Bitte Spring Nicht
Brynna stopped at the red light and frowned. She could turn right and drive through the side streets another 10 miles to get to the freeway, or she could turn left and hit the 95 freeway in just a couple blocks. Seemed easy enough. Only turning left would mean that she would have to drive over the bridge. She sighed as the light turned green and checked her rear view mirror. No one was behind her. She needed more time to think. She waited through the green light. It turned red again as she continue to sit there and think.
It was just after three in the morning, and the streets were silent. The light turned green again but she still didn't budge from that spot. Brynna hadn't been anywhere near the bridge at Winthrop Street in more than two years. She wasn't sure she wanted to go back. She was seconds from stepping off the ledge of that bridge. It was only by the grace of God that Officer Webb had talked her down. She had never forgotten that he saved her life. Brynna sighed and decided to confront her fears. She could drive across the bridge. It couldn't hurt her.
She took a sip of her caramel macchiato and inched into the intersection as the light turned green. She turned left and headed for the bridge.
Brynna watched the lights on the railing twinkle in the damp midnight air as she moved closer to the bridge itself. She could feel her pulse quicken and her palms moisten as her front tires made the familiar thump over the metal grates as she entered the bridge.
"Breathe in. Breathe out. I will not look down." She whispered keeping her eyes focused on the road ahead of her. She gripped the steering wheel as if it were the only thing keeping her from plummeting 300 feet to her death. She had considered taking the plunge before, but right now it sounded like a horrible idea.
She had almost made it halfway across the bridge. She felt like she was moving in slow motion. Brynna took a deep breath. She eased her grip on the steering wheel just as a movement caught her eye off to the left. She turned her head just in time to see a guy in a dark jacket throw his legs over the side of the ledge and sit on the end.
Brynna's heart stopped. This couldn't be happening. She increased her speed and made it to the other side of the bridge. She pulled to the side of the road and slammed on the breaks.
Brynna grabbed her jacket from the seat beside her and jumped out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. Her car being stolen was the least of her worries. Officer Webb was there for her when she needed it and this stranger needed her now.
She took off in a sprint and headed back to the place she'd seen him on the bridge. She stopped just short of the cold stone surface of the bridge. She was stepping back onto the bridge and heading toward the ledge again. This is something she never thought she'd do again. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes again and ran onto the bridge. It was too late to go back now.
She didn't want to startle the man sitting on the ledge, so as she neared him she began to walk at a normal pace. She was less than twenty feet away from him when he shook his head and push himself from the ledge.
"No!" She screamed as he disappeared from her view. "Please let him have hit the ledge, please!" She desperately repeated to herself. She'd spent more then an hour debating her own fate on the three foot wide ledge that was five feet down from the bridge railing.
"Hello?" She yelled as she leaned over the side. Her light brown hair fell over her face as she caught site of the man sitting on the tiny ledge. He was staring at the freeway beneath him.
"Go away!" He yelled up at her. He wouldn't take his eyes from the lines drawn on concrete below.
"I'm Brynna. Are you okay?" She asked.
"I said go away!" He spat at her angrily.
"Can I join you?" Brynna leaned a little closer.
"What? No!" He growled.
"I'll just sit up here then. How's that?" She said as she cautiously swung her feet over the side of the railing and sat with her feet dangling above his head. It made her stomach lurch to look down, but there was no avoiding it. She closed her eyes and took a series of deep breaths as her stomach crept up into her throat. She felt lightheaded and dizzy as she licked her lips and thought to herself, "You can do this. Be there for him. You can help him just as Officer Webb went on the ledge for you. You've been here."
"If you come down here I swear to God I'll jump." He threatened.
"If I stay up here will you just not?" She asked, hoping for a yes, but knowing that wouldn't be the case.
"I'm going to jump. You can't stop me." She could hear the fear in his voice despite how determined his words were.
"Well, if you're going jump whether I'm down there or up here, then I'd rather go down there and at least try to help."
"Do not come down here." He said with a little less conviction.
"You know, I know how you feel. I've been exactly where you are before." Brynna looked around slowly, "Well, maybe a few inches to the left of you but I've been there."
"Whatever." She could hear him scoff at her words.
"May 12th. Two years ago. It was earlier though, so I had more traffic down there to contend with." Brynna nodded at the empty freeway.
"I don't care where you were or when you were here." He said as he turned his deep brown eyes to face her. Her face flickered with recognition. He frowned and stared back at the concrete. "You know who I am now, don't you?" He asked angrily.
Not wanting to upset him any more than he already was, Brynna shook her head, "N-no. Should I?" She stuttered. What was he doing out on this ledge at three in the morning? Bill Kaulitz? From Tokio Hotel? This put a new twist on Brynna's mission. She felt her confidence fall to her feet.
"No." He said quickly. "I'm a nobody. No one."
"I'm sure you have a name, right?" She asked softly. "I'd like to know who I'm talking to."
"No. No name." He shook his head and watched as his feet dangled over the edge.
"Okay. I'll call you Bob." Brynna smiled nervously. "How are you tonight, Bob?"
"Please don't call me that." He said.
"What would you like for me to call you?"
"I'd like for you to leave me alone." He said as he frowned.
"No, I'm sorry. I can't do that. I'm too involved now." Brynna shook her head and took a deep breath. "Like I said, I've been on that same ledge and a police officer came and sat on the ledge with me. Officer Webb. He helped me a lot." Brynna paused and watched him shift uneasily on the ledge. "It's-it's not as bad as you think it is."
"How would you know? You don't know what I'm going through!"
"What could possibly be worse than dying?"
"A lot." He said softly.
"Wanna talk about it?" Brynna asked a second later, she was beginning to get very nervous sitting on the ledge.
He merely shook his head as he began to cry.
"Why don't you come back up here? I'll buy you a coffee and we can talk about things."
"I don't drink coffee."
"How about soda? Coke? Dr. Pepper? Whiskey? Vodka? Water? Milk? Whatever you want to drink! I'll buy it for you, just come back up here."
He didn't respond and she dreaded her next sentence. "I'll come down there if you want. That way we don't have to shout." She waited for him to say no again, to give her a good reason to stay where she was. He didn't utter a sound so she carefully lowered herself over the side and onto the ledge. It was a lot smaller than she had remembered. She shuddered as she scooted as far back as she could. Her back was pressed against the side of the bridge.
"Why should you care what I do?" He asked.
"You need someone to care. Everyone does and tonight I'm saying don't jump." She winced slightly as she realized she'd used a title from one of Tokio Hotel's songs.
He cringed at the same moment and said, "You should just leave me alone and let me jump."
"I'm not stopping you." She said softly. "If that's what you really want to do there's nothing I can do or say that can change that." She shook her head trying not to look down. "I just don't think jumping is what you want to do."
"Yes. It is." He insisted.
"At least I can try to help then. So I'll feel better." She smiled weakly.
"So this is all about you feeling better now? You'll do what you can so you don't have a guilty conscience!" He practically shouted at her.
"That's not what I meant." Her eyes fluttered shut and leaned her head back against the bridge. "If I left you alone out here on the ledge, I couldn't live with myself. Now I'm committed." She couldn't make herself open her eyes.
"Were you really out here?" He asked.
"Yeah." Brynna nodded.
"Why?"
"I wanted to end it all. I wanted to jump." She opened her eyes a fraction and looked at him.
"Well yeah, but why?"
"I'd had a really bad week." She smiled and shivered. It was colder than she'd expected. "I'd been fired from my job and kicked out of my apartment. I was coming down off a heroin high and feeling a lot of pity for myself. I was walking to a friend's house when I got here to the bridge. I stopped and sat on the railing for a while. I finally hopped down here to the ledge. I was going to do it. A police officer saw me and came up to sit with me. He saved my life when I didn't think I had a life left to save."
"What did he say that made you change your mind?"
"He said that he cared about me. He wasn't going to let go of me. He held onto my shirt sleeve the entire time."
"Yeah?" He asked, looking over at Brynna.
"Yeah." She smiled and reached out to grab the pocket of his jacket. "I care about you. And I'm not letting go of you."
"That really doesn't always work." He looked away and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"I know but it can't hurt."
He didn't say anything in return. He just sniffed and wiped his eyes a couple times.
Ten minutes later he turned to Brynna and said, "I do have people that care about me, you know?"
"Okay. That's a good start." She nodded. "What do you think they would say to you right now?"
"I don't know." He shrugged.
"Can I take a guess?"
"You don't know them. You have no idea what they'd say!" He said.
Brynna shrugged and said, "They'd probably say the same thing I would. Don't do this. Whatever it is that made you come out here, they can be worked out."
"It's not something that needs to be worked out. I've changed too much and I can't get back to what I used to be. Or to how I used to be."
"You don't like where or who you are now?" Brynna asked, careful to keep in mind that she wasn't supposed to know who he was.
"No." He shook his head slowly. "I have everything I could ever hope for and it's not enough anymore."
"What do you want now?"
"I want to go home." He whispered as his bottom lip quivered.
"Where is home?" As if she had to ask.
"Germany." He said softly.
"I can help you get home." Brynna nodded and adjusted her grip on his pocket.
"It's not that easy." He shook his head.
"No, I'm sure it's not." She agreed. "But if that will get you off this ledge, I'd be willing to get you there in any way I could."
"Going home won't change anything. I am who I am now. I can't change that. No one can."
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't. Not without giving up everything."
"Maybe it's worth giving it all up."
"I'd let everyone down if I gave it all up." He shook his head slowly. "I've disappointed them plenty enough. I can't do any more damage."
"People are harder to disappoint than you think. You'd be surprised." Brynna smiled. "But if that's what you're worried about, I'll be disappointed if you jump."
He gave a short laugh before wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jacket. "That won't work. I don't know you. I don't care if I disappoint you. No offense." He said.
"None taken, but I care about you and I don't want to see you go." Brynna said with an almost maternal tone to her voice.
"I don't fit in." He said a moment later.
"What about your friends?"
"No. They're different now."
"Everyone is different?"
"They all fit with each other. I'm the one that doesn't fit." He frowned. Brynna thought of the others in the group and wondered what he meant. They all fit well together, and she couldn't think of him being an outcast or different.
"You fit in. You complete your circle of friends. You are what they're missing." She said gently, her heart broke as he spilled his.
"No one knows how much I hurt inside." He said after a few silent minutes. He tried to hold back his tears, but he wasn't successful at it. "I mean, I know I come across to everyone as this guy who has it all: any girl I want, a cool car, an awesome job." He paused and wiped his nose again. "But I've worked very hard for everything I own and I've made more sacrifices then some people could even imagine."
"But isn't that what life is about? Making sacrifices?"
"Yeah, but I sacrificed things that I can never get back. My morals, my standards, my beliefs, my freedom, my family." He coughed lightly and said, "No one can understand how that hurts. I'd give up all of the material things to have that back again."
She gently moved her hand from his pocket to his hand and held on tight. She wasn't sure if that was such a wise move. If he decided to jump, he'd end up taking her with him. He grabbed onto her hand tightly and flashed her a quick smile. "Under different circumstances, this could be a lovely evening." He said softly looking down at their hands.
"It still can be."
"No, it can't." He shook his head.
"You don't still want to jump, do you?" Brynna said as her heart sped up. If he went over now, she was going down as well.
"Yes, I do." He whispered as he began to cry again. He hid his face in the folds of his jacket, but wouldn't let go of her hand.
She allowed him sit there and cry for a few minutes. She shifted her weight slightly trying to keep her legs from falling asleep. It was getting colder as the breeze picked up and tossed her hair across her face.
She brushed her bangs off her forehead and looked over the freeway and part of the nearby park. It actually wasn't so bad on the ledge, as long as you didn't have look down. She slowly swung her feet back and forth to keep the blood circulating and to give herself something to concentrate on.
"Under different circumstances this could be a lovely evening. Yes, it could. I'm sitting under the stars holding hands with one of the members from a world famous band. How many girls would die to be in my place? Die. Bad choice of words." Brynna thought to herself as her she furrowed her brows.
Brynna tried to organize her thoughts. She thought back trying to remember what Officer Webb had told her. What had he said that made a difference?
"Hey!" Brynna said suddenly. "I'll give you five dollars if you don't jump." She smiled hoping to evoke the reaction she was hoping for.
He laughed shortly and smiled at her. "You'll just try anything won't you?"
"Pretty much." Brynna said as she shivered slightly.
"I'm sorry you're wasting your time."
"I don't think I'm wasting my time. You haven't jumped yet." She said. "I'm hoping that the longer you wait, the more you'll think about why you shouldn't."
"I'm thinking of why I should."
"Could you do me a favor?"
"No." He shook his head.
"Tell me the one thing that makes you happy." Brynna said quickly, as her teeth began to chatter.
"You should go back up there. You're cold."
"It's a small price to pay." Brynna said, looking his square in the eye. "What makes you happy?"
"Nothing." He broke the gaze and stared down at the first car they'd seen that night. The person in the car hadn't seemed to notice them. They sat in silence before he turned to Brynna and asked, "Are you happy?"
Brynna thought for a second and checked her watch. It was after 4 in the morning. They'd been on the ledge for more than an hour and the Monday morning commuters would be hitting the freeway soon. "I don't know." She shook her head.
"You don't know if you're happy?" He asked.
"I'm not unhappy so I guess that's better than nothing at all."
"You think?"
"I'd rather be unsure than unhappy." Brynna explained. "What about you?"
"I guess I should be happy."
"But you're not?" She asked.
He looked over at her. "Would I be here if I was happy?"
"You have a point." She nodded. "Are you ever happy?"
"Sure." He said as he looked her in the eye and gave her a little half smile.
"When?"
"When I sing or when I see a beautiful girl smile." Brynna grinned showing all her teeth. He chuckled lightly and said, "Or being at home, seeing my family."
"But if you jump, you can't do those things again."
"Yeah, I know." He nodded.
"Are those things worth all the bad things that brought you here?" She asked. He didn't answer for a minute.
"You say your family makes you happy, but think about what this will do to them. Think about when they get that call that wakes them up this morning, saying that their son... their sweet, kind, caring, beautiful baby boy... took a swan dive off of a bridge." Brynna added softly. "That kind of pain doesn't go away."
"You were going to do it." He said as he gestured over the freeway with his free arm.
"I didn't have any family members dreading that call. I didn't have any friends that cared enough to come looking for me if I didn't show up for a few days. I had no one. I had nothing. I had less that nothing." Tears rose in Brynna's eyes. "Which is why I can't understand why you'd even consider this. You may not like who you are but you can always change that. You have your whole life to become who you want." She wiped her eyes quickly as her brown hair skidded across her cheek. She brushed it away as she continued, "You can make that change, you know. If you just stop taking life for granted you can be happy. No matter how hard it gets, no matter what kind of crap life deals you, at least you're alive!"
"I don't want to be alive!" He argued as he wiped the tears from his cheeks.
"Yes, you do! You're still here. If you were so serious about this, you'd have jumped before I got here! You wanted someone to find you! You wanted someone to talk you down."
"No, I didn't!"
Brynna took a deep breath and released his hand. She looked him in the eyes and before she could change her mind she said, "Do it."
"What?!" He asked in shock.
"Do it. But before you do, know that, if nothing else, I care about you and I don't want you to jump. I can be your friend. Your guardian angel. You can do what you please, but I will always be here for you. No matter what."
He stared at her in silence for a minute before reaching for her hand. "Please, don't let me go." He pleaded softly, looking up at her with a tear stained face. "I really don't want to do it." He whispered as he leaned onto her shoulder.
Brynna breathed a heavy sigh of relief and carefully wrapped her arm around him as his warm tears fell on her neck. She shuddered again as the wind picked up, blowing her hair into his eyes. She quickly brushed it away, then left her hand on top of his head, cradling him like a child. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay." She said softly.
"I'm so sorry." He choked.
"It's okay. Really." She said as she continued to stroke his hair. "You're going to be okay." She couldn't hold her tears of relief back.
"Thank you." He whispered as his hands clung to the front of her shirt.
"You're welcome." She said softly. "You're so welcome." They sat that way for a little while, until the cars beneath them began to honk as people noticed them perched on the ledge. That was a sure sign that the police were on their way. "Let's go up. The police should be coming soon."
"Yeah." He nodded, he understood. He sat back and wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket. "Thank you. You just saved my life."
"No." Brynna shook her head, "I helped you save your own life." She smiled as she realized she was using the same line Officer Webb had used when he pulled her off the ledge. He scooted a little closer to her as they tried to wake their legs. After sitting on the cold stone for an hour and they had pins and needles shooting up their legs.
Brynna smiled as the sun began to turn the sky a pretty pink. She'd done it! She scooted sideways and used her arms to try and pull herself up to the railing. She held on tightly as she went to swing her leg up and over the railing.
She wasn't holding tightly enough. Her hand slipped as she lost her balance and fell backwards, her arms flailed out desperately trying to grab hold of something, anything to keep her from falling. A mask of fear covered her face as she realized what was happening. "Bill!" She shouted just before losing her footing.
He watched in horror as Brynna began her descent to the pavement below. There was nothing he could do. She fell in slow motion. Her hair flew madly around her face. Her mouth froze in a silent scream. Her body contorted as she helplessly grasped onto thin air.
Bill's heart stopped in his chest as he closed his eyes. It was too late.