FUCK!!!! 5 More weeks til school!!!!
Yeah I still use html
Alrighty
I'm back cuz I have been visiting sites that are never updated and yeah, it kinda reminds me.... *Sheepish look*. Has Anything changed you ask... well a few things. I realised while washing my car that I am happy alone. I don't need to flip out about what who is thinknig and how and why and what I can do to fix it. I am tired of being disapointed and feeling bad about it. I also hate feeling bad about myself. I'm taknig advice from my friend "You know, I'm just not gonna settle to prove to any onethat I can get one. I can get a Man any time but I don't want to settle for anything. Nothing is good enough for me."
Hey if it works for her it works for me. I think now I know. I have never really felt this good as I do now. I feel liek I am in the right spot I feel that I have been in the right place, and yeah I have made mistakes, but as long as no one brings them up, I'm good.
I am also ready for some friends who want to go out and do stuff. I mean just to go out to rheem and sit and talk or drive somewhere cuz as I sit here in my corner I see the kids speeding past with load music and shoutnig to each other and I whimper cuz I want to be out with them.
Damn Freshmen.
Ok, So I've been donig some thinking, I better start driving better, I mean I was driving past the scene of an accident and i was like, "Wow. That could be me." and every now and then I get reminded of how crappy a driver I am, but it's so much fun. But I have come to the conclusion: If I was given a choice between a date and sex with a really hot guy in a hot car but he drove me and just me driving in a hot car I would take the car. Honestly I find driving better than Sex. Driving is one thing that you have complete control over, you can go anywhere Driving gives you freedom and choices you don't usually have.
Back to freshmen, abotu this time of year the Freshmen get really assy, and obnoxious. Their blatant disrespect annoys the hell outta me and I want to smack them upside the head. God, don't you dare mess with me! I can kick your ass any day of the week you little midgit. I'm jsut kinda sick of their anticts and everything about them and how they try and get away with everything.
Next subject. Music. I need to find a dance. where is the nearest one? Ineed to go dancing, Those concerts at Laf. Community center aren't the best for dancing. I heard there was some rave aroudn here but I never found out exactly where. Which pisses me off cuz I need to go to one really bad.
Last thing. WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO TO MARIE'S????
Well, my dear I frankly don't give a damn.
How do you fight with nothing? I mean if there is nothing there to start with how do you fight it? How do you win? I mean I wish i could jsut tell ppl to stop donig something but it never works all that happens is nothing and I end up with nothing. I jsut wish that for once life would work out for me, and that I can be happy, I mgiht even pray for my self-satisfacion, that I am truly happy with what I was given, and I am. I don't want wandering lust, I feel for him I would give up anything, any guy, any girl, any job, any wish.If I coudl be with him it would be the most perfect thing. and i would be truly happy, but alas how far he is from me! both mentally and physically. He seems an ocean across emotions. A person whom I can never touch. any time i try I am pushed away and I never get close enough to open. but now I have foudn a harbor. a place where I can lay my head and rest, a place where I can look at him and find peace and know that he wants me so much. I have found him.
Boys are the most confusing thing, I mean i get Trig better!
So yeah, I have bee nthinking about guys. The more I think the more I want, I figured it out I think. I want a sexual relationship that is not going to fall flat in a few weeks. I really want one so I can A- have sexual fun, B- have sex. Well see ppl are like those are soem strong words for a 16 y/o not pretty chick. But see it's not al lthat I want,
it's that I feel that saving yourself is meaningless. Why wait for soemthing that feels good, if your responsible enough to taek your asses dow nto planned parenthood and get condoms and on birth conrtol you should have fun having sex! I mean its natural. Every one does it at one point or another, so you might as well have as much of it as you want.
Well anyway back to me and guys, I am really wanting the really cute guy and I thin khe is way outta my league. So I am kinda nervous, and I am rathered worried cuz Idon't want to fail. God knows I have failed so many times before, with every one.
Gar, do you know how hard it is to fidn a guy who's actually interested in you? VERY!!! I mean I find a guy, however he lives 20 miles from me and I don't have my liscence yet so that doesn't work. I find another guy, however he's liek my best friend- so nothing can really happen. Next guy, oh he's not even in the same book as me on the whole flirting thing, he thinks we are just friends. How ever I am REALLY attracted to him, both physically and mentally, but he doesn't get it. LAST GUY! I find it in an old friend, he touches me softly and breaths into my neck, kisses me gently, and then we try and figure things out, he's hung up on his ex so I say lets be fsck buddies, and we are. It's great, I want him physically he wants me just physically, and thats what I want, but now I fear I am gonna loose this great thing, being able to flirt with him, touch him, kiss him, run my hands over his body, have him touch me lightly on the back, hold me tight, to his hung-up heart.
Now I have no one, I get no love, it all falls to pieces when ever I get comfortable or happy, anything that I want I loose, anything that I plan goes off track, anything that happens happens wrong. All I want is for some guy to walk up to me and place his arm around my waist, tell me I am beautiful lean down and kiss me, and I want no one else to interfere with us. No girls no guys. just us and thats all that matters.
What I want is something short of a miracle, I could really care less at this point what he looked like, just as long as he could mentally stimulate me and hold me tight.
Right now, Jimmy Eat World "Sweetness" describes me. Pick it up it's good, cuz I feel that it describes me. I feel like I'm on the brink of something that could be so great, something that would place me into pure extasy and mix fantasy with reality,something that will send goosebumps up my spine, just to hold him with his belly runnig along the curve of my frame, and my hands resting on the curve of his lower back. Looking up at him knowing what he wants and him knowing what I want. I want to be able to feel how his spine shapes his stance and how his shoulders flex as they wrap around me.
Damn I am desperate.
I need some serious booty!!! Who wants to make-out with me??? I want to get drunk and sit on some guys lap and just have pure fun.
part 2