A Plan for the Improvement of English
Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter
"c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for
all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th"
rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
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Important notice to all EEC-countries:
Euro Language
The European Commission just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favor of the "k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ex-
pekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the
language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar,
peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and
"w" with "v".
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it esi tu understand
ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!
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The William Gates Wall of Shame
Question: What is Windows?
Answer: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4
bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't
stand 1 bit of competition, and cares 0 bits about its
customers!
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...and Bill said: "It's different software, can't be
helped!"
( guess what ? He lied ! )
HACK TURNS NT
WORKSTATION
INTO NT SERVER
It seems that by setting two values in the Windows
Registry you can turn an NT Workstation operating
system into the much more expensive and capable
Windows NT Server.
Different software they are not.
It's the same software with a switch of configurations for
control features and performance. Is Microsoft guilty of
foul mendacity, or are they just sharp business
competitors? You judge.
It makes for fun reading, especially the jingoistic and
detailed hack article.
(thanks to Netsurfer Digest: Vol 02 #29)
