November 15: Pecking of the crows...

Another day has passed full of basically nothing and here I sit now feeling that I'm missing out on life....today my feeling of emptiness returned which left me for awhile after I druged myself with false hope of love. Nick says I have mojo just I havent tapped into it I think hes wrong. Its apparent that my....curse....is the source of all my torment and yet everyday I wake up there it is staring me in the face....my once full of hope mind was shattered and all I have left is my new mind made from the shards of the demolished one. I dont know what to do as everyday I pull myself farther away from those I "know" the only two people that I see as friends are Nick and Claire everyone else seems so distant and become more distant day after day I hope this fear/phase or whatever it is goes away. I dont like it.

November 16: A little shoken up....

Well today my friend Antonio was supossed to call me around 5 PM but he never did we needed to get together so we could finish this government video project...I'm alittle scared that we aren't going to finish it especially since its due on monday...I talked with Claire alot today it seems to be a ritual now...I'm not really "phonogenic", but when she calls we always have something to talk about. Thats nice. I've never had a female friend thats ever been this close to me so it's kind of weird, but its cool because I trust her.

November 17: Corruptive Material...

Today was a pretty damn bad day first off I woke up this morning with an acute case of sore throat and shortly after realizing that I had a sore throat I realized that a weird rash had broken out on the inside sides of both my hands...this really sucks. I didn't talk to Claire today usually I see her online, but nope not today. I havent talked to nick ina while either...not that it would matter I mean even if I wanted to I wouldnt be able to leave the house. The only good thing that happened today is that I rented Grandia Xtreme it's been keeping me busy for most of the day. I get to go see the head doctor the day after tomorrow...whoopidido!(sarcasm) I wonder what else they'll diagnose me with. Stupid tumor....

November 19: Enlightment!!!!

I never thought it would be done but I feel so happy! and its all because of Claire! she just changed my life.....my confidence was shot, I felt that I was pathetic, I thought that I'd never be happy ever again, but it was done! Claire englightened me with her words which actually got to me....I owe her so much I dont think I can ever repay her I feel so good I mean its like 8th grade all over again! I can barely contain myself! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! IM SO HAPPY! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!

December 2: The Tragic Fall of Kings...

I dont know what to think now....I mean sure everythings alittle bit betetr from before, but my self-brooding has come back again. I dont think this feeling will ever go away. I hate my school everybodies so different, they talk of different things and put down what I like. If I could really Yenchae bomb my first target would be the center of HHS....all those damn idiots who think theyre better than everyone else and then again those other idiots who talk like morons....I can never tell what they say! ugh I hate my school.....however I'm not allowed to leave....the school made it specifically clear that I couldnt....The hell with them all...I dont know why but everytime i have a true feeling of pure happiness soon after my friend...lonliness comes back to me its like this feeling that'll never go away....it's been around me so long I guess I'm more used to it above all. Nobody understand me.....even though some people think they do...they just dont.....nobody understands me

December 4: Pinnacle of Animosity...

I'm sick of all the sickness...I'm sick of all the doctors they send me to, first my back, then my head, then my leg, my spasms, my stupid tumor, everything it just gets to me. If I could id just get a murasame blade and threaten any doctor that wishes to conduct their stupid experiments on me. MRI here, MRI there im so sick of them I DONT WANT TO TAKE ANYMORE.....ugh! if I am to die then so be it let the angel of fate pass her judgement on me and send me into an eternal slumber im really sick of all this stupid doctor buissness. On a lighter note, I've been meeting more people that actually seem cool....its nice, but also scary too many people with valuable information is asking for mutiny...*sigh* whatever happens I hope betrayal's at the bottom of everyones list. *addon -1:52 PM* It's now come to my attention that my little brother is going to look at my journal and make fun of me about it....I was thinking about taking it down but, then I realized no....because he would win so you know what screw him I hope he sees this just so he knows how much I hate him...yea smile you stupid jerk smile

December 6: Proprietorship of the Soul...

Here I am again, doing nothing, being bored as usual. As of late I havent been very productive, and the mere sight of most people at my school sickens me. I'm sick of the torture, I cant wait till I leave and graduate. I'd rather go to Coasta, but my mom wont allow it, and not only that the school wouldnt allow it either. Recently, I've been having this deep dark feeling in the inner chambers of my heart...which has 2 meanings 1) I may be going through an emotional phase (which I dont sense) or 2) something really bad is going to happen to someone...somehwere...that I know...hmph this feeling has never let me down...I havent talked to Claire in a while, which is kind of depressing, she usually cheers me up with her cheery attitude. I have a feeling that I keep plunging down deeper and deeper into this unknown abyss which inhabits my weakened heart....what shall come of this? we shall see....

December 7: Internal Combustion....

Today was such a bad day....since my grandparents are moving in tomorrow..I had to go today and get all the "non-weighted" stuff....bullshit I busted my back for 3 hours carrying heavy boxes DOWN like 15 stairs...(yea luckily for me my granparents live many feet above ground *sarcasm*) I've had this damn backpain most the day....I swear my dad is taking my back to hell along with his (since his is already screwed up) one of these days I wont be able to anymore and my backs just going to die on me. My grandparents just could of got movers to do all that crap! but NO! who has to do it!? ME ugh!!! I mean recently i've been pretty melancoly, but since I have this back pain (which could of been averted if movers were summoned) I'm pretty grouchy....I'm always pretty grouchy when I recieve pain that could of been averted if something else were done before hand! I hope it goes away....it hurts alot...and is muddling my mind

hey chris(tine)!! =)

December 10: Age of Prosperity....

Today's been an especially nice day. I'm finally actually having a good time. Nothing bad has happened so far, no doctors, no appointments (as long as i know of) or any crap like that has been bugging me....I haven't had my feeling of lonliness which is great...plus I've found a new great person to talk to Chris..I enjoy talking to her its fun....another person I trust....(man i guess this year is my year of prosperity? heheheh) lets see how long this "age of prosperity" will last...Overall I suppose I'm near my maximum capacity of output....plus I feel good...Genuinly good...I love it...woooo! I love all my friends!

December 16: The Crimson Hour....

My great grandmother died last wednesday....tch....im glad though...she was suffering so much and it's just better now that shes resting....I hope she's having a good time in Valhalla along with my great grandfather. I was going to throw a big bash for my 18th birthday but then I realized it would be horrible of me to do it...so in respect to my great grandmother I've decided to hold a small gathering...If your invited I'd tell you....I expect to invite between 5-6 people not so much....but just enough..I got DBZ Budokai for PS2 the other day....it was my aunts b-day gift to me...I love her...heh she always makes me happy even in the midst of all this crap...today's been a pretty good day...nothings bad really happened...yet...but I'm really happy...I talk to alot of great people and they keep me strong....even though all of this is going on I still feel good...thanks to my friends I love you all!

December 23: Yenchae Reborn....

Alot of good things have happened to me...its offical that the crimson hour is over with....above all the most greatest thing thats happened to me (ever) is Chris! shes great....shes awesome....I like everything about her....her personality drives me wild (in a great way). Everytime I sign on I always think "I hope Chris is on!" everytime I talk to her I smile, I cant help it it's justt he way she makes me feel....its great...she makes me feel great! I havent felt this way in ages.....I basically feel reborn (catchy title eh?) and its all thanks to Chris....man is she great I'm glad I know her! I luv Chris! ...ahem on another good note I also receieved Escaflowne (the video, thanks Claire!) its super cool! ....ahhhh man this vacation is starting off great! =)

December 24: Sign of Divinity....

It's christmas eve! wooo! and everything is going so well for me! good friends...good love....everything its so awesome! I'm going to go (or hopefully going to go) to the movies with chris this fri. man! I hope I get to! I need to! I yearn for her! I just want to be with her for awhile....just alittle while....I cant wait! shes just so awesome no mere words I say can describe her.....shes...awesome everytime I talk to I always smile I cant help myself this feeling I have inside...I havent felt in so long and never this strong before...it feels so good and we connect so well! its amazing I've never come in contact with anyone quite like her! its so great....I cant describe how I feel fully....not with the words created by man....its that amazing! seriously....I wish this would never end....she....she....she....must be divine...I luv her so much....=)

December 27: Light in the darkness....

Today has been the greatest day....I am so happy that no words that come to mind could even begin to fathom the depths of my happiness....it's so great it's so pure! ....I'm....I'm....I'm so happy! and its all due to my beloved chris....man shes so great....shes absolutely perfect.....no other woman could ever match her stature....I luv her sooooo much! she makes me feel like I'm flying! If I could have one wish it would be to hold her forever.....I'd wish it'd never end....Honestly I couldnt begint o describe the feeling she gives me when we were together today...It's just so amazing....shes so great....ahhhh!!! What I would give to spend more time with her! shes that great! ....I luv you sooooo much Chris...I'll always remember how you made my heart sing and dance in joy....You are so perfect I wish we were together all the time! You Chris are the light in my darkness, you free my pain, and you make me forget all my problems...I luv you! =)

December 30: Path of Roses....

I hereby declare 12/29/02 the grestest day EVER! for now....I have a great...wonderful Yenchaess by my side! The Yenchae race shall live on for now...Chris is the greatest! I yearn her touch! gah...alas the cruel world does not allow it for the time being...and I can do nothing but sit here and take the abusement....keeping my mind on Chris helps alot though.....as it has been.....all of a sudden I got this big headache...I've been thinkin about Chris...and it's been helping me fight against it....however my mind has been flustered....its quite astonishing that I've been able to type all of this so far....throughout the last 2 weeks ive been getting headaches alot more than i used to...ahha and I think I may know the cause of it.....perhaps.....theres been an increased manifestation in my cerebellum...I wonder..if.....hmmmmm...I shouldnt think about it....thinking about such things always brings me down anyway....enough about that.....I hate this headache!! .....agh....I actually.....have.....a high fever....I really didnt want to tell anyone....I figure it'd cause too much alarm....agh I wonder what will become of me now? ....more doctors? ....man I'm sick of them....I really....dislike them now....all they ever do is poke and prod me....they never actually find anything....and it never seems to be getting better.....all I have thats been good to me so far is Chrisee....I love you =) My Yenchaess

2003

January 10: The Beginning Of A Great Saga....

The New year has started off great! I mean I love everything thats happening to me! I have no problems! I have the greatest Yenchaess ever! and I just finished doing all of my school work! (reason for site not being updated in a while) I feel a bajillion times lighter....that damn Government paper was really wearing me down! and I basically talk to my Yenchaess everyday! that always makes me happy! Gah shes so great! Chrisee! YOU are the greatest! I'm really hoping we can go to the movies tmorrow! I havent been with you in awhile I want to hold you! My life is so great! I've never been this happy before! I mean....I actually.....sang...for Claire! I mean really its...odd...I dont sing for anyone, but like I was so happy I couldnt contain myself! weeeee!!! I love ya Chrisee! =)

January 15: The Definition Of Happiness....

Today has been a good day...in fact this whole week has been good. I'm extremely happy! alot of good things have happened! coincidentially in one day I recieved 8 gyroids! 8!....and I even got all the arare modern stuff! in Animal Crossing...heheh overall game wise and life wise everythings good...I have my great and wonderful Yenchaess who I love soooo much! Hopefully this friday everything will go according to plan and we can do something....being together with my Yenchaess is the greatest thing I could ever do! I just want to hold her above all! The defenition of happiness is: Chrisee....enough said =)

March 26: Golden Sky....

I know it's been along time since I've updated and I cant promise that I'll be updating it alot heh well so far my life has been amazing I mean I'm soooooo in love with my main squeeze Chrisee I really love her alot..I'd do anything to make her happy, no joke, I seriously and whole-heartedly care about her...in 3 days it'll be our three month anniversary! yay! I'm so happy! three whole months of full hardcore happiness! yes! this is everything I've ever wanted...what Chrisee and I share...honestly its all I need. I'm just so happy...my whole life I've been semi-depressed or what not (in fact scroll up and check the previous journal writing's and see the drastic change =) ) and now I'm just so happy...I cant contian myself! and hopefully I'm going to be at the movies with my baby =) Chrisee. Oye! Chrisee! I love you babe! =) oh yeah 10$ was added to my "Going out with the love of my life and having a great time with her fund" of course I had to do slave work...but to ensure financial funds so that I can go out with my love, I'd do practically anything. Wooo!!! My life is Grrrrrrrreat! I love you babe!

April 16: Happiness the Untouchable....

Heheheh I just finished scripting and writing my love's page and quite frankly I'm just extremely happy! All I can think about is her, how much I love her, how much I need her. My life is just great and to use my newest quote to describe my life "I'm free falling into the grand stream of happiness". (damn tecnhicalities its 3:22 AM) 2 days ago I spent time with my love and I enjoyed every second! even though it was just about 3 hours...and trust me...its never enough I was exstaticly happy for the rest of the day and the next. In fact, I still feel the great feeling right now that she created within my heart with her Yenchgelic =) presence. I just wish we could be together alot more often. I've got to get my license and a job quick! ..*sigh* first comes the license and I wish I could go practice everyday, but my mom is always out and about doing everyones chores...why does she have to be the ENTIRE families maid...I mean...I'm sure they could get somebody else to do they're chores! sheesh! I just wish my momw ould grow a backbone and refuse sometimes...they take advantage of her so much it's not even funny! I've already told her about it and all she says is "They're family! how could you turn your back on family Brian!? I hope your not like that when you get older" sheesh, of course not! but, hell theres a damn limit to everything! especially if your son needs the damn car to practice to pass his drivers test...I mean I'm family too right!? help me out this time! ...*sigh* No matter what I say it probably wont happen...not for awhile...and when I get my license yay! one step closer to being with my woman ALOT more...however theres still more things in my way...yea you guessed it..insurance...cant drive without it and guess what? parents aren't paying for it...hence the job...and then I get to thinking and I figure with the job...I'll have even LESS time to hang out with my woman...either way I look at it I'm screwed, but you know what? I cant help but smile now...because I know that somehow everything will work out...well that and I cant stop thinking about my woman that always leaves me in a good mood! Wow I dare say this might be my longest journal entry yet! heheh well, now I'm going to head off to bed, it's late and I've got to wake up in 6 hours..My life is GRRRRRREAT! Hey Mish..I'm glad everything is working out great between you and Thomas! I hope you guys stay together forever! =) love ya .....and to my baby I love you veeeeeeeeery much! I shall now dream of us, being together and happy...good morning...(lol)

April 16 (2nd entry): Time to get serious....

Alright! I'm very nice...and I'm very lenient...and trust me I'm only sensitive around few areas..otherwise I'm a pretty easy going guy... TALKING with my brother...well my friends anyway..is ONE of those areas...people think I'm joking when I say it....tch I know most people are thinking "wow what a baby" right? well to you I say YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!! its a rule! he keeps his friends to himself and I keep my friends to myself! there is NO mixing! I seriously dislike my brother..and I simply cant have my friends becoming his friends....the fastest way to get me hating and disowning you is trying to befriend or even talk my brother(s) I dislike them with a passion! and if you had any compassion for me what so ever you'd understand THAT its a cardinal rule...I just hate it so much...whoever's reading this probably thinks its childish right? nope you know nothing! I'm in a whatever mood! I dont know everytime I think about it..it almost makes me cringe as much as being called "Brian" and if you know me well enough you'd understand that...I dont care what anyone says! I have few...few..rules....I dont ask for much...I dont complain alot....I help people when they ask for it....if anything..whenever....I ask of things like this...for my sake..please DO ME A FAVOR....and listen....if you felt the way I did when things like this happen you'd go crazy too! ....I hope nobody thinks any different of me now...because of this...especially my love....but some things I just cant tolerate....

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