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November 14, 2003

Before I start writing this, I want it to be public knowledge that Amy is my world, and without a doubt, the person I have loved most in my entire life. It just happens that I'm not very pleased with the way things went with her tonight, and tonight just happens to be the first night I decided to write my thoughts on my website.

Today didn't go very well. No, today was just flat out shitty. I've come to the conclusion that I very much dislike Amy around other people. She has no self control when she's in a group. I could name a few specific examples, but I'd rather not go there.

I said a long time ago that I simply cannot tolerate stupidity, and it seems that still holds true. It's one thing to get excited and make a quick outburst without thinking (ie when you're in the middle of a concert and you see someone you haven't seen for a long time), but it's quite another to do it continuously without any real purpose, even after you've been informed that it's bothering someone (ie when you're in a concert and you're trying to make a stupid comment to someone four seats away and you're leaning over the person next to you to do it). Chances are, if you've annoyed the person you've come with enough that they're telling you to settle down, the people behind you who you don't even know are probably a little ticked as well. They don't preform concerts to give you a chance to hang out with your pals, they preform concerts so that you can watch the concerts. I was up there on that stage not too long ago, and let me tell you, there's nothing more discouraging than having an audiance that doesn't give a damn about your performance.

Having said that, I appologize for being an ass tonight. I only put that part first because it was sticking out the most in my mind, not because it was the only part of my night, or even the biggest part of my night, that made it a bad experience.

I hate being in that school. My high school experience was not particularly the highlight of my life, mostly due to my peers rather than my learning experience - though some of my learning experiences were not altogether pleasant either. Mrs Funkhouser alone was enough to leave a bitter taste in my mouth, but my education was good, and her classes were some of the better classes as far as actually learning something. What really got me, though, was having to put up with the other kids in that school. I cannot type the word 'hate' enough to describe my feelings toward the people I grew up with. Yes, Alison, I am terrible with people, and I have 13 years of excuses why. I point you out because I know you've noticed. With individuals, however, it's quite a different story. I'm very good with people on a personal level.

My parents are fighting. Again. It's not the first time I've expected them to get a divorce, but this time I'm old enough and close enough to being gone that there's not much stopping them. They haven't said a word about the condition of the basement, and this is the worst I've seen it in a while. That's saying a lot. I don't think they slept in the same bed tonight. Mom was downstairs watching TV when I got home, and dad was in bed writing something and reading his bible. Mom never goes downstairs alone unless she's using the computer, and that doesn't happen very often. Dad only opens his bible when he wants to quote something, and he only writes when he can't tell someone something in person; when it's both, there's trouble. I know mom's had a rough time at work lately, and God only knows what's going on in dad's life.

Michael Lam is my closest friend right now. Funny, concidering I hardly know him. I know Sean will always be there if anything serious happens and I turn to him for help - he was the best friend I've had my entire life before I started paying more attention to the opposite sex and he started getting tired of hearing about it. I don't blame him. Even then, we kept a pretty good relationship. I guess the final blow was when I started trying to fit in to the group of people he was trying to get out of, and vice versa. After that, communication fell apart, we didn't have the time to spend together, and we each started picking up all the habbits and tendencies that the other was getting sick of. I really miss the way it was. It's one of very few things I miss about my past.

Next thursday will be exactly two months until I go to boot camp. I'm scared as hell. I'm going to be leaving Amy, which is the part that worries me most, for thirteen weeks. I don't know how. I just don't know how. I was never athletic. What the hell was I thinking; I hate running and being given orders, why am I choosing a proffession that's based on those things? God help me. I guess the reason I'm doing it is exactly the reason I shouldn't be doing it. It's everything that I'm not. Maybe that's what I need.

It has not been a good day.

But tomorrow, the sun will rise.

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This page last updated 15 November 2003.
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