The Sounds

On most of the sounds, it may start and stop a few times. You may have to push the stop button and play it again until you hear the whole sound.

Season 1
Episode 1-There Goes The Neighborhood

Jack: Iím an ass kicking fat kid!
Ozzy: What?
Jack: Nothing.
Hear it!


Jack: Dude, how did my sisterís underwear just get mixed up with mine? You know, thatís just wrong!
Hear it!

Kelly: I donít really care what people think of my hair, If they like it or not, like, itís not their hair, so I donít really care. Ooh, that rhymed. 
Hear it!

Kelly: Youíre so f***king violent!
Jack and Ozzy: Shut up!
Hear it!

Ozzy: Iím stuck on the weather channel, aah!
Hear it!

Sharon: Well Iíll tell you what. Iím Ozzy Osbourneís wife now shut the f***k up and go to bed!
Hear it!

Sharon: That mother f***ker! Where is he?
Hear it!


Episode 2-Dog Days

Jack: But who let the dog out?
Sharon: Jack, shut up!
Jack:  (sings) Who let the dog out? 
Sharon: Shut up and clean it up, now!
Hear it!

Sharon: Letís talk aboutÖum, Lola and her f***cking one way ticket.
Jack: Letís not and talk about Minnie and her ticket to the freeway!
Hear it!

Kelly: Minnieís a bitch. Sheís just an evil cow, that just loves all the attention, but she wonít let me touch her.
Sharon: Kelly, sheís gonna make a leap at your face in a minute, and your gonna-
Minnie: (Barks at Kelly)
Hear it!

Kelly: I have something to tell you. My thong is so far up my crack right now, I couldnít even pull it out!
Sharon: Iíll cut it!
Hear it!

Kelly: Aimee wears a thong every single day, and right now she is wearing a thong of mine. Itís been up my crack, and now itís up her crack, and Iím not down with that.
Hear it!

Ozzy: You donít need a therapist, you just need to get up at seven and open the f***ing door!
Hear it!

Ozzy: Turn the f***ing thing (vacuum) off, itís driving me mad, man!
Hear it!

Episode 7-Thanks For Nothing

Kelly: Jack likes to wrap presents in tin foil.
Hear it!

Ozzy: Iíd rather be here then in Afghanistan right now.
Hear it!

Ozzy: Where were you hiding today?
Sharon: The room.
Ozzy: In the hotel?
Jack: We were like two floors below you.
Ozzy: You bastards.
Hear it!

Ozzy: All my f***ing damn career is about f***ing bats!
Hear it!

Sharon: Heís stoned! Is he singing?
Hear it!

Sharon: Kelly.
Kelly: What?
Sharon: I dropped my collar down the toilet!
Hear it!

Episode 8-No Vagrancy

Dill: God, Iím so hungover!
Hear it!

Dill: I was the middle kid, I was always the middle, little kid! AndÖwell actuallyÖI was the last kid!
Hear it!

Dill: Iím a f***ing pro skateboarder, Sharon. Donít talk down to me!
Hear it!

Jack: I mean, you could come back. You just have to be like, immediately. Oh, you just stepped on the catís tail, didnít you?
Hear it!

Kelly: Itís just as bad as when you s**t in dadís bag of weed when we were in Hawaii.
Hear it!

Sharon: Oh, I see, this is very nice.
Kelly: Mom.
Sharon: What?
Kelly: Just leave it.
Sharon: No, Iím gonna take a piss in it then put it back.
Kelly: Mom, are you nuts?
Hear it!

Kelly: Sheís pissing in the bottle. Donít you dare, mom!
Sharon: If you tell him, Iíll kill you!
Kelly: Mom!
Hear it!

Season 2 Catching Up With The Osbournes Special


Ozzy: Kelly, please, Iím talking. Shut the f**k up! 
Kelly: Iím not talking!
Ozzy: Shut the f**k up!
Kelly: Noooo!
Hear it!

Kelly: Shut up, dad.
Ozzy: Why are you so f**king god d*mn rude to me?
Kelly: Because youíre talking about, I donít go to hospitals unless they give me heroin, Iím sorry, I donít really 
want to hear you talk about that.
Ozzy:ÖI love you.
Kelly: F**k off!
Hear it!

Ozzy: How do you wake up, Jack?
Jack: I wake up and-
Kelly: Jack wakes up, j**kís off and then goes out to try to find as many women as he can because heís famous 
from a TV show.
Jack: Thatís right.
Ozzy: Put your hand there, son.
Jack: Thank you. You see, and is there anything wrong with that?
Hear it!

Ozzy: I went to the playboy mansion twice. F**king incredible building.
Kelly: Everytime I get invited mom will never let me go.
Ozzy: You know whyÖw-w-we never let you go? CauseÖoh forget it.
Hear it!

Ozzy: (Sings)SmileÖ
Kelly: F**k off!
Ozzy: (Sings)SmileÖ
Hear it!

Ozzy: I go up to Prince William and I say, ďexcuse me, whereís the toilet?Ē And he goes, ďI donít f**king know!Ē
Hear it!

Ozzy: Sheís (Kelly) like on the top five listÖfor them to get in bed with.
Jack: So am I.
Kelly: Oh, you wish, Jack.
Hear it!

Ozzy: Shush the f**k up, man, Iím trying to talk, youíre pissing me off! Oh, a red ferrari!
Hear it!

Want a sound that's not listed here? Click Here to e-mail your request!