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11/30/04

First Off, I Have Always Thought About Having A Journal
Or Dairy Entry Thing Just For You And Maybe This Is A
Start Of One. Like During The Times I Did Not Talk To
You Or Not Allowed To Or What Ever The Reason I Still
Wanted To Let You Know Some How What And How I Was
Doing And Wanted To Have Something You Can Read On A
Daily Basis, So Here I Go . . . . . 


Second, I Had A Shitty Time In Class Tonight, But It's
Okay. I Want And Deserve Some Of The Pain You Feel That
I Have Given You.


The Following Are Just Things I Was Thinking In Class
Tonight And Was Writing Them Down So You Can Read Them
I Guess. It Might Not Make Any Sense Or Go In Order, 
But It Me Trying My Best To Read Down What I Was
Thinking And Feeling At The Time. If You Can Try To
Give Me Your Thoughts On It, I Would Like To Know Them
If You Are Willing To Share Them. Without Further Ado
Here Are My Thoughts . . .

1. I Think I May Have Scarred You For Life And You May
Never Get Over What I Did To You.

2. I Wanna Believe You Are Trying To Look For A Good
Enough Answer For You To Forgive Me And To Give Me
Another Chance, But I Do Not Think That Is The Case
I Know You Are At Least Trying To Understand Why.

3. I Do Not Think You Will Find The Answer You Are
Looking For But Find Yourself Asking Endless Question
Of Why. It Will Be HArd To Understand Why Things Happen
The Way It Happened And You Might Have To Leave It As
That It Just Happened.
   For Me, I Did Not Accept Her Reason Why She Cheated
On Me Or The Lack There Of. (She Really Did Not Have A
Reason, But I Think She Did Not Want To Tell Me Because
She Did Not Want To Hurt Me, But I Would Want To Know
Why To Make Sense Of It All And Try To Understand) I
Could Not Get Myself To Understand Why She Did It, But
It Got To A Point That I Should Stop Thinking About It
And Move On (Especially If I Wanted To Be With Her,
Plus I Knew That She Had Learned Her Lesson) All I
Understood Was That She Did What She Did And Cheated On
Me And I Only Understood More When I Cheated On Her
And Practically What I Understood Was That It Just
Happened.
   I Am Not Telling You Just To Forget Or Anything Or
To Just Take In What Happen, But I Do Not Think You
Will Fully Understand Why It Happened, I Do Not Think I
Did. Now That Fits Into You Quote "Things Happen For A
Reason, SOMETIMES It Take A Life Time To Understand
Why" And It Might Take You A Lifetime If Even That To
Understand Why. In The Mean Time You Can Try To Find
That Answer Or Understand Why And Move On When You Find
The Answer Or When You Are Ready Too.

4. I Know Talking To Me About It Is Good And Bad For
You. Good Because You Are Trying To Make Sense Of
Everything And Bad Because It Bring Back The Pain And
Makes You Mad And Sad When You Cannot Find Any Sense
Out Of Any Of It.

5. You Know How You Keep Asking Me And Telling Me, If I
Think You Are Worth The Wait And That I Should Not
Waste My Time Waiting. Well, Maybe Me Waiting And
Hoping Just Proves How Much I Really Want To Make It Up
To You Even If I Might Not Get That Chance, But I Hope
That You See And Prove To You That I Am Trying.



12/01/04
@ 4:43am
I Think You Should Just Leave You Alone, But I Do Not
Think I Can Do That. If You Think It Is Something That
Needs To Be Done Then That Is Something I Will Do.

I Would Want To Keep It Strictly Friendship And
Hopefully From There Some How Some Way You Will Find
A Way For Forgive Me, But That Might Not Even Work,
So It Might Be To Get Rid Of Me All Together. It Just
Really Hurts Me When I See And Feel That You Are In
Pain Especially When It Is Because Of Me, Just Like The
Jagged Edge - Goodbye Lyrics Says 
"And I know that deep down inside
That I really wanna be there by your side
But I can't stand to see you cry
Not when its because of me"
So Just Tell What I Need To Do To Stop That Pain I Have
Given You . . . . .


I Guess You Have Spoken:
"LiLMiSsKhMeR76 (10:44:12 AM): I'm sorry John but I
won't be able to talk to you anymore"
And The Decision You Made Was The One I Was Expecting
And Is The Right One For You, So Today Is DAY ONE


I Will Be Writing On This Page About Things That Deals
With You Whether You Read It Or Not. Writing Everything
Down Lets Me Remember My Feelings As Well As Ease Some
Of The Pain. With That Said, I Wish You The Best Life
And A Happy One With Who Ever That Might Be.


@915am, MATH 61
Today In Math Class, After The Sad Night, A Classmate
That Happens To Be A Mother Brought In Pictures Of Her
Daughter That Is In Elementary School. When I Seen Her
Show The Pictures With A Smile To The Person Sitting
Next To Her, I Thought She Must Have A Happy Life And
When I Think Of You, I Do Not See That Because Of What
I Had Done To You And It Just Kills Me Inside That You
Do Not When You Should Be Very Happy. My Eye Got
Watery When It Happen And I Had To Wipe Them Away.

@12pm, ENVS 10
I Feel So Lifeless, So Dead, I Might As Well Die. Why
Do I Deserve To Live If All I Do Is Cause Pain? I
Guess The Only Way I Will Learn How It Feels Is To Let
Is Eat Me Up From Inside Slowly And Painfully Everyday
As Long As I Live. It Is The 1st Day Of December And
Also Will Be The 1st Day I Will Really Pay For My
Mistakes Consist Of Not Being Able To Communicate To
You When The Opportunity Is There Without Almost No
Restrictions.
I Can Hardly Breathe, My Heart Is Beating Faster And
Faster And It Is Starting To Hurt.

@1830, BUS 71
When I Got To Class, All I Could Think About Is How
You Used To Call Me Before Class When You Are On Your
Way Home From Work. Talking To You Just For Those 10
15 Minutes Makes My Day And I Cannot Help But Be Happy
In Class And Even Smile Quite Often.



12/02/04 - DAY 2

@0430/0530
I Woke Up From A Dream I Had, The Dream Was A Little
Sketchy But It Went A Little Something Like This. You
And I Were Talking In Person And You Said That We
Couldn't Be Friends Anymore. I Got Mad Because I
Couldn't Believe It And Started Yelling "Nooooo!" Then
I Woke Up Then Realize It Wasn't A Dream And That Was
What Actually Happened. That Just Hurt Me Inside ;-(


@1130
I Was At The Dentist Laying Down On The Chair Waiting
To Be Operated On. On The Wall Was A TV Playing A
"Paris By Night" Type Of Video. As I Watched The Video,
There Was A Pretty Looking Girl With A Nice Body And
All Acting In A Play. And I Thought As Pretty As Is,
She Does Not Compare To The Person You Are.


@1330
After Dropping Off My Lil Bro's Car To Get Fix And
Coming Home, I Started Talking To Tram, Minh, And
Rowena. My Conversation With Rowena Got Me A Little
Down Because We Were Talking About How Her Ex-Boyfriend
Has Changed A Lot Since He Realized What He Lost And
Has Been Doing Good In Trying To Get Her Back. I Was
Happy For Her Because They Are Doing Good And Are Happy
With Each Other And Sad Because They Got Each Other And
I Have No One Especially When I Had Chances To Have
Someone Great . . . . . 



@1800
I Had Nothing To Do, So Decided To Go Ride My Bike
Around Since I Haven't Rode It This Week And Decided
To Visit Rowena Since She Was Home Sick. I Knew Her
Ex-Boyfriend Was There (They Are In The "Talking" Stage
In Getting Back Together) And I Knew He Just Passed The
Motorcycle Class, So I Thought I Can Visit Her And Let
Him Ride My Bike, So Everyone Can Be Happy. I Came To
Her House And He Went Off With My Bike As We Watched
Outside. Then We All Chilled Inside Her House For A
While And During That Time I Was Watching How They
Acted Towards Each Other. They Knew A Lot About Each
Other As Well As Each Other's Family. Then I Thought
How I Wanted To Be That Why With You, But I Know That
Will Probably Never Happen.
Wow, What A Long Story For A Little Point Huh?


12/03/04 - DAY 3

@1310
On My Way To Buy Lunch I Started To Think What Kind Of
Girl I Wanted. Only Two Types Came To Mind, The Bad
Girl (The Social Type)Which Likes To Have Nothing But
Fun Fun Fun And More Fun, The Type Of Girl "SHE" Was.
The Second Type Of Girl Is The Good Girl (Somewhat
Boring Type) Which Mostly Stays Home Or Mostly Just
Hangs Out With Close Friends. After Being With "HER" I
Decided To Have A Good Girl And Be Happy Rather Than
Dealing With A Bad Girl That Will Not Change Her Ways
Anytime Soon Or At All. Then I Thought Only If There
Was A Girl That Had A Combination Of Both Then That
Would Be A Perfect Girl Which I Think You Fall
Under . . . . .