The Four Captains

Why Kirk is
better than Picard
Why Picard is
better than Kirk
Why Sisko is better
than Picard and Kirk
Why Janeway is
better than all three
Kirk is a leader,
not a follower
Picard is a lover,
not a fighter
Sisko is a leader
AND a fighter
Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together
Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jump-suit" look Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jump-suit" look There's nothing kinky about Sisko's jump-suit Janeway has a better jump-suit than all of them
Kirk has sex more
than once a season
Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season Sisko is still in mourning for his wife, which neither Kirk nor Picard would know anything about Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it."
Kirk never drinks tea Kirk obviously has
a bladder problem
Sisko drinks Raktajino Drinks coffee, not that
awful Earl Grey
Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge Sisko hates Picard. And he doesn't care about Kirk Wesley has yet to
save the ship
Two words: Shoulder Roll Two words: Picard Manoeuvre Two more words: Well endowed Sisko prefers to beat people with the butt of a phaser Three Words: Very Well Endowed
Kirk doesn't wear a dress when admirals arrive for lunch Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk Sisko wears the same uniform everyday, regardless of who drops by. Janeway doesn't have to deal with admirals at all and looks a lot better in a dress than the rest of them
Kirk knows
20th Century curses
Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults Kirk was just a parrot when it came to profanity, and Picard swears in French. Sisko has O'Brien, and he says "bloody" Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid"
Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology Kirk *was* low performance technology Sisko makes do with
ALIEN technology
Janeway makes do without the Federation helping her all the time
Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those pesky Yeomans Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off--even around those pesky Cardassians Sisko doesn't have any pesky yeomen. And the only time he takes off his pants for a Cardassian is to have them MENDED Janeway doesn't have any pesky yeomen or any pesky Cardassians
Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call Sisko uses the holosuites to outsmart the enemy AND fish Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him
Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut Sisko's uniform hides his gut AND doesn't ride up She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands AND she doesn't have a gut, AND her uniform doesn't ride up
One Word: Velour Three words: Stretch velour jodhpurs One word: Turtleneck Three words: Form fitting uniform
Kirk can beat a
Vulcan at Chess
Picard's counsellor can beat an android at chess Sisko can beat a 300-year old Trill at chess Who has the time for Chess?
When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks Spock should have let him fall Sisko won't retire before his 65th birthday like Kirk did Janeway definitely won't retire before her 65th birthday either and she'll look better than all of them when she is
When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it Sisko may only be a Commander, but his job is incredibly important, more so than the captain of any starship. Plus, he has a warship, not a family-laden starship Janeway is the Captain of the most modern starship in the fleet
Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again I said it before, I'll say it again: Raktajino Janeway knows enough
to stay sober
Kirk looks good
with a ripped shirt
Picard looks good
with NO shirt
Sisko takes better care of himself and his uniform Janeway would look... no, they can't do that before the watershed
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck Picard has better things to do with his time Sisko exploits Quark's abilities for his own use Janeway can get anyone to help her
Kirk says "Shoot first
and wait for retaliation"
Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution" And while they argue, the Defiant could destroy them BOTH Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force"
Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" Picard never destroyed
his own ship on purpose
Sisko was willing to go
down with the Saratoga
Episodes before surrendering the ship:
Janeway: 41 Picard: 1
Kirk is not politically correct That's O.K., Kirk's not correct on much else, either There's no time for P.C. in the Gamma Quadrant There's no time for P.C. in the Delta Quadrant, yet Janeway manages to be anyway
Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales Sisko punched out said busybody, which Picard never had the guts to do. And Sisko would have found his own whales Said busybody asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused
If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead Picard can reason
with Klingons
Sisko can outsmart Cardassians Janeway can make an alliance with the Borg
Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts Picard takes responsibility for his actions Sisko doesn't waste his time on pointless away missions Janeway doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way
Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp Major Kira is a freedom fighter, not a musician Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo
Kirk had more dates
than his first officer
Picard is man enough
not to kiss and tell
With a little luck, Sisko could actually sleep with his first officer. If Kirk or Picard tried that, I'd vomit! So could Janeway, as for Sisko and Kira? I don't think so!!
The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "FUCK OFF" Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to Sisko doesn't need another language. Even the Gamma Quadrant races speak English Janeway doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English
Picard has fathered no children.
Kirk - probably millions
Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control Sisko has the one son, and he didn't get butchered by Klingons or genetically altered by Ferengi Janeway is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control. And she never has to worry about meeting a son she never knew she had
Kirk has a cool phaser Picard has cool touch
pads and not some
clickety-click buttons
Sisko has a massive space station AND a super
gunship.  Not some flimsy saucer-and-two-nacelles starship
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles plus her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles
Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork Sisko grew up in New Orleans, which is a lot tougher than France and Iowa put together Who cares where you grow up, what matters is what you can do, and Janeway can do it all
Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit Sisko made a bomb
out of old rocks
Janeway knows batter than to get herself in those types of situations
Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one Sisko can ask cool people like Garak, Dax, Odo
and Quark
Doesn't need her psychiatrist next to her when making critical decisions
Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do Picard already knows what the doctor wants him to do! Sisko's doctor has his own Estrogen Brigade Janeway mutes the doctor when the doctor gets
out of line
Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy Picard's name is respected throughout the universe Sisko's name is known in the Gamma Quadrant Janeway's name is known, respected AND feared throughout the Delta Quadrant
Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything Kirk tries to climb
up any tube he can!
Sisko disabled the station's reactor before a meltdown. Kirk played with the main deflector dish Janeway doesn't get her ships into situations where afterwards they need to be fixed
Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses Picard never hired
an engineer with
a drinking problem
Sisko's engineer's accent
is authentic. And
he drinks coffee
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes
Kirk's bridge is not beige Polyester and Formica
don't come in that colour
The Defiant's bridge doesn't have a stupid railing in the way Voyager just has
a cool bridge
Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it Picard is sensitive enough to realise that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled With a Jem'Hadar invasion coming any day now, who has time for music? Trying to get to a home 70 million light years away, who has time for music?
Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles Cats like Picard.
Kirk only beamed the Tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them
Cute things are often deadly, see "The Abandoned (DS9)" The only cute thing on Voyager is Kes
Kirk specifically
ordered a swivel
LA-Z-BOY for the bridge
Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY Sisko stands at
attention in Ops
Slouches in her chair
even in critical life-threatening moments
Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL Picard never serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function Sisko could cater a diplomatic function Janeway doesn't do diplomatic functions
Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses and nobody dares to call him "four eyes" Picard looks distinguished
in or out of anything
and nobody dares
to call him baldy
Sisko has a goatee
and 20/20 vision
Janeway has more hair than all three combined AND has 20/20 vision
Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon - easily Picard can infiltrate Romulus and Qo'Nos...easily Sisko infiltrated Cardassia Prime...twice! Janeway infiltrated the toughest prisons in the galaxy
Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake Picard can get nude
models easily. Kirk
could maybe use a mirror
Sisko studies the culinary arts Janeway studies what
she should, the universe
When Kirk doesn't trust
the Romulans, he fires
at them. When Picard doesn't trust the
Romulans, he gets fired at
When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some arse Sisko had a Romulan
work for him
The Borg are much worse than the Romulans and Janeway got them to
work for her
Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign Starfleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew DS9 has never contracted
the Psi 2000 virus. But
when Lwaxana made the entire crew horny,
Sisko brushed it off
Voyager's main computer has bio-processing,
far superior to what
the others had
Kirk doesn't test the engines.  He just fires them up This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk,
spent most of its five-year mission either without
warp drive or adrift
DS9 just waits and lets
the action come to it
Voyager's engines can
go 9.7 sustained warp
Three Words:
Flying Leg Kick
Three Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear Does Sisko ever sleep? Janeway looks better
in sleepwear
Kirk travelled through The Great Barrier, met God and wasn't even impressed Neither was God Sisko met Q and
punched him
Picard, a mere 1,000 light-years from home, got down on his knees and begged Q to get the Enterprise out of its mess. Janeway, 40,000 light-years from home, didn't
Kirk would never let
his Chief of Security
wear a ponytail
Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode One word: Odo! Janeway's Security Chief is smarter than their Security Chiefs. And her Security Officer would never drink prune juice
One Word: Balls One Word: Balls Not only does Sisko have balls, but he's black too! Janeway doesn't need them