Random Mutterings At The Back.

(Or Little Hangleton, seen from another perspective)


by UnderLucius & Eumenides (started as an MSN conversation)

Rating R for language and implications and general Monty Python-ness.

Characters: Two death eaters who don't want to be named thank you, because you never know who might be reading this. Even Voldemort might have an LJ.





Oh great, that's a good start, have you seen the body over there? He's only gone and killed a child.  Ruddy Wossits son.


Oh fucking hell, that's going to look good on the recruiting posters - "We also kill pureblood wizards' children, join up."


What's he doing now?  My leg's gone to sleep.


He's talking to the BNDE's.




Big Name Death Eaters.  You know. The one's at the front.


Oh. Right.  THEM.  Glad I'm in the back row to be honest.


I don't know.  I'd like a bit of attention.  Aren't his hands nice? I'd forgotten.


You're disgusting, you know that don't you?


Er hello?  Mr Death Eater calling the kettle black?


Shut up. He'll hear you.


Where's he going?  Oh cripes, another child.  What is it with him and little boys? Who is it, can you see?


Harry Potter.


Oh.  That's that’s ok then.  Horrid little bleeder, is he dead?


No.  Sir is still yakking. Oh shit he's going to tell us how clever he is... and my knees are killing me.  My rheumatism will 'alf give me gyp kneeling in a damp churchyard.


And listen to him whinge on about how we didn't spend the last 12 bloody years crawling all over Europe looking for him.  As if I didn't have better things to do with my time.


Too right.  'Mightier than any living wizard' my arse.  If he's so fucking mighty, why doesn't he just curse Potter instead of talking us all to death?


I think I've ruptured something.  Not natural balancing on one knee.


God doesn't he go on.....


What's he saying, I can't hear, stupid squeaky voice.  Can't he use a Sonorous?


Just boasting.  Who does he think he is, anyway?  I hear he spent a year on the back of some idiot's head.


Yeah, and under a turban.


I bet he's prob'ly foreign. 


Or gay, gotta be, the whole turban thing.


I'm gay - is that a problem?


Guessed as much.  Why aren't you up there sucking up then?  You'd look good in a turban.


Dunno - don't think he fancies me, he's got a thing for blonds, Malfoy and Wormtail, and why does Wormtail get the fancy hand anyway?  I'd have given him a hand.


I bet you would, I say, I bet you would.  Yeah, what's with that? Do you think he ... you know... does stuff to the Boss with it?


Ooh, I'll just bet he does.  Filthy little pervert.  I want to be Dark Lord.


You wanted to be prime minister last week. Make your mind up


I could be both.   Look at Thatcher.


You've got a point there.  Shh, he's looking this way.  *prostrates*




Master……S'ok, he's gone.


Could you have said that any more creepily?  Master…I saw you kiss his hand. 


Well, I said, he's got nice hands.  Soft too.  Wonder what he uses?


Shut up!  You make me sick.  Oh come on, just KILL him and be done with it.


What's the hurry?


I think I've left the cauldron on.


What's that he's going on about now?  Why doesn't he just kill him?


Too bloody fond of the sound of his own voice.   Squeaky git... look at that bloody Malfoy sucking up "Ooh master.."  "Yes master" "Three bags full Master" "Let me suck your dick Master" creep. 


Like it up the arse, do you Malfoy?


Yes, he does.  Tight too.


Gross! You didn’t!


Sorry. Thought you knew.


No!  When was this?


Quidditch World Cup, when you went to the bar.


I wondered where you went.  I was waiting ages with your pint.


Sorry, I'll make it up to you, pint after? If he EVER stops yakking.


Yeah, and fish and chips.


It's a date.  Don't look at me like that. I'm only joking. Eh yup, something's happening,  he's challenged the boy to a duel.


No!  What a wanker.  Oh well this won't take long. Uber Wizard vs 14 year old.  Oo, how exciting - not. Let's go and watch.  We could sell tickets, make enough for a nice holiday somewhere warm.  That'd fix your rheumatism.


50p says he makes an arse of himself.


50p?  Well, aren't you the big spender?


All right, a tenner, then.  But you're going to lose.  He'll cock things up somehow, just you wait.


You're absolutely mad.  He's the Dark Lord and I hear Potter even had to cheat on that Triwizard thingy.  It'll be a slaughter.


Put your money where your mouth is then.  Twenty?


You're on.