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Well, you know why I have not updated YOUR page
recently and besides me not being able to type, it
includes laziness, sadness, and me doing a lot of
homework and studying the last few days. 


12/13/04 – Day 13

I do not have much today mainly because I did not do
much today. Today was a very sad and lonely day for
me. I just went to my Math class in the morning, went
home, and stayed in my room for most of the day. With
me staying in my room, it made me think and feel
certain ways and things. I thought about you that made
me miss you so much. I feel incomplete without you. I
also feel loss without you. I feel that I need you so
bad and it hurts that I do not.
	My feelings for you are strong today probably
because I was lonely and doing nothing at home but
thinking of you, so nevertheless they are my feelings.



12/14/04 – Day 14
@1200
As I was waiting to see the doctor today in the
waiting room, I sat in front of a mother taking care
of her daughter. She seem  like a fairly young single
mother taking care of her daughter, going to school,
and working all at the same time. Seeing her reminded
me of how your life is, taking care of your sisters
(not daughter), going to school (or was anyways), and
working. Your life is quite hectic and if you were
that mother and I was the father, I would not let you
do so much. I would take the kids for a day, so you
can relax and do whatever you want or I would take you 
away for a mini vacation or weekend getaway for you to
relax, spend time with me and show that I am
appreciating everything you do. I would just want to
be there for you.


@1530
What a coincidence? Today I was feeling that I want to
help you with making your life easier and the person
you come when you needed anything. When I talked to
you today you mention about having a “dad” to come to
when you have problems (you said car problems). I can 
and want to be your so-called “dad”. I can take care
of your car and much more. As I said before, you have
a hectic life and I want to make it easier anyways I
can and help anyway I can. Ultimately I want to be
your everything.


12/15/04 – Day 15

Today I just felt the same way I have been feeling
towards you. That is me wanting to be there for you
and the one you would turn too. Specially the problems
(if you call it that) with Linh and David, I think I
can help you with it and would want to if I was in a
different position.



12/16/04 – Day 16

I do not have much to say about today or anything at
all. I just feel the same as I been feeling the last
couple of day and starting to feel sad that I cannot
really do anything about it and getting a little hurt
in the end.



12/17/04 – Day Seventeen


@1351
I think I should start toning down my feelings for
you. I do not think it is helping anyone out
especially me, I just see me hurting myself in the end
of each day. Everyday I talk to you I want to progress
things between us, but I do not because I know that I
should not and know it would not work. I know I should
hurt for the things I have done, but I do not think it
should be like this especially when I have the control
to or not. I think it would be better if it were as I
was not able to talk to you for whatever reason and
for me to hurt over that or something. I do not even
know what I want to say right now, I am somewhat lost
and my thoughts are not straight. Maybe the best thing
to do is the hardest thing for me, which is to let you
go on with your life without me in it and interfering.
Right now I feel that I be away from you for a while
and get my thoughts straight. I see myself jumping at
every chance I get to talk to you and to help you out;
I do not see me getting anything in return. Maybe it
is how it should be especially how I treated you and
talking you should be more enough than I deserve, but
I can only take so much and think it is not fair. As I
said earlier, it would be better if I were not able to
talk you and feel hurt that way because I cannot
really do anything about it. You know that I want to
help you anyway I can and specifically with computers,
cars, and parts, but I cannot help and feel used at
the same time but it is not a whole lot. One time in
particular is when we were talking about Linh’s car
and you said all we need from you are parts. That hurt
me a little when you said it. I think I feel this for
the most part is what I said earlier and that is me
not getting anything in return. I think you know how I
would feel, why would you help someone that did not do
anything for you. I know I should not be feeling this
way, but I do and I will get over it.


It seem like you got mad when I did not answer your
text about picking up the part at my shop, but like I
told you, my battery ran out on my phone and did not
get it until like an hour later when I went home to
charge it. At the time, I thought it was too late to
reply, so I was thinking about sending you a text
before I leave to tell you where the brakes are. I
would not leave you hanging and not tell you that I am
not going to give it to you, I do not know why you
would think that. You know how I feel towards you and
you think I would turn my back on you like that or
something and especially not telling you about it too.
I think you should know me better than that in this
situation.


The reason all of this came to my head was that when
you told me he got mad at the song I put on my
profile. I pissed me off too, I felt that it was not
letting me to express what I feel and how I am feeling
and I feel that no one has the right to take that from
me. I took it off out of respect for you and do not
want it to spread and cause unnecessary trouble. 


Sorry if my thoughts are out of order and random it is
because I am writing them down as it pops in my head
and sorry if it does not make sense at first but I
think you can get what I mean, I cannot writing
straight because I am not thinking straight.


I am not sure what I feel right now and not sure on
what I want to do with things. I would need a day or
two to think things over and I will let you know.  I
believe, something I am sorry I lost my train of
thought right there, I went to right something else on
the page and when I came back I forgot what I was
going to write.


Of all the questions, I asked you and you did not
answer, there are two questions I want you to answer.
If I get these answers then I would feel better about
things that are going on and make a decision on what I
should do. The questions are what are your feelings
towards me and why do you continue to keep talking to
me.


That should be it for now because it is getting late
and I need to take a nap before I go snowboarding. I
guess what will happen right now is I will try to tone
down my feelings for you and probably not be updating
this page on a daily basis and will update when
something important comes up or when I know what I am
going to do with things.



12/18/04 – Day Eighteen

	I Would Have Called You To Talk Today, But I
Did Get Home Late From Snowboarding And I Am Sure You
Were Spending Time With Him And Do Not Want To
Interfere With Anything. I Think I Should Not Be
Talking To You So Soon, Maybe Tomorrow, And I Wanted
You To Read This Before We Talk So You Know Where We
Are With This Stuff.
      It Seems Like You Got Mad When I Said Used, But I
Think You Blew It Out Of Proportion A Little. Since
You Feel That Way, Let Me Explain More On It Since I
Had The Day To Think About It More. I Think You Took
It In A Different Way Than I Meant It As. Here Is
Exactly Why I Think I Felt Used, In My Head I Thought
When I Helped You With Anything I Thought It Would
Help My Chances With You, But Obviously It Is Not The
Case. If Our Relationship Was Strictly Friendship And
There Were No Other Feelings That Are More Than
Friends Are, I Would Be Glad And Happy To Help You
With Anything Because That Is What Friends Would Do
For Each Other And I Know I Would Get It In Return.
Our Relationship Is Not Like That Of Course And That
Is Why I Felt Used, So I Thought By Helping You, I
Would Get You In Return And That Is Surely Not Going
To Happen. The Situation Is A Guy Liking You And You
Do Not Like Him, But He Can Do/Get Stuff That You Need
And You Just Use Him For That. I Know You Are Not Like
That, But I Used That As An Example Of What Kind Of
Situation I Am In And Why I Feel The Way I Do. I Am
Sorry If What I Said Pissed You Off And It Is Not Your
Fault That I Am Feeling The Way I Do. I Really Try To
Keep Everything Friendships Like Between Us, But It Is
Hard Because Of The Feelings That I Have For You. I
Hope You Can Understand That.
	It Is Hard For Me To Continue With Things
Without Knowing How You Towards Me. I Feel So Lost Not
Getting Feedback From You. I Do Not Know What I Am
Doing Is Working Or Not (Not Like That, But I Just
Want To Know If It Has Any Effect On You). It Would
Not Matter Much If You Do Or Do Not, I Would Just Like
To Know And Act Accordingly (How And Whatever That
Might Be) And Know What I Am Doing Is Worth It (Not
Exactly In That Sense, But I Hope You Get What I
Mean). I Guess It Is Really Hard To Continue With
Things Not Knowing What The Other Person Feels About
Things, Kind Of Senseless And Just Not Right I Think.


12/20/04

When I posted my last writing, I seen you go online, I
read your profile, and it brought up another point.
You put an away message but I did not get the chance
to read it because Minh was here. I was hurt by
reading your profile, just as he does not like to hear
about me, I do not like to hear about him. It is not
your fault that I feel this way. He is your boyfriend,
and you should be able to talk about him. When you do
talk or write about him and all the good things he
does, I cannot help but feel a little jealous because
I want to be the one doing those things to and for
you. The main point of this and how I have been
feeling the way I do is that I think I am just getting
mad at myself for things the way they are and I cannot
do anything about it. It is too late to do anything
and it is my entire fault with no one to blame. I
think that explains what I was going through and I
hope you can understand that.



12/28/04

Sorry that I didn’t update your page earlier, but my
cast is really bothering the fuck out of me and I have
been quite busy since last week with finals, the Reno
trip, work and other stuff.

As if I couldn’t help, but think of you enough, you
came up during my recent trip to Reno. As I was
playing blackjack the song Last Christmas by Wham came
on. It did not happen once or twice, but three times.
It did not just come on only at night but during the
whole day. It did not also come on when I was playing,
not playing, or the end of me playing; it played
within 5 minutes of me sitting down playing blackjack.
The first time was Friday night around 10pm, the
second time was Saturday afternoon around 4pm, and the
third time was Sunday morning around 11am. So every
time I start to play the song came on and then I
started to think of you throughout my time playing.
I had a fun time there and you should know that if you
read my page.

I do not know how you are feeling about things
especially having not been talking or hearing from me,
but I want you to know that I am always thinking of
you and are always on my mind even though with things
right now it might not seem like it. I also want to
you to know whatever happens or how things turn out
that you will always and forever have a special place
in my heart. I will remember and cherish all the
special moments and memories we shared together and use
it as a reminder of what I could have had.

I do not know if you still read your page anymore, but
if you do, I hope you read it before you leave on your
trip to Lake Tahoe. You probably know I’ll be there
tomorrow for snowboarding, but you are going somewhere
so it no big thing.

I want to wish you a great trip and the best 21st
birthday a girl can have because it seems you
desperately need it and a very well deserved one.

I guess that is it for now and we’ll see what happens
when you get back . . . . . 

If you get the chance try to listen to this song:
Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One
I think it somewhat explains what i am going through at
the moment.



1/5/05

I felt like calling you a couple of days ago just to
see you were doing. the feeling to call was just as a
friend calling a friend that i have not talked to for a
long time to see what's been going on especially
through the holidays and all.

and tonight as i was driving home from a friend's house
for some reason you came to my mind and heart. it just
hit me out of nowhere that it hurts that i lost you as
a friend, it hurts inside that i wanted to break down
and cry but something inside me made me be strong and 
not cry. you are one of the very few, like 2 or 3, of
friends (and possibly including girlfriends and
everyone) that i was really close to, i guess like a
best friend kind of thing. now none of them are in my
life including you which just sucks for me. it's not
easy making "best friends" or at least for me, some
people just doesn't into that type for me, they don't
give the effort, or they don't want to or something,
but for what ever reason it just doesn't happen to me
that easy. i guess i just want someone anytime, day or
night to talk to and listen to what i have to say and
understands me and vis vera, only a couple of people i
can do that with . . . . .

so i was just thinking about that today and/or tonight
and just wanted you to know that if you're still
reading this page.

i do not if i lost you as friend or not, but right now
it does seem that i lost you and that SUCKS ;-(