Dill(the weird Houseguest): I was always the middle, little kid!!! Well, actually. (thinks) I was the LAST kid.
Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all f***ing mad.
Ozzy: What do you want me to do with my gun Sharon? Put it under my bed? Sharon: Whatever you want to do with it. Ozzy: I'll put it under my bed! (Runs off like an excited five year old.)
Kelly: Your valet guy just farted in my car and it smells un-godly.
Sharon: Did anybody feed the dogs today? Kelly: NO!!!
Ozzy: Don't drink. Don't do drugs. And if you have sex, wear a condom!
Sharon: How are you getting there? Jack: We're walking. Sharon: Jack. Jack: We're driving. Sharon: Who's driving? Jack: A man with no legs.
Kelly (about Jack’s camp): They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself. Ozzy: How the f**k you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?
Ozzy (hugging Sharon): Merry Christmas.... now f**k off.
Sharon: Oh, this is nice. (Sharon picks up a bottle Jack Daniels belonging to Dill) Kelly: Mom...put it back. Sharon: No, i'm gonna take a piss in it and then put it back. Kelly: Mom, are you NUTS?!
Kelly: I don't really care what people think about my hair. It's my hair, so why should they care? Ooh, that rhymed.
Kelly: (after she was about to piss in the bottle)It's just as bad as when you s**t in dad's bag of weed when we were in Hawaii.
Sharon: Where's Jack? Ozzy: He's up in his room planning his future.
Ozzy: maybe we have too many dogs. (from jhalacy)
Ozzy: (puts coins in his own slot machine and talks about Jack) I don't really care if he does hate ... hey I won! (from jhalacy)
Sharon: I'm Ozzy Osbournes wife! Now shut the f**k up and go to bed!
Sharon: We're not the f**king partridge family!
Jack: Do you drink much? Jason Dill: Yeah, I drink a lot. Jack: Are you drunk? Jason Dill: No, not yet.
Kelly: They were making fun of dad. They said you were a crazy whore. Sharon: (laughs)Well, they're right with that one.Submit your faves here!
Sharon: Ozzy. Ozzy No. Ozzy no not wood! No, no, no, no, no, no, here's the fruit! Not wood, you could be picked up for manslaughter!! (from CaRLsOnDaCoUrT)
Jack: I'm an ass kickin' fat kid! Ozzy: What? Jack: Nothing. (from CaRLsOnDaCoUrT)
Kelly: As a matter of fact Amiee is wearing one of my thongs right now and it's been up my crack and now its up hers and i'm not down with that. (from Andreaiscool1)
Kelly: My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business. (from Andreaiscool1)
Ozzy: Beam me up Scotty. (from Andreaiscool1)
Sharon (talking to kelly): We should have called you Vagina Osbourne. (from Andreaiscool1)
Ozzy: Who pissed? Who pissed on my carpet? That f***ing dog man i'm going to throw it in the f***ing pool. Get the f**k outta my house, get the f**k out. (from Andreaiscool1)
Sharon: Its a dog therapist. Shes going to help us with the dogs. Ozzy: Dog therapist? We don't need a dog therapist, we just need to get up at 7 and open the f***ing door. (from Andreaiscool1)
Jack: Mom! Its the cops! Its the cops! I'm gonna get nicked, I'm gonna get nicked! (from Andreaiscool1)
When Ozzy makes the gravy for Christmas dinner and he keeps saying "We did a great job with this gravy", and Sharon said "Were gonna here about this F***ing gravy". (from moryan1313)
Ozzy: That dog that f***king dog, its part of Bin Ladens f***ing gang. (from alex.weaver1)
Ozzy: JACK! Jack: Yeah? Ozzy: Can you get this f***ing comp.. this television to work Ozzy: (talking to the camera) I'm a very simple man you gota have like computer knowledge to turn the tv on and off, man. i like press this one button and the showers comes on! and i'm like, whats happening man? where am i? Ozzy: (back in the lounge) JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jack: COMING! (from alex.weaver1)
Sharon: I want thoose tits that start here i've got nothing here Kelly: If you get a boob job, i'll never talk to you again Sharon: But i want thoose things that start here Kelly: Mum, you dont need that, i dont have that Sahron: Melinda does! Kelly, well thats because Melinda has the hugest jungers in the one time world (from alex.weaver1)
Ozzy: Shush the f*ck up, i'm trying to talk and your pissing me off!...ooh red ferrari! (from BLaZe2316)
Kelly (talking about the girl drummer): I know she's an amazing drummer, but I don't want an all chick band Jack: It's not gonna be an all chick band, thats being sexualist, kelly! Kelly: No, it's just saying...Jack, it's not SEXUALIST. Jack: That's sexualist... Kelly: Jack...you just made up a word. (from BLaZe2316)
Kelly: Shut up, Dad! Ozzy: Why are you so goddamn f***ing rude to me? Kelly: Because your talking about, I don't wanna go to the hospital unless they give me heroine! I'm sorry, i just don't wanna hear you talk about things like that! (smiles) Ozzy: ...I love you. Kelly: F**ck off!(from BLaZe2316)
Sharon(to neighbor): We're very religous people,so if you come just before we go to church that would be fine (from gwyn.griffith)
Ozzy (looking at the doll of himself): I look like Satan's f**king cousin. I wish I had teeth like that (from BulldogPitcher7)
Kelly: mum mum MUM! where the hell is it oh my god please tell me where the f**k is it Sharon: she's s**tting herself because she's lost her dads credit card Kelly: I'm gonna go check the car Sharon: i can't belive it America is the only f**king country that lets you use other peoples f**king credit card and..... Kelly: i found oh god i found it thank god MUM! MUM! Sharon: she's found it thats the last time her dad will let her use that (from kiwi and tilly)
Jack: (gasp) McRib is back! Kelly: Are you serious, Jack? You're getting excited over the McRib. Jack: You know, it's the little things that count! You wish you could get excited over little things like that! Kelly: And you're gettiong excited over the McRib! Jack goes (gasp) McRib is back! Jack: You know, f**k you! F**k you and your little, singing thingy! (from MLernerbig)(I edited it a little)
Kelly: I'm gonna shove a banana up your ass! Bend over bitch! Jack: Kelly, there are people in Somalia that'll die for a banana!
Sharon: i love you ozzy ( putting her head face-down in ozzys lap) Ozzy: are we gonna have sex now? (from Angelbabi0493014)
Sharon:Jack! you have the biggest f**kin uni-brow in the world! (from Karen)
