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Lifeline - Chapter Two

Harmony played with her necklace nervously as she stood in line at the Tokio Hotel signing. It had been a little more than a year since Bill was discharged from Ahoskie Behavioral. Harmony had kept in phone contact with him since then. At first it had been almost daily contact. She was discharged a month after Bill left. It then tapered off to once every week or two when she moved back in with her parents. By the time he started the tour with Tokio Hotel she and Bill had all but stopped calling.

Harmony decided to surprise Bill at his North Carolina concert to celebrate the one-year anniversary of her release. He had invited her to the Raleigh show but she wouldn't be able to make it that night. With her new job at Bath & Body Works, it was hard to get weekends off. She called his management and spoke with Benjamin Ebel. She arranged to drive down for the show in Greensboro.

As she got closer to the front of the line she could see that Georg was first. Gustav was beside him then Tom and finally Bill on the end. Harmony held the flimsy black and white photo in her hand as she wrapped a curl around her finger. Her hair had gotten longer since her days at Ahoskie Behavioral but other than that she hadn't changed.

"Hi. How are you?" Georg asked with a charming white smile.

"I'm, uh- Good. How are you?" She asked nervously.

Georg smiled as her voice shook. He thought it was so cute when fans were nervous. He reached for her picture and scrawled his name under his face. "Are you from Greensboro?" He asked.

"No." Harmony shook her head and forced a wobbly smile. "I'm from Raleigh."

"You drove down just for the show, huh?" Georg slid the photo over to Gustav who quickly signed it and smiled up at Harmony.

"Yeah." Harmony's hand began to shake as she moved down the table.

"Wicked." Georg grinned at the next girl in line and took her picture.

"So what's up?" Gustav asked as he leaned back in his chair. He had a small pile of stuffed animals on the floor behind him. Obviously gifts from fans.

"Nothing." Harmony nervously looked toward the head of the table. "This would be much easier if Bill was the first in line."

"You waiting for Tom?" Harmony laughed.

"Hmm? No." She shook her head and Gustav laughed again. "He's too young for me." She joked as she tried to calm her nerves.

"How old are you?"

"23." Harmony coughed lightly and crossed her arms over her chest. The line moved again and she found herself faced with Tom.

"Hi." He smiled. He focused all of his attention on her. "How are you?" He asked as he signed his name to the picture in front of him.

"I'm, uh- Good. You?" Harmony managed.

"I'm doing okay. Are you excited for the show?"

"Yeah." Harmony nodded and nervously smoothed her hair down again.

"You look nervous." Tom laughed lightly. "Don't be nervous."

"I just- It's been a while." She said softly but managed a smile.

"Since you've seen us?" Tom scratched his arm quickly and played with the cap of his pen.

Harmony met Tom's eye. "I'm from Ahoskie Behavioral." The look on Tom's face was classic. In just a few seconds confusion was replaced with astonishment.

"I- Whoa- Uh- Wow!" Tom blushed deeply as millions of thoughts ran through his mind. "If she was from Ahoskie Behavioral then she knew about Bill and if she knew about Bill that could be very, very bad."

"You must be pretty impressive to make Tom speechless." Bill laughed and reached for the picture.

"Bill-" Tom mumbled tugging at his brother's sleeve.

"Yeah?" Bill laughed and looked at Tom who quickly looked back at Harmony.

"Hi, Bill. Long time no see." Harmony said as the nervousness disappeared.

"Hi, Har-" He stopped mid-thought as his mind registered her image. "Harmony!" He stood up quickly which knocked his metal folding chair over. "Oh my God! What are you doing here?" He leaned over the table and pulled her in for a tight hug as the other girls in line stopped to watch the spectacle.

"I came to see you." She laughed as he nearly choked her.

"Wow! I figured you'd come to the Raleigh show if anything. Can you stay around? Afterward?" He asked as one of the security guards up-righted his chair behind him. He sat quickly and looked up at Harmony.

"After this?" Harmony looked around as the girls behind her frowned in her general direction.

"After the show. Are you staying here? In Greensboro?" Bill spoke quickly.

"I wasn't planning on it." Harmony shook her head and laughed. Bill looked as nervous as she had felt.

"Stay." He said softly. "Come hang out after the show so we can catch up. I haven't spoken to you in months."

"Are you sure?" She asked quietly.

"Yes!" Bill beamed. "Yes, I'm sure. Tobi!" He called over his shoulder. The large security guard came over. "Hey, Tobi. This is my friend Harmony. Can we get her a pass for tonight?"

"Sure." Tobi smiled and shook Harmony's hand. "It's nice to meet you, Harmony."

"Nice to meet you too." She smiled. She was still a little uneasy about touching other people.

"Come on over here." Tobi continued to smile as Harmony stepped around the edge of the table.

"Hey, don't forget your picture." Tom held it out to her as she walked by.

"Thanks." She smiled at Tom and followed the security guard.

-----------------------------

Harmony watched the concert from the pit just to the right of center stage. She was definitely impressed by the four young men on stage. She had, of course, heard of them before and had seen them on MTV and YouTube but having seen one of them pretty much at their lowest point in their life put them all in a whole new light.

Though this wasn't the type of music she usually listened to, she enjoyed the show and was as pumped up as anyone else there when the show ended. She hung around and waited as the floor cleared after the final encore before she walked up to the security guard at the side entrance. "Hi. I'm Harmony." She pulled out the laminated badge and handed it to the guy. "I'm supposed to-"

"They're expecting you in the dressing room." He said suddenly.

"I- Okay." She frowned and stepped around the barrier. "Where am I going?"

"Go straight down there and turn left at the end. You can't miss it." He pointed down a long concrete walkway.

She followed his directions and somehow missed it. "Excuse me." She stopped the first person she saw. "I'm looking for the dressing room, I think."

"I'm sorry, honey. You guys have to stay in the green room. You're not supposed to be out wandering around back here." The gruff security guard said as he approached her.

"No, wait! I'm Harmony. The guy out front said that I was expected in the-"

"Come on with me." He said as he pulled the sleeves of his bright yellow windbreaker up to his elbows.

"Hang on a second." Tobi said as he stepped around the corner. "Harmony?" He asked with a kind smile.

"Yes." She smiled. She was relieved to see a face she knew.

"I'm sorry. I should have come to get you." He shrugged and looked at the other security guard. "She's okay. I'll take it from here."

"Thanks." Harmony smiled and followed Tobi back down the hall she had just come from. He took her around another corner to the dressing room and knocked on the door.

"Here ya go." He smiled as Gustav opened the door and held it open.

"Hey, Tobi. What's up?" Gustav asked.

"This is Bill's friend Harmony. Is he in there?"

"Yeah." Gustav looked over his bare shoulder toward the huge clothes racks. "Bill? Your friend's here." He shouted. "Come in." Gustav smiled and hitched up the waist of his sweat pants.

"Thanks." Harmony smiled at Tobi who gave her a quick smile before he headed back down the hall. "Hi. I'm Harmony."

"Yeah, I remember you." He smiled and shut the door behind her. "Let me go get Bill and throw some clothes on." Gustav ran his hand down his bare chest and disappeared behind the clothing racks.

Harmony stood alone in the little room for a few minutes before Bill came out in his blue and orange nylon sweatpants and a plain T-shirt. He walked over to Harmony with a huge smile on his face and hugged her quickly, "It's so great to see you again. You look great." He said as his wet hair dripped water on her ear.

"Thanks. So do you. Wow, you guys really put on one hell of a show." Harmony said into his shoulder.

"Thanks. It's actually a lot of fun." He smiled as he took a step back.

"It looks like it." She laughed.

"I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last saw you. You haven't changed at all!" He laughed and looked her over casually.

"Yes, I have." She grinned.

"I, uh- I just mean you still look the same." He stumbled over his words. "So what are you doing here? I thought you'd come to the Raleigh show?"

"I couldn't get the weekend off. This is the only one I could make it to."

"Thanks for driving down." Bill couldn't stop himself from smiling.

"Old friend?" Georg asked as he walked into the room pulling a T-shirt over his head.

"Georg, this is Harmony. You've met." Bill said as he waved Harmony over to the little couch. They all sat down as Bill continued, "We met when I was at Ahoskie Behavioral. Remember we all went to lunch? Right after you and Tom crashed?"

"Oh. Yeah, that's right." Georg nodded.

"That was a great show tonight." Harmony smiled.

"Thanks." Georg smiled and ran his hands through his hair.

"So can you hang out tonight?" Bill asked.

"Here?" Harmony asked.

"At the hotel." Bill explained. "We don't leave here until 10 tomorrow."

"Sure. Yeah, we can do that."

"Cool." Bill smiled, "We have to ride over in our vans. Do you want to meet me there?"

"Where are you staying?"

"At the Greensboro Sheraton." Bill said as he looked at the daily itinerary on the table. "3121 High Point Road at I-40. Do you know where that is?"

"I can find it." She nodded. They made plans to meet at the elevators in an hour. Bill walked her to the back exit. He gave her another big hug before she slipped out the side door and made her way around the building back to her car.

An hour later Harmony was waiting patiently by the elevators. She was being watched by the hotel security. "You can't wait around in here unless you're a guest of the hotel." He finally said as he approached.

"I'm waiting for a friend." Harmony explained.

"Sure you are." The guard reached forward to grab her elbow.

She instinctively flinched away and cast him a dirty look. "If you'll give me five minutes, he'll be here."

"You can't be in here unless you're a guest of the hotel."

"How do you know that I'm not?"

"Let me see your room key."

"My friend has it which is why I am waiting here by the elevators." Harmony explained calmly. She removed her hands from her pockets and tried to smooth down the curls that had escaped her hair tie.

"You have five minutes." The guard said after a moment's pause.

She didn't need the five minutes. As soon as he turned around the girls waiting out front went crazy. Before Harmony could register what was going on the four young men, accompanied by their own security, rushed into the hotel lobby. The guard she recognized as Tobi herded the guys off to the side and passed out their room keys. He pointed toward the elevators with a quick shake of his head.

"Tom!" Tobi called after the group. Tom turned around to face Tobi while taking a few steps backwards. "I mean it. No going out tonight!" Tobi pointed at Tom and shook his head. Tom laughed and waved. He turned around and trotted to catch up with the others.

"Hey." Bill smiled and went to stand beside Harmony. "Can you come up for a bit?" He asked softly.

"Yeah." She nodded and looked at her watch.

"Do you have to leave at a certain time?"

"No." Harmony shook her head. "I was actually planning on driving back tonight."

"You can stay here if you want."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Bill smiled and stepped onto the elevator as the doors opened. The other guys piled in also followed by two members of their security team.

"Y M C A. It's fun to stay at the Y M C A, hey!" Tom sang from the back of the elevator. Georg joined in and they did the arm motions. They cracked themselves up.

"We seriously can't go out tonight?" Gustav whined and repeatedly hit the button for the 9th floor.

"You seriously can't go out tonight." The guard standing behind Bill said.

"Can we just go to the lobby?" Gustav asked hopefully. He knew that if they got that far they could make it out the door.

"How often is it that you guys get ten straight hours to sleep? Use it." The elevator dinged as it stopped on their floor and they filed off.

"Bill, if you need the rest you can just call me when you get to Raleigh or something." Harmony said softly. She followed cautiously behind Bill down the hall.

"Wait! How come Bill gets to bring entertainment up with him?" Gustav asked.

"Because she was there. I didn't see anyone lined up waiting for you." The guard said. Georg laughed and unlocked the first door on the right.

"G'night. It was nice to see you again, Harmony." He waved over his shoulder and covered his mouth as he yawned.

"This sucks." Gustav said as he unlocked his room.

"Come on down to my room." Tom said and nodded across the hall. "We can party in there." He laughed.

"I swear you complain about never getting to sleep and here you are with ten hours available and you wanna party. You get no more sympathy from me." The guard laughed and shook his head as he leaned against the wall beside Tom's room.

"You say that like we get sympathy now." Bill smiled and slid his key in the lock. Harmony shyly slipped into the room and Bill followed behind her. "They're crazy. You'll have to forgive them for it. They're running on empty."

"It's okay." Harmony laughed uneasily and walked across the room to the window on the opposite side. She pulled the drape back and looked out to the street where there was still a small group of girls.

"Tell me about your new job." Bill scratched his stomach through his thin shirt and flopped down on his stomach across the bed.

"It's nothing big. I'm a clerk at Bath & Body Works." Harmony explained as she breathed onto the glass and drew an 'S' in the fog.

"That's better than nothing." Bill smiled.

"I know." Harmony nodded and dropped her purse to the floor. She smiled and turned to face Bill. "It's better than the crazy house, huh?"

"You can say that again." Bill nodded. "How are things at home? I know last time we talked you were living with your parents."

"Yeah." Harmony laughed, "Would you believe we're going to Dr. Mueller for family counseling?"

"Are you serious?" Bill smiled. "That's good though. She really is a big help."

"I know." Harmony smiled and nodded. "She helped me too. She, um- She let me know that you helped with that."

"I- I helped? How?"

"By telling her that I needed to know that she believed in me. That she thought I could really get better."

"I thought you said there was nothing wrong with you?" He smiled as he tossed her old line back at her.

"There was a lot wrong with me." She smiled sadly. "But I really think that I've worked through a lot of that shit, you know? I just wanted to say thank you."

"Aww, you don't-"

"Because I need to Bill." She looked up at him. "I never really told you thank you for everything you've done for me."

"I really haven't done-"

"Bill, let me finish." Harmony laughed nervously. "After you left I started keeping a journal. I saw that you were keeping one while you were there and I guess I thought that if it worked for you then maybe it could work for me." She smiled and pulled the clasp back on her purse. "I brought it here. For you."

"Harmony, you don't have to give that to me."

"I don't want it any more." She shook her head. "It's the past and I don't want to revisit that time again." She handed the plain wire bound notepad to Bill and blushed. "Not that you want to read it necessarily but, Bill, you changed my life completely. Just being my friend and forcing me to think about things. I know that I resisted you at first. A lot." She laughed at the memories. "But I only did that because I didn't think I was worthy of your friendship. No matter how screwed up you were."

"This is personal stuff." He held the notebook gently in his hands.

"Yes, it is." She nodded slowly. "But there's no one else on earth that would understand it. And a lot of it has to do with you." She looked down at her lap.

"With me?"

"Yes." She said softly. "It's, uh- Stuff I want you to know. I just, uh- Don't know how to say it."

"So you want me to read it?" Bill ran his finger over the coiled binding.

"Yes." Harmony nodded.

"Now?" He reached for the cover.

"No." She said quickly and smiled up at him. "No, you can wait till I leave."

"You know, Harmony, you helped me too." Bill said a minute later. She looked at him kind of shocked and he laughed. "I'm really amazed that we never really talked about this before."

"I helped you?" She laughed. "How? By treating you like shit and calling you names? Yeah, Bill, I can see how that helps."

"No, you really did." He smiled along with her. "You got me thinking about how I could help you. That's what helped me. Thinking of someone else. Does that make any sense?"

"You always make sense, Bill."

"Yeah, right." He rolled his eyes and put his hands behind his head. "So how is your therapy going with your parents?"

"It's okay. Dr. Mueller is still half nuts but we're making progress, I think. They actually realize that I'm their daughter."

"That's good." Bill nodded.

"But I'm moving out actually."

"You are? That's great. Where are you moving to?"

"Not far. I mean I'm staying near Raleigh."

"By yourself?" Bill asked with a look of concern.

"Yeah." Harmony nodded. "Actually, do you remember Cassey?"

"Yeah, the quiet girl with the short blonde hair right?"

"Yeah, Sophie's friend." Harmony played with the cuff of her sweater. "She helped me find an apartment in her building."

"You guys are going to live in the same building?" Bill couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah. We're going to call it Ahoskie Yard." Harmony laughed and played with her hands in her lap.

"So have you heard from anyone else?" Bill asked.

"Dr. Mueller does." Harmony said softly. "Fynn is still there. She's not sure he'll ever get to leave. They might have to move him to a long term care facility."

"The one who doesn't talk?"

"Yeah." Harmony took a deep breath and said. "Jonas killed himself."

"You're kidding." Bill's face fell. "My God. When?"

"A week after he left. He was supposed to come back for the group session, you know, to celebrate. But his mom found him in the garage that morning."

"Wow. When?"

"March." She frowned.

"Wow." Bill shook his head. "How long have you been out now? It's been a while, huh?"

"One year."

"That's awesome." He smiled and reached across the table for her hands.

"Today." She blushed shyly.

"One year today?" His eyebrows shot up and he squeezed her hands.

"Yeah." She nodded and looked down at their hands.

"Harmony, that's great! We should do something to celebrate!" He stood up and pulled her into a hug. "Congratulations! Doesn't this feel great?!"

She instinctively wanted to back away but Bill's arms held her close and she found herself leaning toward him. "Yeah." She sighed and smiled.

"Well come on! Let's go out and celebrate! Get a drink or something."

"No. Bill, we don't need to do anything." She shook her head as he pulled her hand toward the door.

"Harmony, you deserve this." He smiled. "And I never get to go out. Humor me." He tugged her hand again and she reluctantly gave in.

"You realize, of course, that it's like three in the morning, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Bill shut the door quietly behind them and led her down the hall to the elevators. He said something to the security guard and stepped onto the elevator dragging Harmony behind him.

"Are you allowed to just leave?" She asked nervously.

"No." He smiled flirtatiously. "Kinda like Ahoskie Behavioral, huh? We can't just leave when we want."

"Well, did you tell them you were going?"

"I told him that we were going to grab a bite to eat downstairs."

"So he knows you're leaving then." She looked relieved.

"Kinda. We're not just going downstairs though." He smiled at her expression and practically pulled her off the elevator on the lobby floor.

"Bill, wait." She stopped walking and used herself as an anchor as Bill tried to walk away. "We can't just leave."

"Harmony." Bill stopped and moved closer to her. He tilted her chin up to meet his eye and said softly. "We can go wherever we want."

She looked at him. She wasn't sure about leaving. "But, Bill, if you're not supposed-"

"Come on." He gave her a little half smile and led her toward the exit. She followed reluctantly and couldn't wash the look of concern off of her face.

She'd been 'out' for a year and still always felt like she couldn't break any rules. She wasn't exactly afraid of being sent back but then that was a thought that was always in her head. Bill and Harmony walked down to the sidewalk and he looked both ways up and down the street. The only lights that were on down either side was a gas station a block to the left and a Dunkin Donuts down to the right.

"Donuts?" Bill asked softly.

"Sure." Harmony nodded. They walked down the street hand in hand in silence to the donut shop. Bill paid for a half dozen donuts and two containers of milk.

They sat in the far corner of the shop to a little table in the back. Bill opened the donut bag and handed her the Boston Creme and chocolate milk. He opened his milk container and raised it toward her. "Here's to one good year and many many more to come. Congratulations, Harmony. The first year is the hardest and I'm so proud of you!" He smiled and touched containers with her.

Harmony laughed. "Thank you, Bill." She shook her head and brushed her hair off her forehead. "You have a year too though so congratulations to you. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." Bill blushed. He wasn't lying. The first year was the hardest and he was really proud to have made it through without a mishap. A month ago his anniversary had passed unnoticed by anyone other than him. They were in some random city in the US and he had celebrated by himself in his room with a croissant and a Coke float from room service. He'd thought about Harmony that entire night but it was too late to call her. He knew she'd have been asleep already. That was one reason he wanted to do something for Harmony to acknowledge her achievement.

They sat and nibbled on donuts for a while just staring out the windows. Harmony appeared lost in thought as Bill casually looked over at her. Her hair was just as unruly as it always had been. A blonde curl rested across her cheek but she didn't seem to notice.

Bill sat with his hand held firmly in hers and just stared at her profile. He tried not to be obvious about it but it wasn't easy. After a few minutes, Harmony asked, "Is there something hanging out of my nose?"

"No." Bill smiled and Harmony kept her eyes forward. "I'm really glad you're doing so well, Harmony."

Harmony turned slowly and faced Bill. She gave him a slow half smile. "Me too." She squeezed his hand and tucked her feet up under her so that she was sitting cross-legged in her chair. "So how has this past year been for you? I mean, really?"

"It's been good." Bill nodded and sighed softly. "It was hard but it's been good."

"Do the other guys help?"

"No. They pretty much don't like to talk about it. Which I understand." He shrugged and looked down at his shoes.

"But, Bill, talking about it is what helps you heal. Are you seeing a shrink or anything?"

"Nope." He shook his head. "We were all seeing this guy named Mark at the beginning but when the tour started things just got kinda outta hand."

"Bill." Harmony frowned.

"I know." He smiled sheepishly. "I know."

"Like Dr. Mueller says, getting out is only the start of your healing."

"I know." He caught her eye and smiled.

"In other words, you've got to finish this off, Bill." Harmony shook her head. "You think you're fine and I know you are but you have to be able to talk about it with someone other than me."

Bill nodded softly and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. Harmony pulled his left hand up onto her lap and slowly turned the cuff of his sleeve back. Bill instinctively tried to pull his hand back. He was afraid someone would see his scars but Harmony looked up and caught his eyes. "Come on, Bill." She said softly. He relaxed and let her move the sleeve up to expose his wrist. The two small scars were barely visible in the darkness but Harmony knew what to look for.

She held his wrist in her lap and just stared at the jagged white lines on his skin. Bill's pulse was visible just above the fist cut as Harmony took her free hand and traced the scars with her fingertip. "Has anyone seen these?"

"No." Bill whispered as he shook his head.

"No one?" She asked.

"No." Bill said softly as tears crept up in his eyes. He hadn't shown anyone and no one had asked to see them. Everyone treated Bill's stay at Ahoskie Behavioral as if it had never happened. For a while they walked on eggshells around him but, before he knew it, they were all back to normal. No one gave a second thought as to how close Bill had come to succeeding. And how far he had to go to get better. He hadn't wanted to make a big deal about it but he hadn't wanted it to be forgotten either.

Harmony slowly lifted Bill's wrist to her lips and kissed his scars softly. "You can't hide them forever you know." Bill nodded and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. "Wrist bands won't always be in fashion." She smiled and laced her fingers through his. This time she would be the one to help him. She would be his friend.

-----------------------------

Harmony slowly lifted Bill's wrist to her lips and kissed his scars softly. "You can't hide them forever you know." Bill nodded and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. "Wrist bands won't always be in fashion." She smiled and laced her fingers through his. This time she would be the one to help him. She would be his friend.

"I know." He gave a short laugh as he wiped his eyes quickly on his other sleeve. "No one has seen those at all since I left. Even back then no one really saw." He took a deep breath and looked at Harmony out of the corner of his eye. "When did you become a counselor?"

"A few months ago actually." She said a few seconds later.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really?!"

"Yeah. At Ahoskie Behavioral. I go a few times a month to talk to some of the kids there. Like a success story which is stupid actually because I'm practically as fucked up as half of the people in there."

"No, you're doing really well."

"I have my days." She shrugged. "I don't counsel them really. I just go and tell what happened to me. Dr. Mueller loves it because she knows I don't sugar coat anything. They hear exactly what I went through and how I started to get better." Bill looked at her with a flicker or worry in his eyes. "No, I don't tell them you helped me." She smiled and squeezed his hand that was still in hers. "No names. It's one of Dr. Mueller's rules." She rolled her eyes.

Bill sighed and shifted his weight to get more comfortable. "I'm glad you're here. I didn't realize how much I missed having someone really understand me, you know? To know what it's actually like to- To- I don't know." He shrugged.

"You haven't talked to the other guys at all?"

"No." He shook his head again. "Harmony, they just wouldn't get it. They don't want to understand and I don't want to explain it to them."

"You need to let them see you at your lowest. According to you they know what happened but they haven't seen the hardcore proof."

"They've seen me." Bill shook his head.

"Not at your absolute lowest, Bill."

"Tom has."

"No, Bill I don-"

"He found me, Harmony." Bill looked up quickly. "He- He's the one who found me." He said softly. "He has seen me at the lowest. He has seen me below my lowest. I can't make him go back there. I can't show him my scars and make him go back to that moment when he saw me like that. Harmony, I just can't do that to him. He's my brother."

"Tom found you? Your twin?" Harmony asked a minute later.

"Yeah." Bill nodded and looked out the window.

"Have you talked to him about that?"

"No." He shook his head slowly. "How could I?"

"You need to, Bill."

"What on earth could I say?" Bill asked softly as tears rose in his eyes again. He'd thought about talking to Tom countless times but had chickened out each time.

"You could ask him how he felt." She suggested.

"I know how he felt. He felt scared shitless, angry, panicked, desperate, sad. That's how I would have feel if I ever-" Bill's stomach turned at the thought. "If I ever found him like that."

"Yeah, Bill. He felt all of that but, above all of that, he felt guilty." Harmony lay her hand on Bill's arm and rubbed gently. "Which is exactly how you'd feel if, God forbid, you ever found him in the same position." Bill nodded wordlessly. He knew she was right but he couldn't live with knowing that Tom had felt guilty about something completely stupid that he'd done to himself. "I'm sure you've said you're sorry. I know you have, Bill. But have you told him that it wasn't his fault?"

Bill shook his head again and let out a shaky breath. "No. And bringing it up now would just open up old wounds."

"They aren't so old." Harmony scooted closer to Bill and rested her hand on his shoulder. "If you need help, Bill, I can try. I figure I owe you one."

"I think I can do it on my own."

"No, you can't, Bill." Harmony whispered.

Bill wiped his eyes and sighed. He knew Harmony was right, in his heart he knew that she was. But that didn't make anything any easier. Her being right didn't change the fact that if Bill sat the guys down and showed them his lowest everything would change.

They sat in the donut shop and watched the sunrise. They collected their trash and yawned as they walked back to the hotel. "I meant what I said, Bill."

"I know. I need to tell them."

"I mean about letting me know if you need help. I think, for once, I may be less messed up than you." She smiled. She hadn't meant it as a put down but she felt him tense up beside her. "I just- I mean that for once I can help you. If you want it or need it."

"Thanks." Bill nodded cordially and held the door to the lobby open for her.

"You'll be in Raleigh this weekend, right?" Harmony asked.

"Yeah."

"Will you call me when you get there? Or give me a way to contact you?"

"You have my cell number."

"The one I have has been disconnected." Harmony explained as they stopped in front of the elevators.

"Oh. Yeah, I forgot about that." He smiled quickly. "I'll call you when we get into town."

"Okay." Harmony looked down and shuffled her feet. "I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing back there. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything."

"No. It's okay." Bill caught her eye. "You're right. I just need to think about what to do next." Harmony looked down and stuck her hands in her pockets. "Hey." He reached out and tilted her chin up to meet his eyes. "Thank you, Harmony. Just seeing you has made me realize that I'm not as okay as I had fooled myself into thinking. And I mean that in a good way." He smiled slowly and let his finger linger on her chin. He had an incredible urge to kiss her and the feeling shocked him. He blushed quickly and dropped his hand as he cleared his throat. "I will definitely call you when I get to Raleigh. We need to keep in touch better."

"Yeah." Harmony smiled with relief and glanced over her shoulder at the door as a small group of girls filed into the lobby. "I'd better let you go."

"Yeah." He nodded and followed her gaze. "Thanks again. Harmony. I'll see you soon." He wrapped his arms around her in a friendly embrace and said goodbye.

-----------------------------

Three short hours later Bill was lying in his bunk on the bus headed toward Charlotte, North Carolina. He lay on his stomach trying to read an old issue of Maxim but after the third time though it just didn't hold his interest any more. He sighed and reached for the small spiral bound notebook in his bag. It was well worn and had stars erased into the cover with a 'S' written in silver marker on the corner. Bill stared at the journal for a few minutes as the bus lurched and shook while it entered the freeway.

He traced the edge of the cover and debated opening it. It was her own personal journal and Bill knew from experience that journals were not meant for other people to read. But she had asked him to keep it and to read it. It was her gift to him. He was obligated to at least skim through it. At least that's what his mind told him.

He flipped the cover open and smoothed down the front page.

-----------------------------

Dear Diary,

Tuesday 2 pm

How lame does that sound? What am I? 12? Anyway I saw that Bill kept a diary. Or journal. Or notepad. Whatever. He's gone so maybe that had something to do with it. Besides Dr. Mueller said that writing helps heal the soul (which I think is bullshit) and if I write in here I can skip one of my one-on-one sessions a week. Anything that'll get me out of that little office is good enough for me so here we go.

I hate this place. I've hated it since the day I got here. Bill was the only part that made it interesting and now he's gone too. He left a week ago and this place has sucked since. He calls all the time which is kind of annoying and not at the same time.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing in here. Hi. I'm Harmony and I'm a suicide failure. Actually Dr. Mueller said I shouldn't say that (like it matters). I didn't fail at suicide... I succeeded at life. Which, again, is bullshit. I haven't succeeded at anything.

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill smiled. He could hear the sarcasm and inflection of Harmony in the words. She wrote like she talked and he could actually hear her saying those words as he read them. Bill smiled and turned the page to keep reading. He lost feeling that he was violating any of her privacy. It felt more like he was seeing the real Harmony. The one she had hidden until then.

-----------------------------

Dear Diary,

Thursday 3:04 am

Yep. It's 3 in the fucking morning and I'm awake. Why? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. Yeah, I know you're a book and probably don't do much guessing but play along with me here. I can't sleep which is why I'm awake. Simple answer to a simple question.

Bill called tonight. Again. I swear, sometimes I just feel like telling him I don't feel like talking but I know he thinks it helps so why burst his little bubble? On the other hand he gives a damn so that's cool.

Oh oh oh! You wanna know what else is cool? Dr. Mueller isn't even going to read this. She said as long as I'm writing in you at all that counts. As far as she knows I could be writing commercial jingles in here. She doesn't care. Ha! I can say whatever I want! I tend to find thrills in the simplest things now. Maybe I AM going nuts? What do you think?

That's right. You're a book. You don't think.

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill read through a few more entries before his eyes drifted closed and he lay his head on the white lined paper.

-----------------------------

Bill called Harmony when they got to Raleigh and made plans for her to come to the hotel after work one of the nights they were there. With her work schedule she wasn't able to get there before nine at night and most of the guys had gone out to party.

"Hi! Have you talked to them yet?" Harmony smiled as Bill opened his hotel room door.

"Hi! I'm fine. Thank you for asking. I love your shoes." Bill said sarcastically as he pulled her in for a hug. "I haven't had time to talk to them."

"Six hours on the bus wasn't enough time?" Harmony raised an eyebrow at him.

"Five hours. And no." Bill shut the door behind them. He sat on the edge of the bed. "How was work?"

"Don't change the subject." Harmony frowned.

"I don't want to talk about that right now." Bill sighed. "It's been a long day and all I want is a nice visit with an old friend and some mindless conversation. That's it."

"Then maybe I should go." Harmony stood up.

"Come on, Harmony. I didn't mean for you to go." Bill stood up quickly. "We're friends. Not doctor and patient. I want to talk to you as a friend."

That was still new to Harmony. She could talk to a doctor and as a counselor but when it came to talking as friends, she wasn't sure exactly what to say. "Where are the others?"

"Tom's in his room. He said he wanted to come with us to get some dessert at the rooftop restaurant." Bill smiled. "By the way, we're going to get dessert."

"Sounds good to me." Harmony smiled up at him and blinked slowly as if trying to focus on him. Without even realizing it, she had just flirted with him. She ran her finger along the edge of the plastic badge she'd been given and scratched her fingernail over it as she looked away.

Bill cleared his throat and scratched his arm quickly. He definitely noticed the accidental flirt. "Do you want to go now? Are you hungry?" Bill asked as he looked toward the door.

"Sure. If you want to."

"We don't have to go right now. We can go later if you want." He said quickly.

Harmony laughed at his nervousness. "Bill, what's going on here?

"Wh- What?"

She gave him a look and tried not to laugh. "You- You're acting all weird."

He paused for a second and looked her over slowly. She stood beside the little table in her jeans and baby blue polo shirt. Her blonde hair was curling madly around her round face and she didn't wear even a hint of make up. In the back of his mind all Bill could hear was that stupid song that Tom listened to, "She look so good she don't need no make up on..." He blushed deeply and shook his head to get the song out. This was Harmony he was thinking about, not some hot girl on the road. Not some random pretty girl. This was Harmony. Plain ol' messed up Harmony.

"I'm, uh- Acting weird?"

"Yes." She laughed lightly and shook her head. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were nervous."

"Hmm." Bill shrugged and dug in his pockets to look for his room key.

"Wait. Bill, you're nervous? Wh- Why? Around me?"

"I'm not nervous." He said too quickly.

"Yes, you are! You're nervous. What is that about? Is everything okay?" She reached out to touch him as he turned to the door. She accidentally mistook the movement for him flinching away from her. "Wait, Bill-"

"I'll go get Tom and meet you in the hall?"

"Hang on." Harmony walked around the table and touched his arm softly. She forced him to look at her. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." He shook his head.

"You're nervous around me all of a sudden. Five minutes ago you were fine."

"It's just-" He looked away for a second as the blush continued its creep toward his ears. "Did you- Were you just flirting with me?"

Harmony choked a laugh back and tilted her head to the side. "That would make you nervous? Bill, I'm sure you have millions of girls out there flirting with you."

"Well, yeah, but that I actually-" He stopped himself and licked his lips. "You're Harmony though."

"I'm unflirtable?"

"No." He cleared his throat again. "Were you?"

"Not to my knowledge. No." She lied.

"See? I just made an ass out of myself." He reached for the door and pulled it open.

"Is that the most terrible thing in the world?"

"Around here it is." He shrugged and stepped out into the hall as she followed.

"What if I had been flirting? Then what?"

Bill shrugged and forced his plastic smile at her. "I don't know. But you weren't."

"It's amazing how he can go from 'insecure weirdo' to 'glamor boy Bill' in mere seconds." Harmony thought to herself. She laughed and shook her head as she followed him down the hall. Talk about your surreal episodes.

They went and got Tom and headed to the roof top restaurant for a late night dessert. Tom ordered a huge banana split while Harmony and Bill chose the cheesecake. They all made small talk as they ate but Harmony mostly listened to the two boys talk back and forth. The casual observer would be able to tell these guys were very close. That much was clear but what wasn't as clear to the outside eye was the look of admiration in Tom's eye.

Harmony saw it and she knew Bill did too. Seeing that helped Harmony understand why Bill was so afraid of failing in front of Tom. If the others looked at him the same way that would be an almost unbearable weight to carry. He was human. He was going to fail and he had failed. But as his loyal devoted brothers had forgotten that or overlooked it. Either way, he was omnipotent to them.

"Excuse me." Bill lay his napkin on the table and stood up slowly when he was done. "I'll be right back." He said as he headed to the men's room.

"He's looking pretty good, huh?" Tom asked. "Since you saw him last."

"I saw him a few days ago in Greensboro." Harmony explained.

"I mean before that." Tom smiled weakly and stirred his melted ice cream around the bowl.

Harmony shrugged and watched intently as he pushed a chocolate sprinkle around in the shallow ice cream. "I guess."

"He does." Tom looked up and met her eye over the bowl. "He's gotten a lot better. I don't even think he's thought about- About that- In months."

"You'd be surprised." Harmony said softly. Tom went back to concentrating on his spoon as Harmony took a deep breath. "You know, a month ago it was his one year anniversary."

"Of what? Trying to off himself?"

"Of getting better. Of leaving Ahoskie Behavioral." Harmony explained. "It was a big deal to him. It was proof that he'd made it through one of the hardest years of his life. Do you know what he did to celebrate? Nothing."

"Should we have had a party?" Tom asked sarcastically. It was a natural defense mechanism for him. Anything to lighten to topic or make it go away. Humor and sarcasm could make any discussion not quite as serious.

"No." Harmony shook her head. "But someone could have mentioned that they were proud of him. Or that he looked great. Or something. For my one year anniversary, Bill took me out to get donuts. That's nothing, right? But he acknowledged my accomplishment."

"He never told us when it was a year." Tom stopped stirring and looked up at Harmony. "He could have said something."

"He didn't want to bring it up because he thought you'd all forgotten about the whole thing."

"We haven't." Tom shook his head. "I haven't anyway." He looked over Harmony's shoulder towards the door as tears formed in the corner of his eyes. These were memories he'd been chasing away for too long. "I won't ever forget." He shook his head and sniffed as he looked back at Harmony.

"Tom, it's not- It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done to make what happened not happen." Harmony said softly as she reached across the table for his hands.

He pulled away before she touched him and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes, there is." He set his jaw and stared at her over the dishes. "If I had been there three minutes earlier- If he'd said something before about what a shitty time he was having- If I'd have fucking asked about him-" Tom shook his head and angrily wiped at his eyes. "We all saw it and no one did anything. We didn't say a damn thing."

"There was-"

"Stop saying that! Yes, there was something we could have done. I'm his twin brother for fuck's sake! I should have known!"

"I'm sorry if I've overstepped my boundaries. I wasn't trying to upset you."

"You did overstep your boundaries. And I think you underestimate the bond between us. Not just the band but between me and Bill. That is nothing you could ever even possibly understand." Tom stood up and placed his napkin beside his bowl. "Good night." He said quickly before sauntering toward the exit.

"Where'd Tom go?" Bill asked as he came back to the table.

"He, uh- He's calling it a night." Harmony said as she arranged her fork on her small plate.

"Really? Hmm, I hope he's okay." Bill pulled his wallet out and left a twenty-dollar bill on the table. He nodded toward the exit. "Ready?"

"Sure." Harmony stood up and dropped her napkin on her chair. She followed Bill back to his room.

They ended up staying awake until after two in the morning. Bill suggested Harmony stay the night in his extra bed. "If I say yes are you going to go all weird on me again?" She asked playfully.

"No." Bill smiled and blushed as he shook his head.

"Then I'd love to stay. Thanks."

"We're having breakfast down the hall in the morning if you want to stay for that."

"I think I can squeeze breakfast in. Sure." She pulled the blankets back on the unmade bed and crawled beneath the covers as Bill turned off the light. She waited a few minutes for him to get settled and whispered, "You know, the sooner you show them the scars on your wrist, the sooner you'll start to be okay with everyone."

"I'm okay with everyone."

"No. You think you are but you still can't bear to have anyone see you at less than your best. You can't live like that."

"I know." Bill nodded.

"Okay, I'm done preaching. Good night Bill."

"G'night Harmony." Bill yawned and fell right to sleep.

-----------------------------

When Harmony woke up the next morning Bill was already in the shower and apparently having a hard time in there. In the time it took her to sit up and reach for her shoes she heard half a dozen things drop. Harmony frowned and knocked on the door. "You okay in there?"

"Yeah." Bill shouted back. "I have soap all over my hands and everything's slippery." He laughed.

"Thanks for sharing. That image will take me through the rest of the week." She laughed.

"Hey. There's food two doors down on the left. If you want to go help yourself. I'll be done in a minute."

Harmony glanced at her watch. She had to be at work in two hours and it would take at least an hour for her to go home and change. "It's okay if I just show up down there?"

"Yeah, they won't care. Tom will be there. He knows you."

"He doesn't like me much." Harmony mumbled.

"What?" Bill poked his head out of the shower.

"Nothing. I'll meet you down there, okay?"

"Yeah. See you in like ten minutes." He shut the shower door again and finished rinsing off as Harmony tried to run her fingers through her hair.

It wasn't going to work so instead of fighting with it, she let her hair go and headed down to get some breakfast.

-----------------------------

Bill pulled on a T-shirt and took a deep breath as he glanced at himself in the mirror. "You can do it. It's just the guys. It's just the guys." He quickly turned his wrists upward and looked down at the scars. To him they stood out like chalk lines drawn on a black chalkboard. He knew it was time to stop hiding them from the guys. He'd done everything he could for the last year to keep his hands in his pockets or wear long sleeves or wear big bracelets and watches or just to be sure his hands were at his sides. But now he had to show them to make them see.

He only had to try to convince himself of that. Harmony had done her best and finally had talked him into doing it. Now that he was actually heading out the door to do it, he couldn't make his legs move.

"Damn it. It's just breakfast." Bill looked up at himself in the mirror. "Breakfast." He forced a smile and took another deep breath to try to calm his nerves. He looked away and grabbed his room key before he could change his mind.

Bill made his way slowly down the hall to the suite where breakfast was set up. He stood in the doorway for a minute without being noticed. Harmony finally looked up from the bagel tray and smiled. "Good morning, sunshine."

Bill flinched as if she'd pinched him. He looked at her with a new fear in his eyes. His hands were at his sides completely uncovered and exposed for everyone to see. With each step he took into the room his heart rate sped up and he found it harder and harder to breathe. By the time he made it to the buffet table, Tom and Harmony were giving him weird looks.

"Bill? Are you okay?" Tom asked softly as he reached for Bill's arm.

Beads of sweat broke out on Bill's forehead as he shied away from Tom and looked up at Harmony three feet away. "Harmony." Bill said softly as the sound of blood rushing in his ears deafened him.

"It's okay. Come on." She set her plate on the buffet table and grabbed Bill's hand as he started to shake.

"Is he okay?" Georg asked with a concerned look.

"He'll be fine." Harmony said as she pulled Bill into the bedroom behind her. Bill sprang like a released jack-in-the-box and crossed the room in two quick steps as Harmony shut the door tight behind them.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" He asked quickly as he paced the room in front of her.

"You're having a panic attack." Harmony said calmly as she leaned against the door.

"I can't breath." Bill gasped for air and continued to pace.

"Yes, you can." She watched without concern as he sat quickly and took several deep breaths and attempted to wipe his brow with his shaky hands.

"Why can't I do this?"

"You can." Harmony nodded and sat beside him on the bed. He desperately reached for her hand and closed his eyes.

"They all know. I'm not gonna tell them anything they don't already know. I don't know what my problem is."

"You're asking them to acknowledge it. To accept it. To accept that you're not perfect and that you have failed." Harmony said softly.

"They've seen me fail." He said bitterly.

"No, Bill. Not like this. I've seen you over the last few weeks. You are so afraid of people seeing you at any less than your best. You can't even fathom your friends and especially your brother seeing the result of you at your lowest."

"I'm not at my lowest." He shook his head.

"No but you were and you didn't show them. They never saw and they never knew. Yeah, they knew the basics but never anything more than that. They never knew why or what was going on with you. Maybe it's your fault for not making them listen or maybe it's their fault for not asking."

"It's not their fault." Bill whispered.

"Then it's your responsibility to make it right. You have to do this for you, Bill. They will go on not knowing until you do something to show them. They need to see the scars to make it real to them. You going away for a month was a paid vacation for them. Sure they knew where you were and why but, without the tangible evidence for them to lay their hands on, it's too easy for them to just sweep it under a rug."

"We had to move on."

"I'm not saying they're bad people. In fact I think they're the best thing in the world for you. They didn't ask to see because they didn't want to. You're the pillar of strength around here. For them to admit to themselves that you, of all people, could break down like that. What would that say about them?"

"That they were just as susceptible."

"Right." Harmony squeezed his hand. "All of you have a lot of healing to do."

"Harmony- I just can't-"

"Yes, you can." She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. "Who are you most afraid to show?"

"All of them." Bill whispered.

"You don't have to do it all at once."

"I know."

"Who will be the hardest to show?"

"T-Tom." Bill whispered. He closed his eyes tight as a tear escaped from the corner. Without a word Harmony released his hand and stood to open the door, "No- Harmony, no." Bill said quickly.

"Tom? Can you come in her please?" Harmony called from the doorway.

"Hmm? Yeah." Tom sat his bowl down and wiped his mouth before walking to the door. "Yeah?"

"Come in." Harmony held the door open for him. She shut it behind him.

"Harmony-" Bill said from the bed. He'd tucked his hands in his pockets as he stared at the floor.

"What- What's going on?" Tom asked with a cautious smile.

"Bill needs to show you something." Harmony sat on the bed beside Bill and forcefully pulled his hand out of his pocket.

"What?" Tom stood in front of Bill and crossed his arms over his chest. "Whoa, what's wrong?" He asked quickly as he noticed the tears in Bill's eyes.

"Come on, Bill." Harmony said softly as she wrapped her free arm around his waist. "If you can show Tom you can show them all." She whispered.

"What's going on?" Tom asked. For the first time he actually felt scared.

Bill pulled his left hand from his pocket and held his arm out towards Tom, palm up. He closed his eyes and dropped his head as he started to cry and shake. "What?" Tom looked at Harmony for help. He was missing something here. "What Bill?" Tom took Bill's hand and held it tightly.

"Look." Bill said as he pulled is hand out of Tom's and held his wrist up.

"Bill-" Tom went pale as he realized what he was looking at.

"It's real, Tom." Bill said softly.

"I know." Tom nodded as he sat beside Bill and stared at his wrist.

"No, you don't." Bill shook his head.

"Yes, I do." Tom nodded and looked Bill in the eye. "I found you. Remember?"

"But after- After everything." Bill shook his head. "I'm not okay, Tom."

"You're not? Bill you ca-"

"No." Bill said quickly. He looked Tom in the eye. "No, I'm not thinking about anything like that." He shook his head and smiled slightly, "I just mean that I'm not okay. It may have been more than a year ago but I'm not magically all better. Ahoskie Behavioral helped a lot but I don't think I was ready to leave."

"But, Bill, we're right in the middle of-"

"I'm not going back." Bill interrupted him. "I'm just saying that I need you guys to be okay with the fact that I- That I tried to kill myself. I know that consciously you all know that. But you guys don't really know it."

"What can we do?"

"I don't know." Bill shook his head and wiped his eyes quickly. "But I have to be able to show my scars."

"You can barely see them." Tom looked again.

"I know but I've been hiding them for more than a year."

"Bill, you know you don't have to hide anything."

"I'm not going to anymore."

"Can you help Bill?" Harmony asked Tom. He'd almost forgotten she was there.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course. Anything I can do. You know that."

"I have to go public." Bill said suddenly.

"Wait. Bill, I didn't mean-" Harmony started.

"Not right this second but eventually." Bill explained with a sudden surge of courage.

"You don't have to commit to anything that big right now." Harmony squeezed his hand.

"I know." Bill nodded.

"Do you want me to get the other guys?" Tom asked.

Bill cleared his throat and thought for a second before taking a deep breath. "Yeah."

Tom stood up and went into the other room and Harmony smiled up at Bill. "You did it."

"Yeah." Bill smiled and let out a shaky breath. "God, I really thought I was going to lose it for a minute." He laughed nervously and took another deep breath. "Thanks for making me do this."

"The first step is the hardest." Harmony rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry if I started sounding like Dr. Mueller. I guess that's what I get for hanging around her all this time, huh?"

"I don't think I would have been able to do that by myself."

"Sure you would." Harmony smiled and squeezed his hand that was still in hers. Tom walked in followed by the other guys and shut the door.

Gustav stood against the wall with a half-eaten bagel in one hand and a glass of orange juice in the other. "What's up?" He asked.

Harmony looked from the guys to Bill and raised her eyebrow at him. "A year ago I tried to kill myself." Bill said softly. He paused for a second to try to gain the courage to continue.

"We know." Georg said confused.

"You don't know." Bill shook his head. "I'm not better and you haven't seen. And I need you all to see this so I can- So I can really get better. So I can start." He held his arms out in front of him and closed his eyes.

Harmony winced as she saw, for the first time, both of his arms. Aside from the slashes across his left wrist, which Harmony had known about since the beginning, there were pink scars higher up on his left arm and splattered up and down his right arm. These were not the year old scars that Harmony was expecting. They were light enough not to be noticed by the casual quick passerby. But for friends and a brother who knew almost every last inch of this man, they were frightening.

Tom inhaled quickly before he turned and left the room. The others turned pale and stared while Bill began to shake.

Gustav's glass of orange juice fell to the floor but no one seemed to notice.

-----------------------------

"Get out." Gustav said softly. No one moved No one breathed. "Get. Out." He said again with more force.

It took a second for Harmony to realize that he was talking to her. "No." Bill said suddenly. "No, Harmony, you don't have to go."

"Get out." Gustav said once more. His eyes met Harmony's with a look of fury.

"Can you just leave us alone for a minute?" Georg whispered to Harmony. He tried to keep the peace as usual. He kicked the wet and broken glass out of the way as he moved to Gustav's side. "Just for a minute?"

"Y- Yeah." Harmony stuttered. She removed her hand from Bill's shoulder and stood up slowly. She reached for the door and was nearly knocked over by Tom as he rushed back into the room.

"What the hell, Bill?" He asked as he sat beside the older man. Harmony ducked out quietly and shut the door behind her. She took a deep breath on the other side as she began to register what she'd just seen. Bill had somehow, in some way become a cutter.

"What- What- What does this mean?" Georg asked solemnly.

"I've, um- I cut myself." Bill explained softly.

"Yeah, we can fucking see that, Bill." Gustav said as he directed his anger at Bill.

"Hey. Hang on, Gustav. Don't be mad at Bill." Georg placed his hand on Gustav's arm and tried to smile. "Come on."

"No, Georg. Fuck that. What the hell does that mean, Bill?" Gustav whipped his arm out of Georg's grasp.

"Gustav, calm down. Getting mad at him isn't going to help." Georg said softly.

"Leave him alone, Georg. He's entitled." Bill said as he met Gustav's angry eyes. "You have every right to be mad at me, Gustav. You do. I let you down. I let all of you down." He looked around at his closest friends.

"You didn't let us down." Tom shook his head.

"Yes, he did." Georg said. "But not like you think, Bill. You didn't let us down by hurting yourself again or by- By trying to kill yourself. You let us down by not telling us you were still feeling like shit."

"What would you have done if I told you? What could you have said? If I came up to you or Tom and said, 'Hey, I couldn't shave this morning because I can't look at the razor without wanting to cut myself' what would you have said?" Bill asked quickly.

"Bill." Tom reached out to touch Bill's shoulder as the thought about the conversation he'd had with Harmony, "We could have done something."

"This is bigger than that. This isn't something that you guys can fix." Bill shook his head as tears formed in his eyes. "Harmony coming here has made me realize th-"

"It's her fault." Gustav grumbled with a frown.

"No. Gustav, it's not." Bill shook his head. "Her coming here only made me realize that I'm not better and I'm not going to get better unless I ask for help."

"If she-" Gustav started.

"I thought I could handle this but I can't. I also know that this is too big for you guys. I need more help than that." Bill sighed.

"What do you mean?" Georg asked with a worried look. They were in the middle of their tour. They'd already canceled dates in the US during Bill's stay at Ahoskie Behavioral. Bill couldn't just disappear for a month again.

"Harmony needed my help a year ago or she would have sunk to where I am now. I need her help now. I don't expect you guys to understand that. I love you guys, you know that- But- But I need her help right now."

"Fuck her. We can help you, Bill." Gustav shoved is hands in his pockets.

Bill smiled slightly. "Not this time, Gustav. She really knows where I'm coming from. We have this fucked up history between us. She has seen me at my worst and, uh- She, uh- She knows what that's about."

"Fuck that, Bill. Fuck that." Gustav leaned against the kitchen counter behind him. "We have more of a history with you. You spent one month in the damn loony bin with her. That doesn't make her an expert on you."

"No." Bill agreed. "It doesn't. But she knows more about this kind of thing than any of you. Than all of you. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm just saying that when it comes to help for me, I need her right now."

"She can't make you better." Tom shook his head.

"I know. But I can't make myself better without her. Harmony knows where I'm coming from." Bill said again.

"But the tour-" Georg said slowly as he stepped forward.

"Nothing's changing." Bill said quickly. "Don't worry about that. I can do it."

"But, Bill, if you're gonna- If you keep- What if you do this again?" Tom asked.

"I won't. I'm not going to." Bill wiped his damp eyes quickly. "I'm not. You have to believe me. I haven't done it in a month."

"But, Bill-" Tom frowned.

"I need her help but I need your support. All of you." Bill looked at Gustav quickly. "I've never asked you for anything but, right now, I have to know that you're going to support me through this. And support Harmony."

"But, Bill, she's-" Tom started to complain.

Bill shook his head and met Tom's eye, "I know you don't see it but Harmony is how I am going to be able to do this." He sighed and picked at his fingernails. "I'm going to talk to Benjamin about letting her come out with us."

"She's not coming on tour with us." Gustav shook his head and stood his ground.

"Gustav, if it'll help Bill maybe we should-" Georg began softly.

"No way." Gustav said sharply. "You've been fucked up since she showed up the other day."

"I've been fucked up longer than that." Bill said softly. "Gustav, I know you don't understand that. You want to run in and fix this and I'm telling you, you can't. It's not that I don't want you to. I'm saying it's just not possible. You're too close to this. You all are. You're too close to me and too close to everyone else involved. You guys are so close you can't see what's right in front of you. It's like you've got your noses pressed against the TV and you can't tell what you're watching, you know?" Bill paused and smiled. "I need someone who's impartial. Someone who's been where I am. Someone who isn't afraid to see me like this."

"We're not afraid." Tom said softly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, you are. But that's okay." Bill said quickly. "I'm afraid to see me like this too. But Harmony isn't."

"She's not coming on tour with us." Gustav crossed his arms.

"Yes, she is." Bill said softly. "I don't need your permission, Gustav. Like it or not, she is. The only other alternative is for me to leave the tour and I don't want to do that. You don't want me to do that."

The room was silent as Gustav stared Bill down. Georg looked from Gustav to Bill then to Tom and raised his eyebrow at the young man. Both men in the staring contest had wills as strong as steel. For either to back down would be nothing short of a miracle.

"Guys. Come on." Georg said softly from Gustav's side. Neither of them moved for a full minute as the tension rose. "Gustav-"

Gustav took two quick steps toward Bill and, before Tom could move to intercept the blow that was sure to come, Gustav pulled Bill into a tight hug and lightly punched his back. "Why are you doing this?" Gustav whispered through clenched teeth. "Damn it, Bill."

"I don't know, Gustav." Bill whispered back as he squeezed Gustav tight.

Tom and Georg breathed a sigh of relief as they watched Bill and Gustav hugging in the middle of the room. "You know we'll do whatever we have to, Bill." Tom said as he patted his brother's shoulder. And with that, they started talking.

Gustav was the first out of the room an hour later. He brushed by Harmony without so much as a glance. The others slowly followed him out of the room. They all but ignored Harmony as they passed. She felt herself blush deeply as she searched for the nearest exit. "Harmony?" Georg startled her as he came up beside her.

"Is he okay?" She asked quickly.

"Well, no." He smiled slowly. "But he wants to see you in there."

Sensing an ally she looked up at him slowly. "How are the other two?"

Georg was taken aback. He was surprised that she was concerned about the rest of them. "They're, uh- Well- Avoid Gustav."

"Yeah, I gathered as much." She laughed lightly and met his eyes. "How about you?"

"I just want him to get better, you know? I just want the old Bill back. The real Bill." Georg shrugged and looked toward the door where Tom was waving him over. "I'll see you later." He waved quickly and followed Tom out the door.

Harmony took a deep breath and pushed the door open again, as the security and other crew people in the room watched uneasily. Nothing had been normal all morning. They knew something was up. "Hey." Harmony said softly as she leaned against the closed door.

"Hey." Bill said. He kept his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Harmony."

"For what? Bill, don't be sorry."

"For not telling you and for how the guys are reacting. They really aren't like that. Gustav's just really protective and Tom is- Well, he's my twin and normally I share everything with him. He's not sure-"

"Bill, it's okay." Harmony shook her head and sighed. "You don't have to explain them to me. They're guys. Enough said."

"I'm really gonna need your help now, Harmony."

"I know." She said slowly as she examined her shoes.

"A lot." Bill added. "I need to stop this and you're the only one that knows what the hell I feel like."

"Yeah." She agreed softly.

"Can you- Can you come with us? With me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just for a few days or something."

"Come with you? Like on your tour?" She frowned at him.

"Only for a little while. Just until I get this shit settled." He said quickly.

"Bill, I can't do that." She shook her head. "I have my job. And I'm moving. Plus Dr. Mueller would shit some kittens if she found out I was ditching therapy to help out another of her former patients."

"But I need you." He said. He sounded desperate.

"No, you don't." Harmony shook her head and tucked her hands in her pockets. "You can do this, Bill, and I can help you. But I can't just drop everything and hop on your tour bus with you."

"But, Harmony-"

"I'll tell you what, Bill, you go on with your shows and traveling for a few days. You can call me whenever you want to or need to. If after a week you still feel like you really don't think you can do this, we can talk then."

Bill sighed. She made perfect sense but he didn't want to go that week. "I can't just tell you now that I need you to come out in a week?" He smiled shyly.

"I think you'll be okay after a week. You won't be as scared. I can help you over the phone like you did for me. That can work, you know?"

"If you ever needed me there, you know I would have been on the first flight."

"And that's all I can offer you right now, Bill. If you need me there, I'll be there. But you have a great support group here. Don't let that go to waste."

"They don't-"

"Yes, they do." Harmony smiled. "You underestimate them. They understand you better than you think."

"I'm not gonna be cured after a week on the phone."

"No." Harmony shook her head and thought for a minute. "This is going to take a while. There's no 'quick fix' for suicidal feelings. But since going back to Ahoskie Behavioral isn't an option and since I can't come with you, your only choice is to get a doctor to come with you and counsel you."

"I don't want some stranger. I can't trust that."

"Then, Bill, this will have to work." She crinkled her forehead with a sad look.

"Okay." He said softly.

"Okay." She smiled quickly and looked at her watch. "Ugh, I have to go to work." She shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. "Are you- You're sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah." Bill nodded slowly as he looked at his shoes.

"I'm sorry, Bill. I really am. But I really can't miss work." She reached for the door behind her and grasped the handle.

"No, it's okay."

"I get off at 8:30 tonight. If you want, call me then."

"We'll be on the road I think." Bill frowned.

"You can still call." She smiled. "That's why they invented cell phones."

"Okay." He laughed softly and stood up to walk over to where she stood. "I'll give you a call later."

"You're gonna be okay." Harmony said softly as worry creased her forehead. "I'll see you soon."

Bill smiled and reached out to touch her arm. "Yeah." He hesitantly pulled her into a hug and rested his chin on her shoulder. "Thanks for being here, Harmony. Really."

"You're welcome." She smiled into his chest and lightly touched his side as she tensed up.

"You still don't like hugs?" He asked without letting her go.

"I'm just not used to it." She whispered.

"Do you want me to stop?" He relaxed his arms a tiny bit as she shook her head slowly. "I'm all about the hugs." Bill laughed quietly and stepped back.

"I really really have to go." Harmony shuffled her feet and looked down at her hand on the doorknob.

Bill nodded. "I'll talk to you tonight."

"Okay." She smiled and nodded as she pulled the door open. "Take care of yourself."

"I will." He nodded back and leaned against the door frame. He gave her a small wave as she pulled the door open to leave. She shut the door behind her without looking back and walked quickly down the hall to the elevators.

"Hey!" Tom shouted after her from the other end of the hall. Harmony turned around as she hit the call button for the elevator and cringed. "What'd you say?"

"About?"

"About coming on tour with us. You're not coming are you?" He asked. He was still twenty feet away.

"No." Harmony shook her head. "I'm not."

"Good. He doesn't need that." Tom stopped a few feet away and stood his ground. "We can get him through this. We know him a lot better than you."

Harmony was silent for a minute. She calmly nodded. "I sure hope so because up until now the three of you haven't been very supportive at all. I hope that you've changed and have realized that Bill is not better. In fact he's actually worse. I hope that you can all be grown up enough to know that whoever he turns to for help, that's who he thinks he needs. Whether that's me or you or Gustav or Justin Bieber. That's his decision. But mostly I hope that, whatever he decides to do, you guys will be the great friends and brothers that he has told me you are and you'll respect his choice."

"We've always been there for, Bill." Tom said as he defensively crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh yeah? Then explain to me why for the last year not one of you has asked about his attempted suicide. Or how he's doing?" Harmony stepped onto the elevator and turned back to face the stunned Tom. "I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just pointing out the obvious. As friends, and especially as his twin brother, I'd like to think someone would have cared enough to check up on him and not let him hack his arms to shreds." She finished her sentence as the doors shut in Tom's face. She got the satisfaction of seeing his mouth fall open before the shiny chrome doors reflected her image back at herself.

-----------------------------

"Harmony, I don't know what you said to Tom but he's joining Gustav's Let's hate Harmony club." Bill said that night when he called. It was almost ten and Harmony was just sitting down to dinner. She poured milk in her Reese's Puff cereal and set her phone in front of her as she pressed the speakerphone button.

"Great." Harmony sighed and tapped the spoon on the counter. "So how was the rest of your day?"

"It sucked. Tom just kept staring at me. Gustav wouldn't talk to me. Georg was the only semi-normal one but even he was kinda on the edge."

"Did you guys have to work?"

"Yeah. We had some appearances and photo stuff." Bill pulled his knees up to his chest as he sat in the shower of the tour bus. It was the only place he could have some privacy from Tom.

"You're doing okay though?" She took a bite and tried not to chew too noisily.

"Yeah." He said softly. "I almost wish I hadn't said anything though. They're treating me like I've grown a second head or something."

"Well, they're still getting used to the idea that they've been wrong about you." Harmony swallowed and continued. "You've probably freaked them out."

"I know but still."

"But still nothing. Give them a day or two." She took another bite and chewed slowly. "Of course, I'd be willing to bet you're hiding off somewhere and hiding yourself from them, right?"

Bill looked around at the tiny bathroom and laughed. "Yeah."

"So how's that helping anything?" Harmony smiled.

"It's not. I know. I just don't wanna talk about it right now."

"That's kinda the point don't you think?"

"Yeah yeah, I know." Bill yawned and rubbed his eyes. "How was your day?"

"I went to work and stood on my feet for eight hours and came home. But I'm fine now. I have my Reese's Puffs and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm happy."

"Is that all it takes to make you happy?"

Harmony thought for a minute. "Yes. And the remote control. And warm socks. See? I'm easy to please."

"Hrmm, I wish that was all it took."

"Well, try it. Go get a bowl of cereal, the remote and a pair of socks."

"All we have is sugar cereal and I already ate." Bill laughed. He enjoyed the feeling of laughter.

"Sugar cereal is the best for dessert." Harmony laughed and took another bite.

"You'd get along fine with Gustav then."

"Yeah, if he didn't hate me I'm sure we would." She laughed and wiped her mouth.

"True." Bill nodded. "So I can call you anytime I start to panic?" He asked a minute later.

"Yeah." Harmony nodded and took a sip of the milk in her bowl. "Anytime. You know that."

"Okay." He nodded. "What if you're at work?"

"That's what my cell phone is for."

"Hmmm."

"Are you trying to get me to say there's ever a time when you can't call?"

"Is there?"

"No." Harmony sighed. "You can call me at 3 in the morning while I'm working AND in the shower and I'd be okay with that. As long as it's important. If you call me at three in the morning to say 'Hi' I'll have to punch you in the nads."

"Ouch."

"Yes. Ouch." Harmony laughed and stood up to rinse her bowl out in the sink. "Well, Bill, if you're doing okay for tonight, I'm going to let you go. You've been yawning in my ear for the last five minutes and I have to be up early tomorrow."

"Okay." Bill said reluctantly. "I'll call you later then?"

"Give me a call tomorrow."

"I will." Bill smiled and leaned his head against the thin linoleum wall. "Thanks again."

"If you keep thanking me I'm going to choke you." Harmony laughed. "Just say g'night and hang up."

"You're so mean." Bill laughed.

Harmony smiled. She was glad to hear him laugh and she hope he meant it, "G'night, Bill."

"G'night, Harmony." Bill hung up the phone and pulled himself off the hard floor. He stumbled back into the sitting area where the conversation immediately stopped. Bill stood in the little doorway and stared down at his friends for a minute. Gustav and Georg had boarded he and Tom's bus at the last stop claiming they wanted to play a board game. Bill knew that they had been talking about him. "I'm gonna go to bed. Keep it down out here, okay?" Bill forced a smile and tried to hide his uneasiness as he stepped over Tom's and Georg's legs on the way to the bunks. He climbed into his bed with only the sound of the tires on the pavement following him.

Bill took his jeans off and dropped them over the side of the bunk and pulled the thin blanket up to cover his bare legs. He lay in the darkness running his fingers over the barely noticeable scars on his inner arms and tried to lull himself to sleep.

-----------------------------

Bill tossed and turned for most of the night. He finally forgot about sleep. He pulled his blanket off his bunk and hobbled out to the sitting area. Everyone had dispersed so the area was empty. Bill took his backpack down from the overhead cabinets and sat on the couch as he sorted through all the crap he had stashed in there. Bill pulled Harmony's journal out and smiled as he leaned back and propped his feet up on the chair opposite him. He flipped forward to where he had left off the other night and began to read again.

-----------------------------

Dear Diary,

Thursday 8:20 pm or so.

Okay. That was weird. I had a headache today and when I told Dr. Mueller she handed me an aspirin. As soon as the thing hit my hand I like had a panic attack or something. I couldn't breathe. I totally saw stars. It was so scary I felt like I was having a heart attack or something. Dr. Mueller just sat there and looked at me! I was like, "Help me out here! Cant you see I'm dying?!" But she just sat there and kept saying that I was okay. What the hell is wrong with me? And to top it off, I lost the pills so I still have a raging headache. Great huh?

- Harmony

-----------------------------

9:04 pm

I know what it was. I haven't touched a pill since the night I chugged them. Maybe actually holding one in my hand again kinda made me think about doing it again. But I wonder why I didn't just pop it and get it over with. What was that about? Shit. Maybe I don't want to kill myself anymore? How scary would that be?

- Harmony

-----------------------------

It's the middle of the night and my clock died. How ironic.

I was kidding. Back there in the last part. I don't really want to kill myself anymore. And, no, that has nothing to do with Dr. Mueller. I haven't wanted to kill myself for a while now. Weird. It's kind of weird not having a feeling that I've had for so long, you know? I guess maybe Bill helped more than I thought. Fucking A. He does something as stupid as just being my friend and I'm cured? No, it can't be that simple. I'm missing something here. Maybe you know? Do you know, little book of mine? No. I didn't think so. Bill? Do you know? Why don't I want to kill myself? And why can't I touch a pill without going ape shit? Damn, I wish I could ask you.

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill frowned and ran his knuckle over his bottom lip. He had definitely felt the same way about razors or anything sharp for that matter. He hadn't been able to use anything other than Gustav's electric shaver for the longest time and even now he still had issues.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes as he grew more tired. Most of Harmony's journal entries were just filled with daily stuff at Ahoskie Behavioral. A lot was just bitching about the other 'crazies' that were there. Bill read every word and almost felt as though he was violating her trust by peeking into her private world. She'd given him the book to read. He rationalized his guilty feeling by telling himself he was obligated to read what she'd asked him to.

Bill pulled the blanket up to his chin and turned sideways on the couch so that the little clip on light cast its glow on the pages in front of him. He held the journal with one hand and read the next couple entries. When he finished the third one, his heart leaped into his throat.

-----------------------------

Dear Bill,

It's a lot easier to do it this way. I mean, I refer to you all the time anyways. It makes more sense to address these to you. Really, who's this "diary" guy and why does he care? Or she, I guess it could be a she. Anyway, I was talking to Dr. Mueller today and your name came up (as it occasionally does in our sessions) and I realized that I never told you about my dream. Even after you shared yours with me. So I guess I can start off doing that. Yes, I am aware that you're just a book but, hey, therapy is therapy right? Don't answer that.

In my dream I succeed.

Yes, I do it. I do it exactly the same as I did in real life only I succeed. How fucked up is that? But like you said, I'm sort of standing there watching myself which, I've gotta tell you, is a weird ass feeling. So I'm watching myself sit there on my bed just rotting, I guess. I'd thought about suicide before, who hasn't? But I was actually thinking about it. So I watch myself walk around the whole house grabbing anything in a little orange pill container thing and I'm telling myself where to look next. So I get them all together on my bed and I'm looking at it all. The little voice inside my head (it's my voice) says, "That's not gonna cut it." So I go back through the house and I get any kind of pills I can find. Laxatives, Advil, Dexatrim... it didn't matter. If it was small and swallowable I was going to down it. So I get them all together on my bed and I poured them all out and there were soooo many colors. It looked like M&M's or something.

So then the voice in my head says, "Yeah but you wanna make it a sure thing? Go get that booze in your closet." Yeah, I kept a stash in there for when I couldn't handle the parents. Oooh rebel. So I got that down and sat on my bed and actually broke the pills up into sizes and colors then just started taking one from each group and swallowing them. Three or four at a time. It didn't matter. Before I knew it I had swallowed about half of the pills on my bed and almost the whole bottle of vodka. I felt like I was going to vomit which I knew would just make the whole evening fucking pointless. I chased it all with a shot of everclear and lay down on my bed of pills and pill bottles and went to sleep.

Only the dream me is just standing there watching me. And my mom doesn't come home from the club early or anything. It's like I can feel the me on my bed trying to get up, to wake up or move but the dream me just watching doesn't do anything but watch. Then I watch my body rapidly turn into like a mummy because no one comes to find me and that's when I wake up. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, real deep. But anyway, there you go. Mr. Bill book man.

So how are you? Lovely weather we're having, huh??

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill frowned and marked the page in the journal. He couldn't believe Harmony had that dream, that horrible dream, every night that she was in Ahoskie Behavioral. He had no idea how she survived reliving that every sleeping moment.

If Harmony could get past that, he could surely overcome this. He sighed with resignation and reached up to switch the tiny light off. He had read enough.

-----------------------------

Dear Bill,

Wed. 1:04 pm

You already know this- I mean, YOU do. The real you. Not you, Mr. Bill book man thing. I'm home! Well, I'm out of Ahoskie Behavioral anyway. Even though I wouldn't call this rotting place a home. It's where I live anyway. For now. My room is still the same as when I left it but my parents did have the decency to clean the carpet so I wouldn't have to stare at my vomit stain all day.

You know what? I actually hate this room. It's too girly for me. It's all pink and purple. Shit, it makes me cringe. I'm leaving here as soon as I can though. I'm gonna need a job.

I'm not totally free though because I still have to go see Dr. Mueller twice a week. It isn't bad because I can give Ahoskie Behavioral the finger as I leave every time.

I just hope that I'm okay at home, you know? It's almost like that hell hole was my safety net. I was okay when I was there because there were a dozen other people that were 10 times more fucked than me. But around here, I'm it. I'm the nutcase. I'm the least sane person around here compared to everyone else. Of course, in my little crazy head, I'm thinking that I'm normal. And everyone else is just weird. I'm not making any sense now.

-----------------------------

8:30 pm

I've been home for 7 hours and 35 minutes. My mother has already yelled at me for leaving my towel on the floor in the bathroom. In my bathroom... the bathroom that only I use. She said (and I quote), "You know, if Ahoskie Behavioral hasn't taught you the common sense it takes to hang up a towel when you're done. Maybe you need to go back." I've been home half a day and she's already threatening to send me back. Fantastic. And who the hell said Ahoskie Behavioral was teaching me common sense?! It was supposed to teach me not to guzzle handfuls of pills and alcohol, not how to pick up towels and kiss *ass, damn it. Get me the hell outta here. Bill, COME AND TAKE ME WITH YOU!! Hahaha I'm kidding. I've heard your daily schedule. I don't want any part of that. But seriously. I was normal when you were around. As normal as this nutcase can be, I guess.

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill smiled at the irony. Just a few months ago she was begging to go with him. Now that he offered, she wouldn't come. It had been almost a week since Bill had his breakdown with Harmony. He had called her at least once a day since then. He didn't always need her help but just the sound of her voice reassured him. It always made him smile when he talked to her.

Things were going much better than Bill could have hoped. Almost too good. The other guys slipped back into the normal day-to-day routine. They had breakfast together and made fun of those still half asleep. Then there was wardrobe, photo shoots, Tom forever playing around and getting them yelled at, sound check, misplaced items being found in Gustav's wardrobe, hours of singing, playing, sweating and laughing and finally falling onto the bus or plane for their next destination with a round of g'nights before they were off to sleep. Never once did anyone mention Bill or his problem.

Everyone was getting comfortable again. Everyone except Bill. He knew from Harmony that talking about what happened and what was bugging him was part of the healing process. But the only person who talked to him about it was Harmony.

Bill had made a point of wearing short sleeves or pushing up his sleeves when they were on the bus alone. The others wouldn't even look at his arms. They made obvious eye contact or just didn't look his way at all. Their reactions were to be expected but Bill didn't know how to initiate the attention.

After several days of getting back to normal Bill decided to pull at least one of them aside to talk about it privately. He watched the guys through the day to see who would be his first victim. Bill decided that, out of them all, Georg would be the easiest to talk to and probably the most understanding and receptive. If he could get Georg talking about it maybe that would help the others come around. Talking to Harmony everyday helped but he needed the guys support as well.

Bill's mind wandered for the rest of the day. It was hard to come up with just the right words to say to Georg and just the right way to phrase his feelings. Of course, he didn't know how he felt himself so he had that on his mind too.

At the rehearsals that night Bill was distracted. He was stumbling over his words and missing notes he'd been hitting for months. After the fourth time running through Zoom Into Me Bill completely forgot the words to the second verse for the third time. The other guys were getting annoyed with Bill. Each time he messed up it tacked another 4 minutes onto their rehearsal time. They were already 40 minutes over schedule. The show was the next night and if Bill kept messing up, they'd be in rehearsal until then.

"Okay guys. Let's screw your heads on straight. Let's do it again from the lead in. Let's go." Benjamin shouted from the floor as the music started again.

Without thinking Gustav scowled at Bill. "You think you can get it right this time? Come on Mr. Perfection."

Bill blushed quickly and averted his eyes. The scolding did nothing to improve his performance. It was more than an hour later when they finally finished up and headed back to the hotel.

Bill sat alone in his room and brooded over the rehearsals.

-----------------------------

Harmony's phone rang in her purse as she walked into the theater with Cassey. "Hang on. Let me take this real quick." Harmony sighed and stepped aside as the crowd moved on.

Cassey had grown used to Harmony being on her cell phone more often than not the last week or so. She knew Harmony was getting annoyed. "I'll go get seats. Make it quick."

"I will." Harmony smiled and flipped her phone open. "Hi, Bill."

"Harmony, I'm sorry." Bill said softly.

"It's okay." She said. It was her usual response. She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes as she leaned against the carpeted wall of the theater. "What's up?

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Bill. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." He whispered again. He sank to the floor in his hotel room.

Harmony's heart skipped a beat. "Bill, what's wrong? What happened?" She opened her eyes quickly and stood away from the wall. Bill didn't say a word but she could hear him breathing deeply on the other end of the line. "Bill, what? Did you hurt yourself?" She asked as she began to feel the panic she'd dreaded. "Answer me, Bill." She held the phone tightly as she walked back out to the bright lobby. "Where are you?" She asked quickly. He mumbled something into the phone that she couldn't understand. "Where are you?" She asked again.

"My room." He said softly as he sniffed softly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." Bill said through tears. "No."

"Okay, what happened?"

"I'm sorry, Harmony."

"It's okay. It's okay." She said more to calm herself than anything. She stepped outside and around the corner of the building where there was less of a crowd. "Are you bleeding?"

"No." He shook his head and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes as the phone cradled itself between his shoulder and his ear.

"Did you cut yourself?" She asked softly. He didn't respond with anything more than a muffled sob. "It's okay, Bill. You're gonna be okay." She could feel his panic through the phone line. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Not good enough. Tell me what happened." Harmony insisted. She sounded a million times stronger than she felt.

"I don't know." Bill shook his head and squeezed his knees to his chest. "I don't know."

"Did you cut yourself?"

"No. Not all the way."

"But you started to?"

"I was close, Harmony."

"Were you trying to cut yourself or kill yourself?" She asked after a few silent moments.

"Cut."

"Where did you cut?" She asked quickly.

"My leg."

"Where?"

"By my foot." He whispered.

"You're going to be okay." She repeated. She hoped the more she said it the more he would be okay. "Where are you?"

"In my room." He said again.

"No. Where? What city?" She mentally went over her checking account balance and cringed.

"Richmond."

"Richmond, Virginia?" Harmony creased her forehead thoughtfully and glanced at her watch. It was only a little after eight.

"Yeah." Bill said softly.

"I can be there in a couple hours. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah." He whispered with a sigh of relief.

"What hotel are you in?"

"The Sheraton West." Bill let out a shaky breath and tried to calm his nerves. Harmony was on her way.

"I'll call you when I'm on my way."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Harmony said softly. "Bye."

"Bye." Bill hung up his phone as the tears he'd been trying to hold back fell down his cheeks.

Harmony sighed and dropped the phone back in her purse as she went back into the theater to find Cassey. "Hey, I have to go."

"Is it the guy?"

"He's got himself in a bit of trouble. I'll be out of town for a couple days. I'll call you though."

"You're seriously leaving town right now?" Cassey asked as the lights went off in the theater to start the movie.

"I have to." Harmony whispered. "I'll call you when I get there." Harmony waved as she ducked out of the crowded theater and went to find her car. She stopped by her parents' house only long enough to grab a small bag of clean clothes and a diet Dr. Pepper before she headed out to Virginia.

Three hours later Harmony was driving up I-95 with her windows down and her radio blaring. She tried desperately to keep herself awake. It was only shortly after eleven but being in the car always made her tired. She reached over and turned her radio down before she picked up the cell phone on the seat next to her. She dialed Bill's cell.

"Hello?" He answered softly.

"It's me. I'm on my way, but it'll be another about hour or so. Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah." Bill nodded and took a deep breath.

"You are?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Harmony concentrated on the straight stretch of dark highway in front of her. "How am I going to get into the hotel?"

"I already called the front desk. They know you're coming." Bill said with a shaky sigh.

"Okay." She nodded and rolled her window up half way. "What does your day look like tomorrow?"

"Full." He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Can you get out of any of it?"

"Yeah, the earlier stuff I can. But everything else I can't. We have a show."

"Okay, that's fine."

"You're driving?" Bill asked a minute later.

"Yeah." Harmony said. "Eighty-five miles an hour down I-95."

"Drive careful." He said softly.

"I am."

"I'll let you go so you can concentrate."

"Okay." She nodded.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Just make sure I don't get arrested when I show up and try to get on your floor."

"You won't." He smiled as tears rose in his eyes again. "I'll see ya."

"One more hour. Just hang in there." She said reassuringly as she hung up the phone and went back to focusing on the road ahead of her.

-----------------------------

Harmony yawned and knocked tentatively on Bill's door as she looked nervously up and down the dark hallway. She heard him shuffling toward the door and messing with the lock. When he pulled the door open she had to stop herself from cringing. He looked absolutely horrible.

"Hey." She said softly as he held the door open. She took two steps in and shut the door behind her before he reached out and pulled her in for a much needed hug.

"Harmony, I'm sorry." He said as his tears started fresh.

"It's okay, Bill. It's okay." The words fell from her lips easily. She'd been saying them all night. Harmony tried to relax into his hug because she could tell it was what he needed but that still came hard for her. She hesitantly placed her arms around his waist and patted his back lightly. "You okay now?"

"Yeah, I think so." Bill whispered and stepped away. His eyes were red and puffy and his hair was a mess. He reached up tentatively and smoothed his hair down as he took a deep breath. "I'm a complete wreck."

"You look fine." Harmony smiled at his vanity but averted her eyes. She watched as his hand began to shake and his breathing became irregular.

"Shit, Harmony. What happened?" He whispered hoarsely.

"You slipped." Harmony said softly. "It happens."

"Not to me." Bill said with little force.

"Yes, to you." Harmony looked him in the eye and held his gaze. "You're not indestructible, Bill."

"I'm not this weak."

"Bill." She said sadly. "This doesn't mean you're weak." She took his hand and pulled him to the couch where she sat in the corner. "You're human. When are you going to realize that?"

"I know I'm human." Bill fell into the opposite corner of the couch and pulled his feet up beside him.

"No, you don't. You think you're a superhuman. Humans fail all the time but for some reason that's hard for you."

"Harmony, when I fail, I fail Georg and Gustav and- And Tom."

"No, you don't, Bill. You think you do but you don't. They don't see it that way. You're too hard on yourself."

"I can't change that."

"Yes, you can." She whispered and smiled at him in the dim light. "What happened tonight?"

"I started to cut my leg." He said softly.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

"Harmony, I don't know." He shook his head.

"What were you doing this afternoon?"

"Rehearsals."

"Show rehearsals?"

"Yeah." Bill nodded.

"Did something happen there?" She asked.

Bill bent his head and sighed. "I wasn't getting it right."

"Let me see."

"Harmony-" Bill looked down at his bare feet on the couch beside him.

"Come on." She reached over and gently touched the top of his foot. Harmony wrapped her fingers around his ankle and pulled it toward her and into her lap as she pushed the cuff of his worn sweat pants up.

Just above his ankle, where the skin was soft and white, there was a small slit. No deeper than a bad paper cut and about 2 inches long. There was a tiny line of blood on the edges but it had since dried and begun to flake off.

"Harmony, it's just-"

"No, it's not just anything." She shook her head and ran her finger over his cut. "This was more than that. You were trying to get rid of your pain."

"I don't have pain." He said softly.

"Yes, you do." Harmony said. "I feel like a hypocrite sitting here telling you what you feel but, Bill, that's what this is about. That's what people who do this are doing."

"People who cut themselves?"

"People who hurt themselves. Whether it's cutting or burning or starving or- Or taking pills. They're trying to get rid of the pain."

"What about you?"

"Me too." Harmony whispered and looked up to meet his eyes. The room was warm around her and she couldn't tell where her fingertips stopped and his foot began.

"Really?" He asked softly a few minutes later.

She nodded slowly and lay her hand on his shin. "Yes."

"Cool." Bill whispered. He covered his mouth as he yawned.

"Cool?" Harmony laughed lightly.

"You know what I mean." Bill sunk deeper into the couch and rested his head on the arm. "Thank you for coming out here, Harmony. Really."

"You're welcome. Really." Harmony smiled back at him as he closed his eyes and fell asleep. He felt comforted by the weight of her hand on his leg.

Harmony sat in the half darkness and watched as Bill's breathing slowed down and his hands relaxed from the clenched fists they were in. She was exhausted from the car ride but she couldn't make herself fall asleep. Harmony removed Bill's foot from her hands and stood up to switch off the light by the bed. She waited for a minute as her eyes adjusted.

The dark green blanket on the bed was bunched up on one end so Harmony picked it up and carried it to the couch. She sat back in her little corner and pulled her knees to her chest as she draped the blanket over herself and Bill.

Bill lay on his back with his bare feet barely touching Harmony's thigh. She pulled them onto her lap and lay her hand flat on his ankle. She just stared at him while he slept. His lips moved in slow silent words as his forehead creased for a slight second. Harmony smiled. She wondered what he was dreaming about.

Without warning, tears rose in her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks. "Bill, please don't do this." She whispered as her bottom lip trembled. "Please, please don't do this again. I can't do this, Bill." She cried softly and let all of the emotions of the night envelope her. Her tears trailed down to the tip of her nose before they fell onto the thin blanket. "You scared the shit out of me tonight and I can't handle that. I can't handle caring so much about someone. About you. You of all people. You know that other people are low on my priority list but somehow you've crawled to the top of mine. Please, Bill, don't do this again." Her voice was barely a whisper as she sniffed softly and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She was glad to have finally said something to Bill even though he was asleep and never heard a word.

-----------------------------

"Bill!" Gustav shouted through the door as he tapped incessantly the next morning. "Rise and shine, porcupine!"

Bill sat up quickly. He threw his feet to the floor before his head cleared and he understood what Gustav was shouting. He stood up and used the back of the couch for balance as he hobbled across the room to the door. Having slept on the couch left him with the worst leg cramps imaginable. "Yeah?" He croaked as he opened the door. He was faced with a cleanly washed and perky Gustav.

"You look like shit." Gustav laughed and pushed the door open. He stopped three feet into the room when he saw the honey colored hair over the arm of the couch. "You dog!" He whispered loudly as he slapped Bill on the back.

"I'm calling out this morning. I feel like shit." Bill said softly as he tried to guide Gustav back to the door.

"Yeah, I bet." Gustav rolled his eyes. "Seriously though, kiss her goodbye and let's go. Benjamin will throw a fit if you're not downstairs and in the van within 30 minutes."

"I'm serious, Gustav. I'm not going this morning. I feel worse than I look and I didn't get any sleep at all last night."

"Yeah, but doing some girl is never a good excuse. Hasn't been for your brother and it won't be for you either. Not for Benjamin." Gustav laughed and grabbed the little bag of cookies left on the little kitchen counter.

"That's Harmony." Bill said softly as he took Gustav's elbow and led him back to the door. "Tell Benjamin that I'll talk to him later. I'll meet you guys at the arena at two."

"That's-"

"Yes." Bill nodded as Gustav reluctantly stepped into the hall.

"When the hell did she get here?" Gustav demanded.

"Last night." Bill cast his eyes downward and studied the blue and gold design in the carpet.

"I'm telling you, Bill, she's fucking you up. Look at you. She shows up and not even eight hours later you're calling out and you look like a train wreck."

"She only got here four hours ago and she's not the reason I look like this." Bill said. He tried to control the hint of anger that flared up.

"She's nothing but trouble, Bill."

"I cut myself last night." Bill said shortly. He looked up and met Gustavs shocked eyes. "That's why she's here." Gustav stared at Bill as his heart skipped a beat and he blinked. "So tell Benjamin I'll talk to him later. And get your head out of your ass." Bill said slowly. He didn't wait for a response before he shut the door in Gustav's face.

Bill turned around and looked his small hotel room over. He was awake now. There was no going back to sleep. He limped over to his backpack beside the bed and pulled Harmony's journal out. It was yet another thing that comforted him when he was down. He pulled the curtains back just a fraction to let in some light before he sat at the head of the empty bed and opened the notebook to the last marked page.

The pages made wing like sounds as he turned through them over the next hour. Bill found himself absorbed in Harmony's daily normal life. No cameras, no security, no schedules, no screaming girls, no annoying friends, no sitting on a bus for 12 hours at a time. He wanted Harmony's life more now than ever. She had managed to pull through this whole ordeal and return to a somewhat normal life. Meanwhile Bill was slipping back to cutting himself and having nervous breakdowns.

He rubbed his eyes after a few pages before he continued.

-----------------------------

Dear Bill,

Saturday 11:45 am

We just had an earthquake. Not even two seconds after I hung up the phone with you. I guess that was my reminder. I forgot to tell you something. Damn it.

-----------------------------

3:50 pm

You called again today. Really, you don't have to call just to tell me you made it to your destination okay. I trust you when you say you're a good driver. I forgot to tell you again. I keep saying I forgot but I didn't really. I thought about it the whole time you were talking but how can I just bust in with, "Yeah that's cool. Germany sounds nice. By the way. I took a handful of Prozac last night and had to get my stomach pumped." I have to tell you. I don't recommend that. They had to shove a tube down my throat and we're not talking about like this tiny throat sized tube either. We're talking the industrial sized Roto Rooter type tube. It wasn't as fun as last time. Maybe because I was actually conscious this time.

As I was vomiting up my soul Dr. Mueller walked in. Let me tell you, that's a completely surreal feeling to be watching your insides exit through your mouth while thinking "If Dr. Mueller could see me now she'd shit" then looking up to see her standing there. She wasn't shitting though, but I guess that's a good thing. She's not making me go back to Ahoskie Behavioral either, but I do have to go back to the three times a week counseling. I told her I was writing in the damn book and she said she didn't care. I could either go see her three times a week or I could go back to Ahoskie Behavioral and still see her three times a week. Naturally I opted to stay the HELL out of Ahoskie Behavioral.

Besides. How much would that suck? For me to tell you, I mean. There you are, over in Germany, getting your life back on track, making all these big plans, thrilled as puppies that I have my shit together and I go do something like that? You don't need to hear that now. I'm not gonna do it again. So really, what's the point in having you lose what little faith you have in me. Like they say, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

-----------------------------

4:35 pm

I hope that's true because I don't want to hurt you. I'm gonna have to tell you I guess. Maybe next time you call. If I forget to tell you next time, remind me. Ha ha. I made a joke.

- Harmony

-----------------------------

Bill looked over at Harmony. She was asleep on the couch with her knees curled up to her chin and the thin green hotel blanket resting over her shoulders. She didn't look at all comfortable but she hadn't stirred at all since Bill woke up. "So you slipped too." Bill whispered from across the room as he smiled slowly and shook his head. "You're human too." He sighed and turned the page. He was more anxious than ever to read what she'd written to him in her journal.

-----------------------------

Harmony opened her eyes slowly. She shielded them from the sunlight that was covering the couch and her face. She stretched her legs out in front of her and yawned. "Bill?" Harmony asked as she realized he wasn't on the couch beside her.

"Yeah." Bill marked his page and quickly dropped the journal back into his backpack. "I'm here." He ran his fingers through his still damp hair and forced a smile.

"What time is it?" Harmony rubbed her eyes and self-consciously smoothed down her hair.

"It's a little after ten." He pushed himself off the bed and stretched his arms above his head. "Did you sleep well?" Bill's jeans rode low on his hips and his T-shirt had small wet marks on his shoulders from where his hair had dripped after his shower.

"I thought you had a busy morning?"

"I got out of it." He shrugged. "I don't have to be anywhere until two."

"Are you going to get in trouble or anything?"

"No, don't worry about that." Bill shook his head slowly.

Harmony stood up and tried to stretch the knots out of her muscles. "Can I use your shower? I feel greasy and I'm sure I smell funky over here."

"Sure. Of course."

"Afterward we can talk, you know, about me being here and things."

"Okay." He nodded and cleared his throat. "I'm going to go down the hall for a minute and get you a pass. So you don't get arrested or whatever."

"I need to make some phone calls." She said nodding to her cell phone. "Work and stuff."

Bill nodded. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Harmony crossed the room as Bill left. She sat on the edge of the bed debating who she should call first. "Get the easy one out of the way first." She mumbled to herself as she dialed her work's number. She explained to her supervisor that she would have to be out for at least a couple days. He, in turn, explained to her that she had only one week of vacation so it had better be no longer than that. Harmony agreed and hoped that one week would be enough.

Harmony waited as long as she could before she quickly dialed Dr. Mueller's office number from memory. She waited impatiently as it rang in her ear. "This is Dr. Mueller. How can I help you?" Dr. Mueller answered the phone distractedly.

"Hi, Dr. Mueller. It's Harmony."

"Hi, Harmony! I wasn't expecting to hear from you until tomorrow." She said with a smile.

"Yeah- Uh- About that." Harmony crinkled her nose and played with the hotel pen. She clicked it open and shut. "I'm not going to be able to come in tomorrow."

"Why? What's wrong?" Dr. Mueller asked quickly.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm okay."

"Then what?"

"Remember Bill?" Harmony asked softly.

"Of course." Dr. Mueller nodded with a frown. She wasn't quite sure where the conversation was going.

"He's, uh- I came to Virginia to visit him."

"You should have told me this at your appointment earlier this week."

"I didn't know I'd be going earlier this week. It was kind of, you know, sudden."

"Harmony." Dr. Mueller continued to frown. "What aren't you telling me?"

"He's, uh- He cut himself."

"He what? He cut himself? When? Where?"

"On his leg. His ankle actually. It's not bad but it really freaked him out."

"Harmony, if he has started cutting himself then he needs to talk to his counselor about that, not you."

"I know." Harmony rested her head in her hands. "But he doesn't have one."

"He doesn't have a counselor? I thought he was seeing Mark Matthews with the rest of his friends."

"He was. They were. But he's back on tour and- And well, now he's not. So we've kinda been talking lately and I'm helping him."

"Harmony, I'm not really sure if-"

"No, I am!" Harmony said suddenly. "I am helping him. I'm doing really well Dr. Mueller."

"I know you are, Harmony, but this is really something that a professional psychologist needs to be a part of."

"Come on, Dr. Mueller. You know I'm just as good as any of those head shrinkers." Harmony smiled slyly. "The only thing I need help with is his friends. The other guys. They hate me because I made him show them his scars."

"You shouldn't have made him."

"Okay, I didn't make him. I just told him that if he really wanted to get better he had to let them see that what happened was real and stuff like that. They totally don't even acknowledge that he tried to kill himself. I mean really, Dr. Mueller, they just don't get it."

"Harmony." Dr. Mueller said cautiously.

"No, I know. They have to deal with it in their own time but with them not dealing with it, Bill can't get himself better because Bill holds himself responsible for all of their feelings. Does that make sense? It's like a never-ending cycle. They can't admit it because they can't see the scars. And he can't show them the scars because they won't even admit it happened." Harmony paused for a breath. "Of course. He's shown them his scars now and then some and they're still not admitting it."

"You really shouldn't be getting in the middle of all of that." Dr. Mueller warned.

"But I'm helping."

"I'd hate to find out you were doing more harm than good." Dr. Mueller said softly.

"I'm helping, Dr. Mueller." Harmony answered back slowly. "I am."

"How long are you planning on staying out there with him? This isn't something that can be fixed just with one visit. Harmony, you have your new job to think of and your new apartment."

"I know." Harmony said softly. "But, Dr. Mueller, don't you think it'd be worth it to ditch that stuff to help Bill?"

"No, Harmony, you've worked so hard to get where you are right now. Bill needs help, I'm not denying that, but he needs more help than you can offer. If you stay there and lose your job and your apartment, how is that helping you?"

"I'm not going to do that." Harmony shook her head and hoped she wouldn't have to.

"I can't make you come home." Dr. Mueller said softly a moment later. "But promise me that you will call if things get out of hand."

"I will."

"I'm also going to put a call in to Mr. Ebel and let him know what's going on so that he can call me also if they, uh- If they need to." Dr. Mueller flipped through her address book looking for the year old number.

"Okay." Harmony nodded and blushed as Bill came back into the room.

"Here. Don't lose this." He set a plastic laminated badge beside her leg and leaned over to pull the curtains open all the way.

"Is that Bill now?" Dr. Mueller asked.

"Um, yeah." Harmony said softly.

"Let me speak with him."

"Dr. Mueller, I don't think th-"

"That's Dr. Mueller?" Bill looked over his shoulder at Harmony as he blushed. She nodded and held the phone out to him. "H- Hi, Dr. Mueller."

"Hello, Bill, how are you?"

"I, uh- I'm doing, uh- Better now that, you know, now that Harmony's here."

"I'm glad she can be there to help you but, Bill, I really think you should discuss this with Benjamin Ebel and see about getting a professional counselor to come see you."

Bill shook his head. "Not yet. If things get worse I will but I want to get over this on my own. With Harmony's help I mean."

Dr. Mueller did not feel very comfortable with the situation but she was in no position to tell him what to do. "You can call me. Twenty four hours a day. Harmony knows how to reach me."

"Okay." Bill nodded.

"I'm also going to call Benjamin and touch base with him so he knows what's going on out there."

"He knows." Bill explained. He'd just gotten back from talking to Benjamin.

"That's good but I'd still like to talk to him."

"Okay."

"Call me in a day or two and let me know how things are going."

"I, uh- We will." Bill said good-bye and hung up the phone. He sat beside Harmony on the bed. "So."

"So." She stood up and ran her hands over her hair again. "About that shower."

"Oh, right. Right in there. There are towels and shampoo and everything." He waved toward the bathroom as she walked quickly to the door.

"Five minutes." She held up five fingers and shut the door. She took a quick shower and wrapped her hair in the thick blue hotel towel. She pulled her clean jeans and a fresh tank top out of her bag to get dressed. She made herself somewhat presentable and brushed her teeth then stepped back out into the room.

"You called, Dr. Mueller?" Bill asked.

"I had an appointment with her tomorrow. I needed to let her know that I wasn't going to be there."

"So you're staying here through tomorrow?" Bill leaned back against the headboard and pulled his knees to his chest.

Harmony nodded slowly and leaned on the little island separating the mini kitchen from the rest of the room. "I think that would be a good idea."

"Me too."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"About you staying?"

"About you cutting yourself." Harmony glanced down at his bare ankle.

"Didn't we do that already?"

"No." She shook her head and picked up the little bag of pretzels. She tore it open as she crossed the room and pulled one of the chairs closer to the bed. She sat down and sunk down in the cushions. She rested her feet on the edge of the bed and looked at Bill. "So you were at rehearsals, not getting it right, then you came back to this room and cut yourself. We're missing something there."

Bill shrugged and concentrated on picking at his fingernails. "That's it."

"Is it really?" Harmony asked as she crunched on a pretzel.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Why'd you take a handful of Prozac?" He looked up at her and frowned. His mood immediately turned foul.

"Are we going to turn this into a discussion about me? Because, if so, I'd like you to come to my house and talk on my turf. When you leave and drive all night to Virginia because I've just downed a half a bottle of pills then we can talk about me. Right now, it's all you." Harmony said. She didn't sound the least bit defensive. She was simply stating the facts.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bill suddenly felt betrayed. He'd read the journal entry more than an hour before but the feelings were just creeping in as they talked.

"Come on, Bill." Harmony rolled her eyes and licked her salty lips.

"Why not?"

"Because I didn't want to let you down. You were the one friend I had and I couldn't afford to lose that."

"You wouldn't have lost that." He grumbled.

"I know that now. But at that time I was still screwed up a lot. I thought all you needed was one good reason to ditch me and you'd be gone. It's irrational, I know, but that's how I felt." She coughed lightly and wiped her mouth. "Now back to you. What's going on?"

Bill didn't say anything and for a few minutes they sat in silence. Bill picked at his fingernails and Harmony picked at her pretzels. "I'm not perfect." He said softly.

"Of course not. No one is saying you are."

"They think I am." Bill rested his chin on his knees. "They don't think I'm perfect like a God or something, it's just- I get it right. I know what I'm doing. Even when I fail I bounce back immediately. I was at Ahoskie Behavioral for a month. That's it. One month. Thirty-four days. From suicidal wrist slitting crazy to Bill Kaulitz aka Tokio Hotel's Mr. Perfection in one short month."

"Bill-"

"So we're in rehearsals yesterday, right? And I'd made up my mind to actually talk to one of the guys yesterday so I was trying to think of what to say and I guess I wasn't really focusing on the music so I messed up. Every time I messed up that just wrecked my nerves more and more so all I did was get more nervous, you know? I held up our rehearsal for more than an hour." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "It just- It sucks."

"Yeah, it sucks. But haven't the other guys ever held it up?"

"Yeah. But not me."

"Bill, you're the one giving yourself the 'perfect' label. They're not. Once you realize that, you'll be able to shrug it off when you screw up during rehearsals and not let it get to you."

"I still felt like shit, Harmony."

"So you came back and cut yourself?"

"I came back and sat on the floor for a while trying to make myself not feel like shit."

"How did you get from there to cutting yourself?"

"If I was hurt I'd at least have an excuse why my mind was elsewhere." He shrugged. "Cutting myself would hurt more than pissing everyone off and that's all I wanted, I guess. To not feel like I'd pissed everyone off by being incompetent."

"You're not incompetent." Harmony shook her head. Bill just shook his head and sighed again. "Who were you going to talk to? You said you were going to talk to one of the guys?"

"Oh, uh, Georg." Bill bit at his thumbnail.

"Did you get a chance to?"

"No." He shook his head.

"Are you going to?"

"Yes."

"Today?" She asked.

"If I can, I guess."

"He seems like he's pretty supportive of you, Bill. Out of all of them he looks like he'd be the one that would get what you're saying and maybe convince the others."

"Yeah." Bill nodded. "Georg is cool. He's really the one that has his shit all together."

"You'd be surprised." Harmony smiled.

"Yeah." Bill nodded and gave her a half smile.

-----------------------------

Harmony and Bill talked a little more over the next few hours. Bill opened up a lot about how he felt about the guys and how he wished they would understand that Harmony was there to help. They didn't just talk about Bill though. Harmony filled him in on her new apartment and how it was great even though she only had a bean bag chair and a bed in it. She was decorating it on her own and would end up spending most of her paycheck in Pier 1 Imports.

It was almost one when Bill's stomach let out a loud growl that startled them both. "Whoa, I'm hungry." He laughed lightly and opened the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. He stepped out and took a deep breath of the warm air.

"Yeah." Harmony agreed as her stomach growled back at her.

"We should head over to the arena. There's a cafeteria there and I have a sound check and other things there in an hour."

"Oh. I-"

"You can come." He nodded.

"Bill, I just don't think I should."

"Sure you should. You can see what I do for a living. We've had a deep enough day and you drove all the way out here. You may as well get a free show out of it."

"Speaking of that, how long were you planning on having me here?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "Until the end of the tour." He said to himself. Out loud he said, "A few days? If you can, I mean."

"Bill, I can stay as long as you need me to." Harmony said. She mentally added, "As long as it's shorter than a week."

"Okay." He nodded toward the front door. "Ready?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." He smiled quickly and shut the sliding door behind him. He threw a couple necessities into his backpack and tossed it over his shoulder as they headed for the door. "Do you have your badge?"

"Yeah." Harmony patted her pocket.

"You'll need to put it on when we get in the van. It may get crazy for a while." Bill shut the hotel door and led the way down the hall. He knocked on a door by the elevators and two security guards stepped out and followed them onto the elevator. Harmony stood nervously beside Bill as they rode down and exited through a side door of the hotel.

"Do you always have to have guards with you?" Harmony whispered as they drove across town to the arena.

"Pretty much." Bill nodded and looked out the tinted windows.

"Are the other guys going to be there already?"

"We're supposed to meet up at two. They should either be there or be on their way." Bill glanced at his watch as Harmony drummed her fingers on the window beside her. They rode the rest of the way in silence. They were escorted through a small crowd and into the arena. "First things first. Let's get some food. I'm starving." Bill took her hand and pulled her down the long corridor as they walked behind the security team. They made it to the cafeteria and helped themselves to sandwiches and chips. They sat in a quiet corner and ate.

"So you have a sound check right now?"

"Yeah, then a quick run through of the songs. We have a meet and greet for about an hour, some media stuff and finally the show." He smiled and she could really see that this is where he was happy.

"Insane. You do this every day?"

"Just about." He nodded.

"You must thrive on stress."

Bill shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich. "You kinda have to around here."

"I'd go crazy." She said softly as she looked around at the crowded cafeteria. "No offense."

"None taken." He laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. It was a nervous habit of his she'd just noticed.

"What am I supposed to do while you're out doing all of that?"

"You can watch if you want." He opened his water and took a sip.

"What about after the show?"

"We're packed onto our buses and we head to New York."

"Whoa, Bill, wait. What about my car?" She asked suddenly.

"Oh yeah." He frowned and thought about how to work that.

"I can't just leave it here. How am I supposed to get it back to North Carolina?"

"It's only going to be a few days." Bill argued.

"Bill." She sighed.

"You could always follow behind our caravan of trucks."

"Right." She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'll talk to Benjamin about having your car moved into storage for the few days you'll be with us. I'll get it taken care of."

"Okay." She sighed and they finished eating their lunches.

"Hey, Bill." Benjamin said as he walked up with his hands in his pockets. "Hi, Harmony." He added softly. "I got a call from Dr. Mueller. Is everything okay?"

"Um, yeah." Bill nodded and lowered his eyes. Harmony kicked his in the shin under the table and he looked up quickly. "Well, no. I, uh- Harmony came out here because I cut myself last night and I needed her help. I need her help, I mean. She's going to come with us for a day or so." Bill explained in one breath.

"Okay." Benjamin nodded. "Do you have bags or anything?"

"Yeah, well just a little duffel bag. It's in Bill's hotel room."

"Okay, that'll be packed up with Bill's stuff. Anything else?"

"No." She shook her head.

"Do the other guys know that Harmony will be joining them?" Benjamin pulled up a chair and sat beside them.

"Gustav does." Bill nodded.

"What?" Harmony asked. That took her completely by surprise.

"He came by this morning to get me and I told him. So yeah, the other guys probably know too."

"Okay, good." Benjamin nodded and smiled quickly at both Harmony and Bill. "If you need anything, just let me know." He pushed his chair in and looked down at Bill. "I need you to come with me real quick. There was some stuff covered this morning that you need to be caught up on."

"Oh, okay." Bill wiped his mouth and stood up. "I'll be right back." He said to Harmony.

"Sure, no problem." She stood up beside him and threw her trash away as they left the room. She went back to the front of the room and got herself a soda out of the ice filled tubs.

Harmony looked across the cafeteria and saw Gustav sitting by himself at a table near the back. He had a magazine open in front of him and was eating his french fries with one hand. He didn't notice anything around him. Harmony opened her soda and took a deep breath as she headed across the room and slid into the seat across from him. He looked up quickly when she sat and quickly became consumed by the article the magazine was open to.

"Hi." She said after watching him read for a minute. Gustav didn't answer her, didn't look up and didn't acknowledge that he had even heard her. "Okay, I'll go first. I know that you don't like me. And I know that you have good reason not to. I can live with that. But what I think you may not understand is that you and I are on the same team here. We're both trying to help Bill. He has asked me to be here because I've been where he is. We've been through the same thing so when he tells me he cuts himself, I can nod and say that I understand and help him through it. But, at the same time that he needs me, he needs you too. All of you. You guys are his brothers and his best friends. I can be there for him for things like this but, for everything else in his life, he needs the three of you." Harmony paused for a second waiting for some kind of response from Gustav who had since stopped eating his fries. She rolled her can between her hands and cleared her throat. "You don't have to like me, Gustav, and personally I don't care if you talk behind my back or even right to my face about what kind of a bitch I am. But Bill sees your attitude as a lack of support for him and I don't think that's how you mean it. So you can hate me all you want but you're hurting Bill."

"This little speech of yours isn't going to change anything." Gustav looked up and met her eyes.

Harmony shrugged and sighed. "That's fine. I've said my piece and what you do from here is up to you. You have my respect and that's all I ask in return." Harmony placed her hands flat on the table and stood up. She waited for a second before grabbing her soda and turning to leave.

"Bill thinks we're not supporting him?" Gustav asked softly.

"Yes." Harmony nodded. "He knows you guys would lay down in traffic for him which is why he doesn't understand how come you guys aren't supportive of his decision to seek help."

"We're supportive of his decision. We'd support him on anything. What we don't support is you."

"I'm his decision. You're contradicting yourself." Harmony raised her eyebrow at him.

Gustav stared her down for a minute. He fought an internal battle with himself. One part of him wanted to pull Bill through this without her help. And another part saw how that wouldn't work because Bill wanted Harmony's help.

"If you hurt him, at all, that's the end." Gustav said softly.

"I won't." Harmony said with conviction. She held his gaze for another few seconds. She turned away just in time to hide her slight smile of satisfaction.

Harmony was painfully aware of the eyes watching her as she watched the guys go through their sound check and short rehearsal. Gustav wasn't any more friendly but he had finally stopped throwing her dirty looks. Tom wouldn't even look at her. Georg smiled over at her when he noticed her and he made a point to come over during one of their breaks. "Hi. How are you?"

"I'm okay." She nodded slowly.

"Gustav told me what you said about Bill thinking we're not supporting him." Georg picked at the plastic ring around the top of his water bottle. "And he also told us that Bill cut himself?"

"Yeah." Harmony cleared her throat and tucked her hands in her pockets.

"Really?" Georg looked up questioningly.

"Yeah." She said firmly. "On his leg by his ankle."

"Can you help him?"

"I think so." Harmony nodded and played with a ball of lint in her pocket. "I'm trying anyway."

"We're trying too." Georg said quickly.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I know you guys are trying in your own way. And I'm trying in mine. This isn't something that one of us is going to be able to fix, if you want to call it that. We all need to work together and we can't do that when Gustav has his little Let's all hate Harmony club going on."

"We don't hate you." Georg shook his head and took a drink from his bottle.

"You could have fooled me."

"You have to understand where we're coming from though. For the last ten years we've been each others main support system and when one of us goes outside the group to get help, that's just- I don't know how to explain it. It's like you're in our territory and we're just trying to protect Bill."

"You can't do that. He doesn't need to be protected." Harmony shook her head. "He needs to be listened to and supported in the decisions he makes. See, you guys try to stop things from happening but when they do happen, like Bill cutting himself, all you guys are focused on is not letting it happen again. What you should be worried about is why it happened in the first place and then how to stop it."

"And I suppose you know why?" Georg asked softly. He shook the water around in the bottle and leaned against the wall.

"Yeah, I do. Or at least I have a better understanding as to why."

"He told you?"

"I asked." Harmony shrugged. Georg kind of half laughed at the answer he'd expected.

"We're afraid to know why. You know that, right? It's not that we don't want to help him."

"I know." She nodded. "Because whatever Bill's reason, you guys have probably felt it too."

"Yeah."

"So see? That's why I'm here. I'll ask him and he'll tell me and together he and I can work it out so that you guys can all be back together again. I'm not working this against you. You guys are doing that to yourself."

"Yeah." Georg nodded and smiled at Harmony. "I can see that."

"Good." Harmony smiled back and took her hands out of her pockets. "So will you pass that along to the others?"

"What?"

"That I'm not some psycho-bitch who's trying to turn Bill against you?" She laughed lightly and shuffled her feet.

"Yeah. I'll let them know. But don't expect a warm reception on the bus tonight."

"I don't." Harmony shook her head. "But I can't help that."

"It won't be that bad. Thanks, Harmony." Georg closed the gap between them in two small steps and pulled her in for a hug.

"No problem. Thank you, Georg." She smiled and patted his back quickly just before she caught a glimpse of Tom at the end of the hall. "What- What about Tom?"

"I'll talk to him." Georg nodded and took a step back.

"Thanks." She breathed a sigh of relief as she realized that Georg was the ally she needed and he had been from the beginning.

After the rehearsals and the meet and greet, Bill came to the green room area where she had been waiting. "Did you want to go out front to watch or stay back here?"

"It doesn't matter." Harmony shook her head.

"Which would you prefer?"

"I'll just stay back here. I've already seen the show."

"Okay." He nodded.

"Okay." She smiled and looked at his outfit. "Nice."

"Yeah, well-" He shrugged and laughed. "Tobi is the guard over there with the green shirt on. I think you've met him. If you want, he can take you out to the bus so you can check it out a little before we go on tonight."

"How's that gonna work? I mean, that's gonna be kind of uncomfortable."

"No, tonight after the show we're pumped for a little bit but we get that out of our systems before we get on the bus. By the time we're out of the parking lot almost all of us are asleep."

"Okay." She nodded and looked down at her feet.

"It'll be okay." Bill smiled and tilted her chin up. "Thanks, Harmony."

"Sure." She nodded as he glanced over his shoulder.

"I've gotta go, I'll see you when we're done." He smiled quickly and took off toward the door.

Harmony stood to the side of the stage and watched the performance with her arms crossed. It really was impressive and from this angle she got a totally different perspective. When the show was over the guys rushed off the stage and into the dressing rooms to shower and change as quickly as they could. They mingled with some media people for a little while as Harmony stood off to the side. A while later they were all shuttled out to the awaiting tour bus. They were all sharing one bus while the other bus was having some work done. Harmony pulled up the rear and was the last to climb up onto the bus. She was met with silence. Bill was standing near the front putting something away in a high cabinet while Gustav and Tom sat on the couch and ignored her. She heard bumping around toward the back and assumed it was Georg settling in for the night.

"Bill?" Harmony said softly as the bus started to rumble beneath her feet.

"Hmm?" He asked without looking around. Tom looked up at the sound of her voice and blushed as she caught his eye.

"Where, uh- Where do you want me?" Harmony held onto the handle by the door as the bus lurched forward.

"Oh, um- The couch folds out into a bed if you don't mind sleeping on that. Otherwise I can sleep out here and you can have my bunk."

"I'll take the couch." Harmony said softly. She hadn't moved from her position by the door. The two boys on the couch didn't make a move to vacate her sleeping area so she just waited as Bill finished up what he was doing.

Bill bounced down and looked at Harmony with his hands on his hips. "Tired?"

"Yeah." She nodded and glanced at the couch that was looking more and more inviting by the minute. She covered her mouth as she yawned and balanced herself with her hip against the wall.

"Hey guys, are you gonna be up much longer?" Bill asked.

Tom looked up and sighed exaggeratedly as he pushed himself up off the couch followed by Gustav. "G'night, Tom. G'night, Gustav." Harmony said sweetly.

"G'night." Gustav mumbled as he slipped into the back area.

Bill started to follow them to say something but Harmony stopped him with a hand on his arm. "It's okay. I talked to Gustav. They're cool."

"They're being dicks."

"They're tired." Harmony didn't know why she was sticking up for them all of a sudden but she smiled anyway. "It's okay, Bill."

Bill looked back toward the bunks again with a frown before he sighed. "Are you sure you're going to be okay out here on the couch?"

"I'll be fine." Harmony yawned and fell back on the couch. "Just toss me a blanket or something. I'll be out like a light soon."

"Okay, here." He pulled open another storage space above the couch and pulled down a dark green fleece blanket.

"What's the plan for tomorrow?" Harmony asked softly as she unfolded the blanket.

"Breakfast on the bus and arrive at the hotel around eleven. Then to the arena by two for the show." Bill yawned and looked at her jeans and T-shirt. "Do you want something to sleep in?"

"No, this will be fine." She kicked her shoes off and sat on the couch with the blanket on her lap. The thought of walking around the bus in her underwear or just a T-shirt creeped her out. "What time do people get up around here?"

"I don't know. Whenever. They're quiet though. They know I like to sleep." Bill smiled and leaned against the thin wall as the bus rocked from side to side.

Harmony nodded. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night." He said softly as he reached over her head and switched the lights off. He turned to head toward the bunks then stopped. "Thanks, Harmony." He whispered.

"You're welcome." She whispered back as she lay on her side and adjusted the blanket.

"You're a lifesaver." He smiled.

"Go to bed, Bill." She smiled in the darkness and sighed.

"G'night."

"G'night." She whispered. She heard him pull himself into his bunk. She listened to the sound of four guys sleeping and snoring lightly mixed with the sounds of the tires against the road and the numbing engine sounds. It all slowly lulled her to sleep.

Chapter Three