By MARTIN GABAYA
      SOLNEWS STAFF WRITER
 

At the Ivar Theater in Hollywood, the show is sold out.  Twelve numbers, though some probably don’t deserve to be called as such.  They’re more like fillers.  The first performance sets the tone.  Women removing tops.  Actually, that’s not so bad.  Rating:  a Vodka martini.  Then came the flamenco dancer.  It was comparable to watching grass grow…in Sudan.  Rating:  a cold cup of decaffeinated, Folgers instant coffee.  I mean, come on, the clapping and foot stomping didn’t even flow with the guitar music, which was the only thing that saved this performance from getting a Tijuana tap water rating.

After what seemed to be an eternity, a bunch of teenyboppers took the stage and performed a three-minute, hip-hop piece that included a rendition of J-Lo’s hit single, “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.” Apparently, neither did the choreographer. The dancing could have been a bit more, well, how do the English say it…?  Put together.  Rating:  a cherry Slurpee.  There were other numbers but none remarkable enough to remember.

Shaft dominates second half


The second half opened with an upbeat Salsa number that showcased legs and sequin costumes, but mostly legs.  There were guys on stage?  Rating:  Bass Ale on tap.  (Hey, that’s expensive beer, okay?)  The highlight of the evening was an act titled, Shaft, but that didn’t come until later.  Way later.  Before it came a lengthy performance that began with a man whistling over the opening of a bottle.  Interesting.  The three dancers that appeared after him seemed to have no purpose or connection with the rest of the number.  If they stopped at that point, it would have mustered a Snapple Iced Tea.  No such luck.  A dancer, who had been lying at the rear of the stage throughout the whistling and dancers’ shenanigans, got her lemon-lime-colored, unitard-covered body up and began dancing like there was no tomorrow.  Well, it seemed like tomorrow when it finally ended. This one won the Tijuana tap water trophy.  Seriously, that act was as poisonous as anything flowing in TJ pipes.

So, when tomorrow arrived, it was time for Shaft.  I’m talking John Shaft.  He’s a complicated man…shut my mouth!  One spectator called it perhaps the evening’s best-choreographed number. Performed by the eight members of the J Strauss Jazz dance ensemble, Shaft’s chief attraction was the bold movements of Jennifer Wolf, who played a lusty hooker-type complete in fishnet stockings and knee-high boots.  When asked if the outfit was part of her normal attire, she responded with a resounding, “No, this [skirt] is actually the only thing I own. [It’s] from Contempo Casuals.”  Just for the record, however, the fishnets have been worn previously.  Shaft’s rating?  A glass of champagne.  If you throw in Jenn’s hoop earrings, it earns a bottle of Dom Perignon.