Once Upon A Time

^^^Preface^^^

Long before I ever decided to write the "Witches" series (or was even old enough to sprout pubic hair) my old Yiddish momma was busy at work preparing me for the world outside the one I knew through various parables of her own concoction - in hopes the exposure would enhance, and perhaps give purpose if not save my ass at some future date. Little did I know. And, oh how the mind many years later can so quickly recap all that was taken for granted "once upon a time" (in vivid detail too) while breathing new life into an almost forgotten fairy tale. Especially when one is alone and far away from home. Or thinks he is.

Likewise, in olden days angels from the sky walked the face of the earth disguised as men. In fact, many a mortal still believe they do while they (mostly out of ignorance) leave the actual sightings of such angelic creatures to metaphysical wizards who make it their business. Or to deranged lunatics locked away in padded cells that have nothing to lose if by chance their faith all of a sudden becomes reality which doesn't leave much leeway for those of us who would love to indulge. But are at a loss, and perhaps value our sanity.

However, where there is faith there is hope - and let it be known it doesn't take all the magical humbo-jumbo from a modern day Magian to follow-up on a hunch. Neither does it take six or more Xanax during the course of a day to have peace of mind which is to say there are other ways to have your cake and eat it too.

So, for the benefit of those in search of angels who've never had the pleasure; or if they have didn't know it at the time here are a few helpful suggestions.

First: If by chance you just happen to bump into what might be Godot incognito in the misty moonlight, or in a cocktail lounge under the spell of STARDUST, and suddenly find yourself at a loss for words there's a ninety-nine percent probability you'll likely have heaven on the brain for many nights afterwards. If not forget about that one! Secondly: When what began so innocently enough starts becoming a habit look out and how!

Lastly: If you've tried all the above and still have reservations. Suck the guy's cock for Christ's sake which may be rather presumptuous on your part. But will take all the guess work out of it. Because anything else from here on will be mediocre at most - and certainly not as satisfying.

Aunt Sophrana August 1999

Now, on to the story.

After a two and a half year run of playing to a full house night after night the lovely Miss Colleen Sheriff thinks seriously about throwing in the towel. The reasons are numerous. Colleen's creators are both moving in other directions. One has taken on a new, more demanding job while the other goes back to editing movie scripts which keeps him traveling back and forth to California, and not leaving a hell of a lot of time to play "puppeteer" for Colleen's benefit.

Other considerations include the long, drawn out war with AndyRO that has taken its toll while scaring off many chat room favorites. The handful remaining really don't seem to make it worth the effort. Indeed, the posture of the chat has taken a turn for the worst. There is no reason to linger other than force of habit. Lastly, the boys have been offered a deal by a New York publisher to sell the rights to Colleen that sounds way too sweet to pass up.

Meanwhile, back in the chat (where fairy tales are hatched every minute by honest-to-goodness real-life fairies) the stunning Lady Splashie decides to wish upon a star in hopes the Fates might send her a mail order husband. Not to be greedy. But it would be a God-send if this dream lover was also handsome, had a big cock (preferably cut), a top, and rich enough to pay off all of the lovely Lady Splashie's long over due high credit card balances. Quite an order in addition to a mouthful I must say.

After a lot of soul searching (not to mention numerous on-line tea leaf reading sessions) the stunning Lady Splashie comes to the foregone conclusion that the ever popular handle, Fla Markie is the man for her - and the fact Markie has just won ten million in the latest Publishers Clearing House contest makes it all the more palatable.

Such resourcefulness: As Mrs. Fla Markie the lovely Lady Splashie would have a legitimate reason to throw out all of her old, tired frocks and really do something nice for herself at somebody else's expense - like buy a whole new wardrobe of chic, smartly tailored cocktail dresses in avocado mind you.

One problem though: Personal experience has taught me if you're going to wish for something it is always best to clearly define what you want before asking. For the Fates take our wishes at face value, and if for some reason we're a little disappointed that's tough shit.

There are no refunds or exchanges either. You learn to live with what you asked for; or pay an arm and a leg to seek out the services of some shrink from the yellow pages while whining to the high heavens how in the hell did you ever get yourself into all this crap.

Getting into messes is one thing. Getting out of them is something else.

Far be it for me to say most frolicking gad-about queens seldom pay attention to road signs nor learn from their previous mistakes, often losing at love and never fully understanding why.

From an analytical perspective queens, for the most part, are nothing more than spoiled, selfish, children. Like immature adolescents they perceive their universe through the "me" syndrome, (me this and me that) and have one hell of a time dealing with reality. Thus, it is much easier for dizzy queens to dream the IMPOSSIBLE DREAM with equally dysfunctional queens they revere as their dear "sisters" instead of doing something productive - like making a life for themselves.

Now, on to this thing called love.

Real love ain't easy. It isn't proud either. It takes guts. It demands work. Lots. It also takes commitment. It requires two way communication. Being honest with yourself, and to your partner is essential. The ability to share is a perquisite.

The rewards, however, are great, and certainly beats wasting a lifetime as a perennial faggot frog, hopping from one stinking lily pad to the next, in search of something or someone that doesn't even exist.

Anyway, from the very beginning the lovely Lady Splashie/Fla Markie courtship was the talk of the chat - and for good reason too. The lovely Lady Splashie starts spreading the news.

Nothing beats American advertising genius. So for good measure the lovely Lady Splashie changes her "tail-line" to something like, "just a Jersey Queen" (being the Lady Spashie is from New Jersey) betrothed to a "Florida Sunshine boy" (her pet endearment for Fla Markie).

Be that as it may the lovely Lady Spashie's sisters were not impressed in the least. More so they were jealous as hell. Because the lovely Lady Splashie was "gettin' some" and they weren't. Furthermore, even if all this chat room "kissy pooh" nonsense was a cyber charade the lovely Lady Splashie's spinster sisters deemed it very threatening indeed.

The mere idea two people actually might be in love struck a mighty blow, making these dysfunctional on-lookers feel oh, so small - no bigger than a parakeet turd. Truly.

The logical solution: When anyone makes you feel bad as all that is to do something about it. Like fight back.

Queens, not generally known for their boxing skills have other ways of settling the score. Usually something devious and wicked.

In this scenario: Since the lovely Lady Splashie was such a dear, dear sister to so many trashy queens, (long before being smitten with this thing called love) the smart thing to do is to somehow bring the lovely Lady Splashie back to the fold - and in the process rid the chat of Fla Markie and certain other undesirables once and for all. But how?

There are various versions floating around in the chat as to the "how." The most credible and consistent involves the evil, dwarf Marti35, and the grand old dame of chat-room bitch, The Countess Woofi.

These two supposedly approached the lovely Lady Splashie, extracted certain information out of her concerning Fla Mark's personal life in addition to planting the seeds of doubt.

In short: Fla Mark was a no good bastard, and the lovely Lady Splashie certainly could do better than such "low life scum."

Interestingly enough both the handles, Marti35 and the Countess Woofi hail from Dallas, Texas - friendly to each other as two playful cock roaches behind a rest area latrine. Not to mention they both make no bones about hating Fla Markie with a passion. Just some food for thought mind you.

Shortly thereafter the chat room is invaded by numerous vicious, fraudulent handles: "Fla Mark Blows," "Fla Mark Sux," "My name is Bernie Zingg," and on and on. All of which trash Fla Markie day on end in addition to posting some very personal information - Mark's real name, home phone number, work record, etc.

Not to be outdone, a rather slimy, unsavory mess, "Dirty BlondeX) " (sometimes DirtyBlondNY) crawls up from the bowels of the earth, enters the chat and also attacks Fla Mark.

Some of Dirty Blonde's tactics involve slanderous, untrue stories about Fla Mark's deceased mother - claiming Fla Mark's family was so poor they couldn't bury the deceased mother properly, and had to sell the body to science or some such shit.

Other crass slams include a variety of anti Semitic jokes aimed at Fla Mark - all in poor taste, and certainly not welcomed by anyone with any brains or sensitivity to race, color or creed.

From all outward appearances most of DirtyBlondeX's venom is aimed at Fla Markie. Although there are others.

Not quite as important is DirtyBlondeX's feud with the lovely Colleen Sheriff. Dirty BlondeX's beef with the lovely Colleen Sheriff has to do with a rather slanderous homepage of another chatter, "guychat" where real names, telephone numbers & life histories were posted on the net without expressed written consent of all concerned parties. Colleen Sheriff filed a law suit and won.

But what does this have to do with Dirty BlondeX?

Come to find out Dirty Blonde and the handle "guychat" are former lovers, now good friends. In fact, Dirty Blonde even helped put some of these trashy pages together.

Right up there is DirtyBlondeX's bitch with old established handle, Queen Fan which is more of power struggle thing. Queen Fan has been with the chat almost from the beginning. She has many, many friends, is respected for the most part, and also packs a certain amount of clout.

Towards the bottom of the list DirtyBlondeX lashes out at yet another handle, Baseballboy. No special reason here other than DirtyBlondeX finds Baseballboy rather annoying at times.

Sad to say in all these cases DirtyBlondeX's methods of inflecting pain are really sick. His most effective weapon is name calling.

Not withstanding. DirtyBlondeX also enjoys snooping into personal lives - constantly in search of smear material he can use against certain individuals he does not like in the chat.

So much time and energy wasted which makes me wonder what form of human being would even want to spend endless hours creating havoc in chat rooms? A very deranged, warped, twisted little man who obviously doesn't have a life!

In the final proof all this turmoil is the end of the lovely Lady Splashie's short lived chat room marriage to Fla Markie. As if the lovely Lady Splashie ever gave a shit to begin with. It also sets the tone for final destruction of the chat.

Interestingly enough when the lovely Lady Splashie is confronted about her role in room bashings, and passing out personal information about various chatters Miss Splash doesn't know a fucking thing.

Please, and for days!!!!!

It doesn't take the skills of a Perry Mason with good ole reliable Della Street at his heels to figure this one out. The lovely Lady Splashie was in on all the crap from almost the start. Although the motivation is not quite clear. What is clear though: The lovely Lady Splashie betrayed confidences, and in the process destroyed personal lives and damaged professional careers. Nothing to be proud of to say the least.

TO BE CONTINUED

^^My Favorite things about Angelfire.^^

Easy: Sometimes what starts out easy becomes complex. Fast: Sometimes what starts out fast ends up being a drag. Fun: Sometimes what starts out as fun turns into a sounding board for human emotion.

^^The Links^^

Colleen Follies What's a fairy tale without an honest-to-goodness Princess!

The Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence Remedial rosary instruction in fruit of the loom.

Back To Chapter Five For those of you who missed the last episode.

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Copyright 1999 Kingsbury Interational