Harum.
I am really confused. I mean life sucks yeah, It never rains, it pours. I mean when ever I get what I want I have 3 other possibilities. And you know I always end up screwed with out anything. At least I got some, a very small amount but I got some. Just a little taste to let me know that I wouldn't get any more. To make me crave it and die of thirst, wanting it so badly, to feel it, taste it let it run down my body, but it teases me for all the wrong Ihave done in my life. Slowly I counts every sin and wrongdoing I have done, each time it leads me a bit further and pulls the reins back jerking my mouth away letting me look but not touch. Leaving me yearning and straining wanting desperately to have it but never getting it, liek a hampster in a cage seeing freedom through the bars and to be able to feel it but never get there. That is how I feel. I feel so trapped and like I want to scream out and beg mercy on my life so I can have one drop of freedom. However all the windows will close and I will be left in the middle spining around crying out for some one to let me in! Pounding on the windows and the blinds oll down and I'll have to sit in the middle and cry curled up in the fetal position. That's what Ifeel like doing, just curling up in a ball and fading away, I am so stressed I get nothing but stress, and Iblame it on guys. You do nothing but give me grief! Even when I think I'm happy there is some big FAT problem, such as, YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND or I'M YOUR FUCK-BUDDY! or maybe YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH HOW I LOOK!!!! I mean no matter how many tiems Itell myself I am pretty I always se myself throguh some one elses eyes and know that I look nothing like what you want me to look like! Anything that Ido is never enough, I'll always be second, or third or fourth. I'm never at the top of the list. And I never get what I want or need. I'm always the fucking friend!!!!
Waht Ineed is some guy who will treat me right and adknowlage me in public as their gf or love interest. But I have never met a guy like that, well once, but he made me feel like a poser and acted like he was god, so I slowly stopped talking with him. So damn, I want any guy, I am more than likely gonna end up with none. So Yeah I am in a great mood.
IM me, I'm bored


Dunno.
I am the only one still fuckin' around with HTML hell and angelfire. hoe well. I don't care, it's a good way for me to vent.
Speaking of venting, time for my daily rant. Ah, well right now I am in a self induced calm. It's not what would be if I were not extreamly self controlled. I am not in control. I'm jsut too tired to do anything. Also it's like why flip out before anything's happened. All I have to worry about is being me, and rolling with whatever. I mean I am just one of those ppl who turn out ok. There have been worse things, I know I feel bad but it's like, damn, I wish something would go right for once. Nothing ever works out well for me, it's always some shakey begining, and then slowly steadies out, but I am so embarrassed. Damn, I feel so bad about it. I mea nit's not total devistation. But I knew something couldn't be so good, I mean something had to go wrong. AHAHAHAAAAA!!!! and it just happened in the most important way!!!! Bah hahaha! I feel like Drew Carey, anything good comes along, something goes wrong and your so close, but in the end it's your fault. Oh well now I am blowing it out of proportion. Hm, it's not too bad (says the person with their wrist where their elbow should be).

WooWoo.
Go Me! Oh yeah... Raise the roof. Hm, Not much is happening, I'm here just to do some editing cuz I said some things I didn't mean. However all is cool, I'm still alive. Yeah, I'm good. Have you ever noticed how close good is to God? Coinsidence? Or Not? Yeah well, doesn't matter.
Do you realise how much it sucks to be me? first of all um, crap. I can't remember. But guys suck. Boys are the devil. Seriously they are. Ican never meet a nice guy and when I do I end up his friend. I never get any futher. Always the fucking friend!!! And once you'v been friends it's virtually imposible to go any futher cuz the guy "doesn't want to ruin the friendship". BEing passed off as a "friend" feels like a way to say "Your ugly and I find you interesting but I want a trophy girl on my arm." I never get any FUCKING FARTHER!!!! If love was justice um, damn, I'd have guys lining up around the block. I also had a guy IM me ask for my pic and when I did give it to him he never IMed me again... does that seem a bit like he was scared of my ugliness? Yes. That boosted my fucknig self confidence. Now I feel like going out and changing the fucking world.
Damn it! Any time I feel good about myself and that something good might happen, it never does. I have no crutch. I am gonna go curl up in a ball in the corner and softly cry. Pardon me.
What ever happened to the days when a girl who had the figure 8 shape with a round ass and big tits was the thing? Look at Marlyn Monroe.... she was definately not 115 lbs and 5'10"!!!! I have curvey hips and big tits, and no guy wants me, they all go for the typical 5' 8" 120lbs no curves abercombie model...
I would be the perfect gf! I am a chick you can talk to cars about, and I'll actually say something about it back! I don't want flowers, expensive dates, suits and ties, none of that shit. I want a guy who at most will freak dance. That is the extent of my girlie needs. I am not the type of girl who thinks of cute dance themes, I am not the type of girl that wants a necklace for V-day, I want you to be there and hold me. That is all I want, I want a guy who will put his arms around me and tell me he wants me. No flowers and chocolate (although it's quite good) just you. I want nothing else, all that other shit is material. All I want is a guy. Hey if I'm lucky I'll get one that loves to dance or sit in a car and talk. That is all I want. Nothing more.
Is that too much to ask?
Facing the truth... probly yes.
Why can't there be some guy out there who reads this and goes... "Yes! I can do that! I will start talking with Liz, and tell her how I feel and Liz will smile and go, 'thats great when do you want to get together?' and we will be the perfect couple."
This will never happen, cuz all the guys I know don't want me, are chicken shit, don't feel that way, or most commonly don't appreciate a girl who acts like that. What guy could resist a girl who will be your friend and lover and a never ask too much? Who doesn't want champange but some heinikin beer, or doesn't want to talk about the latest teeny-bopper movie but the flick about fast cars and racing? Who has an opinion on cars and can talk about them? Not some dumb chick who is an airhead and giggles ditzily and throws her hair over her shoulder and snaps her gum. All you guys complain that you don't care how a girl looks but who she is on the inside. Well what about the fact that you never give the girl on the inside the time to come out and show you how good of a girl she is? All a guy fucking wants is a trophy girl to go on his arm to make the other guys jealous! and that trophy girl is never me!
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!
WTF?
I'll start off with something besides guys. I want a '34 ford so I can turn it into a street rod. it'll be pimp.. I talked with my dad and he avoids my ideas on cars. grr. Yeah It would be pimp I saw a reall good one it was acopper/gold color with a black conv. top and 2 brakelights, 1 sliver that could barely be seen whe nit wasn't lighted and one that ran across the bottom below the trunk. it had whit leather interior and buffed Alum/steel streeing colum and shift and instruments. The fenders and body work was wide and low and curvey. it looked so pimp! it was probly worth about $120,000! I want it so bad, I forgot what he said it was, but there was a pimp '34 ford all black hardtop and big block in it, side pipes and on the inside on the hood was flames the builders signature. There were so many pimp cars I want one like that just to make ppl drool. Those cars are flashy. See if an Escalade drives by no one cares.. any one with good credit can get one. But a 44 Chevy Coup modified to a street rod everyone stops and looks. They can all hear it and they all know it was expensive and time consuming to build. And ya'll know it can kick some ass.
Now guys. I actually have little to say about them. Cept I need to meet more and talk with others beside Allen, Kevin, Derrick, and Dave. They are all nice but I need to get out a talk with others.


DAMN IT!
I love you Mollie, you point out the obvious and love me and manage to het me enough to tell me the truth. (take it all as a compliment) But yeah I think Friends with benifits are good, hey why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? However, dating someone and having a friend on the side is just wrong. I mean come on, if you want a person and your totally fucknig someone on the side isn't that a major turn-off? Ithink so. Damnit All your fucking around puts me into a bad mood. Not to mention that it makes me sad. If you want some one be straightforward, I don't want to be a second or replacement, I may not have guys lining up around the block but I have my respect and limits. I Always feel insignificant looking at other girls and comparing myself to them. There's always some one prettier and more outgoing or popular. Still, I want you But I want you to want me with out any other shit. I want you to want me for me and with out any other girls comparing me with. I want to feel that you like me for the individual that I am, not that I have some qualities like this person with this persons humor, Cuz in reality I am nothing like anyone. Many times I feel like I'm what you can't have, like a runner up. IT's truly the pissist feeling. I want to just leave it all behind so many times, but then I know I'll see him in a few days and when I see him I forget about it. I feel so stupid. I caould do that with anyother guy I've wanted but not him and it pisses me off to my fullest extent. You were my fanstasy, I'm your baby tonight.
Nah.
I feel like shit. Not only do I feel like shit, I look like it too. My face looks like crap, I'm tubby and I have a sickly pale white glow to me, it doesn't even constitute for a glow, It sucks up light. I haven't really done any physical exersise for 5 days and I can feel the effects of the ham and prime rib fat flowing through my veins.ewwwww.
If it weren't so damn cold and wet outside I'd go out, but its friggen freezing out there, not to mention at my desk infront of a large bay window.... anywho.
If I actually got off of my ass and went out I'd get the blood moving to move this damn cold/allergy/shitty illness outta me.Ah, I should go. Make the dog happy, my my ass feel better about being so big, and get me outta my house. But its cold!!!!
Eh, whatever I'll pile on long johns, flannel and foul weather gear. See ya.

Maybe once, maybe twice.
I have been waiting for a piece right out of a romance novel to happen. I think it's been since I've been deleriously sick and taking weird medications and that food poisening the other day that have set me back on track.
No knight in shining armor is going to pick me up and ride away on a white horse, much less a guy in a rambler sedan. So, I have become more realistic. Knowing that this isn't going to happen, or much less the guy call me or do anything slightly uh well, interesting or involving motivation, has moved me. I want to become self sufficient. I want to be a redneck. My family is nothing to be ashamed of. Well, the fact that my brothers got "the family" a microwave for x-mas is just crappy. Still, I am damn comfortable with my family. No one is going to judge me by what my family does or makes.... unless its a federal court... thats a different story.
Also Veronica can go to hell, I really don't care. Yup it's part of my every few week bitch on my brpthers girlfriend. I know she is and I can't see why he doesn't see it. Oh well that girl could talk you into disliking Mother Theresa.
Back to guys, I mean no harm, but I must make some sweeping generalizations...
1. Guys are chicken shit.
2. guys lead you on.
3. even when you are absolutely sure they want you, they don't.
4. Guys will start by saying something really perfect, your about to melt into the ground, they will say something to make you want to slap them... to the affect of "I really want to go somewhere with you... lets go to this hella cool place that You totally want to go to.... with my 6 best friends who are more important to you." grrr.
5. They never call, even when you ask them to.
6. They make you want to become a lesbian cuz you know you would treat girls better than they do.
7. They never like the right "chick songs"
8. They don't dance with you when you want them to.
9. The good ones are always taken, or outta your leaugue. Well in my case I have a very small league.
10. They drive you absolutely up the wall, you want them completely, to point of where you would fuck them, and you can't tell them how much you want them, cuz your just a girl.
Yeah, I've been to the point where I would fuck a guy, didn't tell him tho, if he had asked I would have said yes. oh well, his loss.
I never get any guys. This sucks, Guys think they are so cool, but they really aren't. Well the truth is, everybody wants to date some one who is better than them, no one wants to date a loser.
I do look like crap right now.

Nevermind.
I am so depressed, I've been asked by so many people whats eating me, well, theres a lot. I get my hopes up so high and I have this great thing planned out aand I know something great is going to happen and then something goes and fucks things up! It's awful, all I can do is sit at home and mope, I had two or three good points, but they still didn't make-up for the continuos downward spiral... Imagine the hindenburg or titanic, it started to come back up, and then you see it boat snapp in half, and plunge to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah this is me right now. I was going along at 35 knots/hour and allof asudden I see this iceberg, I think oh no btu I'm a little too late, I can avoid it how ever. SO yuo kinda swerve, and you scrape it, your hurt but you think you can still keep going, but slowly you sink lower and lower until yoour reaching fantically wishing you had never even thought of such a boat, and you fianlly feel the boat coming back up, you take a gasp of air hoping that it will get better, you release your air and the boat Snaps in Half and plunges you to the sea-floor. Yeah, I am depressed. In fact there were three good things, 1. I was told I was a good friend, 2. A good back massage, 3. a new found mutual disliking of a person. So yeah, Considering every blink I took made me have to fight back tears, I'm not doing well.
I want/need to cry. It's one of those things where I feel so helpless, I can't control other peoples actions, and I'm too shy to say anything. Fuck I want a boyfriend with out all this dicking around so we can just get to the hugging and kissing part.
I can't wait!
Friday is Football game and we get to have fun at those....hopefully. as long as it's legal. Well I've been trying to get with this guy and either he's making sure I like him or he doesn't want me, and hopefully it's A. Cuz I really want to get with him... I've never been like this, it's like I've had crushes, but it's never been this deeply rooted, I thin kit's cuz we danced, not like do the hokie-pokie, but you couldn't pry us apart with a crowbar. Well still he's cute, and I really want him to ask me. Cuz it's like gawd damn. You totally turn me on and yuor really sweet and realyl nice so why don't you just ask me?
Diana said the most comforting thing to me, she said "when I like a guy, natural conversation just doesn't happen, I get so shy and scared I can't say anything, and the same has probably happened with him. so I'm praying to dear god, that he sucks it up and asks me.

Aw man, Saturday was the best!
You have no idea, It was pure freak fest! We were about a panty and some socks away from fucking! Well maybe farther but yeah it was hella sexual. In fact that was the best I've been freaked in a long assed time! I want another dance in about..... 10 minutes, well it's unrealistic, but still I want to dance. I had the greatest time, Ipersonally thought the last 3 dances were the best, but I wish there haad been about 20 more! You just don't understand! I was just ready to stay there all night with all the people who were around me, ya'll know, but it was like near orgy woth clothes.
I joke about benig turned on alot, how ever I was like yeah Give it to me sucka! several times that night, I'm just waiting to hear from him, so if you have any idea who the hell you are or that this site exists, please feel free to call me up, chat me up, ask me the fuck out, cuz I would scream HELL YEAH! You are sexy and I want you hella bad, you have no idea!
Ok I'm not a stalker and if you don't want me atleast tell me, please gawd!
Call Me Dorthy.
The world's going to hell in a handbasket and call me dorthy. Yup, On TEOP.org kev said to bomb cali, however on the map he pointed to cental coast of cali, which we know has nothing there. Also Cali has done nothing wrong, We don't even support the attacks. Or at least I don't and I'm the only one who counts. But really, I think Cali should cede from So. Cal taking Central Cali with them annex Hawaii and declare themselves a new country. Fuck yea Cootchi Kisser!
Also side note Bush is a moron, He's a walking cliche, If I hear another line from Winston Churchill or John Wayne I'm gonna scream and declare myself Annexed from America thus taking Cali (cuz I'm the only one who matters) {side note when liz does not show up for class tomorrow you know she's been taken in for questioning.
New subject, Family Circle Is run by republican Women who fear about their children growing up to be artists and gays, also musicians and fear of the black community and support slavery. They said that All Concerts are dangerous and to monitor your childrens music, call concerts before purchasing tickets and see the seating if proper security will be provided and if Alcohol will be served. Howabout you call Anthony Kedis's mom to see if she'll be surervising and if your daughter can wear her pink dress with the blue flowers. They've blammed the Mosh-pits and Body Surfing on the Bands Basically slandering Blink-182 and the HSFestival. They wrote this big story about how "one of the band" said to pick up the fallen body surfers, preceding that was pointing out 10 times this was Blink-182, What can the band do? They have to stay up on the stage, they can't stop playing or they'll cause a riot, and asking them not to is saying "go do it". I hate republicans, they're homophobes, racist and rednecks. I feel that people can be who ever they want to with out dictating what others shouldn't (Note Hypocracies) But if the Republicans weren't into the rich white eastcoast man, I wouldn't have to be like this. Oh well, homophobes suck.

Fucking morons.
IF only I were pretty or hot or cute or beautiful or gorgious or even thin. Getting insulted by people is not fun especially when your self confidence is plumiting because of lack of a date to homecoming and the fact that every day I g oto school and sit down next to girls who look like supermodels and tv stars.
This past week the same guy (ah-hem) has poked fun at two words which I dislike very fucking strongly and me in combination, Ugly and Fat (twice). I was torn between crying and beating the shit out of him, now all I feel like is crying. I don't know if he's stupid or mean or telling the truth. Let's just say I have hit the mark three times with one arrow (FT2S- A combo). I think I want to hide for several days, not koming out and leaving all to sit for a few days. But what the fuck can I do? Jack Schit. Ican't get violent, I can't. All I can do is ignore him for several hours when he insults me again, which I feel is coming soon on the horizons. God damm being a woman! All this shit we have to put up with! First off Carrying a watermelon for nearly a year, having a fucking period for 35 years or more, multiply 12 times a year 5 days, add 3 days of being emotional and being twice as moody as men, crying for no reason what-so-ever. Then there is the insecurity. Every day, You wake-up, question how you look in the mirror, how you look to others, if you attract guys, if girls think your stylin', if strangers think you look ok, if you reflect how you look, what people expect, and most importantly if a guy will ask you out based on looks. Becasue not matter what guys say 999/1000 times dating is based on looks, look at me, look at pretty girls, note difference in many ways. Ugh, this bullshit of "We have to like you for your mind" trust me I've seen girls with no mind get asked out more than an intelligent one. No matter what I keep telling myself I keep getting my chain fucking jerked into a false sense of security, expecting that maybe a guy is interested in me, but in 2 days it's all gone. It's bullcrap, no guy likes me, or will like me, no one is going to ask me. They all want a girl who will better their image, but what about a girl who likes their image. Damn it I'm gonna cry, no shit. It's fucking late. Man I was told guys are chicken shit (by a guy) and it's not that your not good looking, it's that guys fear rejection. Well Ithink there would only be 3 guys I would reject if asked by them, No names. Possibly 4. But the guy who told me this wasn't really talking directly to me, only trying to comfort a depressed female friend, and he himself had asked a "hot" girl who was in "high demand". Hypocrit.
maybe i should just walk around with a sign saying "Take me to homecoming! No one refused! First Cum First Served!" or something to that effect. but still I won't get a date. I have the worst luck in the school, people who I wouldn't think of getting asked are more likely t oget asked than me. Also my 2001 HC Pics are about 85% correct on confirmed dates. There were 2 upsets and three 50/50. So I'm pretty good at this. But I can't get myself a date.
Board
In my need for a constructive outlet of my....self, I deceided to take up skate boarding, I have the shoes, the music, and the shorts. Now all I need is a board. Ahhh my Brothers long neglected, but very nice longboard, now used for moving furniture. I'll go out in my drive way and teach myself to ride. Ooo this is nice... whoa! weird turning radius. Hey this isn't half Bad (meanwhile rock sitting infront of wheel ready to throw me on my ass and elbow) Well lets do it again, and again, your getting better coward. lets try facing oppisite way and doing a back wards turn. Oh crap, ground comming at face. Shit. Damn no scratches. Well lets continue. Hmm I started this turn late, I can make it, I just come really close to my neighbors Garage. Fuck! on my ass and hoping to hell their pot isn't broken, no, but my longboards nose is craked up. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT OF SHIT! Mmmm lets call it a day. Island in the Sun
Mmm, I am so sick of our stupid president. Lets declare war! There is now a War on Terrorism! Well 25 years the was a War on Drugs, see how fucking far that got us. Damn Republicans. If they want to fuck themselves up lets put all of them on a big island that doesn’t matter if it get destroyed…. Like Greenland, or Antarctica. While were at it lets put the conservatives, anti-choice, and racists.
We'll Get low.
Mmmm, Sleep, only four days to catch-up. for over 6 weeks I was getting about 7 hours of sleep, I should have been getting about 10 since it's summer. I had so many interesting things to say, oh yes.
I don't trust my brothers farther than Christopher Reeves can shot-put a bowling ball. Those caniving bastards would sooner sell me on e-bay to an arab Sheik than flush the toilet. Those be a Christian to all saying don't work. They require another Christian or at least a person with a conceince/several working cells. Those morons can go to hell,or Idaho, I don't care, don't taint my state with your skankiness. I won't think about revoking this statement until Tom Dumps Lady Vaginal Disease- I mean Veronica.
On a good note I ordered my Etnies! They should be here on Wed. or Fri!!!! Lo-Cut2!!!!! Might I add Bay area Radio stations Suck! Quad and the Edge in Sacto and Stockton are WAY>>> better.
Later


Cutie Patutie!
Got bac kfrom camp, HOnestly best 3 weeks of my life I'm going back next week for two more. I have so many stories to tell. I just have to tell this one.
There's this counsler, TJ. He's cute and well built and everything, Also like every girl wanted him at camp cuz he was sweet and cute. Well one night TJ, Tray, Timo, and Scrapy went into town to smoke or buy stuff, and this drunk 40ish woman comes out of the bar with her friends. The 4 counslers were walking down the street and the drunk see's TJ. WEll OMG she says the funniest things (Tray did a great impresion of her)
"Well look at this cutie Patootie!(Pokes TJ in Pec) oooo and he's got muscles too! How old are you? 20? 25? I remember when I was 21! (rubs head) oohhh and he's a red head too!"
Number one TJ is latino, he's 5'4" and he's not a red head, he has slightly lighter hair on the top than on the sides, but he's not a red head.
Gawd I had so much fun! The first week TJ and tray weren't there, so the only other guy counsler was Timo. Woodie was sitting at a table and all the girls were quiet.
So woodie asks whats wrong.
"timo's only sitting with the Wits(Me Julie and Anne)."
"Why is that a problem?"
"tray's gone!" At the PJ party there was an entire table at which girls were crying becasue Timo and Tray weren't there.
My favorite counsler would have to have been Mac(Amy). She was this great Auzzie. She looks like a taller version of the girl in the Waterboy and the Craft, big lips and light green eyes. She was made a Unit leader when TJ came back. The Wits were invited to Her unit's cook out, and we met up with her while walking up to it, she smile and said "Welcome to Hell, Population 25 and growing, to your left is the Hell bathrooms to the Right Is Hell's Dinner Surrounding you would be Hell's workers."
Mac was great, By the end of the third week she was refering to herself as Mac in the Third Person, as opposed to in the first week where every kid knew she was Amy. She was helping at calaveras one night and the girls would not be quiet. So she got out of her sleeping bag to go yell at them. She was walking up the hill and fell into a hole
"Oh Fuck!!!!"
"Amy Swore! Amy Swore!"
"Bequiet! Am- Mac did not swear! Now is there is so much as a peep from any one of you... no frozen bagles in the morning. And no Showers when we get back either!"Walked off.. and a stick jumped up and attacked her "ShitShitShitShitShitShit!"
Scrapy was great too.They all were. Gotta E-mail some people.See-ya.

Pushing the Envelope
I love pushing the boreders of decency. please if you do not like me, waste no time in reading this page cuz if all you'll do is silently insult me and be a general bitch I'd like you to leave. Those who can put up with me depressing myself, read on.

6-21-01
Alpine.
I waited in Circut City for 3.5 hours while we got a kick assed sound sytem put in our (soon to be mine) Civic. It is one tight assed Alpine ready for a satilite radio chip. Ahhhh Yeah..... Best part, it's gonna be mine! Even if I get a truck I'm having it in stalled in the truck. Aw shit yeah! Now if only some bitch will stop keying the car....

6-20-01
Cute Annorexic Chicks.
I think I'll become annorexic. I haven't deceided on Bulemia or Annorexia, but they both have their perks. I mean it doesn't matter that I'll lose way too many pounds of fat, muscle and tissue, but I'll fit into a size 00, Dropped my cup size by two, ribs to a 32, and my hip bones will be so pointy you can hang a hat on them. I am every thing that Moraga girls are not. Non-athletic, semi-intellegent, wear pants bigger than a size 4 and I don't get my hair done professionally every 4 weeks with hightlights and bleach (instead I opt for screwing my hair myself). I'm going through some deep ass depression on my looks. I try to see the "beauty" of me but frankly 34C's don't mean jack squat if your ass is bigger than J.Lo's. I like J. Lo, she told P.Diddy, to kiss his own ass, She was tired of being on Diets cuz he didn't like her booty. We need more big sexy women in music, Christina's Annorexic, look at her arms, it's bone, not even skin on it, just bone.I can span her neck with my hand. But hey, she's made a hell of a lot more money than me, and she wears a size 00. So damn become Annorexic, get me attention for about 2 weeks when I reach Ideal weight then when you can count my ribs trough my shirt from 30 feet away they'll all leave me. Then I get to walk around in a designer size 00 hospital robe and talk about how I still see my self as fat. God Damn society!!!
You guys don't give me shit about how "It doesn't matter what she looks like, just what she's like on the inside." BULL-------SHIT---------! I know so many girls that are wonderful, brink of perfect and they don't get asked any where. I'm not talking about me cuz I know I'm a biznitch. I'm mean to people I have no real sense of humor, I'm a movie and music freak, I have no conversational skills, My manners scream for being used, and I'm not afraid to be intouch with my masculine side. All of the above (and those not) stated is true, each and every guy who reads this will mentally check off like 50 things why they would never go out with me, and the top 3 things are
1) she looks like a dog
2) she's been mean to a lot of people
3) I think she's a dyke. Now one and two may possibly be true, but three, uh-un. Nope I am not attracted to girls, I see people with different people with different eyes than that. I know that there are many people and I see how each person could be considered beautiful in their own way.
So of my friends are really and truely sweet and put others first and if the right guy was there, he would see that and go damn, She has this utterly soft and sexy smile that I have to get with you.
Others are so smart and funny, and have this great silver tounge (not that way) That people are completely infatualted with them and they listen so well and talk so smooth and always saying the right things, that some guy would just be at a loss for words to be in their presence.
Some are just sexy, They've got things to back them up, but being sexy is what I'd rate first. Some guy would be attracted to thme visually and then Mentally.
I fall under none of these catigories. I'm self centered, I say the wrong things at the wrong times (Half the time I open my mouth I want to kick the bejesus out of myself) and I'm not that sexy (all I got is T&H, and Only half Hair, cuz I fried it)I was once told "your hot..." but fucking lie!!!! That person really needs to work on their lying skills. Basically what the person said, was I'm ashamed of you, and I would never be seen in public with you and I thin kthat I'm the bomb, you are just a piece of dirt and I'm gonna go booty chasing now. Ouch. That hurt me right here! I think I went home, and sat up for 4 hours listing off all the possibilities what they said ment. Some sorry assed excuse ain't going to cut it.
I have all this rage in me from the past school year and I think I'm going to let it all out here. Damn did parts of this year suck and old whores left toe. I made so many mistakes I can't cout them on the extrematies of my body, and I ain't talking about on tests. I relised I miss several old friends. John, from Chi-town, Michelle from next door, and Sarah. John and Michelle I've known since forever. We played together as preschoolers. We were like best buds. Michelle and I would play afterschool all through kindergarden and elementry, then in 6th grade she went to Bently. John- well we were so close, He was my friend and I was his, I went to his house to be in a quiet house with no siblings just Norah and him, and he would come to my house to watch 4 other people run around the house. We loved to play in the creek, he was just the coolest. Sarah well, I want closure with her, I want to say I'm sorry and I think I understand waht ever the hell we went through. She was a great friend and if she ever read this she'd laugh her ass off and say, "Well thats what you get, Bitch" I'm not asking to be friends just, You know say hey, I'm sorry, Wish I could take back what I said but I can't and I hope you'll agnkowlage my apology and not get vendictive.
This entire years been full of revenge. In fact that's what I wrote my English essay on. I'm sick of it, I want nothing more than to go back t oSeptember and redo this entire year. There would be so much change, I be nicer for one thing. And Two, I'd tell Veronica September 1st 12:01 AM, Screw you don't say one word to me for the next 75 years. What 99% of the people don't know is half the shit I went through these past 3 years. I've only grown and become cynical. I wish I could learn to be nice but I've been through more muck and bejesus for you guyz to know about and you can't really understand a person till you climb in their skin and walk around.
Long winded I know, but I've had way to much stuff to say and I finally have the time to say it.
6-1-01
Mark my werd.
Damned them all to hell! I always meet kickass people at the end of the year so we don't see eachother for 3 months and we forget how cool we are and we don't really get to talk and eventually I remember but they don't. Grrrr.
Also people leave, they move, transfer to Private schools and you never see them again! Shiznit, piss, vinager and snot! I won't finish it.
I'm looking forward to leaving my family of 25 days of pure peace, other than little girls grabbing on to my legs and asking for piggy backs. Comparing the two the latter is more restful.
I must say this, the "deaf" guy from The Replacements is HOT. I mean like cattle-brand-my-ass hot. Well so's Keanu. Number 9 on the outlet cd is pimpin. I want a guy to treat me good. Not that I can complain, no names.......