Lifeline - Chapter One
"No!" Harmony shouted as she stood up quickly enough to knock over her cheap metal folding chair. She threw her cup of water across the room before she swept the contents of the table in front of her to the floor. She kicked the trashcan as hard as she could, which sent paper across the floor, before she stormed out of the group therapy session. Had there been a door she would have slammed it.
Lukas the orderly stood to follow her. "Let her go." Dr. Mueller said gently. Lukas sat back in his chair as the others in the room began to help Dr. Mueller pick up the mess Harmony had created.
"Oh, Dr. Mueller, your papers got wet." Sophie said as she began to cry.
"It's okay, Sophie. Really it's fine. I can get more." Dr. Mueller smiled to set the young lady's mind at ease.
"Why does Harmony do that when we have a group session? If I pulled that shit Lukas would be chasing me down the hall to drag my ass back in here." Jonas grumbled as he crossed his arms and sat back in his chair.
"Jonas, please, watch your language." Dr. Mueller said nicely as she stacked the fallen papers in front of her. "Harmony is still new and it takes some time to adjust." She explained.
"She's been here for three weeks." Jonas continued to frown.
"She doesn't even go to her regular therapy." Cassey practically whispered from her corner.
"She does go to one-on-one therapy, Cassey. You know that it's a requirement."
"She said she doesn't go." Cassey insisted.
"I assure you, she does." Dr. Mueller smiled and folded her hands in front of her. "Now where were we?"
"You were asking Harmony if she was ready to talk with us."
"Clearly she isn't yet ready. Is there anything anyone would like to share? How do you guys feel about having Harmony here?" Dr. Mueller asked slowly. No one said anything for a moment. This was a small group. Only 6 patients. Sophie was the youngest at 18 years old, Cassey was 19, Jonas and Fynn were 20, Harmony was 22 and Niklas was almost 23. Niklas would be leaving soon. He'd finally be going home. They were all here for a multitude of reasons but all of those reasons resulted in attempted suicide.
"I think she doesn't understand that we're here to help her. Has anyone tried talking to her outside of group?" Niklas asked quietly from his seat beside the doctor.
"She doesn't come out of her room. Not even to eat." Jonas pouted. "No one else gets to eat in their room."
"I tried to talk to her once but she just acted like I wasn't even there." Sophie whispered as she wiped her eyes with a tissue.
"That may be something we can try individually during the next few days." Dr. Mueller smiled. "Good idea, Niklas."
"Thank you." He said shyly.
"Next week will be Niklas' last session with us. You will be back for the session, won't you?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"Yeah, I'll be here. I'm bringing pizza for everyone." He smiled.
"Wonderful! We're so proud of you, Niklas." Dr. Mueller stood and hugged the boy. He stood more then six inches taller than she. Niklas allowed to go home for the next week to prepare him for life at home. He had improved over the last nine months of his stay at Ahoskie Behavioral Home.
"That's really cool, Niklas." Cassey said softly. She smiled shyly as she blushed.
"I think we're about done for today unless anyone has anything else they'd like to add?" Dr. Mueller said after a moment. No one responded so she smiled and picked up her papers. "Okay, I'll see you guys later. I'm on this weekend so if you need anything just call."
"Bye, Dr. Mueller." Sophie gave a small wave as the others followed the doctor out the door. Sophie pulled her chair over to the window and watched as it began to rain.
Harmony sat on her bed. She held her knees to her chest and rocked back and forth. She was angry but had no outlet to express it. This place was her own private hell. "Everyone hates me. Even that doctor therapist woman thinks I'm stupid. All she ever does is ask me how I feel. How's that supposed to make me feel better?"
Dr. Mueller stood outside Harmony's door and knocked softly before she pushed it open slowly. "Harmony? You okay?"
"I'm fine." Harmony said through gritted teeth.
"Okay." Dr. Mueller nodded and sat in a chair beside Harmony's bed. "Let me tell you what I think." Harmony glared at the doctor but said nothing. "I think that it's Friday afternoon. I think that you'd rather be anywhere else but here. You would probably rather be at the movies or out with your friends. Anywhere but here, huh?"
"So? I'm locked up here. I can want to be anywhere else but it's not going to do me any fucking good." Harmony kept her eyes on the plastic covered electrical outlet near the baseboard.
"Would you like to watch a movie? There's a DVD player in the recreation room. I can rent any movie you'd like."
"I don't want to watch a movie." Harmony mumbled. "Not in the recreation room anyway."
"Unfortunately we can't have a DVD player in every room." Dr. Mueller smiled and continued. "You could always go into the library. I think Cassey is in there now. Maybe she can suggest some good books for you to read." Harmony just continued to star at the outlet. Dr. Mueller sighed and said, "You know, Harmony, we're all here to help you. Me, Lukas, Donna and Leah, as well as all the other students here."
"Why do you call us students? You should call us captives or patients or something else."
"You are all students. You're learning how to love yourself and how to cope with your specific disorder. You're learning how to interact with your peers in a socially acceptable way."
"Fuck off. Is that acceptable enough for you? I don't have a disorder. I tried to kill myself. That isn't a disorder. It's a shame, a shame I didn't succeed."
"I don't think you really feel that way."
"Yes, I do." Harmony set her jaw and stared at the doctor.
"If you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be here to argue with me." Dr. Mueller stood up and headed for the door. "The offer still stands for a movie. If you think of anything else you'd like, please let me know." She shut the door behind her and left Harmony alone in the pale blue room.
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The ambulance pulled up at the back entrance of Ahoskie Behavioral shortly after 10 that night. It arrived without the usual sirens and running nurses. The patient inside was being admitted unconscious and under the careful guard of a private escort.
"Is this Mr. Kaulitz?" Dr. Mueller asked as she met the gurney at the admitting desk.
"Yes." Benjamin, the escort, said softly.
"He was seen in the emergency department how long ago?"
"About 4 hours." Benjamin explained.
"And he came directly here?"
"Yes." Benjamin nodded.
"Okay." Dr. Mueller nodded and reached for her new patient's arm. He had slit his left wrist twice like a watchband, straight across. That was the most common cut and usually the most unsuccessful. She reached for his right wrist and saw a few small cuts where he had attempted to start a third cut. "Who found him?"
"His brother."
"Where is his brother?"
"He's back at the hotel."
"Has he been seen?" Dr. Mueller looked up quickly.
"Yes. They are all being seen tonight."
"They? How many brothers does he have? How many people found him?"
"Just one." Benjamin said slowly. "But Bill is in a band and all of the guys are pretty shaken up about this. Their manager has called in a private psychiatrist to talk to them."
"Who?"
"The guys?"
"The doctor."
"Mark Matthews." Benjamin said.
"Mark. Yeah, he's good." She nodded and stood to the side as her young patient was wheeled down the hall to what would most likely become his home for the next few months. "I'm Dr. Mueller by the way." She extended her hand.
"Hi. I'm Benjamin Ebel." He shook it.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Ebel." She smiled. "Why don't you come down to my office so I can get a background on this young man." He followed her down the fluorescent lit hallway to her warm office.
They sat across from each other with Dr. Mueller's wide desk between them. "I've read over the chart that the hospital faxed over this evening but is there anything more you can add?" She asked.
"Like what?"
"How has he been lately? Was he under any unusual stress? Has he ever mentioned suicide before?"
Benjamin sighed and closed his eyes. It had been a long night and it wasn't going to get any better. "Bill is a performer. We're at the end of a 4 month US tour. As far as stress goes, he was at his peak. But we all are. And he should be used to it." Benjamin shrugged slowly and thought. "He wasn't acting any differently. Not that I could tell."
"Are you around him enough to know the difference?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"Yes. I see them eight to ten hours a day. Every day." He explained. "I'm their manager."
"We need to focus just on Bill."
"Dr. Mueller, this is a group of guys. They are like brothers. One of them is actually Bill's brother. When I say I see them that means Bill. I know them almost better than they know each other. Bill wasn't acting any differently. If anything he was excited about going home next week." Benjamin paused for a second before continuing softly. "That's what's really killing me. How did I miss it?"
"People who are deeply depressed have a good way of hiding it sometimes. Especially if the person is in the spotlight." Dr. Mueller explained.
"Yeah, he hid it really well." Benjamin sighed and rubbed his temples. "Is there anything else? I need to get back to the other guys."
"Has he ever mentioned suicide before?" She asked.
Benjamin shook his head slowly. "Never."
"Just one more." Dr. Mueller said as she looked through her notes. "What did he cut himself with?"
"Glass. From the mirror in his hotel room." Benjamin frowned and placed his hands on his knees. "A mirror."
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"What the hell have I done?" Bill thought as he pried his eyes open the next morning. He was in an empty room. He felt confused. He knew wasn't in his hotel but he didn't know where he was. He sat up quickly and regretted it immediately. His head exploded with pain as he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. That's when he noticed the bandages on his wrists.
The memory of the night before flashed through his mind. Bill felt the contents of his stomach rise to the back of his throat. He vomited onto the floor beside his bed. Within seconds, a nurse was at his side with one hand on his back and the other pressing a button on the headboard of his bed. "Go ahead and try to sit back." She said softly.
"Leave me alone." Bill croaked as he vomited again. He just narrowly missed the nurse's shoes.
"I'm sorry. I can't do that." She shook her head and helped him lean back in his bed. She pulled a towel out of a drawer beside his bed and handed it to him. "I'm Debbie. You must be Mr. Kaulitz."
"Leave me alone." Bill repeated after wiping his mouth.
"Now, Mr. Kaulitz-"
"Don't call me that."
"What would you like me to call you?"
"A cab." Bill growled before he turned to glare out the window.
"See? You're joking with me already. You're gonna be okay." Debbie smiled and tucked her gray hair behind her ear as Dr. Mueller walked in with Bill's chart in her hand.
"Thanks, Debbie." Dr. Mueller smiled at the nurse. She noticed the mess on the floor. "Can you please call housekeeping?"
"Sure thing, Dr. M." Debbie smiled and headed for the door. "And good morning to you, Mr. A Cab." She tapped the door frame before leaving.
"Who did this to me?" Bill asked as he met the doctor's eye.
"Mr. Kaulitz-"
"It's Bill."
"Bill, do you know why you're here?" She asked.
"It's kind of obvious, don't you think?" He held out his arms. "Yes, I know why I'm here. When can I leave?"
"Bill, you're at Ahoskie Behavioral Home. Heritage Hospital brought you here last night."
"When can I go home?" He asked again.
"You've been admitted here until further notice."
"Bullshit." Bill shook his head. "I made one mistake and I'm stuck here?"
"What do you consider your mistake?"
"What?" Bill asked confused.
"Do you consider not succeeding to be your mistake? Or making the attempt in the first place?"
Bill stared at her for a second. "Making the attempt in the first place." He looked at his hands. He couldn't believe he had actually gone through with it.
Dr. Mueller sat on the edge of his bed for a minute. "Are you feeling okay? No more queasy stomach?"
Bill shook his head. "No. I'm not gonna be sick."
"Do you want to talk?"
"No." Bill stared up at her. "I want to leave."
"I'm sorry. That's not an option right now. Benjamin Ebel has admitted you. By law we have to keep you for 72 hours."
"This is bullshit." He said again.
"Ten hours down. 62 to go. You can make it that long." Dr. Mueller smiled.
"I want to talk to Benjamin."
Dr. Mueller shook her head as she stood up. "He'll be by this afternoon. You can see him then."
"No, I want to call him." Bill's frown creased his forehead.
"No." Dr. Mueller met his stare. "You can see him this afternoon during visiting hours. We're making that exception for you. You should be grateful for that."
"Do you even know who I am?" He asked defiantly.
"Bill, around here you are my patient. That's all that matters to me. Who you are out there," She nodded at the window, "Doesn't mean a thing."
Bill averted his eyes and stared at a snag in his blanket. "After 72 hours I'm leaving."
"Maybe." The doctor nodded slowly. "We'll have to see about that. If you're feeling all right I'd like to talk with you today."
"About what?"
"About why you're here." She smiled. "How do your arms feel?"
"Like they've been sliced open." He said sarcastically.
"If you'd like some Tylenol, you can ring a nurse and they can bring some for you." Dr. Mueller headed for the door. "There's a change of clothes for you on your chair if you'd like."
"Thanks." Bill said out of habit. The doctor grinned as she left Bill in his room.
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"Who's the new guy?" Sophie asked to no one in particular. She was sitting around the recreation room with Jonas, Fynn and a few other patients.
"Who cares?" Jonas asked as he flipped through the pages of a magazine.
"Fynn, do you know?" Sophie asked the silent young man. He had yet to say a word since his arrival almost two month's prior. Fynn shook his head without taking his eyes off the TV in the corner.
"Maybe Harmony knows. Go ask her." Jonas smirked.
"Harmony hates me." Sophie said softly as tears welled up in her eyes.
"So? Why do you care? She's just a stuck up bitch anyways." Jonas muttered under his breath. Sophie sighed and left the rec room quietly.
Harmony was sick of being in her room all the time. She frowned at the walls and mentally decorated the room with her own belongings from home. Nothing was working. She needed to get out. Her only option was to go to the recreation room with all the other freaks. She'd rather stare at her blue walls all day than sit with them. There had to be something else.
Harmony pulled herself off the bed and hiked her jeans up to her waist. She pushed her door open and stepped out into the hall. The nurse at the desk to her right looked up startled. This was the first time Harmony had voluntarily been out of her room for anything other than therapy sessions.
"Hello, Miss Harmony. How are you this morning?" Debbie asked with a surprised smile.
"Is there anywhere I can go to be alone?" Harmony asked with a scowl.
"I don't think the rec room is too busy this morning." Debbie suggested.
"Never mind." Harmony turned to go back to her room.
"Harmony?" Debbie called after her. Without responding, Harmony turned around. "You could always go out on the back porch. It's nothing special but it's quiet."
"Great." Harmony said as she headed down the hall toward the shatter proof glass doors that lead to the outside.
She pushed the doors open and walked across the front of the home. She looked around and for the first time got a look at the building she'd been living in for the last three weeks. It looked almost like a house. It was in the shape of a U with a pool in the open area. There was a tall, locked fence surrounding the pool but the water looked crystal clear even under the dark gray storm clouds above. There were windows looking out onto the pool area which must have been offices because all of the patients' rooms faced the outside.
Harmony continued around to the back of the building where there was a short wood porch surrounded by a flowering bush. She stepped up the wooden stair and sat on the worn out looking beach chair. Debbie was right. It wasn't much of anything but she was outside and by herself.
Harmony took a deep breath and looked out over the back yard, if you wanted to call it that. Basically it was just a big yard with grass. There were poles shoved in the ground that could be used to hold a volleyball net in the summer and a small wooden swing set beyond that. That was it. The barest essentials. Of course, who could miss the nine feet stucco wall surrounding the entire place?
She knew that almost every inch of the home was monitored with security cameras so even though she felt alone, she knew she wasn't. Not really. But that didn't matter. No one was bugging her.
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Bill pulled on the jeans that were left on his chair for him and buttoned the fly. They were a little big but they'd work. He reached for the plain white T-shirt and pulled it over his head before tossing the vomit covered hospital gown into the trashcan by his bed.
He opened his door slowly and poked his head out. "Hey!" He called to the nurse that was in his room that morning.
"Good morning. Are you feeling better?" Debbie asked from her desk to his left.
"Where's Dr. Mueller?" He asked.
"She's in her office. Do you need something?"
"Yeah, I need-" He was going to ask for something to eat when a terrible thought struck him. He didn't just show up at the hospital last night. Someone found him. Someone came into his room and found him lying in the bathroom undoubtedly covered in blood. Someone called 911 and took him to the emergency room. Someone saved his life. "Where's her office? I need to see her now." Bill said forcefully as he began to shake.
"I'll call her." Debbie reached for her phone and dialed the doctor's extension.
"Now! I need to see her NOW!" Bill quickly turned and started down the hall.
"Wait a second." Debbie stood up with the phone in her hand.
Dr. Mueller turned the corner and almost ran right into Bill. "I bet you're-" She began.
"Who brought me in?" Bill interrupted her.
"Excuse me?"
"Who brought me in?"
"Into here? You arrived by ambulance from Heritage hospital. Mr. Ebel came with you."
"Who took me to Heritage?" Bill asked quickly. He grabbed onto the doctor's coat.
"I don't know, Bill. That's not part of the records."
"I need to know who found me. I need to know right now." His teeth began chattering as his body shook. He felt like he was going to be sick again.
Dr. Mueller could see Bill was on the verge of an anxiety attack so she calmly rested her hand on his shoulder and said. "Why don't you come to my office and we'll give Benjamin a call?"
"Right now?" Bill asked.
"Right now." The doctor nodded. She led the way down the hall to her office and shut the door behind them. Bill sat in the chair beside her desk and tapped his feet nervously. He clenched his fists in his lap trying to keep them from bouncing all over the place. "Please, please I need to know who found me." His voice shook uncontrollably.
Dr. Mueller nodded as she picked up her phone and dialed Benjamin's number. "Hello, Mr. Ebel? This is Dr. Mueller." She said softly.
"Is something wrong?" Benjamin asked quickly.
"No, everything is fine. Bill needs to speak with you for a moment."
"Okay." Benjamin said. "He's okay then?"
"We'll have to talk about that more later." Dr. Mueller nodded and handed the phone over to Bill.
"Who found me?" He asked quickly.
"Bill, what happened?" Benjamin asked.
"Who? Damn it, Benjamin, who found me?"
"Come on, Bill-"
"Who?" Bill shouted.
"Tom." Benjamin said softly.
Bill's body shook with sobs and he dropped the phone to the floor. "No no no no no." Bill shook his head as he rocked back and forth in the chair. It wouldn't have made a difference who he would have said, but the last person Bill wanted it to be was Tom. The one person in the world Bill would never, ever want to witness such a horrifying event had found him.
Dr. Mueller picked up the phone. "Mr. Ebel?"
"Shit. Is he okay?" Benjamin asked.
"What did you tell him?"
"That Tom was the one who found him. He's Bill's twin brother." Benjamin sniffed obviously in tears himself.
"We'll talk about this later." Dr. Mueller placed the phone back on the receiver and gently placed a hand on Bill's shoulder.
"Shit. Damn it, Tom." Bill said angrily as he held his head in his hands. "I need to call Tom." He looked up at the doctor with tears streaming down his face.
"Right now isn't the time for that." Dr. Mueller explained gently.
"I just fucked up his life. Can't I apologize for that?" Bill growled as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"Bill, right now you need to pull yourself together. Benjamin is coming this afternoon to visit with you. You can talk to him more then."
"No, I need to call Tom." Bill shook his head. "I need to call him."
"I don't think that would be a good idea right now. You're my patient Bill and I can't have you this upset."
"I just need to talk for one minute." Bill pleaded.
"Benjamin will be here this afternoon. You can make some calls then." Dr. Mueller stood up.
"I need to explain it to him though." Bill sniffed and wiped his eyes again.
"Why don't we start our first session now. Why don't you explain it to me."
Bill stared at her for a full minute before saying, "You won't understand."
"Try me." The doctor challenged.
"No." Bill stood up and left the doctors office. The door shut slowly behind him. He retreated to his room and stayed there for the remainder of the afternoon until Lukas came to get him for his visit with Benjamin.
Lukas escorted Bill down the long hall around to the other side of the building. He opened a door and led Bill into the room. "Benjamin and your friend will be in in a minute. They're with Dr. Mueller right now." Lukas smiled as Bill sat on the couch.
"Okay." Bill nodded as Lukas left. "Wait, Benjamin and a friend? Oh God. Not Tom." Bill looked up quickly as the door opened and Benjamin walked in. "Yes Tom."
"Oh God." Bill whispered as Tom crept into the room. His eyes were red and his nose was running. If Bill didn't know any better he'd have thought his brother had been doing lines all morning. "Tom- I-"
"Bill." Tom said as he flew into the room and grabbed Bill tightly. "Oh God Bill." He held his brother close and broke down in tears. "You asshole."
"Tom, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Bill cried as he held Tom so tight it hurt.
"What the hell happened, Bill?"
"I don't know." Bill shook his head but couldn't make himself let go.
"You were fine. We were going out with the G's and then you're on the bathroom floor. What happened, Bill? What?"
"I don't know." Bill took a step back and looked at his friend. His big brother.
"We were all stressed about this whole tour thing."
"No, that's not it. I really don't know."
"Damn it, Bill. You scared the hell out of me. Out of all of us."
"Where are the G's?" Bill asked tentatively.
"They couldn't come." Benjamin said. Bill's face fell and his heart sank through the floor. "Of course they couldn't come, they hate me." Bill thought to himself. "You aren't technically supposed to have visitors at all for the first week." Benjamin explained. "And it was hard enough getting Tom in here."
"Tom-" Bill looked back at him. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
Tom nodded and looked at his shoes. "You're gonna have to- Bill- You have to stay here."
"No, Tom. I'm okay. I want to go back with you guys."
Benjamin shook his head and placed his hand on Bill's shoulder. "The remainder of the shows have been canceled."
"No! Benjamin, that's crazy!"
"You need to stay here, Bill."
"It's not like I'm gonna do this again!"
"I know." Tom said a little too quickly. "But you did this because you have shit going on in your head. We just- You need to figure that out."
"I told you, I don't know why I did this."
"That's why you need to be here, Bill." Tom explained softly. "That's why."
"You can't make me stay here." Bill said defiantly. He set his jaw and dared either of them to say otherwise.
Tom tilted his head to the side and looked at Bill. A sad look crossed his face. "You have to stay here, Bill. We all need you, you know that. You hold us all together and we can't do that without you there. But we need you to be well." He pulled Bill close for another hug.
"But the G's-"
"They want you back in one piece, Bill. They're all saying their prayers for you so you can get back with us soon." He patted Bill on the back and sighed. "Until then, you have to stay here."
"What does everyone think?" Bill asked suddenly.
"About what?" Benjamin asked from the doorway.
"About the tour being canceled?"
"It was just a few more shows." Benjamin shrugged. "As far as anyone knows, you're sick. The shows will be rescheduled at a later date but for now the guys are taking a well deserved vacation to an undisclosed location."
"So the media hasn't pick up on this?"
"No, and they won't." Benjamin said.
"I'm sorry." Bill shook his head and stood up.
"I've got it under control." Benjamin smiled and draped his arm over Bill's shoulders. "You just keep your mind on figuring this stuff out. Let us worry about everything else."
"Why can't I just go home and see a doctor there?" Bill asked like a whiny kid.
"This place is the best." Benjamin explained. "We're all gonna be staying out here anyways. This will work out."
"I don't want to stay, you know."
"I know." Tom nodded. "But you have to. For everyone else and for yourself." Bill nodded as tears threatened to fall. "You're gonna be okay."
"I know." Bill whispered.
"You are Bill." He said again. "You know why, right?" Tom smiled.
"Why?" Bill whispered.
"Somewhere there will be a place where your heart and spirit will go free. You know that, Bill." Tom smiled and hugged Bill again. "You know that."
"I know, Tom. Thanks." He pat his brother's back. "I love you. I'm so sorry for everything."
"Don't be sorry. Just get better. I love you too."
"We need to get going." Benjamin said quietly from the doorway.
"I'll call you okay?" Tom said as he headed for the door.
"Tom-"
"I'll get the G's together and we'll all call you." Tom forced a smile and waved.
Bill nodded. "Okay."
"Okay." Tom looked at the floor as he left Bill in the room alone.
Bill watched them walk down the hall before he sat on the floor by the door and covered his face with his hands. He had ruined everything. They would never be the same again.
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On Bill's third day at Ahoskie Behavioral, the weather had cleared up enough to plan outside activities. Harmony's group and the other 18 patients were outside playing volleyball and soccer and basically just hanging around. Harmony stayed out long enough to get some "Good wholesome fresh air," as Debbie had put it, before she retreated back indoors. She wasn't a fan of all this socializing.
Harmony walked around the building and back in the front doors. She was greeted by the admissions nurse. "Had enough of the outdoors?" She smiled.
"Yeah." Harmony mumbled as she brushed past her and headed down the hall to the library. She pushed the curtain aside and she stepped inside. She had been here a few times before but Cassey was always curled up on the couch reading some kind of trashy romance novel. No one was here now.
Harmony skimmed the shelves and chose The Complete Works of Shakespeare in it's old leather cover and worn pages. She pulled up one of the floor pillows and sat with her back against the wall under the window to let the sun shine in on the pages.
She was lost in the world of dreams and fairies. She didn't notice when the curtain was pushed aside and a young man walked in. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here." Bill said as he stopped just inside the doorway.
Harmony jumped and looked up from her book, "H- Hi." She stammered.
"Hi." He picked at his fingers. She was the first person other than the staff that he had talked to. She was the first person like him he'd talked to.
"Who are you?" She asked suddenly.
"Who are you?" He looked up and caught her eye.
"I'm a student here."
"Student? My ass." He rolled his eyes.
"And you?"
"I guess I am too."
"What are you here for?" She asked. She looked at him as if he was a bug under a microscope.
"None of your business." He cast a glare in her direction before he reached up and brushed his hair off his forehead.
"Oh, I see." She noticed the white gauze around his wrist. "The old razor trick? Did you leave a note? Were you lying in the bathtub with the water running? Did you even do it right? You know, up and down instead of side to side?" She imitated the move on her own arm. "Obviously you didn't. You're here." She looked disgusted.
Bill stood there for a second in stunned silence. No one had ever spoken to him like that. No one. He finally came to his senses and spat, "Fuck off." He turned on his heel and left Harmony alone in the library. That's exactly what she wanted.
The next day Harmony had her one-on-one counseling session with Dr. Mueller at 3:00 pm. She sat in the doctor's office behind a closed door. "Harmony, do you think you're adjusting okay?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"What do you think?" Harmony crossed her arms and stared at the doctor.
"I personally think you aren't trying very hard."
"I shouldn't have to try."
"The solution won't just fall into your lap, you know."
"That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean then?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"Nothing." Harmony said softly.
"Okay." Dr. Mueller nodded a second later. "I know that you're not comfortable sharing your experience with the others in your group but I think that really may help."
"How? How would that help?" Harmony's eyes filled with tears as she asked.
"Those kids have been through a lot of the same things you've been through." The doctor explained. "And just talking about it helps sometimes."
"They haven't been through the same things I have." Harmony sniffed.
"You'd be surprised." Dr. Mueller said slowly.
"I just want to go-" She couldn't finish the sentence. There was nowhere she really wanted to go.
"Home?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"No." Harmony shook her head. "I'm here because I can't stand my home. I just want to be anywhere but here."
"You tell me where you want to be and I'll work my hardest to get you there, Harmony."
"I want to be dead." Harmony whispered. "That's the only place I want to be."
"Harmony." Dr. Mueller's heart broke hearing this young girl say that. She knew that the people that came here were so hurt and so depressed. She wanted to help them all but it was hard to remain objective when you truly loved the kids you were helping. "There are better places to be."
"Like where? No one gives a shit about me. My parents sent me to live with my aunt because they couldn't stand me. She left me home alone for months at a time. I don't have any friends, no family, no teachers, nothing." This was the most she'd shared since she was brought in.
"I care about you." Dr. Mueller said. "If you give these other students a chance, they'd care too."
"So? They're all losers and freaks anyways. I mean look how messed up they are." Dr. Mueller just smiled without saying a word. Harmony paused for a second and thought about what she'd said. She cracked a small smile. "You know what I mean."
"I know what you mean, Harmony." Dr. Mueller continued to smile. "And I think the others would too."
"Forget it." Harmony's smile faded. "I'm not talking to them." She shook her head.
"That's fine. You don't have to talk to them. You don't have to talk to anyone. But what I would like is for you to stay in the group sessions for the entire hour." Dr. Mueller folded her hands on her desk. "Storming out doesn't help anything. It just agitates the others."
"So?" Harmony asked.
"So that's not acceptable." The doctor said with authority. "If you can't sit for an hour with us, we're going to have problems."
"All they do is complain about their lives."
"They're coming to terms with their problems. They're getting better."
"I think I'm all right."
Dr. Mueller nodded slowly. "I think you are too. I just think that you need to open your eyes to a few things."
"My eyes are open." Harmony looked at the clock and said. "Times up. I'll see you Friday." She stood up and walked out of the office.
"No, honey. Your eyes are shut tight." Dr. Mueller said softly as the door closed behind the troubled young lady.
-----------------------------
Bill took advantage of the nice weather the next day and walked around outside. He carefully avoided the groups of other students chatting or playing games. He walked toward the back of the building and up onto what looked like an abandoned porch. He pulled a little flimsy notebook out of his back pocket and sat in the shaded corner opposite a ratty looking beach chair. He took the felt tip pen he was given and began jotting down some ideas in his book.
Harmony sat on the grass absorbing the warmth of the sun for almost an hour before the group of chattering girls edged closer to her. When one finally turned to her and asked, "You're Harmony right?" She had to get out of there.
She stood up and brushed her butt off. "Yes." She walked around the end of the building to her porch. She began calling it her porch when she realized that no one else went near it. It had cobwebs in all the corners and the floor looked almost completely rotted out. She hopped up the step and turned to sit in the broken chair.
"What are you here for?" Bill asked from his position on the floor.
Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. When her eyes focused on him she squinted down at him. "We're all here for the same reason."
"Well?" Bill asked.
"I OD'd." Harmony said as she stuck her chin in the air.
"Or tried to." Bill shut his notebook and looked up at her.
"No, I did overdose. I took more than the prescribed dosage amount, it just didn't have the effect I wanted."
Bill paused for a second, Debating whether or not he should say what came to mind. "Screw it." He decided. "Bummer." He said as he held her stare.
"Fuck off." She raised an eyebrow at him and stormed off.
-----------------------------
On Thursday, Bill had been at Ahoskie Behavioral for almost a week. He'd seen the doctor a few times since then. He didn't like it but he'd seen her.
"Bill, you don't know why you did this?"
"No." He said softly. He cast a dirty look in the doctor's direction.
"Were you angry?"
"No." He repeated.
"Were you hurt?"
"No." He stared up at her. "I just felt like it."
"Hmm, I see." She shook her head and walked around her desk to sit in her chair. "Bill, have you ever felt like that before?"
"I don't know."
"Have you ever told anyone you thought about suicide?" She asked.
"No, because I never did."
"So a week ago you were just standing around getting ready to go out and you thought, 'Hey, before I go I think I'll try to kill myself?' then proceeded to break the mirror and cut yourself?"
"I didn't break the mirror." Bill said quickly.
"You didn't? It said in the report you cut yourself with a piece of broken mirror." She flipped through his chart again. She knew full well that's exactly what it said.
"But I didn't break the mirror to kil-" He stopped. "cut myself."
"Why did you break it?"
"It was an accident." Bill said.
"Do you remember picking up the glass?'
"Yes, and I don't want to talk about it."
"That's part of the process, Bill. Talking about that moment."
"I'm not playing that game. I told you I don't know why I did this. I just felt like it."
"That's not good enough, Bill. I don't think you're a mental case. I know you have rational thoughts/ I just don't know which rational thought you had that said to cut yourself."
"Your guess is as good as mine." Bill frowned. "Can I go now?"
"To your room?"
"Home."
"Bill, you've admitted yourself here until you're diagnosed as 'okay' to go home. I don't think you are. Until you've identified your 'demons' we won't know how to deal with them so that nothing like this happens again."
"You sound like you're trying to cure me from a disease."
"I guess in a way I am." She smiled. "The killing yourself disease."
"I don't want to kill myself." Bill said softly.
"Ahhh, but you did."
"Can I leave now? To my room?"
"Sure." She nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow in group therapy. Two o'clock, okay?"
"Got it." Bill nodded as he bolted from her office.
-----------------------------
There was a knock on Bill's door about an hour after dinner. He wasn't in the mood for another visit from the doctor so he didn't say anything. Whoever it was knocked again then pushed the door open slowly. "Bill?" Lukas asked as he stepped into the room.
"What?" He asked angrily. "Don't I get any privacy?"
"Not around here." Lukas smiled and handed Bill a small piece of paper. "Here you go. You're not allowed to get personal calls in your first week but these guys wanted me to pass on the message. We're not even supposed to do that but I think this may help you snap out of your funk."
Bill unfolded the note written on a phone message slip.
Time: 6:45 pm
Date: Thurs
To: B. Kaulitz
From: Gustav, Georg, Tom
Phone number: Tom's cell
Message: We're thinking about you. We'll talk to you this weekend.
Just seeing those words on paper brought tears to Bill's eyes. He folded the note and shoved it in his pocket. "Thanks, Lukas."
"Did it work?" Lukas smiled with a twinkle in his eye.
"Thanks, Lukas." Bill repeated. He sat with his back to the older man. Lukas shrugged and shut the door behind him as he left. Bill sat on the edge of his bed and took the bandages off his wrists. They'd healed a lot and he could have taken the bandages off a couple days ago but he hadn't been ready to see. He was ready now.
Bill dropped the bandage to the floor and examined his cuts. There were tiny black stitches holding the skin together, and a little bit of dried blood around the edges. Overall it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. He held his arm close to his nose to look closer. He stared until he could see each individual stitch. He'd come so close, so close to ending everything. Those little two-inch cuts were almost enough to take it all away.
He had spent the last six days being angry with himself and everyone around him. He was angry that he had even tried to kill himself. He was angry that he hadn't succeeded. He was angry that no one here understood. He was angry that he couldn't go home and figure this out himself. He didn't need the doctor to examine his head and tell him why he did this. He could figure it out himself. Or so he thought. Seeing those words and knowing that the guys didn't hate him and were genuinely worried about him made him realize that he needed a lot of help. The sooner he figured this stuff out the sooner he could go home and get back to normal. He sighed and lay back on the bed with his arm over his eyes.
-----------------------------
Bill stared at the ceiling. He counted the cracks and sang songs in his head. It was after 2 in the morning but he couldn't sleep. He continued the concert in his head as he stood up and stretched his arms over his head. He yawned and hitched up his pajama pants as he pulled his door open slowly.
The nurse at the desk outside his door looked up from her book. "Can't sleep?" She asked.
Bill shook his head and stepped into the hall.
"Would you like something to help you sleep?"
He shook his head again and walked barefoot down the hall to the library. He pulled the curtain closed and went to the shelf to retrieve the book he'd been reading earlier. He sat on the couch and turned on the lamp that sat on the end table. He made himself comfortable and opened the book to the marked page as he yawned again. He read for an hour before his eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep with his head resting on the arm of the couch.
Harmony crawled out of bed at 4:30 am and crept out into the hall. "Good morning, Harmony. You're up early." Taylor the nurse smiled.
Harmony just grumbled at her and headed down the hall to the library. She walked with her head low and a scowl on her face. When she reached the library, she pulled the curtain aside and stepped in before yanking it closed behind her. She noticed Bill asleep on the couch. The pale yellow light from the lamp behind him making him look like an angel. She felt her heart quicken slightly as she stood there watching his even breathing.
She took the Shakespeare book off the shelf and walked over to the couch where Bill was asleep. The book he was reading was about to fall so she placed her book on the floor and took the book from his hand. She folded down the page and placed the book on the table by his head before turning the light out and heading for her window. She pulled up her floor pillow and made herself comfortable before she escaped again into the magical world of A Midsummer Nights Dream.
An hour later Bill rolled in his sleep and came inches from falling off the couch. He jerked awake and sat up quickly. He ran his hands over his head as the bright sunlight spread across the room. Bill rubbed his eyes and stood up to stretch his back. He yawned loudly and noticed that the book he was reading was placed in the middle of the table beside him. He remembered reading it the night before but he didn't remember marking the page and placing it on the table.
Bill frowned and picked up the book to re-shelve it when he noticed Harmony curled up on the floor pillow under the window. The thick book of Shakespeare was propped open with her hand and her curly blonde hair covered half of the page.
He quickly put the book away before he reached into a drawer on the desk for a piece of paper and a pencil. He scribbled a note quickly. "Hey. Thanks and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said-" He shouldn't have said what? He thought to himself for a minute. "I shouldn't have said 'bummer'" He folded it in half and stuck it on her book. He sighed and went back to his room to get dressed for the day. It was Friday which means it would be his first adventure into group therapy.
He hung around in the halls for most of the day. He would write in his notebook and tried to keep his mind off what everyone was thinking about him. He'd noticed more stares over the last few days and he figured people were finding out who he was. That made him the most uncomfortable. People knowing who he was and judging him by that. He sighed and shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he walked around the building to the abandoned porch.
Harmony wiped tears from her eyes and blew her nose as she heard footsteps splashing in the shallow puddles beside the porch. It had rained most of the morning and the backyard was covered with shiny spots of pooled water. She stood up as Bill rounded the corner and stepped up onto the porch. "What did you mean by that?" She asked quickly.
"By what?" He asked. He stopped a few feet in front of her.
"Your note." She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Nothing. I just meant thanks for moving my book and for marking my page. And that I was sorry I said 'bummer.' It was uncalled for." He said softly.
"Why?"
"Why was it uncalled for? I just wasn't raised that way. I never would have said anything like that before."
"You've never said bummer before?" She asked sarcastically.
"I've never said anything like that to intentionally hurt someone else. Someone I don't even know." He said defensively. "I was just trying to be- I was saying sorry. If you don't appreciate it then forget it."
She stared at him for a minute. Her mind was reeling. "He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care whether I live or die. If I had succeeded, he would never have known or cared. If he had succeeded, I never would have know or cared. So why do I care about his apology? Why does it feel so important to me?"
She looked up and noticed him staring at her. He was still waiting for an answer. She took a deep breath and before she could change her mind she whispered. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He said just as softly. He hadn't expected an answer. He had expected to watch the back of her head as she walked away.
"Um- And I'm sor-" She paused for a second. "I was out of line."
Bill nodded and extended his hand toward her. "Even?"
Harmony stared at his outstretched hand. She hadn't voluntarily touched another person in months. She nodded. "Yeah. Even." Bill left his hand in midair for another second before lowering it to his side uneasily.
"I'm- Uh- I'm Bill."
"You have a last name?" Harmony smirked.
"Bill- Um- Kaulitz." He cleared his throat and nervously looked at his shoes.
"Why are you so nervous?"
"I'm just afraid people will know who I am." He kind of half smiled and looked up at her. She was still standing a step above him.
"Why would people know you?" She crossed her arms over her chest.
"I'm kind of famous."
Harmony looked at him for a second as she felt her guard slip lower. "Famous? For?" She finally asked.
"It's none of your business." Bill said. He meant it as a joke but she misunderstood. Her eyes grew dark as she stepped around him and walked back towards the front of the building. "Wait! I was only kidding." Bill said as he followed around the corner. She didn't slow down as she pulled the front doors open and let herself in. "Shit." Bill grumbled under his breath. He trotted around the corner and into the building after Harmony.
Harmony stormed down the hall towards her room. "I don't need him! I don't need anyone! I just accepted his apology and then he has to be a total jerk! Just kidding? Yeah, right! Why should he care? Why do I care so much?"
"Hey, slow down." Lukas smiled as Harmony flew past him in the hallway. She didn't slow down or look back as she went into her bedroom and slammed the door.
The door didn't make a sound as it slowly drifted closed. She could slam it all she wanted but it wouldn't go any faster. Bill appeared at the end of the hall in time to see her door drift shut. "Hey, that girl that just came by here. Where'd she go?"
"Harmony? She went that way." Lukas pointed down the hall. Bill nodded and walked to her doorway and knocked despite the door still being open about a quarter of the way. He heard her fall onto the bed and sigh.
"Harmony?" He asked softly.
"Go away." She said loudly from inside the room.
"I just wanted to-"
"I don't care!" Harmony shouted as she flung the door open and stood nose to nose with Bill. She was taller than he thought. Her blonde curls shook as she continued her tirade. "I don't care about you or your stupid name! I don't care about your stupid attempt to cut your hands off! I don't want to hear anything else you have to say!" A small crowd had gathered in the hall to listen.
Bill stood there. Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. This attack came out of nowhere. "Hang on-" Bill started as he put his hands up in defense.
"Bill, go to your room please. Harmony, my office." Dr. Mueller said loudly as she stepped into view. She had witnessed the entire scene.
"I was only trying to-"
She cut Bill off. "Bill, please. We'll talk about this later."
"All I was trying to do was say-"
"Later." Dr. Mueller took Harmony by the arm and guided her down the hall. Harmony was shaking as she entered the doctors office.
"Let me leave, please!" Harmony said as the doctor shut the door and sat at her desk. "I don't want to be here!"
"Harmony, what happened out there?"
"Nothing." Harmony clammed up suddenly.
"That didn't look like nothing to me."
"He's just a jerk." She crossed her arms and dropped her chin to her chest.
"What did Bill say to provoke your reaction?"
"He made me feel stupid." Harmony practically whispered.
"Harmony, I'm sure he didn't mean it." Dr. Mueller said. She hoped was right. "Can you tell me what was said?"
"No." Harmony shook her head.
"Is the problem resolved?"
"If he'll stop talking to me."
"He's talking to you?" Dr. Mueller looked up from her desk.
"Yes." Harmony pouted.
"And you're talking to him?" This was a huge first step. Even if Harmony was upset, at least she was talking!
"No. Yes. Not really." She sighed and said. "I commented on his injuries."
"Harmony-" Dr. Mueller groaned inwardly. "That's an extremely touchy subject for most students here. Especially new ones."
"I know." Harmony said defiantly.
"Is that why you said it?"
"Maybe."
"In that case I don't see why you were upset with him." Dr. Mueller commented. Harmony didn't say a word. She just stared at the doctor. "Did he, by chance, retort with a comment about you?" Harmony didn't move a muscle. "He had every right you know."
"No he didn't." She angrily brushed her hair out of her face.
"He did." Dr. Mueller said softly.
"He doesn't even know me."
"And you don't know him."
"He told me he wished I was dead." She whispered as tears fell off her cheeks.
"Harmony-" Dr. Mueller's heart stopped as she thought of the impact of what the young girl in front of her had just said.
"He doesn't even know me and that's what he wants."
"Harmony, I'm sure-"
"No, you're not. You're not sure of anything." Harmony glared at the doctor and stood up. "Can I go?"
"Yes, you can go. I'll see you at the group session today."
"Do I have to go?"
"Yes."
"Even though I came here?"
"Yes." Dr. Mueller nodded and stood to walk Harmony out. Harmony stomped down the hall and out the front doors. Dr. Mueller went to Bill's room. She knocked softly before she pushed the door open. "Bill, we need to talk."
"Dr. Mueller, all I was trying to do was apologize." Bill said as he jumped up from his bed.
"Wait. I just spoke with Harmony and I'd like to hear what was said."
"She asked me what my name was. I told her and she asked why I was nervous so I told her I was scared of people knowing who I am because of being famous. She asked what I was famous for and I told her it was none of her business. But I was joking. I told her I was joking but then she started yelling at me."
"You didn't tell her you wanted her dead?" Dr. Mueller asked.
The blood drained from Bill's face. "God-" He mumbled.
"Bill, that's a very serious thing to say around here. I'm sure you know that."
"I do know that." He sat back on the bed and hung his head. "I know that. But I apologized for that already. We both did sort of."
"Why don't you tell me exactly what happened. From start to finish." Dr. Mueller sat at the foot of Bill's bed. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He told her the entire story. When he was finished the doctor stood up. "I'm glad you were able to talk with her Bill. None of the others have been able to get through that wall she has built up."
"I can see why." He grumbled. "I'll be keeping my distance from now on."
"Don't shut her out, Bill." Dr. Mueller shook her head. "This is the biggest improvement she has made since she's been here. She's been shut out all her life. You must have sparked something in her to make her open up even for that little bit."
"Forget it. I'm not going to do anything for her if she's not going to appreciate it. It's a waste of my time. And besides, isn't this about making me better?"
"It's about everyone. Making everyone better. And realizing it takes all of you working together to make it better."
"Forget it. She can be someone else's project. I'd rather deal with the guy that doesn't talk." Bill shrugged.
"His name is Fynn. Fynn doesn't need your help right now. Harmony does."
"No thanks." Bill shook his head. "If I wanted to be screamed at I'd go back on tour."
"Did you just share a little about your problem?" Dr. Mueller smiled.
"No." Bill folded his arms across his chest in the same attitude Harmony showed.
"I think you guys were put here to help one another." Dr. Mueller stood up and headed for the door. "Don't forget. Group session in an hour."
"I know."
"We're having pizza so don't be late." The doctor waved as she shut the door behind her. Bill sighed and frowned as he looked out the window. Pizza wasn't going to brighten his mood this time.
-----------------------------
Bill was late for group session. He could smell the pizza from the hallway. His stomach growled as he walked through the doorway cautiously. Bill looked around the room while he assessed his position. Fynn was sitting at the table. Sophie and Cassey were scooping up slices of pizza. Jonas was scowling in the corner. Niklas was chatting with Dr. Mueller near the drinks. Harmony was nowhere to be found.
"Hi, Bill! I'm glad you decided to join us." Dr. Mueller smiled when she noticed Bill standing there. "Come in."
"What's the occasion?" Bill asked as he pulled up a chair beside Fynn.
"Niklas is going home." Dr. Mueller smiled proudly as she draped her arm over Niklas' shoulder. "He's been home all this week. He just came back for a final group session. And to bring us pizza." She laughed and reached for the slice on her plate.
"Oh." Bill said without emotion.
"Eat up. I know you missed lunch. You must be starving." Dr. Mueller handed Bill a paper plate.
Bill took the plate wordlessly and helped himself to a piece of plain cheese pizza. He grabbed a water and sat down beside Fynn to eat. "Where's Harmony?" Cassey asked as she and Sophie sat across from Fynn and Bill.
"I don't know." Dr. Mueller frowned. "Lukas? Can you please see if you can find Harmony. She's supposed to be here."
"Sure thing, Dr. M." Lukas saluted the doctor on his way out.
"Are you feeling better, Bill?" Dr. Mueller asked between bites of pizza.
"Yes." Bill said. He just stared at his plate.
"I'm sure everyone here is aware of the little scene we had in the hallway. Does anyone have anything they'd like to share?" Dr. Mueller asked.
"Why was she yelling at you?" Sophie asked quietly. She hid her face behind Cassey as she blushed.
Dr. Mueller looked at Bill waiting for an answer. "She can look at me all day. I'm not talking." Bill thought.
"She was upset with Bill over a misunderstanding." Dr. Mueller explained.
"There was no misunderstanding." Harmony said from the doorway.
"I'm glad you could join us, Harmony. Why don't you get something to eat and a drink. We can sit and talk about this calmly." Dr. Mueller smiled.
"I'm not hungry." Harmony growled as she dropped herself into a chair beside the door. She glared at the rest of the group.
"That's fine. You don't have to eat but I would like for you to join us at the table. This is a group session even if it looks like a party." Dr. Mueller explained holding Harmony's gaze. Harmony didn't move but Dr. Mueller never averted her eyes.
Finally Harmony heaved a huge sigh and dragged her chair loudly across the floor until she was seated two feet from the table. "Close enough." Dr. Mueller smiled and turned back to the rest of the patients. "As I was saying, there was a misunderstanding."
"No there was not. He told me he wished I was dead." Harmony said angrily.
"I did not!" Bill practically shouted. "And I already told you I was sorry about that! You're just pissed right now because I told you it was none of your business."
"That's not why I'm pissed off." Harmony narrowed her eyes at him.
"Yeah it is. And it was a joke. I told you it was a joke. It's not my fault if you don't have a sense of humor." Bill said defensively.
"I'm sure Harmony has a delightful sense of humor in more friendly situations." Dr. Mueller said in Harmony's defense. "This is a hard place to adjust to. Sometimes a sense of humor is low on the priority list."
"I've already apologized and I'm not doing it again. She can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it." Bill folded his arms across his chest and glared from the doctor to Harmony.
"Bill, I don't appreciate the language. I know that you have apologized. I know that Harmony knows that as well. If she chooses not to accept your apology that is her right." Dr. Mueller explained calmly.
"He doesn't have to be such a dick." Harmony mumbled.
"I mean it. Watch the language." Dr. Mueller said again. "You all don't have to get along with each other. I've told you that from the start. But you do have to treat each other with respect. You will not call each other names."
Harmony grumbled something under her breath and crossed her arms. For the rest of the group session Bill and Harmony remained silent. Dr. Mueller didn't want to push them too hard. She knew they'd come around on their own.
-----------------------------
It was a few days later when they finally did come around. Harmony walked up on Bill sitting on the old porch. He was busy scribbling in his little book. She was sick of being around the others inside. She sighed and leaned on the railing. She looked down at Bill. "What do you want?" He asked without looking up.
"So how are you famous?" She asked a minute later.
"That's just going to annoy you until I answer you, isn't it?" He didn't take his eyes off the page.
"How?"
"I'm front-man of a band called Tokio Hotel. My twin brother and I started it when we were young and we've been performing for ten years." He shrugged. "We just left Asia and have been doing a US tour. We're known worldwide. The only people I really trust are my brother, my mom and step-dad, my band mates and my Oma- Or 'grandmother' as you'd probably call her." He cracked a small smile and squinted up at her. She had the sun behind her. He couldn't make out her facial expression but she didn't move to leave so he assumed she wasn't upset.
"You're in a boyband, aren't you?" She asked another minute later.
Bill sighed. He had heard that so many times. He didn't feel like arguing. "Yeah." He nodded.
"So why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you slit your wrists?"
"Why did you OD?" He asked quickly.
"You show me yours, I'll show you mine." She said softly. She almost let a smile escape.
"I don't know why."
"Sure you do." Harmony rolled her eyes at him and sat on the step.
"No, I don't." He shook his head.
"That's not good enough for me to share my story." She stood up and started to walk away.
"Wait." Bill stood up and followed her for a few steps. "I really don't know. I just thought it would be better. I don't know." He shook his head.
"Whatever." Harmony shrugged and walked around to the front of the building. She left him outside by himself.
He sighed and went back to the porch to continue writing. Bill was writing a journal trying to find out why he was there. Why he went from being perfectly fine to slicing himself open and he didn't know why. He leaned back against the railing and closed his eyes. If he could just figure it out, he could go home.
He tried to think of the night it happened and what was going on in his head. It was only a little more than a week ago but he couldn't remember. He remembered breaking the mirror by accident. He remembered holding the glass to his wrist and making the second cut but he couldn't remember anything in between. That scared him.
"Bill? You have a phone call." Debbie said as she poked her head into his room later that night.
"Where?"
"You can take it here at my desk." She smiled and held the door open for him. He stepped out of his room in his pajama bottoms and sat on the corner of the desk. He wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his pants before he picked up the receiver. "Hallo?" He croaked. He cleared his throat and repeated it. "Hallo?"
"Hey Bill." Georg said softly. "Wie gehts?"
"Hi Georg." Bill gave a sigh of relief and relaxed noticeably. "Mir geht ist gut. Und du?"
"Ich bin gut." Georg nodded and fidgeted with the phone cord. "How is therapy going?"
Bill sighed and picked up a pencil on the desk. "It's okay. I have sessions with the doctor every other day. And then there group stuff but I don't like that part."
"Why? Talking with other people who have the same stuff going on may help." Georg explained quietly.
"Yeah, but it's harder than that. None of them have been through what I've been through. What we've been through. I've been living my life in a fishbowl for so long the last thing I want to do is share this with strangers. You know where I'm coming from, Georg. We don't have private lives so, what little privacy I can give myself, I'm gonna take. Especially with something like this."
"I know where you're coming from, Bill. But if it can help-"
"It won't. This is shit I need to figure out myself."
"Can I help? Can we?"
"No. I'm fine."
"That won't work anymore, Bill." Georg smiled. "We're all here for you. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." Bill said softly a moment later as tears rose in his eyes. "I know." There was silence on the line for a few seconds. "How- How's Tom?"
"He's okay." Georg nodded.
"Be honest, Georg. How is he?"
Georg sighed. He didn't know how to put it without hurting Bill anymore than necessary. "He's gonna be okay, Bill. He's seeing the doctor Benjamin brought in. We all are actually." He paused and took a deep breath. "He's pretty messed up, Bill."
"I know." Bill lowered his head and wiped his eyes. He didn't want to get emotional out in the hall. "That's the one thing I regret most." He whispered.
"No, Bill. He's gonna be okay." Georg said quickly. "He is. You know Tom. He'll bounce back."
"What was he even doing there? He was supposed to be out with Missa or Krissy or whatever."
"I don't know." Georg shook his head.
"I wish it had been anyone else but him."
"It wouldn't have been any better if it was one of us, Bill." Georg said softly. "We'd be just as messed up."
"Georg, Tom is my brother. I know you and Gustav wouldn't have fared well walking in on- On- That. But Tom's my twin. My 'big brother.' He likes to look out for me. You know he does. And I go pull a stunt like this? Shit."
"We're all gonna be okay." Georg said a minute later. "As soon as you get better and we're all together again things will be okay."
"I know." Bill nodded and grabbed a Kleenex off the desk to wipe his nose.
"Aww, don't go crying and getting emotional." Georg laughed softly as he wiped his eyes.
"Shut up." Bill chuckled lightly.
"I have to go but we'll call you later, okay? When everyone's here?"
"Sure." Bill stood up and paced in front of the desk. "Yeah, okay."
"All right." Georg nodded. "Immer mit der Ruhe."
"I will. You too, Georg. And thanks for calling."
"Anytime." Georg smiled and hung up. He hoped Bill would get better soon. They, as a group, had fallen apart quickly over the last week. They weren't whole without Bill and wouldn't be able to really heal until he came back.
Bill talked to his mom and Benjamin again that night. When he finally hung up with his mother it was almost ten o'clock. He yawned and shuffled down the hall towards the cafeteria. "Can I get something to eat in here?" He asked the nurse at the admissions desk.
"Yeah, there should be something in there." She stood up to unlock the door. She held it open as Bill walked in and helped himself to a nectarine and a bag of chips before heading back to his room.
On his way back down the hall he saw Harmony leave her room and go into the library. He paused for a minute outside his door. He thought about following her. He decided against it and pushed his door open. He lay on his bed in the dark eating his snack and thinking about how to get better. This was not going to be easy.
-----------------------------
A few nights later Bill awoke suddenly. He threw his covers back and jumped out of bed. Sweat dripped down his back and glistened off his face. He stood at the foot of his bed panting. His heart raced. He took a few deep breaths and wiped his face with the bottom of his T-shirt. He stared at the bed as if it were on fire. His mind was reeling at the memory of the nightmare. The small incisions on his wrists burned as if recently opened.
The dream was a too real. He had actually seen himself cut his wrists. He was there watching himself. He was telling himself what to do. Explaining the logic behind the move he was about to make.
"You've disappointed everyone. No one will care. No one who matters anyway. All those fans who think they know you, they don't know shit. They don't know you're a bigger player than Tom. They don't know that you've claimed you were sick just so you won't have to smile for cameras. They don't know that you're always so damned organized you're borderline obsessive. They don't know anything that you don't want them to know. Nothing. They couldn't even fathom that you'd be in here right now, standing in this bathroom, doing this. Doing what you're about to do. And you are going to do it, Bill. You are because really, how big of a shock will this be? Out of the blue! No one would ever expect this. Not from perfect, charming, devoted Bill. Hell no! How close to perfect are you though? You've got a zit. Right there. C'mon, look at the mirror in your hand. Do you see it? Cute, huh? And that mole under your lip? Don't even get me started on that. You hate it when people get the wrong idea about you but that's all they have! Wrong ideas. This will wake them up. Poor perfect Bill who has everything. All the happiness in the world. How happy can you be staring at the same 3 faces day after day for TEN years. Never seeing your mother or father or grandparents who, by now, have pretty much forgotten you're even here. No girlfriend either. You pretty much kissed that good-bye when you fucked her best friend, huh? You're not famous. Don't kid yourself. Tokio Hotel is famous but in ten years no one will even remember the name Bill Kaulitz. You have no real friends. The guys just play nice because you're in a business deal together. And what do you care anyway? In ten years or even in five years it'll all be over and you won't ever have to see them again. Oh wait- It'll be over sooner than that, won't it? Because you're gonna do it tonight. No more fleeting thoughts. No more disappointments. You're gonna do it."
Bill looked down to see the sliver of glass nick his skin. He wanted to stop but he didn't at the same time. He pressed down on the glass and pierced the skin of his wrist. It sent the mirror deeper. He drew the glass slowly at first but quickened the pace burn of pain hit him. The bright red droplets of blood fell to the floor and entranced him. He stared for a moment before making the second cut. To seal the deal.
-----------------------------
Bill stood on the cold linoleum floor barefoot. He shook all over. He quickly crossed to the door and threw it open. He stepped out into the cool hall and pressed his hands over his eyes. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth a few times slowly. He removed his hands and looked both ways down the hall. He wasn't exactly sure where he wanted to go.
"Are you okay?" The nurse at the desk outside his door asked.
"Hmm? Yeah." Bill nodded and headed for the library. "Yeah."
He pushed the curtain back and stepped into the dark room. He flipped a switch by the door and the old lamps cast a yellow glow over the room. He fell onto the couch and rested his head in his hands. He took a few deep breaths to try and stop his body from shaking. This was one huge realization for him. He had no one here to help him through it or tell him what to do with it. A doctor was on site 24 hours a day but that wasn't what he needed. He needed to talk to the guys.
Bill stood quickly and went back to the hall. "Can I make a call?" He asked the nurse at the desk.
"Right now?" She glanced at her watch. Bill only nodded and clenched his fists at his side. "If there's a problem I can call the doctor for you."
"No." Bill shook his head and made eye contact with the nurse. "No, I just need to call one of my friends before he leaves for work." The lie rolled off his tongue without a second thought.
"At three in the morning?"
"He lives on the east coast. Please can I call him?" Bill ran his hands through his sweat soaked hair. He prayed he'd be able to use the phone.
"Okay." The nurse said after a moment of silence. "Just keep it down."
"Thanks." Bill mumbled as he picked up the phone and dialed the local hotel where the guys were staying. When the hotel operator came on the line he had to make a decision. Who did he want to talk to? Who would be up? Who would help? "Gustav Schäfer please." He said finally. The phone rang quickly in his ear as Bill sat on the desk.
"Yeah?" Gustav answered the phone.
"Gustav?"
"Bill?" Gustav asked. He was shocked to hear his friend's voice at this hour. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No, Gustav, I need to get out of here." Bill said softly.
"Bill." Gustav sighed and sat on the edge of his bed. He was just getting in after partying most of the night away. He had been getting ready for bed.
"I'm serious, Gustav. Damn it, please. Let me come home?" Bill whispered as he bent his head. Embarrassed to be having this conversation in front of the nurse.
"Come on, Bill. You know we can't do that. Talk to me. What's going on?"
Bill sighed. "I just need to get out of here."
"You're not ready."
"Yes, I am."
"Not yet." Gustav shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "So what's going on? Why aren't you asleep at three in the morning?"
"I couldn't sleep." Bill pinched the bridge of his nose. "And I just wanted to talk to anyone sane." Bill changed his mind about telling his dream. None of the guys would understand it.
"If you think I'm sane you've got more issues than we thought." Gustav smiled.
Bill laughed lightly and said. "Thanks, Gustav. I haven't laughed since I got here."
"Anytime." Gustav smiled. He knew Bill must still have a long way to go.
"Do you think I'm a disappointment?" Bill asked out of nowhere.
"What? Are you serious? Of course not."
"Okay but you're-"
"No, I'm not just saying that because you're in the band. You have talent coming out of your ears and you put it to good use. You're one of the nicest, caring and overall greatest person I know. You are the furthest thing from a disappointment that I can think of." Gustav sighed. He was tired and ready to go to bed but he couldn't just hang up the phone.
"But, Gustav-"
"But nothing. I'm right and you know it." He stifled a yawn and said. "Just admit that I'm right so we both can go to bed."
"Will you tell me a funny story? Anything? Please, Gustav?"
"Okay." Gustav sighed with a smile and lay flat on his back across his bed. "Okay, remember when we were in New Mexico and we went to that really cool Mexican restaurant?"
"No."
"Yes, you do." Gustav insisted. "You said it was the best chips and salsa you've ever had. Between you and me we finished off 4 baskets of chips and 20 of those little salsa bowls."
"Okay." Bill smiled reluctantly.
"Remember I came down with the flu right after?"
"Uh huh."
"Not the flu." Gustav shook his head and laughed. "I had hot-hole for three days. I spent 24 hours a day on the shitter shitting my guts out. I had diarrhea like you would not believe."
Bill laughed out loud. He was surprised by the sound. "Shut up, Gustav."
"I'm serious!" Gustav laughed. He enjoyed the sound of his friend's laugh from 30 miles away.
"That's sick." Bill shook his head and continued to smile.
"So will you admit I'm right?"
"You're right." Bill sighed.
"Wicked. Now can I go to bed?" Gustav asked.
"Yeah." Bill yawned. "Thanks, Gustav."
"Anytime, Bill."
"I'll talk to you later."
"Okay. G'night." Gustav yawned and hung up the phone. He knew Bill wasn't calling to hear a nasty story about his diarrhea but he didn't want to press the issue. Gustav kicked his shoes off and said a silent prayer that Bill would be okay. That they all would be okay.
Bill hung up the phone on the desk and, without a word to the nurse, walked straight back to the library where he pulled a book off the shelf and sat on the soft couch. He knew he wouldn't read much and that he would fall asleep before he could turn the first page but he couldn't make himself go back to his bed. He actually read a few pages before resting his head on the arm of the sofa. He easily drifted back into a dreamless sleep.
When Bill woke several hours later, the sun was shining bright in the room and there were voices coming from the hall. He slowly stood up and stretched his arms out in front of himself before he put his book away and headed back to his room. He changed into his jeans and a plain white T-shirt and sat on the bed to tie his shoes.
Harmony woke up in a horrible mood. She wasn't upset but she felt on the verge of tears all morning. Dr. Mueller told Harmony that she wanted her to participate more and to not stay shut up in her room all day. Harmony made a valiant effort. She sat in the recreation room and watched it rain outside for a good 20 minutes before deciding she'd had enough socializing for the day. Harmony grabbed her thin jacket from her room and headed outside. The rain was letting up so that it was just a light sprinkle.
She avoided the puddles as she rounded the corner to her worn porch. Harmony sat on the slightly damp wooden floorboards and brought her knees up to her chest as the tears started to fall softly on the fuzzy cotton of her jacket.
She had been at Ahoskie Behavioral for more than a month now. She had only talked to her parents twice. Once the day after she was admitted when they'd all but demanded an explanation and an apology. Once the day before her birthday because they would be out of town on her actual birthday. Or so they said. She bet they couldn't remember her birthday and they hoped it was close so they didn't look like complete morons. But that's it. Twice. She had heard Bill take almost a call a day since he'd been admitted. Just about everyone else there had received calls but not Harmony.
She allowed herself to wallow in self pity for a good hour before wiping her nose quickly and letting the anger back in. She dabbed at her eyes and licked her lips quickly as she heard heavy footsteps over the soft dirt on the way to the porch.
"Hey." Bill said softly. He made the friendly greeting sound almost sensual. He rested his chin on his hands as he leaned on the railing of the porch.
"What?" Harmony asked. Not taking her eyes off of the fingernail she'd been picking at. She scowled at her hand and refused to do anything else to acknowledge that she'd heard him.
Bill paused for a second. He debated whether or not he wanted to open these doors to Harmony. "Have you ever-"
"No." She said quickly.
"You didn't let me finish."
"Whatever it is the answer is no." She stuck her fingernail in her mouth and bit at it.
Bill reconsidered his approach and took a second to organize his thoughts. "Last night I had a dream-"
"So? Why are you telling me? Do you think I care?" She glared up at him.
"Well, the doctor has her head up her ass and if I told anyone who actually cared they'd just say that I was wrong."
"Wrong about you having a dream?" She asked sarcastically.
"Wrong about what it was that made me try to-"
"Kill yourself?" She finished his sentence. It was still hard for him to say.
"Yeah." He said softly.
"So?"
He took a deep breath and sat on the damp wood step by her feet. "I had a dream and it was like I was standing watching myself talk to myself. It was like I was a third person standing in the doorway of the bathroom. It's hard to explain. Like there were three of me." He shrugged and drew circles on the knee of his pants with his fingertip. "But it was also like I was reliving it. I felt all the same feelings. When I woke up I felt scared and angry and sad and worthless and- And- And everything. And my wrists felt like they were burning. I swear I could feel the blood dripping down my palms. I could seriously feel the glass in my hand." Bill imitated holding he piece of glass in his fingers. He took another deep breath. "All of these emotions just kind of fell all over me. I could feel what I felt there in the bathroom. It was so clear why I was doing this. It was just like I was doing it again and I didn't stop myself because I fully understood why. Like if I was put in the same situation, I'd do it again." He was talking fast as desperation took over his voice. "Has that happened to you?"
"Reliving the point of no return?" Harmony raised her tear filled eyes to his.
He nodded slowly as tears rose in his eyes also. "Yeah." He said so softly she barely heard.
"Every night." She whispered.
-----------------------------
Bill stared at Harmony for a second. "Every night? You have that dream every night?" He asked softly. He wasn't able to comprehend how she could survive that feeling night after night.
"Yes." She bowed her head and continued to cry.
"What do you do?"
"Nothing. I just try not to sleep." Harmony shook her head but kept her eyes from his.
"Does it ever go away?"
"No." She shook her head slowly again. "Not for me anyway."
"Reliving that every night would make me want to try it again." Bill said softly.
"It does." She sniffed and looked up slowly. "Why do you think I'm still here?"
"How long have you been here?"
"A month longer than you."
"How long do people normally stay?" Bill asked.
"It depends how fucked up in the head you are. Niklas was really messed up. He was here for months."
"Wow." Bill whispered. He knew there was no way he could stay that long. The media couldn't be kept at bay much longer.
"I guess I'm pretty messed up too then, huh?" She asked cautiously.
"I don't know." Bill shook his head.
"I've been here longer than you." She shrugged. They sat in silence for a moment longer. "Who keeps calling you?" Harmony asked softly.
"My parents. And the other guys in the band." Bill cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair. "I feel bad about sitting on the phone all the time but I think it's helping. You know, having contact with the outside world."
"Hmm." Harmony frowned.
"Don't your parents call?"
Harmony shook her head and stood up to lean against the railing. She looked down at Bill. "No one calls me."
"No one?"
"No one cares that I'm here." She shrugged and continued. "My parents were pissed that I ruined their carpet. My aunt that raised me hasn't spoken to me in years."
"What about your friends?" Bill asked. As soon as the words left his mouth he understood. He wished he could grab them from the air and stick them back in his mouth to swallow them but he couldn't. They had already reached Harmony's ears.
She just stared at him for a second. She didn't move a muscle nor did she change her expression. "How does she do this all alone? I'm having a hard enough time even with all the support I could ask for. She'll never make it out of here." Bill thought to himself.
"I'm sorry. I-" Bill started to speak as his ears turned pink.
"I don't have any friends." Harmony spoke softly and stood up straight.
"Sure you do." Bill smiled and stood beside her.
"I don't."
"I can be your friend."
"No, you can't." She said defiantly.
"Yes, I can." He reached out to touch her shoulder but before he could make contact she brushed past him and headed back into the house.
Bill stayed outside for a little while longer before he headed back inside for dinner. His appetite was coming back and he felt starved. He ate dinner alone. He didn't feel like socializing with the others. He didn't take any calls the night. He told the nurse he was tired and shut himself in his room with the lights out.
Bill lay on top of the blankets on his bed and he stared at the ceiling. He was afraid he'd fall asleep. He couldn't handle having another dream like the one before. His thoughts drifted to Harmony and how she didn't have anyone that cared. Bill wished there were a way to share his friends with her so she'd have some support. She really was a good person. He could tell that now. She just needed more help than anyone was willing to give her.
Bill cracked a small smile and sang the familiar song softly, "My room is cold. It's making me insane." He laughed out loud thinking how ridiculous he must look laying in the dark singing about being insane while he was a patient in what was essentially a mental institution. He hadn't made himself laugh or even smile since he arrived at Ahoskie Behavioral. It felt good.
Bill kept himself awake as long as possible, singing as many songs as he could think of quietly to himself. He fell asleep in the middle of "Golden Slumbers" by The Beatles because he couldn't remember all the lyrics.
When Bill opened his eyes the next morning, the sun was shining in through his curtain covered window. He actually felt well rested. Bill stretched his arms over his head and cracked his back before putting his feet over the side of the bed and onto the cold floor. He checked his watch and was surprised to see that it was after 10 in the morning. He had kept himself up until almost 3 in the morning. That seemed to keep the nightmare from returning.
Bill yawned and shuffled around the bed to get himself dressed in his usual jeans and a white T-shirt. He left his shoes under his bed and walked barefoot out into the hall and down to the kitchen for a late breakfast.
The little dining area was almost empty. Bill helped himself to an orange and sat at a seat by the window. He thoughtfully peeled his orange and stared out over the back lawn. He had come to the decision that he was going to work with the doctor to get better rather than insisting he could do it himself. He already felt better but he still had a lot of things to come to terms with. He had come way too close to ending this life for what appeared to be no good reason. For the first time that scared him.
Bill was lost in thought and didn't notice when Harmony came and pulled up the chair across from him. "Can I have some?" She asked quietly and she eyed his orange.
Bill jumped at the sound of her voice and almost choked on the piece of orange in his mouth. He handed Harmony the remaining orange slices as he covered his mouth and coughed violently.
Harmony popped the fruit into her mouth and watched closely as Bill turned red. "You okay?" She asked a second later.
Bill managed to get his coughing under control and nodded with tears in his eyes. "It went down the wrong way." He squeaked with a small smile. He coughed again and said, "Be careful. Oranges are dangerous."
"Yeah, I know how to eat. I've been doing it for a while. You look like hell." She ate the last slice of orange and wiped her hands on her jeans.
"Thanks." Bill rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. "I didn't get much sleep."
"Funny. Me neither." She smirked. "You get used to it."
"Not me. I need eight hours of sleep a day." He smiled and took a slice of orange. "And another ten at night." He chewed the orange and swallowed it carefully.
"You better wrestle your demons now or you'll never sleep again." Harmony said seriously.
"Wrestle my demons?"
"You haven't been given that speech yet." Harmony leaned back in her chair and stared at Bill. "Dr. Mueller is big on that one. Your demons are the reasons why you're here. If you confront them and wrestle them to the ground, you win which means you heal yourself. Or some shit like that." Harmony rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.
At that moment Dr. Mueller walked into the kitchen area with Fynn. She was talking to him about the activities planned for the upcoming weekend but it was a one sided conversation as always. "I was thinking that if the weather stayed rainy like this we could set up a big screen and have an old movies day. You know-" She stopped when Fynn placed his small, cold hand on her arm. "What?" Dr. Mueller asked.
Fynn just continued to stare at Bill and Harmony by the window. Dr. Mueller followed his gaze and her mouth literally dropped open. Harmony was sitting at a table on her own free will with another student. And they were both smiling.
"Would you look at that." Dr. Mueller smiled to herself. "I knew those two would work something out." She continued to watch the communication between Bill and Harmony as she and Fynn grabbed a quick snack and left quietly.
"So how does one go about wrestling demons?" Bill leaned back in his chair and put his feet on the plastic chair beside Harmony.
"I don't know." She shrugged as her smile fell. "If I knew that I wouldn't be in this shit hole."
"How do you even find out what they are?"
"I guess whatever is making you want to off yourself. That seems logical."
"I guess." Bill shrugged. "But I'm not even sure what that is. I have a better idea about it after the dream but that's still how I feel. I don't want to do that again but I still feel the same. Does that make sense?"
"No." Harmony raised an eyebrow at him. "You feel the same but you don't want to do it again?"
"Basically." He sighed and looked out the window for a minute. "Okay, see- The reasons why I tried to, you know-"
"Kill yourself. Can't you even say it?"
"The reasons why I tried to kill myself are still there. But I don't want to do it."
"What are the reasons?"
"I've been sharing an awful lot here." Bill said after a moment's pause.
"So?"
"I thought if I showed you mine, you'd show me yours."
"What do you want to know?" She asked softly.
"Whatever you want to tell me." He shrugged and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the edge of the table.
"What if I don't want to tell you anything?" She smirked and leaned forward to copy his pose.
"That's fine." He said. "And if you decide you want to then we can resume this conversation."
"If I don't then you're going to what? Leave?"
Bill shrugged. "I can't really go anywhere."
"What do you want to know?"
"Why you did it."
"Why I tried to kill myself?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"Then ask me."
"Why did you do it?" He asked again. She just stared at him. He knew what she wanted. "Why did you try to kill yourself?" He shut his eyes and rubbed his temples.
"I hate myself and no one would care. And at least this way my parents would acknowledge that they even have a daughter."
Bill sat in stunned silence for a minute. He tried not to let his reaction show on his face. He had heard stories like this before, how a person doesn't like himself or herself or feels worthless. He had always thought those people were hiding something deeper like a bigger problem underneath. With Harmony he could tell that she meant every word she said and that those reasons were plenty enough for her to decide to end it all. She didn't dislike herself. She hated herself. She did it because she thought no one would care and she was right. She did it to get her parents to acknowledge her but they didn't.
Her final attempt at approval had failed miserably. She seemed worse off now than before. All she had now was one more failure under her belt. She couldn't even kill herself right.
"You overdosed?" He asked a minute later.
"I tried." She sighed and rested her chin on her hands. "I took everything I could get my hands on. Vicodan, Valium, Codeine, Dexatrim, Tylenol, Correctol." She laughed shortly. "I took them all and chased it with a half a bottle of Vodka. I added a shot of Everclear to wash it all down. I thought for sure that would do it."
"But?"
She sighed again and looked down at the green specked tabletop. "But my mom came home from the salon early and called an ambulance to come get me. She gave me some syrup stuff to make me throw up. Which I did happily, all over her eggshell white carpet. I think that's what pissed her off the most. It was either ruining her carpet or taking all her Valium. I can't decide which." She frowned. "So that's my so story. You?"
"What?"
"What was your object of suicide?"
"Glass. A mirror."
"Oh, that's deep." Harmony smiled like a kid just given candy. "I can see where this is going." She practically looked excited.
"No, it's not like that." Bill sighed and played with the orange peel in front of him. "I broke the mirror by accident. I knocked the medicine cabinet off the wall and it broke."
"There are no accidents."
"When I broke it I wasn't thinking about killing myself."
"So when did that thought creep in?"
"I'm not sure. I guess when I was cleaning it up." Bill shrugged. "I don't even remember it. But in my dream I could see myself standing there with the mirror in my hand."
"What were you wearing?" Harmony grinned evilly.
Bill rolled his eyes. "Really?"
"So if you're in this big famous band with all this teenage hysteria thing it seems like you pretty much have it all." She said softly. She turned serious all of a sudden.
"You'd think so."
"Don't you?"
"No. Yeah it's a lot of fun and we're famous. But there's a price to pay for all of that." He tore the peel in half, then in quarters. "But that's not why."
"You still haven't told me why." She pointed out.
"Are you a doctor now?" Bill asked.
"Do you really think the doctor can help you?" She retorted.
"That's what she's here for. That's what she's paid to do."
"Yeah? Well she hasn't helped me. I've been here six weeks."
"You don't even try."
"And you do?" She scoffed.
"At least I go." He caught her eye.
"I don't know where everyone got the idea that I don't go to one-on-one therapy." Harmony shook her head. "I go three times a week just like everyone else."
"You do?"
"Like I could get out of it? Dr. Mueller hunts me down if I'm even five minutes late."
"Hmm." He frowned.
"Should we all believe everything we hear?" She challenged him.
"No." He shook his head. He thought of the rumors floating around about him and his friends. "We shouldn't."
"Okay then." She stood up and looked out the window. "I'll see you later."
"Damn she runs hot and cold." Bill thought to himself. "Okay, I'll see you later."
Bill sat alone in the dining room for a few minutes after Harmony left. He was just about ready to head back to his room when Dr. Mueller walked in quickly. "There you are. You have a phone call." She said slightly out of breath.
"I'd rather not take it." Bill said softly as he headed for the door.
"It's Benjamin Ebel. I think you should take it in my office." Dr. Mueller explained as she rested her hand on Bill's shoulder.
"What happened?"
"Come with me." She led Bill down the hall to her large office. He stood beside her desk nervously as she sat behind it and picked the phone up. "Benjamin? Okay, I have Bill here. I'm going to put him on." She said into the phone.
Dr. Mueller extended the phone to Bill. He stared at it for a second. He desperately wanting to grab it and shout at Benjamin to tell him what happened. At the same time he didn't want to know. Bill tentatively took the phone and held it to his ear. He didn't say anything but Benjamin heard his breath. "Bill?"
"Yeah?" Bill whispered as he leaned against the wall. That caused the phone cord to knock a jar of pencils over. Dr. Mueller knelt to pick them up as Bill stuck his thumb in his mouth and chewed on the nail. "Yeah, Benjamin. What's going on?"
"Are you okay?" Were the first words out of Benjamin's mouth.
Bill looked confused for a second. "What? Yeah, I'm fine."
"Bill there's been an accident." Benjamin said slowly.
Bill blood ran cold and he couldn't catch his breath. "Who? When? What happened?"
"Georg and Tom were-"
"Are they okay?" Bill interrupted him.
"They're in the hospital right now, Bill."
"Are they okay?" He repeated a little louder.
"They're going to be just fine."
"Damn it, Benjamin. Are. They. Okay?"
"Georg will be released tomorrow, he broke his-"
"What about Tom?" Bill's heart was pounding in his ears as sweat dripped down his back.
"He's in surgery right now but-"
"What happened?" Bill interrupted again.
"Bill let me finish." Benjamin said sternly.
"Sorry." Bill said quietly.
"I'll start over." Benjamin took a deep breath and continued. "Tom and Georg were hit head on. They were on their way to Larry's house up in the hills. Georg broke his collarbone and his nose. He also has stitches across his forehead. He was driving so when they hit he slammed into the steering wheel. Tom was riding shotgun. When they hit he was flung forward. He has a bad concussion and a gash on his cheek but he's in surgery for his liver. The seat belt across his lap pulled so tight that it damaged his liver and it was bleeding into his abdomen. They're fixing that right now."
"He's going to be okay?" Bill asked. "Both of them?"
"Yeah Bill, they're gonna be good as new."
"Fuck." Bill let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "Shit, Benjamin. What the fuck happened to the airbags?"
"They were in Steve's car. It was made before airbags."
"Shit." Bill whispered. "Can I go see them? Where are they?"
"They're at Heritage." Benjamin said slowly. "I talked to the doctor there. She says you're doing really good-"
"Benjamin, I have to see them. I have to." Bill insisted. "I'm getting better. I promise." He sounded like a kid promising his mom he'd be good if she just let him go outside to play.
"I know you are."
"I'll come back. I just want to see the guys with my own eyes. Then I'll come right back here." He pleaded to Benjamin but looked straight at Dr. Mueller.
"I've cleared it with the doctor. Gustav will be there to get you in an hour." Benjamin said after a minute's pause.
"Thank you, Benjamin." Bill whispered as tears sprung up in his eyes. The full impact of what happened was sinking in.
"I'll see you there, okay?" Benjamin asked.
"Yeah."
"Put the doctor back on." Bill handed the phone back to Dr. Mueller and fell back into the leather couch behind him. He took a deep breath and rested his head in his hands.
"Hello?" Dr. Mueller asked as she took the phone.
"He want's to come back." Benjamin sounded shocked.
"I heard." Dr. Mueller nodded.
"Does he know that you were going to release him?"
"No." She shook her head.
"Is he- Does he have to come back?"
"If he thinks that's best." She said softly.
"What does that mean?" Benjamin asked. "Is he better or not?"
"He's doing very well."
"Yeah but if he thinks he needs to come back-"
"We can talk about this more later." Dr. Mueller said as she caught Bill's eye. "We'll have Bill ready to be picked up in an hour. See you then." She hung up then stood beside Bill. "How are you feeling about all of this?"
"I'm okay." He said softly.
"You kept in control very well." Dr. Mueller said gently. Bill only nodded as he stood up. "You're really doing well here, Bill. I'm glad to see you're opening up more." She thought back to just that morning when he was sitting with Harmony. "And I'm glad to see you reaching out to Harmony. She really needs it."
"She came to me." He mumbled as he headed for the door.
"She came- You mean she approached you?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded.
"Bill, she hasn't initiated any kind of conversation since she's been here."
Bill shrugged and opened the office door. "She just needs help, Dr. Mueller."
"I know she does, Bill."
"She doesn't think you understand."
"I know she thinks that." The doctor nodded and leaned against the door frame.
"I don't think you do either. Her anyways. I don't think you understand her."
"I'm not sure she understands herself."
Bill nodded slowly. "Yeah, that could be it too."
"Your ride will be here shortly. Why don't you go get ready."
"What time will I be back here?"
"I'd like you back before ten." She nodded.
"Okay." Bill said as he turned to walk down the hall. His bare feet made little noise as he passed the nurses station.
"Hey, your ride's here." Lukas said as he pushed Bill's door open.
"Thanks." Bill said softly. He grabbed his sweatshirt and followed Lukas out the front doors of the building. Gustav was standing beside his truck with his arms crossed over his broad chest.
"Hey." Gustav smiled as Bill walked up.
"Hi, Gustav." Bill said quietly as Gustav pulled him in for a hug.
"How are you?"
"I'm all right." Bill pulled the door open and slid into the passenger seat. He buckled his seat belt nervously as Gustav walked around to the driver's side and climbed in. "I have to be back here by ten."
"Okay." Gustav nodded and started the car. He let it idle for a minute before driving down the long driveway to the main street.
Harmony watched the dark green truck pull away from the curb and drive down the road. She fought back tears as her so-called friend left and didn't look back.
-----------------------------
"Bill!" Andreas looked stunned as Bill ran down the hospital corridor. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see Tom and Georg. Is Tom out of surgery? How's Georg?" Bill asked as he slowed down and walked beside Andreas back to the waiting room.
"Georg is doing good." Andreas said. "You can see him if you want. His dad is in there right now. Tom just got out of surgery about ten minutes ago. He'll be in recovery in a half hour."
"Where's Benjamin?"
"He went to the cafeteria with Tobi to get drinks." Andreas explained. The two friends stood in silence for a minute. It had been a long time since they'd seen each other. "Hey, it's good to have you back." Andreas said as he pulled Bill in for a tight hug. He felt Bill tense up in his arms. "What? What's wrong?"
"I'm- I'm not back yet, Andi. I have to go back to Ahoskie Behavioral tonight." Bill said softly.
"Oh." Andreas looked at his shoes and blushed. "I figured since you were here that you were done there."
"No." Bill shook his head and smiled at Andreas as they stepped back into the hall to go to Georg's room. "Not yet. But I'm getting better. I really am."
"So you'll be back soon?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded. "I've got some stuff to do there."
"Yeah?" Andreas smiled at the look on Bill's face.
"There's this girl-"
"Ah ha! I knew it!" Andreas laughed and patted Bill on the back.
"No, it's not like that. She's just- She needs a lot of help and we kind of connected."
"It's cool you can help her." Andreas said as they stopped outside Georg's room.
"She's helping me too." Bill shrugged and pushed the door open. He stepped in before Andreas and saw a black and blue Georg lying in bed. "Hey, trouble." Bill forced a smile as he tried not to wince at the sight.
"Hey, Bill!" Georg moved his head toward Bill's voice. His eyes were swollen shut and the cut across his forehead looked painful. Georg's arm was held to his chest with a thick Ace bandage. Bill was thankful Georg was alive.
"Hey, Georg." Bill said as tears rose in his eyes. He sat in a chair by the bed and put his hand on Georg's good arm. "Hi, Hagen." He said to Georg's dad.
"Hi." He said softly. "How are you?"
"I'm okay." Bill smiled quickly. "I'll be back with the band pretty soon."
"You will?" Georg asked weakly.
"Yeah." Bill looked back at Georg. "You look like a semi truck ran you over." He joked lightly.
"No, I'm pretty sure it was a Ford." Georg said softly through his swollen lips.
"I'm glad you're okay. You still have all your teeth in there?" Bill asked.
"Yeah." Georg drew his lips back as far as he could to show a row of blood stained but fully intact teeth.
"Good. How's that bass? You didn't mess up your hands did you?" Bill asked. He tried to keep it light. He knew Georg couldn't see the tears that threatened to flow.
"I think they're gonna be fine." Georg said as he tried to wiggle his fingers and winced. He made a sound that should have been a laugh. "The doctor told me that Tom will be rooming with me tonight."
"Ha! Sucks to be you. He snores." Bill laughed and wiped his eyes quickly. "Have you been able to see Tom yet?" He asked Hagen.
"Not yet." He shook his head.
"It's only one night. I can go home tomorrow." Georg said. He sounded like he not only had a terrible cold but that he was half asleep as well.
"Only if you get rest now." Hagen said as she stroked Georg's swollen cheek.
"I'll let you sleep now." Bill stood up and squeezed Georg's good arm. "You look fantastic."
Bill laughed lightly as Georg whispered, "Shut up."
"I'll see you later, okay?" Bill tried to keep his voice from shaking.
"Yeah." Georg tried to nod. "Get better soon, Bill, so we can get back to business."
"I will." Bill nodded. "See ya."
"Bye." Georg raised his hand in a half wave as Andreas and Bill left father and son alone in the room.
"He looks terrible." Bill winced as he and Andreas headed back to the waiting room.
"Yeah." Andreas nodded. "But it could have been worse."
"I know." Bill said softly.
"Bill? Wow, what are you doing here?" Tobi asked as he walked down the hall toward the other two.
"I'm checking up on you guys. I mean look at you! I leave for a few weeks and you all start to fall apart." Bill smiled.
"No kidding." Tobi smiled and hugged Bill while they stood in the hallway. "So are you out for good?"
"No. Not yet." Bill shook his head. "I just came to see Tom and Georg."
"Soon?" Tobi asked.
"Yeah, soon." Bill nodded. "Let's go sit down for a bit until we can see Tom." Bill led the way down the hall to the empty waiting room. He gathered Andreas and Tobi around the ancient looking table and sighed. "I wanted to thank you guys for all the support you've been giving me. I mean, the calls and basically putting up with all my shit. I really can't thank you enough."
"No problem." Andreas smiled. "We just pretend that you're off in Hawaii on vacation."
"Ha! I wish." Bill smiled. "I just wanted to say thanks. It's really helped me knowing that you guys were here for me anytime I needed it."
"You'd do the same for us, Bill." Tobi said as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table.
A doctor walked into the waiting room and all three boys looked up quickly, "Are you all here for Tom?" He asked.
"Yeah." Andreas nodded as they all stood up.
"He's in recovery now. You can each go in for just a couple minutes. Are his parents here?" The doctor asked.
"No." Tobi shook his head and motioned to Bill. "This is his twin brother."
"Okay." The doctor nodded and motioned for them to follow him down the hall. The three men walked quickly toward the doorway of Tom's room. "He's still asleep and he will be for another hour or so. When he wakes up we will move him to the other room with Mr. Listing."
"Okay." The three nodded in unison. "Can we go in?" Bill asked.
"Sure. But only for a few minutes, okay?" The doctor smiled as they walked into the room and crowded around the bed.
"So- So what did you guys do?" Andreas asked the doctor.
"The impact bruised his liver and caused other internal bleeding. We went in and stopped the bleeding." He explained.
"He's okay then?" Bill asked.
"He'll be good as new." The doctor smiled. "We're going to keep an eye on him for a few days but he'll be fine. We had Dr. Matykiewicz stitch him up for us. She's a very well respected plastic surgeon. He may have a slight scar but it shouldn't be that noticeable after it heals."
"Okay." Bill nodded and looked closely at the stitches running in an almost straight line under Tom's right eye. "And he has a concussion?"
"Yeah, that's our biggest concern right now. Now that we have the bleeding under control we're just waiting to see him wake up."
"Was he conscious at all?" Bill asked.
"He was unconscious at the scene but when he came in he was talking to us which is really good." The doctor nodded.
"Yeah." Bill said softly as he lay his hand on Tom's arm.
"If you guys have any questions just have me paged. I'll be here all night." The doctor said as he waved and left them alone.
"This has been one hell of a month, huh?" Tobi asked as he sat on the foot of the bed.
"You can say that again." Andreas sighed.
"So what are you guys gonna do?" Bill smiled. "Three fourths of Tokio Hotel is indisposed.
"I think we're gonna have to wrap Gustav in bubble wrap." Andreas laughed.
"And packing peanuts." Tobi added.
"Then put him in a padded room?" Bill smiled.
"Not hardly." Andreas shook his head. "This just seems so weird." He said a minute later.
"What?" Bill asked.
"I don't know. That we're here in the hospital visiting Tom and Georg who got in a freak accident and you're technically a mental patient out of the hospital. And we're sitting around making jokes."
"No, that's not weird. This is as close to normal as we've been in a while." Bill shrugged.
"How is it normal that you have to go back to your hospital tonight and we have to leave Georg and Tom here?" Tobi asked.
"Because we're all in the same place at the same time. You guys are making lame jokes about the impossible situations we're in. That's what I've been missing." Bill smiled and shook his head. "And for the record, where I'm at may be a loony bin but all of you guys are far crazier than anyone in there."
"Why do I doubt that?" Andreas asked Tobi.
"I don't doubt it at all." Tobi laughed and for a second Bill thought about just staying here with the guys and never going back to Ahoskie Behavioral.
"Ahoskie Behavioral. Oh shit! Harmony doesn't know I'm gone. If she does, she doesn't know I'm coming back. Oh shit! What kind of friend would just leave without telling her or at least calling her." Bill sat up straight. "Hey, can I use someone's cell? Where's the payphone?" Bill asked suddenly.
"Who're you gonna call? We're all right here." Andreas asked as he cast a quick glance at Tom.
"I have to call that girl." Bill said as he headed for the door.
"A girl?" Tobi asked Andreas.
"Yeah. He's schmoozing this chick in the nut house." Andreas explained as Bill stepped into the hall.
"I'm not schmoozing anyone." Bill said over his shoulder as he spotted a phone at the end of the hall by the elevators. "Do you guys have a quarter?"
"Hang on." Tobi dug into his deep pockets and retrieved his cell phone. "Here. No need to use a dirty payphone." He handed Bill the phone and smiled.
"Thanks." Bill pulled the phone book out of the ratty plastic holder of the payphone and looked up the number for Ahoskie Behavioral Home. Bill sighed and leaned against the wall as he dialed the number. He cradled the phone between his ear and his shoulder and listened to the hollow ringing for a minute before someone finally picked up, "Ahoskie Behavioral. This is Deana."
"Hi, Deana. I'm looking for Harmony. Is she around?" He asked softly.
"Harmony who?"
"She's a patient there." Bill said.
"What's her last name?" Deana asked.
"I don't know." Bill closed his eyes and sighed. "Her room is beside mine. My name is Bill."
"Bill? Where are you?"
"I'm at the hospital visiting my brother and friend. They were in an accident. Dr. Mueller knows where I am."
"And you want to speak to who?"
"Harmony." He sighed again and waited patiently as Deana went to track Harmony down for him.
Deana knocked softly on Harmony's door. "Harmony? You have a phone call."
"Tell whomever it is to kiss my ass." Harmony growled through the closed door.
"Okay." Deana shrugged and went back to the phone. "Harmony's not available right now. Can I tell her you called?"
"No, I'll be back tonight. Are you sure she's not there?"
"Oh she's there but she said to tell whoever was calling to kiss her ass." Deana laughed lightly.
"Will you please go tell her it's Bill? I'm a friend of hers." He asked.
Deana sighed and said, "Sure." She walked down the hall again to Harmony's door and knocked again. "Harmony, Bill is calling for you. He said he's a friend of yours."
Harmony threw the door open. "You can tell Bill he can jump up my ass. He's not my friend. He's a stupid asshole who has his life handed to him on a silver fucking platter and he gets to leave here whenever he wants while the rest of us basket cases have to stay locked up until the doctor says we can leave!" Harmony stormed past the nurse and into the hallway where she picked the phone up off the desk. "Fuck you, Bill." She said into the receiver before she slammed the phone down on the base and disconnected the call.
Bill stared at the phone. He sighed and dialed the hospital again. This time he asked for Dr. Mueller's office. "This is Dr. Mueller."
"Hi, this is Bill." He said quickly. "I just called to talk to Harmony and she's upset now. Do you think you could find her and have her talk to me?"
"Bill, if she doesn't want to talk I can't force her."
"No one told her I was leaving and that I would be back. I was too rushed when I left. I think she thinks I'm not coming back."
"Bill-"
"I'll be back in just a couple hours but she doesn't know what. Can you please just go get her so I can talk to her?" He pleaded softly.
"I'll see what I can do." Dr. Mueller set her phone down and wandered out into the hall. She didn't see Harmony in the hall so she walked to her room and knocked softly. There was no response so after a minute she walked down the hall to the library where she found Harmony scowling at her book. "Harmony?" Dr. Mueller asked softly.
"What?" Harmony asked without looking up.
"Bill is on the phone. He'd like to talk to you." She said softly.
"I already told him I don't want to talk to him." She said as her frown deepened.
"He's coming back tonight." Dr. Mueller explained softly as she sat on the couch beside Harmony. "His twin brother and friend were in a pretty bad car accident so we let him leave to go see them."
"So?"
"So that's why he left. He has not been discharged."
"If he's coming back then why do I have to talk to him on the phone?" Harmony looked up from the pages of her book.
"You don't have to." Dr. Mueller shook her head. "But he'd like to talk to you."
Harmony stared at floor for a couple seconds before sighing and saying. "Fine. Whatever." She stood up and followed the doctor down the hall to her office.
Once inside Dr. Mueller took a seat at her desk while Harmony sat on the edge and picked up the phone. "What?" She asked quickly.
"Will you consider me a friend now?"
"Why? Because you called me?" She asked. "You left."
"I'm sorry I didn't let you know I was leaving but I'm coming back in a few hours." Bill said softly. "I had to leave so I could call you." He smiled hopefully.
"Why would you come back here? I mean, you're out. Make a run for it." Harmony said as he defiantly stared at Dr. Mueller.
"I'm coming back because I'm not done yet."
"Are you a chicken?" Harmony asked as a small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.
"Wha- No. I'm not a chicken. I can handle-" Bill started.
"I meant like cooked. You're not done yet. Like cooking a chicken." Harmony actually laughed as she tucked her blonde curls behind her ear.
"Oh." Bill was taken aback. He wasn't expecting a joke out of Harmony at all and certainly not when she was upset. "Yeah, I guess I am like a chicken." He smiled. "So how are you?" He asked a second later.
"Why do you ask?" Her mood shifted yet again.
"Because that's what friends do." Bill said softly.
"You think you're my friend now?"
"I called you."
"Calling me doesn't make you my friend." Harmony frowned and she chewed on her fingernail.
"What will it take then to make you my friend."
"Come back here."
"I already told you I was coming back. I'll be back before ten." He said.
"Okay."
"When I get back you'll let me be your friend?" Bill smiled and watched as Tobi and Andreas came out of Tom's room and walked toward him.
"Maybe." She said after a moments thought.
"Okay." He nodded. "That's fair enough."
"But why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you want to be my-"
"Friend?"
"Yeah."
"Can't you even say it?" He threw her line back at her and laughed.
"Friend. There. Are you happy?" She asked quickly but with a small smile.
"I guess." Bill shrugged and laughed. Andreas and Tobi leaned on the wall next to Bill and watched him try not to flirt with the girl on the other end.
"So?"
"So what?"
"So why?" She asked again.
"Because." Bill thought of leaving his explanation at that. "Because I think you can help me and I think I can help you."
"I don't need help." Harmony frowned and curled the phone cord around her finger.
"No, I guess not. But I need help and you need a friend."
"Fine." She gave in.
"So I'll see you tonight." Bill smiled.
"I'll be up. You know that."
"Yeah." He nodded. "Okay, I'll see you later."
"Bye." She said softly as she hung up the phone. Harmony turned and left Dr. Mueller's office without giving the doctor a chance to say a word.
"You are so schmoozing her." Tobi laughed as Bill hung the phone up on the wall.
"I'm not schmoozing her." Bill rolled his eyes as they headed back to the waiting room.
"You are totally schmoozing on her. Did you see that grin on his face when he was talking to her?" Tobi asked Andreas as they followed.
"Is she cute?" Andreas asked.
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer." Bill shook his head as he sat in one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room.
Tobi, Andreas and Bill sat in the waiting room with Benjamin, Gustav and a few of the other security guards. They chatted until Tom and Bill's parents arrived. Bill hugged his mom and they cried a little before they all went back to Tom's room. He was waking up a little and started to look around.
The guys left Tom and his parents alone for a little while. Simone and Gordan came out and said that he wanted to see Bill before he went back to sleep. Andreas and Gustav followed Bill down the hall to Tom's room. They knocked lightly before they walked in.
"Hey." Gustav smiled and sat at the foot of Tom's bed.
"Hey." Tom smiled and pried his eyes open.
"Look who's here." Andreas smiled as Bill pulled up a chair beside the bed.
"Bill? What are you doing here?" Tom asked quietly.
"I came to check up on you and Georg." Bill forced a smiled and patted Tom's shoulder.
"I messed up braids." Tom smiled and began to laugh. He stopped when he realized it hurt.
"Yeah, you did." Bill laughed lightly and gently touched Tom's matted hair. "But that's what shampoo is for."
"You gonna soap me up?" Tom asked with that certain sparkle in his eye. He was going to be okay.
"Hell no." Bill laughed.
"I bet we could auction it off on Ebay. Shampoo Tom Kaulitz's nasty head!" Andreas laughed.
"People would pay to do that?" Gustav asked.
"Hell they paid for his half eaten waffle that I put up for sale last week." Andreas shrugged.
"You sold a half eaten waffle? On Ebay?" Tom asked. Gustav nodded and everyone laughed.
"So you okay, Bill?" Tom mumbled.
"Yeah. I'm okay." Bill said softly.
"Then can we go home when I get outta here?" Tom asked.
"Um- I don't know about that." Bill said slowly. "I'm going back tonight. But I, uh- I'm doing a lot better, Tom. I am."
"I know you are." Tom nodded weakly and slowly smiled. "We'll all be 100% soon."
"Yeah." Bill nodded, "We will."
"Good because I've about had it with all these hospitals."
"Me too." Bill smiled.
"How's Georg?" Tom asked. "He broke stuff?"
"He broke the car." Gustav said.
"Yeah, he did." Tom tried to smile but winced instead. "My fuckin' face hurts."
"Yeah, well, you just about broke it in half." Andreas said.
"No." Tom said as he reached up to touch his face.
Bill reached out and stopped Tom's hand before he touched. "No. Don't touch it." Bill laid Tom's hand back on the bed. "You have a cut under your eye but there won't even be a scar." He explained. "It's nothing major."
"What about Georg?" Tom asked a minute later.
"Georg broke his collar bone and cut his forehead." Gustav said softly.
"And he broke his beak too." Andreas added.
"Beak? You mean nose?" Gustav nodded.
"He broke his beak?" Tom laughed even though it hurt like hell. "Oww! Don't make me laugh!"
"Sorry." Andreas smiled and tried not to laugh himself.
"So he's okay?"
"Yeah, you're going to room with him tonight." Bill said.
"Ha ha! Sucker." Tom smiled. "He knows I snore, right?"
"Yeah, we told him. He said he doesn't care." Andreas laughed.
"We'll see about that." Tom said as his eyes drifted closed. "I'm tired. Come back later?"
"We'll be here tomorrow." Tobi said.
"I won't. I'm going back tonight."
"Mmm." Tom managed a slow nod.
"Gimme a call." Bill said. "When you get up or whatever."
"Mmm." Tom said softly. He was forcing his eyes to stay open.
"I'm glad you're okay." Bill leaned over and awkwardly hugged Tom around his IV line.
"Just hurry up and get better so we can get outta here."
"I will." Bill smiled and said good-bye. The three men left Tom alone in his room as he began to snore. Georg was going to be in trouble.
Bill went with the others back to the hotel and ate dinner in Benjamin's room. His first real dinner in a while. "What time do you need to be back?" Gustav asked.
"Um, ten." Bill said between bites of spaghetti.
"Okay, we'll want to leave here in about an hour then." He nodded.
"Okay." Bill wiped his mouth and sat back in the chair. They talked about some band issues for a while. They went over their tentative schedule for their missed concerts. Everything was depending on when Bill, Georg and Tom could get out of the hospital.
"Do you know about how much longer you think you'll be in Ahoskie Behavioral?" Benjamin asked.
Bill looked up suddenly pissed off. "No." He shook his head. "This isn't like I'm painting my house and I can tell you when I think I'll be done. I'm getting better but I still have a long way to go. I can't give you a date for when I'll be better." Bill scowled and stood up quickly from his chair. He looked to Gustav and asked. "Can we go back now?"
"Sure." Gustav said slowly. "Let me get my coat." He stood and went to the other room to get his jacket.
"Don't be upset, Bill. We all want you to get better." Tobi said softly.
"I am getting better, Tobi. I just don't know when I'll be back to 100%."
"We know." Tobi rested his hand on Bill's shoulder. "Take as much time as you need."
"Thanks." Bill pulled him in for a quick hug before doing the same with Andreas. "I'll talk to you guys soon, okay?"
"You bet." Andreas patted Bill on the back as Gustav came back with his jacket.
"We'll call you as soon as Georg gets released, okay?" Tobi smiled.
"Yeah." Bill nodded quickly. "That'd be great."
"Immer mit der Ruhe." Tobi smiled and waved as Bill headed for the door.
"You too. And stay out of trouble." Bill shook his finger sternly at them.
"Yeah right." Andreas rolled his eyes as Bill shut the door behind him.
Gustav and Bill pulled up in front of Ahoskie Behavioral just before ten. Most of the lights inside were off but the front entry way was brightly lit. "You sure you wanna go back?" Gustav asked quietly as Bill stared at the front doors.
"Yeah." Bill whispered. "I have to."
"You don't have to if you don't want to. I've seen the difference in you, Bill. You're not who you used to be and I mean that in a good way."
"I know." Bill nodded and gave Gustav a little half smile. "I feel really good and everything. There's just-There's some stuff here I've gotta take care of before I can consider myself better. You know what I mean?"
"No." Gustav smiled and shook his head, "But if that's what you need to do, do it. You know we're all behind you 110%."
"I know." Bill nodded and looked at Gustav. "I'll talk to you later, right?"
"Yeah, we'll give you a call tomorrow and let you know what's up with the guys."
"Okay." Bill nodded and opened the passenger door. "Thanks for the ride."
"Anytime. I'll see you later."
"Bye, Gustav." Bill waved over his shoulder. He bounced up the steps and through the thick glass doors. Gustav waited until Bill was inside before slowly making his way back down the driveway.
Bill walked down the dimly lit hallway to the nurses desk. He scared the bajeezus out of the nurse on call. "Hey." He said as he walked up.
"You scared the living daylights out of me." She said as she held her hand to her chest. "Good Lord!" She laughed nervously. "What can I help you with?"
"I don't know. I think I need to check in with you? I'm Bill."
"Bill?"
"Bill Kaulitz." He said slowly as she looked at her chart.
"Right, oh right. You were off site for a family emergency?" she asked.
"Yeah." Bill nodded.
"And you're back now." She made a note on the chart and smiled. "Great, well have a good night."
"You too." Bill mumbled as he headed down the hall to his room. He scratched his neck and looked into the library as he walked by. He hoped to see Harmony. The library was empty and all of the lights were off so he continued walking toward his room.
"Hey." Harmony said softly from her room.
"Hi." Bill stopped and looked in. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed with cards laid out in front of her. Bill leaned against the door frame. "Did I miss anything?"
"Sophie had a complete melt down because they didn't make macaroni and cheese tonight. Cassey has taken up crocheting so we're all getting afghans. Dr. Mueller resigned and Fynn spoke." She said softly without taking her eyes off the cards.
"Yeah?"
"No." She shrugged and glanced up quickly. "But we really didn't have macaroni and cheese tonight."
"Are we supposed to?"
"Yeah. It's Thursday." She said as an explanation.
"Oh."
"How was it out there in the real world?"
"The same as in here apparently. We didn't have mac and cheese out there either."
Harmony laughed lightly and looked up at him. "Your brother and friend okay?"
"Yeah." Bill sighed and rubbed his eyes. "They're gonna be fine."
"Good. They're not going to be admitted here are they?" She asked. She implied that the accident wasn't really an accident.
"No." Bill shook his head and smiled. "I'm the only one who's fucked up in the head."
"Riiiiight." Harmony said sarcastically. "I've seen you guys. I'd say you all have a screw loose somewhere."
"Yeah, I guess you could say that."
"You're just the one whose screw fell out."
Bill laughed and shook his head. "That's one way to put it."
"Pretty clever, huh?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded and yawned. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed."
"Good luck." Harmony said softly. "Don't let your demons get you."
"I'll try not to." Bill waved good night and continued down the hall to his room. She had smiled at him and made polite conversation. Kind of like a real friend. He was actually getting through to her.
Bill smiled to himself and shut the door behind him. We're going to make it. Both of us. He thought to himself. That thought kept a smile on his face as he changed into his pajamas and slid under the covers for an uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.
-----------------------------
A week later both Tom and Georg were out of the hospital and on the mend. The media picked up on it right away and news of the accident was all over MTV, Entertainment Tonight and every other celebrity news show in the US. It worked out well though because it took focus off the fact that Bill wasn't around.
"Your friends were on TV again tonight." Harmony poked her head into the library where Bill was scribbling in his book.
"Yeah?" He asked without looking up. He was mid-thought and didn't want to lose it.
"They said you were in Germany dealing with some family issues." She said softly as she leaned on the doorway.
"Hmm?" He looked up and put his pen down. "Yeah, that's the press story." He nodded.
"So you're lying to everyone?"
Bill thought about that for a minute. "I guess so."
"You don't feel bad about that?"
"Take a seat." Bill nodded at the opposite end of the couch as he put his notebook on the table beside him. Harmony walked over slowly and tucked her feet under her as she sat. "I do feel bad about lying but, at the same time, it's none of their business."
"Then you should just say that."
"If a reporter asks where I am and they get told that it's none of their business, it makes them go out and find me. If they get told I'm dealing with family issues out of the country, they just leave it at that."
"Are you ashamed to be here?" She asked after a minute.
"This isn't my finest hour." He shook his head. "This is a business I work in. And it's not just me I have to worry about. I have three other guys' careers riding on this. Just like they have my career riding on their decisions. If this got out it wouldn't be good for any of us."
"You're not worried about anyone here talking?" She asked a minute later.
Bill shrugged. "Not really. I think if anyone were going to talk, they'd have done it by now. I'm not if sure many people here know who I am."
"I know." She raised her eyebrow at him and chewed on her thumbnail.
"Are you going to say anything?" He asked.
"Probably not." She shook her head.
"You won't say anything and the doctors and nurses can't say anything. I think I'm safe." He smiled.
"Okay." She said softly. "Your friends are okay then?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. "They're bruised up but they're going home now."
"Home to where?"
"Germany." Bill sighed. "They leave next week."
"Are you- I mean- What about you?" Harmony concentrated on picking at her fingers.
"It depends. If Dr. Mueller says I can go, I guess I will." He said softly.
"And if not?" She mumbled.
"I'll stay." He said as though there were no other option.
They sat in silence for a moment before Harmony said. "She won't tell you you're better."
"What do you mean?" Bill frowned.
Harmony sighed and mocked the doctor. "This is a journey to self-wellness. You will know when you've healed yourself well enough to take the step toward home."
"What does that mean? We can discharge ourselves?" He leaned closer to her on the couch.
"No. I'd have been outta here a long time ago." Harmony rolled her eyes. "All that means is that she won't tell you you're better. When you think you're better and you say something to her she'll either agree and let you go home or disagree and then you're stuck here. Like me."
"Do you think you're better?"
"I never thought I was sick."
"But do you think you've wrestled your demons or whatever?"
"Obviously not. I haven't slept in week." Harmony shrugged and stood up. "Do you think you're better?"
"I guess." Bill sighed. "If we're judging by sleep then I'm doing okay. I haven't had the nightmare again." He shrugged and stood beside her. "I guess I'll run it by Dr. Mueller and see what she says." Bill smiled slowly and looked at Harmony.
"She thinks you're ready." Harmony said matter of factly.
"You think?"
"She let you leave, didn't she?" She raised her eyebrow at him and frowned.
"But that was just to see my friends in the hospital." Bill followed her to the library door.
"She wouldn't have let you out the front door if you weren't ready."
"What about you?"
"She won't let me leave." Harmony shook her head and walked down the hall quickly. Bill stood at the doorway of the library and watched her.
"I can't leave if she's still here. She'll never make it." Bill thought to himself. He rubbed his neck and sighed as he walked slowly down the hall to Dr. Mueller's office.
Bill knocked softly on the door frame as Dr. Mueller wrapped up the call she was on. "Come on in, Bill." She smiled and motioned for him to sit in the big chair beside her desk. "How are things?"
"Good." Bill nodded.
"Are your friends out of the hospital?"
"Yeah." Bill nodded and sat in the chair. "Georg was out like the day after it happened and Tom just went home yesterday."
"That's good to hear. I'll bet you feel better."
Bill didn't answer her question. "They're going back to Germany next week."
"Are they? Is that where you're from?"
"Yes." Bill said softly and looked out the window. He'd spent so long here he'd forgotten how much he missed home. "I- I'd like to go home with them." Bill pulled at a string hanging off the cuff of his jeans.
"Do you think you're ready?" The doctor asked carefully.
"Yes." Bill looked up at the doctor. "I know that I am."
"Tell me why you think you are." Dr. Mueller leaned against the end of her desk and watched Bill.
He ran his hands through his hair and thought for a minute. "For years it's been all about the band and making everyone else happy. Changing to fit their image of perfect." He wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs and continued, "Before I, uh- Before I came here I know that I was getting angry, hurt and just really pIssed off because it was all about everyone else and I got selfish."
"You need to think about yourself, Bill."
"I know. But it became this weird obsession. It was like I turned into a 'me' monster. I was an ass to my friends, the guys, my brother and to everyone I knew basically. Petty things. Like if we did an interview I'd just be- I don't know. Focused on me. That doesn't make much sense, I'm sure. But that night in the- When I, uh- Cut myself- Everything came to light." He looked to the doctor for some kind of reinforcement. She just nodded and waited for him to continue. He took a deep breath as tears rose in his eyes. "I stood in that bathroom for a long time. A really long time. Just staring at myself. Kind of like the ultimate attention. It was all about me for the time I was standing there. But then the phone rang and it startled me and I knocked the medicine cabinet off the wall and it broke into pieces."
"Who was on the phone?" Dr. Mueller asked softly.
Bill looked up and wiped his eyes quickly. "That- That doesn't matter."
"It does." She nodded and gave Bill time to collect himself.
Bill hung his head and cried softly to himself for a minute. "It's not his fault." He shook his head slowly.
"Of course not."
"He didn't know I was thinking about it. He didn't know anything." Bill said softly. He just stared at his hands in his lap.
"No, he didn't." Dr. Mueller agreed.
"I- I don't have to tell him, do I?" Bill looked up with a desperate look in his eye.
"Not if you don't want to." She shook her head.
"Tom called to tell me I had to go out with them because the media was covering the party. So regardless of what I wanted to do, I had to go." He said softly. "Adjusting my life to accommodate other people. All the time."
"And that set you off?" Dr. Mueller asked.
Bill nodded. "Yeah, I think so." He sighed and picked at his fingers some more. "I mean, all I wanted was someone to pay attention to me and he calls to say I have to do this because of the band. In my own little messed up world that just- Do you know what I mean?"
"I do." She nodded. "You think that's changed now?"
"I know it has." He nodded. "I've had a lot of time to think in here." He laughed shortly and continued. "I agreed to sacrifice my private life and everything else when I joined up with these guys. I found myself in them and since I've been here I've seen that we're a team. Without one of us, the team is useless. I was seeing it kinda like four separate lives that would cram into a room as a team. Every time we got together we'd cram into the room but when we were done there was still ourselves. As we got bigger we all had to stay crammed in the little room and we became like this Tokio Hotel being. We kinda just lost ourselves. That's how I saw it anyways." He ran his fingers through his hair and leaned back in the chair.
"And now?"
"Now I see it for what it is." He nodded slowly. "The room got bigger so each of us as individuals can fit inside and still be ourselves. It's not all about me but it's not all about any of us individually. It's about all of us." He smiled slowly. "That's how it should be."
"Okay." Dr. Mueller smiled and nodded.
"I know that might not make any sense to you or to anyone else for that matter."
"It makes sense to you and that's all I care about." She walked around to the other side of the desk and sat with her elbows resting on the stacks of paper in front of her. "You said you were thinking about other people. Are you talking about the guys?"
"Them too." He nodded. "But I've always thought of the guys. We've shared our lives for too long to not think about them. I've been thinking about how to help Harmony."
"Hmm." Dr. Mueller nodded. She was silently cheering in her mind.
"I think I know how to really reach her but I'll need your help."
"You think you can help her?"
"I'm pretty sure." He nodded. "She needs to get out."
"Bill, I can't just let her-"
"I don't mean let her go. That's not what I meant. See, when you let me go see my friends in the hospital-"
"Those were special circumstances, Bill."
"I know." He nodded. "But when you let me go, she said that you only let me go because you must have known I was ready to leave. I just hadn't said anything yet because I hadn't realized I was ready."
"She's a brilliant kid." Dr. Mueller thought to herself. "Okay."
"So you need to show her that you think she's about ready to go. Let her leave for an hour or so."
"She really isn't prepared to go."
"I know." Bill nodded. "But if she thinks that you think she is that may be the push she needs to start making herself better. She wants to get better, Dr. Mueller. She really does. I think once she gets started she'll get better quickly." Bill's eyes pleaded with the doctor. "She just needs to get started."
"What exactly are you suggesting?"
"Let us leave for a couple hours."
"Bill, I can't just let two students leave here unattended." She said.
"Then discharge me." He said quickly. "I'm ready. You know I am."
"Bill-"
"Please, Dr. Mueller. I'd like to be able to go home with everyone. Home to Germany, I mean. They're leaving next week. I'm running out of time with Harmony."
"No matter what, she will not be ready to leave by next week."
"I know." Bill said as he pushed himself out of the chair. "But if we can get her started, it'll be a lot easier for her."
"I cannot let you two leave here unsupervised." Dr. Mueller shook her head.
"If you discharge me, then we'll have my security with me- With us."
"I will have to think about this." She sighed and took her glasses off.
"Okay." Bill nodded.
"However, I'd like to discuss your discharge." She smiled.
"Okay." He sat back down in the chair.
"You're ready to go, Bill." She smiled. "You've been ready for a while now and Harmony was right, I was just waiting for you to think you were."
"I am."
"I know." She nodded. "We have group session tomorrow. It will be your four week marker. I'd like you to be here for that."
"Okay." He nodded restlessly.
"I know you're anxious to get out of here but I'd like you to stay over the weekend so we can spend some time together and talk about what happens next."
"Okay." Bill smiled.
"What day are you leaving for Germany next week?"
"Thursday."
"When were you thinking about taking Harmony off site?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe Tuesday?"
"Why don't we do this. I will discharge you on Monday and from there we can talk about Harmony."
"Okay." Bill couldn't hide his smile. "I can really go home?"
"You really can. You've progressed wonderfully."
"Thank you, Dr. Mueller." He stood up and professionally shook her hand.
"You're welcome, Bill. And thank you." She smiled and watched as Bill left her office.
The next day at the group session Dr. Mueller announced that Bill would be going home the next week. Cassey would also be leaving in the next week or so as soon as travel arrangements could be made with her family. It was a good week for Ahoskie Behavioral.
Harmony remained quiet during the therapy session as usual. She wouldn't even look at Bill as he beamed. After the session was over she crossed her arms over her chest and stomped down the hall towards her room. "Harmony!" Bill called after her as he trotted to keep up. She didn't respond and all he saw was her hair bouncing insanely as she walked faster. "Harmony, wait up." He said as he fell into step beside her. "What? What's wrong?"
"You didn't tell me you were leaving." She said as she pulled her door open and stepped into the room.
"I tried." Bill said calmly. He waited for her to turn around and face him.
"Bullshit." She flopped down on the bed and glared at him.
"Harmony, I did try. I only found out last night. I knocked on your door but there was no answer and I didn't see you in the library or anything."
"I had my one-on-one last night." She frowned and wouldn't meet his eye.
"I tried, Harmony. I'm sorry I wasn't able to find you before the group session. But you knew this was coming. You knew this was coming soon." He leaned against the open door. He watched her for a minute neither of them said a word. "Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean that I'm not going to be your friend anymore." Bill said softly.
Harmony looked up quickly and wiped at her eyes. "It doesn't matter." She shook her head.
"Yes, it does." Bill nodded.
"When you get back to Germany you'll get back to your real life and forget all about this hell hole. Ahoskie Behavioral will be just a hiccup in your big flashy world."
"Harmony-" Bill started. "This last month has changed my life completely. There is no way I will ever forget this place or the people I've met here."
"Whatever." Harmony sighed and reached into her drawer for her playing cards. Bill was dismissed.
Four days later - Tuesday
"Hey, Harmony?" Bill knocked lightly on her door frame."Yeah?" She asked. She didn't look up from the cards laid out in front of her.
"Wanna come with me?" He asked.
"No." She answered. She thought for a minute. "Where?"
"To lunch." He said with a sly smile.
"I'm not hungry." She mumbled as she flipped a card over and stacked it on one of the piles.
"Come on. Please?" He prodded her with a smile as he waited.
"I'm not hungry, Bill. Besides don't you have to pack or something?"
"There's nothing from here I want to take." Bill explained. "Come on. It'll be fun."
"I'll pass." She finally looked up at him with a cold glare.
"Okay but I'm going to McDonald's." He raised his eyebrow at her and grinned.
"Very funny." She muttered as she picked up the cards and shuffled them in her lap.
"Do. You. Want. To. Come?" He asked slowly in a near whisper.
"Sure! Let me just throw on some shoes and walk out of here with you." Harmony said sarcastically.
"Go ahead. I'll wait." Bill crossed his arms over his chest and smiled.
"Yeah." She rolled her eyes. For a friend he played a lot of mind games. "Just bring me back a Whopper."
"They don't have Whoppers at McDonald's. How about a Big Mac?"
"I like Whoppers."
"Well then we can go to Burger King but hurry up. We only have a few hours." He tapped the face of his watch.
"You're so not funny, Bill." Harmony dealt the cards in front of her again and started another game of Solitaire.
"I'm not trying to be funny. Tom's the joker and he's waiting out in the car so let's go."
"I can't go." Harmony let her hair fall to cover her face.
"Yes, you can." He couldn't stop smiling.
"How?" She looked up at him with a blonde curl over one eye.
"I asked Dr. Mueller and she said you could come with me." Bill explained. "But if you don't want to go, you don't have to. I just thought you'd like to get-"
"Are you serious?" She interrupted him.
"Yeah." He nodded. "But seriously our ride is waiting."
"I can leave?"
"Well yeah but you have to come back tonight."
"I can leave?" She asked again.
"Yes! Come on." Bill laughed and held his hand out to her.
Harmony stared at his hand for a second. She stood up quickly and retrieved her shoes from under the bed. She laced them quickly and followed Bill down the hall. She never took his outstretched hand. She cautiously looked over her shoulder as they neared the big front doors. "Don't worry. She knows we're leaving." Bill said softly.
"I just-"
"It's kinda weird, huh?" He asked.
"A little." Harmony said as he pulled the door open for her. She stepped out into the rare December sunshine and squinted toward the curb where a black limo was waiting with Andreas and Tom leaning against the car near the trunk.
Bill waved to them as he and Harmony walked down the walkway. She stopped about halfway to the car and watched as Bill walked up to Tom and Andreas.
"Hey, guys. This is-" He stopped when he saw Harmony still standing on the walk. "Just a second." He said to the guys.
Bill walked up to where Harmony was. "You okay?"
"Yeah, it's just- Are you sure I can go?" She looked nervously over her shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm sure." Bill smiled and squinted into the sun. "I figured you'd be the first to jump at a chance to leave."
"I- I- I do want to leave." She stared at her shoes before taking a glance up at the limo.
"They're my friends, Harmony." Bill said softly as he again extended his hand to her.
She looked at his hand for a second but he wasn't backing down this time. He reached over and took her hand in his. As soon as she felt his hand she tightened her grip and smiled nervously up at him. That was one huge step in the direction of trusting someone. Actual physical contact.
She held onto his hand as they walked down to the curb and Bill started the introductions again. "Harmony, this is my twin brother Tom. And this is my friend Andreas. Gustav and Andreas are still in the limo. Guys, this is my friend Harmony." He said.
"Hey." Andreas smiled as he walked over to them and held out his hand to shake hers. She shifted her weight uneasily. It was hard enough to make herself hold Bill's hand. Bill quickly shook his head at Andreas. Andreas nodded and rested his hand back at his side. "You coming to lunch with us?"
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Awesome." Andreas smiled and jumped into the limo.
"Gustav and Georg are in there." Bill said as he pointed to the open door.
"Am I going, uh- In there with you?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah, if you want." Bill said. "I'm sorry this is so overwhelming but when I mentioned going out to lunch they all wanted to come." He smiled as Tom ducked into the limo. The cut under his eye was healing quickly but the stitches made it look a lot worse than it actually was.
"It's okay." She said softly. "They don't mind?" Harmony put off climbing into the car.
"No, they don't mind. I told them you're my friend. They're cool."
"Do they know that I- That I'm here?" She looked back at Ahoskie Behavioral to see Dr. Mueller standing in the doorway.
"Yeah." Bill said softly as he nodded. "That doesn't matter though." He followed her gaze to where Dr. Mueller stood.
The doctor raised her arm and waved at Harmony and Bill with a big smile on her face. "Have fun." She called to them.
"See? It's okay." He smiled and waved back to the doctor. Harmony still had a firm grip on his other hand. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm okay." She nodded.
"Let's go." Bill smiled and ducked into the car. He practically dragged Harmony in with him. They sat side by side facing the front of the car beside Georg.
"Georg and Gustav, this is my friend Harmony. This is Georg the Gimp and Gustav." Bill pointed them out.
"Hi." She smiled quickly.
"Hi." Georg leaned forward to say hello. His injured arm was still in a sling.
"How- How's your arm?" Harmony asked.
"It's okay." Georg sat back in his seat.
"So you're the one Bill was schmoozing on, huh?" Gustav asked as the limo pulled away from the curb.
"Gustav!" Bill, Tom and Georg said in unison while Andreas burst out laughing.
"What?!" Gustav asked innocently.
"Sorry, Gustav has no tact." Bill explained as his cheeks burned pink.
"It's okay." Harmony said softly as she nervously ran her hands over her hair. She wished she'd have thought to grab a ponytail tie.
"I haven't had McDonald's in forever." Tom sighed and sat back in his seat.
"We're going to Burger King." Bill said quickly.
"Aww, we want Big Macs." Gustav whined.
"So get a Whopper." Bill shook his head.
"That's not the same." Gustav shook his head.
"Quit bitching. It's a burger!" Andreas added.
"We don't have to go to Burger King." Harmony whispered.
"Don't worry about it." Bill smiled as he still held her hand tightly.
"If he wants to go to McDonald's just go there." She whispered.
"He's just being a baby." Bill shook his head. "Burger King is fine."
"Do you live around here?" Georg asked Harmony.
"Oh- Uh- Kind of." Harmony stumbled over her words. It had been more than two months since she'd actually talked to anyone outside of Ahoskie Behavioral. "My parents live in Forsyth County and my aunt lives not far from here."
"Cool. Have you ever been out of the country? Like to Germany?"
"Yeah." Harmony nodded and cleared her throat. "We, uh- My parents took me to Europe when I was little but I don't remember anything except an amusement park. It was no Disney World or Disneyland but, you know, what is?"
"Yeah, Disney World's fun. I like it a lot better then Disneyland." Georg smiled.
"No way." Harmony shook her head. "Disneyland is much better."
"No way!" Georg argued.
"Hey!" Bill laughed. "There is no way Disneyland better than Disney World."
"I was born in California. I have to stand by the original." Harmony allowed a small smile.
"I prefer Europa-Park in Germany." Tom stated.
"Actually I think that's where we went in Germany." Harmony said. "It's still not as good as Disney. Land or World."
"She's got you all on a technicality." Andreas laughed.
The limo pulled up in front of a Burger King a few miles away and Tom looked out the window. "Are we going in?"
"Let's go to the drive thru and eat at the park." Georg suggested.
"You wanna do that?" Bill asked Harmony.
"I- Yeah- That's fine. Whatever you guys want to do." She said softly.
"It's your day off. You can chose what we do." Gustav smiled.
"The park is fine." Harmony nodded.
"Awesome." Andreas leaned over the partition and had the driver go around to the drive thru. He pulled up far enough so that the back windows were at the speaker.
"Welcome to Burger King would you like to try one of our meal combos?" The unisex scratchy voice shouted from the box.
"Yeah, just a second." Tom shouted.
"Just let me know when you're ready." The voice said.
"Does everyone know what they want?" Tom asked the others.
"Yeah."
"Number Five." Georg said.
"Number Three."
"Just order for yourselves." Tom frowned.
"Do you know what you want?" Bill asked Harmony.
"Yeah." She nodded and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"Okay, we're ready." Tom said into the box.
"Go ahead." A new voice said.
"Okay, I want a Number Two with fries a Coke." Tom said.
"I'd like a Number Five with no lettuce and onion rings and a- Do you have Dr. Pepper?" Georg asked.
"Yes."
"Yeah, a Dr. Pepper." Georg nodded and sat back in his seat.
Gustav leaned over Tom and shouted. "I want a number 1 with onion rings and a frozen Coke thing."
They all shouted their orders to the box and had it repeated back to them before the limo pulled forward to the first window to pay. Gustav tossed his wallet to Tom. "I'm buying."
"Damn if I had known that I would've gotten one of those apple pies." Georg said.
"Yeah! I want one of those too." Tom whined.
"Not me." Bill said. "I'm allergic."
"I know." Tom said before he turned his attention to the kid at the window. "Hey can we get like five of those apple pie things too?"
"Sure. That'll bring the total to $35.32."
"Okay." Tom nodded and flipped through Gustav's wallet. He pulled out four tens. He paid the kid in the window and handed the change back to Gustav. "Thanks."
"Yeah, you guys owe me next time." Gustav laughed as they pulled forward to the second window.
"Here are your drinks. These are the Cokes." He said as he handed Tom a cup holder with four sodas. "And this is the Diet Coke and the Dr. Pepper."
"Thanks." Tom mumbled as he handed the sodas out.
"Gimme a napkin." Gustav laughed as the food was loaded into the back seat. Tom handed Gustav a hand full of napkins and began sorting out the food as the limo pulled back onto the main street.
Gustav's cup dripped condensation on his pants leg. He took one napkin, unfolded it and wrapped it around the cup. "There. Much better." He smiled and took another sip.
"I need a napkin." Andreas said as he held his cup as far away from his body as he could get it. He wrapped a napkin around his drink and began digging through his bag for food.
"Andreas, wait till we get to the park." Georg said as he folded the top of his bag down.
"I'm hungry." Andreas took a bite and smiled with his mouth full.
"That's attractive." Bill shook his head. "You'll have to forgive my friends. They're actually nine years old." He smiled at Harmony and released his hand from hers to open his bag and take out some fries.
"It's okay." Harmony smiled.
"We're not nine." Tom argued. "Andreas might be but I'm at least eleven." Everyone laughed as the limo drove quickly to the park where they took up several parking spaces and jumped out. They were grateful to finally be outside again.
"Over there." Andreas said as he slam-dunked his trash bag in the garbage can carried his Coke and apple pie over to a wooden picnic bench.
The group headed to the table and sat down on the benches. "How long has it been since you've been outside?" Tom asked Harmony. Bill cast him a glance which he promptly ignored.
"Oh, I was outside yesterday." Harmony said as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.
"We're allowed outside, Tom." Bill rolled his eyes.
"Well, I didn't know." Tom laughed.
"Yeah, and they even let us eat with utensils." Harmony said with a completely serious face.
"I- Well- I- I kinda thought-" Tom stuttered. The others laughed. They'd never seen Tom quite so speechless.
"Can you use knives and stuff?" Georg asked.
"Georg! Come on." Bill frowned.
"Well, if people are there because they tried to kill themselves you'd think they'd keep the weapons and stuff put away." He explained.
"If anyone can kill themselves with a bread knife, I'd be impressed." Harmony smiled. "When do you guys go home?" Harmony asked a few minutes later.
"Thursday." Bill said softly.
"That's pretty soon." Harmony caught Bill's eye.
"Yeah." He nodded. "I'm going to call you from Germany and check up on you." He smiled.
"You don't have to." Harmony shook her head and blushed.
"I know." Bill smiled back and took her hand under the table. "But I'm going to anyway."
Harmony hung out with the guys for a few hours before the fans started showing up and they decided to call it a day. They all piled into the limo again and headed back to Ahoskie Behavioral.
"Did you have fun?" Gustav asked Harmony as he slid in beside her.
"Yeah." She nodded.
"What time do you have to go back?" Georg asked.
"Um- I'm not sure. Bill?" She turned to face Bill. Her windblown curls would be a mess to brush out that night but for the first time Bill saw a happy Harmony.
"I told Dr. Mueller I'd have you back before 4." He said as all of the guys checked their watches.
"It's only 3." Andreas said.
"Yeah but we still have to drive her back." Bill said. "We'd better just head over now."
"It must suck to have to go back, huh?" Gustav asked.
"I- It, um- Yeah." Harmony nodded uncomfortably. "But I had a really good time today. I felt a lot closer to normal than I have in a long time." She smiled quickly then looked back at Bill. "You're not staying tonight, are you?"
"No." He shook his head. "I've officially checked out. I'll be at the hotel tonight."
"Okay." She nodded and looked at her lap.
"But I'll call you. How's that?"
"That's fine." She nodded again but didn't meet his eyes.
"You okay?" Bill asked softly as he took her hand again.
Harmony nodded quickly and ran her hand over her hair.
"I'm sorry you have to go back so soon." He whispered as the other guys started an argument over which was better, drums or guitar.
"I know." She whispered.
When they got back to Ahoskie Behavioral, Bill and Harmony climbed out of the car as the others shouted their good-byes to Harmony. "It was nice to meet you all." She smiled and waved into the limo as Bill started up the walk.
Bill walked her to the deserted front entryway and sighed. "I really hate to leave you here."
"It'll be okay." She said.
"You're going to get better really soon. Dr. Mueller is there to help you. I know you think she's pretty much a moron but she really can help out a lot. She thinks you're well enough to leave for a few hours. That's gotta account for something."
"Yeah. You're just a smooth talker." Harmony smiled slowly. "I know what games you play."
"You think so?" He smiled playfully.
"I think so." She nodded.
"Either way. I know you're well enough to leave for a few hours. I just hope you can see that too and start to fix yourself." He said softly.
"Thanks for today, Bill." Harmony looked down at the brown and beige linoleum flooring under her feet. "I had a really good time."
"Good. That was the whole point." He smiled as Gustav leaned over the seat divider and honked the horn at them. Bill looked quickly towards the door and back at Harmony. "I guess I should go."
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Can I- Is it okay if I give you a hug?" Bill asked shyly. He knew how she was about touching. She didn't answer so Bill took a step toward her and gently touched her arms before pulling her in for a hug. She didn't move at first. She just stood there rigid in his arms. But she didn't push him away which was good enough for Bill. "I'm going to miss you, Harmony. You helped me get to where I am now. Thank you." He whispered into her curls.
"You're welcome." Harmony whispered as she began to cry. "And thank you, Bill." She slowly raised her arms and wrapped them around Bill cautiously.
Bill's eyes filled with tears as he felt her arms go around his waist. He had made contact and he might have even helped her a bit. "I'll call you, okay? To check up on you."
"Okay." She nodded and sniffed quickly but didn't let go.
"You'll be out of here before you know it." Bill whispered. "We'll get together and do something, okay?"
"Yeah." She said softly.
"Friends?" Bill asked as he took a half step back.
"Friends." She nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.
"Good." Bill smiled and sniffed. He hoped to hide the fact that his eyes were wet. The limos horn sounded again. "Take care of yourself."
"You too." Harmony forced a smile as Bill trotted toward the front door and pulled the thick glass doors open.
"I'm coming!" Bill shouted as the door slowly shut behind him. Harmony smiled and yawned as she headed down the hall to her room. She was looking forward to the solid sleep she was sure would come. She had hope to get better. She had a reason to try. She had a friend.
Chapter Two