Clocks and bunnies and Xander, Oh My!A little silly fic :) Author's Name: Pony Goddess Story Title: Clocks and Bunnies and Xander, Oh My! Classification: Silly Fic focusing mainly on Xander Rating: G Spoiler Warning: None Disclaimer: It all belongs to his greatness, Joss. Feedback: Please! E-mail PonyGoddess@angelfire.com Distribution: Just give me credit for it and e-mail me to let me know where you put it. Note-* * are used to express thoughts. Prolouge: Xander Harris was bored. Not your usual teenage boredom, but serious life-isn't-worth-living-if-I-don't-find-something-to-do boredom. The kind of boredom that had led to disasters throughout history, like communism, Vietnam and the teletubbies. In other words, bad things were going to happen if something interesting didn't happen first. It was a race against time between bad and interesting, and just as interesting was about to cross the finish line it tripped on a divot and went face first into the green. Very Bad Things won easily and jogged victoriously off Ye Olde Golf Course of Fate and into Sunnydale. If there had been an observer (the drunk coyote doesn't count) he would have noticed something odd about the retreating figure. Something very odd indeed. Very Bad Things was carrying what looked like a Spock Clock under his arm. But that couldn't be right............................or could it?
Part 1 - Something Wicked This Way Comes. Oh Wait, Nevermind. Its Here Already.
"XANDER!" Harris buried his face deeper into his pillow, and begged the powers that be to make his father go away. "X-A-N-D-E-R! Dammit boy, I'm calling you! Get your sorry ass up here!" He ducked his head under the covers and clapped his hands over his ears, silently mouthing 'Go away Go away Go away' This time the shout of "XANDER!" was followed by the sound of breaking glass. *There goes another stein* Xander thought to himself. *I hope the SOB spilled beer all over himself* With that thought and the mental image of some demon ripping dear old dad to pieces to comfort him, he gathered his courage and quietly slipped upstairs from his basement refuge to find out what Mr. Alcoholic wanted this time. "Dad? I'm here" he said, trying to sound brave. Mr. Harris turned and peered at him unsteadily, and slurred, "It's 'bout time boy. Come o'er here and see what I got ya. Picked ya up a present." Now Xander was truly scared. Beating, yelling, that he expected and could handle. But a gift? Unbidden images of Dru's idea of a 'prezzie' ran through his mind, and he berated himself for comparing his father to Drusilla. She was nowhere as evil as his dad. Mr. Harris had just got back from a seminar in Houston, and as usual had brought gifts for his wife, as he always did when he was away. But never, ever did he think of his son. Until now. Cautiously Xander crept forward, expecting to see a decapitated puppy, or maybe an eviscerated kitten. Every sense on alert, he peered into the box that his dad gestured at and saw....... A wall clock. *A clock? It has to be a bomb or something. Or maybe a transponder for the tollroad to Hell* Cautiously he picked it up and examined it, looking for a timing device, or a 'made in an evil dimension by demon sweatshop workers' sticker. He found nothing. It was a normal clock. Or at least vaguely normal. The face featured a picture of Spock, his right hand held in the 'live long and prosper' position, on a field of black. Satisfied that it wouldn't kill him, Xander tucked the clock under his arm and thanked his father, who had collapsed into his favorite recliner and was absorbed in the Dolphins vs. Patriots game on ESPN, then scurried off to his room. Not a trekkie by any stretch of the imagination, he was tempted to toss the clock into a corner and forget it. But if his father were to come in and not see the clock.....that could lead to trouble. He quickly replaced his nice, white Walmart clock with the Spock one, and went back to bed. His duties as 'research boy' for the Slayerettes didn't offer much chance for rest, and he had to compensate when the opportunity presented its self. Which is why he, a fine specimen of teenage American male, was sleeping away yet another Saturday night. Soon he was happily dreaming of him, Anya, Buffy, and chocolate sauce, all his cares forgotten.
It was a pity he fell asleep so fast. It would have saved everyone involved a great deal of trouble if he had noticed the sickly glow and maniacal laughter emanating from the clock that first night.
Part Deux- Didn't You Pay Any Attention To The List Of Things NOT To Do If Your In A Horror Movie???
"Xander! Hello? Are we still in the same dimension?" "Wha? Hey Buffy" He stammered, snapping out of his reverie and noticing that Buffy Summers, friend, love interest (in his dreams anyway) and Slayer was standing right next to him. She cocked her head to the side and seemed to study him. "Are you feeling OK? I noticed in history you were really out of it. Or at least more out of it then normal." "I'm fine. Just fine" Buffy seemed taken aback by his answer. *No witty comeback? Not even a snide remark? Definitely un-Xanderish* She was about to press, but caught site of Willow and Oz on the other side of the quad. She had been meaning to ask Will about a certain spell....she looked at Xander, who had fallen back into his private universe, then back at Will..she chewed her lower lip thoughtfully as she debated with herself. *He probably just got the third degree from the parents again. Its not like I won't see him again today or anything, I mean come on Buff, you've got two more classes with him....but if something is wrong...nah, he's fine.* "Bye Xander" she called over her shoulder as she hurried to catch up with Willow and Oz.
He didn't even notice her absence.
Xander sat on the edge of a planter in the quad, to all appearances your typical brooding teen.
In his head it was a whole 'nother story.
Xander sat (or rather sprawled) at the table, staring at a book on ancient Celtic magiks but in fact not seeing the pages at all, while Willow, Buffy and Giles worked around him. Oz's band was playing in San Jose the next night, and he had taken off already. Anya was, well, who ever really knows where Anya is? He caught snippets of conversation, enough to know when a 'yep' or 'uh-huh' was warranted, but not really following the conversation around him. "..........have to do someth......." "What about......." "..................another prophecy!? Giles, what is........." "........different this time, an unknown demon.........." He perked up suddenly. The words 'prophecy' and 'unknown demon' used together meant trouble. "What's that G-man? Buff? Repeato por favor" Xander said. Giles and Buffy both glared at him. "Where have you been Xander? Besides in the room, able to hear every word? Pay attention already!" Buffy growled at him. Giles shot her a look and opened his mouth to speak, but Willow beat him to it. "Buffy got beat up by a really big bunny rabbit, but it didn't even try to kill her or anything, it just said that the prophecy has begun, and we'll all die horrible flaming deaths within the week when 'his eminence' arrives and that we should prepare to die. Giles thinks its a new kind of demon." "Actually it was 'prepare to die sniveling, puny mortal scum'" Buffy added. "But that's pretty much the story." Xander was staring at them liked they'd lost their minds. "Did you say 'bunny rabbit'? As in fuzzy little hoppy kind of rabbit? Buffy lost a fight with the Easter bunny? Wait-if she was in a fight why isn't she beat up at all?" He shot a sideways glance at Buffy, *Oooo..hit a sore spot...if looks could kill...* Giles sighed and absent mindedly rubbed his forehead. "No Xander, Buffy did not lose a fight with the Easter bunny. She fought, it left. As best I can figure out, this is a new demon who has a rather twisted sense of humor and some shape shifting abilities. I am much more concerned with discovering what prophecy was referred to, and who his eminence is." "Research?" All three teens said simultaneously "Yes, for Willow and Xander. Buffy, I need you to patrol and find out what you can from the locals." "In other words, check in with Angel and beat up Willy. I'm on it." She said, already on her way to the door. She paused with the door half open, thought a moment, then ducked into the weapons locker, grabbing a crossbow, half a dozen bolts, and an assortment of knives in various shapes and sizes. Seeing the puzzled glances of her friends and Watcher, she stated "I'm gonna get me a bunny fur coat." and walked out.
Xander walked slowly, hands in his coat pockets and yawning frequently. It was a little past three in the morning, and he had been staring at small text in old books in dim lighting for the past seven hours. Add to that the serious mental problems he was having, and it was understandable that he wasn't as alert as he should have been. Which pleased the vampires to no end. By the time he noticed them the trio was fully vamped out and right next to him. Hearing a footstep he looked up, saw them, and turned and ran like a bat out of Hell towards home. This pissed the vamps off. Immensely. They took off in hot pursuit, but Xander was a helluva lot faster then he looked, and by the time home sweet home came into sight they were dropping back rather then gaining. The sounds of pursuit suddenly dropped off, and Xander, puzzled, turned to see what was up. *They're running....away? From me? Neat!* Grinning, he turned back towards home....and walked directly into a nine foot tall bunny rabbit. It smiled at him, twitched its little pink nose, and grabbed his arm. "Greetings your eminence. I was just out looking for you. How convenient for you to ..run..into me. Come, we must hurry. The ceremony will begin soon." With that it started towards the cemetery. The rational part of Xanders mind was screaming at him to do something. Run, scream, kick it in the groin, whatever, just do something. Another part of his mind was telling him to follow Harvey *Harvey? How did I know its name?* and hurry along to the ceremony, for his presence would be needed. He was after all, the chosen one. *Chosen for WHAT? Damn, this is freaky...where's Giles when I need him?* He battled within himself, but the really freaking weird part of his brain won out, and he complacently followed Harvey into the night.
Part 3- Lassie! Go Get Gramps, Xanders In Trouble! Buffy was having a bad day. Last night had been a waste of time, not only did no one have information on giant evil bunnies, her sanity had been called into question several times. And to top it off, the rabbit was a no show. She had really, really been looking forward to killing that damn rabbit. There was just something about it that inspired violence. She sighed and looked at the clock. Five more minutes of Biology left, then it was off to the library. *No rest for the wicked I guess.*
"Hey everybody" Buffy said through a yawn as she walked into the library. "Hey Buffy, have you seen Xander today? He wasn't in class and when I called his house his mom said he never came home" Willow spoke hurriedly, obviously stressed. That got Buffy's attention. When you lived on the Hellmouth, missing and dead were often synonymous *I hope he's OK* "I'd better look for him" She sighed, hopping off of the table she had sat down on. Just then Giles came out of the stacks, a grim expression on his face. "I wouldn't bother Buffy. I already know where he is." "Huh? What do you mean Giles?" "What I mean Buffy, is that I have discovered not only the referred to prophecy, but the identity of the chosen one." "Ok, don't leave us hanging here" "Its Xander. The chosen one is Xander. And we must hurry to stop the ceremony before it is to late." With that he hurried out the door, a large leather bound book under his arm. Buffy and Willow exchanged glances. "Did you get any of that?" "Not a single word." "I guess we should follow him." "Sounds like a plan to me."
Both girls quickly scurried after the librarian.
Fog swirled throughout the mausoleum, making the colored lights strung along the walls take on an otherworldly appearance. Dozens of giant evil demon bunnies chanted and beat a steady primal rhythm on bongo drums, accompanied by a trio playing the sax. At the head of the room, a large throne loomed, made entirely out of skulls. (OK, so there were a few skull shaped Jello molds in there as well. Do you have any idea how hard it is to gather enough skulls to make a throne in this day and age?) Seated on the throne was the chosen one, clothed in a white rabbit fur jumpsuit and a silver Viking helmet. In his arms he cradled the Spock Clock, which was in fact an artifact housing the demon Thumper. Thumper had previously been housed in a very impressive looking urn, but someone broke it and the clock was all they had handy at the time. Xander glanced at the candle sitting on the table at his side. It was marked with colored bands, and according to Harvey the ceremony couldn't begin until it was to the pink one, which it almost was. He shifted impatiently in the throne, grinning like the Cheshire cat. He couldn't wait for the fun to begin.
Part Four: There's More Then One Way To Skin A Rabbit.
The Slayer, the witch and the Watcher headed towards the mausoleum at a near run. They reached the entrance in record time, and Buffy was about to barge right in, but Giles stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Before you interrupt their ceremony, and therefore piss them off to no end, don't you think it would be beneficial to know how to kill them and what it is your interrupting?" Buffy gave him the evil eye. "Hey, I'm not the one who went all cryptic and then took off.Your the one in a big hurry. Please 'splain away. How do I kill 'em? Stake, silver, fire, what?" "Magic? Are we gonna have to stop a spell?" Willow said, sounding almost eager. Giles sighed, and glanced at his watch, murmuring to himself, "A solid five minutes yet." Before answering. "Your both a bit right. You can kill them the same way you can kill a human. Stakes will work fine, as that is what you're used to I'd almost recommend them. The ceremony does involve magic, but all we have to do to stop the spell is get Xander away from here. The difficult part is that he has been possessed and formed into the physical manifestation of the demon. As such, I doubt he will be all that keen on leaving." "So it'll probably come down to knocking him out and dragging him out of there."Buffy interrupted. Willow snicked. "Its going to be a knock down, drag out fight." When the other two looked at her oddly she explained. "Sorry. I heard that in a movie once and I couldn't help myself. " That settled, they walked into the murkey darkness of the mausoleum.
"Hey Buff, pass the ketchup." "Sure thing Xander" Buffy said, passing the bottle down the table. "Ohh! I want some too, after you Xander." Willow spoke as she came out of the kitchen, carrying another tray of food. Xander slathered ketchup over the meat then bit down, a blissful look on his face. "This is finger licking good G-man! Where'd you learn to cook!" He then licked his fingers for emphasis, causing Willow to make a face and throw a roll at him. It bounced off his nose, missing the black eye that Buffy had givin him during the brawl the night before. "In college, and I told you not to call me that." He yelled from the kitchen. They ate in silence for a few minutes before Willow spoke up. "We aren't doing anything bad by eating this are we? I mean this isn't cannibalism or anything is it?" "Don't worry about it Will. They look like rabbits, they hop like rabbits and they taste like rabbits. They're rabbits. Just because they were really big and could talk doesn't make them unrabbity. Now eat and don't think about it anymore."
The End ;) |
