I got the blues
Mood:
blue
Now Playing: copy machines and phones ringing
im still sick..love sick..i dnt knw how long i can go like this. its so hard to try to go on with ur life when a big peice that was always there everyday is no longer there...has left me alone to pick up the peices of my broken heart...my shaddered heart...this fucken sucks! i really hate myself for being so stupid n letting my self open up my heart to him, or to anyone...never again...my heart is ganna be on lock down just like jessy n britney always told me i should have it but never litsened...but now i knw...i feel really crappy..i havent heard from him..even though i did tell him not to talk to me no more..but it sucks...i feel like he dsnt care about me anymore...;(
this morning i cried...ive been trying to be strong and not cry but i couldnt take it...i was looking at his pictures and all of the memories n everything just made me cry..made me miss him...i still love him but i dnt think ha feels the same about me anymore...
yesterday was sunday. n it was when it happened...i went to church that day...i dnt go to church...that was the first time ive gone in a very long time...it made me smile though..it made me remember how nice church is even if i think its still borring...but im not turning all religious, dnt get me wrong...im still me..i pray every night..always have since i was little...i pray for God to take care of the ppl i love..n to take care of me...he was one who i wanted God to take care of...
man i wanna go out somewhere n just go crazy...take all my feelings n emotions out n just have fun...forget about everything...
im supposed to hang out with this one dude saturday..its his birthday..n hes ganna go get a tattoo! ha..its ganna be this emo bunny...haha..but yeah im ganna go..n his friends r ganna be there...
i think they're ganna drink..i wasnt ganna go but he said that he wasnt ganna drink...so thats cool...
man today was the first regular work day without my car ;(..i had to drive my dads car today cuz the other car isnt ready for me...my dad woke me all extra early so i can drop him off work n bring the car back..i was hal asleep..n i was having a cool dream too..i was dreaming that i was driving a police car on the hollywood sidewalks haha crazy shit..then i got off at this restaurant, speaking of which, hells kitchen is on tonight! anyhoots back to m dream...so i was there n there were all these ppl just sitting there in these really high chairs..n then mom woke me up! hahaha
aww its its 11 n britney is leaving!..she came back today :) but it wasnt a good time for her to come back cuz im supposed to be happy to c her, i mean i am but the other feelings were much stronger =/
man we missed out on a lot of things...i had so many things i wanted to do with him..places to go..ppl to see...
i was ganna surprise him with tickets to one of his favorite bands but guess thats not ganna happen....i wanted to go to the aqarium..even if he thought it was borring..if he was with me, that shouldnt have mattered...i also wanted to go to the dinosaur bones museum..ive never gone there n i tought that wouldve been awesome!...i had bought a disposable camera to waste on just pictures of us acting stupid n stuff like that..but that never happened..n that camera is sitting there, un opned =/...i was also ganna get him his favorite movie on dvd..but guess not...oh n i also wanted to buy him this one thing he saw that he wanted, but i never got around to it...u knw i was even ganna buy him a cymbal for his birthday..even if i was broke...but not anymore...man im so stupid..i never got anything in return..i not that i did it to get anything back, i just did it to see him smile...
i was talking to eddy (an old friend from high school) yesterday n he was telling me that maybe it was his fault that i did so poorly in school...but i dnt blame him..i blame myself..i choose my choices....he told me to just focus on school right now..maybe i should..n he also told me to go out somewhere n flirt around haha he makes me laugh...man eddy was telling me that he was already an engenier n how much he's leared at that school...he was talking about big engines n stuff...man when i hear from him i feel like im doing crap in my life..he already has his carrer path set..n me..im playing tag n watching animaniacs..n eatting babys gerber banana! it rocks!...
man im hungry n i still got an hour and 20 min to go...
i got nothing to do...i dnt like having nothing to do cuz if i dnt have anything to do, then i think n i dnt want to think because if i think i remember n if i remember i cry n i dnt want to cry anymore...so i just gatta keep my mind busy...ms bee, the office maneger almost caught me crying in the copy room but i turned really fast so she didnt see my face...these ppl keep asking me questions like whats wrong..n im like nothing!...
:( when in fact everything is wrong!
sometimes i begin to miss jebo...u knw before he broke my heart too...he was really cool..he was like the first guy that ever payed attention to me..well the first one i liked any how...i just screwed everything up by being too shy n such a little girl!... he found someone else that didnt keep him waiting n there he went....i also miss how rogelio would treat me...he was the sweetet guy...he gave me flowers..he wrote me letters...i gave me a santa n a homer :).. well jebo gave me a purple bunny! that was so sweet of him..i loved it!...yeah anyways..rogelio, even though he was sweet..he wasnt what i wnanted....
then i met rod...he sweapt me off my feet..he seemed to be what i was looking for...i never had any doughts..unlike him..he always had doughts...he always broke up with me..i never broke up with him..i always wanted to work things out...if ppl r in love as they say they truly r, they should want to be with that person n try to work things out...nothing is impossible if u truly love eachother...everything has a solution..u just have to compromise...sacrifice a little...understand eachother n acknoledge how they feel about certain things n try to work it out...thats what a relationship should be..a real relationship...a meaningfull relationship...maybe i didnt act this way all the time but i so did want to work things out when they where falling apart...i guess me being the only one so deep in love isnt a real relationship...i knw its a lot to ask for a person to change somthing about themselvs that they've done since before they even ever met...but just a slightly little compromise would have been awesome....asking for me to chnage n him not isnt fair..then y am i doing it for?..n still it wasnt enough...if he would have just said "babe.." (im weak when i guy i love calls me babe..i love it)...anyhoots if he would have said "babe, u knw i love you n i want u to be happy..so i tell u what..ill drink n smoke with the guys only twice a month...now come here and give me a big o' kiss..muah!..here u go..some white roses"
hahaha wow that would so have been great!...but he'd never say that to me...he'd never give me flowers...
he'd be more like "i need some space"...which i think is guy for "u cant tell me what to do, i do what i want when i want so bye"
la-dee-da..now he has space from me...hopefully he's as misrable as i am......hes probably happy cuz hes not trapped anymore...well congrats to him, he got rid of the annoying bitch on his back ;/
ha my sister just walked in to the office..wave everyone hehe...okay shes gone..pretending to be happy is hard...wow its 12:30 already n im still here hehe man write a book already nery! gosh! okay thanks angelfire for letting me express my feelings on this 2-dimentional place :) n thanks fellow angelfireanns for lending me ur eyes hehe..n reading the borring stories that r my life...stay tune for more borringness up ahead...peace..love..and GAP!
:)
ps..imagen if all this erased when i tryed to post it hahaha