Remembrances

Justin remembers the first time Chris tried to kiss him. A dinner party at Joey’s place got too crowded, and Justin stepped outside for a cigarette. Chris was behind him, using smooth words and slurring a lot. Justin had to use more force than he expected when he pushed him away.

“Woah, Chris, what’s up?”

“Want you. So bad,” he tired to kiss Justin’s neck.

It was no secret that Justin had a thing for Chris, they joked about it all the time. Justin didn’t know whether he ought to be skeptical or ecstatic.

“Why now?”

“I dunno, you look good. Jace keeps saying we need to hook up.”

For once, Justin was thankful he swore off drinking last year. He had to put a hand on Chris’s chest to keep him back again, and to get his attention. “So who is this for? You? Or JC?”

Chris looked confused for a moment, and Justin decided that if he needed to think about it then now wasn’t the time. Before Chris could snap back to reality with an answer, Justin was gone, his half used cigarette lying still lit at his feet.

Justin remembers the first time they slept together. The way it was this big production, because it turned out that sober Chris was actually a prude. He had insisted they plan a night for it, with candles and sparkling cider. Justin didn’t mind, the anticipation was a bitch, but he knew the waiting was well worth it.

He remembers tiny details; the whole night was slow motion. The way Chris’s shirtsleeve was turned up in one place, and the birthmark just above his left hipbone.

He remembers seeing Chris naked in the dim light, the look on his face, in his eyes, the way his eyelids were half masted…those damn eyes. Eyes that normally shone light milk chocolate brown were turned to stark black; they didn’t reflect what little light was in the room. Chris had no problems with eye contact in bed. Justin was a little put off by it at first, but then he couldn’t look away.

He remembers what it felt like when Chris finally touched him for the first time. Smooth, slender fingers wrapped around him and Justin nearly jumped off the bed. He didn’t though because it was that precise moment that Chris kissed him, deep and slow and deliberate, and Justin really just felt like melting into the bed sheets.

He remembers the way Chris felt. Tight and warm, then hot. How his fingernails scraped his back, and his breath hissed from his mouth when Justin hit that spot deep inside him just. right.

He remembers the beads of sweat running back behind Chris’s ear, the way he tasted on the ridge of his collarbone, the valley along that muscle that runs from neck to shoulder. The way Chris bit his lip when he came, for some reason afraid to cry out or moan. Justin thinks he might have wanted to hear that. Justin remembers the tears he felt on his own face when he came, even though he hadn’t meant to cry.

The way they lay there for hours that night, holding and whispering and kissing and touching. Running their hands over every inch in a non-sexual way, just touching, memorizing and in a sense assuring each other that they were still there.

Justin remembers the way Chris looked from behind this morning as he walked out to his car, weighted down by packed bags and a broken heart. It was the first time Justin had seen that side of Chris before today. He shut the front door before he could let himself see any more.

FIN

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