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12/03/04

@1923

I Really Believe She Wants To Give Me Another Chance,
But She Is So Scared Of Being Hurt By Me That She Does
Things To Remind Herself Of What I Did To Her (Keeps
Talking About It; Asks Why) So She Gets Hurts And Does
Not Give Me Another Chance And Things To Remind
Herself Of The Good Guy She Has (The Things He Does;
Texts; Things He Says) So She Does Not Hurt Him, But
Cannot Blame Her For That. I Do Not Want Her To Leave
Him For Me, That Would Be Another Burden On Me If That
Happens And Totally Wrong.

Why Does She Even Talk To Me After What I Did To Her,
What Is This "Connection" We Have. I Know It Means
Something, But Maybe I Am Thinking Of The Wrong Thing.
Maybe I Will Never Know What It Means Or As Her Quote
Says "...SOMETIMES It Take A Life Time To Understand
Why", A Life Time.




12/11/04

@1619

My Feelings For Her Are Strong Than Ever Due To The
Fact That She Has Been Communicating With Me A Lot
Recently Including A Time When I Seen Her When She
Came Over For Me To Fix Her Car Or At Least Tried Too.
I Want Her So Bad That I Cannot Help My Thoughts Of
Her In My Head As Well As Imagining How Her Touch
Would Feel Like. Although I Have These Strong Feelings
For Her And Wanting Her, I Also Have Worries. My
Worries Are That If And When I Get A Chance To Prove
Myself To Her, I Will Not Do A Good Job Of Satisfying
Her And Keeping Her Happy. I Believe She Is Too Good
For Me And I Do Not Deserve Her. Nevertheless I Would
Give My All If Given The Chance And Fail So I Know How
It Would Have Been Like Than Not Taking The Chance And
Never Know Because Right Now I Really Want To Know And
Want To Find Out.



03/23/05

@0419

Wow, Had I Pretty Intense Conversation With Her Tonight
She Profess Her Love For Me ThroughOut The Years And I
Did The Same. I Hope It Works Out For Her As She Says
It Will, Professing Her Feelings As A Way To Have
Closure And Move On With Her Life. It Must Be Hard To
Do That And Have The Person You're Saying It To Let
You Know They Feel The Same Way Right Back. How Can You
Just Let That Go And Move On? It'll Be Very Hard I Bet.
I Must Admit That It Was A Very Nice Closure When
Closure Usually Mean Things Coming To An End (Usually
Good Things). What I Got Out Of It Was That I Was Never
In This Battle Alone.
(She Was Just On The Sideline Afraid To Come Out Until
She Knew Everything Was Going To Be Okay Or Risk Being
Hurt Again. She Ended Up Coming Out Telling Me She
Could No Longer Fight This Battle, But Had A Battle Of
Her Own, But Not Before Telling Me She Was In The
Battle With Me The Whole Time.)
The Conversation Just Rekindled My Long Lasting LOVE
For Her And To Be With Her. I Didn't Take Her "Good
Bye" As A Good Bye, But As A See You Later Gesture.
So I Will See You Later Down The Road.....

@1004
You Can’t Deny The Undeniable. You Can't Control How
You Feel. What's There Is There.....



8/22/05 @ 2203

So I Talked n Seen Her Today And We Had A Great Time, 
I Know I Did At Least, I Bet She Did Too. We Spent 
Practically The Whole Day Texting, Talking, Seeing,
n Some Eating With Each Other, From 6 In The Morning 
Til 6 At Night And Spent A Good 6 Hours In Person.

I Wanted To Tell n Let Her Know Something But I 
Did Not Know How She Would React To It Would Do
If I Told Her. I Kinda Wanted To Keep It To Myself
But At The Same Time Want Her To Know Without
Actually Telling Her. Now What Better Way To 
Do That By Typing It Here Where She Might Read
And If So Who Knows When, At Least I Kind Of Got
It Off My Chest And Written How I Am Feeling.

So Here We Go, I Wanted To Tell Her That I'm
Sorry For Being An Asshole And Screwing Her Over
And If I Can Change The Past I Would Whether She
Believes Me Or Not. I Do Regret It Everyday, I 
Regret I Did Not Have Bigger Balls To Go Through
With It And Go After Who I Really Wanted (Even
Though She Will Never Believe Me). Because I 
Did Not Have Bigger Balls Then, I Now Regret It
Even More Today Because I Know I Missed Out On
A Lot Of Happiness Which I Had A Glimpse Of Today
But Instead I Am Stuck With Sadness Wanting The Happiness

I Know I Would Have Been So Happy Being With Her
If I Actually Went Through With It, So I Regret
All The Happiness I Could Have Had.....



9/29/05 @ 0955

What Went Wrong??? Even Though I Just Got A Glimpse Of
How It Could Have Been, I Was Very Happy. Even Though
The Glimpse Was Sometimes Blurred And Tainted, I Was
Still Happy And Even More Happy When It Wasn't. I Could
Not Imagine Could How Happy Or Great It Would Be If We
Got Passed That And Things Were How They Are Supposed 
To Be. How Much More Pain And Suffering Do I Have To 
Endure In Order To Be Happy And Get What I Want. I
Thought I Was Done Suffering Physical, Mentally, And 
Emotionally, But I Guess Not. It Hurts SO Bad, Why
Doesn't It Stop, Why Does It Happen To Me ;-(



9/30/05 @ 1518

I Guess I Really Thought She Was Mine, Why Else Would
It Hurt SO Bad? She Practically Did It To Me Three
Times, But The First Two Times It Did Not Hurt As Much.
I Got Over It Pretty Quick, Moved On, And Was Quick To
Just Be With Her. The LAST Time It Happened, It Really
Got To Me And Hurt Me Pretty Bad. It Hurt Like The
Other Times I Have Been Cheated On, It Doesn't Matter
How Short Or Long I Have Been With The Person. The Pain
Feels The Same. That Is Right, How Short Or Long I Was
WITH The Person. I Know We Had Something Going On,
Whether If Anyone Believes It Or Not. Otherwise I
Would Not Have Felt It.....

Even Though She Did Bad Things In The Past (Not
Counting Recently) She Was Perfect In My Eyes. At Least
Perfect For Me. 

Is Calling Her Perfect Wrong, Too Much, Or An
Overstatement? I Don't Think So. In My Eyes She Was
Perfect. She Was Perfect For Me, Of Other Girls I've
Met, I Would Rate Her 10/10. Does That Mean She's
Perfect Forever And Will Get The Rating Forever? No.
She's The Best I've Known And Is The Standard I Go By
Until Someone Come Along And Proves To Me Otherwise. So
For Now She's Up There.

The Words By Marcos Hernandez, If You
Were Mine Could Not Be Any Truer In My Case. She Is
Everything I Dreamed About, She Is Everything I Talked
About, She Is The Only Thing That I Would Ever Need,
And I Would Tell Everyone That She Is The Only One That
I Could Ever Want..... 

I'm Just A Simple Guy With Simple Needs. All I Need Is
Love, Support, And Companionship. I Know She Would
Fulfill Those Needs At The Very Least All The Time. She
Has Lots More To Offer And All Of Those Things Would
Have Been Pluses.....



9/30/05 @1910

This Might Stupid Of Me To Say, Think, Or Do But I
Realize It Might Be Doing It. As Much As It Hurts For
Me To Talk/Text/IM Her (Sometimes It Does, Sometimes It
Doesn't) I Still Do, But As Soon It Ends I Just Can't
Wait Til The Next Time It Happens. Sometimes I Just
Hope/Want One Night She Will Come Knock On My Window. I
Realized That Last Night When She Text And Called Me To
Tell Me About Her Night. After The First Couple Of
Times I Kinda Expected Her To Come Over For Some Reason
But I Wanted Her To Come Over As Well And For What
Reason I'm Not Really Sure. If She Didn't Come Over I
At Least Expected A Text, But Come Morning Neither
Things Happened. I Guess My Hopes Were To High And Set
Myself Up For Disappointment Which I Shouldn't Have In
The First Place, But I Blame It On My Positive
Thinking. All I Know Is That If She Came Over I Would
Probably Be In Tears Of Happiness And Sadness. I
Probably Would Have Broke As Easily As She Would Have.
Is That A Good Thing? I Don't Know, It Would Probably
Depend How We Each Took It As. If It Happen Later Than
Sooner, I Would Take It As A Good Thing B/C Right Now
It's Too Soon To Tell What It Means, But Later On It
Would Tell A Different Story If It Happened.....



10/2/05 @ 1921

I Supposed To Be Expecting A Letter From Her And Not A
Good Letter Either From What She Says. The Letter Is
Supposed To Be So Bad That I Probably Do Not Want To
Be Her Friend Anymore, Which I Am Not Sure If We Are
Even That. I Am Loss Of What We Are To Each To Other.
With That Letter In Mind, It Got Me Questioning Why
She Is Still Communicating With Me Via Text, IM, And
Calls. I Do Not Mind All The Much That She Does
Communicate With Me, But It Got Me Thinking What She
Can Decide That Is So Bad That I Do Not Want To Be Her
Friend Anymore That She Did Not Do Already. There
Maybe One Or Two Things And If Those Do Happen, I
Would Not Be Shocked Or Surprised. Right Now, I Know I
Cannot Be Her Friend And She Knows Why And If She
Continues Doing That Then I Guess I Cannot Be Her
Friend Anymore, But As For How Long, I Do Not Know. At
This Time, I Would Not Be Able To Because Pain Is
Still Fresh And Will Not Heal If I Was Her Friend. 

So Why Is She Still “Friends” With Me If I Am Not
Supposed To Be Later On? Is She Not Ready To Give It
Up Yet? Is She Afraid? If She Is Not Ready Then I
Would Kind Of Understand That, But It Will Eventually
Happen. If She Is Afraid, What Is She Afraid Of? Is
She Afraid That She Has To Do Something She Thinks Is
Right, What If It Is Not Right. Is It Too Hard To Do?
Then Why Do It At All? She Is Not Being Forced By
Anyone.
Oh, Man I Think My Thinking/Writing Was Caught Up In
Emotions In The Last Part There. I Am Going To Stop
Here; I Do No Know What Else To Say.



10/05/05 @2024

Feelings From Monday, October 3, 2005

As I Was Driving To School In The Evening, I Felt
Tired, So I Thought What I Did To Make Myself Feel
Tired. I Did Not Come Up With Anything. What I Came Up
With Was Reasons I Should Not Be Tired. I Have Been
Getting Adequate Sleep, Seven To Eight Hours A Day.
And Just Weeks Prior I Have Been Functioning With Even
Less Sleep, I Say An Average Of Four To Five Hours Of
Sleep A Day For Two To Three Weeks Straight. Recently
School And Work Has Me Beat. I Used To Handle More
Than Just School And Work. Going Out, Eating Out,
Staying Out Late, And Minimal Sleep Was All Included
With School And Work. With All Those Things Done
Practically On A Daily Basis I Was Not All That Tired
As I Feel Today. My Conclusion To Why I Am Tired
Recently Is Because It Feels Like That Life Has Been
Sucked Out Of Me. Before It Seems Like I Had Something
To Live For, But Seems Like That Something Is Gone.....


As Much As I Eat, Which Is Not Much As I Used To, But
It Is To The Point That I Should Be Full. Recently
Every Time I Eat All I Can And Should Be Full, When I
Am Done Eating, I Do Not Feel Full But Have An Empty
Feeling In My Stomach Like Something Is Missing.....



10/05/05 @ 2053

Today I Missed Her A Whole Lot, More Than Usual. While
Sitting In Accounting Class I Felt A Little Pain In My
Knee, So I Was Thinking Of What Exercises To
Strengthen It, What Exercises The Physical Therapist
Gave Me Last Or If I Should Go See The Therapist
And/Or Doctor Again To See If I Can Snowboard.
Suddenly My Mind Jumps To My Last Therapy Visit With
Her Being There With Me. Her Being There With Me Meant
So Much To Me; It Was A Very Caring Thing For Her To
Do With Me. Because Of That, I Missed Her So Much. It
Was Something I Needed And Wanted From A Person And
More Specifically A Girlfriend. I Just Want That
Person To Be Her. I Missed Her So Bad That I Wanted To
Tell Her Some How, Text/IM/Call, And I Came Very Close
To Doing So, But My Fear Got In The Way. My Fear Of
Being Hurt More. I Was Already Hurt As It Is Because
Of The Situation And I Could Not Stand Telling Her And
Get Rejection In Some Way.


I Am So Lost Of What To Do With Her. Today I Really
Missed Her And Just Wanted Her And To Be With Her. She
Would Just Be Whom I Wanted. Normally I Would Say It
Is Too Soon To Tell And Would Require Weeks Or Months
To Know My True Feelings. I Do Not Think This Is A
Normal Case. She Is Someone I Have Been Wanting For
Several Years Now. The Question Is Will This Actually
Stop Me From Truly Wanting Her. I Would Not Believe It
Will, But I Really Do Not Know At This Moment, I Will
Have To Leave It Up To Time. Not Only Do I Have To
Leave It Up To Time To Decide, But Another Deciding
Factor Is If She Feels The Same Way I Feel For Her And
Is Something I Have No Real Control Over.....



Added 10/05/05 @ 2143 (Addition To The Entry About Missing Her)

I Do Not Think I Missed Her B/C Of What Day It Is B/C
I Thought The 5th Was Yesterday. It Was Just That
Thought Of Her Being There With Me At The Therapy Visit
That Really Got To Me And Was Stuck In My Mind For Most
Of The Day.



10/15/05 @2031

I Always Questioned Her Loneness And Wanted To Talk To
Her About It. I Was Waiting For The Perfect Time But
There Was No Such Thing And Should Have Talked About
With Her As Soon As I Thought About It. Now I Have
Learned The Hard And Painful Way.....




11/08/05 @ 1237

So I Didn't Get Much Sleep Last Night. Woke Up Every 
Hour Starting @ 1am All The Way To About 9am When I 
Finally Got Up.

I Feel My Heart Is Broken Into A Billion Pieces And I
Can't Put It Back Together, I Don't Have The Strength
To Anymore. Will My Heart Ever Be Whole Again ;-(

As Much As It Hurts, Why Did It Have To Happen?
I Would Think She Knows How Much Pain And Misery This
Causes And She Would NOT Do It To Any One Else, But I
Was Wrong. Maybe I Just Deserve It.

So What If This Makes It Even, Does It Make It Any
Better?



11/19/05 @ 0906
Isn't It Great To Start Off The Morning Crying? If So,
That's What I Did This Morning. That Last Time I Really
Cried Was Probably About A Year Ago Over The Whole Mimi
Situation If I Even Cried At All, I Probably Should
Have And Probably Did A Little, I'm Not Exactly Sure.
In That Case It Was My Fault I Guess And This Time
Probably Is Too Since Lately I've Been Pissing Her Off.
Everytime She Gets Mad I Feel Like I Can't Talk To Her
And That I'm Never Good Enough For Her Because She
Seems To Always Get Mad At Me For Something. Most Of
The Time I'm Not Exactly Sure What I Did Wrong Or At
Least Know Why She Is Getting Mad At Those Things. But
Either Way I Try To Make Her Feel Better Regardless Of
Whos Fault It Is And That Is Probably A Flaw On My Part
This Morning I Couldn't Take It Anymore, I Couldn't
Take Being Hurt Like This Anymore, I Couldn't Take
Feeling Like I'm Never Good Enough Anymore, I Had To
Let It Out And Cry. I Feel Like I'm The Only One In
That Relationship Or Trying To Make It Work And She
Does Whatever She Wants. So She Got Mad At Me Then I
Got Hurt And Mad At Her Then She Comes Back And Blames
It All On Me When All I Did Was Try To Talk To Her
About Things.

As I Was Writing This Entry I Realize I Don't Cry All
That Much Given That Last Time I Cried Was Over A Year
Ago. So When I Do Cry It Has To Be Something Or Someone
I Really Care About In Order To Get To Me And Cry,
Whether It Be In A Happy Or Sad Cry. It Does Mean She
Is Someone I Really Care About And I Must Say It Was
Pretty Quick. That Is Not The Point Though, Even Though
I Really Care About Her, It Was A Sad Cry This Morning.
The Point And Question Is That If It's Worth The Tears?
And Should I Think About Pulling Out?



12/18/05 @ 0045

Why Is She So Hard On Me? What Did I Do Wrong? Can’t
She See I Am Doing My Best? Nevertheless, I Guess I
Was Right All Along; My Best Is Not Good Enough For
Her. At Least Not Right Now, Not When She Does Not
Believe “Love” And All The Things Related To It, Not
When She Is Not Over Him, And Not When The Best
Relationship She Had Is Still On Her Mind. Will I Ever
Be Good Enough For Her? I Do Not Know, Only Time Can
Tell And When That Time Comes, I Will Give It My Best
Again Because I Would Want To Try Knowing Than Not Try
And Not Know At All. . . . . 

I Like And Care For Her A Lot But Right Now I Might
Have Do The Best Thing Which Is The Hardest Thing, I
Have To Let Her . . . . . Things Are Too Complicated,
We Just Can't Let Go Of Things And Just Love Each Other



2/11/06 @ 0022
I Am Truly Lost On What Is Happening And What Is Going
To Happen Between Us And That Really Scares Me. The
Question That Is Too Early To Answer Is That Do I Want
Her Back Because I Am Hurting And Want It To Stop Or
Do I Want Her Back Because I Truly Love Her And Want
To Be With Her Always. I Think It Is That I Truly Love
Her; I Do No Think I Have Done So Much For Her Love
Than I Did For Anyone Else, Even Though We Are
Supposedly Friends, I Want So Much More With Her, And
I Have Feelings For Her That Will Not Go Away. I Guess
Only Time Can Really Tell For Sure, But As Of Right
Now This Is How I Really Feel And I Want A Chance To
Prove Myself Right. I Know It Will Work This Time If I
Am Given Another Chance Because I Have Been Knocked
Off My Pedestal With Eyes Wide Open And On The
Realization Of Losing Everything, I Had With Her.
Everything That I Gain From Her At This Moment On Will
Only Be Appreciated, Cherished, And Put Towards Loving
Her More.

I Do Not Know What Her Plans For Me Are If There Are
Any. I Know She Still Has Feelings For Me And She Is
Probably Scared To Do Anything With Them And Has To Be
Strong In The Meanwhile. Maybe She Has Already Made Up
Her Mind About Me And She Cannot Bare The Pain Of
Giving It One More Try. I Hope That Is Not The Case
Because I Have Learned The Lesson The Hard Way This
Time And Will Give An Honest Effort.



2/14/06 @ 0149
How Do I Feel Right Now? I Feel As If Nothing In The
World Matters Except Her. I Will Do Anything For Her;
Drop Anything And Everything The Second I Hear From
Her To Do Anything She Needs. All That Matters Is Her
And Her Happiness. I Know Her Happiness Is With Me, I
Have To Just Show Her And Let Her Know That It Is.

How Do I Know It Will Work Out? I Have Changed For The 
Better. One Of Those Lives Changing Change. The Life
Change From A Major Situation When Something Is
Realized And Something Has To Be Done To Make It Work.
The Change That Makes You Change For The Better And
Wanting Things To Be Better. The Change From A Hard
Lesson Learned That You Can Guarantee It Will Be
Different, It Will Be Better, And It Will Not You Stop
Until It Is. The Change When All You Want Is
Happiness, To Do Anything To Get It And Everything
Keep It. 






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