Title: Toys

Author: Eumenides

Rating:  Really PG-13, but say R if you're prudish

Pairings: SB/RL

Warnings;  Humour

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to J.K.Rowling.  No copyright infringement is intended.

 

"But what are they FOR?" Harry asked incredulously, staring at the odd collection of objects on the shelf in Sirius's bath.

 

Sirius groaned, inwardly damning the horde of Weasleys who had clogged up his home's facilities, and deeply regretting the generosity that had prompted him to offer Harry the use of his bath.   He took a deep, calming breath.  "Well.  I'm not sure where to start here, okay.  Do you know where babies come from?"

 

Harry's face flushed.  "Of course I do.  Madam Pomfrey did lectures, 2^nd Year.  With pictures."   He shuddered, remembering the Wizarding photos and how they had moved.  

 

Pictures.  Great.   "Good.  That's good," he said with an authority he did not feel.  "So you know about…uh…reproduction."

 

Harry looked at him skeptically.  "I knew about that before.  Well, sort of.  Aunt Petunia told Dudley and me that the stork brought babies to the cabbage patch.  But I knew that was total codswallop.  Anyone finding Dudley in their cabbage patch would have called an exterminator, not brought it home and wrapped it in nappies."

 

        Sirius snorted.  "Well, do you know that sometimes people have.." he inhaled sharply. "…have sex when they don't want babies?  That it feels good?"

 

        Harry's face bypassed crimson and went straight to maroon.  He turned away from Sirius' studied earnestness.  "I'm fifteen.  I know about wanking."

 

        Fifteen.  Sirius remembered, dimly, being fifteen.  Being fifteen was walking around with a perpetual erection, humping anyone and anything that would stay still, and most things that wouldn't.  He even had a vague recollection of trying to shag Snape, but maybe that was something the Dementors had made up to torment him.  "Let's have a seat."

 

        Sirius' bed was huge and old and hung with tapestries that had once been richly woven but were now musty and dank.  Buckbeak glared at them as Sirius pushed him back and collapsed onto the dusty surface of the duvet cover.  "Budge over, Beaky."

 

Harry noticed that the bed creaked horribly, and the Buckbeak seemed very territorial about it, and wondered if Sirius even slept there.

 

        "So you know about what men and women do together, and you know about wa – about masturbation."  He was damn well going to try and do this right.  James, if you weren't dead, I'd kill you.  Harry nodded.  "Well. Some wizards, oh hell, some men really, aren't interested in women.  They like, er… want, other men.  And some women want other women instead of men.  Did you know that?"

 

        Harry raised his eyebrow. "Yes, Sirius, I've heard about gay people.  I do watch Muggle telly in the summer, you know."

 

        "The BBC has obviously changed some since the 1970's then."  Sirius commented, remembering those weeks in summer spent at the Lupins' home, watching Dr. Who.  Although he had his suspicions about the Jon Pertwee doctor in that lovely smoking jacket.

 

        "A bit, yes," Harry commented. "So you're gay, then?"

 

"Bisexual, really, but I haven't had a girlfriend since my 5^th year at Hogwarts. So, yeah, you could say I'm gay.  Does it bother you?"

 

Harry didn't have to even think about that one.  "No. You're my godfather.  I love you – don't care about that stuff."  Sirius smiled fondly at him.  "But you haven't answered my question.  Maybe I should ask Mrs Weasley?"

 

        Sirius sat bolt upright, face ashen.  "No.  In fact, it would probably be best if you never let on to Molly that we even had this conversation.  Okay.  The 'objects' in the loo.  The jar is, well…" this was ridiculous, he was starting to sweat.  "Lubricant."

 

        Harry looked at him quizzically.

 

        "When men and women are…together, women create their own lubrication.  Two men can't do that, so they have to use something or it hurts."  The words came out in a hurried rush, and he looked away.

 

        "Okay, I get that.  And the one thing that looked like a …a todger, I get what that's for – not sure why it's purple, though."

 

        Sirius collapsed on the bed, laughing hysterically.  Buckbeak glared gimlet-eyed down at him.  "Todger?  A todger?"

 

        Harry sulked as only a fifteen year old who is being laughed at can.  "Well, that's what Uncle Vernon always called it, and the other words I know are rude."

 

        Sirius stopped laughing and sat up, concerned.  "Harry, just how often did Dursley talk about his todger?  Was there ever anything…"

 

        "Sirius!  Eww.  You're just trying to change the subject."

 

        "Not so, I'm just concerned about my godson's welfare."  His attempt to change the subject foiled, Sirius soldiered on.  "So you get that one.  It's called a dildo, by the way."  Two down, one to go.  He could do this, really he could.

 

        "What about the little lava lamp?"

 

        Sirius paused.  Was there something else on the shelf he'd missed?  Had Remus been shopping again?  "Lava lamp?"

 

        "You know, like from the sixties.  Dean Thomas had one that was his mum's.  It wouldn't work at Hogwarts, obviously, but you plug it in and this stuff heats up and – "

 

        Sirius shook his head.  "You might not believe it, but once upon a time, back when rocks were soft and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was cool. I know what a lava lamp is.   I'm just not sure what you're talking about."

 

        Harry jumped up and went back to the bath.  He emerged seconds later, gingerly carrying the 'lava lamp' by two fingers. "I can sort of see through it, but there's no way to plug it in, unless it's some kind of wizarding light that doesn't run on electric?"

 

        Sirius muttered something Harry didn't quite catch.

 

        "Sorry? Did you say 'mutt rug?'"

 

        "Butt plug.  It's a butt plug."  His godfather was staring at his hands.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  Gryffindor courage.  He met Harry's eyes.  "You use it in your arse."

 

        Harry dropped the plug as though it burned him and sat back down on the bed.  Knowing intellectually that his godfather was gay was one thing.  The 'dildo' was kind of normal looking, although he still didn't understand why it was violet-purple, and he supposed it went the same place as the plug, but the strangely shaped plug just seemed weirder somehow. "Why?"

 

        Sirius picked his toy up from the moth-eaten carpet.  "Men have a gland, in their arses.  The prostate.  It feels good when you touch it.  Using something like this allows it to be touched while you do other things."  Like having Remus' glorious cock down my throat, Sirius thought, wishing with all his heart that he was doing that right now instead of having this conversation.  "This one is fairly small. And they can come in other shapes. Remus has one that – "  He never got to finish.

 

        Harry leapt from the bed like it was on fire.  "Remus?  You mean you and Professor Lupin are…together?"

 

        This was not a subject he could ignore or joke about.  "Yes, Harry.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way – I wanted to tell you sooner, but Remus thought you had enough on your plate right now.  I hope it doesn't bother you." Because if it does, it's just too damn bad, his tone clearly said.

 

        Harry reached a tentative hand out and touched his godfather's shoulder.  "No.  It was just kind of a shock, you know.  How long?"

 

        "Since always, really.  The actual sex started in 6^th Year.  Of course, we lost a lot of time."  He shuddered, remembering how the raw chill of Azkaban had almost wiped Moony's love from his memory. 

 

        "Did my dad and mum know?" Harry asked gently, drawing his godfather back to him.

 

        "Oh, yes.  Your dad knew before we did – he got us together."  He drew Harry down into a rough hug.  "Did I answer your questions?"

 

        Harry nodded, "Yeah, thanks.  I expect this wasn't too easy for you.  You were great."

 

        "James used to say he was going to make me do 'The Talk'.  Said it would be part of my godfatherly duties.  I doubt he anticipated it would include lube and butt plugs, though."  He toyed with the plug as Harry slipped from the room.

 

 

 

 

        Remus smiled warmly as Sirius came into the kitchen and planted a soft kiss on his head.  "Hmm.  That's nice.  Molly went shopping, took all the children but Harry with her, so we're almost alone. If you'd like to go upstairs?"

 

        Ordinarily that would have been all that Sirius needed to sweep his lover into his arms, but instead he sat down heavily.  "You'll forgive me, Moony, but I don't think I could right now.  I've just had a rather traumatic experience."

 

        Remus looked curious.  "I thought you were talking to Harry."

 

        "You have no idea."  Sirius poured a mug of tea.    "Where is Harry, anyway?"

 

        "He asked me if I had any pictures of us at school, so I sent him up to go through my trunk."

 

        "Which trunk?"  Sirius was suddenly very still.

 

        "The one at the end of my bed, Padfoot.  Why?"

 

        The mug hit the stone floor and shattered into a million tea-soaked pieces and Sirius started towards the door, then halted, abruptly.  Harry stood in the doorframe, holding up a pair of leopard-fur lined handcuffs and a small leather whip.

 

        "But what are they FOR?"  he asked, smiling wickedly.