There are some days when i think i'll never make it through the day. The ghosts. The baby voices. Unhappy spirits who never got to grow up. The only place i'll ever feel secure and safe is in the middle of the sound proof walls of the music room. Where i can sing out the emptiness inside of me that can never be filled, the sorrow that'll never go away, the fear that anything like that'll ever happen to me again and the forgiveness i know that shall never be granted. But that's where i am now, in the music room, right here, right now with Mrs. Fredrickson on the piano playing the opening chords of the sultry tune, Dana Glover's 'It is you' drowning myself in the music.
There is something that I see
In the way you look at me
There's a smile
There's a truth in your eyes
But an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it mean this is
Where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart
Searched for so long
And it is you
I have loved all along
There were times I ran to hide
Afraid to show the other side
Alone in the night without you
But now I know just who you are
And I know you hold my heart
Finally this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart
Searched for so long
And it is you
I have loved all along
Over and over
I'm filled with emotion
Your love, it rushes
Through my veins
And I am filled
With the sweetest devotion
As I, I look into
Your perfect face
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart
Searched for so long
And it is you I have loved
It is you I have loved
It is you
I have loved all along
As i finish the song i hold the last note for a little longer and released it - finally confining myself to reality once again.
"That Was Beautiful" someone said. I swivelled my head, turning. Who was that? No one in our year takes music but me and Patty Johannsen - and she only takes it because she needs to practice the Cello before one of her concerts; and anyways, her double periods are before mine.
It was Colin Baz. God - oh so typical Colin Baz. The Vice president of the student council, organiser of school affairs. Woow, how terrific. He's the type of guy your mother's begging you to date and you can never get. Black hair - as in snow white, as black as ebony - hair, green eyes that seem to see through you every time and a dimple on his left cheek. Editor of the school newspaper and captain of the football team. One question: why is he even here?
"Ummm, hi Colin, what can i do for you?" I ask hurriedly glancing at Mrs. Fredrikkson and then my bag as we both begin to pack up.
"Well you know how our junior prom is coming up right?" he asked.
Oh did i. Did i know that Italy was shaped like a boot?
"Yep" i replied flushing slightly, my heart doing a double thump.
"Well the student council members have elected five people from our year to organise and host it; you were one of them."
"ME?!" I squeaked "but why?!" I said walking towards the door lugging my bag over my shoulder, my expression completely dumbfounded.
"Uh - maybe only because you're one of the few people nobody hates, you're the only one in our year who knows crap about music and because you've got great potential to put this together along with the other people. But we decided on all girls, 'cause we figured that none of the guys would want to do it."
"I'm sorry, but Colin - you've kind of gotten me into a state of shock. But i suppose." I say slowly, choosing my words carefully "Who else has been elected?"
"Ummm" He said thumbing through a few sheets of paper. "Julie Cheung, Tanya Salvatore, Kylie Kim and Rilla Smith."
"Wow." I said surprised, utterly flattered, and completely flabbergasted that I was even on the same LIST as these people. "Okay you have definately caught me off guard."
He laughs giving me a wry grin. "Yeah I know, The Perfectionist, The Prom Queen, The Actress, and The Intellectual. and of course you, The Singer - and one who hits every note at that." he adds shooting me a cheeky smile.
I groan at the pun. God, why did my great-grand have to have such a thing for music that he changed our last name to Note - just so that the rest of the family tree would have to suffer it's consequences for generations to come?
"Actually..." Colin's expression turning serious "I was wondering if you were interested...in ummm... well, you know..." My heart was doing flip flops again. "If you wanted to go to the dance with me?"
I could feel my heart punping 100 m/hr, i was surprised Colin couldn't hear it - that is, until something stopped it.
Most important of all.
'Remember' Something told me.
i was in mourning.
The twins.
Lizzie. Connor.
Crossing the Street.
Laughter.
A Purple Jaguar.
Cries.
'Sal, Sal, Help'
Blood. So much blood.
a girl's size 3 and a half baby halter dress. a blue pair of baby osh kosh jeans.
Blood. So much blood.
Mum. Her hospital bed. The hospital smock. Screaming.
I could've done something.
1 year ago.
So much blood.
I snapped out of it. My decision was made.
"NO." I said in a tone i barely recognised myself. "I'm Sorry, but i can't. I'll see you round. I'm late for maths. Goodbye."
* * * * *
Honestly? I felt bad about the whole Colin fiasco. Okay, not just bad, but so completely guilty and so distressed about it. Concentrating on algebra and how many x or y sweets you end up with isn't even an option.
knock knock
"Come in"
"Hello Darling, how was school?"
"It was fine dad, how's mum?"
"She's doing good. She's doing good."
It were as if he didn't even remember anything about her anymore.
"Honey, I read in the school newsletter that there's going to be some kind of formal coming up - are you planning to go?"
Ever since mum's been in the looney bin, he's taken over the whole works; PTA meetings, Parent-Teacher conferences, permission slip signings, packing my lunch, newsletter and homework check-ups. But then again, who can blame him - who else is going to do it for me?
But his question - how can he even ask me that? I paused, not knowing what to say.
"Actually I was asked help to plan and host it - you know with some other girls, all seniors - the student council asked us. But i'm not sure i should go considering the circumstances."
My dad's eyebrows furrowed. "What circumstances?"
I looked at him disbelieveingly - how is it possible he can be so damned oblivious?
"Dad! The twins, mum - the whole situation. How can i even have the heart to dance when the twins... when the twins... with mum like this? How can i even THINK of ever going back to how my life used to be? There's no way." i yelled as my voice becomes ragged.
Suddenly i feel two arms envelope me in a hug. I can hear my dad's heaving sounds in my ears that come with the hug. It's then i realise, my daddy's crying too.
"baby i realise it's not easy. I'm trying my very best to keep us all together, to keep what's left of our family together. I know i'm not doing a great job, but the important thing is that i'm giving it a shot. Getting back to being normal teenage girl isn't easy, i realise that. But, it's what Connor, Lizzie and mum would have wanted you to do. To just keep on living. Keep that in mind alright baby? Just remember i'm here for you no matter what happens."
As i lay in bed that night, i realised that my dad was right. We have to move on no matter what happens. No matter how hard it is. And that, that is both the beauty and horror of life. Breathing in the fresh salty taste of my tears, i closed my eyes.
* * * * *
So that's why i'm standing in front of my full length mirror, with a terry robe wrapped around me and my backless, cornflower blue teffeta prom dress lying on my bed.
Surprisingly i got along with all the other girls. Despite our different 'labels', we were actually more alike than not. Anyhow, the girls and i had talked about our prom dates, and i told them i wasn't sure i even had a date... not that i included details. But now, with a towel curled around my hair like a turban, i was sure. I knew what i had to do.
Grinning at my corky 3 inch heeled sandals, i looked up the 'B' pages in the student directory.
"Hello?" answers a deep male voice.
The Prom Awaits.
