There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house - not because this was woman's work,
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental
health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew
believed that the forest was a
foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was so
confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder
her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what
was in the basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through
the woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will
ignore it because of your traditional
status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own,
entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had
freed him form slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely
valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's
night-clothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some
fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing
matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see
you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly
attractive in it's own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed.
He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood
screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but
because of his wilful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he
preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to
intervene. But as he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And what do you thing you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for
you!" She said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How
dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's
help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the
woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood,
Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an
alternative household based on mutual respect and co-operation, and they lived together in
the woods happily ever after.