BLACK PUSSY CAFE'S
Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
What absolute bliss!!.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.
One night a little boy walked in on his parents having sex and asked "Daddy what are you doing to mommy?" The father then replied "Son I'm putting a little baby brother inside mommy." The next day the father came home from work and found the little boy sitting on the front porch crying. The father sat down beside his son and asked what was wrong .The little boy said "Well daddy, you know last night when you put a little baby brother in mommy,... the milk man came along this morning and ate him."!!.
An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her bathrobe and yells:
The husband says: I'll take the soup!
Four Time Bride
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not.", the bride explained, "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. "My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it.
"My third husband was a stamp collector....
God I miss him."
A Matter of Semantics
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem". She says "Tell me". He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy". He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says,
"son, everything inside this circle, is pussy".
"OK dad, so whats a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
Potential and Reality
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically,
we're living with two sluts."
The Baby Photographer
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, Hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."....."Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look.
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours,too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"