Life is what you make of it... Kinda like Play-Doh.
When I'm feeling down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.
Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
To err is human; to REALLY screw things up requires a computer.
Any closet is a walk in closet if you try hard enough.
You're just jealous that the little voices left you for ME!
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Hey. Your village called. They want their idiot back.
Such deep thoughts for such a shallow mind.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If someone annoys you, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with barbeque sauce.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot other people in the eyes!
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
Apparently, the knight in shining armor who was supposed to sweep me off of my feet got lost in the woods.
Sanity is not my strong point.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten. *pathetic mewing* If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called Schizophrenia.
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
