| Why Kirk is better than Picard |
Why Picard is better than Kirk |
Why Sisko is better than Picard and Kirk |
Why Janeway is better than all three |
| Kirk is a leader, not a follower |
Picard is a lover, not a fighter |
Sisko is a leader AND a fighter |
Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together |
| Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jump-suit" look | Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jump-suit" look | There's nothing kinky about Sisko's jump-suit | Janeway has a better jump-suit than all of them |
| Kirk has sex more than once a season |
Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season | Sisko is still in mourning for his wife, which neither Kirk nor Picard would know anything about | Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it." |
| Kirk never drinks tea | Kirk obviously has a bladder problem |
Sisko drinks Raktajino | Drinks coffee, not that awful Earl Grey |
| Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge | Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge | Sisko hates Picard. And he doesn't care about Kirk | Wesley has yet to save the ship |
| Two words: Shoulder Roll | Two words: Picard Manoeuvre Two more words: Well endowed | Sisko prefers to beat people with the butt of a phaser | Three Words: Very Well Endowed |
| Kirk doesn't wear a dress when admirals arrive for lunch | Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk | Sisko wears the same uniform everyday, regardless of who drops by. | Janeway doesn't have to deal with admirals at all and looks a lot better in a dress than the rest of them |
| Kirk knows 20th Century curses |
Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults | Kirk was just a parrot when it came to profanity, and Picard swears in French. Sisko has O'Brien, and he says "bloody" | Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid" |
| Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology | Kirk *was* low performance technology | Sisko makes do with ALIEN technology |
Janeway makes do without the Federation helping her all the time |
| Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those pesky Yeomans | Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off--even around those pesky Cardassians | Sisko doesn't have any pesky yeomen. And the only time he takes off his pants for a Cardassian is to have them MENDED | Janeway doesn't have any pesky yeomen or any pesky Cardassians |
| Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill | Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call | Sisko uses the holosuites to outsmart the enemy AND fish | Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him |
| Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt | Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut | Sisko's uniform hides his gut AND doesn't ride up | She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands AND she doesn't have a gut, AND her uniform doesn't ride up |
| One Word: Velour | Three words: Stretch velour jodhpurs | One word: Turtleneck | Three words: Form fitting uniform |
| Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess |
Picard's counsellor can beat an android at chess | Sisko can beat a 300-year old Trill at chess | Who has the time for Chess? |
| When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks | Spock should have let him fall | Sisko won't retire before his 65th birthday like Kirk did | Janeway definitely won't retire before her 65th birthday either and she'll look better than all of them when she is |
| When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise | Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it | Sisko may only be a Commander, but his job is incredibly important, more so than the captain of any starship. Plus, he has a warship, not a family-laden starship | Janeway is the Captain of the most modern starship in the fleet |
| Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again | Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again | I said it before, I'll say it again: Raktajino | Janeway knows enough to stay sober |
| Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt |
Picard looks good with NO shirt |
Sisko takes better care of himself and his uniform | Janeway would look... no, they can't do that before the watershed |
| If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck | Picard has better things to do with his time | Sisko exploits Quark's abilities for his own use | Janeway can get anyone to help her |
| Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation" |
Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution" | And while they argue, the Defiant could destroy them BOTH | Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force" |
| Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" | Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose |
Sisko was willing to go down with the Saratoga |
Episodes before surrendering the ship: Janeway: 41 Picard: 1 |
| Kirk is not politically correct | That's O.K., Kirk's not correct on much else, either | There's no time for P.C. in the Gamma Quadrant | There's no time for P.C. in the Delta Quadrant, yet Janeway manages to be anyway |
| Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet | Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales | Sisko punched out said busybody, which Picard never had the guts to do. And Sisko would have found his own whales | Said busybody asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused |
| If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead | Picard can reason with Klingons |
Sisko can outsmart Cardassians | Janeway can make an alliance with the Borg |
| Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts | Picard takes responsibility for his actions | Sisko doesn't waste his time on pointless away missions | Janeway doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way |
| Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone | Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp | Major Kira is a freedom fighter, not a musician | Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo |
| Kirk had more dates than his first officer |
Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell |
With a little luck, Sisko could actually sleep with his first officer. If Kirk or Picard tried that, I'd vomit! | So could Janeway, as for Sisko and Kira? I don't think so!! |
| The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "FUCK OFF" | Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to | Sisko doesn't need another language. Even the Gamma Quadrant races speak English | Janeway doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English |
| Picard has fathered no children. Kirk - probably millions |
Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control | Sisko has the one son, and he didn't get butchered by Klingons or genetically altered by Ferengi | Janeway is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control. And she never has to worry about meeting a son she never knew she had |
| Kirk has a cool phaser | Picard has cool touch pads and not some clickety-click buttons |
Sisko has a massive space station AND a super gunship. Not some flimsy saucer-and-two-nacelles starship |
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles plus her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles |
| Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school | Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork | Sisko grew up in New Orleans, which is a lot tougher than France and Iowa put together | Who cares where you grow up, what matters is what you can do, and Janeway can do it all |
| Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies | We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit | Sisko made a bomb out of old rocks |
Janeway knows batter than to get herself in those types of situations |
| Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only | Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one | Sisko can ask cool people like Garak, Dax, Odo and Quark |
Doesn't need her psychiatrist next to her when making critical decisions |
| Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do | Picard already knows what the doctor wants him to do! | Sisko's doctor has his own Estrogen Brigade | Janeway mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line |
| Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy | Picard's name is respected throughout the universe | Sisko's name is known in the Gamma Quadrant | Janeway's name is known, respected AND feared throughout the Delta Quadrant |
| Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything | Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can! |
Sisko disabled the station's reactor before a meltdown. Kirk played with the main deflector dish | Janeway doesn't get her ships into situations where afterwards they need to be fixed |
| Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses | Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem |
Sisko's engineer's accent is authentic. And he drinks coffee |
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes |
| Kirk's bridge is not beige | Polyester and Formica don't come in that colour |
The Defiant's bridge doesn't have a stupid railing in the way | Voyager just has a cool bridge |
| Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it | Picard is sensitive enough to realise that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled | With a Jem'Hadar invasion coming any day now, who has time for music? | Trying to get to a home 70 million light years away, who has time for music? |
| Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles | Cats like Picard. Kirk only beamed the Tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them |
Cute things are often deadly, see "The Abandoned (DS9)" | The only cute thing on Voyager is Kes |
| Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge |
Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY | Sisko stands at attention in Ops |
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments |
| Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL | Picard never serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function | Sisko could cater a diplomatic function | Janeway doesn't do diplomatic functions |
| Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses and nobody dares to call him "four eyes" | Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything and nobody dares to call him baldy |
Sisko has a goatee and 20/20 vision |
Janeway has more hair than all three combined AND has 20/20 vision |
| Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon - easily | Picard can infiltrate Romulus and Qo'Nos...easily | Sisko infiltrated Cardassia Prime...twice! | Janeway infiltrated the toughest prisons in the galaxy |
| Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake | Picard can get nude models easily. Kirk could maybe use a mirror |
Sisko studies the culinary arts | Janeway studies what she should, the universe |
| When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at |
When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some arse | Sisko had a Romulan work for him |
The Borg are much worse than the Romulans and
Janeway got them to work for her |
| Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign | Starfleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew | DS9 has never contracted the Psi 2000 virus. But when Lwaxana made the entire crew horny, Sisko brushed it off |
Voyager's main computer has bio-processing, far superior to what the others had |
| Kirk doesn't test the engines. He just fires them up | This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift |
DS9 just waits and lets the action come to it |
Voyager's engines can go 9.7 sustained warp |
| Three Words: Flying Leg Kick |
Three Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear | Does Sisko ever sleep? | Janeway looks better in sleepwear |
| Kirk travelled through The Great Barrier, met God and wasn't even impressed | Neither was God | Sisko met Q and punched him |
Picard, a mere 1,000 light-years from home, got down on his knees and begged Q to get the Enterprise out of its mess. Janeway, 40,000 light-years from home, didn't |
| Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail |
Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode | One word: Odo! | Janeway's Security Chief is smarter than their Security Chiefs. And her Security Officer would never drink prune juice |
| One Word: Balls | One Word: Balls | Not only does Sisko have balls, but he's black too! | Janeway doesn't need them |