One Heartbeat - Chapter Four
Tom opened the door to his car and helped Ferryn slide in carefully. Once she was secure, he jogged around to the driver's side and climbed in. He looked over at her before starting his car. She was still slightly pale as she leaned back against the passenger's seat. Tom was fearful but thankful that they were pulling away from the hospital entrance.
The radio played softly, filling the silence in the car. Tom has so much to say but no idea where to begin. He only knew that today was not the right time. He was still saying his thankful prayers that Ferryn had made it out of surgery okay and was on the road to recovery. He smiled as he remembered how she had argued when he suggested she stay with him during her recovery. It was an easy argument. It was hard for her to be adamant while in a drug induced state. It also helped that the doctor had interjected and suggest it'd be good for Ferryn to stay with someone while she was on the mend. He couldn't just let her go stay at her hotel alone. Someone had to take care of her.
"You okay?" Tom asked softly as he glanced at her.
She kept her eyes closed and nodded. He reached over and easily grabbed her hand. He rubbed his fingers over her knuckles. Tom just wanted to touch her, feel her. He knew he'd have to wait until she started feeling better before he'd be granted the pleasure of holding her in his arms.
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Tom helped Ferryn up the steps and into his house. When the made it into the living room, Tom made her comfortable on the couch. He had wanted her to lay down in his bedroom but she refused. She gave him the excuse that the couch was much closer. He helped her get settled so she was laying down, then he covered her with a thin blanket. When he leaned down to place a kiss on her lips, she turned her head so that his lips met with her cheek. Tom's heart sunk a bit and he felt a small pain in the pit of his stomach. She was still trying to push him away.
"Need anything?"
She shook her head. "No. I'm okay. Thanks."
He nodded and squat down so he was at her level. "Just let me know if you do. The remote is right here. I'm gonna go jump in the shower, okay?"
"Okay. I'm just gonna sleep." She said weakly.
Tom smiled. "That's what you need, honey." And with that, he left the room
When he came back several minutes later, Ferry was asleep with the TV on. He readjusted her blanket, trying to make sure she was comfortable. He felt the need to be close to her so he sat down at the end of the couch, carefully placing her feet in his lap. That would have to do for the moment.
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Tom stirred as he came out from the haze of slumber. He sat up quickly. He hadn't realized he'd dozed off. He turned to see Ferryn sitting up sleepily. She looked confused and in pain. He ran his hand over his face quickly to become fully awake. "You okay?" He asked. His voice was thick with sleep.
She looked up through heavy eyes. "I have to use the bathroom."
Tom nodded. He stood and helped her ease off the couch. "Easy, honey. Small steps." Tom urged.
Ferryn groaned. She was doing her best to stand up straight. She didn't like needing help and feeling so weak. "This sucks."
Tom smiled warmly. He helped her into the bathroom down the hall from the living room. "I know it does. You just have to get better."
She nodded and turned to stare at him. She was waiting for him to leave. He looked perplexed. "I can take it from here."
"Are you sure? I can help-"
"Damn it, Tom! I can pee by myself."
Tom was taken aback and took a few steps backward. "Fine. I don't know what you're so worried about. I've seen it all before."
Ferryn rolled her eyes. "That's different." She grumbled.
"How?" Tom arched a brow.
"We were- Things were just different."
His heart ached. She was putting her wall back up and it stung like hell. Tom didn't know if she just wanted privacy or if she was saying they weren't a couple anymore. Fear shot through his veins and he wondered what was making her act like this, even though he had just proven himself to her within the last three days.
Apparently that wasn't enough.
He made sure Ferryn didn't miss the pained look on his face. She had to know she was ripping him to shreds. "I'll be outside if you need me." Ferryn nodded as she shut the door. Tom waited outside and wasn't surprised when he heard her yelp out in pain a minute later. "Ferryn?"
Instead of a reply, he only hear a gasp. He was familiar with that sound. It was one she used when she was covering up the pain she was really feeling. He knocked on the door twice before he tried the knob. He took two quick steps into the room. She stood at the sink hunched over her body with her shorts pooled around her ankles. "I can't fucking bend over." She cursed.
Tom bit his cheek to prevent from laughing. He knew his words could easily cause another outburst so he leaned down and pulled her shorts back up her slim legs and up to her waist. "It's not that big of a deal."
"I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, Tom. This sucks. I'm not used to just sitting still."
"You'll have to learn." Tom gave her a look of sympathy. "You just had surgery and you have stitches." He said as he helped to guide her out of the bathroom.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." She snapped.
He helped her get settled on the couch once again. "Would you like me to fix you something to eat?"
Ferryn held her chin up in defiance. "I'm not hungry."
Tom gave her a stern look. "Then you get no more pain killers. Your doctor said you have to have them with food."
She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Crackers."
Tom nodded before he disappeared into the kitchen. "Coming right up." He returned a few minutes later carrying a tray of warm buttered toast spread with her favorite kind of jam, some applesauce and a small cup of Jello. "Eat up."
"Thanks." She said as she reached for the toast.
Tom smiled as he excused himself to let her eat in peace.
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Tom's phone vibrated in his pocket. He dug into his pants and answered it quickly. "Hello?"
"Hey, Tom! It's Rick. They need you down here to sign some stuff."
Tom frowned. "I can't right now. I have to stay with Ferryn."
"She's there?" Rick asked with a hint of confusion.
"Yeah. She's been in the hospital. She had her appendix removed."
"But I thought-"
"Long story." Tom interjected quickly. "I'll explain later."
"Okay." Rick said slowly. "You really can't leave?"
Tom shook his head. "No. She needs me."
"You know this may put a damper on things, right?"
Tom ran a hand over his face in frustration. Signing with a record label was the least of his worries right now. "I'm sorry, Rick. I won't leave her alone."
Rick signed on the other end. "Okay. I'll be in touch."
"I'm sorry, Rick." Tom said quickly. "I have to do this."
"I know, Tom. See ya."
The line went dead and Tom stared at the phone for a moment before he dropped it back into the pocket of his pants. It almost made him laugh to think that he was passing up an important meeting to sign the papers that could make or break his musical career. Five years ago, Tom would have dropped everything, women included, just to be where he needed to be in his musical career. His life revolved around music. Ferryn had suddenly become a bigger part of his life. He didn't know what made her so different. It was like she was filling the void he never knew existed. Now, he just needed to convince her of that.
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Tom looked around and realized it had grown dark and the day was already gone. He walked back into the living room and was pleased to see that Ferryn had nibbled away all of her toast, minus the crust. "How's the toast?" He asked as he took a seat beside her.
She looked over at him and nodded. "It's good. Thanks again."
He winked at her as he tried to keep the mood light. "You're welcome, baby. Need anything else?"
"Maybe some more pain meds in a little bit."
"I can do that. You gonna try to sleep some more?"
"No. I've slept enough. I'm sick of this already." She rolled her eyes again. "Who was on the phone?"
He pat her blanket covered foot. "You have to rest to get better, honey. How did you know I was on the phone?"
"I heard you talking."
"It was nothing. Just Rick."
"Oh, you need to work on something with him?"
"No. It's fine. I want to be here with you."
She eyed him suspiciously. "I'm a big girl, Tom."
"I know you are, Ferryn. Stop worrying and get better."
She shifted slightly. "Why don't you let me go finish Blake's stuff for Sam?"
"It's been done." Tom said as he looked away. He could tell Ferryn was itching for a fight.
"What?!" She yelled. "By whom?"
"Calm down, Ferryn. I called Sam while you were in surgery. He had someone else finish it up. It was already pretty damn close to being done before we left for the emergency department." Tom smiled at her. "Stop stressing. It's not good for you."
"There goes my career."
He looked at her, shocked. "You're welcome."
"And what does that mean?"
Tom threw his hands in the air in frustration. He wasn't used to seeing this much attitude from her. "Oh, I don't know, how about a thank you for busting my balls to come help you finish someone else's errors so you weren't stuck in the studio for days? Or how about a thank you for being there for you when you were sick even though you hadn't called me in weeks, making me worry about where the hell our relationship was going or what I did wrong.? Or how about a thank you for me calling Sam and covering for you so your job is in tact? Or perhaps a thank you for loving you even though you've been nothing but rude and short tempered and snappy to me and that I love you regardless?"
Ferryn sat there with her eyes wide with surprise and anger. She had never seen him get upset like that and it took all her willpower to keep her jaw from hitting the floor. She couldn't speak, couldn't move. She could only sit there silently while she tried desperately to form the right words. Even she was taken aback when he eyes began to well up with tears. "I'm sorry." She whispered.
Tom shook his head. He chose not to accept her apology. Not in the heat of the moment. It didn't mean anything to him right then. He walked away to give Ferryn time to let his words sink deeply into her core. "I'm going to bed." He said as he left the room, giving her no chance to reply.
Ferryn could only stare at the vacant space beside her.
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Tom awoke less than an hour later and stared at the ceiling. He'd never be able to sleep, knowing Ferryn was in the living room and may need help. He felt like a jerk for his outburst but also felt a sense of relief that he got it all out. He needed a release and she needed to hear how he was really feeling. He tossed the covers off and headed toward the living room. The house was completely dark, except for a thin light coming from a lamp he'd left on. He wanted to check on her without her knowing he was actually checking on her. To his surprise, he heard her call out to him.
"Tom?" Ferryn whispered. Her voice sounded strained.
"Yeah. It's me." He heard her sigh and figured she was in pain. He felt like even more of a jerk.
"Can you get me a pain pill, please?"
"Yeah." He said as he moved around the kitchen grabbing her pills and a glass of water. Seconds later, he was by her side as he tapped one of the pills into the palm of her hand.
"Thanks." She said and quickly swallowed the pill with a gulp of water.
"Is it bad?"
She shifted and tried not to show her pain. "It's fine."
He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms but that wasn't even possible at the moment. He did notice a considerable chance in her mood and attitude. "Need anything else?"
"A hug?" Ferryn asked softly.
He studied her face for a moment, wondering if he'd heard her correctly. "Really?" He asked to make sure.
"Yes."
He dropped to his knees and took her small frame into his arms. He was cautious not to hurt her. It wasn't as close as he wanted to be but it felt good. It had been too long since he'd held her. He took his time, absorbing all of her that he could. She lay her head on his shoulder and he slowly ran his hand up her back. He smiled as she hummed softly, completely contented.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, pulling back slightly. "I'm sorry I'm such a bitch to you."
"I never said that."
She shrugged as tears stained her face. "But I was."
Tom let out a deep breath and the room seemed lighter suddenly. "Do you want to come to bed with me?" He wanted to hold her for real. Not just hunched over the couch.
"Okay."
Tom didn't waste any time. He stood and pulled the covers off her and watched her cringe as she tried to swing her legs off the couch. He decided he'd make this process easier. He leaned down and instructed her to put her arms around his neck. She did as she was told and he slid his arm under her legs. He lifted her off the couch and against his chest. He walked her through the house and into the bedroom before laying her carefully on the bed, then joined her on the opposite side. "You okay?"
She smiled softly at him. "Yeah. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
She looked down and noticed the space between them. She suddenly felt a loss. The times she usually spent in bed with Tom, she was curled tightly against him, spooning together like lovers often lay. "You can come closer if you want."
He didn't think twice before he moved over and enveloped her in his arms. It felt like heaven. Tom let out a sign and smiled. "I've missed this."
Ferryn cuddled up to him. "Me too. I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't mean to be like this."
He nodded. "Apology accepted. I know I started all of this by going to London. I shouldn't have stepped on your toes even though Sam asked me to. Blake's album was your thing."
She looked at him seriously. "You're right. You shouldn't have but I can see from the music stand point why you did. I just feel like you came because of what I told you about what happened with Blake."
"Baby, Blake had nothing to do with this. I was asked way before you even told me what happened I will admit that it made me feel better to be close to you after I did, I can't help but to want to make sure you're alright."
"Tom, you have to understand I'm a big girl. You were hovering over me and I just can't stand that. I'm too independent and I don't need a babysitter watching my every step with Blake. Trust is really important to me and it needs to be with you as well."
He laced his fingers with hers. "I do trust you, Ferryn. It's Blake I don't trust."
She laughed. "Same thing."
Tom groaned. "I promise I'll work on it. You have to understand that my ex did some major damage to me. I don't want to be that jealous guy that constantly stands over you. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to be in a relationship again. I'd been dragged through the ringer but when I met you, all of that changed for me. I fell in love with you but those male instincts still wanted to shine through."
Ferryn traced his T-shirt covered chest, his arms and his shoulders before her fingers ended at the base of his hairline. "I know you have built in male instincts but you have to learn that I'm not your ex. I felt smothered. I was burnt out from flying here to there, trying to be the best producer I could be. All the while, I was trying to be the best girlfriend. In the end, it was me you didn't trust. I could say the same for you. You go to a lot more parties and functions than I do."
"I've never once touched another woman since I've met you." He said adamantly.
"And I've never once touched or looked at another man they way I do with you."
"So I'm a jealous, arrogant, asshole boyfriend. I get it."
He hadn't expected her to laugh but she did. It was like a breath of fresh air. "You're not an asshole, Tom. You just have to work on things."
"I can do that. That doesn't explain why you didn't call. I had no idea what was going on or where you were. It seriously scared me, Ferryn. I don't think you realize how much I love you."
She looked a little guilty. "I needed time to think. I told you I was burnt out. I wanted to go home, re-evaluate life and not be pulled into different directions by so many different people."
Tom nodded in understanding. "But you could have told me that. Leaving London and then not taking my calls to at least let me know-"
"I let you know I was fine."
"It's not the same." He whispered softly.
"I can't go back and change it. I can only move forward and remember it for next time."
Tom looked at her sternly. "There won't be a next time. I hate fighting with you."
"Baby, we're going to fight. We're going to have dumb arguments. It's inevitable."
Feeling slightly defeated, he dropped his head to her shoulder. "You're right. I'm sorry for being an ass and going to London. I should have stayed out of it."
"You said that already." She said as she shivered lightly.
"You haven't said if I'm forgiven."
She laughed. "I'm still deciding."
"Oh?" His nose grazed the dip in her neck, eliciting another shiver from her.
"Yes." She didn't move.
"While you're deciding, can I do something please?" He asked as his eyes met hers.
"What's that?"
His face was just far enough away to make out her features. His nose bumped hers slightly and he pulled back. "Can I?"
She arched up against him, as much as her body would allow. Her hands went to rest on his biceps and he curved against her. One of his legs came to rest between hers. "Can you what?"
"Kiss you?" He said softly as his breath fanned against her face. "It's been too damn long."
She pretended to think a second. "Yes, please. It's killing me too."
His lips came down on hers, soft and warm. He tasted her lips until it wasn't enough. His tongue darted out and licked the seam of her lips. She allowed him entrance but he kept it slow and sweet, tasting and nibbling, uniting their breaths as one. He pulled away and his thumbs traced her bottom lips as he held her face. "I love you, Ferryn. So much." He whispered.
"I love you too, Tom."
They lay side by side, holding one another gently. He pulled the covers up and noticed she was fighting sleep. Several minutes passed with no sound except the rising and falling of their breathing. Tom assumed she was asleep until her voice pierced the silence. "Tom?"
"Hmm?" He hummed against her shoulder.
"Thank you for taking care of me and putting up with me. You're a good guy."
He tried not to chuckle. "You're welcome, baby."
Tom decided that the pain killers were probably doing their job at making her sleepy and vulnerable. He wondered if it was also their fault she had changed suddenly or if that was real. She was the old Ferryn again; loving, kind and passionate. He prayed she wouldn't avert back to her old ways in the morning as he kissed the side of her head, then lay his head on his pillow in the hopes of finding slumber. Not everything was fixed but it would likely be a while before it actually was. He felt like the first hurdle had been jumped. She still loved him and that's all he cared about right then.
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Tom blinked as the sunlight seeped through his curtains, blinding him slightly. He burrowed further into the blankets and snuggled closer to Ferryn. He suddenly felt himself smiling. It felt good to have her next to him. Ferryn fit perfectly in his life and made him believe in permanence. He took a moment to wonder what it'd be like to wake up beside her every morning and quickly decided that would require her moving to LA.
They'd had that conversation before. He knew she was comfortable in her loft in Greenville but if they were going to be together, wasn't moving in the next step? He pondered it for a second; wondering, contemplating the question: Would he ever move to North Carolina? He wanted to be with Ferryn but he wasn't ready to dissect every aspect right then.
He leaned over and softly kissed the exposed skin of her shoulder. He was happy to just feel her. He knew that it was poor timing to try to discuss long-term details with her. The thought scared him. "Will she ever be ready? Is it worth it to fight so far for 'us'?" He shook his head. "New subject." He told himself sternly. His mind was working overtime, especially after the conversation they'd had the night before. He was happy to have made progress but he still had his mind on other things. He suddenly felt guilty that he'd passed up important details with his album.
The feeling haunted him. The business side of him would never compromise his career. Somewhere down the road, Ferryn had stepped up and taken first place in his list of priorities.
He wondered if he'd made a huge mistake. He wanted to try the music thing once again. He remembered what it was like to share his music with the world, to be able to perform night after night and just get lost in the music. It was a good life but he questioned whether or not he had it in him anymore. He quietly slipped out of be and padded across the room with his cell phone in hand. He quickly dialed Rick's number and waited for him to answer.
"Rick speaking."
"Hi, Rick. It's Tom." He said as he tried to keep his voice down.
"Hey, Tom. How's Ferryn?"
He looked over at her sleeping form. "She's good. Look, I want to apologize for yesterday. I just couldn't leave her."
Rick nodded, though Tom couldn't see him. "I understand." He said quietly.
"Did I fuck things up?" Tom asked and held his breath as he awaited an answer.
"Well, it wasn't good. The people backing me were not impressed."
Tom hung his head. He wanted to kick himself. "Is it fixable?"
"I think so. They want you to start recording tracks soon."
Tom's head snapped up. "Recording? Already?"
"Yeah, by next week at the least."
"Shit." Tom gasped. This was happening more quickly than he had anticipated.
"Yeah." Rick sighed. "I need you to be sure this is what you really want."
Tom bit his lip and looked back at Ferryn as she stirred slightly. "I think so. I just don't know if I have what it takes to do this alone."
"Tom, you're crazy. I know you're used to working on music with Bill but he's concentrating on his modeling and acting right now. I've listened to every track you've come up with on your computer.
I'm more than 150% sure that your fans will go nuts."
"It may not be like before."
"You're right. It could turn out better." Rick reminded him.
"Yeah, you're right. I just don't know where my life is headed right now."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Tom sighed as he gazed out at the view from his bedroom window. "I don't know if this is what I want. I mean, I'm getting older. A part of me wants to settle down, while the other part of me keeps saying I'd be stupid to not try this."
Rick was quiet for a moment. "I think you should try it. There's always time to settle down. You have the talent and I think you'll always ask 'what if' if you don't give it a shot."
"You're not understanding what I'm saying, Rick."
Rick let out a deep breath and chose his words carefully. "No, I understand what you're saying, Tom. I think you need a day or two to lay everything out and decide if this is what you want because I'd hate to go through hell for you and have you back out. I mean, a part of me would understand but my ass is on the line for this record deal."
"I know." Tom rubbed the back of his neck. "You're right. I'm really sorry about this. This is the first time I've ever second guessed anything that had to do with music."
Rick laughed. "Damn, old man. You really are growing up."
"Thanks, ass. Last time I checked, you were still a year older than me."
"Yeah, whatever. Are you sure a certain person didn't influence these thoughts?"
Tom rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Right. I think someone is head over heels in love."
Tom groaned but a small smile fell across his lips. "Must you rub it in my face?"
"I'm happy for you, Tom. Ferryn's good for you."
He let out a gust of air. "We've had our ups and downs but she really has been good for me. I love her and I've never felt like this before."
"I can tell." Rick laughed. "Take some time. Think it over. Call me when you make up your mind."
"I will, Rick. Thanks for understanding."
"Yeah, yeah. See ya."
"Bye." Tom said as he ended the call.
He glanced over to see Ferryn still sleeping peacefully. He was pleased that she'd been able to sleep soundly that night. The late night pain pill she'd taken had done its job and she had rested peacefully against him. He knew she needed her rest so he decided not to wake her. He padded over to his bed and took a seat beside her. He was content just to watch her sleep. Her eyelashes rested against her pale cheek. Her eyelids fluttered, dancing with the dreams she was having. His fingers itched to trace the outline of her smooth lips and smiled at the thought of the feeling of them against his skin. He took a second to really focus on her features, refreshing himself with how naturally beautiful she really was. He knew he couldn't live without her. As he sat there, he saw her eyes flutter more than usual. It wasn't under the smile crept across her lips that he realized she had been awake the entire time. "Good morning, baby."
Her eyes slowly blinked open. "Morning, Tom."
He dipped his head down and their lips met. It was a good morning. "How long have you been awake?"
Ferryn moved cautiously and she tried not to groan as her body moved against the pain. "A while."
"And you knew I was staring at you?"
She nodded and her green eyes sparkled. "Why were you?"
Tom shrugged. "I like looking at you. You're beautiful."
Ferryn rolled her eyes but couldn't hide the blush that pinked her cheeks. "What do you want?"
Tom chuckled. "I'm serious, Ferryn. You're beautiful. You just don't realize it."
She smiled up at him shyly. She'd never thought of herself as anything other than average but Tom had always made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. "I think you are too."
Tom made a face that made her giggle. "You think I'm beautiful? I'm a guy."
Her brow raised in question. "So?"
"Can guys be beautiful?"
She reached her hand up and caressed his cheek. "Well, you see-" She said as she traced his features softly. "You are an exception. I can use several words. Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy."
He looked down at her through his heavy lashes. "Sexy?"
"Mmmhmm." She hummed as she moved her hand down and traced his chin. "But if you're looking for masculine words, I could go with handsome, studly-"
Tom laughed and took her hand in his. He placed a kiss in her palm. "Handsome, huh?"
"Yes." Ferryn said as she watched him lace their fingers. "But I think beautiful describes you best."
He shook his head. "How did this turn into an ego boost for me? I thought I was reminding you how beautiful you are."
Ferryn bat her eyelashes doing her best innocent expression. "I can't help it. Your gorgeous features just distract me, Tom Kaulitz."
He laughed. "You're too much, baby."
She winked at him and squeezed his hand tightly. "I try."
"How are you feeling?"
She let go of his hand and tried to sit up. She groaned and he jumped into action to help her into a sitting position. "Surprisingly, not too bad." She said as he rearranged her pillows for support.
"Good. Are you hungry?" He asked as he stood beside the bed. When she nodded, he quickly kissed the tip of her nose before he headed to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he returned with a tray of toast and orange juice.
Ferryn smiled brightly at him. "Thank you."
Tom was glad to see that her good mood was sticking around. He just hoped it lasted. "You're welcome. Did you sleep well?"
"Yes." She nodded as she took a bite of her toast. "I always do when I sleep with you."
He beamed at the fact that she admitted it so freely. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too. Thank goodness for appendicitis."
Tom scoffed. "Are you telling me that you wouldn't be here if you hadn't gotten sick?"
Ferryn shook her head teasingly. "I never said that."
Tom suddenly looked sad and defeated. He grabbed her free hand and ran his fingers over her knuckles. "Seriously, Ferryn. Were you gonna come to LA and not call me at all?"
Ferryn took her time to swallow. She tasted guilt rather than toast. "I thought I'd be strong enough to come here and just work like I was supposed to but deep down, I knew I'd eventually end up calling you before I left."
Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better. "Is she saying she wished she was strong enough to not want to see me but her emotions and feelings got the best of her?" Tom cleared his throat.
"Why didn't you want to see me?"
She sighed deeply and put her food tray aside. "I was still angry. I needed time to think, to re-evaluate things."
He nodded as he realized that he had been the one to initiate the problems by going to London but he felt there was something she wasn't telling him. "Is that all?"
Ferryn closed her eyes as she tried to calm her sudden anger. "Yes. That's all."
"You would tell me if there was something bothering you, right?"
She nodded but looked away. "Yeah. I don't know what you're getting at though."
"I was just- You know what? Never mind. I don't want to argue."
She reached for her toast again. "So are you working on something with Rick?"
Tom looked confused. "No, why?"
"I heard you talking earlier."
He figured she must have been awake while he was on the phone. "No. That was just- It was nothing." He decided to not to say anything, especially seeing as how he was taking time to decide if he really wanted to put himself out there and make a solo album.
Ferryn raised her brow at him. She knew he wasn't telling the truth. "Nothing? Because he called last night too."
Tom noticed she was finished eating and took the tray to set it by the door. "Are you keeping track now?"
"I was just wondering." She sighed. "I had heard something-"
He turned to look at her and scratched his stomach. "Heard what, Ferryn?"
"That you may be making an album."
He suddenly felt tired. "Yeah." He said, almost sarcastically.
"You are?" Her eyes widened but he couldn't tell if she was surprised or angry or a mixture of the two.
"I don't know." His voice was low.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I mean that I don't know if it's what I want to do right now. I was supposed to finalize things-"
"When?" She challenged him, knowing what he was going to say.
"Yesterday."
He wasn't prepared for her outburst. "Why the hell didn't you?"
Tom threw his hands in the air. He felt like he'd just wasted his breath. "I'm pretty sure it was because I was taking care of my girlfriend who'd just had surgery."
The look on her face spoke measures. She was angry. "You used me as an excuse?"
"Did I say that?" He put his hands on his hips and stared her down. "No. Was I about to leave you here by yourself? No. Did I say I wa sure I wanted to make an album yet? No. Don't push this, Ferryn."
"I could have taken care of myself while you went to sign stuff. I was perfectly capable, Tom."
Her guarded wall built its way back around her. She didn't want to let someone else care for her completely. She just didn't know how to handle it. "Damn it, Ferryn. This has nothing to do with you. If I wanted to sign that damn record deal, I would have."
"I think you should do it."
He collapsed on the end of the bed and rubbed his hands over his tired face. This was not how he had predicted the morning to go. "I know that, Ferryn."
"What's holding you back?" She asked with bitterness dripping from her lips.
He rolled his eyes. "Just stuff, okay? I'm getting older. I'm seeing things differently, wanting different things-"
"Oh."
Her answer was simple and Tom said a silent thank you for that. He had figured they'd be there all day listening as Ferryn dug up a million reasons why he should do it.
"Can we drop this for now? I'm not in the mood to discuss it."
"Fine." She said as she pulled the blankets off her slowly.
Tom knew she was mad with him but he didn't care. This was his issue to work out, not hers. He watched her face contort in pain as she moved wrong. "Where are you going?"
She looked at him smartly. "I'm gonna take a shower. I feel gross."
He watched her attempt to move on her own. "You think you can just prance in there on your own?"
She shot him an angry look. "I can do it. I'm not an invalid."
Tom shook his head and moved toward her. "No but you did just have surgery."
"I haven't forgotten." Ferryn replied sarcastically as she moved to the edge of the bed to stand. She tried not to cry out as pain shot through her body.
"Would you just stop being a brat and let me help you?"
She stood slowly, Tom's arms were there holding her so she didn't fall. His voice had been hard but his touch was soft. "I hate relying on people, Tom."
"Just for once, Ferryn. I'm not gonna hurt you."
"I don't know how to try." She protested as she leaned heavily against him for support.
They took small steps around the bed and across Tom's bedroom. Tom helped to lead her into his connected bathroom. Once there, Tom got Ferryn's makeup bag out and brought it in for her to do what she needed. "I'll be right back. I'm gonna take your tray to the kitchen."
She nodded as she carefully reached for her toothbrush. He was gone less than four minutes. When he returned, her found her hovering over the toilet. She was breathing deeply and the blood had drained from her face.
"Ferryn, what's wrong?"
She continued to pant as he came up behind her. "I feel sick."
He began to rub soothing patterns on her back, trying to calm her down. "Just relax and keep breathing slowly."
She nodded and closed her eyes. She prayed that she wouldn't vomit, knowing it would hurt like hell. Tom continued to sooth her. He moved her hair from her neck and caressed her skin. It seemed to be working.
At that moment, a nagging thought crept back into his mind that he had tried to ignore. He was suddenly flashed back to the moment in the hospital when he'd walked in just as Ferryn's doctor has asked if she was pregnant. "She would have told him, wouldn't she? She's been taking some pretty strong narcotics. They don't give those to pregnant women, right?" Something just didn't sit well with him. He knew that asking the questions aloud at this moment would be a death sentence.
When she had calmed down, she turned to him. "Arms up." He said.
She raised her eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"
"You wanted to take a shower, didn't you?"
She crossed her arms. "I can do it, Tom."
He shook his head. "I'm not letting you take a shower by yourself. You could fall and rip your stitches out."
"They're internal, Tom."
"That doesn't mean you can't rip them. Come on, Ferryn. Stop arguing and just allow me to help you."
Ferryn realized he was right. She slowly lifted her arms above her head. His hands were immediately at the hem of her gray tank top. He moved it up her body and over her head. His eyes tried not to focus on her uncovered breasts. Instead, he scanned his eyes to the heavily gauzed incision not far from the right side of her belly button. He traced the skin around it softly, making sure everything was still in good shape. He jerked back when Ferryn had a sharp intake of breath.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No. Your hands- They're cold."
He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Shorts."
Tom watched as Ferryn did her best to cover the top half of her body as his fingers hooked in the sides of her shorts. He pulled them down along with her panties. Once they pooled at her feet, his hands moved to her sides. She stepped out of her bottoms carefully. "This sucks."
He gazed at her questioningly. "You don't like being undressed?"
"It's like I'm a child."
He shook his head and kissed her forehead. "Shut up and enjoy it."
Ferryn scoffed, obviously annoyed. "I'm not allowed to enjoy it. No sex for two to six weeks."
Tom laughed. He was happy to know that she was thinking about that regardless of her moods. He had missed her but he could control his urges. He stepped away to quickly turn the tap to start the water. Seconds later, he stripped off his own shorts. Ferryn looked at him with wide eyes. He gaze cast up and down his body. "Relax. We're just showering."
She swallowed thickly as she nodded. He led her over to the shower and held the door open while keeping a strong hold on her so she didn't fall. He stepped in after her and led them both under the hot spray of water.
Ferryn let out a deep, breathy moan as the warm water hit her. It immediately woke her and relaxed her body. She leaned against Tom and closed her eyes, succumbing to his strong, sturdy body. His hands rested on her hips as he did his best to keep her upright. He didn't want to disturb her so he simply let her relax as the water cascaded over them. Her moans were almost too much for his body to stand. He was touching her but it just wasn't enough for him. Her body lay against him warm, wet, inviting and beautiful. His lips grazed across her shoulder as he drank in the small droplets of water that lay there. He trailed up her neck and behind her ear before he whispered, "So beautiful, baby."
Her breath caught, causing her to pant ever so lightly. Her neck arched and she rested her head against his shoulder. His hands lifted from her hips and inched higher, dying to touch the sweet swell of her breasts. There was no turning back as he cupped each one in the palms of his hands. Ferryn shivered and moaned a little more loudly.
"Tom-" She moaned against his neck.
He smiled and was pleased that she hadn't pushed him away and slapped him.
"This isn't fair."
His lips attacked her neck again as he peppered kisses to her cheek. "I'm sorry, baby. I just had to touch you."
"This isn't fair to you either."
He continued his torment. "Don't worry about me. I just want you to relax."
She nodded against him and a small hum escaped her lips.
He reached forward and grabbed the shampoo. He poured a small amount in his hand. He lathered her hair, taking time to massage her scalp.
"I missed this."
Tom smiled at her statement. He had missed it too. More than she could ever know.
He helped her rinse her hair before he grabbed the loofah and soaped it up. He slid the sponge over her body. He took his time and started at her back. He moved on to her stomach, being careful of her wound. From there, he traced her bottom and moved down her legs. He moved to her inner thighs and tried to think of anything to keep his mind off what he was doing and what he was touching. Ferryn wasn't helping matters. She has grabbed his head and moaning softly. He looked up at her, his eyes clouded with desire. Once he was satisfied that he had washed every possible inch of her, he carefully guided her back under the warm spray to rinse. He then guided her back into his arms. It was comfortable to just stand under the water with her humming against his neck.
Time ticked away without any dialogue exchanged between them. Ferryn turned against Tom and kissed him softly. "You're too good for me."
Tom tried not to laugh. "What? Baby, don't say that."
She meet his eyes. "I mean it, Tom. I'm not always the easiest person to deal with but you're still always here. Always here, spoiling me."
He closed his eyes and let her words soak in. Her wall was once again crumbling down. His arms enveloped her naked for, holding her against him as strongly as he could without hurting her. "It's because I love you, Ferryn. With every fiber of my being, I love you."
She was silent for just a moment and Tom thought that maybe he'd said too much too soon. He was relieved to hear her say, "I love you too."
"I wish you'd stop fighting me. I want us to be together, to be a real couple. We need to get over this drama and not have any secrets."
"I know, Tom. I'm trying."
His lips were quickly against her ear. He breathed against it for a second before he finally spoke. "Try a little harder."
It was then that Ferryn finally saw the pain she had caused him because of their recent drama. Of course, there were always two sides to a story. She nodded. "Okay."
Tom smiled against her ear and kissed it once. He wasn't trying to ignite new feelings but merely to say thanks in a simple, intimate way. That nagging question still repeated itself in his head. He had to know. "Baby, can I asked you something without you freaking out?"
"I suppose that depends on what it is."
He took a deep breath and chose his words carefully. He knew that treading on sensitive subject could send her back into her difficult, wall blocking self but if they were a couple, he had a right to know. "Promise you won't get mad."
He felt her still for a second. "Okay."
Tom closed his eyes an took in a breath of confidence. "When I was coming into your room when you were in the hospital, I heard them ask if you could be pregnant-" He stopped as he felt her tense in his arms.
"Yeah. So? They're standard questions."
Tom took it as a good sign that she hadn't hit him or yelled at him. "So, uh- You're not?"
Ferryn used that moment to move away from him. "No, Tom. I'm not pregnant." Tom noticed she hung her head.
Tom tried to pull her back into his arms but she resisted. "Did you think you were, Ferryn?"
She turned carefully. Her eyes were red and watched as her tears mixed with the flow of water that sprayed over her. He took a step closer and placed his arms around her shoulders. He gave her an encouraging squeeze before he used his hand to urge her to look at him. He could feel her shaking. "Baby?"
"Don't worry about it. I'm not."
Tom sensed the coldness in her voice. I didn't want to press the issue but we had never had to deal with this part of a relationship before. Ferryn instantly fell silent. "Don't shut me out. I thought we were in this relationship together."
Ferryn looked up at him as the tears flowed in steady streams down her face. "I didn't even think anything of it before they asked me when my last period was and I couldn't remember. I've been traveling so much and really stressed so I figured that's why I hadn't had it in a while. Then the possibility hit me."
He let out a shaky breath. "So you thought you could have been?"
She shrugged as she slowly fell apart before his eyes. "The possibility was there."
He didn't know what to say. Of course the possibility was there. "Oh."
"Yeah. Let's just drop it."
Tom looked into her eyes. Pain was evident on his face. One part of him felt like it was hard to breathe at the mere thought of having a baby with Ferryn. He loved her and he was sure of that but he wasn't sure they were ready for something like that. He wasn't really sure he saw kids with her right then. He thought about whether she'd give up her career to be a mother. Hell, they didn't even live in the same state so there were many gaps to fill. He still couldn't ignore the bitterness laced in her words. He was torn. He wanted to discuss it with her but didn't want to fight. It was time to clear the tension between then. He just wanted to love her.
The one question that kept nagging him was one he knew he couldn't ask. Did Ferryn even want to have a baby? Was that the reasoning behind her cold tone and distance she had put between them? Tom decided to let it go. He shut off the tap of the shower and helped Ferryn out of the shower. "C'mon, baby. Let's get dried off."
-----------------------------
It seemed that having her appendix removed had changed Ferryn for the better. Tom wanted to question the sudden change but he didn't. He just made sure to roll with things day by day. She let her guard down more often which allowed Tom the time to show her all the advantages that come with living with a lover. He was hoping that maybe one day she'd finally consider moving to LA. Just maybe.
He loved her and he had no doubt in his mind about that but there were still things they had to work out. Once Ferryn was cleared from her doctor, she insisted on jumping right back into work and she stayed busy. Tom had lost the battle of suggesting that she "take it easy" but he was okay with that. She seemed happy and healthy and she was doing what she did best. It helped that her job kept her close to him so he was easily supportive of it. He had even willingly insisted that he take one of his cars so she wouldn't have to rely on getting a ride to and from work. It was the simple things like that that made him feel more comfortable and brought to mind words like permanence.
One thing he still missed and hoped would soon return was their romance. They still shared a bed but that was all. They slept. They'd kiss and touch but that was as far as it would go. It had been quite a while but Tom didn't want to bring it up especially since things were going so well. Despite that, Tom fell in love with her more each day he woke up next to her. She just seemed to fit in easily into that empty space of the puzzle he called life. He knew he was in love with her and they were slowly walking down the path toward taking the step to make that leap of commitment. He had even entertained the thought of marriage but his mouth went dry when he'd consider bringing it up to Ferryn. Tom had decided that it had been too long and even if they didn't get down to the physical aspect of their relationship, it was important for the both of them as a couple to spend some time alone; no interruptions, no work, just them. Tom and Ferryn: lovers.
He checked his watch for the tenth time in fifteen minutes. He couldn't have prevented the smile that formed on his lips if he tried. He had it bad and he knew it. He decided to start to shut things down at his in-home studio. Not long after, he heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway. He felt slender arms wrap around his neck from behind. He turned his head slightly and smiled up at Ferryn. "Hey, babe. How was work?" He asked as he did some last minute things on his computer.
Ferryn lay her chin on the top of his head and breathed deeply to inhale his scent. "Good. We're almost done."
He lifted her hands and swiveled his chair around to pull her down onto his lap. "Good. So can I steal you for tonight?"
"Steal me? What does that entail?" She asked as she giggled.
Tom raised his eyebrows as he wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her closer. "Hmm. Let me think about that."
She slapped his shoulder teasingly. "Seriously."
He chuckled and shook his head. "I just want a night of 'us'. Alone with no interruptions. No work at all."
She smiled softly down at him but could tell he was up to no good. "'Us', huh? But what should I tell my boyfriend?"
Tom smacked her ass playfully. "Boyfriend? You better tell him you're taken or I may have to do some damage."
She brought her face inches from his and their noses brushed gently before their lips met. "I'm taken and I like it."
Tom allowed her lips to take charge as he enjoyed the moment. "Mmm. Good answer."
"So just us tonight?"
He grinned. "Yes. Go change and chill out for a while because I'm gonna cook dinner."
Ferryn nodded. "I can do that."
"Good." Tom tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too."
He took a moment to memorize her features, from her long brown hair to her beautiful green eyes and soft lips. There was no doubt that what he was feeling was love. "I love you, Ferryn."
"I love you too, Tom." She looked surprised but her eyes were full of appreciation. "Where'd that come from?" He looked hurt for a second and she quickly interjected. "I mean, you say it a lot but this time was different."
"I just felt the need to tell you." Tom shrugged as he hugged her close. "I know you're here all the time but I miss the old us. You know, the romance we had."
She pulled back from his embrace. "Oh, Tom, you should have said something."
He looked away, embarrassed. "I just didn't want to push."
"Do you even realize how amazing you are? You took care of me no matter how much of a bitch I was. Even on the days I was impossible, you kept pushing on." Tom shook his head to stop her but she pressed a finger to his lips. "No. You need to hear this. It's just that after the surgery, part of me didn't feel sexy anymore. I didn't try to initiate anything and when you didn't push, I thought I was right and I'd stopped being sexy."
Tom's eyes widened in surprise. "Are you kidding me? Not sexy? You don't even have to try and you can pull sexy off. I've never stopped being attracted to you! I didn't push because I knew you were still healing and I love you even if we don't have sex."
She let out a giggle. "I know you do and I feel the same way. I feel silly now for even thinking that."
"Why?" He asked as his hands traced the hem of her T-shirt. "At least now we understand one another. Now you know that you're still gorgeous and sexy and beautiful." He punctuated each confession with a kiss on her jaw, neck and finally her lips.
Ferryn smiled as she arched into him. Tom caught her sigh on the tip of his tongue before it became entangle with hers. He took his time as he familiarized himself with her again. Ferryn let Tom take control as she ran her hands through his braids that fell around his neck and shoulders. She scraped her nails over his scalp, causing him to moan against her lips. He took her jaw in one hand and tilted her head for his lips to get a better angle. His other hand trailed down to her waist, feeling the soft curves of her hips before inching her shirt upward. He smiled into the kiss as his hand caressed her skin. He trailed both his hands under her T-shirt, using his thumbs to guide the way. Ferryn writhed against him as she realized exactly how much she had missed the intimacy between them. Her lips found their way to his neck where she nipped gently, then soothed the bites with her tongue. Tom's hands had moved up to cup her breasts briefly. Without hesitation, she lifted her arms as he removed her shirt and toss it to the floor. She held on to his neck as his lips met the skin just above her bra.
"Unh, Tom."
He traced circles around her breasts with his tongue. He had missed this just as much as she was enjoying it. "What, baby?"
She closed her eyes as his mouth danced over her sensitive skin. "I've miss you. I've missed us."
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He stopped for a moment and held her gaze.
"That was so fucking hot."
Tom laughed slightly. "Yeah, but we should stop before this goes any further."
Confusion clouded Ferryn's face as her hands slid over his bare arms. "Why?"
He leaned in and kissed her once. Without pulling away he mumbled, "I was gonna make you dinner and maybe take you somewhere special."
"Oh. So you don't want to-"
Suddenly, he realized what she meant. "That's not it at all. I want you. I want you bad." He kissed her against deeply before leaning back. "I just don't think that taking you in the studio on a hot and horny whim is considered romantic."
Ferryn laughed. "Not exactly but it was hot and that works."
He shook his head. "You deserve better and you're gonna get that. Go change and relax a bit. I need to start dinner before you try to seduce me again."
"Seduce you?" Ferryn teased as she began nibbling just below his ear, knowing full well that it was one of his erogenous zones. "Little ol' me seduce you?"
Tom held his breath as he tried not to give in to his desires. He lifted her off him and stood quickly. "Those lips are dangerous."
Ferryn giggled as she retrieved her T-shirt. "You aren't exactly safe either, Kaulitz."
Tom kissed her quickly and swatted her ass playfully. "Dinner will be done in an hour."
Ferryn crossed the room but stopped at the doorway. She looked over her shoulder and winked at him before she left the room.
Tom had take a breath to calm his hormones. He shook his head and headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner.
-----------------------------
Less than an hour later, Tom entered the living room to see Ferryn sitting on the floor with the TV on, typing away on her laptop. She smiled as he lowered himself to the floor beside her. Her hair was still damp from a shower and she wore a simple pair of black shorts and a thin white tank top. "Dinner is almost ready." He said as he took one of her hands in his and kissed her knuckles.
"And the house hasn't burned down yet?" Ferryn asked as she grinned at him.
Tom scoffed. "Excuse me?"
Ferryn rolled her eyes. "Baby, I've seen you burn Pop Tarts before."
Tom look wounded. "It's not my fault you turn the toaster up so damn high."
Ferryn couldn't help but laugh as Tom began to poke her sides, tickling her until she was on her back and he was above her. "That's not a very nice thing to say about your boyfriend who has just busted his ass in the kitchen, slaving over your dinner."
"You're right, Tom. Is there any way I can make it up to you?" She asked as she ran her hands over his chest and wrapped her legs around his waist.
Tom groaned. "Baby-"
"Hmm?" Ferryn hummed as she lifted her head to give him a slow, seductive kiss. She tightened her grasp on his waist and smiled as she felt him against her.
"Mmm, Ferryn. Dinner is-" Tom trailed off as he tried to fight against his urges. Her lips had moved to his neck and her nails scraped over his scalp.
"It's your fault that you got me all hot and bothered earlier." She whispered as she trailed kisses around his neck and jaw.
Tom gave up as he pressed himself against her, feeling defeated. He welcomed her kisses and bites along his skin before he leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers. "The things you do to me, Ferryn."
She smiled and bat her eyelashes at him. "What do I do to you, Tom?" Her hand came between them and cupped his erection through his pants. The noise he made was a mixture between pleasure and frustration.
Tom gasped. "Baby, you can't- You can't do that- Right now." He panted.
She took advantage of the situation and slowly slid her tongue across his lips. "Why not?" She slipped her hand under the waistband of his sweatpants and Tom lost all his willpower.
"No dinner then?"
"Yeah." She breathed against his ear. "I just want dessert first."
All words were lost as Tom relented in her seductive game. He had hoped to take things a little more slowly; dinner, chat and eventually get to making love but Ferryn had other plans. Once things were out in the open and understood, it seemed to trigger a new sexual side of Ferryn. Tom liked it a lot. He had planned on starting their union of bodies in his bed but if the living room floor was where she wanted it, that's where he'd give it to her.
Tom looked down at her. Her hair was fanned out wildly on the floor and her cheeks were flushed pink. He could just barely make out the faint outlines of her nipples through her tank top. She'd never looked more beautiful. His head dipped down to kiss her neck. From there, he moved down to the scoop of her tank top and he kissed over her shirt down to the waist of her shorts. Once he reached the hem, he made his way back up. The fabric of top seemed to follow his nose as his lips worked their way over her skin, sending a wave of tiny goosebumps over her body.
"Tom-"
"Relax, baby. We'll get there."
"I want you." She pleaded.
He took a moment to crush his lips against hers. "You have me."
She pulled his shirt up and over his head before she rand her hands over his chest and abdomen. "I've missed this. I'm sorry, Tom."
He brought his lips to hers slowly in a moment of truce. "Don't be sorry. This isn't all your fault. We just hit a bump. We'll move on."
"I love you."
"And I love you." He said as his kisses became more urgent. They took that moment to get lost in one another. They familiarized themselves with the art of loving. Neither of the paid attention to the world around them. The only thing they focused on was the caresses of the other's hands and lips as they brought their bodies to life in a tapestry of love. Neither of them heard the footsteps until a surprised gasp was followed by, "Oh shit!"
Tom sat up on his knees as Ferryn tried to cover herself. Tom did his best to readjust as he looked up at his brother. "Damn it, Bill! I thought you were staying with Andreas!"
"Sorry! I forgot some stuff. I didn't know I'd be walking into this!" He laughed.
"Well, get it and go!" Tom said as Ferryn sat up and buried her face in his chest, embarrassed.
Bill covered his eyes. "Ferryn, I'm so sorry." He said as he laughed again.
A muffled laugh came from Tom's chest before she looked up at Bill with flushed cheeks. "It's fine, Bill."
"Good. I'm just gonna go so you guys can- Well- Okay. Yeah- Sorry again." Bill stuttered as he quickly exited the room.
The room was filled with silence for a moment before the two burst into laughter.
"I could kick his ass." Tom grumbled.
"Don't be so hard on him." She said as she cupped his face in her hands. "It was an accident."
"Yeah, well any later and who knows what he would have walked in on."
"Oh yeah?"
He kissed her just behind her ear before reaching to retrieve his shirt. "Yeah. Don't act like you didn't know where it was leading." He stood and extended his hand to help her up.
She accepted his hand and brushed herself off. "Oh, I thought it. I had hoped-"
"You don't have to hope." He said as he pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her waist. "It's guaranteed to happen tonight."
"Promises, promises."
Tom laughed and pulled her toward the kitchen. "Dinner?"
"I guess I can behave for now." She giggled devilishly
-----------------------------
After dinner was consumed, Tom and Ferryn spent the evening outside on the balcony listening to music softly. There were moments where the conversation would lull but it was a comfortable silence between them. They tried to keep the work talk to a minimum. Tom wanted to separate that part and get to know other parts of his girlfriend. It allowed him to love her from all angles and reminded him of why he fell in love with her in to begin with. Her endless musical talent was only a part of it.
They slowly made their way into the bedroom and Tom kept his earlier promise to Ferryn and gave her what they'd both been missing and then some. All the wait and torture they had to go through to get to the final act was all worth it. It seemed that making love had been taken to a new level for the loving couple. They kissed, caressed, licked, touched, moved and soared together to that euphoric destination they both longed for. As their breaths returned to normal, Tom gazed out the window at the gorgeous view as he traced lazy patterns on Ferryn's naked back. Tom couldn't help but think back on how empty his life had been before he had met Ferryn. "I don't even want to move." He said slowly as he kissed her shoulder.
"Me either."
Tom played with the idea of asking her to move to LA but he didn't want to ruin the moment, in case the conversation didn't go well. She still had family in North Carolina and one long term stay with him couldn't change that fact but when Tom imagined his future, he only saw it with Ferryn. He only hoped she agreed. For once, Tom didn't want to second guess anything or stress over all the unknowns that life throws in everyone's paths. He didn't want to think of his solo career and the risk he'd taken when he had officially signed the record deal. He didn't want to think of the baggage and uncertainty that came with it. He wanted to just living in the moment. He and Ferryn were back on the same wavelength and things were good. They were in love and that's all that mattered.
Tom's cell phone buzzed against the wood of his dresser. He put it out of his mind. He wasn't letting go of Ferryn for the moment. No matter who it was or what they wanted, he was staying in her arms. Nothing was going to ruin the night.
-----------------------------
Tom and Ferryn lay together on the over-sized couch, watching a movie. Tom shifted his weight slightly as he looked down at her. "You okay?"
She turned her head to look into his eyes. "Couldn't be better." She smiled. "You?"
"I'm great." Tom snuggled closer to her. "Would you be willing to go on a little road trip tomorrow?"
"Where to?" She asked as her eyes twinkled with anticipation.
"I can't tell you." Tom said with a wink that made her smile. "But I promise you'll like it."
Ferryn pretended to think for a second. "I suppose if you think I'll like it, I'll go." She laughed lightly. "I'm excited. This is turning into a really good weekend."
He dipped his head down to kiss her shoulder. "Good. This is exactly what I wanted. Just a few days of 'us'. No work talk, no cellphones."
"I still can't believe you've been away from your cell phone for this long." She laughed as she shook her head in disbelief. "This has to be a world record."
Tom poked her side teasingly as he stuck out his tongue. "Like you have any room to talk Miss I-Text-Like-I'm-Paid-To."
Ferryn poked him back. "Whatever, Kaulitz. Don't hate."
He suddenly jumped up and held her down as he lifted her tank top. He blew on her stomach making her giggle and squirm underneath him. He kept it up until she was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. "I'm not a hater. I'm a lover."
"You can be my lover any day." She said as she pulled her shirt down and cuddled with him again.
"Good because I want to be." He said as he held her closely from behind and hooked his chin over her shoulder. "I'm getting used to this."
Ferryn rolled over so that she was facing him. "Getting used to what?"
He sighed happily as he studied her face. "This. Us. Having you here with me all the time."
"It is nice." She smiled contentedly. "We should have done this sooner. It's something I could get accustom to quickly."
Tom's eyes widened in surprise. He'd never heard her speak of anything having to do with permanence when pertaining to him or their relationship. "Really?"
Ferryn locked her gaze with his. "Mmmhmm."
He reached out to tuck a strand of her wavy hair behind her ear. "Would you, um-" He trailed off and looked down as he cleared his throat. "I know I'm hinted about it before but-" His mouth was suddenly dry and he swallowed hard. "Would you ever consider moving here?"
Her expression changed a little. "To LA?"
Tom let out a nervous breath. "Here. As in with me." His expression looked pained as he waited for her answer.
"Wow."
He looked at her with confusion. He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed it quickly. "I'd love to have you here with me all the time. You'd be close to work and we'd get to have these moments more often."
"It's just-" She dropped her hand from his and wiped her palm on her hip. "It's a huge step. I'd be so far away from everything I've ever known and my family-"
"They'd be a plane visit away. Like I am to you right now." Tom said with a slight frown. "You can visit them as often as you'd like, Ferryn."
"Yeah, I know. It's just- Wow."
He laughed nervously. "You already said that. I'm sorry if I freaked you out. I just- It'd be great to wake up to you every morning."
Her expression became lighter and a ghost of a smile played on her lips. "Yeah?"
He leaned down and kissed her softly. "Yeah. I'd have someone to fall asleep with every night and to wake up to every morning. I'd even bring you breakfast in bed and wake you up in ways that will guarantee a good mood for the rest of the day." He waggled his eyebrows.
Ferryn giggled and accepted his lips as they descended on hers once again. "That's pretty tempting."
His nose bumped hers playfully. "I aim to please."
"Don't I know it." She laughed as he moved his body to cover hers.
He glanced down at her tank top and panties, wishing they'd disappear. "So?"
Ferryn ran her nails up his sides and smiled as he trembled. "Can I think about it?"
He dropped his head to her shoulder dramatically before he brought it back up and smiled at her. "Yes. Just keep in mind that I love you and that I want us to live together. Too much of our relationship has been spent with you there and me here and we meet somewhere in the middle. Think of the moments like this right now. Saturdays spent lazing around on the couch, half-naked, watching movies, wrapped up in one another. It can only get better, Ferryn."
He hands caught just below the waist of the back of his boxers. "You're making this hard to pass up. Are you sure you want to deal with me all the time? You know how I can be."
One of his hands sneaked under the fabric of her tank top, caressing her skin. "I love my little fire-breathing girlfriend."
"Are you trying to get me to say yes right now or are you trying to seduce me?"
His answer was barely a breath against her lips. "Both." He claimed them hungrily as his tongue flicked over her bottom lip. His hand continued its assault on her skin and Ferryn arched against him as his fingers strummed over her sensitive nipples. It wasn't long before the annoying fabric of her tank top was being tossed to the floor.
Ferryn sucked in a deep breath as Tom tried to catch his own. "I'll say yes to one of those options right now."
"Yeah?" His breath fanned over her skin, sending chills over her body. "Which one would that be?"
"Seduce me, Tom."
He smiled as his tongue darted out to part her lips. He quickly kissed his way down to her neck. "Gladly." He cupped one of her breast in his hands as he sucked her nipple gently. Ferryn's hand slipped inside his boxers, gripping him firmly. "Oh god, Ferryn."
"Feel good, baby?"
Tom panted against her skin as he moved back up to her neck. "Mmmm" was all he could manage to say.
Ferryn began to stroke him slowly, varying between long slow strokes and firmer quicker ones.
"Ferryn, you have to stop." He breathed quickly.
Ferryn didn't stop. He whimpered as she quickened her pace. Sweat beaded across his forehead and his hips bucked rhythmically against her hand. He bit his bottom lip and squeezed his eyes closed. She'd occasionally rub her thumb over the tip which would elicit a moan between his quickening breaths. It wasn't long before he let out a low, raw groan as his body tightened and jerked with release. He fell against her and breathed quickly against her ear. "I love you." It came out in a rush. He took two deep breaths. "So much."
"I love you too." She smiled. "You're always so free with your words. So passionate about everything. You never cease to amaze me."
He gave her a lopsided smile. "I'm just saying what I feel."
Ferryn's hands wrapped around his neck as he kissed her deeply. She slid her hands down his back and easily pushed his boxers down his slim hips. He lifted just enough to kick them off. His lips began a trail from her neck, down to her collar bone. He trailed his tongue down to her breast, wrapping his lips around her nipple. She shivered and he quickly switched to her other breast.
Ferryn writhed against him as Tom moved down her body, kissing and licking across her stomach. When his lips met the waist of her panties, he mumbled against her skin. "These need to go." He hooked his thumbs under the waist band and slid them down and off over her ankles. He kissed his way from her left ankle, down to her knee. He put her leg over his shoulder as he kissed his way down to her inner thigh. She positioned her other leg over his left shoulder as his hands grabbed her waist to hitch her upward.
His tongue delved in, flicking over the sensitive bud. He felt her gasp and smiled as he took his time licking, kissing and sucking her clit. Her hips arched against him and he had to hold her still as she whimpered. He'd make quick flitting movements and feel her body squirm as she moaned and her breathing quickened. He'd bring her right to the edge of climax, then he'd slow down and kiss and suck gently. She was enjoying his delicious torture. He finally let his tongue dart out, quickly flicking over her clit as he slid two fingers inside her opening. His fingers rapidly slid in and out as pleasure washed over her. He held onto her hips with his free hand as she tensed and then finally fell limp with ecstasy.
When she finally caught her breath, she looked down at him. "You've got talent."
He came up to kiss her quickly. "Like I said, I aim to please."
She suddenly grabbed his jaw. "Sit up."
He looked at her with confusion but did as he was told. He sat up and leaned back against the couch. She swung her leg around him and straddled his lap. "You want to be on top? You could have just said something before. I didn't-"
"Shut up." Ferryn said before she crushed her lips against his. She smiled down at him as he body moved upwards so she could glide herself down on top of him.
-----------------------------
Hours later, the sun was setting and they had just shared dinner on the balcony. Ferryn was emerging from the shower to find Tom leaning against the kitchen counter. His laptop was in front of him and his glasses were perched on his face. He was dressed in plaid pajama bottoms and a white tank top.
She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "What are you up to?"
"Just checking email."
"You plan on checking your phone today? It's beeping like crazy back there in the bedroom."
Tom sighed and quickly kissed her cheek. "Yeah. I should."
"Good." She grinned. "I wanted the laptop."
He shook his head as he went to check his voice mails. A few minutes later, a glum Tom walked back into the kitchen.
"Bad new?" Ferryn frowned.
"I have to leave tomorrow."
"What?" Ferryn asked with her brows furrowed. "Where are you going?"
He tossed his phone on the counter and wrapped his arms around her. "They want me in New York to start recording."
"Your album? You signed the deal?"
"Sort of. It was kind of like a 'no strings' kind of deal."
"Oh." Ferryn averted her eyes.
"Please don't think I was trying to keep that from you. I went into it half-assed because I'm still torn about it."
She nodded, silently trying to understand. "You have to go do it, Tom."
"Yeah?"
Ferryn gave him an encouraging smile. "Of course."
"Okay then." His forehead dropped to hers. "I guess I'm going."
She kissed him softly. "Good. Go. Put that talent to use."
He pulled away as he suddenly remembered. "Damn! Your surprise tomorrow!"
Her face fell slightly. "Oh. It's- It's fine, Tom. This is more important."
"Not to me." He said as he frowned. "This meant a lot to me, Ferryn."
"It's okay. Really. I'll be fine. We can always go when you get back."
"Yeah. Another time." He shrugged as his mood darkened. "You sure you're okay?"
Ferryn nodded and smiled. The put on a face of confidence. "Yeah, I'm good."
"Okay." Tom said as he pulled her into his arms. He wanted to believe her but he knew she was disappointed. Truth be told, he was disappointed also. He didn't want the week to end.
-----------------------------
Tom paced the hallway of the recording studio. He was desperate for a moment alone. He'd spent the past two days holed up in the tiny room doing nothing but writing and recording. He was eager to get away from a minute or two. He pulled out his cell phone and hit the buttons to connect him with the familiar number that always made him smile. He listened to it ring as butterflies swirled in his stomach.
"Hi, baby!" Ferryn cooed into the phone. "How's the recording?"
His smile grew. "Hey, gorgeous." He ran his hand over his braids and continued pacing the hallway. "Recording is going well. I'm staying busy. It feels odd."
"How so?"
"It's just-" He paused and sighed deeply. "It's been so long and I'm not used to doing my own music anymore."
Ferryn laughed. "Tom, you record yourself all the time for demos."
He rolled his eyes. "I know. It's just that it's my music now. Something just feels different."
"Is it a good different?"
He bit his lip. "I haven't decided that yet."
"Soon you'll realize what you've been missing and how amazing you are."
His heart swelled at her dedication to him. "I didn't call to get an ego boost."
Ferryn scoffed. "Tough. I'm your biggest fan and it's my job to praise you."
Tom shook his head and let out another sigh. "I miss you."
"I miss you too and it's only been two days." Ferryn laughed. "What is with us, Tom?"
Tom grinned as he thought for a second. He knew what it was with them. They had slowly rebuilt their relationship and it was exactly where he wanted it. They were in love. "It's called love, Ferryn." His voice was full of emotion.
"I am, you know?" She said softly.
"You're what?"
"In love with you."
His heart skipped a beat. She was slowly becoming more open with her emotions but no matter how much he heard it, it never got old. "I'm in love with you too."
A comfortable silence took over the conversation for a few seconds before Tom finally asked, "So what have you been up to?"
"Work." She sighed. "Sam has some projects for me to look over. I guess I get to pick which direction I want to go next."
"That's my baby girl, always working." He laughed. "You haven't wrecked my car yet, have you?"
"Oh shit, I forgot to tell you-" She said quickly.
"What?" Tom said as panic took over for a moment. He calmed when he heard her burst out laughing. "Very funny, Ferryn."
"I thought so." She giggled. "Your precious baby is fine. I can actually get to the studio now without using the GPS."
He chuckled. "Look at you! Driving around LA like you belong there."
Ferryn laughed sarcastically. "Right. I'm neither plastic nor jaded, thank you."
"Hey! I'm not plastic either!"
Ferryn was amused by his outburst. He was far from plastic and jaded. "Don't I know it."
"So-" He began. "If you're getting the hang of driving around LA, does that mean it's possible you've given more thought into moving here?"
Ferryn bit her lip. "Maybe."
His brows raised in surprise and he felt the familiar skip in his chest. "Really?"
"Nothing is set in stone but I'm been thinking."
"Good." He smiled, wishing he could see her face. "Thinking is good."
"Mmmhmm." She hummed. "How long will you be in New York?"
"I'm honestly not sure. I'll let you know when I find out though. We're still writing and recording stuff as we go."
"Sounds good. I hope everything goes well for you."
"Thank you, babe." He picked a piece of lint from the front of his shirt and rolled it between his fingers. "Are you gonna be there when I get back home?"
"I'm not sure yet." She said as she studied her nails before biting on her thumbnail. "I guess it depends on how long you'll be there. I would like to get home sometime soon but I have obligations here in LA over the next few months."
"I hope you're still there. Keep me posted."
"I will. You should get back in the studio though before they start looking for your fine ass."
Tom laughed. "They're all guys, Ferryn."
Ferryn giggled. "That doesn't mean anything, Kaulitz."
He rolled his eyes. "You're a weirdo."
"Yeah, I am. Love you."
"Love you too. Have a good week."
Tom hit end on his phone and turned to walk back into the little room. His feelings were mixed between missing his girlfriend and a strange hint of relief. Although they were apart, as they'd been many times before, she was at home, waiting for his return. The idea gave him hope for what was to come. He wondered what it'd be like to never have to wonder if she'd be there on one of his returns home. It was a little overwhelming to always know she'd be living their permanently but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it. He really believed he was ready to settle down. He knew he'd seen something different in Ferryn's eyes before he had left for New York. They were full of love and promise. There was no denying it. Ferryn had to be the one for him.
-----------------------------
Rick looked up from the soundboard and rolled his eyes at Tom. "Lemme guess, you just got off the phone with Ferryn."
"So what if I did?" Tom said innocently.
Rick gave a half smile. "You're so love struck, it's not even funny."
Tom shrugged and resumed his spot int he black swivel chair beside his friend. "So? I love her. It happens."
Rick noticed how serious Tom was. "You think she's it?"
Tom couldn't hide his guilty smile. "I think so, man."
"Wouldn't her living in North Carolina be an obstacle?"
Tom's face fell slightly. "Not at the moment because she's been staying with me for a while. She's working on projects in LA. And I sort of asked her to move in with me."
Rick's eyes widened. "You kind of asked her?"
"Yeah, I asked but I never got a definite answer. I know she's afraid to say yes and we haven't exactly had the most normal relationship."
"Define normal."
"Since the day we met, it's been her traveling here or me going there. We've never really had the chance to go through all the steps of a normal relationship. I mean, we've had arguments and all that but we've come through it all a lot stronger. She's just- I can't even put it into words." He rubbed his hand over his face. "When I'm with her, I'm just happier than I can ever remember being."
Rick pat Tom on the back. "I understand where you're coming from. With both of you in the music industry, it can't be easy but on the other hand, I've seen you together and I can tell she loves you. Give her time and you'll get your answer."
"I hope so." He slumped in his chair. "I almost hate myself for being here. I feel weird doing this music thing when I'd rather be at home with her. I had girlfriends back in my Tokio Hotel days but I've never wanted to choose a girl over music until Ferryn came into the picture."
"You're in love."
Tom rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Captain Obvious."
"You've grown up. You see things differently."
"Yeah. I honestly didn't think 'd find someone else I wanted to be with again." Tom sighed as he thought of Ferryn's voice on the other end of the phone. He wondered what she was doing at that moment and felt himself wishing he could sink into one of her hugs. He looked forward at the sound board and mentally cringed. The studio was the last place he wanted to be.
Rick scooted up closer to the sound board, indicating he was ready to get back to work. "You can't let that ex of yours dictate your life, Tom. Not every woman is like her. Ferryn's good for you Just take it day by day. If you love her like you say you do, you'll be just fine."
Tom nodded but was in no mood to continue working. He felt as though he was being held hostage in the studio. "Yeah, I'm sure I will be." He tried to think of anything but working.
-----------------------------
Ferryn groaned and slammed Tom's car door closed as she walked toward the studio, obviously annoyed. She had just left not even an hour before and was relaxing at Tom's house with a book when they called her back to the studio to fix someone else's error. She was anything but happy.
She looked down at her appearance and cringed a little at her gray sweatpants and baggy T-shirt. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail. She was dressed for comfort but she didn't care. She wasn't there to impress anyone. Her only goal was to fix the error and leave. She was counting down the days until Tom's return.
She exited the elevator and was hastily rounding the corner when her should banged into something really hard. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorr-"
Her words caught in her throat when she saw who was looking back at her. "Ferryn?"
"This can't be happening." Her name slipped from his lips in almost a whisper. She suddenly felt nervous. "Blake?"
"Sorry. I didn't see you coming- I mean- How have you been?" He shifted nervously. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
"I've been okay. You?"
He smiled easily. "I've been good. Busy. The album's about to be released so yeah. You know how that goes."
"Yeah, I do." She crossed her arms in front of her. "You've worked hard. I hope it goes well."
"Hey, you're the reason that CD even got done." He said as he lightly hit her shoulder. "I'd better see you at the release party."
Ferryn looked at him wide eyed. "Is he serious?" She reminded herself that this was business and part of her work was connected to his music. "I, um- Don't think- What?" She stuttered.
"The date hasn't been set but I can't let you know. It would mean a lot to me if you were there." He said as his eyes shone with sincerity. He rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment before he stumbled forward a little and came a little too close for Ferryn's liking. She took a step back.
"Just let me know. I don't know if I'll still be in LA but I'll see what I can do." She looked at her watch. "I hate to cut this short but I have to get to work. Fixing people's errors are my calling in life."
Blake laughed. "They can't help that you're so damn talented. It's hard to find the best out there."
Ferryn smiled. She was grateful for his compliment but it still made her feel weird. She couldn't put a finger on why though. She thanked him before excusing herself as quickly as possible. he was the last person she thought she'd run into. She felt a little guilty for enjoying their run-in. It was all innocent and she missed his friendship. That's what ate at her conscience the most. She tried to shake it off as she entered the studio. Her bad mood returned as she buried herself in work, hoping to forget what had just happened.
-----------------------------
Tom ran a hand over his exhausted face as he dragged himself down the hallway to his hotel room. He checked his watch and groaned. It was 3:45 AM. His body was used to LA time so it was only 12:45 AM to him but he felt like it was much later. He'd had a particularly hard day of work in the studio. He was writing, singing, reworking and perfecting tracks he had already written years ago. It was an odd feeling for him, almost like digging up his past Each song contained a memory that had been tucked away, reminding him of what was going on when and why he wrote it. A few tracks had been completely trashed from ever being on his future CD playlist. He just wanted to forget it all as he dragged his tired body into his room. He kicked off his clothes and switched into pajama pants before he threw himself down on the bed. He tucked himself under the blankets and was nearly asleep when that nagging feeling attacked his stomach.
He missed Ferryn more than he thought was even possible. He had expected this time spent away from her would be just like the rest since they'd spent the vast majority of their relationship apart but it felt different this time. His thought meandered back to her time and time again throughout the day. Even though they talked every day over the phone, it wasn't the same. He missed falling asleep with her at night and waking up to her face in the morning. He missed making love to her and just lazing around with her in his arms. It seemed that when they'd finally met some common ground and things were looking up, something always had to step in and interfere.
That only added to his hesitation about making an album. It just didn't feel like the right time. He was fighting the sleep from his exhausted eyes as he grabbed his phone. His thumb grazed over the keys as he dared to press the speed dial button that would connect him to her cell phone. 3:50 AM in New York meant 12:50 AM in LA. Would she be asleep? At that moment, all he really wanted was to hear her voice.
He pressed the button and brought the phone to his ear. Four rings later, her sleepy voice answered. "H'lo?"
"Ferryn? It's me."
"Tom?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry I woke you." He smiled as she yawned.
"S'okay. You okay?"
"Yeah." He said but he couldn't prevent the sigh that escaped his lips.
"Tell me about it." She whispered.
"The day sucked. I'm tired and irritated with the whole process as well as everyone working on the project with me. To top it all off, I came back to my empty hotel room alone. I just miss you."
Ferryn couldn't suppress a small giggle as she pictured him pouting. "I'm sorry, baby. If I could be there to hold you, I would."
"Yeah?"
She could practically see his hopeful smile. "Yeah. If I didn't have to be at the studio in like five hours, I'd gladly fly to New York."
"Ugh. You want me to let you go?"
"No. I want you to tell me what's wrong." She said encouragingly.
He heaved another heavy sigh. "It's just- All of this. It feels like work. I'm not producing stuff for other artist like I'm used to. It's all me and every little detail has to be perfect. These producers are even more anal about perfection than I am."
Ferryn giggled again. "I'm sorry but thinking of someone more anal that you is comedic to me. Don't stress. You knew it was gonna be new. It's gonna take a while of getting your feet wet before you're used to the waters. I bet things will settle down sooner than later and you'll be in there taking over like a pro, making music that will break hearts across the world."
"Thanks, babe." He scoffed. "How did you know I write and sing music just to break hearts?"
"That's not what I meant, Kaulitz. Don't twist my words." She commanded in the sassy tone that she knew he loved.
"Uh huh."
"You really are in a funk tonight, huh? Tell them you need a day off."
Tom laughed absurdly. "Yeah, right. I'm a slave to them. We have to do this and do that and re-do that track to meet this deadline. I'm sick of it." He nearly whined.
Ferryn wasn't used to hearing this side of Tom. Usually when he was referring to music, his outlook was bright and loving and completely different. "Want me to kick someone's ass?"
Finally, Tom let out a genuine laugh. "Yes, please."
"Just tell me who and where."
"I love that fact that you're always willing to defend me." He could feel his mood changing.
Ferryn shrugged, though he couldn't see her. "I love you. It's what I do."
"I love you too." He smiled. "So what are you wearing right now?"
Ferryn laughed and looked under the covers at her night time attire. "I'm sleeping so what do you think I'm wearing?"
He raised an eyebrow and a grin formed on his lips. "If I were home, I'd hope it'd be nothing."
"Mmm but you're not home, stud."
"So what are you wearing since I'm not there to wrap my arms around you?"
"Some lace, see-through panties and that's it."
"Ferryn, that's not fair!" Tom scolded.
She laughed as she rolled over and buried her face in his pillow. "I'm wearing one of your T-shirts and a pair of shorts. Chill out."
"I like the first mental image you gave me better." He smirked. "I know it sounds cheesy but I really just want to bury my face in your hair, pull you against me and drift off to sleep."
"You're killing me."
"I'm sorry. I've had a bad day and I'm just being a brat."
She smiled."You're entitled to your bad days. I'm just sorry I can't be there to hold you and make it feel better."
"It's okay. I'm just counting the days until I can leave and go home to you."
"There ya go!" She perked up. "Look on the brighter side of things."
Tom chuckled. "No more funky attitude. Tell me how you've been."
Ferryn couldn't stop her eyelids from drooping closed. "I've been fine. Just like I was when we talked yesterday."
Tom yawned. The sound of her voice was comforting. "You getting along with Bill?"
"Mmmhmm. He's been in and out a few times but I haven't seen him much."
"As long as he's been there. I don't want you to be all alone."
Ferryn scoffed. "I do have friends in LA, you know."
"I know." He rolled his eyes. "You know what I meant. It's not like your workaholic self would actually take some time off and just relax for the day."
"It's in my blood. I can't help it."
"How is work? You seemed upset when I called you the other night."
"Oh, I was. It was a late night where I had to run to fix something that someone else screwed up. It's the story of my life." That night flashed through her mind. "Blake. Should I tell him?"
"Ferryn Phillips to the rescue! That's my girl." He said as he lightly scratched his stomach.
"Yeah, yeah." She hesitated for a moment. "I, uh- I ran into someone at the studio that night."
Tom swallowed. "Yeah? Who?"
She took a deep breath, praying this wasn't gonna blow up in her face. This is how the whole tirade had begun last night. "Promise you won't get mad."
"Okay."
"Are you serious about that or just saying it so I'll tell you who it was?"
"I'm serious. I'm already in a bad mood so it doesn't matter." He laughed.
"I ran into Blake." She held her breath as silence filled the distance between them.
"Yeah?" Tom asked. "How is he?"
Ferryn was shocked. There was no sarcasm or snarkiness in his voice. "He's good. He's been working non-stop like I had predicted. His album is about to come out."
"That's good after all the work that's been put into it!" He laughed.
"Still no attitude. So far, so good." Ferryn laughed along with him. "Don't remind me. Anyway-" She trailed off. "He invited me to his release party."
"Oh yeah? You gonna go?"
"Maybe he has grown up." Ferryn was stunned. "I, um- I thought about it. I mean, he and I were good friends."
Tom took a breath as he pushed all the negative thoughts from his head. "I know. You worked hard on that album. I'm sure he'd appreciate having you there."
"You won't freak out if I go?"
Tom laughed. "Am I that bad? I thought we moved on from all the jealousy shit." He repositioned his pillow under his head. "If you want to go, you should. With or without my permission."
Ferryn was so shocked she actually sat up. "Have you fallen and hit your head?"
"No!" He couldn't help from laughing at her astonishment. "We're at a good place right now. I love you and I know you love me. I have nothing to worry about, do I?"
Suddenly, Ferryn felt drained. Sleep sounded much better than having this conversation. "No."
"Then we're good." He said as they yawned in unison. "I suppose I should say good-night."
"You feeling any better?"
Tom buried his face in the pillow, feeling closer to sleep. "I do. Thank you. I just needed to hear your voice. It makes me feel closer to you."
"Good. Go sleep. Let your body rest and forget about the jerks at the studio and all the stress. Just remember that when you get home, you'll have my open arms waiting for you."
A broad smile took over his chiseled face. "I think I just fell in love with you all over again."
Ferryn giggled. "It's a gift. Get some sleep. I love you."
"You get some sleep too. I love you too."
Tom hung up feeling a lot better than before he had called. He was finally able to close his eyes and find peaceful slumber away from work and stress. His dreams were filled with the one woman who could always bring a smile to his face.
-----------------------------
Tom walked into the studio the next morning feeling refreshed and a little more like himself. His talk with Ferryn was just what he had needed to wash away the bad mood and relieve him of stress. He was able to sleep in for an extra hour which also helped to renew his body. He was determined to take on the day with a new attitude. With a cup of coffee in hand, he nodded to everyone. "Morning."
"I'd say so. You look a little more alive this morning." Rick quipped.
Tom chose not to acknowledge the comment. "Let's get to work."
Rick looked at Tom curiously. "Bad night?"
"I don't want to talk about it." He was in no mood to speak his mind. He didn't want to be there but he was going to make the best of it. "Where are we starting today?"
Rick skimmed over the paper in his hand. "This is the game plan." He said as he passed the paper to Tom. "Here's some deadlines, promo dates and I think they're starting to book radio gigs for you as well."
Tom tried not to let his annoyance show. The schedule was insane. From the look of the dates, he would have nothing even close to a normal life for the next year, let alone being able to go home to see Ferryn. "October 3rd? What the hell? I told you I had to be home by then."
"What so important about October 3rd?""
"It's Ferryn's birthday." Tom said as he shoved the paper back at Rick. "It doesn't matter what it says on that paper, I'm not going."
"The dates are booked, Tom." Rick said cautiously. "If we back out, they'll pull the plug on this whole thing."
"This is bullshit!" Tom complained. "It's like history is repeating itself. Dates, deadlines and being a slave to 'my way or the highway'."
Rick looked on helplessly. It was his job to back Tom and see that things were done properly but when it came down to it, he didn't have control 100% of the time. "It's the price you have to pay, Tom. I'm sure she'll understand." Rick said.
"Whatever. I'm going for a walk. Someone call me when you're ready to start."
Tom stormed out of the studio into the cool September air of New York. Suddenly, his bad mood had quickly returned and shit all over his day. It seemed that each day working on his own album was less and less appealing. He forced himself to wonder why he had even tried. Things had changed for him. Life had changed as he got older and he was finally beginning to see things clearly. Things weren't the same as when he had been making music with Tokio Hotel. He'd been younger then and better able to adapt to the stress. All stress aside, his mind kept replaying the phone call he'd have to make to Ferryn and the birthday gift that he'd have to put on hold.
-----------------------------
Later that week, Tom was on his way into the studio early in the morning when his phone rang in his pocket. He looked at the name that displayed and was surprised. He smiled and brought the phone to his ear. "Hey, baby!"
"Hey, Tom." Ferryn sighed. "Is this a bad time?"
"No. I was just about to go into the studio." Tom leaned against the wall opposite the studio door. "What's up?"
Ferryn bit her lip. "Nothing." She said quietly. "I just missed you."
Tom's heart did a little flip flop. "I miss you too."
She grinned and wished he was there so she could put her arms around him. "They still working you like a dog?"
He frowned. "Yeah. Same shit, different day."
"My poor baby." Ferryn said with a laugh.
"You wanna come make it better?" Tom joked.
"Yeah, let me just fire up my private jet and I'll be in you bed, naked and waiting by the time you get back."
Tom closed his eyes. "Ferryn, don't tease me light that."
"Sorry, it's a natural talent." She giggled. "Hey, I know this is a long shot but I have something to ask you."
"Okay."
She played with a loose string on the hem of her shirt. "I know you're busy with the album but I was wondering if you'd like to go back home with me sometime."
Tom frowned. "Home as in North Carolina?"
Ferryn nodded even though he couldn't see her. "Yes. North Carolina."
Tom ran a hand over his face in frustration. "You know I'd love to, babe, but they've informed me that I'm gonna be here a lot longer than I thought."
The disappointment was apparent in her voice. "Oh. How long?"
"At least another few weeks." He winced as he said it. "Maybe even a month."
"That long? I thought half the album was done." Her forehead creased in thought.
Tom scoffed. "I thought so too but they're being picky about it. There are a lot of things I have go rework, retweak and rerecord. It's ridiculous. I'm about to pull the plug on the whole thing."
"Tom, you don't mean that." She tried to sound encouraging. "It'll all be worth it in the end."
"I'm not so sure anymore." He grumbled. "Your birthday-" He trailed off but she already knew.
"You won't be home. It's ok-"
"No, it's not okay." Tom quickly interrupted her. "I wanted to be with you to celebrate."
"I will have other birthdays, Tom." She reasoned.
"Will there?"
She let out a defeated sigh. She hadn't expected the conversation to turn sour. "I'd like to think so." She said flatly.
"I didn't mean anything by that. Of course there will be. It's just- This is hard for me." His shoulders slumped and he heaved a heavy sigh. "I don't want to be here. I want to be home with you, holding you, kissing you-"
"You're just making it worse." Ferryn shook her head.
Tom could feel the frustration building. "Ugh, I just want to punch something right now!"
"I'm gonna let you go." Ferryn said with a deep frown. "You're in a bad mood and-"
"I don't want to do this anymore, Ferryn."
Fear leaped into her throat. "Do what? Us?"
"No!" Tom said quickly. "I mean this whole album thing. I just don't think it's the right thing anymore."
Ferryn felt a headache suddenly building behind her eyes. "Tom, you'll never know unless you try. You've walked down this road before with Tokio Hotel. You know how it goes."
He suddenly became more agitated. Ferryn was trying to get him through his bad mood. She knew exactly what kind of an amazing musician he could be. She felt so strongly about it but he couldn't figure out why he didn't feel it. "You're right." The sarcasm was thick in his voice. "I'll just suck it up."
"I should let you go." She said softly.
"Ferryn?"
"Yeah, Tom?"
"I'm sorry." He said as he tugged on his braids. "Bill will be home for your birthday. I'm sure he'd be up for going out and you can invite some friends over."
"It's okay, Tom." She smiled weakly. "I'll be fine."
"If I find out that you sat home alone on your birthday watching Lifetime movies-"
The corners of her mouth turned up slightly and she tried not to laugh. "Don't knock my Lifetime movies."
"I'm just saying that you should do something fun."
"It's fine, Tom. I'm a big girl." Her voice carried a hint of a warning indicating that Tom needed to drop the subject.
"But-" He heard her tsk and he knew she was disappointed.
"I'll talk to you later." She said simply. Her voice was void of any emotion.
"Fine." Tom sighed heavily. "I love you, Ferryn."
"Me too. Bye."
Shocked grasped Tom firmly as the line went dead. She acknowledged that he'd told her he loved her but her not saying it back stung. His day had officially turned to shit. He grunted in frustration and rolled his eyes as he walked into the studio. He suddenly felt like this was the beginning of the end of his love life. It added to the dull, hesitant feeling he had from the day he signed his album deal.
-----------------------------
Ferryn paced through Tom and Bill's huge house. Even though her birthday had been uneventful, she was grateful that she could enjoy the gorgeous view from Tom's balcony. Her morning began by sleeping in. She woke up alone in Tom's huge bed and the dread had hit her hard. She got up and found a huge bouquet of flowers that Tom had sent on the counter in the kitchen along with his million apologies and a birthday card from Bill. When she finally turned her phone on, she listened to the sweet message Tom had left for her but the reality of it all made it difficult to be happy. She would spend her birthday missing Tom to the point where it was painful. This was so unlike her. Ferryn Phillips didn't fall this hard.
She thought about flying to New York but she knew he'd be busy working. Plus, why should she have to fly to him on her birthday? It was unfair.
She glanced over the balcony and took a deep breath of air as he cellphone beeped indicating she had a text. She grabbed it, expecting another birthday text from a family member or friend. She appreciated them all but it didn't make up for the void she felt deep inside. She was surprised when she looked at the screen.
Blake: Hope to see you tonight at the release party. You deserve this as much as I do!
Her eyes widened. She had completely forgotten about the party. She bit her lip as she went back and forth with the decision. She had nothing else to do that night. It was her birthday and she she did want to go out somewhere. She had put a lot of work into Blake's CD and it would feel good to see him finally get the credit he deserved. She made up her mind to put her wallowing aside as she searched through her things for something to wear. She didn't even feel guilty about the purposefully missed call from Tom while she was getting ready.
-----------------------------
Ferryn had forgotten what the party life of Hollywood was like. Glitz and glam, spotlights and photographers. She looked down at herself and was hoping her outfit would work if this was going to be such a big event. She had chosen black dress pants and a white silky, sleeveless blouse that lay low in the middle of her chest. Her bangs were pulled back as the rest of her hair flowed around her shoulders in a natural wave. She'd chosen a dark blue pendant to go around her neck to finish off the look. She didn't want to overdo it but didn't want to seem under-dressed. She smiled when she felt she had gone in the right direction. It was her birthday and even though the celebration wasn't for her, it made her feel good to dress up.
She had every intention of making a brief appearance and dipping out quietly but that wasn't the case. Her name was on the list of VIPs and she was instructed to walk the red carpet and smile for various photographers. She didn't think it was relevant but pushed it to the back of her mind, thinking this was how these things were done. She smiled with her head held high as she made her way down the red carpet. When she was finally inside, it was easy to find a familiar face as she mingled. She may not have been an A-Lister but she was famous amongst this crowd. Producers, record label executives, and a fair share of musicians recognized and knew her. It eased her nerves to feel welcomed.
She took her time as she shared conversations and sipped drinks throughout the evening. Ferryn wasn't much of a drinker but she figured it was what people did at these events so she didn't want to look out of place. She had been there nearly an hour when she finally met up with Blake. She was chatting with a manager about an up and coming singer when Blake came strutting across the room. Ferryn's eyes traveled over him for a moment. She bit her lip and cursed her thoughts. He looked handsome in a pair of dressy jeans and deep red shirt with a black jacket to top it off.
He spotted her and their eyes met as their faces mirrored a smile. She barely had time to excuse herself before he wrapped her in his arms and twirled her around. "You came!" He said joyfully.
Ferryn took a moment to gain her balance once he set her on her feet. "I came." She stated simply with a broad grin.
"Thank you." His hands moved away from her but he didn't step any further away from her. "Are you having a good time?"
Ferryn nodded as she tucked her hair behind her ear. She rolled the glass she held around in her palm. "It looks like you're gonna be a star."
"I haven't done anything yet." Blake blushed. "But I'd owe it all to you."
She laughed and shook her head. "Your talent stands alone, Blake. I was there. I saw how hard you worked."
"I did." He smiled graciously. "With the help of you."
"This is your party, not mine."
"I hate being gushed over. It gets old." He shuffled his feet nervously. "How are things with you?"
"Thing are good." She shrugged. "You know."
"Still producing, as per the usual." He scratched his neck. "Have you moved to LA permanently?"
Ferryn bit her lip. "Not officially yet. I'm still looking into my options."
Blake nodded. "I understand." He knew it was time to surpass the subject. He shifted a little and ran his hand over his hair. "You gonna be here for a while? I was thinking we could, um- Catch up."
Ferryn couldn't help but laugh. He was the next best thing in music but still was a shy, self-conscious man. "I don't have anywhere else to be." She said and her face fell slightly. "I'd love to catch up." She put on a bright smile.
"Good." The corners of his lips turned upward and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'll come find you. Just- Don't leave."
"I won't." She said as she blushed deeply.
"Okay. Well-" He trailed off slightly before he wrapped her in a hug. "I'm gonna go mingle." He pulled her tighter against him and his hand lingered against her back. "I'm really glad you're here." He whispered before finally pulling away.
"Me too." Ferryn cursed herself as she felt her cheeks grow hot.
He turned and mixed in with the guests, turning and giving her a quick wink before he disappeared into the crowd of people.
"Maybe this was a bad idea.
-----------------------------
It felt like Ferryn had been at the party forever. She had spoken with nearly everyone there. She was exhausted and slightly cranky by the time the party began to wind down. Many people had already gone and she felt a little ridiculous sitting around waiting for Blake. "Some birthday."
Another 45 minutes passed and she had finally had her share of fun. She saw no sign of the guest of honor and was about to exit the club and hail a taxi when a hand caught hers from behind and spun her around. "Don't tell me the one person I've been most excited to see is leaving me for the night."
Ferryn turned around and was ready for a battle. "I thought about it."
Blake looked disappointed. "You really want to leave?"
She shrugged.
"Then come on. We're gonna hang out for a while." He said as he pulled her along. "Turn that frown upside down."
She couldn't help but laugh. "You're such a dork."
"And you love me the way I am." Blake chuckled.
They headed to the bar and sat at the stools. Ferryn watched while Blake downed his first beer.
"You don't drink at all?" He asked in disbelief.
"Not really. I'm really quite boring."
He gave her a knowing look. "I know for a fact that you're not."
She shrugged. "Getting wasted right now doesn't seem like a bad idea."
He looked at her with concern. "Anything you wanna share with the class?"
She looked down at the bar. "Not really."
"If you say so."
"What should I order?" Ferryn asked clueless. "What gets you buzzed pretty quickly?"
"Seriously?" Blake asked, stunned. "Are you sure you wanna do that?"
"Yeah." She said. She was sick of thinking and caring and feeling. She needed to be numb. "Just tell me what to order."
"A Jack and Coke if you want to start slowly." He said cautiously. "Shots if you're going right for the kill, though I wouldn't recommend that. It can backfire on you."
"Jack and Coke it is." Ferryn said, nodding to the bartender.
"ID." The bartender said sternly.
Ferryn pulled the little card from her purse and flashed it at the bartender. He looked it over and nodded before turning to make the drink. She dropped the card on the bar and hummed along to the music. Blake picked up her ID and scanned over it quickly. "Nice picture." He stated casually. "Wait. What the hell? Ferryn, your birthday is today?"
She checked her watch. "Yesterday, actually. According to my watch."
He looked at her like she had suddenly grown horns. "Why aren't you celebrating?"
"Because I came to your party." She said and took a big gulp of the drink the bartender sat in front of her. She cringed slightly.
"Why do I feel like there's more to this story?"
She rolled her eyes. "Because you're Blake and you like gossip."
He laughed and pulled the drink from her hands before she downed it completely. "Yes, I'm Blake and unless you forgot, we used to be friends. Now you're gonna tell me why you're alone on your birthday."
Ferryn scoffed. "Tom's in New York."
"I figured this had something to do with him." He nodded.
"He's working." She shot back quickly.
Blake held up his hands in defense. "I didn't say anything bad about him!"
She pulled the drink back from his grasp and took another big gulp. "I know. It's just- Ugh. Can we just talk about something else?"
"Ferryn, come on." He took her face in his hands and made her look at him. "Stop it. Tell me what's going on."
She let out a loud, dramatic sigh and pulled her face from Blake's grasp. He's in New York working on his album. I feel guilty because when I talk to him, he's in a bad mood about it. I can tell he just doesn't want to be doing it but I'm trying to be encouraging and remind him that he has to go through these rough spots. But at the same time, I'm having selfish thoughts. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here right now."
"I don't think that's selfish."
"But I'm mad at myself. He seemed so disappointed that he couldn't come home and I feel stupid for being mad but in a way, I feel I have a right to be even though I understand why he can't be."
"It's okay to be mad, Ferryn." He said as he ordered another beer. "You're only human."
"Yeah, yeah." She rolled her eyes. She ordered a double shot of watermelon Vodka and downed it quickly. "I really miss him."
Blake placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know you do."
She looked back at him almost guiltily. "I'm sorry for being like this. I don't want to ruin your night." She sniffed. "I'll call a cab-"
"Stop." He laughed. "You're not ruining my night. You've had a shitty birthday and you need a friend."
She smiled and her hand covered his, lying on the bar. "You're right."
"So-" He winked. "Tell me what you've been up to."
"Work. Work. And sometimes, just to mix it up, work."
"That's all? You've been in LA for a while now, right?"
"Yeah." She nodded as she downed another double shot. "It just kind of happened that way."
"Happened?"
"I went back home to North Carolina for a while after things in London- Well, you know." She smiled weakly. "I came back to LA to fix the shit they'd screwed up with your album and-"
"I've been meaning to tell you 'thank you' for that. I just haven't had the chance yet. Continue with your story."
She smiled. "I was trying to take some time apart from Tom. Give him time to think and me some time to think. Of all people, he bailed me out in the middle of the night. It had to be him. I tried to be strong and keep things neutral but my damn appendix had to burst and land me in the hospital, having emergency surgery. Tom was there. He was by my side."
"That just proves that you guys should be together. Anyone can tell he loves you more than anything, Ferryn."
"I know." She smiled thoughtfully. "I just wish he was here right now. I want to have my selfish moment. I want him to just drop everything-"
"You want him to put your first." Blake finished her sentence.
"Today, yes. Any other day, I'd have understood." She shook her head. "I hate myself so much right now."
Blake winced as she downed another double shot and her tears began to flow freely. He understood now why she didn't drink. "You don't have a reason to hate yourself. And seriously, no more alcohol for you." He said as he waved off the bartender.
"Whatever." Ferryn mumbled as he put an arm around her shoulders and she slumped against him.
"When is he coming back?"
"I don't know." She sniffed.
"Maybe you should go home- Or, uh- Back to where you're staying-" He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.
"Tom's."
Blake nodded. "I figured."
Her head was against his shoulder. "He asked me to move in."
"Of course he did, Ferryn. He loves you and you work in LA more than in North Carolina. It fits, just like you guys. You two just fit."
She looked at him through tear-stained eyes. "Look at you. Being all good guy and stuff."
"I try." He jumped when Ferryn's cellphone sounded from her purse. He watched as she retrieved it and stared at it blankly.
"It's Tom."
"Answer it." He said, although he didn't think it was the best idea in her declining condition.
"Yeah?" She said into the device.
"Ferryn? Did I wake you?" Tom said in almost a whisper.
"Naaah." She smacked her lips.
Tom could hear music in the background. "Where are you?"
"Does it matter?" She challenged.
"Ferryn, seriously, where the hell are you?" His voice was lathered in panic.
"Obviously not with you." She spat out and Blake cringed. The conversation was gonna crash and burn if it kept up at this rate. Blake thought about taking the phone from her and hanging it up.
"I told you I was sorry." Tom said with great agitation. He'd just had a day from hell which had ended with an argument with his so-called 'record label'. "Did you go out?"
"I told you I was going to Blake's release party." She sighed loudly.
"Is that where you are?"
She looked at Blake and a wicked smile crept across her face. "Sure."
"Ferryn, where are you? You're scaring me. You don't sound like yourself."
"I can take came of myself, Tom." She giggled at Blake. "We're catching up at the bar."
"You and some friends?"
"Yep. Blake is my friend." She stated breezily.
Blake covered his face with his hands. He could practically see the drama dripping from her lips.
"So you're there with, uh- Just him?" He asked, his voice was laced with hurt.
"Yeah, Tom. I am." Her forehead crinkled. "Excuse me if I didn't feel like being along on my birthday."
Tom thought he'd seen all of Ferryn's moods. Drunk was new to him. "Have you been drinking?"
"Maaaaybe." Her voice sing-songed.
"Why the hell are you doing this? You need to get a cab home now."
"You mean go home to an empty house?" She scoffed. "No, thank you."
"What has gotten into you, Ferryn?" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I said I was sorry. Don't make me get on a fucking plane right now just to make sure you're safe."
She laughed and looked at Blake. "I'm a big girl and I have to go now." She pulled the phone away from her ear and hung it up.
Blake looked at her wide eyed. He never thought he'd see this side of Ferryn. She was wasted. "Okay. I think it's time we go."
"Nooooo." She whined and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She rested her head against him. "I don't want to be alone tonight."
Blake looked down at her. He was torn between wanting to protect a friend and not wanting to get in the middle of their relationship. "You can come home with me then." He whispered against her hair before pressing a soft kiss on her temple. She was crying once again. "Shh, calm down. I've got you." He finally gave in. It was her birthday and he hadn't seen her in forever. Drunk or not, he still wanted to be with her.
They slowly walked toward the exit of the bar in search of a taxi.
-----------------------------
Ferryn opened one eye at a time. Her vision was blurry. She waited for a second, hoping the pounding in her head would go away. Her hands instantly came up to her face in an attempt at preventing the light from the windows to seep through. There was just too much light She tried to think for a second as she did a run down of the events of the night to figure out where she was. "Where the hell am I?"
She rolled onto her side a was faced with an unfamiliar naked back. She vaguely remembered going to Blake's release party the night before, the to the bar with him after. Her throat seemed to close as bits and pieces of the night started pouring back into her mind. "What the hell have I done?
-----------------------------
Ferryn sat up slowly and swallowed the lump in her throat. She fought her gag reflex as she looked out around the hazy room. All she could think about was the constant pounding in her head. She glanced down and was thankful to see she was still fully clothed. They weren't her clothes but she was pretty much covered from head to toe. She looked to her left and could make out the outline of a male form lying beside her. Things began to click into place. That was definitely not Tom and guilt burned her throat as small pictures from the night came flashing back. She remembered going to Blake's release party and being upset that she was alone on her birthday. She remembers going to the bar with Blake and vaguely remembered speaking with Tom. She just wasn't sure how she had gotten to this point.
She choked back a sob and quietly slipped from the bed in search of a bathroom. Once she made it inside and closed the door, her body fell to the floor. She buried her face in her hands and let the tears consume her. The full-length mirror on the back of the door caused her to cringe. She had no clue who the person was staring back at her. "How the hell did I let this happen?" She whispered through her sobs. She felt guilty and angry at herself for letting her emotions get the best of her and trying to soothe herself with alcohol. Every reason she had chosen not to drink came flooding back to her. In all honesty, being in this situation shouldn't have surprised her.
She pulled her hair away from her face as she tried to control it from the sleep and whatever else it had been through. She turned on the sink and wet a washcloth to cool her cheeks. She tried to fix her smudged makeup. A short tapping at the door startled her. "Yeah?"
Blake peaked his head in. "You okay?" He asked sleepily.
She turned to face him. Her eyes were glistening with tears. He stepped through the door and Ferryn noticed he was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. She swallowed hard as guilt overwhelmed her.
"Hey, are you okay?" He asked again as he put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you gonna be sick again?"
She groaned. "Is that why I feel like shit?"
"I'd say so." Blake gave her a half smiled. "Last night was a little rough for you."
Ferryn put the seat down on the toilet and plopped herself down. "What- I mean, did we- What happened?" She stuttered.
"Nothing."
Ferryn looked at him, her face clouded with confusion. "Nothing?"
He scratched the back of his neck. "Are you asking if we had sex?" Ferryn couldn't meet his gaze and he knew that's exactly what she was asking. "No. We didn't." He shook his head. "I have more respect for my friends than to take advantage of them in a drunken state, especially when they're in a committed relationship."
She wasn't expecting that reply. "Oh."
"Oh? Are you surprised?" His voice sounded hurt. "I thought you knew me better than that, Ferryn."
"No, it's not that!" Ferryn quickly defended herself. "I'm just so confused about all of this. This is exactly why I don't drink. This is a huge mess."
"Hey, now." He said as he knelt down in front of her and took one of her hands in his. "You had a rough night. You were upset. It happens. It's no big deal."
"But Tom." She whispered.
"Things will be fine with him, I'm sure. He knew you were hurting."
"He knew?"
Blake rubbed her arm soothingly. "He called last night during your drinking fest. He was pretty worried."
"Shit."
"Don't stress over it. You got drunk, I got us a cab, and we came here." He said softly. "I wasn't gonna leave you alone after you'd been drinking so much."
Ferryn pulled her hands away and ran them over her face. "Was I horrible?"
Blake laughed. "No. You got sick once, right when we got here but that was it. The only reason you were in my bed is because I wanted to keep an eye on you just in case you got sick again."
She looked at him with grateful eyes. "You're a good guy, Blake. Thank you."
"We're friends, Ferryn." He gave her a bright smile. "I love you and I hope you know that."
She wiped her eyes and sighed deeply. "I do now."
He cupped her chin. "Thanks."
She gave him a smile as he stomach swam. "I'm sorry. I feel like shit, I look like shit, and my boyfriend probably hates me right now."
He stood and held out a hand to her. She accepted and he pulled her into a hug as he kisses her forehead. "Forgiven. Now, let's get you some Advil." He pulled her toward the door. "You don't look like shit and I doubt Tom hates you."
Ferryn followed him out of the room. "When did you get so amazing?" She asked as she grabbed her purse and searched for her phone.
"I've always been amazing." Blake said as he pulled on a T-shirt. "You just never took the time to notice."
Ferryn suddenly felt bad. Most of their time together had been spent working. At one time, she thought she could see Blake as a long time friend but he had kissed her which caused a whirlwind of problems for her and Tom. Most of those problems weren't even Blake's fault. "You're right. I'm really sorry." She walked over to him and stood face to face with him. She took a moment to look at his features. He had a day's growth of facial hair dusted over his cheeks. His long eyelashes fanned around his clear green eyes. His lips were a little pouty but not enough to take away from his masculine features.
"Ferryn?" He asked as he waved a hand in front of her face.
"What?" She shook her head as she gathered her thoughts.
"You okay? You zoned out on me."
"Um, yeah. I'm fine. I just- I realized that I didn't give you the credit you deserve." She stammered as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
Blake looked down at the brown hair resting beneath his chin. He was taken aback but graciously accepted the hug. Ferryn smiled as she felt his heart beating against her cheek. She had missed feeling close to someone, feeling loved, cherished. Falling in love with Tom had changed her outlook on everything and love once again seemed to get the best of her. While Blake's arms were strong and loving around her, it wasn't Tom and that's really what she wanted. She cleared her head and pulled away as she smiled up at him.
"Sometimes you're just too much." He said as he tapped her nose. "How about some breakfast? You think you can keep anything down?"
"Ugh." She said as she held her stomach. "No food. Never again. The room only stopped spinning twenty minutes ago."
Blake laughed as he made his way out of the bedroom. "Maybe next time you'll learn that alcohol isn't the best way to deal with your problems."
"Trust me, Captain Obvious. I'm very aware." She said as she shook her head and followed him out of the bedroom. Her phone call to Tom would have to wait.
-----------------------------
Ferryn stepped out of Blake's car and hopped up the few steps in front of the home that Tom shared with his brother Bill. After a long conversation with Blake, Ferryn had realized that she'd fallen so deep into the relationship with Tom, she didn't recognize who she was anymore. They had started off slow. They were friends first and it took a while before she allowed herself to feel anything more for him. Now the beginning seem like a blur. She knew she loved Tom. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone before, even more than Austin. She and Austin had a typical relationship but there was nothing typical or even normal about her relationship with Tom. He was always there when she was here, or he was here while she was there. Ferryn wasn't sure how much longer they could continue like that.
She felt guilty about her night out. She realized Tom had called during her drunken state. He had been worried sick and she'd just been a bitch to him. She realized she wasn't like other girls. She'd built up a wall early in life because of Austin's death. She knew that wall had come in handy when she had met Tom. She wasn't the Hollywood type and had no intentions to be but her music had brought her here and caused them to cross paths. That was something she couldn't look back on and regret but in the end, she was hurting. She was in the industry now, albeit not as deeply as Tom but she knew how things worked. She knew how time consuming it could be and how much of it sucked but that excuse didn't sit well with her considering she had to spend her birthday alone. She knew she was being selfish but she felt as though she had a right to be. Tom had slowly broken down her wall. He proved time and again that he was dedicated to the two of them but the one time she had expected it, he hadn't been there. She hoped the feeling would subside.
Ferryn unlocked the door and quickly punched in the security code to disarm the house. She tossed her purse on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge. She retrieved a bottle of water and took a big gulp. It soothed her mouth which was void of any moisture. Her head was still aching but she didn't even care anymore. Her main goal was to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. She kicked off her heels and signed in relief as her bare feet slapped against the floor. She walked through the house but when she reached the living room, she came to a halt. "Tom?" Her voice came out in a whisper.
He stood from the couch and crossed his arms. He looked haggard with dark circles under his eyes. His eyes were dark. She had only seen them that dark in less than a handful of circumstances but all those circumstances were when he was angry. Very angry. "Where have you been?"
She took a breath before she could speak. "I was out."
"All night?" His voice held an edge.
Ferryn instantly became annoyed. "Yes. I told you where I was last night."
Tom ran a hand over his face. It was obvious he hadn't slept. "Yeah, I remember our phone conversation."
She looked down at the floor. She couldn't look Tom in the eye. Blake had to refresh her memory of that phone call and according to him, she wasn't very polite. "Yeah."
He took a step forward. He wanted to touch her, to huge her and revel in the fact that they were together after he'd been gone so long. This just didn't seem like the right time to do so. If Tom could sense nothing else, he could sense the distance radiating from Ferryn. "Are you okay?"
She looked up, surprised by his compassion. He looked angry enough to break something but his love for her still shone through. She was still feeling selfish though and wasn't ready to cave. "Yeah, I'm fine."
His hand reached out to her but was quickly retracted. "Good."
"What are you doing here?"
He looked at her like she was crazy. "I live here." He spat.
Ferryn rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean." Silence filled the room as time ticked by but she never took her eyes off him.
"I was worried about you."
She felt a small tickle in her heart but it was quickly squashed. "I'm a big girl, Tom."
"You say that too much, Ferryn. You drank, didn't you?" The last sentence was more of a statement than a question. He already knew the answer.
"Yeah. So?" She crossed her arms. "I'm over twenty-one."
He took another step forward. "Why? You and I both know that you don't drink."
She was frozen where she stood. She was trying to predict his next move. Even while itching for a fight, Ferryn still wanted to feel his touch.
Her voice was shaky and barely above a whisper. "I didn't want to be alone."
Tom's eyes were still serious but his hand reached up and cupped the side of her face. His thumb brushed over her cheek. "I'm sorry. I wanted to be here. You have to know that."
Ferryn couldn't move but that didn't keep the shivers that shot through her body. "Yeah. I do." She didn't trust her voice to say anything more.
He stepped a little closer, letting his hand move down to her neck. His fingers traced over her skin as his other hand moved to her hip. He bought his body against hers in a hug. The breath he let out was unsteady. He moved his lips next to her ear, knowing full well how it affected her. "I'm sorry I missed your birthday."
Her anger quickly dissipated and she swallowed as she became a victim to his tenderness. "I know."
"I wanted to be here with you. I wanted to take you out. I wanted to be the one you went to bed with." His lips fluttered against her ear, causing her to gasp. "I wanted to be the one you woke up with."
Ferryn shuttered. She was too caught up in his touch to tell him about what had actually happened with Blake but she knew she had nothing to hide. "I wanted that too."
"But I wasn't, was I?" He asked softly.
"No." Her simple answer neither gave away information nor kept it.
"Who did you wake up with?" He whispered.
Her eyes flickered open. She looked up into his eyes as they bore into her. She could tell he wanted answers. She took a step back and turned her back to him. "Not you."
"Is that why you smell like men's cologne?" He asked casually.
She shook her head. "You can stop where you are, Tom. I did nothing wrong."
"Then tell me where you were last night. Tell me why you hung up on me when I called. Tell me why you had me so worried that I got on the first plane to LA to make sure you were okay. Tell me why I called you a hundred times and you never once picked up your phone, letting me sit here and worry all damn night."
She stared at him wide-eyed. She knew he was tired and that work and being away had been hard on him but she never expected to bear the brunt of his anger. "I was-"
She was interrupted by a knock at the door by the kitchen a few seconds before a voice rang through the house. "Ferryn? Are you in here?" She quickly walked into the kitchen to see Blake standing there, her phone in his hand. "Sorry to barge in. You left your phone in my car. I got down the street and it started beeping like crazy."
She took the phone from his grasp and gave him a small smile. "Thanks."
He could sense her uneasiness. "You okay?"
She nodded but before she could say anything, Tom stepped into the entryway of the kitchen. His jaw was clenched.
"I'm fine." She said quickly. "Just talking to Tom."
Blake looked back at Tom and nodded kindly. Tom gave him a tight nod back and Blake suddenly felt out of place. "Okay. I'll call you later. Call if you need anything." He said as he looked from her to Tom and back.
"Thanks. I will." She said as she watched him walk out the door. When he was gone, the silence was thick and Ferryn counted the seconds before the shit hit the fan. She could almost predict Tom's jealous rage was about to resurface. They'd been in this position before over Blake. She knew how Tom felt about him and she doubted that he was going to change his ways at this point.
"Did you stay with Blake last night?" His voice came out softly, not even an ounce of anger could be detected.
"Yes, I did. Tom, I was drunk off my ass. He wasn't going to let me go home by myself."
He looked surprised by her statement. "Oh."
"And before you ask and go all asshole on me, I did not sleep with him. I'm not stupid."
"Ferryn, I never said-"
She was suddenly angry at him. "No, you didn't say anything yet but I know what you're thinking. You probably think I got drunk and slept with him. It's written all over your face, Tom. Regardless of the past, Blake is a good friend of mine and he's a good guy. We decided to go out and once he found out it was my birthday, he didn't think I needed to be alone. I was upset about you being away so I thought 'to hell with it'. I wanted to forget about the shit I was feeling. Yes, I broke my good girl exterior and I had some drinks. I just wanted to forget, okay? I don't think I committed any crimes."
He stood there bewildered. "Why'd you have to go home with him?"
She threw her arms in the air and continued her rant. "I was drunk. He wanted to keep an eye on me. Would you have rather I come back home by myself and puke my guts out with no one here?"
"No."
"There's your answer. Yes, we slept in the same bed but we were fully clothed. He just wanted to keep an eye on me. According to him. I can't hold my liquor." She watched the emotions run across his face and for once, she couldn't read them.
"I know you'd never sleep with him."
She was shocked. "You do?"
"I'd like to think I know you better than that. We've been here before, Ferryn."
She crossed her arms and tipped her chin up, standing her guard. She was not about to let him win this. "Yes, we have. I don't know what you're so pissed about."
He shook his head. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like a jackass because I couldn't be here for your birthday and that you felt the need to get drunk. I'm sorry I can't be here when you need me all the time, Ferryn. You're in the business too. You know how it goes."
"He's blaming my careless drunken night on himself? Fabulous." Making him feel guilty suddenly didn't feel as good as she had expected it would. She suddenly felt her eyes burn with tears. "I know. It was stupid of me to think this would be any different."
He stepped farther into the kitchen. His eyes were directly on hers. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Ferryn mentally cursed as she felt the hot tears spill down her cheeks. "It doesn't mean anything." She went to brush past him but he stopped her.
"Tell me."
"I just thought this would be different. I don't want to fight. Just forget about it." She moved past him and headed into the bedroom. It almost killed her to see the look on his face when he had noticed she was crying.
"Ferryn, please tell me." He said as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom and watched her search around the bedroom for something clean to wear.
"I'm done fighting, Tom."
"Look at me." He took a step closer, urging her to look at him. "I want to know."
Her eyes were red and it took her a second to see his looked similar. "I just expected you to somehow come back home. I really needed you."
"Damn it, Ferryn. I said I was sorry." He grabbed her arm to keep her still.
She pulled away from his grasp before she could melt into his touch. It would be so easy to forget about everything and give in to him. She knew they'd end up tangled in sheets in minutes but her pride got the best of her. "I know you're sorry, Tom. I just think I need to go home for a while."
His face fell. "This is your home, Ferryn."
"Then I think we need some space."
His anger finally surfaced. "What the fuck, Ferryn? I've been in New York for almost a month now. I think we've had plenty of fucking space."
"Then I think I need time to think about things."
"What is there to think about? Does this have anything to do with Blake? Because all of this is coming from left field for me. I said I was sorry."
She laughed. "Blake didn't do a thing, Tom." Her words dripping with sarcasm.
He scoffed. "So this is my fault? What do you want from me? I asked you to move in with me."
Ferryn choked out a sob and sat hard on the bed before throwing herself down. Everything seemed to be falling apart. She wasn't surprised when she felt Tom's weight on the bed. He kept a distance between them on the bed.
"Ferryn, what's going on here? I'm so confused right now."
"So am I, Tom. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just feeling so much right now. I think I need to go home for a while. Just to get a grip on things and spend some time with my family."
"We can't work things out if we're miles apart."
She shook her head. "I'm sure you have to get back to New York."
His face was deathly serious. "I'll call them and tell them to ax this whole thing. Just say the word."
"I'd never ask you to give up something because of me."
Tom suddenly didn't care about anger or emotions. He just needed to touch her. He reached out and cupped her cheek again, forcing her to look at him. "I'd do it for you, Ferryn. You mean the world to me."
She smiled weakly. "You're a good man, Kaulitz."
He looked down. "I'm just the world's shittiest boyfriend."
Her hand covered his on her cheek. "Stop." She smiled as fresh tears fell from her eyes. Suddenly she remembered he'd be gone again and the work he was doing now would soon turn into promoting and TV appearances and touring. It wasn't such a quick fix. "I think we need this."
"For what, exactly?" He said, still confused.
"So that maybe you can do your thing and I can figure out what I want. Maybe I'm simply homesick. I just don't know anymore."
Tom took a deep breath as his fingertips ran up and down her arm. "This isn't exactly how I picture it."
"Pictured what?"
"Me coming home." Disappointment clouded his face.
"How was all this supposed to go?"
"Well-" He said as he scooted closer. He watched for any sign of objections. When none came, he continued. "I picture you a little more surprised to see me."
"I would have been more excited if I hadn't seen steam coming out of your ears."
Tom shrugged. "I was worried more than anything."
Ferryn felt a little guilty. "Okay. Moving on."
He laughed slightly as he tangled his hand in her hair. "I thought we'd be so happy to see one another that we'd have some 'Welcome home' sex."
She couldn't prevent herself from laughing. "'Welcome home' sex?" At his nod, she pressed her forehead against his. "You seem a little sure of yourself."
He smiled and he laced his fingers with hers. "How'd we end up here? Weren't we just fighting only minutes ago?" Tom asked himself. "I'm not sure of anything with you anymore, Ferryn."
Her eyes dropped. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "By my calculations, I should have gotten a kiss by now but that still hasn't happened."
"You still want one? Even after all this?"
Tom pretended to think. "I'm pretty sure it's all I've thought about since the day I left and it'd take a little more than an argument to make me not want to kiss you."
"Even if I leave?"
His brows came together in thought and Ferryn couldn't remember exactly why she wanted to leave. He looked so serious and sure, so gorgeous. "I think need something to hold me over."
He pretended to think again. She noticed that her focus was on his lips. This isn't how she had expected the fight to go but at the moment, the only thing she could think about was his lips. "Well, if you're gonna put it that way."
Her chin tipped up just enough to meet his lips with hers in a soft kiss. She kept it slow, almost teasing but Tom quickly let her know that it wasn't enough. He took control and leaned into her, lips lingering shortly before even that wasn't enough. His tongue flicked out to brush against the seam of her lips, asking permission. It was easily granted access. He wanted to taste all of her and make up for the time they lost and the time they'd be apart in the future. Their love was never assure and always seemed to pan out in crazy ways. While it held a promise of tomorrow, he wanted her now for the taking.
Tom was pleased to see Ferryn fall into the kiss just as much as he did. Her tongue teased and tasted along with his. As the tension grew, she graciously accepted his weight against her as he rolled them over. His fingers found the hem of her shirt and bunched it up to expose her skin. Her hands tangled in the braids of his hair. He pulled away for a second, gasping for air. "I've missed this."
Ferryn looked up at him through hazy eyes. "Me too."
She was more than surprised as he said, "Don't go."
"Tom-"
"I'm serious, Ferryn. Don't go. Come to New York with me. We'll work everything out."
She looked away from him. Her eyes burned with tears again. For some reason, her decision hadn't changed. "I need to do this, Tom."
His head came down to rest against her chest. "Then go. But know that I love the hell out of you, Ferryn."
She sniffled as she was no longer able to hold back her emotions. They seemed to be up and down, high and low and she still couldn't figure out why. She knew she needed to tell him the one thing she was sure of. "I love the hell out of you, Kaulitz."
He looked up at her and smiled fondly. "I love when you call me that."
"Good."
Tom allowed himself to savor the feeling of Ferryn's warm skin against his. He felt a full range of emotions and he suddenly chucked quietly.
"What?"
"I was just thinking, and don't slap me." He said.
"Okay." Ferryn continued to run her hand up and down Tom's back.
"We could kill three birds with one stone right now. 'Welcome home', 'Make up', and 'See Ya Later' sex."
Despite the tears on her cheeks, Ferryn laughed. "Somebody needs some lovin'."
"It's been a long time." He whined.
"That's why god gave you a hand."
"Ferryn!" Tom whined more. "I don't do that."
She scoffed. "I was born at night, not last night. I'm not dumb."
He laughed. "It's just not the same though."
She smiled up at him and reached for his ears, using them to gently pull his face down so their lips could meet. "I want you too." She knew this was adding fuel to the fire but she wasn't going to deny her body the feel of him, especially if it was going to be the last time. Who knew what would happen once she went back home. Her priorities had seemed to change the second Tom left for New York.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Less talking and more 'Welcome Home', 'Make Up', and 'Goodbye' sex, please."
He pulled away to look at her seriously. "Not goodbye, Ferryn."
She chose not to justify or confirm his comment. She shook her head and reached for his lips again. From there, their clothes melted away and their lips became reacquainted with skin. Nothing but the sounds of whimpers, moans and cries could be heard coming from the bedroom and was was before the love making had began. They made sure to savor everything in the hopes of imprinting the memory; the taste and feel and emotions of one another for the days they'd be apart. When it was all said and done, they lay together amongst the sheets. Their breathing slowly became normal and though they were both caught up in the euphoria of the moment, it didn't prevent the nagging feeling that sat in both Tom's and Ferryn's hearts.
What was going to happen once they both left?
Chapter Five