in here. You can't even see out them. How'd we let that get so nasty?" She pushed herself from edge of the bed and retrieved the cleaner from the cabinet in the kitchen. As she was passing the refrigerator, she stopped and stared at one of the many pictures she had secured to the doors. She and Gustav had taken a cruise for their second wedding anniversary; despite the fact it was almost four months after the actual date. They had to wait for Gustav's tour to be completed. Since it was the final tour for Tokio Hotel, they wanted to make each show special.
Bryarly smiled at the picture, remembering how he'd used his limited knowledge of French to ask a local to take their picture as they stood at the water's edge. The picture was a little out of focus and completely off center, but she could still see his smile through the haze. That was the important thing; his smile. She missed his smile.
Emotions threatened to overcome her, so she shook her head and carried the cleaner and rag out to where Gustav was. She slipped between the reclined hospital bed and the wall before she cleaned the window to expose the manicured lawn. The clock in the hall chimed the hour and Bryarly smiled. Two o'clock on Saturday always meant one thing; Georg and Alanna would be there any minute.
"Hey, man! What's up?" Georg asked cheerfully as he let himself in the front door.
"Hi, Georg," Bryarly smiled and stood up.
"Hi, Bryarly. I brought donuts," he handed her a white bag with a smile.
"Thanks," Bryarly took the bag and quickly hugged Alanna, "Hi, Alanna, how was your week?"
"All I have to say is thank God for the weekend," Alanna laughed as she followed Bryarly into the kitchen. Georg flipped the TV on and pulled a chair over to Gustav's bed. The Saturday afternoon routine had started. Bryarly and Alanna would chat in the kitchen over coffee and donuts, while Georg watched television with Gustav in the other room. After the first few visits, Bryarly had learned to block out the sound of Georg's one-sided conversation with Gustav. The missing voice always made her sad.
"So, Gustav, check this out. I talked to Tom the other day, he's getting ready to-" Georg started as a sports announcer talked in the background.
Bryarly tuned out Georg's voice and focused Alanna, "You guys really don't have to come by every week. I know you have lives," Bryarly smiled weakly as she poured two cups of coffee and sat with her back to the refrigerator.
"We don't mind. Georg doesn't want to, I don't know, lose touch I suppose. He considers Gustav his brother, and he'd do anything for him. You know that."
"I know," Bryarly sighed. "I just don't want him to feel obligated."
"Bryarly," Alanna smiled with concern. "He doesn't feel obligated. He cares about both of you a lot."
Bryarly nodded and tried to hold back the tears that were stinging her eyes. It was becoming more and more difficult. "I know he does," she said softly.
"Next week, we're going to be up north visiting my family though," Alanna pulled her donut in half and took a bite. "Georg said something about coming by on Monday when we get back though."
"Okay," Bryarly nodded and took the other half of Alanna's donut. They talked about what was going on with Alanna and Georg. They had been together for five years, and it was looking like Georg might actually be warming up to the idea of settling down with her.
After a few hours, Georg came into the kitchen and ran his hands through his hair. "Can I help with anything, Bry?"
She shook her head slowly. "I'm doing well," she smiled and took a deep breath as she stood up. "I heard you guys are going up north next weekend. That's great. It's beautiful this time of year."
"Yeah," Georg nodded. "I'm going to try to come over on Monday though."
"Don't worry about it. We'll be fine," Bryarly forced a smile. "I hope you have a great time."
"We will. Thanks," Georg smiled and leaned against the kitchen door frame. "Do you want to come?"
Bryarly laughed lightly. "No. Thank you, but- No, I can't go."
"You have Respite Care, right? Have you ever used it?" Georg asked as he looked down at the keys in his hand.
Bryarly sighed. She'd had this conversation with so many people. She had it memorized. "Yes, we have Respite Care and, yes, I have used it." She poured her coffee into the sink and turned around. "I just don't like the idea of leaving for the weekend."
"Why, Bry? You need to get out."
"I get out," she said defensively.
"Bryarly," Georg looked up with sad eyes.
"I get out, Georg. Please don't worry about me."
"I wish you'd come with us," he tried one last time.
"Maybe- Maybe next time," Bryarly nodded, hoping he'd change the topic.
He paused for a second, and then shook his head, knowing she would never go. He took Alanna's hand and they headed for the door. "I'll give you a call later in the week, okay?"
"Okay. Thanks for coming by," Bryarly followed them to the door and watched them walk down the brick walkway. She stood there watching until their car was out of sight. She left the front door open as she went back to Gustav's side to turn the TV off.
"Georg can be a pain in the ass sometimes, you know?" she managed a tiny laugh before she noticed that his eyes were closed. "Sweet dreams, my angel," Bryarly whispered as she took his hand in hers. She raised his hand to her face and caressed the back of his hand against her cheek. She closed her eyes and smiled. The warmth of his hand transferred to her cheek. She wished he would just move his finger to let her know that he was still there.
Everyday she hoped for some kind of a sign, a little movement, anything to show that the Gustav she knew was still there somehow.
"Hey, Bryarly. It's Bill," she could hear the smile in his voice which only made her tears flow harder.
"H-hi, Bill," her voice cracked as she sniffed softly.
"What's wrong?" Bill asked quickly, immediately thinking the worst.
"Everything is falling apart, Bill. I can't do this any more," she sobbed as she sank to the floor in the corner of her room.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'm always fine," she cried. "This house is falling to pieces, and I can't fix everything all the time. Bill, I can't do this any more. I'm so tired of this."
He let her cry for a minute as they both felt helpless. "Bry, what happened?"
"The roof is leaking. I swear, Bill. Why does this keep happening? I mean, first the floors and now the ceiling. What's next? Termites?"
"Don't say that. They'll hear you and come attack," Bill tried to keep the mood light. He knew Bryarly was not one to exaggerate. "Where's the roof leaking?"
"In the kitchen by the back door," she said as she tried to catch her breath. Her bottom lip continued to tremble as the tears fell down her cheeks, "I called Juan and he said it was because the pipes in the bathroom upstairs are all original. That whole section needs to be replaced."
"Can he fix it?"
"Yeah," Bryarly sighed. "He's coming this weekend."
"Okay, Georg will be there to keep an eye on things, right?"
"They're up north visiting Alanna's family," she let out a deep breath as tears once again gathered in the corners of her eyes.
"What time is Juan coming?"
"I don't even know," Bryarly said softly.
"You wrote it down somewhere, Bry. I know you better than that," Bill smiled, hoping to make her do the same. "I'll come by in the morning and hang out until Juan's done. How's that?"
"You don't have to," Bryarly said out of habit.
"I know I don't," Bill answered automatically. Every time he offered to do anything for her, they always had the same exchange of routine answers. "How's everything else?"
Bryarly sniffed and wrapped her arms around her legs as she whispered, "I don't know, Bill. This is so hard."
"I know it is," he nodded. They all knew how hard it was for her. They'd been there every step of the way. "You're doing great."
"What if I can't do it anymore?" she whispered so softly Bill almost didn't hear her. It was as if she was trying to talk so that Gustav couldn't hear, although he was down the hall with a closed door between them.
Bill thought about his response carefully. She had held things together for two years since the accident. She devoted every hour of every day to Gustav, which is way more than should be asked of any wife. She was still young, barely thirty, yet in many ways she was older than any one. Bryarly had taken over caring for Gustav at the beginning because her grief was so powerful. She couldn't imagine leaving him in a residential facility to be cared for by strangers.
Her heart was in the right place, but it was more of a burden than she had imagined. "You're really doing great, Bryarly," Bill said after a minute. "We're all here to help you, and if you need to take a week off, do it. We'll take care of everything, and get a nurse to come in or whatever."
"I can't just leave for a week, Bill," she sighed. "Where would I go? And who with? There's nowhere I want to go if Gustav can't go with me and-" she let the sentence dangle. They both knew that wouldn't happen. "I don't have any friends, Bill. I haven't been social in two years."
"This is exactly why you need to go."
Bryarly closed her eyes tightly and inhaled deeply, "So I'll see you Saturday?"
Bill frowned with sadness. She always changed the subject when he brought up taking a break. "Yeah, I'll bring breakfast."
"Thanks, Bill."
"You're welcome, Bry," he nodded and waited for her to hang up. When she didn't, he asked, "Are you okay now?" She didn't answer. "Do you want me to come over?"
After another moment of silence she whispered, "No. Thanks, Bill," Bryarly hung up the phone and rested her cheek on her bent knees.
Bill arrived Saturday morning to find Bryarly standing on a step ladder washing the windows in the front of the house. "Hey, you," he smiled and shaded his eyes as he walked up the path. "What are you doing?"
"I'm washing the windows," Bryarly said without turning around.
"Where-" he began to ask where Gustav was. It was a habit he just couldn't seem to break. "Do you need some help?"
"I've got it," she tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and smiled at him. "Guess what?"
"What?" Bill leaned on the porch railing and watched her for a minute. He placed the bag of bagels he'd picked up on the step and smiled.
"He moved."
"He- He what?" Bill could barely speak with his jaw so close to the floor. "Gustav moved?"
"Yes, this morning," Bryarly dropped her paper towel onto the growing pile and jumped down. "I asked him if he remembered the cruise we went on and he nodded."
"He nodded?" Bill was astounded. The doctors had said that he may never move voluntarily again.
"His head tilted forward and he looked right at me," Bryarly laughed and tucked her hands in her pockets. "I know, I know. That's not a real nod, but he did it on command again. Come on, I'll show you," she pulled the screen door open and Bill followed only a step behind her, forgetting all about the food he brought.
"Gustav? Gustav, love, look who's here," she smiled as they entered the living room where his bed was set up. As usual, Gustav didn't seem to respond. She sat on the edge of his bed and motioned Bill over to stand beside her. "You know Bill, right? Nod your head if you do," she urged him on, but Gustav didn't move.
"It's okay, Bryarly," Bill said after a minute.
"No, just wait," Bryarly placed her hand on his arm to keep him there. "That was a dumb question, wasn't it? Of course you know Bill," she continued to smile as she reached for Gustav's hand. "Come on, lovey, just move your head a little bit. Show Bill how wonderful you are."
They waited another minute with no movement. Her smile fell, "Bry, it's okay. I'm sure he nodded for you."
"Just wait, Bill," Bryarly said softly.
Bill's heart crumbled as he saw her waiting for a reaction she would never get. Gustav would never be the man he was before. He would never be the same man who wooed her, or spun her around when they hugged, or whispered tender words in the night. Gustav was all he would ever be. The accident had robbed everyone of the life he had.
"Come on, Stav. Don't make a liar out of me," Bryarly said softly as she cast him a desperate look. "Can you look at me? Look at me, Gustav."
Gustav's eyes closed slowly and when he opened them again, he was staring right at Bill, surprising the younger man. His head dropped forward just the slightest. It was so slight that Bill wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't concentrating on Gustav's face.
"Whoa," Bill said softly. "Did you call the doctor?"
"He'll be out tomorrow," Bryarly laughed as tears came to her eyes.
"Wow," Bill laughed and kept staring at Gustav.
"He told me not to get my hopes up, but how can I not?"
"How can you not?" Bill echoed her words so softly she didn't hear. She was too focused on Gustav and the beating of her heart in her ears. "Wow."
Bill heard the bad news from Tom, and he knew Bryarly wouldn't want to call to share it. He waited two days before he grabbed the phone and dialed her number. "Hey, Bry," he tried to smile when she answered the phone.
"You heard?" she asked softly. Her hands were wrapped around the mug of coffee in front in an attempt to warm them, but the coldness never went away.
"Tom called, yeah," he nodded. "Listen, Bry, it's going to be okay."
"No, it's not. That was my last hope. He moved Bill, you saw it. You were there. He moved and the doctor said it was nothing."
"It was something, Bryarly. It was something to you."
"But it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he's getting better, and it doesn't mean he'll ever move again. One little movement in more than two years?" she sighed in despair, then bit her lip to keep from crying. "I guess it serves me right for getting my hopes up."
"There's nothing wrong with hoping, but- But you need to-" he didn't want to say 'move on' because that sounded too harsh, but he couldn't think of any other way to phrase it.
"Get over it?" she asked.
"No. That's not what I meant," Bill sighed and closed his eyes. "Bryarly, you have to go away this weekend."
"No, Bill."
"Yes, I can't take no for an answer anymore. It's not doing you any good to be here like this. You're going to make yourself crazy if you stay in this house for one more week."
"I can't leave, Bill."
"You have to."
"No, I've been here for the past two years. I can't just get up and leave," she argued softly.
"Bry, we love you. You know we do, and we're all just worried about you."
"I know you are, but I'm fine."
Bill sighed. She was far from fine. "I'm driving out to the shore on Saturday. Come with me."
"Bill," she sighed and rolled her eyes.
"It's just for the day and one night. It's not like I'm making you go for a week. It's just one day," he explained quickly. "We'll go, I'll run my errands, we can get some lunch, maybe go to the pier or something. I'll call Tom and have him come hang out at the house."
"That's not-"
"Tom can handle anything that comes up. You know he can."
"I know, but-"
"There's no good excuse for you to not come with me."
"I don't want to go," Bryarly said softly.
"Too bad."
"I don't like the shore."
"Bryarly," Bill took on a warning tone that parents used on their kids. "I'll be there Saturday morning at eight." He heard her sigh into the phone, but she didn't hang up. "Pack an overnight bag and be ready."
"I'm not going."
"Yes, you are, Bry," Bill smiled. "Because you know that if you just go this once we'll all stop bugging you."
Bryarly sighed again. If she was going to be honest with herself, what she was really concerned with was that she'd go and discover that she did like it. "Fine."
Bill broke out into a wide grin and knew he'd just won a small battle. The others would be thrilled to hear. "I'll see you Saturday."
"Okay," she nodded and lowered her chin to her chest.
"It'll be fine, Bry."
Bryarly sighed and said, "Yeah," and hoped it would.
When Bill arrived Saturday morning, he let himself in the side door. "Bry?" he kept his voice low so not to wake Gustav if he was sleeping. "Bryarly?"
No one answered, so he figured she was upstairs in her room still packing. She procrastinated more than Gustav ever did, which made them a perfect fit. Bill smiled and hopped up the stairs to the second floor, then down the hall to her room. "Biene, are you up here?" he smiled as he used her nickname from years before.
Her bedroom was light and airy with the morning breeze coming in through the open window. Bryarly's suitcase was sitting on the bed opened, and it even looked halfway packed. "You're worse than Gustav ever was," Bill said under his breath. "Bry?" He tapped on the door frame.
When she still didn't answer, he sighed and headed down the stairs again to try and find her. He stomped on the stairs so that if she was in the house she wouldn't be startled if he walked in on her. Bill passed through the kitchen again, and then pushed the door open to the font room of the house where he stopped.
Bryarly was there with Gustav. The hospital bed was in its usual place near the window, laying almost completely flat with the monitors close enough to touch. Bill bit his lip as he saw Bryarly's shoulders shake with sobs as she pulled Gustav's arm tighter around her. She was curled up beside him on the narrow bed. She had pushed his legs to the side to make room for her. Her head was resting on his chest and her hand held two things; his free hand that had been pulled around her shoulder, and a wrinkled picture.
From where he was standing, Bill couldn't make out the faces, but he knew what it was. Their wedding picture was never far from Bryarly's grasp, and over the years, it had been handled often. She sniffed again and squeezed her eyes shut against the light coming in through the window in front of her.
Bill stood motionless by the door as his heart tightened in his chest. For the first time since the accident, he understood why she wanted to be there all the time, to be within sight of Gustav forever.
"She misses him," Bill whispered softly as he let the door swing shut, and let them be.