The Show

Season 3

Episode 4- Return of the Ring

Ozzy has lost his diamond pinky ring, landing him in a state of panic. Ozzy grabs a flashlight and leaves no sofa untouched, no candelabra unturned, and no drawer intact. Despite his best efforts, Ozzy cannot find his diamond ring and proceeds to rival Jack and Kelly with his whining. Ozzy's sour mood is only exacerbated by Sharon's craving for more diamonds. The house blings as Sharon parades around with all of her potential gems. With Ozzy giving compliments like "it looks like a holly bush" and "looks like an abscess on your neck," how could Sharon resist the temptation to purchase more? Meanwhile, a photographer comes in to snap pictures of her pooches. Unfortunately, Colin has taken quite a shine to the artist and has attached himself to the hapless photographer's leg. After repeatedly removing the pup, Sharon decides that Colin must be fixed, and sends him to the vet for neutering. Ozzy states that he has even looked up his butt for the missing bling. Still stressing, Ozzy makes Sharon promise to give up her jewelry addiction for the sake of his sanity. Sharon has already found a new release for her funds: Bentleys. Ozzy's ring wasn't under the bed, in the trash can, or in pairs of shoes; it was on his bedside table. But at least Colin has returned to the family. A shell of his former self, the dog won't cuddle with Ozzy and spends his days sleeping in strange positions.

Episode 3- Rebel Without an Oz

With Sharon shooting for The Sharon Osbourne Show all day, Ozzy is left with a lot of spare time. Mostly, Ozzy just plays with his remote, sleeps, sprays an unnecessary amount of air freshener, drinks (but mostly spills) his coffee, and attempts to dress himself. Clearly, he needs Sharon's presence to occupy him. But all of Ozzy's boredom and his wasted days are about to end. He's got a new studio in his house. Now he has a lot of things to occupy his time, like giving tours of the studio. Ozzy gives his guests the first-class treatment, showing them the brains of his computer, the drum room, the sound-proof room, and things that are "not for them to touch." Meanwhile, at the studio for The Sharon Osbourne Show, Sharon's having a little trouble getting DMX to show up for his guest appearance. DMX is about two hours late and has managed to make Sharon's producer more stressed than usual. Ozzy has discovered another new toy to occupy his time: he's bought a custom made chopper. Ozzy fiddles with the machine but, following Sharon's orders, does not drive it out of the driveway. After the chopper people politely decline Ozzy's offer to tour the studio, they leave Ozzy with his new toy and head back to Vegas. Upon further inspection of his new bike, Ozzy realizes that he does not have the key and cannot start the chopper. Resting peacefully is just how Sharon finds Ozzy when she comes back from her long day of successfully persuading DMX to show up for his scheduled appearance.

Episode 2- Car Jacked

It’s been a rough night for Kelly. Christina Aguilera threw darts at a picture of Kelly while hosting the EMAs. Jack notes that Kelly did call Christina a c*** enough times to merit the violent display. Kelly shoots back that Christina needs publicity because her make-out with Madonna at the VMAs did not generate enough press. Meanwhile, “Jacky Boy” receives a super sweet BMW (complete with resplendent red bow) from Sharon and Ozzy for his 18th birthday. Only one problem, Jack doesn’t know how to drive. Empowered by his new form of transportation, Jack tells Kelly he plans to get a pirate flag tattoo because he “wants to be a pirate, sail the seven seas, and rape and pillage.” Now that he has the car, Jack just needs to learn how to drive it. He and his assistant, Amanda, hop into the new SUV and spend some time practicing parallel parking. Well, the practice session isn’t going so well and it’s capped off when Jack backs into a parked car. The physical damage is minimal but Jack’s confidence has to be hurting going into his driving test. Jack has to take the eye test, written exam, questions on the functions of his car and the proper hand signals, and (finally) the actual driving practical. Things don’t get too tricky until Jack soaks his instructor with windshield wiper fluid and can’t remember his hand signals. He has some minor mistakes like turning right when his instructor asks him to get in the left lane. Otherwise, Jack does a first-rate job (especially, considering his recent accident) and he passes! The only downer is his heap of hair won’t fit into the picture on his license.

Episode 1- The Show Must Go Oz

The third season begins with the addition of canine cast members, as new dogs join the Osbourne family. This brings the grand total number of dogs up to 13. Ozzy jokingly suggests that Sharon buy more dogs so that he can shoot them as a hobby. Sharon receives a nasty little note from the producers of her talk show telling her that she needed to step the show up a notch, so Sharon begins begging her family to appear on her show. Kelly refuses. Jack declines his mom's offer by politely hanging up the phone. Finally, Ozzy tells Sharon that she is "out of her bloody mind." Sharon persists in her requests but Ozzy insists that there is much to be done around the house. Meanwhile, the Osbornes are getting their backyard landscaped complete with 980 pound ornamental gold Buddha. After constant pleading and many different strategies in her begging, Ozzy finally relents and agrees to be a guest on the Sharon Osbourne Show. Ozzy thought that he was just going to be a guest on the Halloween show. It turns out that Sharon lied to Ozzy, and he is a co-host. Sharon apologizes and all is forgiven as Ozzy takes his throne and slides into the co-host role. In fact, the Prince of Darkness receives a standing ovation from the costume-clad audience.

Season 2

Episode 19- Bye Bye Babies

Jack and Robby are preparing for a three week trip to their house in England and Kelly is packing up to go on tour for three weeks. To not waste any precious time Sharon has left with her baby, she and Ozzy observe Jack while he packs. Jack breaks out his breathalyzer test! Ozzy fails it and blames it on the gum he's chewing. Sharon doesn't believe that for a second and asks Jack to leave the breathalyzer with her. The next morning, as Jack and Rob pack their things into the car, they discover a stowaway; Lola. Kelly is packing her things, with her parents' supervision, and Kelly breaks out her breathalyzer and Ozzy gets busted again! And this time there's no gum to blame for his astounding .5 alcohol level. With all of the kids gone, the Osbourne household is rather quiet. Ozzy, takes to eating carrot cake everyday for every meal and spends a great deal of time trying to get the original keyboard working that was used when Black Sabbath toured over twenty years ago. Lola is obviously depressed and not even Ozzy's failed attempts at fetch can cheer her up. Sharon is suffering from empty-nest syndrome and begins hatching a plan to get Minnie pregnant! Meanwhile, in Buckingshire, England, Jack introduces Rob to their "real dogs" and shows him around their old house. Rob, an apparent budding interior decorator has a negative comment for every room. They waste very little time in planning their first party and despite the promise they made to Sharon that they wouldn't play with guns or ride bikes drunk, they do just that. Luckily the three weeks pass and all Sharon's babies return home safe and sound.

Episode 18- Angler Management

Seventeen years--that's how long it has taken Ozzy to take his son fishing. The day has finally arrived and Ozzy is overcome with anticipation. Once they're all aboard they head to the docks where their boat, the New Del Mar, or the "Titanic" as Ozzy calls it, is waiting for them. After meeting their crew, Ozzy, Jack and friends decide that it will be extremely entertaining to throw firecrackers off the back of the boat at the seagulls. However, the captain of the boat doesn't find this as entertaining and puts a stop to their fun. The group decides to bet fifty dollars on who can catch the largest fish. Everyone catches on rather quickly--everyone but Ozzy. He's still fishless! Every fish the others reel in looks identical to the previous fish. Only to add to Ozzy's frustration, Tony catches five fish at the same time. Ozzy feels a tug and everyone gathers around to encourage him. It's just a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi can. He's a little upset but says that if anyone catches a "case of Corona" let him know. Finally, Ozzy gets a break when a real fish is actually on his hook. But as luck would have it, when he reels it in the scavenging pelicans steal the fish away. All in all, it was a great day on the boat and Ozzy is extremely stoked that he finally got to go fishing with his son. They conclude their male bonding by relieving themselves by some trash cans on the way home.

Episode 17- A Little Ditty 'Bout Jack and Brienann

Love is in the air at the Osbourne house. Our boy Jack meets up with Courtney Love and her current houseguest, Brienann and Jack is immediately smitten with Brienann. Jack is so taken with Courtney's friend that he ignores some odd behavior from Ms. Love, which includes running around in her panties, and reenacting a scene from "Macbeth" with her dollies. Though this might seem a little hard to believe, Kelly calls Courtney one of the most intelligent people she's ever met. Brienann becomes a regular houseguest at the Osbournes and Jack seems to be wooing her with instant foods. He makes her frozen pizza. He makes her E-Z mac. He makes her Ramen noodles. And nothing says 'romance' like sharing a bag of beef jerky in the back of a car. Ozzy has less luck getting attention from his object of affection, Sharon. He's written a new song and can't get Sharon to stay still long enough to listen to him read his lyrics. Later on, though, he plays a recording of his new song to Jack and Brienann, who both approve. Sharon corners Jack at the end of the episode to finally see the tattoo he's gotten (Kelly told on him). It turns out to be a white heart on his back with the word "mum" in the middle, which he got right after he found out she had cancer. Sharon isn't mad at all, and gives Jack a big hug in appreciation.

Episode 16- Tennis Racket

Hard to believe, but it’s the next-door neighbors who make all the noise--not Ozzy and the kids. In fact, the neighbors’ new tennis court is just a few feet away from the house, and when they start playing Crazy Town while practicing their backhands, Sharon declares that she’s ready to “burn their house down.” Ozzy and Jack take a more proactive approach, with Jack moving his drum kit to the backyard. The never-ending tennis games also bother Ozzy and Sharon while they’re trying to enjoy quiet time in their back yard. Ozzy tries to fight back by playing screaming heavy metal, but it doesn’t stop the neighbors for one second. Jack tries a night attack by shooting pink paintballs onto the neighbors’ tennis court while they’re asleep. The neighbors call the police and Jack is almost busted. The neighbors complain about more than just paintballs on their court--they accuse the Osbourne cats of "dumping" on their property and ask Sharon and Ozzy to clean up the cat mess and the cat hair off their furniture. They refuse, of course, then one family cat goes missing. Then another. Then another. Sharon’s sure it’s the neighbors taking revenge on them. Ozzy thinks it might be coyotes. Kelly has a solution--buy another cat that looks just like their beloved Gus, and Ozzy will never know the difference.

Episode 15- Moma I'm Stayin' Home

What's going on at the Osbourne house this week? Not a lot--most of the family has gone to New York City. Ozzy decides to stay behind and take some alone time. The most exciting news is that Melinda is pregnant!Melinda's really excited and she shares the news with Jack and Kelly while in New York. Back at home, Ozzy relishes the quiet household--until Rob starts blasting Sean Paul's "Get Busy." It bothers Ozzy--not so much because it's loud, but because Ozzy can't get the song out of his head later on. Other activities that fill Ozzy's time without the family: watching two of the dogs go at it in a lewd display of canine affection, shopping for kitchen utensils, and picking out good English candy for Sharon. Sharon keeps busy as well, including wrestling with Kelly in their hotel room. Kelly fights dirty this time--she licks Sharon on the face when she pins her mom down. The match ends when Kelly drags her mother out of the hotel room by the leg.

Episode 14- Fists of Fury

With Sharon and Ozzy going to Hawaii for four days, Jack's looking to have some Risky Business-style fun at the Osbourne house. To keep things moderately under control, Sharon makes sure Kelly, Melinda, and a bunch of security guards are at the house to keep Jack in check. As Jack's random guests make their way to the house and get in the pool, Kelly gets increasingly frustrated with the lack of quiet at the house. It's near 3 a.m., she's got an interview tomorrow, but Jack could care less when he's got girls in wet t-shirts in such close proximity. They get into an argument, and when Jack dares Kelly to hit him, she takes him on, and punches him in the face. Jack grabs her throat and pushes her down in return. They have to be separated to keep from tearing each other apart, and Jack threatens to "knock the bitch out," if Kelly swings at him again. Melinda has to call Sharon, who tries to be patient as each of her children tells their side of the story. Meanwhile, security keeps phoning up Melinda to let her know that some of the guests are too drunk to make it home, making Kelly refer to their house as "the f*cking Osbourne Inn." Luckily, Jack and Kelly have a tendency to make up almost as quickly as they get into fights. They bond over a shared bowl of Easy Mac, and all is well again in the Osbourne house.

Episode 13: Run Ozzy Run

Ozzy's got a lot to be happy about on his 54th birthday; he's got a great wife and kids, a fantastic music career, and he's in the best shape of his life. Almost. His trainer tries to get Ozzy to jog a whole five miles on his birthday, but Ozzy's new shoes bother him and he quits at just over a mile. The next day, Ozzy and his trainer try to make the five-mile run. This time Ozzy is successful, although his trainer's own level of super-fitness causes Ozzy to question his trainer's species. Ozzy says his trainer never sweats, never drinks water, and never has to "take a piss," leading Ozzy to proclaim his trainer to be Satan himself. Then again, who better to whip the Prince of Darkness into shape?

Episode 12: Flea's a Crowd

Fleas seem to have invaded the extended Osbourne family. All of the dogs are scratching every chance they get. Kelly also has Sharon worried when she declares she's flying to Philadelphia to visit her boyfriend Burt, who's on tour with his band, The Used. Sharon starts crying once Kelly actually begins packing for her trip, even though Ozzy and Kelly both beg her just to be happy. Later on, Sharon and Ozzy discuss the flea situation, which is so out of hand by now that visitors are complaining of severe fleabites whenever they leave the Osbourne house. Sharon orders new furniture to combat the infestation. The niceness wears off in about a day after one of the dogs decides the sofa needs an inaugural urination. When Kelly gets back she shows off her new nose piercing and threatens to get a chain from her nose to her earring if Sharon asks her to take it out one more time. Later on, Sharon gets to say, "I told you so," when Kelly accidentally forgets about her new piercing and mistakes it for an insect and hurts herself trying to swat it off her face.

Episode 11: What a Boy Wants

It's getting close to Jack's 17th birthday but the real excitement at the Osbourne house is over the escalading drama between Kelly and Christina Aguilera. Sharon claims it started last Christmas when Kelly made some comments at a dinner party about Christina, and it's been downhill since then, with Kelly calling Christina, "One of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world," among other things. Meanwhile Ozzy goes to the dentist for a regular checkup.

Episode 9: Viva Ozz-Vegas

The family packs up the jet plane and heads to Vegas, where Ozzy performs a concert and Kelly celebrates her 18th Birthday. Too young to legally drink or gamble, Jack ends up stuck in his hotel room watching TV with his buddies. Kelly and her friend, Sara, go on a rampage, which includes Sara performing a striptease to the dismay of Ozzy, Sharon, and other horrified adults and Kelly going toe-to-toe with Jack and his friends.

Episode 8: Cleanliness is Next to Ozzyness

Ozzy, is obsessed with keeping all house pets and germs away from Sharon and he makes everyone in the house get a flu shot. Jack bonds with Robert, the newest member of the Osbourne family and shows him an important family tradition--how to make beans on toast. Ozzy finds out that he won't be able to have sex with Sharon for 9 months...

Episode 7: It's a Hard Knock Life

Kelly is starting to feel the pressure of being a Pop Diva, as she throws a flurry of temper tantrums regarding her ever-busy work schedule. Meanwhile, Sharon is convinced that Kelly should marry P. Diddy, who bought Kelly an expensive watch after one of his bodyguards knocked her over at a backstage party. Jack works through some problems with one of the bands that he manages. Kelly plays her new single for Ozzy, who is very proud of her.

Episode 6: Meow Means No!

Kelly's friend Sara is fired from her band. Gus the cat and Arthur the dog are caught in an uncompromising position. And Jack's lovable, freeloading friend, Jason Dill, returns to pay the family a visit! (There is still no concrete evidence that Dill actually has lice. )

Episode 5: Smells Like Teen Spirits

Jack and Kelly are getting a little too wild with their partying lifestyle. Sharon and her father, Don, are reunited after twenty years of not speaking to each other. Ozzy, on a burrito eating binge, finds out that he's a grandfather and eats more burritos. Da-na Da Da-na Da Da-na!

Episode 4: The Beauty and The Bert

Love rears its ugly head in the Osbourne household, as Kelly reluctantly brings home her first boyfriend, Bert. Ozzy, like most dads, is completely oblivious, while Jack spends the days gossiping about her new beau and his showering habits, or lack there of. Sharon is beside herself with motherly concern over this smelly rocker. Clearly jealous that he has Kelly's attention, Sharon does her best to thwart the romance. Kelly, as you could guess is not pleased. Bleep Counter: 69

Episode 3: The Ozz Man and The Sea

Kelly takes off for her European singing tour. Jack makes his acting debut on "Dawson's Creek" and Ozzy battles the elements trying to build a fire for Sharon on the beach at Malibu. Ozzy's fire-building exploits include: a trip to the supermarket to shop for firewood and a visit to the Malibu Fire station to inquire about a permit. Ozzy, not exactly known as the rugged, outdoorsman type, caps it off with a comical attempt at deep-sea fishing. Bleep Counter: 34

Episode 2: ...Must Come Down

Disaster strikes as Sharon is diagnosed with colon cancer. Ozzy tries to remain sober on the road with the help of his spiritually enlightened AA sponsor. Kelly is in New York working on her album, and Jack vies for attention by breaking his arm while jumping off a Malibu pier. Bleep Counter: 44

Episode 1: What Goes Up...

Kelly is well on her way to becoming a pop diva with "Papa Don't Preach" saturating the airwaves, Ozzy and Sharon are in the thick of the limelight as they are invited to a presidential reception at the White House, and Jack, well, he is holding down the fort by giving unwanted visitors a small shower. After her performance at the MTV movie awards, Kelly and Jack playfully argue on the ride home, as Jack rediscovers the joys of the 'McRib.' How could life get any better? Bleep Counter: 35

Catching up with the Osbournes-Bleep Counter: 31 Season 1

Episode 10: Dinner With Ozzy

In the final episode this season, we take a look back. In a slight variation from the rest of the season, this final episode features Ozzy being served a full multi-course meal in a controlled, Masterpiece Theatre-esque set while imparting to us pearls of Oz-wisdom; never-before- and before-seen clips illustrate his teachings.

Episode 9: A Very Ozzy Christmas Ozzy: "I hate Christmas! I f***ing hate it!" It just ain't Christmas until the family is bickering, Dad is boasting tirelessly about his gravy, and the security guard has been arrested for breaking into a local home while the parents are on a nationwide rock tour, is it?

Episode 8: No Vagrancy

Jack's pro-skating friend, Jason Dill, moves into the house, leaving broken griddles and hair-goo in his wake. It’s a battle of messy proportions as the family dukes it out over who will stay and who will go. Bleep counter: 58

Episode 7: On the Road Again

Ozzy celebrates Thanksgiving in a traditional disfunctional manner. Kelly feels like no one in interested in her. Ozzy, while telling us that he should never drink, gets ripped on wine and then tries to walk Lola. It doesn't work out too well. Ozzy is fed up with his meddling family. Ozzy then goes out on tour alone, forbidding the family to come along, but Sharon goes anyways. Bleep counter: 51

Episode 6: Break a Leg

Ozzy breaks his leg and postpones the rest of the tour. While mending at home, Ozzy realizes that Jack and Kelly have turned the house into an after-hours nightclub. Sharon and Ozzy hold a family meeting during which they lay down the law to their wayward teens.

Episode 5: Tour of Duty

Ozzy and Sharon work out the details of Ozzy's upcoming Merry Mayhem tour, including effects, pre-concert videos, radio interviews, etc. Meanwhile, Kelly is on a shopping spree with Ozzy's gold credit card--which she loses! Scenes include: Ozzy & Sharon arguing over concert effects (The Prince of Darkness has a bubble-machine!) and Ozzy's upset about his workload (Back-to-Back shows). We also see Ozzy's aerobic workout in full spandex gear and other pre-concert preparations, including demonic dwarfs and a heroin chic Santa Claus!

Episode 4: Would you be my neighbor?

Sharon, is the focus of episode 4. Ozzy and Family are kept awake every night by loud neighbors. The neighbors play loud music that annoys them. But watch out when Sharon strikes back.Bleep counter: 60

Episode 3: Like Father, Like Daughter

Ozzy's new album comes out and a promo tour kicks into high gear. Meanwhile, Jack reluctantly attends a school sponsored "hippie" camp getaway and the family unites for Kelly's birthday celebration, where she shows off her new tattoo--much to Sharon's dismay. Scenes include: Ozzy's in-store appearance at Tower Records, as well as his interview on KROQ's Loveline, where Ozzy reveals that he's on Viagra.

Episode 2: Bark at the Moon

This episode goes to the dogs as the family tries to figure out what to do with all of them. Kelly lets us know just how far up her crack her thong is, Ozzy reveals his hatred of vacuum cleaners and Billy Corgan, and Elijah Wood cleans up dog pee. Bleep Counter: 70 (wow)

Episode 1: There Goes The Neighborhood

Tension mounts as The Osbournes move into their palatial digs in Beverly Hills. Ozzy appears on the Tonight Show. Complicating the situation is an ongoing feud between Jack and Kelly. Scenes include: Ozzy learning to work the remote control and we get to meet 'Michael,' the Osbourne's security guard, who shows us his blood clot.Bleep Counter: 57