~Don't Sweat the Petty Things
Don't Pet the Sweaty Things
~24 Hours in a day. 24 Beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!!
~ They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
~Welcome to Arizona. 100 years of history unimpeded by Progress.
~The Dark Ages Was Caused by the Y1K problem.
~ If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal
~A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
~ When blondes have more fun do they know it?
~ Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
~I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit
~ He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
~ I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes
~Time is fun when you're having flies.
~ Red Meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy Green Meat is bad for you
~ Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.
~ If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
~All Power Corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
~ If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
~Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
~ Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either
~ A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~ Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
~ Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks
~ Gun Control: Use both hands.
~ Remember: First you Pillage, then you Burn.
~To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
~If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
~ Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs
~Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake.
~ Half The People In The World Are Below Average.
~ Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
~ I want to die while asleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
~Save The Whales. Collect a whole set.
~ Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
~ I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
~If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
~if we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
~ Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
India: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works
You know you're gay when:
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to "air kiss".
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you
did in high school.
36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don't mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity
47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...
~You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
~You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
~You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
~You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
~You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
~You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
~You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
~You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
~You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
~You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
~You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
~You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".
~You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
~You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
~You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
~You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
~You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
~You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
~You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
~At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
~You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
~The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
~You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
~WHAT CAN A BIRD DO THAT A MAN CAN'T?
Whistle through his pecker.
~WHY DID THE MAN CROSS THE ROAD?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
~WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have time.
~WHY DOES IT TAKE ONE MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
Typical man, they won't ask for directions.
~WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
~WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
~WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.
~WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LAY ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock.
~WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It's sex with someone they love.
~WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS LARGER THAN DOGS?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
~WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?
You need a rough draft before you have the final copy.
~WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
~HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.
30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.