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AIRLINES JOKES
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
"There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 way out of this
airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on
this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is
prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave
the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so
I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for
flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for
another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a
stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them
with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot
said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the
seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children."
"As you exit the plane, please make
sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean
it."
And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a
very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight
into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival
announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."