Breaking Noose
Hi All
Wow! Has there ever been a lot of news lately. I don’t usually report the news – just my slant on what’s going on in the world – but this crop has been almost too good to be believed. So I just have to pass it on to you.
First off, let me say that SOME of you may have heard that President Bush, in a fit of human decency, had decided to cancel April 15th for those people who have procrastinated on their taxes. Well, my unbiased sources tell me that the person who reported that is full of beans! You still have to pay your taxes. Sorry. And now, on to the REAL news.
In a stunning announcement, today all the countries in the Middle East announced that they can’t believe they have been such hateful lunkheads and are putting down their arms immediately to embrace one another as brothers.
Said one young man, as he ripped the bombs off his chest, “We are all the same under the skin. Why should we hate each other?”
President Bush called a press conference today to say that there is no reason for Condoleezza Rice to testify. In a sudden departure from past statements, he said “There ain’t no reason for Condie to testify. Ev’ryone knows that I didn’t really have no cause for invading Iraq other than the fact of that there Saddam feller making my Daddy look like a fool. I knew they didn’t have no weapons of mass destruction and that they weren’t involved in 9-11, but, geez, what’s a good son to do?”
In a related announcement, deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has said that he bears no ill will toward President Bush or the United States of America. In fact, Saddam’s French lawyer has hinted that another hat may be tossed into the ring of our presidential Three-Ring-Circus soon. He coyly stated that Saddam’s English is no worse than California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. And he’s at least as famous.
The Alaskan pipeline has unearthed an amazing source of oil, it was announced today by the head of the largest petroleum company on Earth – Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. There is enough oil in that pocket to meet the growing needs of the US for time immemorial. And, gas prices will drop to two cents a gallon because it’s so plentiful.
A study recently undertaken by the Faux Research Company of West Virginia has determined that Americans are among the most gullible people on the face of the Earth. “I mean, really,” stated chief researcher Findin D. Facks, “look at how easily we fall for scams. Look at the sheer number of emails that are forwarded on, even though we really should know that AOL, nor Microsoft is going to pay us for forwarding emails! Look at how many people readily give up their money to help some deposed dictator get at his own for a huge reward.” At that point in the news conference, researcher Facks had to rush home because a phone call had just informed him that his refrigerator was running.
In a surprise announcement, I have just now decided to run for president. I am tossing my Alan Kulwicki hat into the ring. I figure I can’t be any worse than the choices we have and may be better than most. “The decision came to me suddenly,” I announced in front of a crowd of stuffed animals and dust bunnies. “I figured if Saddam Hussein could run for president, so could I. And my decision was clinched by the recent study on the gullibility of Americans. It seems to be too good of an opportunity to pass up. I would like to introduce my running mate, Stitch Crowley. He’s a very fine stuffed cat. And I will offer many key appointments to the people or things that treat me nicest. So, go on. Start treating me nice.”
Oh, one more thing. April Fool!!
Until next time, take care
Foolishly,
Leslie
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