Ways to Be Offensive at a Funeral


  1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

  2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

  3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

  4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

  5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

  6. At the cemetery, play Taps on a kazoo.

  7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

  8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

  9. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

  10. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

  11. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

  12. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

  13. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

  14. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

  15. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

  16. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

  17. Slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

  18. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!"

  19. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

  20. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

  21. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.