The Muses Within

Finding Myself

There are friends we can't imagine living without.

I think I read that somewhere but I'm not sure I really believe it. I like my friends. No, I love my friends. I just never considered the thought that I couldn't live without them. I actually view most of my friends as temporary. In this industry you have to be wary of the people you surround yourself with. One has to be extremely guarded when it concerns the people you let in to be a friend. Then, of course, I have the guys. I know I couldn't live without them but they're more than just friends. They're my brothers, Tom is literally, but none of that matters.

It takes something of great significance, or something you may think is insignificant at the time which actually turns out to be of great significance, to make you really understand how fine the line of friendship is drawn. There are actually friends that we can't imagine living without. It took me a weekend, 48 hours to be exact, to come to that realization.

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It was Friday night. I can't be sure of the exact time but it was some time around 8 pm. I was home. No make-up, no fancy clothes, no jewelry, just me. I'd had a busy week between interviews, endless hours at the studio, signings, meetings. I was more than ready for a quiet weekend. I'd committed myself to some event for a random organization that would assuredly change the world. I had to be there early in the morning and I wasn't looking forward to it. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that after that event I would have nothing more to do until Monday morning. Then it was back to the interviews, studio hours, signings and meetings. My life.

I'd just moved into my house. I hadn't familiarized myself with it yet. I'd lived there for seven months but couldn't mentally envision most of the rooms. I simply never ventured into them. I was a single man living in a ten room house. That was entirely too much space for one person. It was more space than I could ever use. The rooms weren't exactly bare but I hadn't been home long enough to really decorate. I walked around aimlessly as I tried to acclimate myself with the layout, the scents and the atmosphere of each room.

I entered my sitting room. Besides my bedroom, this was the room I used most often. I ran my hand down the back of my couch and noticed the DVDs I had rented earlier in the week. "Damn." They were due to be returned before midnight. I checked my watch. I was not about to get dressed just to return the DVDs to the rental store. I was already dressed for bed. It wasn't until that moment that I was grateful for the inventor of the drive-up drop-off boxes. I could return the DVDs in my sweat pants, T-shirt and bare feet.

I heard the thump of the DVDs hitting the bottom of the box and hit the button to roll my window back up. The night air was cool and damp. I sighed as I gripped the steering wheel with both hands. It had been such a long week; a long week preceded by three long months, preceded by five long years.

I leaned my head back against the seat as my eyes fluttered shut. A car pulled up behind me and blew their horn to put me back into motion. I headed out of the parking lot and turned left. Left was the opposite direction from home. I needed to drive. I needed to think. Music spewed from the car's speakers. The melody was familiar. I had spent hours, days, weeks perfecting the sound.

"Whoa, whoa. They're telling me it's beautiful. I believe them but will I ever know the world behind my wall?" They were my words. I wrote them. I sang them. I believed them.

I put a CD in the car's player as the car veered onto the freeway. A simple green sign pointed me in the direction I was going. A haunting melody pierced the air. As Poe's voice flowed through the car I immediately thought of Aeryn. It had been a while since I'd spoken with her. Two years or more. It had been longer since I'd seen her. As my life had gone on it's chaotic path toward stardom, she'd been lost along the way.

There has always been something about driving in a car alone that creates a blank canvas on which to think. Nothing specific came to mind. I was just free to think. Thinking was an act that was almost foreign to me. I hated to admit that I was stuck on 'automatic' most of the time. I was doing things I knew had to be done. I answered the same questions from countless people. No one ever challenged me with something original. When I was actually forced to think, it was all about work.

I stopped for petrol when the needle dipped into the red. I wasn't sure where I was. I really didn't care. I pulled out my credit card. I was thankful I didn't have to interact with anyone. I could just slide my card into the pump and be done with it. I filled my car up and got back in my car to continue with my journey to wherever I was headed. The clock on the dash glowed 1:26 pm. I had driven for three hours with no terminus or purpose. Poe still played softly in the background. I thought about the event commitment. I would have to turn around immediately if I wanted to make it there in time. An exit was coming up on my right. I stared at it without moving to turn on my blinker. Everything in life breaks down into choices. Either you stay or you go, you say it or you don't, you fight or you run.

There were no cars around me. I could have sat there for ten minutes trying to decide what to do. Going back would mean that, in four hours, I'd be standing at the event, hot under my clothes, sweat running down my back, flashes from hundreds of cameras blinding me but wearing a smile through it all. I would leave there and shower. I'd spend the rest of the weekend hiding away in my house. I never really had privacy anymore. It was the illusion of privacy. Continuing straight would take me away from that. I don't know exactly where I would end up. I wasn't prepared for a trip, no shoes and no change of clothes.

I sighed heavily and flipped the visor down in front of me. I opened the vanity mirror. The tiny lights shone brightly. My eyes stared at me through the reflection. They looked tired. I don't mean in a "You need some sleep" kind of way. It was the kind of tired that said "You haven't slowed down in five years."

I had no way of knowing if Aeryn still lived in the same apartment all these years later. I had no way of knowing if she was home or if she would mind if I came by for a visit. I just knew that I had to try. I had to see her. Even if she wasn't there, I needed this for my own sanity.

I continued on toward where I'd last seen her.

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The sun was rising. It was something I hadn't seen or even thought about in years. The guys and I joked about it a lot. We'd say that we worked until dawn and would come home as the sun came up. The truth of the matter was that we were actually already in bed or still working until long after sunrise. Sunrise was a fabled thing we had once heard about but had rarely seen.

I watched as the sun rose over the mountain to the right. It cut through a thin layer of fog that covered the freeway. If I had been able, I'd have stopped so I could truly imbibe the beauty of it. Instead I tuned the radio to a rock station and increased the volume. I was a little anxious that once I got into the city I would be lost or have no idea where I was going.

I was astounded at my memory. I immediately began to recognize certain landmarks. I came upon the hotel that stood just before the street Aeryn lived on. I pulled into the parking lot and stopped at the valet booth. A kid who barely looked old enough to have a license met me at the door. I stepped out of the car and exchanged my keys for a red ticket. The kid barely even noticed my apparel and bare feet. He disappeared into the parking garage with my car. I slowly headed toward Aeryn's apartment on foot.

Everything on her street was exactly how I remembered it. Nothing had changed since I was there last. The only difference between now and then was that then I stood next to a limousine dressed in expensive designer clothing while now I was in my bedclothes and bare feet. Then I had security guards at my side while now I stood alone in the morning sun.

My stomach was in knots. So many things could have changed since I last spoke with her. I know I had changed. I hardly even recognized myself anymore. I was absolutely positive she had changed as well.

I stood in front of the call box. I pressed the dirty button and hoped I remembered her apartment correctly. I hoped she was still there. I hoped she would be the one to answer. I heard the buzzer sound in the apartment almost directly above me. I took a few steps backwards and looked up at the open window. White, dingy curtains billowed out of the window that I remembered as being her sitting room.

I crossed my arms over my chest nervously and bit my lip. I suddenly heard a very familiar voice from the window above my head. "It is nearly six o'clock in the fucking morning. Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?"

I couldn't help but smile. I looked up into Aeryn's sleepy face. "Hi."

She blinked the sleepiness from her eyes a few times. I could tell she couldn't believe who she was seeing. Her mouth fell open slightly before she said, "Hey. Hang on." She ducked her head back in the window. I stepped up to the entrance and waited. I heard the elevator creak open and her footsteps on the worn flooring. She turned the locks and pulled open the thick door. She held it wide enough for me to step in. "Hi." She gave me a curious look but I knew she understood.

She turned back toward the elevator without another word. I silently followed her as she pulled the iron gate to the side and pulled the inner door open for us to step in. I closed the doors behind us. She reached across me to pressed the button for her floor. The elevator started its ascent. We filed out when we reached the second floor. I followed Aeryn down the dark hall to her end apartment. The smells and feel of the hall sent two years of memories rushing back to me. My mind was suddenly reeling back to the last time I was there and everything in my life came to an abrupt stop.

She opened the door to her apartment and we stepped inside. She looked at me and yawned. "I'm still tired. I'm going back to sleep." She brushed her dark brown hair out of her eyes. I smiled at the pillow creases still on her face and arms. She flopped herself back down on her bed. "Did you drive? You look tired."

I smiled again and looked down at my bare feet. There was no need for me to say anything. She knew why I was there and she didn't question it. "Make yourself at home." Her eyes fluttered closed and she snuggled deeply into her pillow. I slowly lowered myself into the bed beside her. I folded one of her spare pillows under my head.

I had been fighting off exhaustion during the drive. As I nestled myself into the bed that exhaustion crept over my body and my vision blurred. Just before I surrendered to the darkness I felt Aeryn roll over and sigh against my shoulder. I reached behind me and found her hand. I wrapped her arm around my waist. "Just hold me please," I thought. She read my mind. I felt her knees rest against the backs of mine. She lay on her free arm so that her hand could gently scratch the top of my head in hypnotic circles.

I roused from sleep slowly. I opened my eyes to find her knee merely inches from my nose. She sat cross-legged on the bed. Her sketch pad rested in her lap. Her fingers were black with charcoal and she had a smudge along the right side of her nose. I knew, without having to look, that I had similar smudges along my bare arm from where she had felt along my muscle to get a sense of the contrast in shadow.

From where I was positioned I could see up the leg of the boxer shorts she was wearing. She had on neon green panties. The sight of them didn't help my sexual frustration any but it did have a calming effect and made me feel at home. It was everything about her and how completely genuine she was. My eyes focused on a small patch of hair on her thigh. She missed it while shaving. I smiled.

I moved my arm to stretch and she raised an eyebrow. Silently she reached over and held my elbow in the hand that also held her charcoal pencil. She frowned slightly as she placed my arm precisely back where it had been. She shook her head at me as a unspoken, "Don't move." A lock of her hair fell in front of her eyes. She brushed it away leaving behind a pale streak of charcoal on her brow.

I breathed slowly and held my position while she finished. She set her sketch pad to the side. She looked into my eyes and cocked her head to the side, "Okay." She stood and stretched the muscles in her back as she dropped her charcoal pencil onto her drawing table. I looked around the room. Nothing had changed. Everything was exactly as it had been the last time I'd been there.

She never asked me why I'd come. She never asked me what was wrong. She didn't even ask when I was leaving. She simply asked if I wanted to get a popsicle from across the street. Just like last time. I nodded. She grabbed her key and we walked to the little convenience store across the street. We picked up two orange sorbet Push-Ups and crossed the street again. She frowned at my feet while she licked her popsicle. "You're not wearing shoes."

"No. I hadn't planned on coming here." My first real sentence since I got there.

She simply nodded. We walked past her apartment complex. At the corner we turned right and walked down the hill. By then we'd finished off the popsicles and our tongues were stained orange. She paused to look up at me. "Coffee?"

I brushed my finger across her nose. "You have charcoal all over you."

"So do you." She smiled. "Coffee?"

I nodded and dropped my hand back to my side. I opened my mouth to explain that I'd left my wallet in my car. She brushed away my voice with the wave of her hand. "My treat." She said as she skipped ahead of me.

I didn't find it the least bit peculiar that we were two adults walking down a busy city street in our pajamas with orange popsicle stained lips. The thought of who I was never even entered my mind.

Aeryn skipped back toward me and skipped in circles around me. Her hand lightly touched mine. Artist to artist. We were the same.

Aeryn turned unexpectedly and pulled me into a small drug store. I never inquired about her motives when we were together. I had always just allowed her to lead me wherever we were going. She led me to the aisle with sunscreen, sunglasses and beach towels. She grabbed a pair of flip-flops and dropped them on the floor. I stepped into them to check the size. "Perfect." She said as she smiled up at me and brushed her unruly hair off her forehead. She chose a neon green pair for herself and shrugged. "Only two dollars. Who could pass that up?"

I smiled. "Not you."

She laughed and we took the shoes to the register. She dropped a five dollar bill on the counter and said, "Keep the change." We slipped our feet into our new shoes before we headed across the street toward the coffee shop on the corner.

A short, stout, balding man stepped out from behind the pastry counter and smiled broadly as he greeted us. "Aeryn! How are you?"

"I'm great, Eli. How are you?" Aeryn smiled as she gave the man a quick hug.

He motioned toward the glass counter, "Have you tried the white chocolate mocha?"

Aeryn shook her head. "Not yet. Sounds yummy though." She followed him to a table in the corner that had the best view of the tiny, vacant stage. "Who's playing?"

Eli shrugged. "I forget their names. Ross Copperman will be here this afternoon. I think Tony Lucca will be here. A new girl is performing in about ten minutes. Let me know what you think."

Aeryn nodded. She pulled a softly cushioned chair from under the table. She kicked off her flip-flops and sat with her legs under her. I fell into the chair across from her and crossed my legs. The small table between us held a lit candle in the center and a red and white checkerboard design on the top.

Eli reappeared with a pale-colored drink for Aeryn and a dark brown drink for me. "Enjoy." He said with a smile and returned to the front counter.

"I didn't order." I said.

"I know." She smiled. "Eli just knows."

I eyed my drink suspiciously. There was a sprinkle of something on top that looked like dust. Aeryn saw my apprehension. "It's a dark chocolate caramel cream espresso."

"Sounds sweet." I crinkled my nose. I wasn't really into drinks that had more than two ingredients in their names.

"It is sweet. You'll like it." She looked at me and smiled. "Trust me." She slid my cup closer to me. "Try it." She held her cup to her lips and sipped. "Heaven."

I took a quick sip and looked at her with amazement. It wasn't too sweet. There was a slight aftertaste of caramel and dark chocolate that crept in right after the deep burnt taste of espresso. I ran my tongue over my lips to indulge in the flavor before I took another sip.

Aeryn grinned at me. "You like?"

I nodded as I licked my lips again and turned to face the stage. A young woman sat on a bar stool as she tuned her guitar. I sat back and watched her warm up. She introduced herself and began to pick a tune for the small crowd that had gathered.

An hour later Eli set a deli sandwich in front of Aeryn and a grilled cheese sandwich in front of me. We still hadn't ordered anything. I wasn't sure how he knew exactly what we wanted. There was a new artist strumming his guitar and belting out a beautiful melody on stage. Aeryn touched Eli's arm before he walked away. "This guy is really good. What's his name?"

Eli smiled toward the stage. "Tony Lucca. I have his CD if you want one."

"Thanks." Aeryn said as she opened her sandwich and picked off the pickles. "I'll get one before we leave." Eli bounded back up to the counter.

I leaned over to Aeryn. "Hey," I said softly.

"Hmmm?" She hummed and plucked a few onions off her sandwich.

"I didn't order a sandwich." I said quietly.

Aeryn smiled at me and shook her head. "I told you. Eli knows." She took a bite of her turkey on rye.

I frowned in bemusement and looked over her shoulder. It wasn't until that moment that the recognition sunk in. All of the art on the walls was Aeryn's. Her signature wasn't legible but I'd know that style anywhere. Ink sketches on paper napkins, paintings on newspaper, charcoal on canvas. It was all hers.

I looked at her art with awe. Each piece was timeless and beautiful. My favorite was a drawing of tired, ragged feet hugged by broken and worn sandals. I turned to Aeryn and smiled at her proudly. "Free coffee and sandwiches." She shrugged as she licked her lips and chewed slowly. She was always able to read my mind. It was something about her that had always intrigued me. I was curious if she knew that all I really wanted was to stay with her forever.

We concentrated on the music until the sun began to slip out of sight. We headed home with a sugar and caffeine high that assured a vulgar crash when it wore off. She led me the long way back to her apartment. She took that time to fill me in on what had been going on in her life since I'd last seen her. I remained silent and just let her talk. I'd nod or laugh or comment where I saw fit and casually held her hand as we hiked back up the hill to her apartment.

She was telling me about her plumbing catastrophe of last winter when I laughed. I didn't recognize it. I was a completely different person when I was with her. Nothing about me was the same. Not even my own laugh. We passed a thrift store and I noticed my reflection. I stopped.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Aeryn asked as she stared at the dark glass.

My eyes explored my reflection. From my messy hair, down to my bare toes and back up again. I didn't look like myself.

"Beautiful." She said again. I couldn't tell if she was looking at my reflection or at the antique desk inside the store. I shrugged. She met my eye in the reflection and smiled. "I know art and that is beautiful."

I smiled back at her reflection and lightly squeezed her hand. We continued around the block to the street she lived on.

We entered her apartment. The room was warm and the open window allowed the fresh night air to flow through the small rooms. Aeryn poured herself a glass of Dr. Pepper in the kitchen. She offered me some but I shook my head no. I still had coffee coursing through my veins. She sat on her futon and yawned.

"You still in school?" I asked as I sat beside her.

She nodded. "I'm taking my final three courses this semester. My portfolio is complete though. I have a little help trying to get my stuff into galleries." She nodded and held the glass to her lips. "He says all my stuff is good. Even my crap stuff. I wish he could be objective."

"I'm objective and I know they're amazing." I said as I reached for her glass and took a sip. I wasn't a fan of Dr. Pepper. I only liked it when it was hers.

She rolled her eyes at me. "You haven't seen my portfolio."

I shook my head. "I don't have to." I licked the sweet soda from my lips and handed the glass back to her. "Can I shower?"

She lay back on her elbows. "Sure."

I stood to head toward the bathroom. "Is there a trick to your shower?"

She shrugged and crossed her legs at the ankle. "I just turn it on and stand under the water." She laughed softly.

I blushed as I rounded the corner to her bathroom. I took a fresh white towel from the shelf under the sink. I set it on the back of the toilet and turned the water on. It didn't take long for me to learn that the water in her building had two temperatures. Hot and cold. There was no gray area, no in-between. I tried to keep myself in motion as to not be scalded. Hot water was better than cold water any day.

When I pulled back the shower curtain, Aeryn was standing in front of the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. She held a black permanent marker in her hand as she drew an intricate Celtic vine around her opposite arm. She stopped drawing when she saw me in the mirror. She handed me the towel I'd set out. I reached for it and the marker in her hand left a black smear across my wrist. "Sorry." She smiled before she looked back in the mirror to continue drawing on herself.

I smiled back and wiped my wrist across the towel. The ink remained. "I guess that's why they call them permanent markers." I dried myself and wrapped the towel around my waist. I had never been uncomfortable standing naked in front her her. I had always been very at ease around her. I had no shyness when it came to Aeryn.

I watched her progress as I scooped up my clothing from the floor. "What are you doing?"

She smiled up at me for a second. "I can't decide what kind of tattoo I want and where I want it so I do this."

I nodded.

I brushed past her on my way out of the bathroom. I dumped my clothes on her futon. Her studio apartment was roughly the same size as my master bedroom and that included her kitchen and bathroom. I felt more at home in her tiny living space than in my own 'home.' I towel dried my hair a bit and ran my hands through it. It still looked messy. I found my boxers amid my clothes pile and pulled them on. Droplets of water dribbled down my back as I walked to her bed and lay on my side. I rested my head on her pillow and inhaled her scent. Shampoo and acrylic paint. I yawned and slid my bare feet under her blanket. A cool breeze floated through the curtains.

Aeryn stepped out of the bathroom a moment later and spun the pen around with her fingers. She shuffled around in her closet before coming to rest beside me on the bed. She stared at me and neither of us spoke. I could see words behind her eyes but she remained quiet. I blinked and she smiled. Whatever she had thought about saying was lost. She pulled my hand into her lap. I closed my eyes and allowed her to manipulate my arm in order to make and adequate canvas. She traced the pattern with her finger which sent shivers throughout my body. I felt the cool tip of the pen and she leaned close enough that I could feel her breath on my skin.

"Why are you blowing on me?" I asked with my eyes still closed.

I could hear the smile in her voice. "I'm making sure it's dry." She whispered. "I don't want to smudge it." She continued to blow where she'd just drawn. I didn't ask any more questions. She turned my hand over and began to draw on my inner wrist. As I began to doze off she held my hand up to her mouth and kissed my palm. "Don't move." She stood suddenly and let my arm fall to the mattress.

Aeryn pulled her hair back in a ponytail and fixed a bandanna on her head. She switched the light off and hit play on her iPod dock. Poe filled the room and I was flung backwards in time. Aeryn had always loved Poe. I'd never been able to listen to Poe without instantly thinking of Aeryn. We had spent endless hours lying awake with Poe playing in the background. I found that even now, when I have trouble sleeping, I'll play this CD and drift off within minutes.

I fell asleep flat on my back. Aeryn was on her stomach beside me. Her fingers wove around mine and we fell into land of slumber as the music lulled us quietly.

I woke the next morning to the sound of church bells off in the distance. I sighed deeply with my eyes still closed. I tried to will myself back into a deep slumber. My internal clock wouldn't allow it. I lay there a few minutes feeling as though I were late for something or forgetting something important. My life was a constant rush so the feeling was something I was accustom to. I sat up and blinked a few times to clear my vision. I took a moment to absorb my surroundings, the shadows and anatomy of the room around me.

Aeryn slept peacefully by my side. Her lips were parted slightly. Her face looked content. I took a glimpse of the artwork on my wrist before I checked the time on my watch. The hands indicated that it was five minutes after seven. I rubbed my eyes and yawned, not completely believing what I'd read. I checked again. My watch was right.

I rolled onto my stomach and grabbed one of the magazines Aeryn had stacked at the head of her bed. I flipped through an issue of Brigitte. I was part-way through an article on plastic surgeries gone wrong when Aeryn spoke her first words of the day. "Those types of magazines cause your brain to decay."

I smiled without looking her way. "I thought you said television causes your brain to decay."

"It does." She frowned and took the magazine from me. "Don't read that. It's rubbish."

I snatched the magazine back from her. "Why did you buy it if you think it's rubbish?"

"I didn't." She took the magazine back and pointed to the address sticker affixed to the back. "That's my neighbor. I keep getting her magazines. She doesn't come get them so I keep them."

I let her keep the magazine this time. "You could just throw them away."

She tossed the magazine back into the pile where I'd gotten it. "I use them for school. For collages." She stood and stretched her back. "Wanna go to the dock?" The way she could switch subjects so quickly reminded me of Tom. I was surprised and a bit ashamed when I realized that was the first time I'd thought of him, or any of the guys for that matter, since I got there.

I shrugged at her. "We could go to the park." I shrugged again. "Or back to the coffee shop." I shrugged and smiled. "Or we could stay here all day." I shrugged once more.

She placed her hands on her hips. "I don't want to stay here." I nodded. "And there's no music at the coffee shop on Sunday." I nodded again. "The dock will probably be crowded today."

I smiled. "To the park then?"

She nodded. I stared at her for a moment. At some point in the night her ponytail holder had worked its way to the end of her hair. It was only hanging on by a few strands of hair. The rest of her hair hung around her face and in her eyes. She quickly pulled the holder from her hair and redid her ponytail. She stared back at me for a second. "Don't move."

She skipped into her kitchen and returned with a box of food coloring. A smile danced across her lips. She picked up a paintbrush from her art table and sat cross-legged next to me with her knee in my face again.

"Don't spill that on me." I mumbled.

"Don't tell me what to do." She mumbled back. She took my hand and pushed it out of the way. "No one will see your boxers anyway." She carefully dripped some blue food coloring onto the brush.

Within ten minutes she had painted a blue and green mountain range with different textures and several crests. Some of the dye had seeped through onto my thigh but I didn't care.

"Hungry?" She asked as she finished. I nodded at her again. She pulled me off the bed and toward the kitchen. We hunted through her kitchen for some sustenance. We finally made a few pieces of toast and shared a grapefruit. As we finished eating she told me to get dressed. I pulled my sweatpants and T-shirt back on and we headed out in our pajamas and cheap flip-flops.

Before she walked through the door frame she turned back to me. "Do you have your wallet?" I shook my head. I had placed it in the Handschuhfach of my car. I had no place to keep it with no pockets in my sweatpants. Aeryn just smiled at me and continued out the door. She knew what coming here meant for me. Showing up out of the blue meant I needed a moment of obscurity. I sometimes just needed a while to be no one. I just needed to leave my name and everything affiliated with it behind. In the beginning I would show up every few months. As I adapted to being this person I had created the visits grew less and less until they eventually stopped. I was at a point now when I wanted, no, I needed that anonymity back. Even if is was just for one weekend.

Aeryn and I spent the morning in the park. We lay in the grass and stared up at the clouds. We snacked on hot pretzels and mustard. We watched people as they played frisbee and walked their dogs. I had been all over the world and had seen thousands of different cities with amazing sights but there was something special about the city where Aeryn lived. I wasn't sure if it was because you could walk down the streets and go completely unnoticed or if it was because of Aeryn. On the way back to Aeryn's apartment I met the eyes of dozens of strangers for the first time in a long time. They didn't show as much as a trace of recognition. I believed it was because when I was there with Aeryn, I wasn't me. I was another person completely.

Back in Aeryn's apartment I fell back onto the bed and picked up the magazine I had been reading earlier. She could call it rubbish, but I found the article interesting. Aeryn went to her desk and pulled out a notebook. She sat on the floor by the bed and went to work. I looked to see what she was doing but her hair blocked my view. Her hands moved in small circles as if she were writing rather than drawing.

She suddenly looked up at me through her hair. She smiled as she clicked her pen open and closed several times. Then she did it. She broke the cardinal rule. She asked the question that had never been asked before. "What was it?"

I looked up at her. I tugged at my ear. What was it? It was nothing. It was everything. It was both. I shrugged and thought for a few moments. My clothes were grungy but I felt more comfortable in them now than I had two days ago.

She raised her eyebrows. "This is the longest you've been here." She had noticed. I nodded. "Are you going back?"

I shrugged. "Probably." Had I actually been given a choice, I would stay here forever.

"You'll need some clean clothes if not." She smiled as she stood and walked to her window. I took a peek at what she had been working on and smiled. She had been writing. But the words were curved around and spaced out to make a hand. It was a drawing of sorts. She was never far from drawing.

Unrehearsed. Uncovered. Unjaded. Unladylike. Uncaring. Unsweetened. Unwoven. Uninterested. Unglazed. Unambitious. Unenthusiastic. Unforseen. Uninformed. Unamused. Undisciplined. Unnoticed. Unofficial. Unintentional. Unprotected. Unappreciated. Unsure. Unreliable. Unreal. Unparalelled. Undecided. Unrequited. Unhappy. Unaccommodating. Unwanted. Uncoordinated. Unauthorized. Unforgiving. Unshakable. Unloved. Unavoidable. Unconstitutional. Undressed. Unavailable. Unfold. Unchanged. Undoubted. Unexplainable. Unambiguous.

All the words entwined around the palm of the hand. My hand? Her hand? M.C. Escher's hand? It didn't matter.

I looked over at her. "Do you really want to know?"

She continued peering out the window. "Know what?"

I loved that she was back to acting vague. "What it was."

She shrugged. "No." She sighed. "It doesn't really matter. I was just curious but the moment passed. I don't want to know anymore."

That made me curious. "Why?"

She smiled. "If I know, I have the reason. I'd rather make up my own reasons."

"Make them up?" Interesting.

"Yeah." She turned and sat on the windowsill. "Let's go out somewhere."

That caught me off guard. "Out?" I laughed.

"Yes." She nodded. "Out."

I looked down at myself. "I'm not exactly dressed to go out."

"You look fine."

"I am not going out like this and you can't make me."

She giggled. "You were out all day today like that."

I shook my head. "But that wasn't out."

"It wasn't in either." She stared at me for a minute. The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile. Without a word I knew exactly what she meant by the look she was giving me. My definition of 'going out' had changed. 'Going out' to me was now dressed in fancy clothing with pounds of makeup and hair products when it used to be jeans and my cleanest T-shirt.

I stood and slid my feet into the flip-flops she'd bought for me. "Okay. Let's go out."

'Going out' for us involved a stroll back to the coffee shop and dining on sandwiches while we sipped on coffee. We stopped by another hangout on the way back to Aeryn's apartment. Open mic poets spewed their souls and folk singers filled the air with beautiful melodies while Aeryn and I sat in an incense scented room amid strangers. Our clothes were pungent of sage and clove cigarettes when we finally left. The experience caused me to feel a little more acquainted with a deep, artistic side of myself I'd never known before.

I felt almost giddy as we ambled slowly toward her apartment. If there had been a way to garner the feeling of the club and prolong this moment with Aeryn I would have done it. A cool breeze skimmed across my skin and sent chills up my arms and down my spine.

We eventually passed the hotel where I had left my car. I glanced toward the parking garage and wondered what would happen to my car if I never went back to claim it. I imagined they would sell it or possibly auction it off. I'd never be found. That didn't bother me. Or scare me. I then thought of my wallet in the Handschuhfach. "I have to go." I said as I kept my gaze on the parking garage.

"I know." Aeryn whispered. She knew I'd go back to my life. She knew that I'd become immersed in my life back home. There was no doubt in my mind that she knew I'd come back to her. It was certain. Maybe then I would choose to stay forever. But not this time.

I stopped and looked at her. Her eyes met mine. "Thanks." I whispered back to her. I felt that I needed to say more. She was always there to save my sanity without even thinking twice. She saved my life without knowing it.

She laughed lightly. "You're welcome." If anyone else had laughed at that moment it would have seemed inappropriate, maybe even a little rude. I had a heartfelt moment and expressed my gratitude and she laughed. I laughed and shook my head. There would never be anyone else like her in my life.

We walked back to her apartment in silence. She sauntered into the kitchen and opened a package of crackers. She handed me a cracker as she opened a jar of peanut butter. She extended the jar toward me. I dipped my cracker and took a bite. She brushed past me and sat down on her futon.

She licked peanut butter from her fingertips. "When?"

I glanced down at my watch and counted the hours in my head. "Now."

"How long is the drive?" She asked before taking another bite of her peanut butter covered cracker.

I shrugged. "Seven hours. Maybe eight." I dipped another cracker in the peanut butter.

"You want a snack for the road? Pretzels? Peanuts?" She set the crackers between us. I shook my head. "Coffee?" I shook my head again and licked peanut butter off my bottom lip.

I wouldn't need the assistance of caffeine for the ride home. I felt like a new person. My mind felt clear and refreshed. I planned to use the long ride home to really evaluate the weekend and the reason or reasons why I came and why I was chose to go back. I had to go back even though, as I sat there thinking about it, I knew I could stay with her forever.

Aeryn and I lounged on her futon as we finished the crackers and continued to eat the peanut butter out of the jar with our fingers. "Do you have any idea how fattening this peanut butter is?" She asked as she stared at her peanut butter coated finger.

"No." I said as I raised an eyebrow. "And if you tell me I'll stick that finger up your nose." I laughed as I coated my own finger with peanut butter. We sat for a moment unsticking our tongues from the roofs of our mouths. It was a minute before either of us was able to speak again.

"I don't care." She pat her tummy. "There's so much more to life than a perfect figure." She placed the lid back on the jar and took it back into the kitchen.

I knew that if I didn't leave right then, I wouldn't be able to leave at all. I stood and wiped my finger off on my sweatpants.

Aeryn motioned toward the flip-flops on my feet as she came back from the kitchen. "You should leave those for next time." I knew why she said it. I never brought anything when I came and I never took anything home with me when I left. These two worlds of mine had to co-exist without knowing about one another.

I nodded and slid my feet out of the shoes. I placed them next to the pile of her own shoes in the corner. It was really happening. I was really going back home. I stood by the door in silence. I didn't want to turn the knob but I knew I had to get back to my life in less than 12 hours. Some part of me wished she would tell me or beg me to stay with her. I knew she wouldn't. She would never ask me to change. We both knew she would be here for me whenever I needed her.

I turned to look at her. She had busied herself with another drawing. "Call me." She said without looking up from her drawing table. She brushed her hair behind her ear barely missing her cheek with the pencil she held in her hand.

"I will." I said although I knew I wouldn't.

"Thank you for helping me get my shit into perspective. And for not asking me questions. And for not making me talk. And for not judging me. I would have gone completely mad long ago had it not been for you. I leave a part of me, the real me, here with you. Thank you for showing me that the simple things are just as important as the big things. And that popcicles make a great breakfast. And there's nothing wrong with being barefoot. And cheap flip-flops are fashionable. I can't imagine what I would be without you here to bring me back down to earth. It may seem like I forget you or about myself but I don't. You always linger in the back of my mind. I love you because without you I know I'd be miserable." The monologue played in my mind. I licked my lips and sighed.

"G'bye." I said instead.

Aeryn turned as if she'd heard every word of my thoughts. She smiled. "G'bye."

I walked out of her apartment. I rode down the creaky elevator alone and stepped out into the world outside. It looked exactly the same as it did only an hour earlier but, somehow, something had changed. I looked up at her window. I could see her bent over her drawing in concentration. I stared at her until the wind blew the curtain in the way.

I eventually realized that she wasn't going to watch me go. I was on my own. The journey back to my life began as soon as I stepped out her front door. I sighed and trudged barefoot back toward the hotel and my car.

The valet stood as he saw me. "Can I help you?" I handed him the wrinkled ticket. He matched the ticket to my keys hanging in a little box in his booth. He trotted off to retrieve my car and left me standing on the curb. He drove up moments later with my car and handed me the keys. "Have a nice night."

I nodded. I leaned into my car and pulled my wallet out of the Handschuhfach. I took out two twenties and handed them to the valet. I slid into the driver's seat and headed out of the parking lot.

I veered onto the freeway and I felt a tug of something in my chest as the city became smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror. For a while I thought that tug was the feeling that I was leaving something behind. It was as though I was forgetting an important part of me back there in Aeryn's apartment. By the time I had to stop for petrol I realized it wasn't a feeling of loss. It was a feeling of something new. I wasn't leaving leaving something behind. I was taking something away with me. It was something I had possessed before but managed to lose or forget over the years. I had been living my career and had forgotten who I was. I was taking me away with me. I finally knew in my heart that the saying was true.

There are friends we can't imagine living without.