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In Remembrance Of You

This Ribbon Is Dedicated To My Mom Who Lost Her Battle To Cancer On Nov. 4th, 2000.
It Is Also Dedicated To Others Who Have To Fight The Right To Live EVERYDAY From This Disease.

Rest In Peace Mom

My Dearest Mother:

I am typing this in hopes that it will help me come to terms with you actually being away from me. I know you are not far, I can just talk and you will hear me, but I needed to do this. I have so much I want to say to you, so much that I wanted to say when we knew you were dying. Somehow, I couldn't get the words to come out anytime I tried to say something. Anyways, you laughed and made jokes about everything, and that included even dying, how we were to mourn you, and how we could not 'flush you' so we could fight over the gold urn! LOL I have to smile at the courage and fight you had Mom. You were simply awesome and stronger then any of us could even think about being. Your sense of humor was beyond what anyone of us knew existed in humans, right up to the end you kept it up.

Remember the morphine heist at the pharmacy that was on the news, and I looked at you and said, "Mom where were you (on such and such night???) Here you couldn't even get out of bed! We laughed so hard at that one. I think everyone thought our family was sick for our sense of humor. Even during the service, people reminisced about your sense of humor and things that had happened with you and them. Oh well Mom, screw the ones who thought we were 'sick', you taught all 4 of us kids to be proud of who and what we were and to NOT go with the always stand up for what WE believed in. I can honestly say, all 4 of us have and will!

I miss your laugh, I miss your smile. I miss hearing you cheer on your favorite teams, the Oakland A's and the San Jose Sharks. I miss hearing Patsy Cline coming from your room, and I miss your perfume wafting through the house. I miss you making jokes about dad 'laying on the ground plucking weeds' and his 'jungle' (his garden). Mom you had the best sense of humor anyone would want to possess or even want to be around.

It's been hard without you, and the tears still flow at the simple reminders that Jeopardy or Walker Texas Ranger is on, I know how much you enjoyed watching those two T.V. shows. I do not mean to cry, but when I hear dad tell stories, even through his laughter, I can still hear the sadness in his voice that you are really gone.

The house is quieter now and seems like a ghost house in sorts when I come to visit. I mean, come on mom, Dad and my two brothers living in the house just isn't the same as having you there making sure things get done. Now, I am really out numbered when I am there!

I miss hearing your footsteps coming down the hall, and the smell of coffee brewing. I also miss all the chocolate you kept hidden too! I have only been 'home' one time since we had your service, it is hard to get the 'want' to go back now that you are not there to share with me.

I will always remember all our fun times growing up and our childhoods Like the time when we were all kids you had us convinced you could 'blow the light green' while we were driving in that big blue station wagon. I never figured out you just sped up or slowed down to make it 'look like' you were Magick! How about the time when we got caught in the snow storm while shopping in town. I looked up on the hill and said, "Mom, forget going out to lunch, we need to go now, a bad snow storm is coming..." You calmly drove up the mountain, snow blasting us, we barely made it to my house, and all of this with me panicking yet again while you were listening to Elvis and Patsy Cline going up the mountain in near 0 vizability! LOL How about the time mom, when we were looking at houses to buy and we got lost. Once again, I was struck with terror (what a wimp I was!) that we were going to even get more lost and you looked at me and said, "Oh, we are fine, we have our water, chocolate, and our cigarettes...what more do we need!?" LOL

Christmas and Easter will never be the same without you and your Christmas spirit. No matter how blue someone was, when you walked in, everyone reverted to smiles and laughs...that was the person you were and still are. Wherever you are now, the Gods and Goddesses are lucky to have you in the Spirit World.

Your grandkids are growing and J.W. is getting ready to graduate high school! How he wishes that his favorite grandma was there to share his special moment. Colt is growing and I think he will be tall like his dad. He has your picture hung right by his bed...can you hear him talk to you at night? Steven is getting really big and doing real well also. He misses you so much. His Christmas's were special, and he will never forget the most special one that you made sure he had when we were blessed with him joining our family. You went all out to make sure his first REAL Christmas was a special one. Holidays are not the same without you anymore. I even call pop on Mother's day cause I am lost without you.

As you know, I am guessing here, I made it through my cancer stuff. I sometimes get REALLY angry that I did make it through, and yet, you didn't. I get mad that there is no cure, or if they are getting close to finding one, it is coming to late for you. I can't help but feel the pain knowing what you went through and we were unable to help you, other then to make you comfortable in those last few months. I am happy that I was there to help and I got to share your 'special bird' with you, and the fact I got to talk to you and tell you everything I could possibly get out. I must have told you 10,000 times how much I loved you, and how much I was going to miss you.

Do you like the background mom? I picked it out just for you. The bird had come and released you and took you to your final resting place. The feathers here, I would like to imagine, are the ones that 'your bird' carried you softly on, when you left this realm to join into the Spirit World. The veil was thin at that time right after Samhain, and the passing through the two worlds would have been a simple journey. I take comfort in knowing this. I know your journey was safe and you now have peace wherever you are. I know the pain is gone now, but mine lives on...for, I lost part of me when you left, and I feel lonely without you.

I love you mom and I miss you...

Your Ever Loving Daughter

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By: Silver ShadowWolf