3-1-00
Undeserving Tears*
i watch the red hue change
of this rose i see as hers
the passion fades, the beauty fades
the life is drained, as the leaves curl and stiffen
but the essence eternally remains
a lonesome petal falls from its weary home
and slowly descends into a pool of tears
floating dead through the once nourishing liquid
faithless tears cloud my vision
the rose seems surreal--flawless
beads of sorrow glide off its unaffected skin.
its darkened shade wanes from my view, insignificant
and the petal, immersed in pain, drowns
vitality is renewed into the blackened red
for a solitary moment
through eyes captive of tears
i see her image in the pool
i see her rose in the reflection
i remember her happy
until the next teardrop disturbs the image
and the next petal begins its desperate descent downward
* For Aunt Sue
11-98
He Cried For Me
He cried for me
I know this to be true
And the pool of sorrow
Swiftly deepened and grew
He cried for me
I could tell from his eyes
Over injustices
And all of their lies
He cried for me
Tears I should have shed
But my emotions
Were dead, so they said
He cried for me
And it pains my heart
That all he desired
Was for us not to part
He cried for me
For they smirked and they swore
That our love wouldn't last
And so he slammed the door
And he cried for me
For I was not there
To hear their cruel words
And feel the despair
So he cried for me
With no doubt in his heart
No uncertainty
That I will never depart
He cried for me
Soft pure tears of love
Falling passionately
From his blue eyes above
He cried for me
From heart, soul and eyes
As I cry for him now
Over lies we despise
9-9-97
I Stare
I stare into your sad blue eyes
And know you love me so
Yet wish to end this thing called life
Filled with agony and woe
I gaze into your sad blue eyes
And i become entranced
To see the world with your insight
My life would be enhanced
I look into your sad blue eyes
Your mysteries are unveiled
We fight too hard to die so young
Though in our souls we’ve failed
I fixate on your sad blue eyes
My eyes cry with your heart
I consider death nothing at all
But a time we’ll never part
2-98
endless
yes, my husband left me
and god i miss him so
i love him more then ever
and i never will let go
he left one cold dark night
he left me all alone
an unforeseen disaster--
i never could have known
he struggled not to go
we had a love quite true
but there they found him dead
his body pale and blue
so in a big black box
he did escape the war
and overseas he came
so i could see his face once more
i stood over his coffin
at the empty funeral
my eyes refused to look and
my sobs tore through the lull
my tears they trickled down
as i cried over my love
and for a reason why
i searched the sky above
when i could find no answer
the chaos made me scream
then when the answer came
my tears forgot to stream
i knew what i must do
to end this endless pain
the wind sped through the graveyard
my head my hair did mane
now as i rise the blade
high up above my head
i hear my husband beckon me
from beyond the dead
a smile stays upon my face
as i lay with who i wed
i plunge the knife into my chest
then i see my blood, so red
i know i will be with him soon
my weak eyes jump for joy
and as i die i laugh at fate,
“true love you cant destroy”
9-4-97
Fake Tears
My meager existence is trivial
Isolation from the world
my only solace
Eternally condemned
we wait
in silence
for our predestined destruction
striving for genuine understanding
in this place full of followers
Lies overwhelm this abyss
Fake tears flow with intensity
Desensitized to violence
vengeance becomes an art
None can comprehend
but it all makes less sense
in my head
Always forsaken
in this place of torment
surrounded by entranced army ants
This bottomless pit
of everlasting fire,
this inferno we continuously feed,
refuses to fulfill my sole desire
with obliteration.
1998
Pleasurable Suffering
he moved into the clouds of darkness
and searched the vastness of his mind
he sought out desolate places
and considered the shades of the world
he entered the beckoning light
and experienced society’s joys
he attempted to be like them
and learn the aspects of “good”
he reflected over their way of life
and recalled the sufferable pleasures
he probed his deepest desires
and departed into the darkness
9-10-97
Dismal Night
I loved a boy who had no name
His eyes refused to cry
His entire world fell apart
What could he do but watch and sigh
This boy he led a friendless life
As most with insight do
Then he found his true soul mate
And promised “I love you”
Now these two were meant to be
They had a bond quite pure
She was his sweet everything
And loved him with all that was her
Yet on one sad and brutal night
Fiends came flaunting a knife
The girl was raped and beaten
Forced to give up on this life
This boy’s reason for living
Now no longer was to be
This girl was all he wanted
And this love of his was me
His mind was clouded with despair
His losses were too grand
Most would give up with this doom
But he would take a stand
Anger grew inside his head
A fire rose in his eyes
Frenzy thrived as he grasped
Everything he loves just dies
The world was against him
He knew this to be true
He saw that he could not survive
So he’d take the world down too
He drove his big black van
Through the streets that night
He butchered and he maimed
Anything within his sight
The deep red blood did flow
And this worthless world repented
He claimed this torment would continue
And that boy, he meant it
His blade was sharp and jagged
He had a taste for blood
He slaughtered all he could
And police came like a flood
And there they shot him down
My boy fell to his knees
In silence there he laid
No sound, no utter “please”
The moon was full that night
The sky its blackest black
My boy still laid there in his blood
With no want to come back
His heart was finally put to rest
His soul died and set him free
And on that dark and dismal night
His frustration ceased to be
9-25-98
Truth
If the bitterness of my soul
was drained from my veins
the pleasantness of life
might extract all my pains.
Unwillingly it’d trickle away
like the blood that keeps me alive
this bitterness burns my heart
at this conclusion I've finally arrived.
The world as I’ve known it
has not been quite true
my mind’s doleful illusions
I long to see through.
Everything that I’ve seen
with closed mind and blind eyes
you’ll perceive to be true
when the world sheds its guise.
9-30-97
dreams
hope spirals downward
like blood into a drain
dreams fade to nothing
like tears shed in the rain
you can want and wish
for something quaint and pure
yet it will never work out
and this you must endure
i thought that all i wanted
was to find my true soul mate
but the deeper that i fell in love
the more i filled with hate
an attempt to force failure
upon a shattered heart
begging for our surrender
by tearing us apart
granted love but nothing else
no time with him no life together
hopelessness kills my mind
full of rage and love forever
i just want to be with him
for this i’ve lied and sinned again
for my heart my soul has martyred
my mind dies with this poisoned pen
damnation swallow me alive
there is nothing for me here
follow through with your desire
make my existence disappear
dreams never more useless
forever down the drain
hope never existed
as my tears blend with the rain
do not dare to dream, my darling
do not sacrifice control
for if you dare to hope, my child
you too will lose your soul
5-19-2000
Little Pills
They sell me hope in little pills
And yet my world has fallen apart still
I roll my soul through broken glass
Searching for something I can feel, at last
Why do I let myself stay here?
Well it’s known as apathy, my dear
I let them tell me what to do
I sure don’t want to have to hear my view
I sit and stare at empty walls
Across the floor my sanity crawls
I do not fear losing control
Because this place has sucked away my soul
A lonely tear you watch me shed
Though my emotions have long since been dead
Predestined circle has me caught
If I weren’t worthless, I might have fought
I hate the world and all it holds
We watch as their master plan unfolds
We all grow up to be machines
Only escaping through dishonest means
I’m sick of hearing all their lies
Why can’t we learn and let the world just die
Humanity has lost its will
And you don’t see them selling that in pills
9-9-97
I knew a boy who had no name
He forever was alone
He always stared expressionless
Into the deep unknown
He never spoke to anyone
His true self never shown
Until one night he left this world
Silent--sharing nothing of his own
I knew a boy who had no face
Forever part of dark
He spoke of doom and dismay
His outlook bleak and stark
He often proved his power
His bite worse than his bark
His dream came true, he killed the world
And finally left his mark
1-2-98
i reach
the walls closed in
i reach for you
you pulled away
your hand withdrew
pain in my eyes
grief in my heart
you went and tore
my world apart
my tears did stream
my vision blurred
and all my thoughts
were left unheard
i died alone
and suffered true
yet lived again
and reached for you
5-26-97
Crash and Burn
To live or to die
The world is so wrong
To fight or to cry
Yet everything seems so right
To laugh or to sigh
As I dream in black and white
To love or to lie
I imagine nothing
I feel you cold loving carressTo love or to die
My fingertips run over my skin
I sense you near to me
My teddy is clutched tighter
You push the hair from my face
A sudden breeze runs through
The aura of your love warms me
I am encircled by my love for you
Your lips brush against mine
My hair falls back into place
3-18-97
Pathways into the Abyss
Alone
Staring into the abyss
Loathing the unanswerable
the unquestionable
Unsure yet somehow unafraid
Forever slipping
Pain became salvation
Everything so trivial
Living in endless circles of circumstance
An everlasting void
Constantly
yearning for understanding
aching for self-acceptance
yet always realizing the impossibility
Even when I’m right with you
I feel so alone
Even when I’m right near you
I’m so far away
Everyone so naive
so misled
so deceived
There are no exceptions
Worthlessness, disparity
Always the victor
Malevolent sympathy
You better run and hide
Seclusion because security
This disposition
Eternally unchangeable
still never to be adequate
Infinitely forsaken, allured by the abyss
8-8-97
i showed my soft side
they ripped it open
my insides streamed out
they ate it up alive
they left me stranded
abandoned and alone again
i don't know why i even try
3-17-98
i cry over crying
i used to be trusting
i used to live life
i’ve now felt fate’s sharp sting
and seen all the lies
everything that i knew
has melted away
everything i saw true
now causes me pain
now my tears do run dry
and their waterfall stops
and away i do shy
from this world i despise
these memories must vanish
for my happiness
these traitors i banish
from the world in my head
alone now i stand here
on this vine covered chair
but those voices i still hear
of their lies and betrayal
my friends have all hurt me
i’ve got no one left
so in this old elm tree
the noose brings me death
12-9-97
discover it so
darkness consumes purity, the sacred in ruin, forever tainted
serenity slain, never to be rebirthed
all is lost, and always hath been so
the dire descent, lowered into the mouth of chaos
what is in me is dark, discover it so
seduced to destroy you, evermore cursed
fallen from thy view, into the dismal devouring smog
deceived, destined to dwell in doleful shadows
speak not of fate, i blame thee not
haunted with wakeful fears, seek me not
beneath the world, dwelleth i
amidst forsaken souls, lamenting faithlessness
seeking the immortal eve of devastation
imploring obliteration to occur anon
a darksome labyrinth, a prowling predator, followed by such
immoral, neglected by surrounding frailty
deeper i plunge, sufferance attained, repentance ignored
coveting death, violating sin, deserving to fall
stoned with hearts so cold, my hardened truth assaulted
henceforth, driven out, proclaimed harmful
the vacant lack of gloom damaging
avenged, arisen to pain, yet continuously denied death
mingled with the blackest blasphemy
scorched by nameless oblivion, dread it
the mightiest fall silent, assumed unworthy of such
the tears run down, stinging my skin so light
powerlessly amounting to nothing
painfully dying, yet death always inaccessible
this hopeless downfall, forced to relive again and again
10-6-98
A Plead To Our Generation
you sit and stare
trying to prepare
for what you think will be
but you dont dare
so i can't care
you dont want to be free
Naivete
makes it be this way
none understand the truth
but i won't stay
and be fed today
I ask them where's the proof
but you're no more
cuz you lost the war
you didn't know was there
but now im sore
i'll settle the score
resistance, that is rare
but i see through
lies they push on you
dont assume they’re right
just sit and stew
cuz their words arent true
and join me in my fight
they fooled you all
and now you must crawl
shame our generation
dont stand so tall
you follow their call
blind with dedication
it brings you joy
to be their cheap toy
there is no pride in that
it should annoy
that they call you boy
you're just a nameless rat
away you kissed
what you should have missed
individuality
i must insist
dont obey their fist
live your own reality
5-1-98
my last
all i have done
has not been enough
my fate is already
chained and handcuffed
nothing can ever
turn out quite right
why cant i just
surrender the fight
the things that i say
just fade in the air
not a person listens
not a person cares
this life of mine
is a sea of despairs
the hurt that ive felt
can not be repaired
whatever seems good
turns out to be wrong
with this hopelessness
why remain to stay strong
this poem, i hope
finally will be my last
ive written so many
like this in times past
now as i take this
my last sobbing breath
despising life
i become one with death
