From Me to You
You,
Hi. Yeah, it's me again. I hope things are going well for you. I've been anticipating getting your address for a while now. I have more things I need to tell you. More than likely you don't want to hear this, but please just humor me and read it. You can either choose to disregard it, or act upon it. I'll never mention the contents of this letter to you. If you want to bring it into light, you may choose to do so. If things are not to your liking, we can continue on with life, pretending as if this letter was never even written. It's your call.
I feel like an idiot as I sit here and try to express on paper how I feel inside. I'm going to share with you the things that no one else knows. I'm bearing my soul to you. I'm afraid of your reaction, afraid that I'll be made fun of, afraid that this will in some way cause you to shun me or ignore my existence. Fear is my biggest threat right now. I have to push my fear and my pride away, and reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings. There's no looking back now.
I've been thinking about you, thinking about you a lot, wondering if I've made the right choices in pressing on with the break up. Should I have waited? I thought it was done. I thought things were over. I had made myself believe I was over you. But was I? Am I? My thoughts keep returning to that night in February. Every day I remember something new. Was it my imagination? Were you flirting? Some of the things that were done and said, I disregarded then, but in retrospect, I feel flattered. Are my feelings in vain?
The first memory that strikes me is being in the car with you. You were fixing the cassette player and we were engaged in conversation. I know it may sound trite, but I kept praying that it would take longer for you to fix it. I was savoring the moment. I didn't want it to end. I could smell you, the scent was intoxicating, almost to the point of dizziness. I wanted to close my eyes and inhale deeply, however I had to put up my front, make you believe it was over. I was in denial. I didn't expect to have feelings for you. I thought them all to be gone, buried, to be no more, but there they were. When you asked to come home with me, I was almost giddy. I felt like a teenager who had just spoken to her crush for the first time. I wanted you and it frightened me. My heart was racing. My thoughts in a whir. Fear was my aphrodisiac.
I remember our conversation about the bracelet my secret admirer had given me. You later said jokingly that you'd sent me the bracelet. At the time, I took it as a joke, but after analyzing the situation, it made me wonder, did you have a 'secret admirer crush' on me? Do you now? Have you ever? The real admirer was recently revealed to me. He finally got up the nerve to call me. We went out twice before we came to the realization that it just wouldn't work between us.
You took my picture at some point during the night. I find myself imagining that you have that picture, that you've placed it in your wallet, that you look at it and think of me. My thoughts often meander to the point during the night when I squnched up my nose at you. You asked me to repeat the expression. My heart skipped a beat. I did something that was cute to you. Me? I was still cute? I felt myself blush. Did you notice? Could you tell? I wanted to look you in the eye, read you, analyze you. Did you mean it or was it all a game? My face burned crimson and I could hear my respiration increase. I had to look away.
There were so many things through the night that come to mind that can be read in so many ways. It was all intoxicating, invigorating. Why then did I turn down your request for sex? Simple. It reverts back to the fear. The paralyzing fear that had its grip on me, choking me, causing me to doubt myself as well as your motives. My mind was racing with so many thoughts. Did you really want to feel me, touch me, have my velvet center enclose around you? Was I having the same sensual effect on you that you were having on me? Or was it a game? A cruel mind game? Was it payback? I was afraid that if I accepted the invitation, you'd laugh at me and smirk at my naiveté. It all happened too quickly. I lost my ability to think coherently. I was in a state of shock.
Later as we lay in bed watching the movie, I felt you next to me. I felt your warmth through the comforter. I felt safe. I wanted you then. I wanted you like I'd never wanted anyone before. I closed my eyes and envisioned your hand sliding down my thigh, your lips dangerously close to my ear, your hot breath against my neck. I could feel you caressing me, possessing me. I felt myself grow weak. I felt myself trying to will your hand to move over me, inciting and inviting you in, praying that by some form of telekinetic force I could make you move as my body ached for you. I realized that I had missed my opportunity. My world spiraled downward and I felt myself trying to claw my way back to where we'd been only hours before. I had failed.
The next week you and I were seated in the car again. Once again engaging in light conversation. I wanted to stop you mid sentence. I wanted to find a place to go. I couldn't make myself do it. I was afraid of the rejection. I felt myself grow angry, heard myself lying in an effort to hide my fear and thrust my pride out into the open. I acted as a fool. Then days later, it happened. You rejected me. It plagued my thoughts. I couldn't imagine why it would hurt so badly. I had to talk to you, I had to make it right. I sat and contemplated writing you and finally made myself push the pen along the paper and send you the white flag of apology. I surrendered to you. For days, I feared your reaction, then you called. I wanted to tell you so badly over the phone that I miss you. I never wanted to end that conversation, but I didn't want to seem overly anxious to talk to you.
My point? I'm getting there. Do my emotions deceive me? Do we still have that chemistry that brought us together a year ago? Or are they just memories that I shall treasure always? I love you. I miss you so badly it hurts. Am I being foolish? Am I acting out of love or fond memories? This is a huge step for me. I've reasoned with myself, realizing that in revealing these things I could really hurt my relationship with you, but I couldn't hold them in any longer. I had to make them known. I had to show you that things have changed. I've changed. I'm ready for whatever you toss in my direction, be it friendship, a relationship, or a love affair. With all that said I step back now. I've stated my case. It's in your hands. You make the call, call the shots. It's up to you.
With Love,
Me
This is a letter I wrote to a guy I'd been in a relationship with. We'd broken up and hadn't seen one another in years. He came to visit one day and he made an advance, but I turned him down. He left and I started to regret my decision. This is the result.