I'm so sick of this place. Sick of this manic depressive bi-polar strange personality caught in an equally bizarre being. I'm sick of the pain in my stomach. I'm sick of the broncitus. I'm sick of feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I want numbness and yet I complain when the pain emotionally os so excrutiating that I can't feel anything at all. I stopped caring about myself long ago. I don't understand why but I'm lost. I've always been lost to everyone and everything. Everyone who knows me, even my best friends say that I'm weird, that I'm a freak and I don't care how they mean it. Good or bad. I don't want to be like everyone else but I don't want to walk around realizing just how much there is wrong with me. I see that everyday. I get sick of me. i change my hair and I change my clothes and I take a shower and I try to sleep but nothing seems to help. I always wake up feeling the same way. And I've always tried to be someone else, always wanted to live that life that I'm not living because I don't have the will to wake up and see myself that way. I've tried to change. I swear to fucking god that I've done everything I can to get better and help myself but it doesn't work it hasn't helped. I don't care what they say about me being a cop out. I've never felt the way I felt because someone else felt this way, it's always been so self-inflicted.I wanted to be Kurt in a lot of ways because he wasn't a spokesperson to me. He was a man. A beautiful man that just couldn't clear his head enough to function properly and god do I know that feeling. Maybe that's why I wanted to be him, because he walked through my same kind of hell. He felt the abandonment and it didn't matter who told him that they loved him, it didn't matter if they really meant it because he never felt it, I never felt it. It was never a matter of... oh I hate myself so much... I think that's wrong to assume. It was that he didn't believe what these people were saying, he thought that they were merely putting up with him and it was better to push them away before they got rid of you because it was inevitable. I know this because I am this. Not because I want to be but because I wake up everyday with that feeling. That feeling that I'm different, that feeling that I don't want to conform but I don't want to be the same. I don't want to be noticed but I don't want to be ignored. I say things that aren't normal or approachable and the response from people is always the same. Always that look and again I am misplaced. I feel stupid, I feel tormented but when people see me they don't see that as depth at all. They see big stupid ugly depressing girl. And out of all the times that I've tried suicide I wonder how many people actually hoped for me to die. I wonder how many people wish i would've. They can tell me that I am the most beautiful person that they know but I'll always think that they are lying. I won't do anything dumb. I can't. As far as I know I'm immortal. I just don't want to bother anyone anymore.
posted by morgana morgana 11:12 PM
[BigBody]
posted by morgana morgana 2:06 PM
Insult to Injury“He really hurt you bad, didn’t he?”Daniel inquired as I fumbled with a pack of clove cigarettes.
I glanced up at him briefly as my hand dug into my pocket and searched for a lighter.
I paused momentarily in contemplation over whether to answer the question or not.
I lit up the cigarette and exhaled deeply, “What makes you think that there was a he?”
“Well, it’s just…uh…” Daniel stammered, “I just…figured…”
I took a drag, “ Figured that because I appeared emotionally distressed that there was a he involved?”
“Well, yeah…” He scratched the back of his messy blondish-pink head and figetted.
“Did you come to that conclusion all by yourself?”
He sat silently, unsure of how to answer.
“It’s okay, I understand, people talk.” I held up the pack of cigarettes, “Wanna smoke?”
“No thanks. Asthmatic.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry,” I went to stub the cigarette out, but he gently tapped my wrist.
“No it’s alright, just don’t blow it on me and I should be fine.”
I hesitated, “Okay.” Then brought it back up to my lips.
“So how long have you been a smoker?” He inquired curiously as he took a sip of a Hansen’s natural soda from our tour buses fridge.
“I’m not.”
He chuckled a bit and then wiped his mouth on his t-shirt sleeve, “Okay…”
“Well I wasn’t. Just recently. It must be a Seattle thing. Well that’s a lie, I did it once in a while when I was in high school. But I guess I’m more of a social smoker. I don’t do it often. I don’t see a point.”
“Why is it a Seattle thing?”
“I dunno… it’s something you do. Seth and Stephan and I would sit on the curb outside of my apartment and watched the traffic pass by while we shared a bottle of red wine and smoked cigarettes. Then we would go get coffee to sober up and play a show at some hole-in-the-wall club filled to brim with people. Drink a few of the local beers, converse with the locals and the go home. It was a ritual. I guess that’s what people do in Seattle.”
“Sounds interesting.”
I took another drag off of my cigarette, “Not really, but it was life. What’s there to do in Newcastle?”
He raised his eyebrows in inquiry, “You know where I’m from?”
“Shouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know. I just didn’t think you were paying that close of attention.”
“That’s an awfully back handed thing to say.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” He moaned, “I just meant that, I didn’t know that you had heard.”
“Like I said, people talk.”
“I’m guessing.”
“Soooo… what is there to do in Newcastle?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“I thought you lived there?”
“I do. I just don’t leave the house much.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t like people.”
“You’re in the wrong profession.”
“Tell me about it.” He sipped his soda, “Where are you from originally?”
“I would rather not discuss it.”
“Okay.”
“It’s a long complicated story that once I get into I can’t stop and it takes all night and by the end of it you are feeling sorry for me and I couldn’t deal with that.”
“Okay.” Daniel was quiet, “Then tell me about your boyfriend.”
He hit a raw nerve and a lump rose in my throat, but I swallowed it, “What boyfriend?” I finished off my cigarette and stubbed it out on the oiled pavement of the somewhat vacant parking lot. Vacant with the exception of the tour buses.
“Sorry.”
“It’s alright, not your fault that I’m a jerk magnet.”
“Mind if I ask what happened?”
“You can ask all you want. You just might not get answers. But you can try.”
“Well, what happened?”
“He moved out.”
“You lived together?”
“Yup.”
“Why’d he move out?”
I suddenly felt the urge for another cigerette and a good stiff drink, but I restrained, “I wish I knew.”
“ I dated this girl once…”
“Only one, once?”
He smirked, “Yeah.”
“You don’t get around half as much as I expected, Mr. Johns.”
“Well, what can I say?”
“Anyways, back on this girl you dated…”
“Right… well, she… I forgot what I was going to say.”
I smiled, “It’s alright. I’ll be around if you you remember it. I’m not going anywhere. Well I’ll be where ever you are.”
“That’s reassuring. Following me to the ends of the Earth?”
“Practically.”
“I’m touched.”
“And I’m getting paid.”
“To touch me?”
“HA! You wish. Pervert.”
There was a silence between us as he tilted his head back to look up at the blanket of stars looming above us, showing us up, being beautiful.
“Oh Ana… you are really cool you know that? Very intriguing. I mean… I understand why so many people come to the shows and it’s largely to do with you. You’re an amazing person.”
“It’s only the 3rd stop on the tour, Johns. Don’t get too intrigued.”
“What do you mean?”
“Yeah, he really hurt me bad.”
posted by morgana morgana 10:20 PM
Slave“He hurt you bad, didn’t he?” For the life of me, out of all the questions in my head, I couldn’t pinpoint why in the world I chose to ask that one. Out of all the things I wanted to say to her, just then, I didn’t understand why that one slipped out. I mentally kicked myself.
Ana paused momentarily from her fumbling to open up the pack of clove cigarettes in her hand and sat silently staring at her lap. Then she resumed what she was doing, looked directly out in front of her and let out a bitter little laugh.
“What makes you think that there’s a he?” She retorted as she exhaled smoke.
I tried to think of a logical answer but instead stumbled over words, “Well, I, um…” I looked up at the orange sky for guidance but found nothing so I looked down at the ground and found my shoes.
“It’s alright, I understand, people talk. You can’t really live this close to someone and not expect them to say something. It’s not your fault,” Ana soothed and then held out the pack of cigarettes, “Want one?”
“No thanks. Asthmatic.” I replied glad to have found myself out of such a rut. I glanced back up and directly in front of me and stared into the oblivion of the half-empty hotel parking lot of the Seattle Marriot. Sneering everytime somebody walked by and stared, as though they had never seen a skinny man with pink hair, piercings and a tatoo (well they couldn’t see the tatoo but still) sitting on the steps of one of three tour buses in the parking lot. It was so normal to me that I didn’t understand why every by-stander found it so unnormal. But perhaps at the time that was the state of mind that I was in.
“Oh god. I’m sorry,” She hastily apologized, quickly moving to stub the cigarette out on the ground. I reached out and gently caught her wrist before the cigarette hit the pavement.
“It’s alright. Just don’t breathe on me and I’ll be fine,” She smiled softly and I could’ve died right then just to see that smile. My emotions melted and my heart started beating like mad. I forgot how to breathe and yet, tried to maintain my calm and not let on by the fact that I was impressed with her just being there, “So how long have you been a smoker?”
“I’m not a smoker,” she replied defensively and then let out a laugh realizing the utter stupidity of what she had just said considering what she was doing, “Well, I wasn’t until recently. It might be a Seattle thing. I wouldn’t suggest you do it though. It’s really stupid.”
“Thanks but I got that speech in high school,” I assured but she ignored the comment.
“Ah… Daniel,” She sighed and the way she did it made me like my name, “How are you doing, Darling?”
“Me? I’m fine.” Liar, Liar pants on fire.
She shook her pretty little head in disbelief, “You don’t have to lie to be down with it.”
“What?! I’m not lying. I’m okay, really.” I tried to comfort, then curiousity got the best of me and I wondered how she had figured out about me and how much I had really let on, “Why would you think that something was wrong?”
“I dunno. You’ve just been really reclusive lately. You just seem to be kinda out of it and quiet and you just get this look that looks really put-out about everything. Like you’re really miserable. I was just worried.”
I wanted to tell her everything and nothing at the same time. She was looking like a photograph, so open and sincere. Honest and I didn’t want to hide anything from her. I wanted to touch her page-boy style cut black hair and I wanted to kiss her pretty face and I wanted to look into those big dark eyes and tell her the secrets of the universe. But then again, I wanted to tell her nothing because then maybe she wouldn’t have to know how ugly I really was.
“It’s just touring. It really gets to me and you have all of these people that want to touch you and do things with you and you want nothing to do with them, but you can’t say no. Because they make you out to be something you really aren’t and they tried so hard to get to where they were just to be near you, but you want to scream at them and tell them to fuck off and tell them that you aren’t a people person. I don’t know. Nobody really understands that,” I took a sip of the soda that she brought for me and hoped that she wasn’t preparing to walk away. Instead she sat silently, “You shouldn’t worry so much.”
posted by morgana morgana 10:14 PM
[4/9/2001 1:36:00 AM | morgana morgana]
"Your beauty is rich in a loveless world."- Daniel Johns
Well, I just got my pictures back from my trip to San Francisco and I was rather proud at my knack for catching the interesting. The big joke in most of the pix was that we looked like a huge group of tourists so therefore we acted the part by snapping a lot of pictures, so I have three different pictures of three differents people with their cameras up the their faces. It's beautiful. I'm going to try the best that I can to update my entire page and put the pictures on my page. I think they might be rather enjoyable to those who know me and even to those who don't. I'm in serious consideration of putting the one of Dana in the bathtub up but it's still uncertain.I'm hoping for one of my friends to come on line but they appear to have lives and aren't there. Well aside from the pictures I am really confused about everything and about life in a general sense. But there are a few people in my life who have me over-whelmed. Saying something to any of them would be a bad move on my part and could of course result in chaos and destruction of some very stable relationships in my life. But then again I am left to wonder if I should speak up to save myself, my emotions and my mind. Only because I'm afraid of how I feel. I don't want them to be lost to me forever but I don't want to feel as though they don't understand where it is I'm coming from. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.
Peace,love,Empathy,
Ana
[edit]
[4/7/2001 10:55:37 PM | morgana morgana]
Drinking down numbness
Well I haven't been so good about updating this blogger but I'm guessing that now would be a good time to do so. A lot has happend in a little over 2 or 3 weeks and now is the time to share it. There was a shooting at my school. Yes, I go to Granite Hills and it has been a very bizarre experience for everyone involved. I was very close to the situation. So close in fact, that a shot ricochetted off of the window above where I was sitting. Very awkward.
I went on my trip to San Francisco and it was wonderful! Well for the most part, I know I want to move there but I had a whole depression thingy that really threw me off balence. I've just been feeling very emotionally sick lately, but I was very gifted to have people around me that cared a lot more than I thought they did. Jamie was so loving and so was Denise. Richie was just his normal sweet self and I've always appriciated the fact that when I'm in the middle of an apparent brakedown, he's the first to comfort me when I cry. I feel very lucky to know these people.
I wish I could've seen more of the city and been sooooo much less touristy, it was very touristy and I think the natives hated us because of it. "Oh well, whatever nevermind," Silent now, scream later.
Peace,Love,Empathy,
Ana[edit]
[3/9/2001 7:45:11 AM | morgana morgana]
posted by morgana morgana 2:18 PM
"Your beauty is rich in a loveless world."- Daniel Johns
Well, I just got my pictures back from my trip to San Francisco and I was rather proud at my knack for catching the interesting. The big joke in most of the pix was that we looked like a huge group of tourists so therefore we acted the part by snapping a lot of pictures, so I have three different pictures of three differents people with their cameras up the their faces. It's beautiful. I'm going to try the best that I can to update my entire page and put the pictures on my page. I think they might be rather enjoyable to those who know me and even to those who don't. I'm in serious consideration of putting the one of Dana in the bathtub up but it's still uncertain.I'm hoping for one of my friends to come on line but they appear to have lives and aren't there. Well aside from the pictures I am really confused about everything and about life in a general sense. But there are a few people in my life who have me over-whelmed. Saying something to any of them would be a bad move on my part and could of course result in chaos and destruction of some very stable relationships in my life. But then again I am left to wonder if I should speak up to save myself, my emotions and my mind. Only because I'm afraid of how I feel. I don't want them to be lost to me forever but I don't want to feel as though they don't understand where it is I'm coming from. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.
Peace,love,Empathy,
Ana
posted by morgana morgana 1:35 AM
Drinking down numbness
Well I haven't been so good about updating this blogger but I'm guessing that now would be a good time to do so. A lot has happend in a little over 2 or 3 weeks and now is the time to share it. There was a shooting at my school. Yes, I go to Granite Hills and it has been a very bizarre experience for everyone involved. I was very close to the situation. So close in fact, that a shot ricochetted off of the window above where I was sitting. Very awkward.
I went on my trip to San Francisco and it was wonderful! Well for the most part, I know I want to move there but I had a whole depression thingy that really threw me off balence. I've just been feeling very emotionally sick lately, but I was very gifted to have people around me that cared a lot more than I thought they did. Jamie was so loving and so was Denise. Richie was just his normal sweet self and I've always appriciated the fact that when I'm in the middle of an apparent brakedown, he's the first to comfort me when I cry. I feel very lucky to know these people.
I wish I could've seen more of the city and been sooooo much less touristy, it was very touristy and I think the natives hated us because of it. "Oh well, whatever nevermind," Silent now, scream later.
Peace,Love,Empathy,
Ana
posted by morgana morgana 10:55 PM
Teenage Insomnia
I can't sleep, I've tried and the swells of sleep are beyond me, Wednesday night was an alright night to sleep, but now I can't do it. The school shooting on Santana has hit me in a hard way and it's not that I ever cared that much about school spirit or anything close, I never have and I probably never will. I go to a rival school, about 12 miles away from where it happend and I didn't know anyone in the situation. My friend knew the guy who did it and a friends cousin was talking to a guy who go shot, while he got shot. All of this is very traumatic and it's not that it affects me so much as the empathy I am feeling from three aspects, I'm feeling the empathy for the victims, I am feeling empathy for the media and I am feeling empathy for him, as crazy as that may sound and I have all these theories about the emotions he was feeling and the pressure condensing that would lead him to a situation such as that. I myself have been put into the situations of helplessness but never have I become destructive, only self destructive, I tried to get rid of myself to change the situation he tried to get rid of the situation to change the situation. It's odd how I understand this but I do. At first I was going to come and write about Daniel Johns being a hypocrite, but I'm just going to leave it at this. To all of you, my peace,love,and,empathy.
posted by morgana morgana 7:45 AM
