The World According To Student Bloopers
- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.
- They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
- The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
- The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
- The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
- God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
- Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
- Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not
take to it.
- One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
- Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
- Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.
- Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
- He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
- Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.
- The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths.
- A myth is a female moth.
- One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intolerable
- Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.
- Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
- Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
- In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
- The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
- The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own
hands.
- There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbours were doing.
- When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had
more men.
- Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
- History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
- The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
- Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.
- King Alfred conquered the Dames.
- King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
- King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
- Joan of Arc was canonised by George Bernard Shaw.
- The victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
- The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
- In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
- The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also
wrote literature.
- Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on
his son's head.
- The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human
being.
- Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
- He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
- It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of
the Renaissance.
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
- Gutenberg invented the Bible.
- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
- Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult
because he had an abbess on his knee.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."
- As a queen she was a success.
- When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."
- Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
- Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
- He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
- In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy.
- In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood.
- Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
- He wrote "Donkey Hote".
- The next great author was John Milton.
- Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."
- Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
- During the Renaissance, America began.
- Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic.
- His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
- Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
- When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them.
- The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back.
- Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very
fatal to them.
- The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
- Many people died and many babies were born.
- Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.
- Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps.
- During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls.
- The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
- Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
- Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence.
- Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm.
- He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided
against itself cannot stand."
- Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.
- Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
- Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
- Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands.
- When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
- He said, "In onion there is strength."
- Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to
Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
- He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the
ex-Negroes citizenship.
- But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims.
- On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by
one of the actors in a moving picture show.
- The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposed insane actor.
- This ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
- Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton.
- It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
- Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Bach died from 1750 to the present.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
- He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
- He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
- Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- France was in a very serious state.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.
- The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
Napoleon.
- During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
- Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
- Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
- He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
bear him any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and
the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
- She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
- He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality.
- Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
- The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
- Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
- Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
- Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
- Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".
- Madman Curie discovered radium.
- Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
- The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a
new error in the anals of human history.