Lifeline - Chapter Three
Harmony jerked awake with a gasp. She tossed her blanket to the floor and sat up quickly trying to catch her breath as she ran her shaky fingers through her hair and let her eyes adjust to the dark. She reached up slowly and switched on the tiny light above her head. She swung her feet to the floor to stand up but realized her legs were asleep and standing was not an option.
"Harmony?" A voice whispered from the bunk area.
"Yeah?" She whispered back. She hoped she hadn't called out in her sleep and woken everyone up.
"Are you okay?" He whispered.
"Uh, yeah." She coughed lightly and reached for her fallen blanket. There was a sudden thud as bare feet hit the bus floor in the back. The curtains were pulled to the side as Georg stepped out into the little sitting area. "Was I talking in my sleep?" Harmony smiled nervously.
"No, I just heard you moving around and stuff." He said as he leaned on the little kitchen counter. The bus lurched to the side and he balanced himself with his hand on the edge of the sink. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked softly. Harmony averted her eyes and nodded. Her hands were still a little shaky.
"Yeah. I'm, uh- I'm okay."
Georg watched her adjust the blanket and take a few deep breaths. He wasn't convinced. "I talked to Tom tonight." He said softly.
"Yeah?" Harmony looked over her shoulder at him and tried to smile. She just hoped he'd just go back to bed.
"Yeah." Georg nodded and watched the back of her head. "I don't know if I changed his mind or anything but I think he'll be a little nicer."
"It's okay." Harmony shrugged and forced a tight laugh.
"You sure you're okay?" Georg asked.
"Yeah." Harmony said after a slight pause. "I just had a bad dream. I'm okay."
"Do you want me to hang out with you for a minute?" Georg stifled a yawn and ran his fingers through his hair.
"No, you don't have to." Harmony shook her head and hoped she'd be able to go back to sleep without having another nightmare.
"I don't mind." Georg made his way toward the front of the bus and dropped himself into one of the chairs opposite Harmony on the couch. "My mom always said if you tell someone your scary dream it won't come back."
Harmony stared at him for a minute. She debated whether or not she felt she could trust him even with this little bit of information. "It's stupid. I had a dream that I killed someone. It freaked me out. And then waking up in a weird place, you know." She laughed nervously and pulled the blanket up to her chin.
"Was it Gustav?" Georg asked with a sly smile.
"No." Harmony laughed and shook her head. "No, it wasn't Gustav. It wasn't anyone I knew. It was a faceless person."
"Oh." Georg nodded. "That faceless person gets in the way a lot, huh?"
"Yep." Harmony sighed and reached up to click the light off. "Thanks, Georg." She whispered.
"You're welcome." She heard him stand up and head toward the back of the bus. He stopped with his hand on the curtain and looked down at his feet. "Thanks for coming out to help Bill."
"Anytime." Harmony said softly. Georg stood where he was for a second before he sighed and pulled himself up onto his bunk. The bus rocked quietly again and the two new friends fell back asleep almost instantly.
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Harmony was the first one awake in the morning. She cleaned up her little sleeping area and tried to tame her hair as well as she could in her reflection in the window. She straightened out her clothes and pulled a magazine out of the pile. She began to read all about some guy who survived a train wreck.
Gustav was the first one up but he didn't even notice Harmony sitting there as he pulled a box of crackers out of the cupboard and sat at the little table with a Coke. As he opened the box, the back area became alive with the sounds of young men waking up. Two consecutive thumps as they hopped out of bed. Grunts and yawns, mumbled words and drawers opening and closing.
"Gustav, where's the dog?" A scratchy voice asked from the back.
"What dog?" Gustav asked as he took a cracker out of the box.
"Scottie."
"He's at home with your mom." Gustav smiled. "He didn't come on tour with us this time."
"He wasn't here last night?" The voice asked again.
"Tom's been hittin' the crack pipe again." A second voice said from the back.
"Seriously? He's not here?" Tom asked.
"I just told you he wasn't." Gustav laughed and shook his head.
"Damn. Weird." Tom said as he came out to the little kitchen area. "What're you eating?" He fell into the seat across from Gustav.
"Ritz crackers." Gustav crunched a cracker and turned the box around to read the back.
"For breakfast?"
"Yes." Gustav said distractedly.
"Is Harmony up?" Bill asked from the back.
"Huh?" Tom asked.
"Harmony." Bill repeated.
"What's he talking about?" Tom asked Gustav with a confused look.
"Harmony." Gustav nodded toward the couch. Harmony looked up at the sound of her name and gave them a little half smile.
"Oh yeah." Tom grumbled as he reached for the box of crackers.
"I'm up." She said loud enough to be heard by Bill in the back.
"Why do they tell you what you can put on crackers?" Gustav asked as he held one in front of him. "I buy the crackers because I like crackers. Not because I want an edible plate."
"What?" Tom asked. Harmony laughed to herself. Tom apparently wasn't awake until after he ate something.
Bill followed Georg out of the little area and stood in the tiny kitchen area pulling bagels and cereal out of the cabinets. It was general morning chaos for a few minutes before they settled into their usual positions and ate breakfast while chatting about the day.
Harmony sat quietly off to the side being the casual and almost unnoticed observer.
"What time do we get there?" Gustav asked as he crammed another cracker in his mouth.
"Two thirty." Bill mumbled.
"Two thirty?" Georg asked. "I thought we were almost there."
"What are you talking about?" Tom asked.
"I asked when we were gonna get there. Where we're going." Gustav explained.
"To the arena?" Bill asked.
"No, to the hotel." Gustav rolled his eyes. "I know we get to the arena at two thirty. That's the same every day."
"We check in around eleven." Georg said softly. He took a bite of his apple and chewed slowly. "What time is it?"
"Six thirty." Tom mumbled.
"In Texas maybe." Gustav laughed, "It's seven thirty here."
"Where's here?" Bill asked.
"Allentown." Harmony said softly as she watched the city sign fly by.
"Where's that?" Tom asked without looking up from his bowl.
"About forty minutes from East Brunswick, a little more than an hour from New York City. Is that where we're headed?" Harmony turned to face the others in the kitchen area.
Bill smiled and shook his head as he stirred his cereal. "You scare me. You're like a human GPS."
"It's Bill with boobs." Gustav laughed and twisted the end of the cracker sleeve before he tucked it back into the box. The others laughed lightly before they concentrated back on their breakfast.
"Yeah, we're going to NYC. We have two shows there." Georg stood up to throw his trash away. "Have you ever been there?"
"Yeah, a few times. My parents love New York so we came up here a few times." Harmony nodded and ran her fingers through her hair. "Does someone know where my bag ended up?" She stood up and balanced herself with the back of the little couch as she walked toward the kitchen.
"An orange and black backpack?" Bill stood up and threw his paper bowl in the trash.
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and looked at the others nervously.
"It's in the back. Past the bunks where it kinda looks like a closet. It's on the right on top of my footlocker." Bill pointed toward the back and sat at the table as Harmony squeezed by. She found her bag just where he'd said it would be. She took a few minutes to brush her hair and put her deodorant on. She changed her shirt and ducked into the tiny bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.
When she emerged a few minutes later the guys had sprawled themselves out on the couches and floor while Gustav and Georg were in a heated battle. They each held a controller and vigorously tried to out race the other one on the TV screen.
Bill smiled up at Harmony. "Mandatory video games in the morning."
"Ahh." Harmony nodded and stood near the back with crossed arms. She watched quietly as the four men played around and got themselves ready for the day. They seemed so normal playing video games, kidding around, poking each other, laughing and carrying on like any other group of twenty something year old guys.
When she looked closer she could tell they were anything but normal. They were on a cramped bus. They all had bags under their tired eyes and they sat low in their chairs or on the floor. They were getting close to the hotel and didn't want to be seen. They tried so hard to be average that it was painfully obvious they never could be.
With that tiny glimpse into their lives, Harmony understood much more of what Bill was going through and why he was actually reading her journal. It was his link to normalcy. Just having that tie with the real world was helping Bill. She didn't have to actually do much.
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Harmony took this realization with her as they spent the rest of the day running around doing different photoshoot and interviews, and the evening at the arena. Harmony stood by the side of the stage again for the show. She felt exhausted just watching them perform and run around out there. They went back to the hotel and collapsed onto their own beds. They didn't move a muscle until they were awakened the next morning to get their day started. Harmony joined them as they went to a radio station to do a short interview and take some calls from fans.
"You know what?" Harmony asked as she dropped her bag by the closet door that afternoon. They were back at the hotel for an hour break before they had to go back to the arena for the show that night.
Bill flopped face first onto the bed and sighed. "What?"
"Are you tired?" Harmony asked.
"No. I just like to be flat." Bill laughed and turned his head to face her. "Do I know what?"
"You guys need a day off."
"No shit. Squared." Bill laughed and scooted to the end of the bed to pull the heavy drapes open. "Why do you think we need a day off? Aside from the fact that we're all basically insane."
"You guys need to be normal." Harmony said. She was met with silence and realized that may have come out wrong. "I just mean that you guys try so hard to be normal but you can't. Not while you're cramped up on a bus or dodging fans or whatever."
"That's the life we've chosen though."
"I can see where all your stress comes from. I mean, damn, Bill. You think you have all of that on your shoulders? I can see why you're having a hard time."
"We get days off every now and then."
"When was the last time you went to a park?" Harmony asked quickly.
Bill thought for a minute and said. "When we all went for lunch that one time." He paused as she shook her head. "But parks aren't high on our how to spend a day off list."
"When was the last time you actually went somewhere just to go? Like the movies, the mall, a football game?"
"Harmony, we can't just go to places like that. We have to take our security team with us and that just draws more attention which turns our so-called 'day off' into a media event."
"Bullshit, Bill. You could do it."
"We've tried." Bill shook his head.
"Well, that's what you need." Harmony crossed her arms over her chest. "A smack of reality."
"You think I need a smack?" Bill smiled slyly.
"I think it would do you some good." She laughed lightly.
"Well then smack me with reality." Bill pointed his cheek at her and she seriously thought about smacking him. "Smack me with a baseball game. I'd love to get out of here. Just clear it with our PR person, management and security team first."
"You think I'm kidding."
"No, I think you're serious. I just think the chances of that happening are slim to none."
Harmony sighed and shoved her hands in her pockets. "How do you feel today?" She changed the subject quickly.
"Fine."
"In more than one word?"
"I feel good." Bill nodded. "Better than before." He cleared his throat and kicked his shoes off. "Just knowing you were nearby has made a difference these last few nights."
"Really?" Harmony smiled and blushed. She turned away before he could notice the change in her cheeks.
"Yeah. I don't know. It kinda felt like I could keep an eye on you too. Does that make sense? It was like, you were there to watch out for me but, at the same time, I could watch out for you."
"Awww. Thanks, Dad." Harmony laughed then covered her mouth. "Shit. My parents."
"You haven't called them?"
"No." Harmony shook her head and sprung across the room to grab the phone.
"I thought you would have called them when you called Dr. Mueller."
Harmony laughed and shook her head as she dialed. "Noo, I guess I have my priorities all fucked up, huh?" She waited as her parents phone rang back home in North Carolina. She left a short message on their answering machine. "So what's up for the rest of the day?" Harmony sat on the bed by Bill's feet.
"We get to relax for about another hour. Then it's off to the arena for everything there. Same as yesterday."
"Okay." She nodded. "So you're feeling pretty okay?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded and rolled onto his side to look at her.
"Okay." She concentrated on the pattern of the bedspread and pulled at a stray string.
"What?"
"Well, if you're doing good, I- Maybe I should go on back home, you know? You can call if you need anything." She said softly.
"Y- You want to go home?" Bill frowned.
"Well, if you're doing better-" Harmony waved her hand but kept her eyes on the bedspread. If he didn't need her around she'd be better off going home to her job.
"Well, I- " Bill stopped and thought for a minute. He didn't want her to leave. He was doing well because she was there. If she wanted to leave, he didn't want to keep her here. "If you want to leave, you can go anytime you want. We can get you back to Richmond to get your car or whatever."
"It's not that I want to leave." Harmony shook her head, "But I have my job and stuff. And if you're doing better then maybe I should go back."
"Okay." Bill nodded and blushed.
"Okay?" Harmony asked. It was the answer she wanted and the answer she didn't want. She wanted to get back to her new job, to keep some stability in her life, but she liked the feeling that she was needed as well.
"Yeah. I can talk to our guys about getting you home tomorrow." Bill rested his chin on his hands and frowned.
They sat in silence for the next hour until Bill had to be escorted to the arena for the sound check and everything else that came with the show. Harmony tried to stay quiet and out of the way at the arena. She basically stayed wherever they sat her. She didn't want to be in the way but she didn't know where else to go. She sat in the cafeteria and watched as dozens of crew workers came in and out throughout the afternoon.
They guys showed up for a quick dinner before they had to go finish getting ready for the show. "I talked to Benjamin. He said to talk to him in the morning about getting you back to Richmond. It's going to be hectic tonight so I'll call down in the morning, okay?" Bill asked as he took the last bite of his onion ring.
"Yeah." Harmony nodded as he took off out the door only a few steps behind the others.
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Harmony stood up and sighed. She wished she had a book or a magazine. Anything to help kill her boredom. She figured that the guys might have something in their dressing room or they may know where she could find something to read so she stepped out into the hall and nervously looked around. She saw no one around so she followed the directions on the sign taped to the wall. "Stage and Exit to the right. Dressing rooms and Meet and Greet to the left." There were times listed under the directions so she checked her watch and sighed. They were doing their meet and greet at the moment and couldn't be interrupted.
Harmony moped around backstage for a few minutes with a bag of chips in one hand and a diet Dr. Pepper in the other. If she kept on eating this way she'd put on 10 pounds before the end of the week. She cringed internally as the guys powered down french fries and ice cream but then watched in awe as they burned off those calories and more every night on stage.
"Hey, Harmony." Gustav said as he walked down the hall toward her. He wiped his damp hands on the front of his jeans and smiled.
"Hey." She said cautiously as she turned around. She turned the top of her chip bag over and tucked it under her arm.
Gustav smiled and straightened his shirt. "I just got a few new DVDs if you wanna check them out while we're doing the show. I'm sure it's boring as hell back here."
"It's okay if I go out to the bus?" She asked.
"Yeah, that's cool." Gustav said. "You mean you've spent the last two nights back here?"
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and smiled quickly.
"Go on out to the bus. At least you can put on your pajamas or whatever and relax." Gustav shook his head. "I just got The Matrix, Jurassic Park and The Sixth Sense if you want to watch something tonight. They're on my bunk in the shopping bag."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." He nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'm, uh- I'm sorry if we were kind of rude to you. Before I mean."
"Thank you." She nodded and met his eye.
"So he's doing okay, right?" Gustav asked softly.
"You can ask him you know." Harmony smiled. "I think he'd like it if you would."
"Yeah." Gustav nodded. "I guess I could."
Harmony smiled back and opened her bag of chips. "I think I'll take you up on your offer. I haven't seen The Sixth Sense so maybe I'll go watch that."
"I'll see you later then."
"Okay. Can you let Bill know I'm out on the bus? He gets worried if he can't find me sometimes. Like I'm a kid or something."
"I'll let him know." Gustav laughed and waved as she turned to walk down the hall toward the exit.
"Thanks." She waved over her shoulder. She was used to it all by now. No one left the arena from the backstage area without at least one of the security team knowing about it. She flashed her badge at the guy by the door and waved at the security guard standing just outside. She made her way to the tour bus followed by a wave of screams coming from the mass of fans standing around outside the arena. The concert didn't start for at least an hour and they were already lined up around the building.
Harmony hung out on the quiet bus and took an hour to try to figure out how to work the DVD player. She could get it to play but the picture wouldn't show up on the TV. She debated just listening to the movie but got frustrated and all but tore the machine apart trying to figure out how to get it to work. Exasperated she pressed all the buttons on the front of the remote control thinking one of them may be the magic button. With a flash the screen came to life with Bruce Willis' face smiling into the camera. "I win this time sucker." Harmony said to the remote and fell back onto the couch. She watched the movie curled up in the corner with her blanket and a bag of microwave popcorn.
When the guys returned after the show that night the bus was already started and ready to go. They barely had the door shut when the bus lurched forward and they were on their way. "Can I sleep for three days now?" Gustav asked as he walked straight back to the bunks and pulled himself onto his bed.
"Me first." Tom followed him as his eyes drooped closed.
"Three whole days?" Georg asked. "I'm in." He yawned and said goodnight to Harmony before he disappeared behind the curtain.
"Do we really get three days?" Tom yawned and pulled his shirt over his head.
"Ha! No." Bill shook his head. "We get to do this again tomorrow."
"Ugh! Shut up, Bill." Georg shouted from the back. The others laughed and shouted their sentiments up to Bill. "Let us believe what we want! Don't rain on our parade."
Bill laughed and shook his head. He looked truly happy as he turned to Harmony. "Did you have a good night?"
"Yeah." She nodded as a feeling of sadness washed over her. She'd be going home the next day which was a good thing. That meant Bill was doing better. But she felt like she was just breaking ground with the other guys. They still had a way to go. "Don't bite off more than you can chew." Dr. Mueller's words echoed in her mind as she sighed again. "Hey Bill?" Harmony asked. She had intended to see if she could stay a while longer with them.
"Yeah?" He continued to smile as he pulled his T-shirt off and tossed it toward the couch.
Harmony blushed and looked down quickly. "Nothing. Nevermind. G'night."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah." Harmony looked up and kept her eyes on his. "I'm sure."
"Okay." He yawned and scratched his stomach near his star tattoo. "I'll see you in the morning. We'll actually be getting there before dawn so we'll have a real breakfast inside. With real food. Yum." He laughed lightly and turned to go to his bed. The bus turned quickly and reached out his hand to balance himself as he chuckled again.
"Okay." Harmony nodded and pulled her blanket out from the storage area. She kicked her shoes off as she sat on the couch and unfolded the blanket. Gustav cut the lights off then headed to bed after saying good night to Harmony.
She lay awake for a while. She stared at the ceiling and thought about going home. She hoped that Bill would be okay when she left but she wasn't sure. If he was that would be great for him. That would mean that he was well on his way to coping with this himself and with the other guys. But at the same time that would mean that Harmony wouldn't get to be a part of his healing. Not really anyway. She'd still be his phone support if and when he needed it but it would be different. She selfishly wanted him to not be okay so that she could stay and feel needed.
"That's real nice." She whispered to herself with a frown. "Some friend you are." She pulled the blanket up to her chin and brought her knees up to her chest. "Is it so wrong to want to feel needed? But this isn't about what I want." She reminded herself. Harmony gave up her internal argument and resigned to figure it out in the morning before Bill called to have her sent home.
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Bill tossed and turned for a while. He was unable to find a comfortable position to fall asleep. He took Harmony's journal out and flipped it open to the marked page and turned the tiny light on with his free hand. Diving into Harmony's daily life usually made him feel more peaceful and helped him fall asleep. This time he just couldn't get comfortable enough to sit still and read.
He sighed and dropped his bare legs over the side of his bunk and hopped down with the small notebook in his hand. He let his eyes adjust to the semi-darkness and made his way out to the front of the bus where Harmony was asleep. He turned on one of the small lights and sat on the far end of the couch. He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees as he opened the little book and flipped forward a few pages to find where he'd left off.
Harmony remained curled up in a little ball on the other end of the couch. She was tucked snugly under the blanket as Bill glanced over every now and then between journal entries.
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Dear Bill,
Monday 9:12 pm
Okay. This is weird. Remember Cassey? The chick from Ahoskie Behavioral? She called me yesterday out of nowhere. I guess we kinda started talking during my last week or so at Ahoskie Behavioral. It turns out she loves Ray LaMontagne as much as I do. Whoda thunk it, huh? Anyway, I guess we're going to the movies this weekend to celebrate her 2 months out and my 5 months out. I guess while I'm there I can celebrate your 6 months out, right? Five months. Can you believe it? That sounds like a long time but it's really not. I've been out now longer than I was in but it just doesn't feel like it.
I tried to call your cell phone to wish you happy anniversary a few days ago on the actual day but it said it's been disconnected. I hope you're okay. I hope you call soon. I hope you haven't ditched me! I know I'm loopy in the head but cut me some slack here!
- Harmony
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Bill smiled and turned the page over as he yawned softly. He could hear Harmony's voice as he read the entries and little by little he felt more and more tired. He always felt sort of invasive about reading her journal but at the same time he felt like he was with her on her journey to where she was now. He couldn't physically be there with her as it happened. This was his way of knowing what was going on with her. He could relate to many of her entries because he was feeling much of the same things now. Even little things like being unsure if he was ready to be out. He wondered if he would ever be back to normal and what exactly normal was.
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Dear Bill,
Friday 11:45 pm
Okay the weirdness this week must be at an all time high. I swear, this is one of those weeks when you sit back and go, "What fucking planet am I on?" I was at Ahoskie Behavioral doing the counseling thing and one of the girls (I can't use names, you know how that goes.) She said that music always makes her feel better and so Dr. Mueller asked if she had any that she'd like to share with the group. She did (This girl loves to share. It's almost annoying.) So anyways, she runs to her room and gets this CD and Dr. Mueller plays it for the group and just about everyone was crying when it played. I'll be honest, I was getting a little misty eyed too but I think I'm just PMSing. Anyways, you'll never guess who sings the song. That's right. You and your little buddies. It's from the Alice In Wonderland soundtrack and I'm not sure what it's called but it's awesome.
So that's kinda become the anthem here. You know, kinda how we all feel strange and absurd and everyone is trying to fix us. So what do you know? You guys are hitting the psycho ward's top ten lists. Hahaha.
Wow. I just looked back and I haven't written in here in a couple weeks. Sorry about that. Cassey and I are actually becoming (You might wanna sit down here, Mr. Bill book man) friends. I know, I know. How weird is that? I have a friend. Friends. Weird. I can't quite understand it myself. But it's kind of fun. We go to the movies and to the mall. Trivial stuff like that. She has her own apartment so I go over there a lot. Anything to get out of my parents' house. They're nuts. Really. I now believe that this is hereditary and they passed it on to me. But I'm not even gonna go there.
- Harmony
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Bill smiled and yawned. "One more page and I'll go back to bed." He turned the page and rubbed his eyes slowly as he read the first line. Bill felt his blood run cold as his heart skipped a beat. He re-read the single line slowly.
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Dear Bill,
Thursday 6:15 am
Jonas killed himself last night. Fuck.
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The entry sent chills up his spine and he felt like he was spinning in some alternate reality. He glanced up quickly at Harmony asleep on the other end of the couch and reached to touch her. He lay his hand on her ankle and squeezed lightly. He just wanted to feel her there. To know she was real and okay.
"You okay?" She whispered as she cracked her eyes open.
"Yeah." He whispered with a slight nod.
"No. What's wrong?" She pushed herself into a sitting position and frowned at him. He held her journal in his lap and ran his finger up and down the spiral binding. "What? What did you just read?" She reached to take the book from him but he moved it out of her reach.
"What went wrong? Am I turning out like Jonas? What's stopping me from doing what he did?" He asked softly.
"Bill-" Harmony covered his hand with her own on the smooth top of her notebook. "You're stronger than that. Look at you. You've been doing great. You've been out for a year. For more than a year."
"Yeah, but look at me." He held his arm out and sighed.
"That's not the same thing." She shook her head slowly. "You know what's stopping you from doing what he did? You are Bill. You're stopping yourself. That's not what you want to do. If that was what you wanted to do you would have done it a long time ago. Cutting yourself isn't attempting suicide. It involves other stuff. Getting rid of the pain or proving your human or another of a dozen things. You're stronger than that." Harmony said again.
"What if I'm not?" He whispered.
"You are." She leaned down and got in his line of sight so that their eyes met. "You are." She smiled to reassure him. "And when you can't be, you have me and Georg and Tom and Gustav."
"Harmony, how do you do this? I mean, how did you get better?"
"I'm still getting better, Bill. I'm not done." She shook her head. "I have Dr. Mueller to help and Cassey now and you, of course."
"But I haven't been around for you lately. I mean before North Carolina I hadn't talked to you in a few months." He looked down and shook his head sadly.
"But I knew that if I ever really needed you, you'd be there."
"Would you ever ask though? You took that handful of pills again and I never even knew. What if I could have helped like you're helping me now?"
"I had Dr. Mueller. You don't have anyone like that who knows just how you're feeling and just what you're going through. That's why you want me here. If I didn't have Dr. Mueller there with me then, you would have been who I called."
"Really?" He asked a minute later.
"Really." Harmony nodded and gently patted his hand. They sat in silence for a minute before they heard someone yawn and climb out of their bunk. They apparently lost their balance as they hit the floor.
Bill looked toward the bunks as Tom appeared from behind the curtain rubbing his butt from where he'd just fallen. He hiked up his boxer and covered his mouth as he yawned and scratched at his bare stomach. He had the refrigerator open before he noticed Bill and Harmony sitting on the couch. "Hey." He nodded in their direction and took an apple out of the drawer as if nothing was out of the ordinary. As he went close the door he stopped and frowned. He looked back over at Bill and Harmony. "Is everything okay?" Tom stopped the apple halfway to his mouth.
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and looked from Tom to Bill. Bill nodded slowly and took a deep breath.
"Actually-" Bill looked up at Tom and frowned. He cleared his throat and continued in a soft voice. "Tonight I started to feel like I was slipping."
"What happened?" Tom asked as he crossed the narrow bus in two steps.
"Nothing happened. I just-" Bill shook his head slowly and held eye contact with his brother as Tom knelt beside the couch.
"What's up?" Tom said.
"Jonas killed himself." Bill said softly.
"What?" Tom asked as the blood drained from his face. He wasn't awake enough to register everything that was said. "Tonight? Who's Jonas?"
"No, a couple months ago. Jonas was a guy that was with us in Ahoskie Behavioral." Harmony explained softly.
"And you just told him now?" Tom asked as he cast Harmony and accusing glance.
"No, I told him when I saw him in Greensboro." Harmony kept her cool under his burning gaze. "But he just read it in my journal and with everything else that's happened-"
Bill cut Harmony off mid-sentence, "It made me start thinking."
"About what?" Tom asked quickly. He hoped to pin the blame of something on Harmony.
"About how I'm not much different than Jonas." Bill shook his head. "I'm not 100% yet, Tom."
"No one's 100%, Bill. You're totally different than this guy. You're still here."
"No, I know." Bill nodded. "I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger than him. And I have you guys and Harmony."
"Of course you do." Tom nodded and looked at Harmony quickly. "You'll always have us."
"I know." Bill smiled slowly.
"So you're okay now?" Tom smiled and stood up. He thought that if that's all Bill needed every now and then he could do that. Harmony could pack up her little backpack and head on home.
Bill coughed gently and nodded "Yeah, I'm okay."
"Cool." Tom yawned and headed back toward the bunks. He drew the curtain closed and climbed onto his bunk. He listened as Harmony began to talk.
"See? When you can't be the strong one, you have all this support around you." She smiled.
"I know." Bill nodded.
"I'm proud of you. Do you see what you just did?"
"What?"
"You talked to Tom. You said he'd be the hardest one and you did it. You sat right here and told him you weren't okay." Harmony squeezed Bill's hand and smiled.
"Whoa." Bill's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I did." He laughed nervously. "Wow. I didn't even realize it."
"This'll be a piece of cake for you." Harmony smiled and covered her mouth as she yawned.
"As long as you're here." Bill added softly. "I'll let you go back to bed now. I think I've read enough for one night."
"Okay." Harmony smiled and sunk down into the blanket on the couch. Bill reached up and switched the tiny light off and waited for a minute as his eyes adjusted. He stood for a moment without moving. He slowly leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "G'night, Harmony. Thanks."
"You're welcome." She sighed and smiled. "G'night."
Tom listened from his bed and blushed slightly. He'd been blaming Harmony for everything and in just a few sentences he saw that she was actually helping him. Tom knew she didn't particularly care for him but she put that aside and focused on Bill when he needed her. She was turning out to be a better friend to Bill than the rest of them. Bill was right. She was what he needed.
-----------------------------
"As long as you're here." The words danced through Harmony's mind as she slowly woke up the next morning. She rolled over and was surprised that she actually had room to roll over onto. Way more room than the couch had offered.
Harmony gently opened her eyes and frowned. She was in a pale green hotel room that she had no memory of. She gasped and sat up quickly. "Bill?" She asked as she flung her feet over the side. "He's gone to talk to the guy about sending me home." She thought frantically. "Bill!?" She asked again as she stood up quickly.
"Yeah?" He poked his head out of the bathroom. His hair was dripping water onto the floor and he had his toothbrush in his mouth. "Sorry, was I being loud?"
"No." She gave a deep sigh of relief. "No. I just didn't know where I was for a second there."
"Yeah, you were pretty exhausted when we came up this morning." He smiled and shut the door halfway before he continued to brush his teeth.
"When did we get here?"
"About four in the morning." Bill spit in the sink and rinsed his mouth. "You walked up here on your own but I think you were technically still sleeping. You kept saying you could find the room by yourself." He laughed lightly and reached for the small towel to run it over his hair.
"Great. Did I say anything incriminating?"
"I don't know. Do you really have an iguana named Fred that you like to have tea parties with?" Bill looked serious for a second. He couldn't hold back his laughter long though.
"I didn't say that." She smiled and shook her head.
"No, you didn't." Bill wiped his face off and stepped out into the room in his towel. "So I, um- I'm gonna go talk to Benjamin."
"Benjamin?" Harmony's pulse quickened. She knew exactly who Benjamin was.
"Yeah, to let him know you'll be leaving today." Bill concentrated on lacing his shoes as he sat at the foot of his bed.
"Maybe-" She paused for a second and ran her fingers through her hair. She tried to think of a way to word what she had to say. "Maybe I shouldn't go." She said softly.
"I'll be okay." Bill forced the words from his lips. He didn't want her to leave but she needed to get back to her job. He didn't want her to lose it, not when she'd worked so hard to get back on her feet.
"But last night, I mean-"
"No, I was okay last night." Bill said softly. He looked up and gave her a quick smile. "You need to get home to your job and stuff."
Harmony nodded slowly and cleared her throat as tears rose in her eyes. She didn't want to cry in front of Bill but out of nowhere she felt a type of sad she had never felt before. She wasn't hurt or angry or let down. She felt sad because she was going to miss someone. Bill.
"So I'll go talk to Benjamin and get you a flight down to Richmond to get your car."
"I'm worried, Bill." Harmony said softly as the bedspread in front of her became blurred with tears.
"About what?" He tried to laugh but instead it came out as a small cough.
"I'm scared that if I leave you'll- I don't know. Slip again." She shrugged and sniffed back her tears.
"I'm not going to cut myself again." Bill said. He tried his best to sound convincing.
"I know." She spoke almost too quickly.
"I'm not."
"I know, Bill." She said a little slower. "But I'm just worried that this is all so stressful, and I've been here for a few days and I can see that this is crazy for you. I don't want anything to happen to you. And then last night you said you were okay as long as I was here. That just made me think that you thought that if I left you may not be okay."
"Harmony, I just-" Bill moved over and sat beside her on her bed. "I don't want to make you stay if you want to go back."
"And I don't want to leave if you want me to stay." Harmony explained.
They sat in silence for a minute. They both wanted the same thing but neither of them said a word. "Let's make a deal." Bill lay his hand on Harmony's bare knee. "Let's just say what we want and forget everything else."
"You mean be honest?" She smiled slowly.
"Yeah." Bill laughed softly and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "I don't want you to go yet." He whispered. "I think I'll be okay but I'm not sure yet."
Harmony nodded beside him and wiped at her eyes quickly. "I want to stay and make sure you're really okay." She whispered.
"Okay good. So we agree." Bill smiled and squeezed her knee quickly. "From now on let's just say it."
"Okay." She brushed her hand across her eyes again and breathed a shaky sigh of relief. "But it's not because I don't think you're okay." She added quickly.
"I know." Bill smiled and resisted the temptation to wipe the tear off her cheek. "So you'll stay?"
"Yeah." Harmony nodded.
"But what about your job?"
"I have some vacation time." Harmony waved the question off. "I'll call them this morning."
"Okay." Bill nodded.
"We should also call Dr. Mueller and let her know that I won't be back. Right away, I mean."
"Okay." Bill nodded again and reached for the phone, "Go ahead and make your calls. I'm going to finish getting ready."
"Where are you going?"
"Benjamin called the psychiatrist back in and he's going to meet with me this afternoon." Bill shrugged. "Benjamin want to talk with me this morning before we have to go to our shoot."
"Okay." Harmony fidgeted with her hair tie in her hand and looked up at Bill. "So what about me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you're going off to your meeting, then a shoot, then whatever else you guys have to do today. Where do you want me?"
"You can come with us." Bill shrugged.
"To your meeting?"
"Well no." Bill shook his head and dug in his suitcase for his sweatpants and a T-shirt. He took his small pile of clothes back into the bathroom and left the door ajar as he got dressed. "My thing this morning won't take long. You can hang out here and shower or get breakfast down the hall or whatever. If you want you can come with us to the shoot. That might be fun. Free donuts and there are more people there for you to talk to." He laughed lightly and pulled his shirt over his head.
"Okay." Harmony yawned and ran her fingers through her tangled hair again. "I could definitely use a shower." She mumbled to herself as she picked up the phone and dialed Dr. Mueller's number. Harmony filled the doctor in on their progress and let her know that she would be staying with Bill for a little while longer.
Dr. Mueller expressed her concern at Harmony staying but then sounded relieved when Harmony mentioned that the psychiatrist was coming to see Bill that afternoon. Bill stepped out of the bathroom a minute later dressed casually and ready to go, "I shouldn't be that long. I'll track you down when we're ready to leave." Bill grabbed his cell phone jacket off the nightstand and clipped it onto the elastic waist of his pants as he tried not to yawn again.
"Okay." Harmony said softly.
"Just don't leave the floor." Bill smiled and shook his finger playfully at her.
"I won't." She shook her head and stood up to head for the bathroom.
"I'll see you in a few." He paused at the door as if he was making up his mind about something. She smiled at him for a second then laughed at his confused expression. "Uh- Okay. Bye." He said quickly. He turned around and shut the door behind him.
Harmony laughed to herself and started the shower. She knew once she got herself cleaned up she'd be ready to face the others.
A half hour later Harmony peeked her head out of the hotel room and into the hall. She didn't see anyone around and she wasn't entirely sure where she was supposed to go. Bill had said something about there being breakfast down the hall but he'd failed to mention where.
She took a deep breath and double-checked her pockets for her laminated pass and the room key. They were both in her back pocket so she shut the door quietly and stood in the hall hoping that someone she knew would show up.
A minute later a door opened on the far end of the hall and startled Harmony as she leaned against the wall. She turned slowly to see Gustav. "Hey Gustav." She smiled. "Do you know where the breakfast room is? Bill told me I co-"
"314. End of the hall." He cut her off. He didn't even glance her way as he continued down the hall and knocked on a door by the elevators.
"Okay." Harmony raised her eyebrows and sighed. "Thanks." She added mostly to herself. She twirled the thin silver ring around on her finger as she walked toward the room. The smell of bacon let her know she was headed in the right direction.
"Hey Harmony." Georg waved his fork in her direction as she walked in. He balanced his plate on his knees as he sat on the floor against the wall. "Grab some food. I'll save you a seat on the floor." He laughed and took a bite of his danish. "Just don't get the eggs." Georg crinkled his nose and frowned as he chewed.
"I'll be sure to avoid them." Harmony laughed and chose a blueberry bagel and cream cheese. She fell onto the floor beside Georg. "You know, there's a table in your room you could sit at."
"I know. But then I wouldn't be able to mingle with the morning people." Georg paused between bites to look around at the almost empty room.
Harmony followed his gaze and smiled. "They're a rowdy bunch." She said softly.
"Uh huh." Georg took another bite of his breakfast then wiped his mouth. "I should've just ate in my room."
"Ahh but then you'd miss breakfast with me." Harmony took a bite of her bagel and smiled.
"True." Georg nodded. "So how are things?"
"They're okay." She nodded and examined her bagel. "I saw Gustav in the hall. I suppose he's still not okay with me being here."
"I told him he should be nice to you." Georg laughed lightly. "I just think that if you're here to help Bill, that's cool with me."
"I wish Tom and Gustav would see it that way. They seem very stubborn. I've even talked to them and still-" She shrugged. "Nothing."
"Yeah, I'll agree with you. But give em some time. Sure, I wasn't thrilled at the beginning. But I know where you're coming from. Tom's still upset that he can't help Bill. I guess he feels he should be able to help since they're twins and all."
"Yeah." Harmony sighed and dropped her bagel onto her plate by her feet. "Well thanks for not hating me."
"No problem." Georg laughed softly.
Harmony pushed herself off the floor and wiped her hands on her pants as she knelt to pick up her plate. "I'll see you later, Georg. And thanks for the warning about the eggs. They looked pretty nasty."
"You're welcome and they are." He said with a small mouthful. "Later." He waved his fork at her again as she headed for the door with her bagel in her hand. She walked back to Bill's room and sat at the table flipping through the room service menu until Bill got back an hour later.
"How'd it go?"
"Good." Bill yawned and reached for his backpack. "Are you ready to go?"
"Now?"
"Yeah, we've gotta leave for the shoot. I do anyway. You don't have to if you don't want to. But I'm running late."
"Oh." Harmony stood up quickly and brushed the crumbs off her lap. "Yeah, I'll go. It's okay?"
"Sure." Bill nodded for the door as she stood there. "But seriously we're late."
Harmony grabbed her bag and followed him out the door and down the hall to where the security team was waiting with the others. They all rode down the elevator and pushed their way through a crowd of girls to the tour bus.
-----------------------------
The bus took them less than twenty miles up the road where they were again escorted into the building and dropped off beyond the reach of the fans that were gathered outside.
"Wow." Harmony whispered as she took in the rustic building, photography gear and the crowd of fans standing around outside.
"Bill, Tom and you." The photographer shouted as the pack walked through the building. "Hit wardrobe. The other one, come over here."
"Is he talking to me?" Gustav looked over his shoulder at Georg.
"I think so."
"So I'm You today, huh?" Gustav rolled his eyes as they continued over to where the photographer was standing.
"Hi, I'm Bill. This is Georg, Tom and Gustav." Bill introduced the guys around to the photographer to allow the older man know that they all had names. "And this-" He reached behind him for Harmony's hand. "Is Harmony."
"'Hi." She said softly as the photographer looked her over.
"Great. Wonderful. Head out. You guys are already late." He ran his fingers through his graying hair and turned abruptly.
"This is gonna be fun." Tom mumbled under his breath as he sighed and followed Gustav over to the wardrobe area.
"Are they all that nice?" Harmony asked softly as she watched Bill shuffle his feet.
"Not all of them." He smiled slowly. "You might wanna keep out of his line of fire today. Just kinda off to the side. Any other time you could watch but he seems like a dick."
"Sure, no problem." She shook her head and looked around for a quiet corner.
"I have to go do this stuff now but I'll catch you after the shoot."
"Wait, when's your meeting with the doctor guy?"
"Three." Bill glanced at his watch. He looked over at the photographer who was talking with Georg and Gustav.
"And when should this be over?"
"Two. We'll get lunch then." He cleared his throat and took his hands out of his pockets. "I have to go." He nodded toward the racks of clothes.
"Okay." She smiled and waved slightly as he trotted over to the others. She slid over to the far wall and sunk into a warm and cozy overstuffed chair. She tucked her feet up under her and watched from a distance as the photographer shouted orders and the guys followed. None of them spoke back or looked her way but she could tell they were less than pleased to be talked to like children.
-----------------------------
Harmony stood up after sitting in one position for an hour and stretched her back. "Hey. Tobi, right?" She asked the security guard who was standing not far from her.
"Yeah." He said with his deep scratchy voice.
"Do you, uh- Can I go out to the bus or is that-"
"You wanna go out to the bus?" He gave her a half smile and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Am I allowed?"
"Well, I don't know." Tobi gave her a look of concentration. "Do you have a pass?"
"Yeah, yeah. I have it right here." She quickly pulled it out from her pocket and blushed.
"I'm just kidding with you." He laughed softly and pat her back. "You're cool. You wanna go out to the bus you just let me know. I'll take you out and make sure you make it there in one piece."
Harmony laughed nervously and tucked the badge back in her pocket. "Yeah, I'd like that. They have another hour or so and I could use a nap."
"You got it." He placed his hand on the center of her back and walked with her toward the door.
Bill watched as Harmony left the lodge with Tobi. He kept a watchful eye on her as they crossed the small parking lot and boarded the bus.
"If you wanna hang out with your girlfriend just say the word. I can get the Jonas Brothers in here in 15 minutes." The photographer frowned and adjusted his camera settings. Bill sighed and tried not to roll his eyes as he turned his attention back to his task at hand. "Okay, Tom, up front. You, stand by the edge there and look over your shoulder. No, your other shoulder. Hello? Your right shoulder."
Gustav grudgingly looked over his right shoulder as he stood at the edge of the rug.
"And you, can you get down on one knee facing the door?"
Georg stared at the photographer for a second before dropping to one knee and turning to face Gustav. "He's the biggest dick in the room." He said in a sing-song voice.
Bill was standing close enough to hear and laughed softly. "Shut up, Georg."
"Well-" Georg nodded up at Bill and Tom standing back to back right in front of the camera. "All they're gonna see of me is my ass in the corner of the picture."
"Your ass and my elbow." Gustav mumbled with a soft laugh.
"Exactly." Georg laughed and shook his head.
"What?" Tom turned around.
"Shut up." Georg said softly as he turned to face the door as instructed.
"I didn't even say anything." Tom frowned at Georg.
"Never mind." Georg shook his head and looked over his left shoulder as he had been instructed.
More than an hour later Bill nervously looked at his watch and cringed. "I have to go. I'm late." He said to the photographer as he kicked his dress shoes off.
"We have one more set." He argued.
"I'm late for my doctor's appointment already. You have enough there. You should be able to find something." Bill grumbled and headed for the racks. He quickly changed back into his sweatpants and T-shirt and ducked out the back with his security team. It was time for him to meet with the psychiatrist.
The others stood around for a minute waiting to see what would happen next. When the photographer didn't say anything they too went to change. "I'm so hungry I could eat my shirt." Tom complained softly.
"Me too." Georg's stomach growled as he pulled his T-shirt over his head. "Do they have a food place here?"
"There's a restaurant up front." Gustav nodded as his mouth began to water. "Shit, what time is it?"
"Almost three." Georg tapped his watch. "Way past lunch time."
"My money's on the bus." Tom frowned.
"Mine too."
"Okay, let's run out there real quick and come back to eat." Tom said as he pulled at his shirt to make it fit more comfortably.
"Lunch wasn't included in the deal?" Gustav laughed.
"Who do you think you are? Mr. Superstar?" Tom laughed and led the pack out to the bus. They stopped with their guards and signed a few autographs on the way out as fans snapped pictures. Tom made it to the bus first and hopped up the three steps into the small living room.
Harmony looked up as the door opened and blushed quickly as Tom appeared. She quickly became engrossed in her magazine as Tom banged around in the bunks looking for his wallet. "Shit, where are my jeans?" He mumbled to himself. She heard several more bumps and zips before he emerged from behind the curtain with his wallet in his hand.
Tom stopped at the top of the little steps and drummed his fingers on the wood paneling. "Do you, uh- Want to come with us?" Tom asked softly as Harmony flipped a page in the magazine.
She looked up at him and gave him a cautious smile. "Come with you?"
"We're, uh- We're going up to the restaurant to get something to eat." Tom nervously shifted his feet and concentrated on the string hanging from the hem of his T-shirt.
"Tom! Let's go." Gustav shouted from outside.
"Thank you, but I don't think-" Harmony let the sentence trail off as Gustav began to chant, "Let's go! Let's go!"
"No, come with us." Tom smiled uneasily.
"Okay." Harmony gave in as her stomach rumbled. She dropped her magazine on the couch beside her, folded up blanket and grabbed Bill's sweatshirt off the counter. She followed Tom down the steps.
"Harmony's coming with us." Tom said as she stepped off the bus behind him. Gustav stopped chanting and turned quickly. He walked wordlessly toward the building.
"What's Bill up to?" Georg asked as he, Harmony and Tom followed Gustav.
"Benjamin brought the psychiatrist back to talk with Bill. So they're meeting this afternoon." Harmony explained softly.
"That Mark guy?" Georg asked.
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and forced a smile. "I guess Benjamin just wanted to cover his ass and call in a professional."
"That's understandable." Tom nodded and tried to smile reassuringly. "How do you think he's doing?"
"Bill? I think he's doing well." She nodded and followed Georg through the door.
"He's not, you know, upset or anything?" Georg asked softly.
Harmony thought for a minute and shook her head. "I don't think so. He hasn't said anything."
"Have you asked?" Tom fell into step beside her.
"Have you?" She retorted. He kept quiet as they walked through the building to the restaurant. "I'm sorry." She said softly. "No, I haven't asked. But he usually tells me if he's upset. He's seemed pretty happy for the most part."
"Last night?"
"Yeah, that was rough but that was good for him. He thought opening up to you would be the hardest but he did it. I was really proud of him." Harmony smiled and sat beside Georg.
"Yeah." Tom said softly.
"And I'm proud of you for asking him." She added as an afterthought.
"Thanks." Tom smiled shyly.
"Two down. One to go." Harmony thought to herself with a smile. She cast a worried glance at Gustav and desperately hoped that he'd grow to understand.
The lunch passed uneventfully with Gustav remaining silent and the others talking candidly about the miserable photo shoot. Bill showed up as they were wrapping up and heading for the arena so they all rode over together on the bus.
Harmony made herself comfortable on the bus and turned on one of the DVD's Gustav had bought. Yet another fun and exciting night on the bus for her.
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"Hey, Bill. How are things?" Gustav asked during a water break in their sound check.
"Good." Bill said slightly out of breath. He sat heavily on the edge of the stage and leaned back on his arms.
"Really?" Gustav asked a second later as he sat beside Bill.
Bill smiled and realized what Gustav was asking. "Yeah." He nodded slowly. "I'm doing a lot better."
"Cool." Gustav said softly with a nod. He looked out over the empty seats and sighed. "You'd tell me if something was up, right? I mean, if I asked?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded with a smile.
"Cool." Gustav cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair. "And Harmony? She's helping?"
"Yep."
"'Cool."
"You know, Gustav, you don't have to like her." Bill said after a minute. "That's okay with me. I know that you're still there for me."
"Yeah. I am. Anytime."
"I know." Bill nodded as Gustav looked over and met his eye. "It's cool."
"So you don't- You know." Gustav nodded at Bill's bare arms.
"No." Bill shook his head. "Well, I haven't. Not in a while. Not since Harmony got here."
"What if- What will happen when she leaves?" Gustav asked cautiously.
"I don't know." Bill answered honestly. "I think I'll be okay. She's not physically stopping me or anything. But, Gustav, you just- You never know. I don't want to cut myself anymore but-" He shrugged and let his voice trail off at the end.
"Well, just tell me if you ever feel like doing it again. I'll, uh- I'll help you out." Gustav said softly. Bill nodded in response as he continued. "Even if I'm the one that put you there. Or whatever."
"Thanks, Gustav."
"You're welcome." He held out his closed fist to Bill who hit it with his own and smiled. Gustav pulled him in for a quick hug before he jumped to his feet. "Let's go get some food before the hogs eat it all." He smiled as Bill jumped up beside him and they walked off stage together.
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Three days later Harmony was laying in another dark hotel room unable to sleep. The sun was just cracking through the curtains to light the room and she knew she had a little while longer to lie there. She yawned and rolled onto her side facing away from Bill's bed. She pushed the tiny button on her watch to light it up. She cringed when she saw that she'd already been with Bill for six days. She knew she only had seven days of vacation time to use. She would have to call her work and let them know she wouldn't be back the next week. She had a very serious decision to make. If her boss wouldn't work with her she could lose her job and that would set her back pretty far.
Harmony lay in bed and thought about that for a minute. "But if I tell Bill that, he'll make me go and he's not ready yet." She said softly to herself.
"What?" Bill asked from the bed across from her.
Had she said that out loud? "Uh, nothing." She whispered as she pulled her blanket up to her shoulder. The phone had yet to ring to wake them up so she rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. She was learning really quick just how crazy life on the road was. She thought for a minute and tried to remember what city they were in. She knew that they were in St. Louis, Missouri the day before but she distinctly remembered driving all night and checking in here while it was still dark.
"Harmony?" Bill whispered a second later.
"Yeah?"
"What's up?"
"I'm sleeping." She whispered at the wall.
"No, you're not. You're talking."
"I'm talking in my sleep." She smiled to herself.
"So what's up?"
"Nothing."
"Harmony." Bill said with a fatherly tone. "I'm not convinced."
Harmony flopped over to her other side and looked at Bill across the gray lit room. "I was just thinking."
"About?"
"Tomorrow will be a week that I've been here." She whispered and scratched the side of her nose.
"A week? Wow."
"Yeah." She nodded as he fluffed his pillow and smiled at her. "Tomorrow will be the end of my one week vacation also." She added in an even softer tone.
"Oh." He frowned slightly and let that sink in. "You have to leave?"
"No." Harmony said quickly. She wasn't sure she was ready to leave just yet.
"But what about your job?" Bill adjusted his blanket and sunk deeper into his pillow. She didn't answer. She just shrugged. "You should go home then."
"I'm not gonna argue with you about this. Honesty, remember? I don't want to leave yet."
"Okay." Bill nodded a minute later.
"Can I go back to sleep now?"
"Sure." Bill smiled and went to roll over as the phone between them rang. "No." He reached over and pulled the phone to his ear. In his best morning voice he said, "Yeah, yeah. I'm up."
Harmony laughed lightly and sat up in the bed to stretch. She was getting used to the whole morning routine and could definitely see why they acted as immature as they did sometimes. They had to or else they'd all go crazy with the pressure they were under. Not just the pressure of being Tokio Hotel and having to be nice and friendly all the time but the pressures of the grueling schedule as well. They were up with the sun and didn't slow down until after midnight. Harmony yawned and took her things into the bathroom. For once she got in there before Bill. She showered and dressed and stepped back into the room leaving the door open for Bill. "So what's the plan for today?" She asked like she had every other morning the last week.
"The usual. Breakfast, radio interview, then I have a meeting with some producers to talk about the new album. I think Gustav's coming with me for that. The others are doing an online chat. Then we have the sound check, meet and greet and the show. Then on to... uh, I forgot what city." Bill said as he started the water for his shower.
"We were in St. Louis yesterday." Harmony continued the conversation twenty minutes later when Bill emerged from the bathroom showered and shaved.
"No, we were in Cleveland yesterday. We were in St. Louis the day before. We're in Phoenix today." He finished adjusting his shirt in and zipped his fly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." Bill tapped his temple. "I are smart."
"Cute." Harmony tossed his backpack at him and they headed down to the room at the end of the hall to get a quick bite to eat before they met up with everyone. Harmony joined them in the van for their trip to a radio station to do a short fifteen minute interview and promotion for their show that night. It was only ten in the morning when they were finished but it felt much later.
The group was hustled back to the hotel to check out and take the bus to the arena where Gustav and Bill would meet with the producer and the others would do their online chat thing. Harmony tagged along to the arena but stayed on the bus while they went about their work. After several nights of sleeping only three or four hours she was exhausted so she climbed onto Bill's bunk and curled up with his pillow.
She felt something hard and flat by her hand and frowned. She didn't want to be nosy but at the same time she was very curious. She pulled the little book out and laughed lightly. It was her own journal that Bill had hidden under his pillow. She flipped through the pages, recognizing the familiar handwriting and doodles in the margins.
Harmony turned to the page he had marked and read the entry.
-----------------------------
Dear Bill,
Sunday 8:53 pm
Well, you called me tonight. Thank God. You sounded busy and I guess that's how it goes. I've been busy too. Dr. Mueller has me coming to Ahoskie Behavioral a few times a week now to meet with her 'new class' as she puts it. She keeps threatening to retire but I think she's bluffing.
When I told Dr. Mueller I was still writing in my journal she seemed surprised. She also said that this may be good therapy for me but I didn't tell her I was writing to you. To Bill, I mean. That might denote the therapy. Naming my book Bill and writing to it like a friend? That's just weird. Anyway, she said I should be sure to write out my feelings about Jonas because, when she asked, I didn't feel like talking about it with her.
But you wanna know why? I'll tell you. I can trust you right? You won't go babbling to everyone? I know you won't. Books don't talk. Okay, here's how I feel about Jonas killing himself. At first I was pissed off at him for doing that. For coming so far and busting his ass to get out of fucking Ahoskie Behavioral and then pissing it all away one night for nothing. That's just bullshit. Then it made me doubt myself you know? Shit, if Jonas lost it, how the hell am I supposed to survive? But then finally, I felt triumphant (Look at me use my big words tonight). I felt like I was better than that. That he had failed no one but himself and, while that's a sad thing to happen for the survivors, for Jonas maybe it was the best thing. How do you tell your shrink that you think someone killing themselves is a good thing? There's absolutely no way to rationalize that to her. I wouldn't wish that he was dead and I'm not happy that he is. Not at all. But I guess it's hard to explain. As a suicide attemptee I think maybe I see it a lot different than Dr. Mueller does. If his life was that bad or even if he just saw it that way then wherever he is he's gotta be happier than he was here. Unless you believe in hell, in which case, well I don't want to think about that. Let me live in my little fantasy world. Jonas is happier so I'm happy for him.
- Harmony
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Harmony shook her head and closed the journal. She had given it to Bill because she didn't want to revisit the past so she shouldn't have even picked it up. That was nothing she wanted to live through or even think about again. She marked the page and slid it back under Bill's pillow as she lay her head down and closed her eyes.
Lying there alone in his bunk she had plenty of time to think about her situation and what she could do to help the others cope with Bill. They were doing well, all of them were, but until they all started to work together as a team nothing would ever be completely resolved. Bill had told her that he and Gustav talked and that things were smooth there. But Gustav was still being standoff-ish with Harmony and that continued to make everyone uncomfortable.
Harmony sighed deeply and tried to push her worries from her mind as she breathed in Bill's scent from the pillows and let herself fall into her dreamland.
-----------------------------
"Hey, Harmony?" Georg smiled as he climbed onto the bus and looked toward the couch where Harmony usually stayed. He frowned quickly when he didn't see her, then headed for the back "Harmony? Are you here?" Georg noticed that she was lying down and quickly lowered his voice. "Sorry, I didn't know you were sleeping."
"It's okay." Harmony yawned and sat up halfway in the bunk.
"Where's Bill?"
"I'm not sure. He was meeting with Gustav and some other guy about something. I wasn't paying much attention." She rubbed her eyes and smiled.
"They could be a while then." Georg glanced around the tiny bunk. He met eyes with Harmony again. "Tom and I are going to grab a late lunch. Do you want to come?"
"Um-" She checked the tiny alarm clock in the corner of the bed. It was after two and she was starving. "Sure." She hopped off the bunk and followed Georg off of the bus. Two security guards walked with them over to where Tom stood and they decided to just walk the three blocks to the restaurant.
The three friends stood around making small talk as the guards cleared it with everyone else. Apparently they needed three levels of authority to approve them walking up the street.
Across the parking lot Bill and Gustav hopped out of the van and stretched. They had been in a meeting all morning and it had not gone well. All Bill wanted to do was get his stuff off the bus and hop back in the van to go to the hotel and sleep for a few hours. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned as he caught sight of Harmony standing off to the side with Georg and Tom. Georg smiled down at Harmony and she blushed as she laughed and looked away. She shook her head and asked Tom a question. Tom in turn laughed and slapped Georg on the shoulder. Bill couldn't hear what was being said but he felt himself getting agitated at the sight.
Harmony glanced from Tom to Georg as she followed their conversation back and forth. She looked up and saw Bill. She looked surprised for a second but then smiled and said something to Georg as she pointed over. He nodded and she walked over to where he stood. "You're done early."
"I never said when we'd be done." Bill said softly.
"Well, no, but Georg said that a meeting about the album would probably take all day." She smiled and bounced up on her toes.
"You seem like you're in a good mood."
"I am. It's been a good day so far." She continued to smile as she glanced back over her shoulder at Tom and Georg. "Hey, we're going to get lunch up the street. Did you wanna come?"
"No, I think I'll just go on back to the hotel and carve my name into my arm." Bill said with a smirk.
Harmony's smile fell from her face and she glared at Bill. "Don't say that."
"I'm kidding." He held his smirk and raised his eyebrow at her.
"It's not funny." She said softly. Bill just shrugged and looked around nervously. He cleared his throat and looked back up at Harmony. "What's wrong?" She asked softly.
"Nothing." He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. He looked over Harmony's shoulder to where Georg and Tom were waiting.
"Don't give me that bullshit." Harmony crossed her arms and stared him down. "That's not something to joke about. You know that."
"Fine. Okay. I won't joke about it. I'm going to go back to the hotel and watch a movie." He said sarcastically.
"Fine. I'm going with you." Harmony took a few steps toward the van and sighed.
"No." Bill turned with her and fell into step beside her. "I want to be by myself.
"Too bad." Harmony kept her eyes forward and set her jaw. She tried to hide her anger.
"I want to be alone, Harmony."
"I don't care." She stopped and whirled around to face him. "You can't joke about cutting yourself and then expect me to leave you alone for the afternoon."
"I was kidding around. Where'd your sense of humor go?"
"You think that's funny?!" She kept her hands in her pockets to keep from choking him. "Oh sure, Bill. That's really funny. I'm just gonna go out to lunch with Georg and Tom and maybe for dessert I'll take a handful or two of the Vicodan you have stashed on the bus." Bill stood perfectly still. He ground his teeth slightly as he tried to maintain his composure. "You think that thought hasn't crossed my mind?" Harmony asked with a surprised look. "The fact that you're joking about it proves that you've thought about it, Bill. And that scares the hell out of me. I'm not leaving you alone this afternoon and you don't get to have a say about that." She turned and stomped across the small parking lot to the black van.
Harmony climbed into the back seat and huffed to herself as she collapsed into the vinyl and pulled her seat belt across her lap. Bill watched her climb into the van before he sighed and followed her. He grudgingly climbed in and sat in front of Harmony. He scowled as they rode back to the hotel in silence. Harmony got out of the van first and pounded her feet all the way up the walk and through the small group of fans that were waiting by the front entrance. She didn't slow down as she pulled the door to the stairwell open and took to the stairs.
Bill followed her slowly out of the van and stopped to visit with the fans for a minute before his security escorted him into the hotel and to the elevators. Harmony was just emerging from the stairs when Bill stepped off the elevator on the fourth floor. Their eyes met and they walked side by side down the hall in cold silence.
-----------------------------
Once Bill and Harmony reached the room, Bill grabbed one of the chairs and dragged it out onto the narrow balcony where he sat heavily and shut the sliding glass door behind him. He sat with his back to Harmony and chewed on his thumbnail as he cast dirty looks at the empty city before him.
Harmony sat at the foot of the bed and calmed herself down considerably just by making herself sing 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall in her mind. She waited in silence for almost an hour before she sighed and walked over to the sliding door. She pulled it open halfway and stared at Bill until he looked over at her. "Are you ready?" She asked.
"I don't have to be anywhere until four." He frowned.
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing." Bill shook his head and looked back out over the parking lot.
"We're too high up for me to be out on the balcony. Can you come inside please?"
"We're only four floors up."
"Yeah and that's about three floors too many." Harmony attempted a small smile. Bill didn't make a move to stand up so she sighed and pulled the other chair over to the door. She made sure all four legs were inside and she leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. "You know, you're gonna make it miserable for yourself if you don't talk because I'm not going to let you out of my sight until you do."
Bill sighed and rolled his eyes. "It's just been a shitty day."
"Okay, how? Why?"
"I don't know."
"You're starting to sound like me." Harmony chewed her lip in concentration. "What would Dr. Mueller say?" She thought to herself. "You've chosen me to be here to help you and I've gladly stayed but if you're not going to meet me halfway then what am I doing here?"
"It's been a bad day." He repeated softly and looked down at his hands in his lap.
"You seemed okay this morning. It wasn't until after your meeting with Gustav and the other guy about the new album that you became upset. What happened there?"
"Nothing." Bill shook his head.
"What happened to the honesty?" Harmony asked a minute later.
"I'm being honest. Nothing happened at the meeting." Bill looked over his shoulder directly at her.
"Then what?"
Bill leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the ledge of the balcony. "You're supposed to be here for me."
Harmony blushed suddenly. "I am here for you." She managed to say a minute later.
"I mean me. Not the guys."
"Bill, I don't know what you mean."
"You were going to lunch today with Tom and Georg."
"You were in a meeting and they invited me to go with them." Harmony frowned.
"Then you invite me to come along as a third wheel? Come on."
"You're jealous of them?" Harmony's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Are you serious?"
Bill got defensive and quickly placed his feet back on the floor. "What if I had been serious about cutting myself?"
"I'm here, aren't I?" Harmony held out her arms to prove her point. He scowled and turned his face away from her. "Where is this coming from, Bill? I'm with you guys on this tour for you. Not for anyone else. But in order to help you get through the crap in your head, the other guys have to be a part of the process. Which means I'm going to have to talk with them too." She sighed as the breeze picked up and tossed her hair over her forehead. "Tom and Georg are like my two helpers."
"I know." Bill said softly.
"Then what?"
"Georg has a thing for blondes."
"He what?"
"I think he likes you." Bill kept his face turned away.
Harmony laughed to herself. "But, Bill, that's- That's silly."
"No, it's not." He turned to look at her and licked his lips.
"I'm not interested in Georg. He's a sweet guy and everything but-" She shook her head and smiled. "With all the girls out there to choose from, he has to be able to find something better than a bitchy nutcase."
Neither of them spoke for a minute before Bill stood up and carried his chair back into the room as Harmony moved out of the way. "I wasn't thinking about cutting myself. I just wanted to get a reaction out of you." He rattled off the words so quickly she wasn't sure she heard.
"Well, you got it." She said softly as she set her chair beside his.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Harmony nodded and took a deep breath.
She hesitantly reached out and took his hand in hers. It was a move she couldn't remember doing on her own before. "I don't know why you've stayed around. I must drive you nuts." Bill smiled slowly as he blushed. "I mean-"
"I know what you mean." Harmony laughed and nodded. She squeezed his hand. "But see, I'm already nuts so, to me, you're my sanity."
"Now that's a scary thought." Bill laughed and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry I pissed you off this afternoon."
"It's okay and you don't have to worry about that. I'm not out here to find romance." She smiled and checked the watch on his arm. "You've gotta get going though."
"Shit, you missed lunch." Bill said suddenly.
Harmony's stomach growled in agreement and she smiled weakly. "I'll grab something at the arena."
"I'm sorry." He said again.
"It's okay, just don't kid around like that again." Harmony squeezed his hand. "If you want my attention just pull me aside."
"I'm-"
"Stop apologizing." She laughed lightly.
"Are you coming to the show tonight?"
"Yeah." Harmony nodded. "I got a good nap this afternoon so I think I'll actually stick around and watch it. If that's okay."
"Sure, yeah that's fine." He nodded and pulled her toward the door. He weaved his fingers through hers. They held hands all the way to the elevator and then out to the van. Bill smiled at the group of fans waiting by the entrance and waved with his free hand as they slid into the backseat of the van.
They rested their hands on the seat between them, still locked together, for the short ride to the arena. Harmony had never been one for hand holding but with Bill it just felt right. It was the most intimate contact she'd had with another person aside from the hugs she'd received from Bill. Holding his warm hand in hers seemed more intimate. It was a physical hold where before they had only an emotional hold. Harmony's hand tightened on Bill's as she blushed and realized how nice it felt to hold and be held onto.
-----------------------------
Over the next two days Harmony spent her time trying to get Bill to spend time alone with the guys one on one. Even if they didn't talk about Bill's cutting at least they were getting individual attention and Harmony thought that it wouldn't hurt. She wasn't exactly sure what she was supposed to be doing to help but that seemed like the next logical step.
Dr. Mueller kept in contact to keep an eye on their progress and was delightfully surprised to see the work Harmony was putting into helping. The psychiatrist was no longer with them. He'd met with Bill at Benjamin's request and found that Bill was well on the road to healing. If Bill thought that Harmony was the right person to help him, the psychiatrist couldn't find anything wrong with that. He too was available to consult if things got out of hand for Harmony or if she hit an obstacle that she couldn't work around.
Harmony called her work on the eighth day to let them know that she had personal issues that needed to be addressed and she would either have to quit or take an extended leave. They couldn't grant her the leave so she regretfully quit and decided to deal with that when she got back. She also called Cassey and asked her to get her mail and basically keep an eye on her apartment while she was away.
Cassey wasn't thrilled to hear that Harmony was going to be gone for a few weeks but she was supportive and almost envious of what Harmony was doing. Bill had his staff call around and get Harmony's car towed to her parent's house back in North Carolina so that it wouldn't have to stay in the hotel parking lot in Virginia. Her parents were out of the country again and most likely wouldn't even notice the car when they came home.
By the time they got to South Dakota, Harmony had given up trying to remember where they were. She was only reminded when she'd see it taped up backstage somewhere. She was spending more and more time backstage because she was beginning to feel like a freeloader just hanging around the bus watching movies when everyone else was working their asses off. She made her presence known backstage and ran small errands for everyone as needed.
"Hey, Harmony? Can you do me a favor?" Bill shouted down from the stage. They were in the middle of their sound check and Harmony was sitting halfway back on the floor to get a feel for what it was like during the show.
"Uh, sure." She stood up quickly and wiped her suddenly sweaty palms on her jeans.
"I left my spare battery pack in the dressing room. Can you go get it and bring it to John so he can charge it?" He stood with his hands on his hips. He looked totally comfortable up on the stage giving orders.
"Sure, where is it?"
"Um, you know where the rollers are?" He asked. She shook her head. She didn't spend a lot of time in their dressing rooms. "Okay when you walk in, go straight back, you'll see five huge wardrobe rollers. Find mine and it'll be inside the case thing. Probably hanging up inside." Harmony smiled as he talked. She noticed just how much he talked with his hands.
"Okay." She nodded and skipped around the side of the stage and headed toward the dressing rooms nearby. She pushed the heavy door open and stood with her hands on her hips as she looked around for the rollers he was talking about. Off to the left she saw five huge cases with clothes strewn around the floor. "That must be them." She thought to herself as she started back.
None of the racks were marked very clearly but she could tell by the clothes in the first one that it wasn't Bill's. She continued walking down narrow aisle looking for clothes that might be Bill's and trying not to trip over the overflowing piles of clothes. She was concentrating on her feet when Gustav stepped out from between two racks and almost knocked her over. "Whoa! Sorry." She stepped back quickly and instinctively reached out to touch his arm for balance.
"Sorry." He grumbled under his breath. They stood in silence for a split second before he brushed past her and headed for the door.
Harmony sighed and continued down the aisle. She finally came upon Bill's area where she recognized his favorite sneakers with the pen drawn designs on the side of the sole. She found the battery pack right where Bill said she would so she tucked it in her back pocket and turned to head out again.
"Hey." Gustav said from the doorway when he saw her coming.
"Hey." She said softly as she slowed her pace. A feeling of nervousness crept up from her stomach and she became very aware that they were alone in the room. Some irrational part of her brain kicked to panic mode even though consciously she knew she had nothing to be afraid of. Gustav may not like her but he wouldn't hurt her.
"You, uh-" Gustav started to talk but ended up looking down at his shoes. "I heard what you did for Bill the other day."
"What?" Harmony asked as she let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
"When he was joking about, uh, you know- Um, hurting himself?" Gustav cleared his throat and looked up at her. "How you hung out with him and stuff. Even though he was just kidding."
Harmony shrugged and tucked her hands in her pockets. "I didn't think it was a funny thing to joke about."
"It's not." Gustav shook his head in agreement. "So, uh- It's cool that you would do that. Talk to him and make sure he was all right."
"He's my friend. You would have done the same thing." She smiled slowly and met his eye.
"I hope so." He shrugged and tilted his head to the side.
"No, you would have." Harmony nodded. "You guys don't give yourself enough credit for the friendship you have. Relationships like yours take a lot of hard work on everyone's part. I can see that now having been out here with you all for a while. You're all pretty amazing." Compliments will get you far in life especially when they're true.
Gustav nodded silently and pushed the door open. He stepped out and stood to the side as he held it open for Harmony. She stepped through the doorway and walked back to the stage with Gustav. The feeling of apprehension was gone completely.
Gustav stopped just before he reached the top of the stairs to the stage and turned around to face Harmony. "I, uh-" He was having a hard time swallowing his pride and talking at the same time. "I'm sorry I was a dick and I'm glad you're here to help Bill when we can't." He let the words spill from his lips at an alarming speed before he turned and jumped up onto the stage.
Harmony stood there speechless for a minute before a slow smile crept up onto her lips. She'd broken through to the last one. She did a mini-cheer in her mind before she stepped onto the stage to give the battery pack to John. She took her seat back in the ocean of empty seats and watched the rest of the sound check with a smile on her face.
-----------------------------
When the show was over, Harmony was hustled out to the bus with the guys to head out to the next city on their tour. It was going to be a long drive and they wouldn't arrive at their next destination until close to one o'clock the next day.
Not wanting to press her luck with Gustav and Tom, Harmony set herself in a corner on the bus and kept quiet as they all settled in for the night. She was getting used to their routine. Bill and Gustav would head to the back to get things situated and change if they needed to while Georg and Tom would fall onto the couch and launch into a playful argument about who was better looking or turn on a video game. After a few minutes the other two would emerge from the back and Bill would get something to drink. Gustav would butt into the video game and Bill would come and join Harmony on the far end of the couch. That kind of predictability was comforting to Harmony and she watched with a satisfied smile.
"So how're you doing?" Bill sat down beside her and slapped her knee.
"Good." Harmony nodded. "You?"
"Good but I'm dead tired."
"Yeah." Harmony smiled and looked at the guys on the floor by her feet. They were laughing and playing their video game but they all looked only half awake. "Do you get to sleep in tomorrow since we'll be on the bus all day?"
"Pretty much. Tom and I have a phone interview at eleven or something but we don't have to get up early or anything." Bill covered his mouth as he yawned.
"We what?" Tom asked as he tore his eyes off the TV screen. He tossed his controller to Gustav and pulled himself onto the couch beside Bill. "We have to get up early for what?"
"No. We don't have to get up early."
"For what?"
"For our phone interview tomorrow."
"I thought that was in the afternoon?" Tom asked confused.
"No, more like eleven."
"That's not early." Tom frowned.
"I know. That's what I said." Bill laughed.
"Okay, I'm losing my mind. I'm going to bed." Tom shook his head and laughed as he stood up to head toward the back of the bus. He thwapped Gustav and Georg on the back of their heads as he passed them.
The other two stayed up for a while longer before they too wandered back to bed. Bill began his almost nightly ritual of reading Harmony's journal. He was becoming more comfortable with invading her privacy and was actually feeling a lot better knowing that she was doing okay and so was he.
He read a few pages and came to an entry that was so Harmony-like that it made him smile.
-----------------------------
Dear Bill,
12:12 am
I am officially not a 'student' anymore. I saw Dr. Mueller for the last time this morning. For the last time as a patient anyway. I'm still going there a couple times a week to help counsel the other kids and my parents and I are going every 2 weeks for family therapy but that doesn't really count. They're only going because they feel obligated which I suppose is as good of a reason as any. And, believe it or not, I think it's helping. My mom actually spoke to me today and asked my opinion about something. She didn't freak out because I answered it 'wrong' according to her standards. I was like, "So this is what a normal family life is like." Of course I don't expect this to last long but that's okay. I think I got used to my family life the way it was so this just seems weird. I'm rambling now. Ignore me. Hahahaha you can't!!
I saw you on TV last night. You look like you're doing well. I hope I'm as pulled together as you look. Ha, what are the chances? I think I'll always think of myself as fucked up. Is that weird? I mean, I wonder if people who try to off themselves ever feel normal again. Or if they ever did before. See I'm not entirely sure I know what 'normal' feels like so maybe this is normal and I just don't know. Then again maybe normal doesn't exist.
I'm reading this book. It's called 'Dragonfly in Amber' and it's amazing. I think there must be a book that comes before it though because I'm not understanding some of the references. I haven't actually read a book since I was at Ahoskie Behavioral. It's almost been a year. That's crazy, huh? Less than 2 months to go. I honestly never thought I'd get this far. Without you or this book version of you I'm not sure I would have made it. I'm going to have to thank you for that some day. Maybe I'll give this journal thing to you so you can read it and see how much you really helped. Then again why would you want to read the psycho writings of me? Whatever, it's just an idea.
Cassey and I went to see 'Splice' tonight and it scared the bajeezus outta me. I'm sitting here freaking myself out at every little sound so I think I'm going to go turn on all the lights and watch a funny movie. Wanna come? Hahaha
- Harmony
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Bill set the notebook down and listened carefully. He frowned slightly as he heard Tom jump down from his bunk and yawn before heading to the front of the bus back.
Harmony looked up from her book as Tom stepped into the little kitchen area. "Hey." She whispered softly so that he wouldn't be startled.
"Oh, hey." Tom jumped as he saw her sitting on the couch under the tiny light. "Can't sleep?"
"No." She shook her head and held up her book. "But I'm catching up on my Stephen King novels."
"That's cool." Tom whispered with a small smile. He opened the refrigerator and stood there staring into it for a minute as the bus shifted from side to side.
"How about you? You can't sleep either?"
"No, I have stuff on my mind." Tom kept his eyes on the orange juice carton in front of him.
Harmony kept quite for a minute as she debated with herself. "Is there anything I can help with?"
"Not really. It a girl problem." He laughed lightly and shook his head. He shut the refrigerator door. "I'm just letting it get to me."
"I'm a girl. Maybe I can help."
Tom shrugged and leaned against the little table. He looked down at his bare feet and shrugged. "Can you explain why girls give you a choice and then get pissed when you choose?"
"Sure. You didn't choose the right option." Harmony smiled.
"If there was a right one why'd she make me choose between two? I mean, there was a fair chance that I'd choose the wrong one, right?"
"Right." Harmony nodded.
"So what I don't get is why give the choice? Why not just tell me what you want?"
"Because girls want guys to know what they want without having to tell them." Harmony explained softly.
"They want me to know what they want?"
"Yes."
"That's impossible."
"Pretty much." Harmony nodded.
"So I'm screwed either way?"
"Or not screwed if you're speaking literally." Harmony laughed as Tom cracked a smile.
"Good call." Tom dropped himself into the chair across from Harmony and sighed. "Any other girl advice?"
"Holding doors open will get you far. Compliment her hair. Think before you speak and smile flirtatiously a lot." Harmony smiled. "Like I'm one to go to on something like this." She blushed quickly and fidgeted with her fingernails. "I'm not exactly a relationship expert having never really been in one."
"You've never been in a relationship?" Tom asked as he leaned back in his chair.
"No, not really. Nothing healthy anyway." She shook her head. "I've had boyfriends before but nothing-" She shrugged and gave him a nervous smile. "Not anything that's been good for me."
"Hmmm." Tom frowned slightly.
"But you don't need those gory details." Harmony tucked her hair behind her ear and held her book in her lap.
"What about Bill?" Tom asked a second later.
"He's doing pretty good." Harmony nodded. "Nothing major since the little bout a few days ago when he kidded around about cutting himself."
"I mean relationship wise."
"Oh." That took Harmony by surprise and she blushed at her own reaction. "I, uh- I don't know. We never really talked about his relationships. I've, uh- I've assumed he's had girlfriends. I mean, he's a grown man. I'm sure he has." She cleared her throat quickly. "You'd know better than I would."
Tom smiled at her uneasiness. "I mean you and Bill."
"We're friends." Harmony shrugged.
"Really?"
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and pulled her blanket up as she swung her legs up onto the couch.
"Nothing more?"
Harmony thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, I guess we're more than friends. We've gotten a lot closer just because of the situations we've been in. I'd consider him more than a friend." She nodded. "He's more like my guardian angel." Harmony added as an afterthought.
"I'd say you were his guardian angel." Tom said softly. "You know, before you got here we'd just gotten used to Bill the way he was. His changing was a gradual thing. But now it's like the old Bill is back and we can see the change. It's just a little change but it's weird. You know?"
Harmony nodded and smiled. "Yeah, I know. I didn't really know the old Bill but I can see a change too. He still had a way to go though." She said cautiously.
"I know."
"But he's working on it. And you guys helping him has made a big difference."
"Are things cool with you and Gustav?"
"I guess." She shrugged and yawned. "Are, uh- Things cool with us?"
"Yeah." Tom smiled. "Things are cool with us. I'm glad you're here to help out with Bill. I'm pretty sure we couldn't have done this by ourselves."
"You guys really underestimate yourselves." Harmony smiled and scooted lower on the couch. "But thank you."
"You're welcome. I'll let you go to sleep now." Tom stood up and stretched his arms over his head. "G'night, Harmony."
"G'night,Tom." She said softly as he leaned over her and switched the little light off.
Bill smiled in his bunk. He was happy to see Harmony getting along with his twin brother. Things were going pretty well with everyone. Even if Gustav was still being kind of weird at least Harmony considered things 'cool' between them. Tom was right though. She was his guardian angel.
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Several days later Harmony was helping set up the racks in the dressing room before the show. The guys were taking some down time to play video games or just hang out and relax. Dunja sent Harmony to try and track down a missing jacket that was last seen on Tom an hour before.
Harmony wandered around the backstage area trying to find Tom. She passed the media room, the half a dozen storage rooms and finally the green room. She sighed and pushed the heavy door open.
The door banged against the wall as it swung open much easier than she expected. Gustav looked up from the table startled. "Whoa! Oh, hey. Sorry." Harmony started to back out of the room. She had the door halfway shut when she noticed the exact-o knife in Gustav's hand. Her heart skipped a beat as her lips went cold. "Gustav, what's going on?"
Gustav stared at the blade for a second before he looked up at her. "Bill never told us why he cut his wrists in the first place. I was just thinking how far I'd have to go to actually cut myself. Like what would it take to get me to that point?" Harmony was silent for a minute as she kept her eye on Gustav. One part of her wanted to leap forward and swipe the blade from Gustav's hand. Another part of her wanted to turn and shut the door. Either way she didn't move.
"That's, um- Gustav, that's different for everyone." She looked down at his hand as he spun it between his fingers. "Can you put that down please?" She asked nervously.
Gustav let the steel knife fall to the table and ran his hands through his hair. "So what pushed Bill over the edge?"
"I think you should talk to B- "
"I can't talk to Bill about this." Gustav looked up angrily. "Because what if it was me? He wouldn't tell me that. He'd tell you that. I'm asking you because you're the one he talks to."
"Gustav, it's not one person or one thing that brings someone to suicide. It's a culmination of a dozen things or hundreds of things." Harmony shut the door behind her and crossed the narrow room to where Gustav was sitting at the table. She pulled up a chair across from him and placed the exact-o knife on the floor.
"I wasn't going to slice myself open." Gustav rolled his eyes.
"I didn't want to have to stare at it." Harmony explained softly. "You want to know why Bill tried to kill himself?"
"Yeah."
"He's not perfect." Harmony shook her head and shrugged. "And I know you know that and I know no one expects him to be perfect. But that's how he feels."
"He's a perfectionist."
"He's afraid to fail." Harmony nodded. "Terrified."
"That's stupid. We all fail." Gustav squinted up at her.
"I know. But, to him, that's not okay. People expect more from him. He's the good looking rock star who has his shit together. Who's always on top of things with the perfect little life, career, cars, houses, whatever."
"We all get that."
"I know." Harmony nodded. "I've seen that much these last few weeks. But you guys can shrug it off a lot easier than Bill. When you mess up at sound check how long does that bother you?"
"A few minutes or whatever. Depends on my mood."
"With Bill, it bothers him for days. Sometimes weeks."
"Shit." Gustav sighed and rested his head in his hands.
"When Bill and I first started to talk about his attempted suicide he had said that he felt like he had lost himself in the band and that he was tired of bending to their expectations. To the fans expectations or your management or whomever. He wanted to be able to do what he wanted or to not go anywhere if he didn't want to. He wanted to be able to do anything without having the world comment on it or tell him what to do. He felt like he was always being told, 'Do this. Go there. Be this way' and that just finally got to him. So he did something that no one told him to do. It was like the ultimate rebellion, you know? A big fuck you to the powers that be."
"And to us." Gustav said softly.
"He didn't see it that way." Harmony shook her head. "He didn't try to kill himself to punish you guys."
"What about the whole arm thing? I mean, later?"
Harmony took a deep breath. She really wished he'd talk to Bill about this. "I don't know exactly."
"Isn't that why you're here?"
Harmony stared at him for a second. "He wasn't specific. Mostly it was the same type of things." She said evenly. "Cutters usually do it to release another kind of pain or to kind of prove to themselves that they're human. For lack of a better way to describe it. I think that's what Bill was getting at."
"What does that mean?"
"You guys are treated like you're not human. All of you are. You've achieved godlike status for doing what you do well."
"We've worked hard to get here." Gustav scowled.
"I know that, Gustav. I've seen you guys bust your asses out there. But from an outsider's point of view you're not real. Think about when you were a kid, right? Michael Jackson was totally out of reach."
"Yeah, but he was still human."
"I know but, honestly, wasn't he on some whole other planet than you? I'm not talking about thinking someone is humanoid or an alien or whatever just like beyond human." Gustav shrugged. "That's how your fans see you. That's how a lot of people see you whether you feel it or not. Your life is so different than theirs that you're not even on the same level."
"But we're still us."
"Yeah, I know. That was Bill's problem. He began to feel that separation with the real world. He was so wrapped up and I guess- I don't know- Brainwashed? That's a terrible way to put it but do you know what I'm getting at? He'd cut himself to show himself that no matter what he was still human. Still breakable."
"But we're all like that. Why couldn't he come talk with us? We've always been each others link to reality. That's why we're so close." Gustav frowned and sighed.
"After his stay at Ahoskie Behavioral things were tense between you guys. I'm guessing. I mean, you all never really came to terms with the fact that he came so close to ending everything." Harmony hoped she was making sense to Gustav because she wasn't even sure she knew what she was talking about. "Consciously you knew." She tapped her head. "But you didn't see."
Gustav took a deep breath and immediately got defensive. "We di-"
"I'm not saying that's your fault entirely. There was a lack of communication there on everyone's part. You guys were scared to ask Bill about it and he was scared to force the issue. That's why it's so great that you guys are actually talking about it now. You should really be talking to Bill about this. He needs to know that you're concerned about this."
"How do you do that though? Just walk up and say, 'So, Bill. You feel like cutting yourself lately?' Seriously?"
"No. That's not what I mean. Just-" Harmony sighed and tried to think of how to put it. "Just be aware of each other. Ask them how they're doing and mean it. Not just for Bill. For all of you guys. This pressure isn't exclusive to Bill. You all have it."
"Then why haven't we all tried to slit our wrists?"
"Because you handle it differently." Harmony shrugged. "But just because Tom handles it by joking around doesn't mean he doesn't need you to ask him every now and then."
Gustav nodded in response and met Harmony's eye. "How'd you get so smart about this?"
"I'm not." She shook her head. "That's just what I'd want." She shrugged and cleared her throat. "I guess being a little loopy in the head comes in handy sometimes, huh? Suicidal people are the best counselors for other suicidal people."
"Are you still suicidal?"
Harmony smiled. "It's kind of like being an alcoholic. You may quit and never drink again but you're always an alcoholic." She shrugged and stood up. "Bad analogy. Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah." Gustav nodded.
"No more playing with razors?"
"I was just thinking about it."
"That's a dangerous place to be."
"I mean I was thinking about how bad it'd have to get. Not about suicide."
"That's still a dangerous place to be." Harmony looked down at her shoes. "If you want to think about that again go get one of the guys. They can break it down for you."
"I know." Gustav said softly.
"Okay." She nodded as she left. She shut the door behind her. Tom's jacket was completely forgotten as she crept out to the buses to be alone.
-----------------------------
Their bus made it to Chicago early the next morning. They were crisscrossing the United States at a rapid pace. Sometimes it was quite dizzying. They were making their first ever guest appearance on Oprah before they ran off to tour of a new museum and then to a photo shoot on the river and two meet and greets for their fans. By the time they got to the arena they were all exhausted yet somehow the boys managed to pull together another great show.
Harmony watched from her position beside the stage with her arms crossed. She had seen the show so many times over the last couple weeks that she was beginning to memorize the words. She had no idea how they did the same thing day after day. After the show she decided to ask them as they piled in the bus to go back to the hotel.
"Don't you guys get tired of singing the same songs every night?"
"We don't sing the same songs every night." Georg laughed.
"Yes, you do. All the shows that I've seen anyway."
"We change the order around a little."
"No, you don't." She laughed and shook her head.
"Yes, we do. Sometimes we'll sing a song in English. Sometimes we'll sing it in German. There's a difference you know." Georg laughed as he collapsed onto the couch.
"But why don't you guys ever sing the Strange song? That's like the one song by you that I love and I haven't heard you sing it yet."
"People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone. Women seem wicked when you're unwanted..." Georg sang the lyrics to The Doors' song.
"Smartass. I mean your song."
"What song?" Tom asked.
"Strange?" Georg asked.
"A freak of nature stuck in reality. I don't fit the picture. I'm not what you want me to be. Sorry..." Tom sang perfectly on key. "That one?"
"Yeah!" Harmony smiled. "Why don't you sing that one in your show?"
"It's not on our album." Tom frowned.
"Yes, it is. I've heard it before."
"It's not on this album though." Tom pointed out.
"What?" Bill asked as he walked over and sat on the couch beside Harmony.
"Strange."
"Yeah?" Bill looked confused.
"How come you guys don't sing that one in concert?" Harmony asked again.
"The Ahoskie Behavioral top ten?" Bill laughed as he remembered the journal entry about the song from weeks ago.
"Yeah." Harmony laughed with him. "I mean, it's a great song. It's the one I like."
"The one?" Georg laughed.
"I'm not a big boyband fan." Harmony raised her eyebrow at them.
"Get her off the bus now!" Gustav laughed from the back area. "We are NOT a boyband!"
"Them is fighting words." Georg shouted back in an exaggerated southern drawl. The guys all laughed and Harmony sat back and smiled. "So this is what they're like when they're all being themselves?"
Bill saw Harmony smiling and he laughed lightly. She'd somehow managed to get all the guys, including Gustav, to back her up and it was making a huge difference. He could see the difference in the guys and in himself too. They were being more open with each other even about the little things. That was a great start.
"Hey, at least I haven't said anything about your dance moves." Harmony said which snapped Bill out of his daze.
"Ooooooh no!" Tom shook his head and stood up.
"Don't even go there." Gustav laughed.
"There's something wrong with Bill's dancing?" Georg asked as he came out to the main room.
Bill laughed and leaned back on the couch. This was how it should be. The argument continued all the way back to the hotel. They finally all called a truce in the hallway and went to their own rooms. It had been a long day and in five hours they had to do it all over again.
-----------------------------
"This next song is a very special song and we'd like to sing it for a very special person." Bill said as he pulled his bar stool closer to the end of the stage. It was four days after Harmony's announcement that she only liked one Tokio Hotel song. There were only three more weeks left on the tour and the guys were definitely ready to wrap it up. Tom and Georg joined Bill on stage and sat beside him.
"Life on the road can get really hectic and crazy." Tom added. "Sometimes you just need someone to talk to who's not directly involved."
Gustav nodded as Bill continued. "Sometimes you need a lot of support from your friends." He smiled at the back of the stage at Gustav.
"There's a girl that we know. Her name is Harmony and she's been the support that we all needed. Even if we didn't know it at first." Tom smiled and adjusted his in ear monitor. "She originally came out to help Bill but, even though we resisted it at first, she really helped us all out too." Tom blushed slightly as he saw Bill walk over and take a very embarrassed Harmony by the hand.
"So I'd like to sing this song for Harmony because it means a lot to us. And it's one of the only songs by us that she actually likes." Bill laughed lightly as he pulled Harmony onto the stage and the music started.
"A freak of nature stuck in reality. I don't fit the picture. I'm not what you want me to be. Sorry. Under the radar. Out of the system. Caught in the spotlight. That's my existence. You want me to change but all I feel is strange. Strange in your perfect world. So-oh Strange. Strange. I feel so absurd in this life. Don't come closer. In my arms forever you'll be strange. Strange."
"You want to fix me, push me, into you fantasy. You try to give me, sell me, a new personality. You try to lift me. I don't get better. What's making you happy is making me sadder. In your golden cage all I feel is strange..." Bill sang from his heart as he willed his voice not to crack. He made it through the rest of the song and gave Harmony a big hug. The others joined in for a small group hug and then Bill took her off the stage.
"You suck." Harmony laughed nervously.
"Aww, you loved it."
"I almost vomited. There are a bazillion people out there!"
Bill looked back over his shoulder quickly. "I'm glad you didn't." He laughed. "I'll see you after the show."
"Have fun." She laughed and waved as he turned to run back to where the others were standing.
Harmony watched from the sidelines for the rest of the show. She was unable to wipe the smile from her face. The last few days had felt like she was on a vacation rather than on a help mission. She tried not to think about it but she knew she'd have to leave soon. She'd been away for almost three weeks and she had rent to worry about, not to mention a job. Harmony frowned and pushed that from her mind. She just wanted to enjoy the night.
When the show ended the guys cleaned themselves up then mingled backstage for a little while before they were shuttled back out to the bus. They'd lost track of where they were and where they were going. All they knew was that they were headed south again. The guys were unusually energized after the show and could hardly contain themselves as they piled onto the bus.
"I wish you'd had seen your face Harmony. You looked like you were about ready to vomit." Georg laughed as he fell back into the chair.
"I was! I swear. I don't do well in front of crowds and that was the biggest I've ever seen." She placed her hand on her stomach as it did flip flops at the memory.
"So we can't do it again tomorrow?" Georg asked.
"Um- No." Harmony covered her mouth as she yawned. "I don't think that'd be a good idea."
"Who's tired?" Tom shouted from the back.
"Not me!" Georg bounced up from his seat and turned the Playstation on.
"Not me." Gustav said from the bathroom.
"Not me." Bill laughed and sat at the table in the little kitchen area.
"I am." Harmony yawned again.
"You're a wimp, Harmony." Tom laughed as he came out from the back. He sat on the far end of the couch and reached for the extra controller as he and Georg began their nightly game.
"You guys can stay up all you want. I'm going to bed." Harmony stood on the couch to reach her blanket and pillow from the cabinets. She made a big scene out of it. She shook the blanket out and hitting Tom in the head with it. Then she lay down and put her feet in his back.
"Watch your feet, Harmony." Tom frowned over his shoulder.
"You're on my bed." She grumbled back.
Harmony pulled the blanket up to her shoulder as Bill sat on the floor by her head. "I'll shoo them off to bed in a bit." He said softly.
"It's okay." She sighed. "I can't believe you did that to me tonight."
"You didn't have fun?" He asked with a small smile.
She tried to suppress it but a tiny smile escaped. "Maybe a little."
"Yeah, I thought so." He smiled and bent his knees up to his chest. He rested his arms across his kneecaps. His heart sank for a second as he watched Harmony get herself comfortable on the couch. So many things had changed since she got there. He was feeling better than he had in years and he had no doubt it was all thanks to Harmony. She'd helped him in more ways than she thought.
Harmony closed her eyes and tried to block out the sounds of the guys playing video games as Bill watched the TV screen with a blank stare. He'd glance over at Harmony every few minutes just taking in the sight of her. So many things had changed.
The guys played and chatted for a little while before they called it a night and headed for the bunks. Bill waited a few extra minutes before he followed them to the back and yawned as he hoisted himself up into his bed and got situated. He pulled Harmony's journal out from under his pillow where he'd kept it for the last few weeks. He only had a dozen more pages to read and he was saving them for a special night. He felt as though when he finished reading Harmony's journal he would be finishing up their relationship and he didn't want it to end. He knew after the show that it was time. He turned to his marked page and slowly began to read.
-----------------------------
Dear Bill,
Monday 8:45 am
Nothing major has been going on lately. You know what though? Dr. Mueller is like totally normal. She's human and I don't know when that happened. She's always been this psycho manic head shrinker and now, out of no where, I know where she's coming from. Shit. Maybe I was really whacked and now I'm turning normal. Oh please God don't let that be it. Please don't let me be turning into Dr. Mueller. AHHHHH!
I haven't talked to you in about three weeks. And your cell phone is still nonexistent. I forgot to mention that last time so I guess for now I've just gotta wait for you to call me back again. I saw on MTV that your tour is starting. This week I think. Or next week. Either way, it's really soon. I'll bet you're really excited about that. It sounds like fun.
This is gonna sound bad and I hope that you don't take this wrong. Not that notebooks can take things wrong but you know what I mean. This has been on my mind a lot and this book is where I come to spill my thoughts, right? Right. No need to answer. Okay, last time you were on tour you got so stressed or whatever that you tried to off yourself. And now you're going back on tour again. I just hope that you'll be okay. Which is ridiculous because, out of the two of us, you're the most stable and I'm sure you'll be fine. I mean just look at you. You have your life back together. I'm the one that's forever fucked up. But anyway, it's just a thought itching in my mind. I hope you're okay.
Enough about you. On to me. I'm moving into Cassey's building in 6 weeks. She talked to the landlord guy and worked it out so that I get a little break on the rent in exchange for keeping the little plant areas in front of our places looking nice. I don't know what's gonna go on with that though because I somehow manage to kill my fake plants. I don't know if anything that's alive will stand a chance. But, oh well. It's worth a shot.
It's gonna be weird living on my own. I've never done that, you know? I'm a little worried about what'll happen. Will I slip again? Will I have to swallow my pride and crawl home after a month? This is just something huge, ya know? But that's what Dr. Mueller is there for, I guess. And Cassey. She's been a big help too. She seems so much more together than I feel. Hahahaha. Anyway. That's enough for now. I have to go to work. Did I mention I have a job? Go me.
- Harmony
-----------------------------
"Go you." Bill whispered with a smile. It was eerie just how right on Harmony had been about him going back on tour. She'd been right about a lot of things in her little journal. He read for another half hour before he came to the final entry. He stared at it for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and starting at the top.
-----------------------------
Dear Bill,
Thursday 10:16 pm
Well Bill, I'm going to see you in a week. One week. Wow. I couldn't get out of work to go see you when you're actually here in Raleigh so I've gotta drive my happy ass down to Greensboro but it'll be worth it to see the look on your face. I wonder if you'll recognize me?
Also, this is going to be my last little letter thing in here. This whole thing started as therapy for me. Okay, well, no. It started so I could get out of having to see Dr. Mueller 7022858 times a week. It just turned into therapy though. But now I don't think I need this. Mr. Bill book man thing. I think that you've served your purpose and I'm pretty much just babbling in here now. I'm going to keep a journal because, hell, this is fun. But you, my favorite little binder with the stickers on the front, are done. So let me end this on a high note (music lingo thrown in there, see? Damn, I'm good)!
Remember last time we talked? Well, of course you don't. You're a book. But the real Bill, he'd remember. Anyway, you talked about how you are constantly changing your life's soundtrack? With songs to fit whatever moment you're in or whatever you're feeling and stuff? I thought you were weird for saying that. Really, who runs around thinking of songs that go with their life? Like music playing in the background of a movie. You're just nuts.
But now you've got me thinking in songs. I heard this one today and I had to call the radio station and find out who was singing. It's some Sara McLachlan chick so I ran out to Walmart and bought the CD. The most impulsive thing I've done since my last handful of Prozac. Is it possible to wear out CD's? Because if so I think I may do that with this one. I love it. I insanely love it. It's great to feel this kind of passion towards something again even if it is just a song. Anyway, here's how it goes. I can't get it out of my head and it makes me think of you. Don't read too far into it though, loverboy.
So afraid to love you
More afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
A deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had
Oh, you gave me life
And I will remember you
See? And it makes me all teary eyed too. I can be such a girl sometimes. But I will, you know. Remember you, I mean.
- Harmony
-----------------------------
Bill shut the journal and tucked it under his pillow in the corner of his bed. He was finished. He climbed out of his bunk and went out to the dark sitting area where Harmony was breathing softly in her sleep. He balanced himself on the back of one of the chairs as he rifled through his CD collection as quietly as he could. He found the one he was looking for and slid it into the CD player. He adjusted the volume and skipped forward to the song.
Bill sat on the edge of the couch by Harmony's stomach and just watched her sleep as she slowly rocked with the motion of the bus. He didn't need her here anymore. That had been clear for a while now. He had only asked her to stay for himself for selfish reasons. He knew he would be okay as far as hurting himself if she left. He just didn't want her to leave just yet. "Harmony?" Bill whispered softly as Sara McLachlan played softly in the background. He knew what he was about to do ranked high on the cheesy scale but he was going to do it anyway. "Harmony?" He asked again. This time he reached out to touch her hand.
Her eyes fluttered open and she stared up at him with a confused look. "Bill? Are you okay?" She mumbled.
"Yeah." He whispered with a smile. "Will you dance with me?"
"You're on drugs." Harmony said as she pulled the blanket up to her chin and rolled away from him.
"Please? C'mon." Bill rubbed her arm and shook her lightly.
"You know it's the middle of the night and it's hard enough to sleep on this bus without you shaking me and asking me to dance." She whispered loudly. She refused to turn back to him. She took a breath to continue her whispered tirade but stopped when she heard the music. "You've been reading my journal." She turned around and pushed herself into a half sitting position.
"I finished it." Bill nodded. "Now will you dance with me? Please?"
"You have lost your damn mind. Give me the phone. I'm calling Dr. Mueller." She laughed quietly and shook her head.
"C'mon." Bill took her hand and pulled her up as her blanket fell to the floor. She stood there in the middle of the floor in her flannel pajama bottoms and tank top staring up at Bill. He smiled down at her and took her hand in his as he pulled her close and swayed to the music.
Harmony stood rigid for a minute but relaxed as his hand warmed her lower back. She slowly turned her head to the side and rested her cheek on his chest as she sunk into him. "This is the perfect song, Harmony. You have a good ear."
"It was stuck in my head for weeks. Thanks for bringing it back." She said sarcastically.
"I'm serious." Bill pulled back an inch and looked down at her in the darkness.
Harmony stared up at Bill for a minute as he slowly smiled and averted his eyes upward. "What? What are you doing?" She whispered as he looked back at her.
Butterflies took off in his stomach as he laughed nervously. "I don't need you anymore, Harmony."
Her heart sank as the smile fell from her face. She caught her breath quickly and was grateful for the darkness to hide her uncomfortable blush. "I, uh-" She let go of his hand and tried to take a step away.
"No, Harmony-" Bill reached out and held her by her wrist as he pulled her back to him. He laughed again and brushed a stray curl off her forehead. "Wait, listen. I just meant that for this whole thing." He waved his hand in the air for emphasis. "You've done your part and I really think I'm better. I know I am. I don't need you anymore and the only reason you're still here is because I've wanted you here."
"Great. Thanks, Bill." Harmony's forehead creased into a frown as she pried her arm away and knelt to pick up the blanket. If she'd just wasted the last few weeks on him when he didn't need her he could kiss her ass. She had a life she had to get back to and if he didn't need her she'd leave him alone.
"Wait. Harmony?" Bill sounded confused. The song started over in the background as he took her shoulder and turned her around to face him.
"Listen, Bill, it's great to hear that I'm not needed and all-" She said sarcastically. "But if that's all you woke me up for I'd like to go back to sleep now."
"No, that's- Harmony, that's not what I meant."
"That's what you just said."
"No, I know- But that came out all wrong. I just meant that I don't need you anym-"
"Thank you." Harmony waved at his words. He's just proved her point. She pulled the blanket onto her lap as she sat.
"Let me finish." He sat beside her but she scooted away. He raised an eyebrow at her and smiled. "It's not a matter of need anymore. I can do okay without you." His words didn't brighten her day at all. "But I don't want to. I've been afraid to tell you that because I thought you'd leave."
"Well, according to you, you'd do just fine if I did."
"I don't want you to." He shook his head and smiled. He reached out and covered her hand with his. "I'm afraid that, if you leave, I won't see you again not that I'll slip back into this downward spiral again."
"Bill, that's ridiculous. Of course you'd see me again. If you wanted." She frowned at him but didn't move her hand.
"I don't know- We're both, well- Done with each other. You don't need me anymore and I don't need you. But on the other hand, I do. Kind of."
"You don't need me, Bill."
"No, I don't know how to put that." He was quiet for a minute. "Like this song says, I'm so afraid to love you but I'm more afraid to lose you. That's why this song is perfect." He half smiled. "As cheesy as that sounds."
Harmony didn't say anything for a minute. She just pulled at the loose strings on the edge of her blanket. "Bill, I'm still fucked up."
"No, you're not." Bill shook his head. "You just have to stop thinking that way. You snapped me out of it. You need to snap yourself out too."
"Why would you want to lo- To, uh- Love someone like me?"
"Because, Harmony, you're just- I'm not sure. I can look at you and you know exactly what I'm thinking and you're just crazy enough to make me smile constantly and you don't take any crap from the guys and because when I think I'm going crazy, you set me straight." Bill smiled and traced her fingers with his.
"Then look at me. Let me see if I know what you're thinking." She challenged him. He leaned closed and stared her in the eye. He tried not to laugh as he did. She stared for a second then shook her head. "You know what? You're right. You are crazy." Bill laughed softly and looked down at her hands. He leaned closer and brought his lips only inches from hers. "Don't kiss me, Bill." Harmony said softly.
"Why?"
"Because." Harmony said though she didn't move. "That would ruin everything."
"I just want to say thank you for saving me. Again."
"Then shake my hand." She said as she looked him in the eye. He smiled and shook his head as he closed the distance and kissed her softly. At first Harmony didn't respond but after a second she closed he eyes and leaned into Bill. He placed his hand on the back of her neck and let her hair fall over his fingers as he continued to kiss her.
When Bill finally pulled back he smiled at her and leaned his forehead against hers. "Thank you."
Harmony laced her fingers through his on top of the blanket on her lap and whispered. "Thank you."
"I think I love you, Harmony." Bill said softly. He smoothed down her hair with his free hand and smiled at the surprised look on her face.
"No, you don't." She whispered back.
"I think so." He laughed lightly and drew his finger over her bottom lip. "I really think so." He repeated before he smiled and kissed her again.
Chapter Four