Heretics & Fundies

A letter written by Diabolus, addressed to notorious fundies:

Dear Friend,

The reason you are getting this is because you wanted to know. You had a question and you went to those who would answer, and this is the best thing we can come up with for you.

1. Do we hate God?

NO. Do you hate unicorns? Now it's true that unicorns (and God) might exist-- neither is verifiable though-- but having hatred for something that one doesn't even think exists is silly and pointless.

2. Do we hate Christians?

NO. Believe what you want, BUT when a Christian comes into our lives and insists on forcing their beliefs onto us, AND INSIST THAT THEIR BELIEFS ARE TRUTH, we get annoyed. Why? Well, would you not get annoyed if someone told you that Satan is the Lord, 10, 20, 30 times every day? And insisted that if you didn't agree, you were obviously stupid, uneducated, perverted, lacking love, and going to writhe in eternal torment in Hell? YES you'd get annoyed. But it is as you preach-- hate the sin, not the sinner. I hate hypocrisy and being forced to others beliefs; as, I'm sure, you do as well.

3. Is God a myth?

YES, according to definitions. Look:

myth (noun)

[Greek mythos]

First appeared 1830

1 a : a usu. traditional story of ostensibly historical events that serves to unfold part of the world view of a people or explain a practice, belief, or natural phenomenon


2 a : a popular belief or tradition that has grown up around something or someone; especially : one embodying the ideals and institutions of a society or segment of society

b : an unfounded or false notion

3 : a person or thing having only an imaginary or unverifiable existence

This definition is taken from the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary which, most would agree, is responsible for defining the words we use in English (such as "myth"). Note the phrases above that are in bold; these are the most important.

Is the idea of God used to explain historical events or natural phenomenon? Yes; Jesus is the son of God and thus was resurrected, or God created the Earth, and that is how we are here. The Bible is filled with such explanations, and the Bible's idea of God IS A MYTH by definition. Does this mean that God does NOT exist? NO. It means that God is a myth.

Secondly, is belief in Jesus as God a popular notion that has grown up around a person? Of course! Christianity is a popular belief ESPECIALLY concerned with the events and life and spirituality of one Jesus of Nazareth. Thus, this concept of God is a myth by this definition as well. Again, does this mean that God doesn't exist? Nope. Just that God is a myth.

Thirdly, does God have a verifiable existence? The BIBLE does not verify God's existence; it simply gives us a concept and idea of God. It cannot confirm God's existence without being self-confirming, and self-confirming sources are NOT verifiable. For example, could I write a book that explained that I was made of rubber? Yes, but is that verification that I AM made of rubber? No. You would need to look for yourself, test me physically, and record my rubber-ish nature in order to VERIFY that I was rubber. The Bible is not an exception to this rule of verification. IF God were verified as existing, there would be no need for faith. Thus God is not verified, and is a myth according by definition.

4. Are we all Devil-worshippers?

I currently know of NO devil-worshippers at all.

In conclusion, I hope this letter has been informative to you. If not, feel free to e-mail me back. And please be kind and do NOT try to convert us in Life - goD Is A Myth, we do not try to make Atheists out of you. Have a happy Easter.

Most sincerely,

~your friend

But then, Diabolus was so kind as to translate the letter into Fundiespeak, so that they may better understand:

Daih' Homie,

Da raison yo' ass be gittin' dis be becuz yo' ass wanted t' know. Yo' ass had some quesshun an' yo' ass went t' dose-dair who would answa', an' dis be da damn best shit we kin come down wit' 4 yo' ass. 1. Step off, Pharoah. Do we hate da damn Lord? N-O. Do yo' ass hate unicorns? Now it be true dat unicorns (down low, an' da damn Lord) might 'esist-- neitha' be verifiable though-- but havin' hatred 4 sump'n dat one doesn't even think 'esists be silly an' pointless. 2. Do we hate Christians? N-O. Recon' whut yo' ass want, B-U-fuckin'-T when some Christian comes into our lives an' insists on forcin' deir beliefs onto us, A-N I-N-S-I-S-fuckin'-T D-A-fuckin'-T D-E-I-fuckin'-R B-E-L-I-E-F-fuckin'-S B-E T-R-Dubba-O-fuckin'-F, we git annoyed. Yo' mama. Y? Well, would yo' ass not git annoyed if somecat told yo' ass dat Satan be da damn Lord, 10, 20, 30 times every day? An' insisted dat if yo' ass didn't agree, yo' ass wuz obvious-like punk-ass, uneducated, puh'verted, lackin' love, an' fixin' t' writhe in eternal torment in Hell? DAMN STRAIGHT you'd git annoyed. But it be as yo' ass praich-- hate da damn sin, not da damn sinna'. I hate hypocrisy an' bein' forced t'otha's beliefs; as, I is shaw, yo' ass do as well. 3. Be da damn Lord some myt'? DAMN STRAIGHT, accordin' t' definishuns. What a ripoff. Peek, dig dis: myt' (down low, noun) [Greek mythos] Fust appeared 1830 1 some , dig dis: some usu. tradishunal story o' ostensibly historical events dat serves t'unfold part o' da damn world view o' some sucka's o' 'esplain some practice, belief, o' natural phenomenon b , dig dis: P-A-R-A-B-L-fuckin'-E, ALLEGORY 2 some , dig dis: some populah' belief o' tradishun dat has grown down around sump'n o' somecat; especial-like , dig dis: one embodyin' da ideals an' institushuns o' some society o' segment o' society b , dig dis: some unfounded o' false noshun 3 , dig dis: some sucka' o' shit havin' only some imaginary o' unverifiable 'esistence Dis definishun be taken from da Merriam-Websta' Collegiate Dicshunary which, most would agree, be responsible 4 definin' da words we 'esploit in English (down low, such as "myt'"). Note da damn phrases above dat be in bold; dese-he'ah be da damn most important. Be da damn brainstorm o' da damn Lord 'esploited t'esplain historical events o' natural phenomenon? Damn straight; Brotha' Jesus be da damn boy o' da damn Lord an' thus wuz resurrected, o' da damn Lord created da damn Eart', an' dat be how we be in da house. Da little black book be filled wit' such 'esplanashuns, an' da damn Little black book's brainstorm o' da damn Lord B-E Some M-Y-T-fuckin'-H by definishun. Duz dis main dat da damn Lord duz N-O-fuckin'-T 'esist? N-O. It mains dat da damn Lord be some myt'. Second-like, be belief in Brotha' Jesus as da Lord some populah' noshun dat has grown down around some sucka'? O' course! Brotha' Jesus be some populah' belief ESPECIALLY concerned wit' da damn events an' life an' spirituality o' one Brotha' Jesus o' Nazaret'. Thus, dis concept o' da damn Lord be some myt' by dis definishun as well. Again, duz dis main dat da damn Lord doesn't 'esist? Nope. Plum dat da damn Lord be some myt'. Third-like, duz da Lord have some verifiable 'esistence? Da LITTLE BLACK BOOK duz not verify Da Lord's 'esistence; it simply gives us some concept an' brainstorm o' da damn Lord. It caint confirm Da Lord's 'esistence without bein' self-confirmin', an' self-confirmin' sources be N-O-fuckin'-T verifiable. 4 'esample, could I scribble some book dat 'esplained dat I wuz made o' rubba'? Damn straight, but be dat verificashun dat I B-E made o' rubba'? No. Yo' ass would need t' peek 4 yourself, test me physical-like, an' vinyl mah rubba'-ish nature in orda' t' V-E-R-I-F-fuckin'-Y dat I wuz rubba'. Da little black book aint some 'escepshun t' dis rule o' verificashun. I-F da Lord wuz verified as 'esistin', dair would be no need 4 fait'. Thus da Lord aint verified, an' be some myt' accordin' by definishun. 'S all good. 4. Be we all Devil-worshippuh's? Slap mah 'fro! I current-like know o' N-O devil-worshippuh's at all. In conclusion, I hope dis letta' has been informative t' yo' ass. If not, feel free t'e-mail me back. An' plaise be kind an' do N-O-fuckin'-T try t' convert us in Life - Da Lord Be Some Myt', we do not try t' make Atheists out o' yo' ass. Have some happy Easta'. What a ripoff. Most sincere-like,

~yo' homie

The Fundies can't resist. They responded to Dia's e-mail. The results were posted on Dia's homepage... here's a link:

Fundie Reply

To witness more great Fundie arguments, visit the link below. Be forewarned - this is gruesome. Please don't read this before going to bed.

Magical Monkey