Just some good ol' Fun!!

The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?" Sarah says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give you a cookie."

Some Shallow Thoughts just for yoU!

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
Optimistic apathy: things will work out, but if they don't who cares?
It takes money to make money, because you have to copy the design exactly.
Even if you can't carry a tune, you can still karaoke.
Are you having a salmon day at work? That's where you spend the entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
A good submissive is hard to beat.
I heard you had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.
The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three.
"I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun!"
A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!

Things not to say during sex!
Is it in?
That's it?
You've got to be kidding me.
Do I have to pay for this?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
You look better in the dark.
This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole....
Don't tell my husband/wife.
This sucks.
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! Is that all you know what to do?
Did I tell you, I have herpes?
Now we must get married.
Hurry up, the games about to start.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?
By the way, I want to break up.
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven't you ever done this before?
What's your name again?
Do I have to be here in the morning?
A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
But you just started!
Don't touch that!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!
Take off that damn monkey glove!
Get your hand out of there!
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!
Wow, that is small!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
You're fogging up the wind-sheild.
Can I borrow five bucks?
What the hell noise was that?
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
You know, you're not really attractive.
I'm sorry, I was not listening.
Stop interrupting me!
I have to poop.
Did I leave the iron on?
Your breath is funky.
It's okay honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
I wish you were a real woman.
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
Oh, Sharon, Sharon,... I mean Hilda.... dang.
You're hairy.
Is it okay if I never see you again?
Don't make that face at me!
All of a sudden I have a headache.
You're boring.
Would you shave my back after this.
How much do I owe you?
Just use your finger, its bigger.
Does your family have to watch?
We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
Get off me, I'll do it myself!
Can you hold this sandwhich for me?
You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No, I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
You got boogies showing.
I think I just pooped on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!

What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?," she said, to which he responded, "I'm not really sure." "Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Extra-large condoms to checkout." A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked. "Sure, but size do you need?," she said, to which he said, "Well, I don't know." "Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout." The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left. Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl. "Yep," she said, "what size do you need?" "I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout!"

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done. What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while
rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my
mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The
2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering
up his teacher?

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

~Don't Sweat the Petty Things
Don't Pet the Sweaty Things
~24 Hours in a day. 24 Beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!!
~ They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
~Welcome to Arizona. 100 years of history unimpeded by Progress.
~The Dark Ages Was Caused by the Y1K problem.
~ If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal
~A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
~ When blondes have more fun do they know it?
~ Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
~I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit
~ He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
~ I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes
~Time is fun when you're having flies.
~ Red Meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy Green Meat is bad for you
~ Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.
~ If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
~All Power Corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
~ If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
~Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
~ Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either
~ A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~ Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
~ Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks
~ Gun Control: Use both hands.
~ Remember: First you Pillage, then you Burn.
~To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
~If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
~ Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs
~Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake.

~ Half The People In The World Are Below Average.
~ Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
~ I want to die while asleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
~Save The Whales. Collect a whole set.
~ Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
~ I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
~If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
~if we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
~ Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The 3 Little Moles". (Sorry, bears day off)
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said,
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried and tried to reach his little head outside the
hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Finally, he was able to get thru...know what he said?
The baby mole said, "hmmm,...
the only thing I can smell is molasses!"

*** Some very perplexing questions ***
~If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
~Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
~Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl."
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"

Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."

So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.

"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."

A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

States' Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
India: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

You know you're gay when:

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to "air kiss".
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you
did in high school.
36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don't mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity
47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...
~You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
~You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
~You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
~You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
~You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
~You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
~You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
~You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
~You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
~You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
~You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
~You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".
~You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
~You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
~You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
~You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
~You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
~You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
~You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
~At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
~You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
~The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
~You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

Whistle through his pecker.
He heard the chicken was a slut.
They don't have time.
Typical man, they won't ask for directions.
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock.
It's sex with someone they love.
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
You need a rough draft before you have the final copy.
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.