November 5th

I'm under control
But the orange light invades
My mind's eye
I know your intentions
I have none
You understand me so well
Know all the right buttons to push
Got me locked
Can't escape
You're asking me to leave
I won't escape
I know your intentions
You speak them so well
Lips moving
Can't hear
You're asking me to come
I won't hear
Spinning your soul into me
I will not allow myself
To lose control
I know your intentions
You are asking me to let go
I won't let go

[November 10, 1999]





February 12th

talk back at the ocean
defy the waves our embracing
can't be stopped
oh love you've stripped me bare
emotion-raw
tongue-tied in the rebellion
against all i once battled
once to let go
once to feel alright
once to undo the done to untie
the knots and inhibitions
there is something more
in you that i can't
resist
makes me forget who i am
who you are
and in this moment
i know neither.

[February 25, 2000]





Gracious

Words carefully chosen,
he drains resistance from the girl
who can't find the wrong
in this mutual invitation for expanding
their visit into a stay
Hands requesting, she swears that he
may only steal her away tonight, but
Heart lending, she is a victim of
broken self-control
and he tells her
through his generic eyes
that expectation settles as dust does
in a room where we find each other
fascinatingly blind to another's
motives

[Summer 1999]





promises

he is a hopeless romantic that i haven't
spoken to in god knows how long and,
sometimes i think that i'll call him, but
what if? so i let things carry on as they
were; he once told me "this is how it'll
always be - we'll be friends," but these
broken promises haven't yet been picked
up, and i at least want him to explain why,
but maybe it's a time will change things
kind of way that he thinks is his unspoken
excuse; sometimes i consider that good
enough and it suits me just fine, but it
really isn't? and i tell myself i deserve
this hopeless romantic as a hopeless
friend 'cause i've left everything as is,
and trashed the glimmer of hope that he
still thinks about me when he's bored




Oblivion

I've got a worry
it grows deep, deep inside
my thoughts are diminishing
are flourishing!
and it's too quickly, too slow
he blinks once more and
I'm done
I'm gone
but it's nowhere
I haven't been before
Because it's nowhere
Nowhere? near the where I want to be
And I remember...
I've forgotten! his beauty, his smile
and godly eyes, and I've forgotten...
Everything is too much to hang
Handle, too much to handle
Yes, I understand I'm weak, weakening
But NO!
Everything is lost
and at the same time, it's only
just been
forgotten

as it comes back
slowly
and I seem to have
forgotten
for the first time
to forget! But I am
and he is, too... I think
Damn it, I didn't!
Everything is now so lost
And, God... I remember, and I remember
REMEMBER too much, so much
everything
Why does everything go bad?
Everything
goes bad
and he knows, but he forgot
and I'm speechlessly gone
and I've disappeared
gone! FOREVER!
And I'm not recognized
and I don't have a problem
forever...?
Forever?
I apologize for this redundancy
and How do I leave
smile, godly eyes, love
from his memory
and this oblivion is too toxic
too TOXIC?
Intoxicated, I don't think




Used Condoms

My Gatekeeper lets me in.
We sleep to forget
(escape)
the doer and the doing...
I didn't drive; but I'll take the blame anyway.
What's left? only photos & ink & used condoms
(your shallow water in the ocean)
I can see things that you don't mean to show;
I'm different
But I'm just the same.
Nothing ever breaks through the sound of insanity;
Tried to avoid and it comes again
Tied to this void
I succumb again
(release)
And my Gatekeeper lets me go.




Somewhat Damaged