One Heartbeat - Chapter Six
Looking at the clock, Ferryn was pleased to see it was almost noon and Tom was still fast asleep. She continued shuffling around the kitchen, working on making breakfast. It had been hard to pry herself from the warm and firm grasp of his arms around her waist but her stomach won the battle. They hadn't eaten since before their plane had taken off the previous day and now once again, she was back on LA time. She decided her body would never get used to the constant switches, no matter how big or small they were. Regardless of everything, it felt good to wake up with Tom against her, to feel his warm breath against her shoulder. Everything had been so up and down for them and now, before she dare think it or say it out loud, Ferryn had the feeling things might be settling down. She felt that they may be meeting some sense of normalcy. If only it could last.
She was flipping the french toast and getting ready to pour the scrambled eggs into another pan when she felt familiar arms come around her from behind.
"Morning, babe," he breathed in the crook of her neck before placing a kiss there.
Leaning back against him, Ferryn wanted to melt. She couldn't prevent the sweet tingle that ran through her body when he held her. He'd always felt so sturdy and warm and words like 'safe' and 'secure' and 'loved' always seemed to pop into her mind whenever during times like these. It'd been so long since they'd woken up together without having to kiss goodbye and part ways. It felt way too good. Turning in his arms, she wrapped hers around his neck. Her cheek caressing the slight scruff on his face. The dark circles under his eyes had faded and he already looked ten times better then when she'd found him in the hospital. He still wore his boxers, only now his chest was covered with a black T-shirt, his feet were bare.
"Good morning to you, stud. How're you feeling?"
He smiled down at her. "Better. Much better."
"Good. Hungry?" she asked, pulling away and going back to the stove.
"For your cooking? Yes," he answered, as he leaned over her shoulder to investigate what she was making.
"Grab a plate. It's about ready."
Tom nodded, reaching up in the cupboard beside her. He once again came up behind her just as she'd shut off the stove. "Okay but first, I need a good morning kiss," he said as his arms came around her waist, his hands caressing the exposed skin from her tank top, just below her belly button. Ferryn turned around as Tom placed his hands on either side of the counter neatly trapping her. She could only grin back mesmerized, meeting him half way. It only lasted a few seconds, but when he pulled away, their lips were red and glossy with evidence of the kiss. "Much better," he smiled before reaching over for a plate.
Ferryn could only smile back, still tasting him on her lips, and feel his hands on her skin. It was now a good morning indeed.
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Ferryn tried not to hover or nag as she reminded Tom to rest. His only explanation was that he'd slept in until noon already and was already feeling better and that messing around in his studio wasn't going to hurt anything. She wondered how he'd want to get anywhere near his studio after that's all he'd eat, slept and breathed for over the last month while in New York. Then she remembered the real Tom, the one who when he wasn't doing it for work, loved to mess around, create different melodies, write lyrics that no one else would hear, and expose his voice in ways it hadn't been before. This was Tom, the man who had soulful music flowing through his veins.
Still, it had been a few hours and it was a gorgeous day in LA. Ferryn was itching to get out and only counting down the hours until Tom began doing the same. Jogging down the stairs that led to the studio, she tapped on the closed door just slightly. If he didn't answer, she'd let him be.
"It's open," she heard his muffled voice call.
"Am I interrupting?"
He turned around from the keyboard in the corner of the room, smiling. "Not really. Just messing around. What's up?"
Walking the short distance, Ferryn went and sat in his lap. "I was just kinda bored. Wanted to know if you wanted to get out for a bit maybe? Make a Starbucks run or something?"
"Yeah, I'll go. I just need to change real quick," he said running a hand down her arm.
"Okay." Ferryn said, smiling back.
"Ferryn?" Tom asked after seconds ticked on and he still hadn't moved.
"Hmm?"
He grinned, running his fingers along her chin. "You spaced out on me."
"Oh," she said, coming back from her reverie. "I was just, enjoying the view."
He laughed, patting her leg as she finally stood up and he followed. "Enjoying the view, huh?"
"Yes. My boyfriend is gorgeous. I can't help it," she said, reaching up and kissing him quickly before she made her way to the door.
Catching up with her, he pulled her back against him, burying his face in her neck and slowly kissing her. "My girlfriend is gorgeous too. And I don't want to help it."
"Mmm, we must be a perfect match then, huh?" she asked, her breath hitching.
"Yes," he said, his voice simple but firm.
Tom didn't want to think about it anymore than he already was but something was different between them since they'd left his parents house. Little arguments seemed to quickly be eliminated, small hints of a solid future no longer sent a panicked look into her green eyes and not that there was ever a lack in it before, but the love Ferryn gave seemed to come more freely somehow, almost as if she had no reason to hold it back. At times, he felt like he was often the one doing the giving, the vocal part of love but he was wrong. Ferryn was as much of a vocal lover as she was physically. He couldn't place a finger on it but something was definitely different between them for the better. He just hoped they were done jumping the hurdles.
Ferryn poked him in the stomach once they landed at the top of the stairs. "You in there?" She questioned, waving her hands in front of him. "Go get dressed. This girl needs a coffee fix ASAP."
He laughed, shaking his thoughts as he walked to the bedroom. She went to search for her wallet and her set of Tom's car keys when she caught the tail end of her cell phone ringing in the kitchen. Quickly glancing at it, she saw she had a missed call from Blake. Tucking it in her pocket, she decided she'd call him back later. Much later. She wasn't in the mood to deal with anything work related. As much as this was a mini recuperation for Tom, it was for her too. They needed some time together, work and drama free.
Not long after, her thoughts were quickly tossed away as Tom came down the hall dressed as simple as possible but never looking more gorgeous. She took in the black athletic sweat pants he wore, along with a worn gray T-shirt with some kind of red vintage lettering on it, and on his feet were black flip flops he had on. His face, handsome and chiseled as always, showing just the slightest bit off texture to it. Speechless was the only phrase that came to Ferryn's mind. Tom was without a doubt gorgeous. For having just left the hospital, his brown eyes still sparkled in that way only his did. If being home didn't put him back together, she'd never know what did.
"You're staring again."
Her eyes quickly lit up as she reached out for his hand. "Do you have any idea how seriously hot you look in that outfit?"
Tom shrugged, looking over his attire. "I'm wearing sweats, babe."
Ferryn nodded, smoothing her hands up his chest. "And you look seriously freaking hot, Tom Kaulitz. Don't ask me why. Just take my word for it." She couldn't exactly explain it. Several thoughts ran through her mind. He looked masculine and huggable all at the same time. It reminded her of spending a Saturday afternoon doing nothing in particular but still having the best time. He looked relaxed, lazy, but strong and very manly tumbled all into one. She'd seen him dress similar to work out but this just topped them all. This was her man.
"Okay?" he said, looking down at her, a smile covering his face. "For the record, I could say the same about you," he told her, eying her attire of yoga pants and a T-shirt.
She shook her head, not paying attention to his comment. "I'm torn between my addiction to amazing caramel frappicino's or taking you back to bed and having my way with you."
"Oh yeah?" he quirked an eye, his nose bumping into hers.
"Yeah but then we all know I'm a girl of reason so I figured we could go get coffee, then later-" she trailed off.
"Later?" He asked, leaning forward as she caught the scent of him strongly. It seemed his insatiable desire to be close to her was rubbing off. They were now meeting in the middle.
"Mmhmm. But for now, let's get that coffee. And I may need a stick to keep off all the women in Los Angles that are going to be drooling all over you."
He laughed once again. "I highly doubt you'll have to do that, Ferryn. Seriously though, sweats?"
She nodded as they walked to the font door, fingers laced together. Turning quickly, she kissed him deeply, not letting up until she'd tasted him completely. "Seriously, Tom."
"Okay then. Apparently I'm going to have to dress down more often," he said, his eyes heavy and full of love.
Ferryn nodded. Her smile beamed as she held on to his hand tight. "Maybe you just shouldn't wear anything at all."
Tom chuckled, looking back into eyes showing a window of love. "Now there's a loaded suggestion."
"Uh huh," she spoke before punching in the security code and opening the door, Tom trailing behind her.
Stepping out into the bright California sunshine, they took note of several large FedEx boxes stacked on his steps. "What the heck? I don't remember ordering anything this big," he said, eying the name on the mysterious packages.
Leaning over his shoulder, Ferryn checked them just to be sure. "They're mine."
He turned around, curiosity written all over him. "What on earth did you buy that big and why so many?"
She suddenly didn't know how to answer him and that was unlike her. "I didn't buy anything. It's some of my stuff from the loft."
Tom still looked confused, trying to lift one of the boxes. "Your stuff?"
"Yeah," she couldn't suppress the laugh that escaped her lips. He was trying so hard to figure it all out unless he already had and was just processing. Ferryn shooed him away from trying to lift a box, taking it from his hands and setting it inside the door. When she reached for another one, his hands on her bicep stopped any further movements.
"Are you moving in, Ferryn?" he asked, his voice thick.
She decided she needed some kind of confirmation again even though she'd bet her life on his answer. "If you still want me to."
"Yes," he told her. His hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her against him. It was a commitment and he'd take it come hell or high water. "You know I want you here with me."
Smiling, Ferryn let out a deep breath she didn't know she'd been holding. The last few weeks had really made her think, put things into perspective. "Good. I wanna be with you."
"What about the loft? I know you love your house."
She held a hand up as she finished putting the last of the boxes inside the house in the entryway. She'd decided to deal with them later, as well as any other hurdles that needed to be dealt with.
"You know what? I don't want to know right now," he voiced, taking her hand as she closed the door behind them once again. "My girl wants her fancy coffee and the quicker we get to that, the quicker we can get to- Other things," he said, sending her a quick wink as she walked around to the driver side door and slid in. He wasn't about to argue that she was the one driving. He found it even a little sexy to see his girlfriend behind the wheel of his car, in control and all the while doing her best to 'take care' of him. He even noticed the extra bounce in his step as he slammed his car door shut and his heart skipped as Ferryn reached across the center of the car, in search for his hand as she backed out of the driveway. She was moving in. She openly and willingly decided to move in. It was hard for her to say she had already lived there most of the time anyways but she was bringing her own possessions from NC to LA. It spoke of a future for them.
Ferryn turned her head and winked back at him, her fingers brushing softly over his knuckles. "You're a smart man, Tom."
He let out a contented sigh, trying to ignore the fatigue that was already taking over him and replace it with the overwhelming rush of love he was feeling.
He just wished and prayed that the ticking clock they'd both mentioned earlier would somehow disappear for good. He wasn't about to let this go for anything.
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Ferryn slowly cracked her eyes open, feeling as though she was being watched. It didn't take her long to figure out exactly whose eyes were boring into her. She could feel his weight against one side of her body. His chest was bare and his skin felt warm against her own. She couldn't prevent the smile that crept across her lips as she stretched.
"Are you trying to cook me with your eyes or something, Kaulitz?"
He chuckled softly. "Maybe. Just watching you while you sleep."
"You practicing to be Edward Cullen 'cause that's kind of creepy."
"Yeah, I am. So what's it to ya?" he asked, his voice full of mock sass.
She couldn't help but laugh, noting that he was dishing out her usual attitude right back.
"Why are you up so early? You're suppose to be taking advantage of this."
He sighed, "I told you, Ferryn, I feel like I got my first fill of sleep the first night I was home and on the plane right home. We don't get time off like this. I'm savoring it."
She smiled a lazy slumberous smile as her hand came up to his face, feeling the rough texture of his cheek. "I know what you mean. It's nice to wake up with you and not have to send you off somewhere or leave and send myself off."
"It is. I love every second of it," he said, coming down to brush his lips against hers."And I'm still trying to get it to sink in that you said you'd move in with me."
"You still want me to?"
He nodded quickly. "Of course I do, baby. You know I want you here."
"I've practically lived here off an on for the last few months, Tom."
"I know but it's different now. It's like you admitted that you wanted to be here. It's not just because of work. It's kind of like the next level for us in a way."
She smiled, taking in what he was trying to get at but something didn't quite measure up behind his smile. He looked lost in his thoughts. "I do want to be here." Leaning forward, she once again captured his lips. "You sure you're okay? You've got this look-"
"What kind of look?" he asked, his brows creasing.
Ferryn shrugged. "I don't know. Kind of like a far off look or something."
Tom looked away quickly. "I'm fine. I just had a dream, that's all."
She looked back at him, question all over her face. "I take it that it wasn't the best?"
He still hadn't looked back at her yet. "No it just got me thinking."
Her thumb traced over his cheek bone. "Are you gonna share, Tom? If it upset you-"
"I'm fine," he lied, changing the subject. "I thought maybe we could go to the beach today?"
Ferryn dropped her hand from his face. She sat up a little and the sheet fell from her pajama clad form. Something was up and he wasn't sharing it. The thought crossed her mind to seduce it out of him but it wouldn't be nice to change her own rules now just to find something out. Still, it bothered her that he still looked lost about something. "The beach? That could be fun," she smiled and moved to sit on her knees as he sat up against the headboard. "You sure you're okay, babe?" she questioned, while moving up to straddle is waist. His hands went right to her hips, fingers slowly skimming up her sides that were exposed by where her tank top had ridden up.
"I said I was fine, Ferryn," he said but his eyes were looking anywhere but hers.
"Okay. Well, you better be," she grinned, running her hands up his chest. That caught his attention fully. Her hands slid around his neck before she began to rub his tense muscles. His head instantly fell forward, dropping heavily against her chest as rush of relaxed air escaped from his lips. "Feel good?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.
"Mmmm. Not moving," he groaned out.
"You're really tense for someone who claims they're over done on sleep."
"Must have slept wrong or something."
"Yeah." She agreed. As her hands came to a halt, her nails ran down his back a few times softly. She pulled back a little and her hands came up to cup his face. "You know I love you, right?"
His eyes crinkled in the corners as a smile met his lips. "Yes. And I love you too."
"Good," she leaned forward and kissed him softly, loving the feeling as his body sank against hers. "I just wanted you to know that."
His hands caressed the skin around her thighs as he leaned his forehead against hers. "I know."
Time ticked by and neither of them said anything as Tom leaned against her. It wasn't unusual for them to be close and not speak but something was off. Ferryn could feel it. She knew he was feeling stress from a million different directions but she hadn't expected him to hold back. It was going to get them nowhere. Instead of prying, she held on to him tighter, trying to absorb whatever he was feeling that he felt he couldn't share. Something deep down told her that whatever his dream was about, it had put his mind in a turmoil and messed with his thoughts. She'd give him time. If that's what he needed before he shared, then that was the only thing she could do.
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Tom looked through his black designer sunglasses at his girlfriend next to him. He watched the way the sun came across her face and how her wavy hair blew in the ocean breeze. Dressed in a pair of jean shorts and pink tank top, her halter bikini top was tied around her neck and she held her flip flops in one hand as they walked along the surf. Her other hand was laced loosely with his. Tom quickly decided that this was what complete contentment felt like. They'd spent the morning having breakfast at a local cafe, overlooking the Santa Monica pier. Afterward, they took their time checking out little shops here and there, admiring the scattered displays of art. Finally, she easily dragged him down to the water where they walked, taking in the sites. Ferryn had once claimed that she was a city girl at heart but Tom noted that he hadn't seen the smile leave her face since they'd arrived that morning. All day his mind was brought back to the dream he'd had earlier that morning. He wished it would just leave the back of his mind.
"What do you mean you're leaving?" Tom asked, his throat closed and his eyes burned red with hurt and anger.
"They want me overseas again. It's work, Tom."
"They who? Please don't tell me you're working with him again."
Her green eyes shot open and Tom could see her blood boiling. He'd already pressed a sore spot.
"Who I work with is none of your business, Tom. Don't you dare use this against me. I thought we were over that."
"Well is it my fault that I'm just a little jealous that this guy gets to see my girlfriend more than I do?"
Ferryn rolled her eyes, refusing to meet his eyes. "You're being ridiculous."
Tom let out a frustrated sigh. "I just got home from the tour, Ferryn. I thought you had some time off we could spend together."
"I have to do this. It's business."
"Business, huh? Am I not worth putting work off a little bit? You can't give me a couple of days?"
She laughed back bitterly. "Oh, that's funny. I'm pretty sure I never stood in your way when you wanted to tour around the entire world."
His face dropped. He walked towards her, reaching out for her hands but she pulled away."I never thought it was a problem. We both knew it would be hard to make us work, Ferryn."
"Yeah, well it seems like all of the work is falling on my part."
He shook his head, taken aback and suddenly feeling tired and defeated. "What's happening between us, Ferryn? You've been like this for over two months now. Always short with me. Treating me like I did something horrible."
She stood there, her hands in the pockets of her jeans. Her head hung low, staring at the ground. When she finally looked up, tears finally spilled over her cheeks. Immediately, Tom closed the space between them, reaching out for her but her hand came up and once again tried to stop him. "I don't know if I can keep doing this."
He swallowed thickly, finally grasping her hands softly in his. "Doing what? Aren't we worth fighting for, Ferryn? You know I love the hell outta you."
He could feel the quiver in her voice. "I just- I think we need some time apart. I can't keep doing this," she said, pulling away from him and quickly leaving the room.
Tom stood their numb, wanting to go after her but he felt as though the breath had just been knocked from his lungs. He somehow made it into the bathroom and stood in front of the sink, turning it on and splashing cold water against his face. He prayed that it'd bring him back to life. His heart ached and his mind was full of questions. He had no clue how he had got to this point. He was tired mentally, physically and now emotionally. Grabbing a towel from the wall, he groaned as he bumped the toothpaste sending it sailing to the floor. He leaned down and froze. He blinked, thinking his eyes were indeed deceiving him as they settled on empty pregnancy test box.
"You awake up there, Tom?"
Tom quickly snapped out of his memories, startled by her voice all of the sudden. "Yeah. I'm fine."
Ferryn nodded, knowing he wasn't telling her the truth. "I can tell you've got something on your mind and I can't help you if you don't tell me."
He shook his head, dropping his hand. "It's stupid."
Reaching out for his hand once again, she stopped him from going any further. "Tom Kaulitz, look at me."
He turned to face her as the surf washed up over their toes. He looked down at her with guilt written all over him, knowing that she wouldn't let this pass.
Extending her arms, Ferryn carefully took the dark sunglasses that hid his dark brown eyes and placed them on top of his head. "Now, why don't we try this again, babe. I know something's bugging you and I know it probably has to do with that dream you had this morning so spill it."
Biting his lip, Tom tried to look anywhere but into her eyes. Still, it touched him that she cared enough to look at far. "I told you, Ferryn, it's dumb."
"Not if it's bothering you like this. It's written all over you."
He took a deep breath, lacing his fingers with hers. "I just- I had a dream you left. Just when I thought everything was going well with us, our jobs got in the way. The distance, the lack of time we spent together. You turned into this person and it was almost like-" he stopped. His head dropped down and he focused on his toes.
Her warm hand against his cheek urged him on. "Like what?"
"It was almost like you hated me for it. For all of it. Because I couldn't be there for you."
"Hey," she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him against her. "You know I don't hate you. And this," she said tossing her hands in the air as they lay around his neck, "Is our job, our life. We pick and choose what we do and we'll get through it together but just so you know, I don't blame you. I'm sorry if my insecurities put those thoughts in your head."
"I'm not blaming you," he said softly.
"I know, Tom, but it's probably my fault."
He shook his head. His forehead rested on her shoulder while his arms crossed at the small of her back. "I'm not placing blame, honey. I just couldn't get it out of my mind. I still can't. No matter how many times I try to forget about it, it's always there. And this time we're spending together, I just feel like it's all temporary. Like it's on loan and things will never be this relaxed and amazing for us. I know I've said it before but it still just feels like one big ticking clock."
Ferryn frowned. "Tom, you have to stop thinking like that. I know things are all up in the air right now but we'll work through them. You have to stop thinking of life on a clock. Look at it like we have all the time in the world together, okay? And like I said, I'm not going anywhere." She reached up and placed a slow kiss to his lips and let them linger. "I'm kind of in love with my boyfriend and I think it'd be pretty hard to replace him."
When they finally pulled apart, Tom's labored breath fanned against her face, a smile creeping on his own. "Oh, yeah? Just kind of?"
She decided to play along with him, her nose bumping against his. "Yeah. Kind of, totally, one hundred and fifty percent. Same difference."
He smiled, this time it reached the corners of his eyes. "That's better." His lips came down to place tiny kisses around her ear. "I'm kind of totally in love with my girlfriend too."
She shivered against him, forgetting nearly everything. "Good. So was that-" her breathing hitched as he added his tongue, moving easily across the skin of her neck. "Was that the end of the dream?"
He pulled his lips away, giving him just enough room to talk. "No, it wasn't but I'm kinda busy here," he mumbled quickly before bringing his lips back to her skin.
Ferryn melted against him, her flip flops quickly tossed up on the sand, away from the surf. "What was the rest of it?"
Tom stopped, groaning in frustration, knowing she wasn't going to let it go. "You left me standing there confused, on the verge of breaking down. Everything around me was foggy and fuzzy and the next thing I know, I'm standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom, splashing water all over my face. I go to reach for a towel and drop the toothpaste and when I lean down to get it, I see a pregnancy test box in the trash can."
Ferryn gasped in surprise. "Tom," she was at lost for words. "Then what?"
He pulled away slightly and she already missed the heat of his body. "I woke up. Confused out of my mind. I really hate dreams with no endings."
She shook her head. "That's exactly what it was. A dream. I hate that stuff like this is bothering you."
"Trust me, babe, so do I."
Her arms came tightly around his neck, drawing his face against hers. "You have to stop worrying, Tom. I have a feeling we'll be fine. Things haven't always been that clear for us and yeah, our relationship sometimes represents a serious roller coaster ride but you have to talk to me about this. Don't shut me out. And I know I'm no one to talk, okay? But I'm learning and we can learn together. That's the only way we'll ever make this work. We've both gotta be on the same page."
He nodded, smiling against her lips right before they meshed together. "Okay," he breathed softly. "No secrets though right? I just- I woke up thinking, wondering-"
She pulled away, looking directly in the eyes. "No secrets. I promise that if I was ever pregnant, you'd be the first to know."
His breath hitched just hearing her talk about the notion of being pregnant. They'd discussed it before but never really discussed it like they were now. She was hearing his fears, knowing his insecurities and for once, he didn't feel as though he was going to pass out. Leaning forward, his forehead rested against hers. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and took several deep breaths.
"You mean that, Ferryn?"
Her hands came up to rest against his face, her thumbs caressing his contoured cheek bones."Of course I do, Tom. We're in this together."
He let out a soft sigh of relief. "That's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Try to not to over think things, Tom. Just know I love you."
"I do. And know that I love you back."
She smiled up at him. "I do."
His grin quickly matched hers until a serious look overtook it. Brown eyes bore in to green as they held each other in the surf, the water splashing between them as neither of them spoke. It seemed that the declarations had easily got the wheels in both of their heads turning. Neither of them dared to speak, to broach the subject or to question it any further.
Several minutes ticked by as Ferryn slowly pulled away, turning to take a few steps and walking further into the water until it reached her calves. She stood there, arms at her sides, head tipped back in the sun taking everything in.
"You love it here, don't you?" Tom asked, his soothing voice meeting her ears.
"Mmm, yes. I could stay here all day."
"We can do that," he reasoned.
"Good," she said, turning abruptly, mischief written all over her face.
"What are you cooking up in your pretty little head now?"
Ferryn bat her eyelashes prettily before laughing. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Uh huh. I'm not stupid," he declared. He placed his hands on his hips just in time to see Ferryn kick her leg up, intentionally splashing water all over him.
"Oh, that's it!" He laughed and he quickly chased after her as she took off from the water.
He chased after her, smiling as her laughter met his ears. Finally catching up, he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her back against him. He swung her around in circles. Once he stopped, he lost his balance, sending them sailing into the sand in a heap of bodies.
Tom lay back, defeated and laughing as Ferryn turned, resting against his chest, her eyes gleaming.
"I knew you were up to no good."
"Yeah, yeah." Ferryn breathed out before laying down against him, a sigh of contentment coming over her as he wrapped his arms around her and did the same.
"Just remember, payback's a bitch," he warned.
"Mmm. I look forward to it, Tom," she said softly as they lay there at peace for the moment.
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Later that day when the sun was softly setting in the distance, Tom and Ferryn had finally retired to the balcony overlooking his pool. They had a front row seat for all of the breathtaking hues painted across the sky. They had spend most of their day at the beach soaking up the silence and the sun, just savoring being alone together. Afterward, they had ventured home, lingering around for a while before they made dinner together. It was an odd sense of comfort to be together in the same room, sharing a meal and not on a time clock.
Tom decided he was already hooked on having Ferryn in his home actually living there. Not much had changed besides the fact she had finally admitted and agreed she wanted to be there with him. He didn't ever want to let her go. As much as he tried to stop the nagging ticking clock in his head, it just wouldn't go away. He told himself that night that he would try to think about anything but that at the moment. He held Ferryn while they lay together in a lounge chair sipping wine. He tried to picture the future and though he had no idea how it would pan out, he was comfortable with the now.
Ferryn shifted ever so slightly and Tom tightened his arms around her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "You okay?"
She smiled, "I'm great, Tom."
"That you are, babe."
"I swear I could sit out here for the rest of my life and not get sick of the view."
Tom nodded. "I know what you mean. I don't know if I'd ever have the heart to sell this house. It'd be one of the hardest things to give up the view."
"Amen to that. So do you ever use this pool out here or is it more for decoration?" she laughed, lacing her fingers through his.
He chucked at that. "Um, that'd be quite the big decoration. Yeah, it's usually used when I have barbeques and stuff. I've been known to come out here and do a few laps here and there, though I haven't been in it for a while," Tom declared, taking a sip from his wine glass.
"Ever go skinny dipping?"
Tom nearly choked on his drink. "Ferryn!"
She looked back at him, an evil sparkle in her eyes. "What? It's just a question."
He shook his head, as his cheeks warmed. "I'm not answering this."
Pulling away from the grasp he had on her, she turned around and sat on her knees in between his legs. "You have! You have guilt written all over your face."
He grinned back at her, "Have you ever gone skinny dipping?"
Her smile match his, "I'm not answering until you do."
"Brat."
Ferryn laughed and decided to throw him off a bit. She leaned forward, softly kissing his lips before she pulled back just slightly. "Have you ever wanted to recently?"
Tom gasped as Ferryn easily secured herself in his lap. "Recently as in now?"
She nodded casually, "Sure."
He swallowed thickly. "I, um- Maybe."
She leaned in a little closer, her warm breath fanning his face. "Maybe, huh? That doesn't seem so sure."
"What about you?" he questioned as his hands came to rest against her hips.
"I may have had a few thoughts, musings, whatever you wanna call them."
"Hmm. I'm always one for satisfying a curiosity," he grinned, leaning forward. His lips moved over her neck. "Wanna go for a late night swim?"
Ferryn shivered against him, quickly becoming lost in the feel of his kisses. "Y-yes but only if you're coming in with me."
"I am, babe, don't worry," he said as he tapped her hip, indicating that he was about to get up.
When she followed his request, Tom stood and reached for her hand as he looked back at her, his eyes dark with a touch of question in them. Ferryn suddenly became shy as he pulled her along with him until they reached the pool. It was lit up by internal lights, leaving it a glowing blue color in the dark night. He reached for the hem of his shirt, quickly pulling it off and tossing it to the closest lounge chair. He closed his eyes as he felt her warm hands smooth up and down his chest.
"You're not going to back out on me are you, baby?"
Ferryn looked around nervously for a second but knew she wasn't about to back down, especially since she had broached the subject. "Nope. Just waiting on you."
He laughed as his hands slid up her T-shirt, feeling the smooth skin of her back. "It's your turn. I lose an article, then you do," he brushed his lips against hers quickly to unnerve her. "Arms up."
Ferryn did as she was told. Tom pulled her shirt from her body, exposing her to the night air. Her first instinct was to cross her arms over her chest but Tom's big hands were already there. "You're so beautiful, Ferryn. I swear, every time I look at you, it still takes my breath away."
She smiled, getting lost in his eyes. "Same goes for you."
He stepped back as he went to reach for the waistband of his shorts but Ferryn's hands were already there. She tugged them, along with his boxer briefs, to the floor. She looked up at him, her eyes heavy, love clearly written all over her face. She looked down, noting that his hands were already on the waistband of her shorts. She realized quickly they were standing there in the dark completely naked. Ferryn tried to think back to a time when she had done something quite this extreme and couldn't put a finger on one. All she knew was that she wanted this moment, right here and now with him.
Tom pulled her against him, letting them feel each other, skin to skin and decided it had been too damn long. He hated to put a number of days on when he'd last held Ferryn like this but it didn't matter. One day was too much. "Come on. Let's go test out the water."
She followed him slowly down the built-in steps. Her body shivered slightly at the coolness of the water. The day had been warm but once the sun went down, some of the warmth had faded. Still she didn't want to chicken out now, knowing this was her challenge. Once the water was at waist length, she felt Tom behind her. His arms easily went around her waist. She turned and smiled up at him.
"It's freezing," she said, as goosebumps moved up her arms.
"You just need to warm up," he winked. He pulled away and went under. He swam to the deep end of the pool. When he came to the surface again, he quickly wiped the water from his face and grinned back at her. "Go under. I promise it will feel better."
Ferryn looked back at him like he was crazy but quickly dived under the surface of the water. When she emerged, she brushed her hair from her face as a smile met her lips. "Feels good."
"It does. Come here," he told her, an evil grin darkened his features.
"Nope. You've gotta catch me."
"Oh yeah?" he asked, moving towards her. He watched as she swam away.
Ferryn laughed, taking in a deep breath before diving under the surface of the water and swimming to the opposite end. When she came up, she wiped the water from her face. She turned around and leaned against the back wall of the pool, not seeing Tom anywhere. Panic was the first thing that ran through her mind but a second later, he appeared in front of her. She breathed out a sigh of relief before she laughed. She tried to move as quickly as she could, knowing he was right behind her.
"Oh, no you don't," he said through his own laughter as he caught her in the corner, neatly trapping her against it.
"Not fair. You came outta nowhere."
"I'm slick like that." Tom grinned, moving closer against her. His body bumped into hers under water. He watched as Ferryn wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding onto him for leverage.
"Hmm, look's like it." She winked.
"So is this what you had in mind?"
Ferryn tucked her hair behind her ears and quickly placed her hands back onto him. "For the most part. How about you?"
"Something like this," he said. His head tilted forward where his lips met her bare shoulder. He softly kissed her shoulder, then his lips moved slickly across her wet skin to her neck before he pulled away. "My thoughts were a little more, uh- Explicit."
Ferryn raised a brow. "Oh, yeah? What'd you have in mind?" she questioned as her legs slid around his waist, causing him to groan.
"I think you're reading my mind, babe," he grinned. His breathing became thick as he trailed his lips up her neck and finally to her lips. His tongue slid easily against hers. It seemed that he gave and Ferryn took it willingly. She go of all the excuses she'd been giving him for the past two days. Tom moved his hands down to her hips and caressed her skin. He slowly backed her up so that her back was flush against the pool, doing its part in holding her up.
Ferryn's hands tangled into his thick wet braids, feeling them easily slide through her fingers as her lips moved against his. One hand dipped down to his chest. She'd never get over how muscular his body was. His strength and stamina fell into a category of their own.
Tom pulled his lips away for a second, only to replace them right below her ear. It was the one place he knew he'd get the best reaction. Just like he predicted, Ferryn nearly melted against him. "Tom-"
"I've got you. Don't worry." Tom swallowed thickly.
Her green eyes were full of lust as they read into each other's souls. She quickly brought her lips against his and she felt his hands come into contact with her breasts. She gasped into his mouth as his hands covered them, palms brushing over the peaks. Her hand traveled down his chest, under the water until she found what she sought. His moan matched her gasp as he regretfully pulled away from from her lips for a second. His breathing was labored and his body was on fire.
"Ferryn, please-"
She readjusted her legs as best as she could as his hands moved against her body, driving her into a heated state in the cool pool. She moved up just slightly adjusting her body to where it needed to be. They were so close to where they both needed to be connected. Leaning up, Ferryn snaked her tongue out against his ear, feeling him shiver. "Take us there, Tom. It's been too damn long."
"Yes," he hissed as he positioned himself between her legs, hands coming to the sides of her thighs. "Oh god, babe. I've needed this. I've needed you."
"I'm here, Tom. All of me."
He shifted slightly so their bodies were flush against one another. His hands wrapped around the small of her back while hers were crossed around his neck as the water splashed around them. "I love you so much, Ferryn. Every part of you."
She brushed her nose against his before joining their lips once again. "Then show me how much," she whispered, pulling away a little.
Tom began moving, their gasps and moans filling the silence of the night. Their hands and lips moved in the same pace as their bodies, looking for any part of skin they could find. Tom kept the pace slow, wanting to savor every little sensation. He quickened his pace which created a wonderful tension coiling between them. The tingle crawled up their skin and settled in the pits of their stomachs. Ferryn tasted his groan of pleasure before she heard it, pulling her lips from his in search for oxygen. Her soft sigh of completion echoed with his ragged pants that rang through her ears.
Silence ticked on for several minutes before either of them dared to speak. Tom's face fell weakly against her shoulder. Her hands calmed his trembling body as Tom felt her legs weakly fall from around his waist but his arms were right there to catch her.
"Wow," he finally breathed.
Ferryn smiled, pressing a kiss to his ear. "A definite wow."
He smiled down at her. "So did this come close to the thought's you had?"
"Oh, yeah. Even better. More explicit, as you say. How about you?"
Tom chuckled. "Exactly."
"So," Ferryn drawled, hanging on as Tom began moving towards the shallower end of the pool. "You never told me or not. Have you gone went skinny dipping in here?"
Nearing the steps, Tom splashed down on one and placed Ferryn easily on his lap. "Yes, I have gone skinny dipping before. Not in this pool though."
"Oh," she said, her voice on the verge of more questions as she wondered who was with him and what he did. He'd have had plenty of other girlfriends.
"Yeah," his said as she turned and allowed her legs to fall to either side of his lap, straddling him. He kissed her slowly, long enough to taste all of her. "And none of those times even come close to what we just did, so stop wondering. No one will ever compare or come anywhere close to what I have now."
Ferryn grinned against his lips, letting out a silent breath she didn't know she was holding. "I love you too, Tom."
-----------------------------
A week later, Tom stood in the doorway of the sliding doors that led out the deck Ferryn had gone to. She was sprawled out on one of the lounge chairs in a yellow bikini, taking advantage of the bright LA sun.
"You sure you're legal in that thing?" Tom questioned.
Ferryn removed her arms from her eyes and sat up. "There you are. I thought you'd gotten eaten by bears or something in your studio."
Tom smiled and walked over to sit on the edge of the chair between her legs. He easily reached for one of her hands as she leaned against him. "No bears. Just working."
She let out a sigh. "I guess it was pointless for me to believe that you might actually take advantage of this time and rest."
"I've done plenty of resting thank you very much. Plus, this isn't work. I'm just messing around down there."
"And I wasn't invited?" Ferryn quirked, smiling back at him prettily.
"Babe, you know you're invited down there anytime you want," he told her. His voice was husky as his hand began moving slowly up and down her back.
"I'll keep that in mind," she said, getting lost in his touch.
"So should I let you get back to your sunbathing?"
Ferryn looked up at him seriously. She shook her head as she leaned forward to kiss him. "Nope. You should lay down here with me if you have time."
Pulling back, it took Tom a minute to speak again. "I always have time for you, babe." He pulled the black T-shirt from his body. He stretched out on his side, pulling Ferryn down against him.
Humming in appreciation, Ferryn snuggled back against the heat of his chest as his arms came around her stomach. "Now this is much better."
"I have to agree with you. This feels nice."
Ferryn sighed in agreement, happy to just relax against him as silence slowly filled the air. The days since Tom had come home from New York had been absolutely prefect. It seemed the time together was just what they had needed to reassess and start their relationship over. They spent their days sleeping in, lounging around, taking walks on the beach, random day trips to Salton Sea or Salvation Mountain, long late night talks and just being a normal every day couple. Talk of work never entered into their conversations, not wanting to spoil the moment. It seemed Tom's fear of having to go back to the grind at the flip of a switch had subsided somewhat but Ferryn knew deep down that it was at the back of his mind, as well as hers. She almost hated herself for bringing it up after a while.
"So have you turned your phone on yet?" Ferryn finally asked, feeling Tom instantly tense.
"No. You?"
"I had it on for a little bit last week but just to scan through stuff for a second."
"Anything pressing?" he asked hesitantly.
"Nothing that can't wait," she told him.
His lips moved to her shoulder, smudging against her skin softly before trailing up her neck. He stopped and his face stayed still in the crook, just breathing her in. "You have no idea how badly I don't want to go back."
"I think I do, Tom."
He wrapped his arms around her tighter. "I just want to stay here with you for as long as I damn well please. It's pretty sad that I had to end up with physical exhaustion to get this time with you."
Ferryn laughed. "You ran yourself to the brim, Tom, but stop worrying already. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere and we will just have to work harder to keep moments like these more frequent than less."
"Mmm, you're right." He kissed the shell of her ear. "I like the way you're thinking, babe."
She smiled and turned slightly as his lips came down on hers. "I love you, Tom. I want us to work."
The grin he gave back nearly melted every inch of Ferryn's heart that had ever been cold. "And I love you and we will work. I love you too much not to try."
"So when do you think their going to have you start doing promo shows for the album?"
"Ugh, probably soon. It'll all be one giant jump into a circus, I'm sure."
She could feel the tension in him start to multiply so she reached for one of his hands at her waist, lacing their fingers together, needing to reassure him. "You'll be fine. Take things one day at a time and speak up when they start running you ragged again."
"I will. I'll have to warn them that you'll be on their heels like white on rice if not."
Ferryn laughed. "You're damn right. Sometimes I need to step in and be the voice of reason for you."
"I know and I love that about you. No one has ever stood up for me and looked out for me like you do, aside from Bill."
"I can't help it. It's just something I do for people I love deeply. It's in my blood."
He smiled, brushing his nose against her neck again. "You know it'll be Christmas soon."
"And who knows where you'll be," Ferryn said, her voice falling.
Tom let out another frustrated sigh. "I want us to be together. We'll work it out."
"Yeah, you're right. I was thinking about it the other day."
"Thinking about what?"
She turned in his arms to face him, his arms hung loosely around her still. "I just picture us and our families together here, celebrating with nothing to worry about for once."
Tom smiled. "I like the sound of that," he said, before he took in the skeptical look on her face. "You do know we can make that happen, Ferryn. We just have to work at it."
She shook her head, knowing it was far less simple than that. "We'll just have to see."
"Stop stressing. Like you said, one day at a time. We'll get through it."
"You're right. I need to stop stressing and worrying. I'll turn into you."
Tom laughed. "And we both know we don't want that to happen."
Ferryn's lips turned up into a smile as she ran her hands through his braids. "No, we don't. I can only put up with one of you."
He leaned forward, his nose brushing against hers. "Oh, is that so Miss Sassy Pants?"
"Mmm," she breathed, feeling his lips dangerously close to hers. She waited for him to close the distance between them. When he didn't, she finally spoke up. "Are you going to kiss me or what?"
"I thought about it," he whispered, not moving an inch.
Letting out a throaty groan, she closed her eyes. "Think harder."
He let out a soft chuckle. "Well when you put it that way... " His voice trailed as he closed the small distance between them and his lips came into contact with hers. He smiled against her lips as Ferryn let out a happy sigh. Her body meshed against his as her fingers pulled at his braids. Tom took his time sipping her bottom lip, pulling to between his own before he felt the soft brush of her tongue, shyly seeking entrance. He readily accepted. It started off slow, not meant to entice but a declaration of love.
Tom had to wonder why he ever questioned himself when it came to kissing Ferryn. Each day, everything seemed to fall more into place with them. It was all he could do to slow himself down and make a mental picture of this moment in time. With Ferryn's lips against his own, her warm skin against him, her hands in his hair and her heart pressed against his, he knew there was nothing more in life he needed.
Their lips moved fluidly against each other as if they were trained to. When they finally pulled apart, breathless and lips swollen, Ferryn lay her head easily against his chest. Tom's forehead came to rest against hers.
"Guess I won't have to think so hard next time," he said softly.
Ferryn chuckled, closing her eyes easily. "Good. You shouldn't have to."
"Momentary lapse of judgment."
A smiled painted over her face as her eyes remained closed. "Excuses, excuses."
"Are we taking a nap?" he asked, feeling her hand run hypnotically up and down his side.
"Mm-hmm. Am I keeping you from something?"
"Well, I was a little more than tempted, seeing you sprawled out here in this little bikini."
He was cut off as Ferryn playfully slapped his butt. "Later," she mumbled.
He chuckled softly to himself as he placed a kiss at her temple and moved her even more closer against him, their legs tangled together. "I love you."
"Love you, Tom."
Tom woke an hour or so later. He looked down at the woman laying so trustingly against his chest, one hand resting on his side and the other tucked underneath her. Reluctantly, he pulled away, hoping her didn't wake her. He easily slid from the lounge chair and turned to head for the sliding glass door. He had to look back at her one last time and all he could do was smile. The studio was calling him.
-----------------------------
Ferryn frowned when she had woke alone. The sky was in its beginning stages of becoming a hazy orange color. Wondering where Tom had gone, she sat up and gave her body a second to stretch as she slid a T-shirt over her head and padded back into the house.
"Tom?" she called out, not seeing any signs of him. Once she had tracked through the main rooms of house, she knew there was only one place he could be, if he was indeed home. Trailing down the steps to the studio, she saw the door was closed, meaning he was working on something. That didn't make sense. The man was suppose to be taking a break from work.
She knocked once, figuring if he answered it, he wasn't doing anything too intense. He'd often told her that 'messing around' in the studio meant doing nothing in particular and it was a great stress reliever. It wasn't too long before she heard him call out a quick, "It's open."
He smiled and turned away from the soundboard as he saw Ferryn walk in. "Hi, love."
She took a second take in his attire. He was dressed in a black T-shirt and gray basketball shorts with his signature glasses adding the finishing touch. Ferryn walked toward him further into the room and rested her arms around his shoulders, dropping her chin to the top of his head. "What are you up to? Don't you know you're supposed to not be working for once?"
He traced the length of her arm affectionately before turning in his chair and pulling her down easily on his lap. "Don't scold. I'm not working. I promise."
"'Messing around' as you like to say?"
"Hmm, something like that," he winked, patting her hip. "How was your nap?"
"Good. I didn't know I was so tired."
He leaned forward, his nose bumping hers. "That's what happens when you're up half the night doing other things."
"If I recall, I didn't start it that time, thank you very much."
He kissed her quickly. "Nor did you object, babe."
She rolled her eyes playfully and her cheeks turned pink. "Okay, point taken, Tom. Anyway-"
"Oh, so it's going to be like that, huh? Just leave blame it on me and run?" he said, humor laced in his voice.
Ferryn shook her head. "You're just up to no good down here aren't you, Kaulitz?"
He chuckled slightly, reaching for one of her hands. "Perhaps." He brought his fingers to his lips and pretended to lock it. "I'll never tell."
"Okay, you are up to no good. I'm just going to pretend I heard no such thing. What did you want to do for dinner?"
A smug smile crept across Tom's lips and Ferryn knew whatever answer he gave her would have her scolding him.
"You?" was his hopeful reply.
"Is there a lack of oxygen down here or something? You're starting to worry me."
Tom laughed and pulled Ferryn against him, caressing the exposed skin of her back affectionately. "I'm just trying to get you riled up, babe. We can do what you want for dinner."
"I thought I'd go take a quick shower first," she told him, then quickly added, "By myself," as she slid from his lap.
Ferryn almost felt bad at the pout her gave her but he quickly turned it into a smile. "Later," he said with a wink. "I'll finish up down here and meet you upstairs."
"Okay. See you in a few," she told him, leaning forward to kiss him sweetly. "Behave down here."
He gave her a quick smile. "I'll try," he said before going back to what he was doing. "First things first," he told himself. She hadn't suspected anything.
-----------------------------
Tom tossed and turned until finally giving up. He reached over on the beside stand for his glasses before turning back to lay in bed, looking over at Ferryn as she slept on peacefully. Dinner and a night out had just been another reminder of all the things he loved about Ferryn. They had eaten at one of her favorite Thai restaurants. The small place overlooked the water, creating a perfect backdrop for a romantic evening. They had continued on with their teasing, taking turns and seeing who could shock the other. Even in that, their love for one another still shined through. He nearly melted each time Ferryn would reach for his hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing his knuckles. On several occasions, she'd find any simple way to stay close to him or brush a kiss to some part of his body, weather it be just to nuzzle his neck the way he loved or to kiss his shoulder as they walked together.
After they'd returned home, they continued on with their tradition of sitting out on the balcony and sipping some wine. Tom was more than happy to have the sweet weight of Ferryn pressed against him as they took up the space on the lounge chair once again. Tom had turned on some soft music and it filled the comfortable silence for them. It made him feel good to know that each time they sat out there, she always commented on the views, letting him know that LA was making up for the constant cityscape she'd had at her loft in Greenville. He still couldn't believe she had agreed to move in. Little by little, she just kept giving more of herself. Before they had finally retired for the night, Tom had halted Ferryn from going inside, bringing her against him as they swayed slowly to the music. He heard no objection when he took over the lead vocals and began singing softly in Ferryn's ear. Her only complaint, even though an easy loving smile was plastered across her face, was that he didn't sing to her enough. He could feel her body relax more and more as the song went on and Tom couldn't prevent the overwhelming feeling that had been taken over his thoughts within the last two weeks.
When they had finally decided to go to bed, their bodies were well relaxed. Tom could only slow down enough to savor the moment. When they had finally made it to the bedroom, there were no teasing arguments of who would start what that night as they both readily went to the other, seeking kisses and lingered touches. When they had finally gotten down to the actual act of making love, they kept things unrushed. They were happy to be able to have the other. It seemed their passion had multiplied for the other, wanting nothing more than to share the act together. They took their time, filling the room with whispers of love and soft gasps of pleasure. When they had finally come down from their high, they both fell against one another, lulling themselves to sleep with the steady thud of the others heartbeat.
It was more than the perfect day, Tom decided as he continued to watch Ferryn sleep. Her hair was spread out over her pillowcase, in all it's wavy light brown glory. Her lips were still full, almost pouty as her body rested easily against the sheets. Her now sun-kissed skin peeked out from under the covers and Tom couldn't resist the urge to run his fingertips up and down her arm. His mind had been running a mile a minute ever since he'd woken up, and there was only one way he knew how to get it off his chest. He leaned over and carefully kissed his bed mate right at her temple. He was cautious not to wake her before slowly slipping from the bed and pulling on a pair of sweats and a tank top. He took his steps easily in the dark, making his way to the studio, knowing it was the only way to finish the overwhelming feeling that had taken over his brain.
-----------------------------
Ferryn woke in the early hours of dawn, just as the sun was rising. It filled the bedroom with a soft shade of orange. She rolled over and frowned, only to find the space beside her was cold and empty. The faint scent of Tom still lingered but he was nowhere in the room. Moving to the edge, she stretched quickly before she found a folded note on the night stand. Opening it up, she saw Tom's handwriting scribbled across it.
You looked so beautiful sleeping that I didn't want to wake you. Follow the flower petals once you're awake.
Love you, Tom
Leaning over the bed, she saw the carpet was indeed covered with a light sprinkle of white flower pedals, leading to somewhere unknown. A easy smile crept over her lips as she padded into the bathroom. She slipped on a pair of shorts and T-shirt, and quickly brushed her teeth. Slowly making her way out of the bedroom, she began following the path of the flowers. They stretched out down the hallway, leading into the living room and the kitchen, all the way to the other side of the house to the balcony they had come to frequent.
Stepping outside to see the sun rising slowly over the sky, haziness took it over before she came into contact with Tom sitting on the bench of one of his most prized possessions. His fingers danced easily across the ivory keys of the baby grand piano before he looked up. His glasses were sitting easily on his handsome face and he smiled back at her. She could only return the gesture, her heart thudding slowly in her chest. Taking the steps across the large balcony, she closed the distance between them and slid in beside him. She took in his relaxed demeanor, sitting there in the sweatpants she'd come to love and a tight white tank top that showed off every definition of his arms and chest. His eyes, a lighter shade than usual, looked back at her. The faint smell of his aftershave still sifted through the air. Ferryn decided that the smell would forever be stuck in her head as his and only his.
Tom leaned forward, kissing Ferryn easily as he closed his eyes briefly, savoring the taste of her. "Morning," he drawled.
"Morning to you too. What is all this?"
"Let's just say we'll call it the trouble I've been getting into in the studio for the past few days."
Her eyes went wide with surprise. "You mean you've been working on something for me?"
He nodded, lacing their fingers together. "You always say I never sing to you enough so I decided you needed something of your very own, from me to you."
She leaned into him a little, feeling so much already. "You wrote me my own song?"
He nodded, letting go of her hand. He smiled as she kept her hand on his leg, before reaching his hands out over the keys. He looked at her quickly, sharing a soft smile with her before he began to play.
Ferryn's breath nearly hitched in her throat as his voice. It was soft and perfectly pitched as it came floating through the morning sunrise.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know, all the wrong turns,
The stumbles and falls
Brought me here.
She didn't even know it but her eyes had begun to well up as she listened to the words that rolled off his tongue so easily. With every word he sang, it became clear to her that he was singing about her, using words only he knew how to express. She bit her lip to stop it from quivering as he continued.
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.
And I know
That I am, I am
I am the luckiest.
Tom chose that moment to look at Ferryn, his fierce eyes meeting her green ones, as he looked at her so lovingly before continuing.
Than I have
Ever found a way to say
To you
That I know
That I am, I am
I am the luckiest.
Tom's voice trailed off as his hands stilled. Ferryn's eyes were wet as tears steamed down her face. Without even thinking, he reached forward and brushed the tips of his fingers under her eyes. "Is silence a good thing?" he questioned.
He nearly slid back as her arms came around his neck. She held on tightly as her face buried against his neck, where she sniffled quietly. "That was amazing, Tom," he heard muffled against his skin. "I love you so much."
He pulled back so he could look at her and his heart swelled with love. He'd put his heart and soul into the song and knew if there was anybody in the world who would appreciate it more, it'd be Ferryn. What he didn't expect was the slight dampness he felt take up the corner of his eyes and the constant thud that had overtaken his chest.
"I love you too, babe. So much."
"I think that has to be the most amazing thing someone has ever given me."
"Well, I'm glad it was me," he smiled.
"Tom?" she asked, looking back at him confused.
"Yeah, Ferryn?"
"You know you're crying right?" she asked, reaching up to repeat the same gesture he had for her. She then brought her hands to his chest. "And your heart's pounding."
He took a shaky deep breath, willing himself to get this right this time. He'd just poured out the things he wanted to say in a song and now it was time for the words that couldn't be spoken that way.
"I just- I have a lot to say."
Ferryn nodded. "Breathe, babe. It's just me."
He felt confident seeing her gorgeous tear streaked face grinning back reassuringly. It told him things was going to be okay.
"I just wanted to let you know that since the day we met, even though we've had our ups and downs, I've never once stopped loving you. I wanted you to know that the first night I met you, I already knew you were someone I'd never forget and someone I wanted in my life, whether it was as my friend or as my girlfriend. I knew that whatever I felt for you wasn't just going to go away and since the day you told me you were fighting the same feelings, I haven't been happier. I know-" he took another shaky breath, seeing the tears he'd wiped away from Ferryn's face had returned. "I know that our relationship hasn't been the easiest but I love you for standing by me, always encouraging me, always standing up for me and always loving me, even though it wasn't easy all the time. You've become my best friend, my soundboard when it comes to music, my confidant and most importantly, my love. I'd fight through hell for you. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, Ferryn."
"Tom." Ferryn said breathlessly, reaching up to cup his face. "You have to be the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. I've never met someone who fights for someone they love more than you do. You've stuck beside me through all of this, all of our ups and downs, all of my insecurities and you've never stopped loving me once."
He interjected, reaching for both of her hands pulling her into his lap. "It's just what you do, Ferryn. You've moved across the country for me, for us. I figured if I couldn't give you the view of Greenville every morning, the least I could do was sing you a song that was only yours while overlooking one of your favorite spots here."
"That's what makes you the most amazing man, Tom Kaulitz. This is one of my favorite spots here but it's only my favorite when you're here with me."
"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. Yeah, our jobs suck sometimes but like you said, one day at a time. We're on the same page right now. We'll work a lot harder."
Ferryn nodded. She moved one leg to the other side of his lap, now straddling him. "What's in your pocket?"
Tom took a shuddering breath. "Why don't you find out?"
She looked back at him hesitantly as her hands slid into his pocket. Her eyes widening as she came in contact with a velvet box.
"If we're not on the same page-" Tom began.
Ferryn quickly pulled the box from his pocket and opened it as her breath caught in her throat and a single tear slid down her cheek. "Do you have any idea how many times I've wished that moment could be relived in my head?"
"Forget about the old and focus on now." Tom tucked a stray curl that had fallen in her face behind her ear. "I love you, Ferryn Layne Phillips, with all of my heart and nothing would make me happier than if you'd one day become my wife."
Ferryn nodded her head repeatedly as her forehead came to rest against his. "Yes, yes and yes. I love you so much, Tom. You're it for me."
"You're it for me too."
He tipped her chin up, kissing her repeatedly. His smile was irreplaceable as he took the diamond engagement ring and placed it on her ring finger.
"It's gorgeous," she gushed.
"Not as gorgeous as you, babe. I want us to grow old together. I want us to have babies together and cry through all the firsts all the way until we send them off to college."
Ferryn laughed placing kisses all over his face. "I want that too. Do you have any idea how many times I've wanted to say yes to you since that night?"
Tom looked back surprised. "Why didn't you say something?"
"Because I knew you'd ask me again. Besides, we were taking things one day at a time."
They shared a kiss that lingered for a while, happy to just share the moment as the sun finally rose behind them. Tom took a second to wipe the moisture from his eyes, then from Ferryn's as they continued to hold one another. They were completely unaware of the time that had ticked on or even what day it was. Right then consisted of the two of them and the love they shared for one another. All the other things in life would just have to wait.
-----------------------------
Ferryn squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry as she stood at the airport. Her fingers were laced with Tom's as she counted down the seconds until he had to go. It had all come too soon but she knew that sooner than later, they'd have to go back to their everyday lives and leave the little haven of a stress-free life they'd created on Tom's time off. His finger on her chin brought her back to life.
"Hey, you know I don't want to leave you, babe," he told her softly.
She looked up with glossy eyes. "I know. I just hoped this day would come later than sooner."
Leaning forward, Tom kissed her forehead. "You and me both. You know I don't even want to go."
"But you have to," Ferryn finished for him.
Tom let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he finally looked back, his eyes were unfocused and unsure. "Yeah, you're right."
"We agreed it won't always be like this. Right, Tom?"
Finally some of the sparkle came back into his brown eyes. "Right. Whose ring is on your finger?" he asked, bringing her hand up to his lips and kissing her knuckles.
"Yours," she said easily, smiling as her heart skipped a beat. It was still so new. "Everyone knows too, right?"
"If by 'everyone' you mean the people our families, then yes. My mom and step-dad said they were just counting down the days."
"I still can't believe you asked my dad at Thanksgiving," Ferryn said, her eyes stared at him lovingly.
Tom leaned his forehead against hers. "I was just trying to do what was right. I love you. I want to be with you forever."
"Yeah, you're pretty amazing. I'm well aware," she winked, just as his flight was called once again.
He let out a weary sigh. "I'll call you when I get to New York," he said. He pulled her against him and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.
Ferryn didn't even hesitate. Despite being in a public place, she wrapped her arms around Tom's neck and brought her lips to his. She made sure she kissed him thoroughly. Tom smiled against her, taking his time to savor the taste of his fiancee long enough to last him through their time apart. When they finally pulled away, they were both breathless.
"I love you too, Tom. Take care of yourself this time or I'll have to come kick some serious ass this time."
He laughed but by the look on her face he knew she meant business. "I will, babe. Promise."
"Okay. You better get going. Who knows what the record company people would do if you were late!"
Rolling his eyes, Tom began to walk backwards. "Probably send out a search party," he laughed. "Have a good week. I'll call, babe."
Ferryn waved, feeling a little piece of her heart walk away from her. Not once in her life had she felt so sure about someone and once again, she was seeing him off to another state and even though they'd been together for a while now, the pain it left her with had yet to dissipate. She tried not to think of the crazy roller coaster that was about to take over their lives. With Tom releasing an album soon, his once hidden celebrity was about to come to a screeching halt. His private life would soon be short lived while promoting his CD and going on tour. Ferryn only hoped she had what it took to take the ride, right along with him.
-----------------------------
Tom regretted ever stepping off the airplane as he walked into his fourth meeting of the day. He'd been dragged around, asked fifty thousand questions and was already dead tired.
"You hanging in there, man?" Rick asked as he followed behind him.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he nodded. "Yeah. Sure."
"I figured you'd come back walking on sunshine. You just had two weeks off from all of this."
Tom fought the urge to roll his eyes. "It's just not the same anymore."
Rick looked surprised as he stopped in front of the door they were supposed to walk through. "I've never known you to give up on music."
"I never said I was giving up. I said it's not the same."
"I realize it's a little different doing it this far in the game, Tom, but you could go big places. You just need this chance. You know you deserve it."
"Yeah, whatever you say. Come on, let's get this over with," he said, walking past Rick without another look back.
Rick could only stand there speechless.
-----------------------------
A week later, it seemed that taking time off didn't make her any less credible. Ferryn had just finished up working with another up and coming singer. Grabbing some downtime, she walked outside and reached for her phone, knowing Tom was most likely busy. She still felt the urge to let him know she was thinking of him.
Hey, babe. Just wanted to say hi and I hope your day is going well. Love you.
She hit send and and tried to think of where he said he'd be today. She was surprised when her phone beeped two seconds later.
I should have never left LA. I miss you already.
Ferryn decided that whatever he was doing, it wasn't going well and she suddenly wished she was with him. She knew Tom could fight his own battles but it seemed like he avoided confrontation as much as he could.
Uh-oh. That good, huh? I'm sorry. Picture me naked if that helps. Miss you too!
Ferryn giggled as she hit send once again. She probably just made his day worse knowing they were thousands of miles away.
Too late for that but it indeed helped. My only dilemma is not being able to do anything about it.
God gave you a hand for a reason, Kaulitz.
Ferryn laughed to herself as she hit send again. This wasn't how she meant for their texts to go but she wasn't going to complain.
One hundred and fifty percent not the same when I can have the real thing.
Mmm, you bring up a good point, stud. Call me when you're done for the day and we'll discuss this further.
Ferryn checked her watch and walked back into the studio, shaking her head. She pictured Tom in a meeting, his head perking up every time his cell phone went off. She could see his pulse on the side of his neck move rapidly as he read what she'd sent him. She smiled seeing he had responded.
Ooh, sounds like a plan. It will probably be late if my predictions are right. I love you.
It's fine. I won't mind if you wake me. Love you more. Have a good day!
Trust me. I'm going to try.
Ferryn walked into the room where she was suppose to meet her next appointment when her phone rang loudly. She answered without looking. "Hello?"
"Hey there, stranger danger."
"Blake?" she laughed.
"The one and only. How dare you not know my voice? Only proof it's been forever since we've talked."
"You know how things get. How are you though?"
"Things are well. I can't complain. Are you busy?"
Looking towards the door, Ferryn saw the musician she was meeting as well as a few other sound people enter the room. "Actually, I am. I'm about to meet with someone at the studio. Rain check?"
"Yeah, I actually wanna meet up sometime soon, if that's possible. I have an offer for you."
"Oh?" Ferryn asked, automatically becoming curious.
"Yes but you're busy and I don't want to be the one that keeps you from making music. Call me when you're free, lady."
"Okay. I'll be in touch. See ya!"
"Bye."
Ferryn hung up her phone, wondering what he wanted. Curiosity had already got the best of her.
-----------------------------
"So you know we're going to start out with smaller shows before you go on an actual tour right?"
Tom nodded, the wheels in his head already turning.
"And then we'll want you to go overseas for a little bit."
"What? Are you kidding me? You guys already have me booked up for the next two years of my life."
"Mr. Kaulitz, you know this is what it takes if you want this album to go anywhere, right?"
"I think this is an overkill."
"It's all about putting in the work. Now, we'd like to start you rehearsing for the club shows-"
"I had planned on getting married sometime in the future."
"What?" came from several of the business men in the room.
"I'm engaged."
Rick looked up from across the room, surprised. "Tom! Congrats, man. Why didn't you say anything?"
"And when exactly did I have time for that, Rick?"
"Dude, we used to be friends."
"Well the business part of that kind of gets in the way, right?"
"Not to be a buzz kill but announcing an engagement around the release of an album doesn't exactly scream high sales."
Tom looked across the room bewildered, trying not to go on a verbal rampage. "I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not nineteen with three other guys beside me. I'm pretty sure my image will be fine."
"It's just a precaution, Tom. We're all trying to help you here."
He shook his head and looked toward Rick, hoping he'd read his mind. With that he stood. "I assume we're done here?"
"As long as you have all the dates down."
Tom rolled his eyes but breathed out a small sigh of relief as Rick followed him to the door. "Yeah, got it. Whatever you say."
Once out in the hallway, Rick looked to his friend surprised. "Man, what's going on with you?"
"Seriously, Rick? They have me booked up forever. I'm not an idiot. I don't need this much damn promotion."
"I thought you'd be excited."
"Well, here's a news flash: I'm not! I'm twenty-four years old, man. I didn't think releasing music would have me prancing around the entire world."
"I don't even know what to say anymore. I thought we were in this together."
"On that note, I'm going to go now and get some sleep before I say something I'll regret."
Rick stood there, hands in his pocket. "Tom, I meant what I said. Congrats on the engagement."
Tom nodded, accepting his words before turning back around toward the exit doors.
-----------------------------
Eagerly Tom waited for the one person to soothe his shitty day to pick up the phone as it rang.
"Hey, Tom."
"Hey, babe," he said with a soft voice.
"How was the rest of your day?"
Tom grunted as he kicked off his shoes and began to undress with one hand.
"That good, huh?" Ferryn laughed.
"They have me booked doing shit for the next two years of my life. I'm so sick of it. Then one of the jackasses had the nerve to make a comment about how getting engaged while putting out an album isn't the best for record sales. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not some piece of meat that comes with buying the damn CD! I mean where in the hell does he get off saying that shit? I swear, I wanted to reach across the table and punch the ass in the face. Then-"
"Tom!" Ferryn called softly. "Take a breath, honey." She smiled when she heard his deep breathing across the phone.
"Sorry," he said, running a hand over his face. He finally free himself of his jeans and fell onto his bed.
"It's okay. Just calm down. You know you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about all that stuff."
"But seriously, Ferryn, we have a wedding to plan."
"We'll plan it, Tom."
"You're right. I need to stop stressing like this. How was your day?"
"Busy but good to be back in the swing of things," she replied as she yawned.
"Are you gonna fall asleep on me?"
"Mm, no. I wanted to hear your voice."
"I seriously hate this. I know I probably sound like a spoiled little boy right now but I'm so over all of this bullshit. I already miss you."
"I miss you too, Tom. We knew this is how it would go."
"It's going to be Christmas soon and I had wanted us all together to tell our family."
"If you can, make it happen. We'll fix all the kinks."
"I love how we've magically switched rolls here. Enough about work though. What's the rest of your week look like?"
"Well, I don't have anything too pressing as of yet. Waiting for Sam to get back to me on a few things."
"I know it's probably crazy to ask but do you think you'd get some time to slip away?"
"I'll have to see, Tom." She closed her eyes, already dreading the distance between them.
"Okay. Let me know. I don't know how much longer your 'picture me naked' texts will last me."
Ferryn burst out laughing, wishing she was there to see the sly grin on his perfect face. "Hey, I do what I can to help," she told him.
"Oh yeah, you helped so much, babe. I love sitting in a meeting with a hard-"
"TOM!" She laughed again. "I guess it's a good thing I didn't send an actual picture then."
Tom propped one hand behind his head as he slid beneath the covers. "Hmm, I think you should. You know, for times where I need a face to go along with the image in my head and stuff."
Ferryn scoffed, mixed with a laugh. "And stuff, huh?"
"So what are you wearing?" he asked abruptly.
Ferryn looked down, thrown off by the question. "A tank top and panties. My usual."
"Hmm, not when I'm home."
"Well, my bed is empty so I'm rocking my no sex PJ's."
"Ugh, don't remind me."
She smiled, picturing the pouty look on his face. "What are you wearing, mister?"
"Hmm," Tom said looking around the empty room. "Nothing."
Laughing, Ferryn cursed herself for picturing him. "Liar."
Joining in her laughter before he finally confessed. "Just boxers. Why?"
"Hmm, I don't know. I was just trying to paint a picture in my head."
"Oh, yeah? Are you in that picture with me?"
"I would hope so." Ferryn laughed.
"You know what I mean, babe. What are you doing?"
"Talking to you."
"Smartass," he laughed lightly, hearing her do the same. "You know what I mean."
The line was silent for a few seconds. Just when Tom thought the line had gone dead, Ferryn finally responded. "Wishing you were here with me." Her voice was soft with just a hint of hurt on the other end.
"And if I was?"
"You'd be doing other things with that mouth besides talking, that's for sure."
His breath quickened at her confession. "Yeah? Like what, babe?"
"Hmm, I'm sure you can use your imagination. You're a smart man."
"I'd be kissing the breath out of you. Tasting all your sweet gasps and whimpers on my tongue. Then I'd take my time, tasting your sweet skin from your neck all the way down to your toes. I'd stop at all those spots that make you crazy. You know I know just exactly how to."
Ferryn swallowed thickly. "Mm-hmm. I'd do the same for you."
"Oh, yeah? How, baby? Tell me."
"Hmm, I'd take my time seducing, kissing, tasting until I felt your body quiver, begging for a release, then I'd-"
He interrupted her from going any further. "Ferryn?" he asked, his voice held that husky tone but stayed soft. "Are you touching yourself?"
She followed the path of her other hand. She realized that her fingers were now easily grazing the skin where her tank top had ridden up above her panty line. "Tom, I don't think I can-"
"Do it. Please," came a breathless command.
With her heart skipping a beat, Ferryn could hear the desperate, turned on plea coming from her fiance and decided to throw all hesitation out the window. If this was how they could stay connected, so be it. "I am, Tom. I wish it were you."
"No, baby. Close your eyes. It is me. Keep going."
"Mmm. Are you touching yourself too?"
"Mm-hmm. I can feel you, baby. I can smell your sweet skin. It's been way too long. I need you."
"I'm here."
That was all Tom needed to know. They continued taunting each other; teasing, whispering thoughts and desires as if they were together, free to relish in the physical act itself. They drove each other into a whirlwind of pleasure. All it took were certain words coupled with the right caresses they could only provide themselves before everything came to the final release.
Ferryn gasped, coming down from the waves of pleasure she had just given herself as she listened to the same sounds over the phone. She could hear Tom's deep labored breaths, the ones she'd heard dozens of times after they'd just made love. It was almost too powerful of a feeling not to picture him; spent of all energy, his forehead damp with sweat and pressed against her neck as she tangled her fingers through his braids. She could almost feel the weight his body, warm and slick against her own even though the bed she lay in was empty.
"Ferryn?" he asked. His words were hollow and spent.
"I'm here, Tom. Are you okay?"
"Mmm, yeah. I'm good. That was hot."
Ferryn laughed lightly but she had to agree. She could honestly say that was the first time they'd taken their 'naughty' talks that far. "Mmm, yes. Think you'll be able to sleep now?"
"Even though this bed is cold and empty without you in it, yes. This will hold me over for a while."
"It'll have to do for a while longer, Tom. G'night. I love you."
"I love you too, Ferryn. I'll talk to you soon."
-----------------------------
Ferryn spotted Blake right away as she walked to the small table of the outdoor patio restaurant. She removed the sunglasses covering her green eyes as she approached him. "Well, if it isn't the artist formally known as Blake."
Blake turned and instantly stood. A smile took over his features as he enveloped Ferryn in a hug.
"Well, if it isn't the one and only Ferryn Phillips," he said, releasing her from his grasp.
"It's good to see you!"
"Ditto. Have a seat," Blake said, pointing to the chair in front of him.
Ferryn did so and smiled at the man sitting in front of her. She really had missed him. In London, they had become close, then everything had fallen apart. Reuniting with him on her birthday had proved to her over and over that he really was a good guy. "So how are things? I see that the album did pretty well."
Blake winked across the table, smiling. "I did have one badass songwriter/producer."
Ferryn laughed and shook her head. "This is true."
"Things are good. As you know, the album did really well and I'm about to go on tour."
"Really? That's awesome! I just know you'll do really well."
"Thank you. I'm really excited. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."
Ferryn looked back at him in question. "Really? Why me?"
Blake's hands fiddled with the napkin in front of him as he if was hesitant. "I know it's not your gig per se but I was wondering if you'd manage the tour. I need someone with a solid creative outlook on things and someone who knows my music. I know you think like I do and I've heard your ideas with things like this, Ferryn. You're the only one I trust."
Ferryn was nearly speechless. It had always been a dream of hers to someday do something like this. She was in complete shock. "Wow. I honestly don't know what to say."
Blake laughed just as the waitress came over and took their drink orders. After making his order, he turned his attention back to the woman in front of him. "Have I really rendered the Queen of Sass speechless?"
"I think you have," she said, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears.
"Um, okay. Hold the phone here," he said as he looked across the table. "How in the world did I not notice that rock on your finger until just now?"
Ferryn bit her lip but easily held her hand out for her ring to be inspected. She laughed as he whistled, checking it over carefully.
"I kind of predicted this is how you two would end up. Congrats, girl!"
"Thank you."
"I'm assuming all water is under the bridge now and you're nothing by happy?"
Ferryn nodded, a constant reminder of how much she really did miss Tom. "Yes. I've never felt like this about anyone. Tom is it for me."
"You can tell how much he loves you just by seeing that man look at you. I'm really happy for you, Ferryn."
She'd been told that exact same thing by several other people which had only added confirmation to what she already knew. "Thank you but we're not here to talk about me. Now seriously, you want me to manage your tour?"
"Yes, you. We're starting out over seas and if everything goes well with that, we'll start adding US dates."
Taking a deep breath, she tried to process everything. Going on tour meant being away from home for months at a time. She instantly thought of her fiance, knowing that he was about to do the same thing. For some reason, all she could see in her mind was that big giant ticking clock. This was one of the biggest opportunities she'd had in her musical career, not to mention a dream of hers. The mental war began as she tried to see the future and find the time to plan a wedding, let alone get married. It all just seemed like a big mess and something deep down inside her told her she'd have to choose what was more important.
"First of all, I want to say that I'm flattered you thought of me. Second, can I have some time to sleep on it before I give you an answer?"
Blake shifted in his seat before he nodded. "Sure. You know how these things go so the sooner the better."
"I know, trust me. I just- I have so much up in the air right now."
"You don't have to explain to me, Ferryn. I know how things are. I do have to let you know that we sign contracts for the tour on the 17th so before you have to make your decision before then."
She nodded and made a mental note. She smiled gratefully at her friend but inside, her mind was going back and forth, weighing out all of her options. She'd be lying if she said the opportunity didn't thrill her.
The lunch continued on with chatter between the two of them, catching each other up on things since they'd last seen each other. When Ferryn finally hugged Blake goodbye, she was once again reminded of how easy he was to get along with. She could foresee all the fun she knew she'd have going on tour with him. Working for someone you got along with and liked as a person only added excitement to the creative aspect of the entire opportunity.
Now the only thing left to do was decide which was more important: A long time dream or the beginning of her life with Tom.
-----------------------------
Ferryn was driving home from her meeting with Blake, strongly needing sleep when here phone rang. Not even looking at the caller ID, she answered. "Hello."
"Hey, babe."
A drowsy smile slid across her features at the voice that greeted her. "Hey yourself, handsome. This is an odd hour for one of your calls."
"I just wanted to hear your voice," he whispered.
Ferryn could hear the longing and loneliness in his voice. She contemplated if now was the right time to tell him the deal she'd just been offered. "Whats the matter, stud?"
"Tired. Missing you. Stressed out beyond belief. You know."
"Sorry, Tom. If I could keep my eyes open long enough to make it to the airport, I'd come see you."
"You okay? You said you've overslept for the past two days in a row."
"Fine. My body clock is just messed up," Ferryn said nonchalantly as she turned onto their street.
"You sure? Are you feeling okay?"
"Fine. Just tired as ever. I guess I've been out of the work swing for longer than I thought."
"If you're sure-"
"I am. Stop worrying, Tom. You have enough on your plate."
"I'm pretty sure you come way before any of this album crap, Ferryn. You better know that too."
And the guilt began to settle. Her eyes widened even though he couldn't see her. She had to admit she hadn't expected him to be so adamant about everything. It was almost like if she asked, he'd drop it all. "I do."
"Good. I mean it. You're more important, Ferryn. So much more."
Ferryn was almost too stunned to form any coherent words. He seemed so adamant to prove to her that he was in this for the long run. "I love you, Tom."
Tom didn't miss the silent longing in her voice. Something just didn't sound right. "I love you, Ferryn. How's your day been?"
"It's been fine. Went into the studio for a while. Had a business meeting this afternoon."
"You sound so unenthusiastic, babe, which is totally unlike you. Are you sure you're okay?" Tom frowned.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you sure you're okay? You just sounded like you had a reason for your call."
"Do I need a reason?" Tom challenged.
Ferryn could tell where this was going and wasn't on the mood for taking the bait. "Seriously, Tom, I'm not in the mood to argue."
"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. It's just- Well, they gave me a date for the first show."
"Really? That's great, right? When is it?"
"A week from today. The 17th, I think. I don't know if I can do this again-" he trailed off, suddenly unsure of himself.
"Shit!" Instantly, a light bulb went off in her head with the date he'd just given her. "Tom, you've got this. You were born a performer."
"I just- I hope so. You'll be there right?"
"You said the 17th?"
"Yeah."
Ferryn didn't mean to but the word slipped out before she could stop it. "Shit."
Tom laughed slightly, not expecting those exact words. "Um, shit?"
"I was given an offer today, Tom. An amazing offer."
He let out of soft whoosh of air. "Okay, go on."
"I met with Blake today and he's going on tour soon. He asked me to manage his tour."
Tom tensed at the mention of Blake's name but quickly pushed the feeling away. He tried to find it in his heart to be happy for Ferryn, knowing this was something she'd thought about before but hardly ever voiced. The second wave of emotions came flooding to him quicker than he predicted. He pictured her being away from him for weeks and months at a time, and wondered exactly where that would leave time for them, as a couple, to start their lives together. He wanted to marry Ferryn, to start a family, and was already second guessing his own tour because of that. He was suppose to be happy for her but happy didn't fit into the category of jealous longing that settled in the pit of his gut. He tried to keep his voice as neutral as possible. "That's great honey!"
She could read him like a book, even over the airwaves of a phone. "Really?"
"Yeah! I know it's something you used to talk about."
"So you think I should do it?"
Tom swallowed the thick feeling in the back of his throat. "If you want to-"
"I'm asking what you think I should do, Tom. Not what I want."
He was silent for a moment, trying to word himself carefully. "What about us, Ferryn? I mean, if you're one way and I'm the other, where will that leave us?"
"So you think I should turn it down?" she asked, her voice finally agitated.
"Well-"
"Just say it, Tom. You don't want me to do it."
"Well, judging by the 'shit' that came out of your mouth earlier, I'm guessing it somehow overlaps my show on the 17th, correct?"
"Do you know how ridiculous that statement just sounded?"
"Am I right?" He smirked although she couldn't see it. "When were you going to tell me about this, Ferryn?"
Ferryn was officially pissed. "For your information, I just found out about this. I haven't given him my final word yet. I thought that you, being someone who loved, supported and wanted what was best for me, would be happy about this and not think only about yourself but I guess I was too stupid in thinking that."
"Ferryn, wait! You know damn well that's not-"
"No, I'm done with this conversation. I refuse to say anything else before I say something and really regret it. It's good to know where you stand though, Tom. Goodbye," and with that, the line went dead.
Ferryn wondered how she ever thought her career would be just as important as Tom's. She'd always supported him, no matter what, and figured he'd do the same for her. It seemed like it'd taken them over a lifetime to get where they were just seconds ago, then one selfish comment made her lose all hope. She knew he was tired and stressed and it probably wasn't the best time to bring up the job offer but out of all days, it had to clash on the day of his first show. She knew he needed her to be there but at the same time, she had to put herself first for once. Ever since she'd met Tom, she'd always considered him in all her decisions and did her best to make them work as a couple. Moving to LA had opened new doors for her and in light of that, she'd always made several sacrifices. All she could see in her future was the constant run around. It'd be the never-ending juggling of who was where in the relationship and when the next time they'd get to see each other would be. They'd had this conversation time and time again, telling each other it wouldn't always be like this but deep down, she somehow knew it would. Ferryn asked herself again if that was the kind of life she wanted. It seemed someone was going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice.
She was unable to fight off the sting in her eyes any longer. She pulled into the drive way and tossed her phone onto the passenger seat beside her as she cradled her head in her hands against the steering wheel. And just like that, everything seemed broken once again.
-----------------------------
Ferryn's eyes ached and burned. She let out a breath of frustration for the hundredth time as she got up and paced the length of the room. It had been the longest week of her life ever since she'd hung up the phone with Tom. Her anger had gotten the best of her once again, causing everything she felt she believed in to crumble to pieces. After their argument last week, Ferryn had been anything but sympathetic with Tom, refusing his calls and not making any of her own. She was angry at him for assuming that her life would be put on hold while he was off doing the exact same thing. He had expected her to tag along like some piece of luggage.
She'd went back and forth a dozen times, trying to make the right decision, trying to decide which direction to go. She'd just been handed one of the biggest opportunities of her career that was giving her the the chance to see the world, to use her creativity on other things besides songwriting and producing, to venture into bigger and better things, and too see herself to her full potential. Moving to LA had opened many doors for her, all in which she'd done on her own with her own producing talents. That said a lot for her dignity considering the man she went to bed with almost every night. Tom.
Ferryn loved him beyond words but found herself wondering if that was enough to keep them together. She had been hurt by his selfish assumptions and was beginning to wonder if it would always be like this when he was away. She had put up her wall again and believed she could survive without him. She preferred the behind the scenes of the music while he was a born talent to be seen by people. His music deserved it. She'd tried proving that to him time and time again and where was he now? Trying to start all over with his career doing just that. Being in the same business seriously sucked. Music is what brought them together and here it was pulling them apart. They'd been through so many ups and downs in their relationship. It seemed this one had come at full force and she didn't know if she had the strength to get back up again.
"Ferryn!" Someone spoke, shaking her from the deep thoughts she'd been in. She turned her head to see her sister.
"What Raluca?"
"You need to snap out of this. I hate seeing you like this."
Ferryn ran a hand over her tired face. "Trust me I'm trying."
"Have you called him yet?"
She scrolled through her contacts but didn't dial. "No. I don't know if I'm going to."
"Ferryn, he deserves to know," Raluca said as she stood and grabbed her sister's suitcase.
"Yeah, yeah. Thank you reminding me for the tenth time."
"Come on. You're going to be late."
-----------------------------
Tom paced the dimly lit hallway, eagerly looking at his cell phone. He'd lost count of the number of times he'd called Ferryn, each time receiving no answer. It'd been days since he'd last talked to her and it was killing him.
They'd had little arguments like this before. They'd been on so many roller coasters he'd lost count but for some reason, this particular argument seemed to affect her more than he thought. He realized his words had been selfish. He had been spoken without thinking of all sides but it didn't matter. For all he knew, he could have ruined everything. On the third day of trying to call her and not getting her to pick up, he began to panic. He had every intention of dropping everything and flying home but he'd been warned that if he left, he'd forfeit everything he'd been working on. Had his first solo show not been so soon, Tom was positive he wouldn't have even hesitated to leave and get to Ferryn to make it right. For all he knew though, she'd agreed to go on tour with Blake, not even giving him a second thought. After all, he was about to go on tour himself if he continued to be dragged around like a puppet on strings.
But here he was seven days later with his hands sweating like crazy, getting ready for his first solo show. He took a second, leaving Ferryn what seemed like the millionth voice mail, letting her know that he was stupid, that he hadn't been thinking when he got angry and he'd do whatever he could to find a happy medium with things. He ended with the one thing that was running through his mind all day, dropping subtle hints that he needed her to be at his show tonight. Out of anyone, she was the only one that would put him at ease.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried so hard to push away the sick feeling that had made a home in the pit of his stomach. Taking a deep breath, he went into the dressing room that had been given to him for the night. He took a seat on the couch across the room, rolling up his sleeves and burying his face in his hands. He realized that with each second that passed, he was slowly falling apart. He was being dragged into a career he didn't want anymore and now he might have just destroyed his relationship with his fiancee.
A light knock on his door had him on his feet quickly. Without even hesitating, he opened it only to see Rick on the other side. Instantly, his heart fell and the feeling in his stomach returned.
"Hey, man, how you holding up?"
Tom laughed disgustedly. Rick knew what was going on and tried to offer advice as a friend. It did little help. "Not good," he shrugged.
"Still no word from her?" Tom shook his head, then turned around to return to his place on the couch. "She'll call man. I know it. Give her time."
"It's been a week, Rick. I obviously really fucked things up."
"I know Ferryn loves you. She's wearing your ring, Tom. That stands for something."
"I have no proof she even still has it on. For all I know, she could have moved out and be back in North Carolina."
Rick went to sit beside his friend. "You're beating yourself up about this way too much. I know she has more class than that. I highly doubt she'd walk out of your life without any kind of explanation. You can't be in a committed relationship like the two of you have been in and just up and quit. Even I know her better than that."
Tom listened intently to Rick and it did make some sort of sense. Ferryn was better than that. Still, it didn't explain why it'd been a week and he'd heard nothing from her. Not even a month before they'd been so happy in love and ravenous for one another. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Rick and nodded. "I sure hope you're right."
He nodded, patting Tom on the back before standing. "Let me know if you need anything. I'll come get you when it's time for sound check."
"Right, whatever." Tom didn't even look up to see Rick leave the room.
He glanced at his watch, noting that he'd be on stage before too long. He did the math of the time in LA. "Where in the heck is she?" For all he knew, she could have already agreed to go on tour with Blake and be working with him right this second. Once Tom calmed down, he was honestly excited for Ferryn. He recalled several conversations they'd had where she said she'd love to be behind a tour some day and her ideas had been pretty brilliant. Ferryn's talent didn't have limits or capacities, it just naturally ran through her. Instead of congratulating her on one of her dreams coming true, he had to be selfish. The truth was, he did wonder where that left them. He was ready to marry her today. He wanted them to start a life together. He wanted something solid and now all he was left with were questions and uncertainty.
-----------------------------
"You sure you don't want to change your flight?"
Ferryn looked at her sister and bit her lip in hesitation. "I have to do this."
Raluca nodded and hugged her sister. "I just wanted to remind you of something."
Ferryn rolled her eyes, knowing Raluca would tell her regardless if she wanted to hear it or not. "And that would be?"
"Remember when you and Tom had that big argument where you weren't sure of anything?"
Ferryn closed her eyes for a second, not wanting to relive it. "Yes."
"Well, you told me that you told Tom you had moments where you wanted him to be selfish for you when it came to your career so why can't you do this for him? I mean, I know he supports you, Ferryn. I've listened to the man rant and rave about your talent. He knows exactly how amazing you are so you can't exactly say he doesn't support you."
"I never said he doesn't support me, Raluca,"
"No but you got mad at him for not understanding when you told him you were going to spend the next few months overseas on tour with another man who, might I add, at one point and time caused a mighty big riff between you and Tom."
"I'm pretty sure he's over the thing with Blake by now."
"He might act like it but, Ferryn, guys are weak inside. Try seeing this from his perspective. You've done nothing but encourage and push him to do this solo thing and you know he's having a hard time with it. It's kind of hypocritical of you to just up and leave when he needs you most, regardless of whether it's for a job. You agreed to marry him too. It's not just you anymore. It's 'we' and 'us'."
She tried to tell herself she already knew exactly what Raluca was telling her but if she was honest, Ferryn knew that hearing it from someone else did make it sound slightly different. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she closed her eyes and tried to take a soothing breath in and out, hoping and silently praying she was making the right choice. She stood abruptly and shook her head, trying to remove the mental cobwebs and bring herself together.
"My decisions already been made, Roo. I don't know why we're still talking about this."
"Because sometimes you're honestly so stubborn and need to be reminded."
"Whatever. I'm going to be late for my flight. I've gotta get going," Ferryn said as she hugged her sister.
"Yes, get going. You're starting to get on my nerves. Be safe."
"You too! Give Star a kiss for me and tell Mom, Dad and my favorite brother-in-law I said hey."
"Yeah, I will. And Ferryn, whatever you do, think long and hard. Sometimes things aren't always fixable."
Ferryn nodded, feeling the ache and regret in her chest. "I know, Roo. Trust me."
Raluca watched her sister board the plane before looking at her watch and walking to her gate. She looked down at her purse, hearing her cell phone ring inside. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," she muttered to herself. "Hello?"
"Hey, uh- Raluca. It's Tom."
"Hey, Tom," she immediately wanted to run back onto the plane and strangle her sister, hearing the hurt in his voice. It was very obvious.
"Look, I know you have to know by now what's going on with Ferryn and I just need know if you have any idea where she's at? It's been a week and I'm seriously worried about her."
"I can promise you she's fine, Tom. I actually came to LA to spend some time with her, then we flew back to North Carolina for a while."
"Oh, okay. Do you, um- Do you have any idea why she's not picking up my calls? I don't mean to drag you into all of this but it's killing me, Raluca."
"I wish I could answer for my sister, Tom, but you know how she gets. She's stubborn."
She heard him let out a strained chuckle. "Yeah, I know. I just- She's never done this before."
"The best thing I can tell you is that she's re-evaluating things. She's just being Ferryn to put it in the best words."
"Re-evaluating? Did she-" he paused for a second. "Did she take the job, Raluca?"
"I'm not the one to give you that answer, Tom, as much as I'd like to."
She heard his breathing catch slightly. Even over the phone she could tell he was a wreck. "Okay, you're right. Um, is this fixable?"
Raluca closed her eyes, feeling instant disgust toward her sister. Sometimes Ferryn had no clue how badly the things she did affected other people. "Honestly, I believe anything is fixable but the only person that knows that answer is Ferryn."
"Can you just answer me one question and I'll let you go?" he asked.
She walked through the busy airport, weaving in and out of people trying to keep reception. "Yeah, Tom. Go ahead."
She could hear him swallow the lump in his throat. "Is she still wearing her ring?"
Finally she was able to give him some kind of hope. "Yes, Tom. She is."
She could hear him let out of whoosh of relief. "Thanks, Raluca."
"No problem, Tom."
They exchanged goodbyes and Raluca instantly wanted to call and let her sister know exactly what kind of hell she was putting him through. She wanted to call Ferryn and tell her she could hear the hurt in Tom's voice but Raluca knew it would be pointless. Ferryn was hard headed and when she would call him, it'd have to be on her own time with her own free will. As much as she loved Tom, Ferryn would have to mend her own wounds.
-----------------------------
Tom had just finished up his sound check, barely making it through. It was technically just a practice but he knew what was to come wouldn't be the same. He'd be on stage, in front of a thousand or so of faces when all he really wanted to see was one. He'd been going through the motions of his songs for what felt like years now when it had actually only been about a month. The constant rehearsals, tweaking certain songs, trying to make them better and sound just right from the stage for the crowd; it all got old so quickly and in all honesty, it just didn't feel the same. None of it was feeling like it once did.
His thoughts were quickly distracted as he turned back to see Bill standing against the wall, watching with pride written all over his face. It'd been a while since he'd seem him.
"You never fail to amaze me, big brother." Bill said, pulling the older man in for a hug.
Tom easily rolled his eyes but accepted the praise. "Thanks," Tom said, shuffling his feet a bit before his hands went to the pockets of his jeans.
"You look like shit. Still no word from her?"
"No. I got desperate and called her sister."
Bill's raised an eyebrow in surprise. "And?"
"Raluca wouldn't say much but she did say Ferryn hasn't taken off her ring so that has to mean something. I mean, I know I pissed her off but I didn't think she do this."
"Maybe she just wanted to take some time to herself, Tom. Think things over."
Tom shook his head, suddenly in need of a stiff drink. "And that requires not talking to me for days at a time? What the hell ,Bill? She's just going to decide she's done with me. I know it."
Bill shrugged patting his brother on the back as they left the stage area. "I know she loves you. Just give her time."
"When did you last see her?" Tom asked, knowing that Bill had finally been home here and there within the past few weeks.
"Um, last week I think. She introduced me to her sister."
"Did she seem alright?" he asked his brother as they went back to his dressing room.
Bill shrugged, taking a seat across the room. "I guess. I probably shouldn't say anything-" Bill trailed off.
Tom ears perked up. "What do you mean you shouldn't say anything? About what?"
Bill swallowed thickly while readjusting the collar on his shirt nervously. "I was taking the trash out in the bathroom the other day and there was a pregnancy test box in there."
Tom instantly felt his face pale. It was just like the dream he'd had. "She didn't say anything to you?"
Bill shook his head adamantly. "Nope."
"Did she seem sick or off to you or anything?"
Bill tried to think back. "No. She just seemed tired and kind of upset about stuff. I figured by overhearing her and her sister that you guys must have had an argument or something."
Tom stood and ran a hand over his face. He felt like the weight of the entire world was sitting on top of his chest. "Is this why she was pushing me away? Is she really pregnant?" He recalled her being really tired lately. "That goes along with pregnancy, right?" He'd had these same thoughts many times and Ferryn had told him he'd be the first to know if she ever was. It just didn't make sense. "I really don't want to do this anymore, Bill."
"Do what? Be with Ferryn?"
"No, not that. Of course I want to be with her. I love her more than anything," he threw his hands up in the air in defeat. "This. Music, performing, not like this anyway."
"Are you serious? I thought this is what you were put on this planet to do, Tom. You're so damn talented."
Tom shook his head. "I get that and I'm thankful for it but nothing feels the same anymore. I don't want it to be like this. I want a wife and a family that I'm not separated from all the damn time. I don't want to go on tour or do ten thousand interviews and have to worry about deadlines and schedules every damn day. Right now all I want to know is where she is, Bill. It's killing me. I don't give a shit if that room out there is filled with a million faces tonight. The one person I want to see out in that crowd tonight is her but she probably won't be out there."
"All I can say is that you need to do what makes you happy and if giving this up is what it takes, then do it. If I had the power to fix all this and make her appear, trust me, I would."
"Call her for me, Bill. She loves the hell out of you. Maybe you could talk some sense into her."
Bill stood, pulling Tom in for another hug. "If that would solve everything, I totally would do it, Tom, but I'm afraid Ferryn needs to come back to you on her own. That's the only way you'll know it's real."
"Sometimes I don't know why I fight so hard," Tom confessed.
"I know exactly why, Tom. It's because you've never loved anyone like you love Ferryn. No one's ever made you feel the way she does. It may be hard at times but the best things in life are worth fighting for."
Tom stared at Bill through watery eyes. "I don't think anyone's ever said it better than that."
Tom tried to regain his composure. They both turned their head towards the knock at the door. Tom felt his heart skip a beat. "It couldn't be. She's in North Carolina."
Rick peeked his head in quickly. "Hey, man. Just wanted to let you know you have a little over an hour until show time."
"Thanks, Rick." Tom said before Rick left the room.
"I think I'm going to get going and let you get dressed. I'll be around. Let me know if you need me," Bill said, making his way to the door.
Tom nodded. "Thanks, Bill. For everything."
Bill nodded. "You're welcome, brother. Knock 'em dead tonight, even if it's the last time. They still deserve your all," he said before exiting the room.
-----------------------------
Several people had knocked on Tom's door in the time between Bill leaving and Tom getting dressed. Each time he tried to hold onto some hope and each time he answered, it wasn't Ferryn. He'd been pleased to see his mother and step-dad as well as several friends from back home in Germany and people he'd worked with on his album. By the time his mom had hugged him goodbye and wished him luck before exiting his dressing room, he was wearing down. As pleased as he was to see them show up to support him, none of them was Ferryn. He couldn't put his finger on why it meant so much to him that she show up. Most normal people would have been pissed off by this point but Tom wasn't. Something didn't feel right without her there, almost like a missing piece to a puzzle. It just wasn't finished until all the pieces were together and aligned.
He took a look in the large mirror of the lit up vanity. He looked haggard and he began to wonder how his life had landed him in this present spot. Things definitely had a weird way of working out. He never thought he'd be a 24 year old man still riding that roller coaster of love. He had music, although it wasn't how it once had been and he was about to give up the opportunity to have the world eating out of the palm of his hand. It was just a gut instinct. He could still make it. He'd just be doing it on his own terms for once. He wouldn't be forced away from people who meant the most to him. He wouldn't be forced to have relationships over the phone. He wouldn't be forced to have to struggle so much. Maybe just once everything would eventually pan out. Tom told himself that he'd hold on to whatever thin glimmer of hope he could. He just hoped it'd be enough.
Tom left the dressing room and leaned back against the brick textured walls. He glanced around and saw posters of previous performers tacked up all around him. He leaned his head back, allowing himself to close his eyes for just a moment and breath everything in. The faint musky smell of cigarettes lingered in the air as he focused on inhaling and exhaling. He honestly had no idea how he was going to make it to the stage, sit down at the piano and sing the lyrics about the one person who meant the most to him when she wasn't even there. He'd give anything to see her green eyes looking back at him while he held his gaze to hers. Her smile was the one thing that would keep him going and make it all worth it. The wink she'd throw at him would tell him the one thing that he'd never tire of knowing: that he was loved by her.
"Thirty minutes, Tom." someone shouted down the hallway and quickly disappeared. He'd ask to be left alone before showtime to collect his thoughts and mentally prepare himself.
He'd been so lost in thought that he hardly felt the soft hum of his cell vibrate inside of his pocket. He slid it out and didn't even look at the screen before bringing it to his ear. "Hello?"
There was a brief moment of silence, followed by some static. "Tom?"
He thought his ears were deceiving him. It couldn't be. "Ferryn?"
"I'm sorry," he heard her say.
His heart pounded loudly against his chest. "What is she sorry for?" So many things ran through his mind but for some reason none of it mattered. All that mattered was this moment in time. There was a chance. "Me too. I was a jerk."
"Is there room to start over?" she questioned, her voice hesitant.
He'd give up the moon for Ferryn and he'd been through hell during the last week but at that moment, none of that seemed to matter. "I love you too much too just give up."
There was more silence and he could have sworn he heard the faint signs of a sniffle. "I love you too, Tom."
His breathing caught in his throat right for the first time in seven days. He felt that maybe there was some hope. Maybe this time they could get it right. "Where are you, Ferryn?" he asked, before someone down the hall shouted his name. He held up a finger irritated as he waited for her answer, knowing she was several states away.
The voice down the hallway repeated himself loudly. "Tom!"
He was about to blurt out obscenities to the voice when Ferryn's voice snapped his attention to the phone. "Turn around, handsome."
Tom swung around and looked down the dimly lit hallway. He was positive his eyes were deceiving him just as his ears had. There at the end of the hallway next to one of the crew members stood Ferryn. She cocked her head to the side shyly and her green in her eyes were fierce. He bit his lip, feeling the back of her throat sting. He tried his best to fight back tears of happiness as he took two steps to move forward before she began running towards him. He caught her in his arms, lifting her up and swinging her around as the sweet scent of her enveloped him. She wrapped her arms strongly around his neck, hanging on tightly as he continued to hold her for what seemed like hours.
He finally let her feet hit the ground and he pulled back long enough to get a better look at her. Her cheeks were wet with tears and he felt the tips of her fingers on his face, wiping his own tears away. Tom couldn't think of anything in his life he'd wanted more than now, this moment, Ferryn in his arms.
"You came," he blurted out, his voice shaky.
"Did you honestly think I wouldn't be here for this? I know how important this is for you."
His eyes went wide. His heart fluttered. She was there. Ferryn came. The one person he wanted to be there actually came. Deep down, he honestly didn't think she'd show. It took a miracle to keep him from falling apart. "I haven't talked to you in over a week. I've never been so worried-"
She interrupted him, bringing a finger to his lips softly. "Hush. We'll talk later. I'm fine."
He nodded, knowing now was not the time to hash out their differences. He tried to focus on the fact that she was there. Everything else didn't matter at the moment. "You'll never know how much this means to me, Ferryn. Never," he told her. His head came down to rest against hers. He closed his eyes as he held her against him, breathing her in, feeling her skin against his own.
Ferryn brought her hands up and ran them through his braids, like she'd done so many other times. For some reason, this moment was different from all the rest. "I do, Tom. It means just as much to me too."
When she kissed him, Ferryn could have sworn she felt his whole body tremble. The guilt of what she'd put him through began to come to fruition at that moment. The second he turned around earlier, she could tell she'd put him through hell and that he was barely hanging on. She felt his arms squeeze tightly around her and the thudding of his chest against her own and Ferryn felt something click. She knew right then that'd she'd have to throw in her running shoes. He didn't deserve this. She'd have to give up the fight and meet him in the middle.
Tom began to feel that everything was slowly falling into place. Things weren't perfect but he had so much hope that they'd get there. They'd come way too far not to. Taking a deep breath, he reached up and took one of her hands in his, lacing their fingers together. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to know, so many questions to ask but it just wasn't the time.
"Ten minutes, Tom." Rick yelled from down the hall breaking them from their moment.
"I know you'll know 'em dead, Tom." Ferryn said as she stepped back.
"I hope so," he said, looking to the ground. He was having trouble meeting her eyes. "Because this is my last show."
Ferryn couldn't believe what she'd just heard. "You're joking, right? I thought this was your first show?"
He shook his head. "I'm serious. This is my last. There are other things in life that mean more to me."
Finally she could hear what he'd been saying all along. It just wasn't the same anymore. He wasn't happy. Finally she really read between the lines. "Tom, you're so talented. Don't do this just because of me."
"I'm not," he said as they began moving down the hall towards the stage. "I'm doing this for us."
"I said no to Blake," she said causing his eyes to widen. "For us."
Tom's heart skipped a small beat at her declaration telling himself the one thing he needed to know. She wanted them to work. She was making time for them to start their life together.
He pulled her against him once again and was just content to listen to her heart beat against his. When it was finally time for him to go on stage, he hesitantly let go of Ferryn and was then reminded that fear didn't even measure into the equation anymore. She was there, it was his final show, he was going to do it right and give his fans something to see. They'd waited years for another album and he felt bad that only the ones tonight would get to see a show. Life had a funny way of panning out. Everyone would just have to understand.
With a final kiss for luck, Tom was introduced right as he walked on stage. The shrill of the audience was nearly deafening. He didn't even hesitate looking down into the audience and seeing Ferryn looking back at him smiling, her green eyes holding with his. He had no idea how in the world they could go from completely broken to mended back together in a matter of minutes but that's how things worked for them. Their relationship was a roller coaster. At times, up and down and completely wild and scary but somehow they always made it safely to the bottom.
He sang his heart out that night, giving his everything until the crowd was eating out his hands. His CD would do just fine if the audience reaction was any indication. When he finally walked off stage, exhausted and damp with sweat, he saw Ferryn waiting with his friends and family, arms open and waiting for him. The scent of her around him and the feel of her skin against his was like a grand homecoming. It was exactly what he had needed. It all confirmed what he already knew. Sure, people would call him crazy for giving up an opportunity like this but he'd already toured the world, sold out arenas and broke records with previous albums with Tokio Hotel. Giving up this didn't mean he couldn't still be in the music scene. He was still going to continue producing. With Ferryn around him, he knew music wouldn't be but a heartbeat away. He would be just fine.
-----------------------------
When they finally arrived back at Tom's hotel room late that night, Tom had so many questions to ask. There were so many explanations he needed but the words seemed to die at the tip of his tongue. Ferryn could feel the slight tension and see the wonder all over her face. She honestly didn't know where to begin.
She kicked off her shoes and watched as he did the same. She sat her suitcase by the bedroom door. When he turned around, she was right behind him. Their eyes locked and they tried to read each other, searching for the answers they both needed.
"I don't know where to begin, Tom."
He reached for her hand and guided her to the couch. "You've got to stop this, Ferryn." She hadn't expected that to be his response. He eyes widened and she looked at him in surprise. When she said nothing, he continued, "I'm serious. I can't keep doing this. Something goes wrong between us and you run. You go without calling me for a week, making me worry and feel like an idiot, going through hell. I can't always walk on eggshells just so I don't upset you. Distance in a relationship isn't fair to begin with but it's about fifty times worse when you do that."
"I know, Tom. I'm sorry. I got mad and I just wanted time to think things over. When you got mad about the job offer, my first instinct was to think you were selfish and that you expected me to be wherever you were, regardless of my career. I was going to take the job."
"Regardless of how I felt?"
"Yes," she looked at him seriously, then reached for his hand, lacing their fingers together. "But I tried to picture myself years down the road and I figured I'd be one of two things. I'd either be completely alone and one of those people who's married to their work and has no other kind of life, or I'd still be with you hanging on by a thread, hoping and praying we were going to make it another day together."
"So that's why you turned it down?" he asked, shifting on the couch but not letting go of her hand.
"No. I turned it down because besides not wanting to be neither of those things, I tried to think of it from your point of view. Your work schedule was about to get crazy, you already didn't like it because we had to be apart so much. I figured if I was going to truly commit to us and stop this roller coaster we're always on, then I'd have to do some giving too." She looked down at their joined hands and when he met her eyes again, they were glittering with tears. "I want us to work, Tom. I'm just sorry I had to hurt you so badly along the way."
He lifted one long finger up and brush her tears away. He tried to let her words soak in, to hear where she was coming from. He knew how she operated. She could sometimes be stubborn as hell but through the whole week they didn't speak to one another, he could still somehow feel that she hadn't let go completely. That she still loved him. He leaned over and hugged her tightly against him. "I know you are, babe. As long as you know that the running stops now, I told you you're it for me and I'm done with the chase. I just need to know you're on the same page, no turning back."
Pulling out of his grasp, her hands went to rest on the sides of his face. She softly kissed his temple, then both of his sculpted cheek bones. From there, she moved to his jaw, spreading kisses as she went down to his neck, eventually she began to speak softly against his ear. "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. I want to marry you,Tom."
Tom shivered with her lips move so close to his ear. He smiled, hearing her repeat one of her favorite quotes and was instantly taken back to the first time she'd told it to him. The more he heard it, the more it did fit Ferryn perfectly. She had selfish moments, sometimes she was unsure about things and because of that, she ran, unknowingly hurting him.
"I told you before, I can handle you just fine," he pulled back, just enough so his lips could meet hers in a soft reunion. "I love you and I want to marry you too, Ferryn. You've just got to stop running."
She looked into his familiar brown eyes and, at that moment, everything seemed clear to her. "I know. I said I was done and I meant it," she was sure of it. No more ifs, ands or buts. No more doubting or being unsure. Her heart belonged to him from now on. "I love you too, Tom."
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Later that night, they were in bed together with Ferryn's head resting against his chest. His hand moved slowly up and down her back, pushing all the tension from her body. It'd been almost a month since she'd last seen him, last held him and, just like every other time, the picked up right where they left off. The TV was on in the background, though the volume was low and they weren't really watching it, it only provided a soft light to fill the room.
Tom thought about all the things he wanted to say, to get out in the open but for the moment, he was content with just holding Ferryn. He was happy after all this time. She was finally with him. Finally when it all seemed too much, the questions nagged in the back of his mind so he spoke up.
"Ferryn?" he questioned softly.
"Hmm?" she asked, not looking up.
"You sure you're okay giving up the job with Blake?"
Looking up at him with a sure nod, she smiled. "Yeah, Tom. I'm cool with it."
"I just don't want you to ever look back and resent me for this. If you want to do it-"
"Hey," Ferryn sat up and crossed her legs in front of him, bringing her hand to cup Tom's jaw in her palm. "I'm sure. I'd rather focus on us so stop worrying."
Tom nodded and turned his face, moving his cheek against her palm. "Okay. I was just making sure." He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "We have no secrets, right?"
Ferryn looked at him confused. "No. There's nothing I wouldn't tell you, Tom. You know this."
He nodded and debated weather or not he should even bring it up. He felt like he'd been here before. "Bill said he found a pregnancy test in the trash when he was cleaning." Tom could feel his heart pound loudly in his chest as he spoke. He waited for her to say something.
"Yeah. That was Raluca's. She'd been feeling weird when she came to visit so I convinced her to take one. She's not though," she watched his reaction but couldn't really read it. He didn't look relieved but she thought she saw the faintness bit of disappointment on his face.
"So it wasn't yours?"
"Nope," she said, lacing her fingers through one of his hands.
"So you're not pregnant?" he asked, trying to understand everything.
Ferryn swallowed hard. She looked away for a second as she felt her palm begin to sweat in his hand. Taking a deep breath, she met him face to face. "I might be."
Tom's eyes widened with surprise and it took him a second or two to process her words. "Babe! Are you serious?"
She could only nod. They'd discussed this before and had both come to the agreement they wanted kids. It only seemed like now when it might be a reality. It was the scariest thing in the world. "I don't know if it's just the stress of everything going on or all the traveling but I'm late. I was going to wait a few more days to see if it showed up before I told you but I always said you'd be the first to know if the possibility ever came about."
"How long do you have to wait before you take a test?"
She shrugged. "I could take one now."
He almost looked hopeful. "Are you going to?"
"I don't have one with me. I just was going to-" She pulled away from him and got up from the bed abruptly. "I think I need some air, Tom."
"Ferryn, wait!" he called after her.
Tom walked out on to the balcony off the living room in their suite. He saw her overlooking New York at night, her arms around herself.
"Babe, it's freezing out here," he said walking up behind her, wrapping his arms around her sides. "Hey, what's this all about?" he asked, noticing her eyes were glittering with tears.
"I'm scared, Tom," she whispered.
"Ferryn, come here," he said, turning her to face him and taking her into his arms. "We'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what the outcome, I'll be here right by your side. I want to marry you, have babies with you. We'll make this all work. I know it."
She looked at him hesitantly "You're positive? I mean, you don't think it's too soon? I was kind of hoping we'd get to, you know, be married for awhile. Just be alone together."
"Yes, I'm positive. One hundred and fifty percent but we'll find that alone time too. I promise. Try not to look at it as the end of our freedom but as the beginning of our lives together."
"Sounds like you're really sure."
He tipped her chin up, leaning in to kiss her softly. "I am sure, babe. As long as we're together, that's all that matters. We'll get through anything. I mean, look how far we've come."
She pulled away just enough to run her hands through his braids as she looked into his eyes. "You're right." She smiled as his head came forward to lean against hers. She asked the one thing on her mind. "You really wanna know now, don't you, Tom?"
He placed a soft kiss on her lips, then pulled back. The look on his face calm and peaceful. "I do but either way, I'll be fine. As long as you're okay with it."
"I guess we could go out and get one," she suggested.
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Forty-five minutes later, they had returned back to Tom's hotel suite, pregnancy test in hand. He took it from the bag and handed it to a very quiet Ferryn. She hadn't said much on the trip to the store and Tom was beginning to think she didn't want this. "You okay, babe?"
She tried to give him a positive smile. "Fine. It's just weird, you know?"
He tried to understand her answer. Becoming a mother was a really big deal but then again, so was becoming a father. "Hey, we're in this together, right?"
"Yes."
"Then we're going to be fine, no matter what the test says. Go on. I'll be right here."
She went into the bathroom to do her business and reappeared two minutes later. "Well?"
She laughed as she walked up to him. "It takes a few minutes, Tom. Take a breath."
He did as she said and began to pace with her. Ferryn finally said, "We should be able to tell now." He nodded, reaching for her hand, easily pulling her in the direction of the bathroom door. "You go look, Tom. I'm way too nervous."
He looked back at her. He could tell she wasn't herself. A million thoughts were probably dancing around in her head. Deciding to do as she asked, he left her in the door way of the bathroom and walked towards the sink.
Ferryn wasn't prepared for the look on his face. He simply showed no expression. "Well?"
He stared at the stick in his hand, looking somewhat guilty. "No."
Her eyes widened in surprise. She hadn't expected his answer. She quickly turned away from him. She wrapped her arms around herself again. Her body shook as sobs overtook her. Tom instantly went to her, pulling her back against the softness of his sweatshirt. His hands slid around her waist. He rested his head in the crook of her neck. "Baby, it's okay. It's gonna be fine." He heard her sniffle and when he tightened his grasp on her waist, he felt her body tremble.
It took several minutes and Ferryn still said nothing. When she finally turned around, her tear stained face looked incredibly lost. "I didn't realize how much I wanted it to say yes. It really says no?"
He took her face in his hands, easily kissing the tip of her nose, then her lips. "No, it didn't," he whispered.
"What do you mean, 'No it didn't.'?"
Tom smiled slightly, holding both of her colds hands in his big warm ones. He brought them up to his lips and placed soft kisses on her knuckles. "I wanted you to realize that having a baby was what you really wanted. Now you know. We're going to have a baby, Ferryn."
Her eyes began to gloss over again with fresh tears. "I can't- I can't believe you did that. I should hit you."
Tears escaping the crinkled corners of his eyes as he smiled. "Now you know the truth."
"And you?"
He pulled her in for a hug, bringing her lips against his own softly. He took control of the kiss as his tongue danced with her own, letting her know exactly how much he loved her. "I'm thrilled. I couldn't think of anyone better to be the mother of my children. I love you, Ferryn."
She leaned into him, her head resting on his shoulder and for the first time since she'd landed in New York, she felt like everything was going to be okay. He wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in a hug no one else could even try to come close to. All her uncertainties seemed to fade away as she felt his heart beat against her own chest, telling her everything she needed to know.
"I love you too, Tom. More than you'll ever know."
"Your ready to start our life together, babe?"
Ferryn nodded, snuggling deeper into his embrace. "Everything's going to be fine," she told herself. "As long as you're right here beside me, Tom."
He smiled, leaning forward to kiss her slowly. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be, babe."
Song Credit: Ben Folds - The Luckiest